Dear Abby is an advice column that began in 1956 by Pauline Phillips, under the pen name "Abigail Van Buren." Her quick wit and sharp tongue have kept audiences entertained for years. Read some of her best zingers below to see why.




1/16. Dear Abby: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess

Dear Bess: Night and Day.



2/16.

Dear Abby: I am 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.Rose

Dear Rose: So would I.


3/16.

Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? Jake

Dear Jake: Yes, and also hazardous.


4/16.

Dear Abby: I've been going with this girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes? Don

Dear Don: What's the question?

5/16.

Dear Abby: Im 19 years old and not very experienced, but my mother told me to be careful of men with mustaches. Is there any truth in this? Anita

Dear Anita: Yes and also be careful of men without them.


6/16.

Dear Abby: I dont want to appear conceited but Im forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Women are always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. Im beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females? C.W.

Dear C.W: Keep talking.


Continue to the next page for more Dear Abby zingers.

7/16.

Dear Abby: Do you think a mother should take her 14-year-old son to get a tattoo or do you think he is old enough to go alone? Please answer before Saturday. This is important. Must Know

Dear Must: If the boy is old enough to get a tattoo he is old enough to go alone. In this case he is neither.


8/16.

Dear Abby: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? Gertie

Dear Gertie: I don't know. What's he getting?


9/16.

Dear Abby: When I was going with Irwin he gave me a parakeet, which I taught to say Irwin. Well, Irwin and I broke up and now I am going with a fellow named Ronnie. When Ronnie comes over, the parakeet keeps on saying, Irwin, Irwin, and of course, Ronnie doesnt like it. What should I do? Beth

Dear Beth: Either teach the parakeet to say Ronnie, or give Irwin the bird.


10/16.

Dear Abby: My husband has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked my husband if I was drowning and his mother was drowning which one would he save? He said My mother because I owe her more. I am so terribly hurt, Abby. What shall I do? Arlene

Dear Arlene: Learn to swim.

11/16.

Dear Abby: My problem is my husband. He wears false teeth uppers and lowers and he thinks its real funny to take them out at parties and do a Spanish dance using them as castanets. He thinks he is being the life of the party but Im embarrassed to death. Should I keep him away from parties, or should I just tell him that he isnt funny?Marsha

Dear Marsha: Let him have a good time I think its hysterical.



12/16.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend took me out for my twenty-first birthday and wanted to show me a very special good time. I usually dont go in much for drinking, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis. During the dinner we split a bottle of champagne. After dinner we each had two brandies. Did I do wrong? Blondie

Dear Blondie: Probably.



Love that sass! Continue to the last page for more Dear Abby gold.

13/16.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be 20 years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol

Dear Carol: Nevermind what he'd like, give him a tie.



14/16.

Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? Wanting to Know

Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.


15/16.

Dear Abby: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a "father and son" or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this "odd couple" moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there!... Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood? Up In Arms

Dear UP: You could move.


16.

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Navy: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I'm Gay.


Psst... don't forget to share the laughs!

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