The Wittiest Things People Have Ever Heard Someone Say
Reddit user SubmergingOriginal asked: 'Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?'
Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.
More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.
Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.
Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.
Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:
"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"
Don't Give Me So Much Credit...
'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."
"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."
"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."
"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"
"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher
Eternal Optimism...
"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."
"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465
Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...
"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”
"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”
"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia
Awkward Season 8 GIF by The OfficeGiphyDouble Whammy!
"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."
"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93
Can't Hide Your DNA...
'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."
"She cracked the code."
"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93
Self-Sufficient!
"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."
"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."
"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'
"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody
Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman AnimationsGiphyA Miracle!
"My brother-in-law’s comment."
"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."
"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."
"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."
"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."
"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."
"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"
"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn
Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...
"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."
"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."
"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."
"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."
"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379
Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K.GiphyA Bit Too On The Nose?
"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."
"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."
"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."
"'What would you expect to find there?'"
"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB
Not Yet, Anyway...
"I was working with my friend and his dad."
"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."
"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."
"His dad asked, 'what for?'"
"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."
"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890
Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...
"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."
"She told this story to him:"
"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."
"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."
"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."
"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."
"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."
"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."
"She asked him what was wrong."
“'What’s wrong???'"
"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714
On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSOGiphyAmazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...
"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."
"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52
Read The Room People!
"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."
"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."
"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"
"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl
There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".
As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.
People Break Down The Most Disturbing Thing They've Ever Casually Been Told
Reddit user DarthAbhinav asked: 'What is the most disturbing thing you've heard said casually?'
Every now and again, when talking to a friend or family member, a rather shocking piece of information might casually slip out.
Information one imagines they wanted to keep secret for as long as they possibly could.
In some cases, it's something embarrassing, that everyone will be able to laugh about with the passage of time.
In other cases, however, it's information that stuns us silent.
Learning something we wish we hadn't.
Redditor DarthAbhinav11 was curious to hear the most disturbing information people have ever been casually told or overheard, leading them to ask:
"What is the most disturbing thing you've heard said casually?"
An Acquired Taste
"I work in a deli and some lady asked me to cut her ham extremely thin to the point of seeing through it."
"I heard her justify it as 'so you can get rid of the ham taste'."
"I still think about this one."- Alternative_Net8931
Utterly Horrid
"When I was walking to my front door."
"My neighbor had their window open and was scolding their 3 year old adopted child."
"She was howling crying."
"'Do you want mommy to send you back?'"- BoredBSEE
It Arrives Sooner Than You Think...
At Macy's, two teen girls: 'Women over 30 have the ugliest elbows'."
"'OMG. I know'."
"'Very disturbing'."
"'I always ask my mom to wear long sleeves when we go out to eat'."- CapitalPhilosophy513
Never Too Late
"I when younger I worked at a pool and had to lifeguard senior aerobics classes."
"Most participants where 65+."
“'Where’s so and so'.”
“'Oh he won’t be here, his wife was put into hospice'.”
“'Well I feel bad for him, but we do need some more single men around here'."
"'He’s not bad looking, has a retirement too'.”- CuriousOne9320
Round And Round It Goes...
"'If the Earth is spinning, then why my front door is always facing east?'"- SuvenPan
"Something I once heard a passing stranger say for which I have no context: 'He wears a scarf around his neck so you can't see where he's decaying'."
"I've been curious for years and it annoys me that I'll never know."- xyanon36
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
"An ex after I ended things 'I don’t understand, if I want to be in a relationship with you but you don’t want to be in a relationship with me why do you get to win?'"- TinyFurryHorseBeak
Not His Decision To Make
"Was at an end of season event for my kid's baseball team when he was little."
"The coaches brought Italian ice for everyone."
"Mom has just served her kids and husband and comes back with her own."
"As she's sitting down to eat, I hear her husband loud whisper behind her something like 'absolutely not'."
"'You don't need any more calories'."
"I just watched her face fall."
"I can't imagine what their marriage must look like behind closed doors and what life must be like for her."
"Heartbreaking."
"Note that this woman was already probably a size 2 at most so this was not a scenario where there were serious weight-related health problems."
"This guy was just a jerk and this really wasn't the first time that season, but his reminders that they aren't living up to his standards were usually aimed at his kids on the field."
"I try to assume the best of people but that guy sucked."- littleirishpixie
The Truth Hurts
"I was in an accident once and was hospitalized."
"The accident left me severely disfigured."
"I was out of my mind on pain meds when I arrived at the hospital and told my family to call my girlfriend and let her know what happened and where I was."
"My mom called my girlfriend and my sister not knowing the particulars of my life called my ex."
"Neither knew the other had called and both ended up showing up."
"They arrived within an hour of one another while I was asleep."
"Since someone was there with me it gave my family a chance to go home and take a break."
"So I woke up to my ex and my girlfriend talking to one another."
"Obviously my girlfriend was mad my ex was there and things got heated between the two."
"My ex being level headed suggested they step into the hall since I was half awake and in no condition to deal with the drama."
"As they're arguing in the hall voices are being raised until finally a nurse comes to reign the situation in."
"The nurse breaking them up made my girlfriend leave."
"As she was leaving she yelled 'you can have his a**'."
"'It's not like I wanna be with some burnt up scarred dude anyway'."
"'He's f*cked'."
"At this point I was still bed ridden and hadn't seen a mirror."
"I was aware my body was f*cked but had no idea what I actually looked like."
"Hearing that was such a gut punch and it really messed with my head at the time."- Burnvictim49percent
Where To Even Begin?
"I am a tutor."
"I heard some of my students say ;What's the point in learning history? We should live in the present'."
"We are German."- GentlemanPirate13
Most of the time, when a friend or family member warns us or apologizes for sharing "too much information" or "TMI", what we've heard isn't that shocking in the grand scheme of things.
Indeed, as evidenced by the sad and shocking stories above, when people really share TMI, they often have no idea they're doing so.
People say the craziest things.
Sometimes I stand in silence, my jaw on the floor, after I hear a person speak.
I hate to call anyone dumb, but let's get real.
Redditor JasperMidnight wanted to hear all the things we've heard that left us in shock, so they asked:
"What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard someone say that they were 100% serious about?"
Sometimes I want to faint when I hear people speak.
Leo Lives! Then Dies!
Leonardo Dicaprio Ok GIFGiphy"English teacher here. Once, while showing my class the Leonardo DiCaprio version of 'Romeo and Juliet,' I had a student staring at the screen in utter confusion for half the movie before she said, 'How can he be in this movie? He died on the Titanic.'"
BlakeMP
Turn Around
"At one of my first jobs as a graphic designer, a client called me into his office and pulled up a photo he took. He then asked me if I could turn it around. No, not rotate it, but turn the viewpoint around. He wanted to see what was behind the camera when he originally took the photo. God, I have so many stories from that job."
HerNameIsRain
Change Direction
"A guy I work with said that a football referee runs over the distance of a marathon during a game. I pointed out that a football game was only 90 minutes long and that the marathon record was just over two hours so that would be impossible. He said it was possible, because a football referee 'changes direction a lot during a game, and it all adds up.'”
tommyhashbrown
Time Zones
"Someone I know argued with me that I do not live anywhere near Canada. He got pretty nasty about it too."
"When I showed him proof he said 'Well I only know Texas.'"
"I live right outside of Detroit, Michigan. Closer to Canada than I am to any other state."
"I have also had a few people argue with me that I do not live in the Eastern time zone. I guess they know better than someone who actually lives here."
msspider66
BRO!
Nbc GIF by SunnysideGiphy"'Yeah bro, it says carbonated because they removed the carbs' while standing in line at a drugstore. Best eavesdrop of my life."
sigmaswan35
Carbs aren't the issue we make them out to be.
They are our friends.
Back then...
No Way Wtf GIF by HarlemGiphy"I was on a date at an art museum. The painting tag said who it was made by the title and made Circe 1600 and she said 'Do you think the earth was even around back then? You just never really know.'"
hi_im_watson
Every Thanksgiving
"I was stationed in Germany in the late 80’s-90’s. Every Thanksgiving multiple dudes would be perplexed as to why the Germans didn’t celebrate. A dude once told me he was excited to celebrate the 4th with the Germans and asked if they did fireworks. I love you my brothers, but some of you are dumb."
420stoner332
"When I was in Germany on a rotation they actually put on an incredible fireworks display for us. So did the Afghans (who used flares from their lil lookout thingies around the fob) when I was deployed. I was astonished and then extremely touched in both scenarios."
LavishnessFew7882
Really Real.
"When I was a kid (and on and off when I was older, until after it was decommissioned) my dad worked at a nuclear power plant. I was mentioning this to a college-aged coworker at one point (I think I was telling a story about taking your daughter to work day or something) and the coworker stops me. 'Wait, those are really real?'"
'I stopped talking, at a loss for words. I then had her repeat what she wanted to know. 'Nuclear power plants are actually real things? I thought they were made up for like The Simpsons.'"
bestem
Thanks, Mr. Murphy
"In college, my teaching assistant in my dinosaur class insisted that roadrunners weren’t real and laughed at me for suggesting it as an answer for a bird that runs fast. But the real dummy was me because I’ve seen one in real life and I still said oh ok."
natsugrayerza
"In grade 6 my class read a poem about ptarmigans where every word starting with 't' was changed to 'pt'. The teacher said that ptarmigans were made-up animals. I countered that they were a type of arctic bird, so he sent me to the school library to find evidence."
"I came back with an encyclopedia and turned to the entry for Ptarmigan and he read it out to the class and told everyone that teachers don't know everything and they should never be afraid to speak up. One of the best teachers I ever had - thanks, Mr. Murphy!"
TheMightyGoatMan
Multiplies...
paul muffins GIF by Big BrotherGiphy"'Blueberry muffins you buy premade don't have any blueberries in them. Blueberries cost too much. They dye bleeds blue because they have the same texture and use them.' He has 'explained' it to multiple people multiple times."
By0z
BAD
"Maybe too obscure but anyway I was the radiation safety office for our lab group many years ago and was telling one of our more truly brilliant (not being sarcastic) PhDs that his badge came up hot, meaning his technique was BAD and he was going to have to be retrained and he said, 'It doesn't affect me, I'm done having my children.' Like being careless with radioactive isotopes can only affect your gonads and not, IDK, give you f**king cancer."
feliciates
Some people really need to think harder before they speak.
This piece is proof.
Do you have any stories to add? let us know in the comment below.
People With Thin Walls Describe The Strangest Things They've Ever Overheard In Their Apartment
When I was a junior in college and moved into my first apartment, the combination of thin walls and the overall loudness of the boys in the unit next door made me privy to every aspect of their lives.
I could hear them so clearly, I know what movie they were watching the night before, if one of them spilled something on the other's laptop, and even who was fighting with their girlfriend that week.
The fact is, there are a lot of apartment buildings with thin walls, meaning everyone can hear everything. Sometimes, this is just annoying: too much noise when all you want is some quiet.
However, every now and then, you overhear something interesting and funny. Redditors certainly have, and they are eager to share!
It all started when Redditor EskildDood asked:
"Redditors with thin walls, what have you heard in your apartment?"
How To Save A Life
"In college, I lived in a crappy apartment nearby the school, that was mostly populated by students. Halfway to class one day, I realized I forgot a book and had to rush back to my apartment to get it. As I was running up the stairs (which shared a wall with the stairs in the next door apartment, which mirrored my own) I could have sworn I heard someone yelling. I ignored it and ran to my room to grab my book. As I clambered downstairs, again I heard yelling, and I paused to listen. I heard some unintelligible moaning, and eventually heard the words “help me,” weakly groaned from the stairs next door. I rushed out and tried their door, but it was locked. I totally forgot about my class and ran to the apartment management office, hoping that someone was there."
"A manager was, thank goodness, and after I explained the situation, she grabbed her master keys and we booked it back to my neighbor’s place. She opened the door and the poor guy was laying in the stairwell (it was one of the ones that goes up halfway to the second floor, then turns 90 degrees for the rest of the way), clearly having fallen. I called 911 while the manager ran over to the guy. Ambulance came and picked him up, and I later learned that he had fallen down the stairs after passing into a brief diabetic coma. I guess he hadn’t eaten in some time; I don’t know too much about how diabetes works. Anyhow, to this day, I feel grateful that I forgot that book. That poor guy could have died, slumped halfway down the stairs with his face in the carpet."
"Edited to add: also, relevant to the thread, I was grateful for the thin walls. Just for that though. Thin walls suck."
– thatdanglion
I Know What You Did Last Workday
"my old neighbour was a cam girl and I could hear absolutely everything she said in every single session for a good 4 months. pretty much learned the names of her clients. I work from home and it was always a gamble whenever I had to meet with someone virtually."
– hausofelle
Roommate Woes
"I once heard a former roommate laughing with his then-girlfriend about how they're screwing me over on money. Turned out they were taking my utility portion and buying various games and alcohol."
"Instead of confronting them, I confirmed what they said with the utility company (they hadn't paid the bill in 2 months) and I moved all my stuff out that day while they were at work. For good measure, I took myself off the lease and told them about the GF that had been there 6 months."
– Azurko
Well, Duh!
"I once heard an argument that went a little like this:"
""Stop treating me like I'm stupid!""
""You asked if Seahorses were mammals, Jessica!""
""THEY GIVE LIVE BIRTH.""
– ApplepieButterfly
"I was at a bookstore once and a strange couple walked by. I wonder if it was them, because I overheard"
""Tinkerbelle is half fairy, half PIXIE, Jessica, geez!""
– toktobis
The Day The Music Died
"I actually manage an apartment complex where my office is surrounded by a one bedroom unit. The building is old and the walls are thin. The tenant that used to live in the unit was a quiet man but would frequently sing beautiful opera music. His voice was amazing and I loved it every time I heard him sing!"
"Then one time I saw him in the halls and made the mistake of asking if he was the one who sang these beautiful opera songs. His face turned red but he confirmed that it was him. I told him that I always enjoyed it when I heard him sing and that it would always brighten my day."
"Never should have said anything because I never heard him sing again."
– Deleted User
He Will Always Be Her Kid
""William! We do not hit!"""
"His mom was visiting. He was 30."
– HungryLikeTheWolf99
"Poor mom, I feel bad for laughing at this."
– Deleted User
Ain't That The Truth
"“Yeah girl, you know you want this.”"
"My college roommate. 3 kids later it’s apparent she did, in fact, want it."
– stannndarsh
We Know Who Won That One
"Heard the couple next door arguing. The wife was furious because she realized he had been cheating on her after she found out she had chlamydia. He tried to convince her that she must have been the unfaithful one. She still lives there. He doesn't."
– thedesertnomad
I Know What You're Up To
"I moved from far away, so I have a different state license plate than everyone else at the apartment complex. A couple of days ago I head my upstairs neighbor drunkenly ranting to his wife about what he thinks I'm up to. He's convinced that I'm on the run from something. I'm just in grad school lmao."
– greatergood2019
"Grad school...for crime!"
– recumbent_mike
Oh My God!
""Gina, I love you! Gina no! Gina, dammit put the knife down!!" At this point, both the apartments adjoining to Gina's called the police. Gina's husband decided to spend the night elsewhere."
– oldmuttsysadmin
"Had this exact thing happen about 12 years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest. I was tired, so laid down for a nap, trying to ignore the action movie hubby was watching."
"After somehow falling asleep for a while, I end up waking up to a male voice going, "No, please, put down the knife! Can't we talk about this?" And then a dramatic outcry that sounded as if he'd been stabbed."
"Figured hubby was still watching the action movie, go out to the kitchen for a snack, see the TV is off. I freak out and tell him what I heard, and we call the police. We never heard anything about it after that though."
– Siferra84
Bullseye!
"I lived next to a couple some years ago and they came home after a night out and started fighting about who was better at darts. I thought they were joking but it got pretty heated. Doors were slammed."
"Edit: Since people are asking, they were playing darts at the bar earlier that night. From what I could tell they were playing as a team and the boyfriend wasn't pulling his weight and was super defensive about it (had an off night, allegedly). The girlfriend was mad he couldn't accept she was better. I'm no detective but think they had some relationship issues bigger than darts."
– Aromatic_Bird
The Alarm Worked...
"More what my neighbour heard...I'm a deep sleeper and was an even deeper sleeper as a teenager. My phone alarm was going off for 30 minutes and my neighbours could hear it through the walls, assumed it was a burglar alarm and called the police. Waking up to the police banging on my door was confusing."
– iMac_Hunt
Yikes!
""Everyone in my family thinks you're gay!""
""I am though?""
""Well we haven't told them yet, so tone it down a bit.""
– mollymuppet78
Spaghetti Policy
""F*ck you, man! If you don't like spaghetti, then you don't like me!""
– xaanthar
"Preach"
– LockoutFFA
I can't stop laughing at that last one!
Do you have any thin wall stories to share? Let us know in the comments below.
There are few better methods of getting out of doing something than pretending to be asleep.
Needless to say, your friends and loved ones will most likely wake you up in the case of a genuine emergency.
Other times, however, if you're just not quite ready to play with your children, answer a question that can wait, or simply talk to anyone, pretending to be asleep is a fairly surefire way of avoiding all those things.
However, as with any sneaky maneuver, it has some downsides.
Namely, that you might overhear something someone else didn't want you to hear.
But since you were "asleep", they thought they could get away with saying it.
Making the probability of actually falling asleep a very difficult endeavor.
"What is the worst thing you've overheard while pretending to be asleep?"
Absolutely Nothing About This Makes Any Sense
"When I was a kid, I used to be scared of monsters or something creeping up on me in my sleep, so I would always ask my dad to check on me before he went to bed."
"It made me feel more comfortable."
"One night, I was still awake when I heard him coming up the stairs, and I wasn’t supposed to be awake and knew I would get in trouble if he saw me, so I pretended to be asleep."
"He came in to my room and just kinda stared at me for a few seconds, then came up close to my bed, lifted the blanket up, farted under it, turned around and left."
"It’s been at least 15 years and I remember that night vividly."
"He vehemently denies it to this day but I know what happened."- YaBoiStego
No Matter When Or Where, It's Never News You Want to Hear
"I heard the news my dad passed away pretending to sleep."
"I was 12 at the time, woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom."
"Headed to the kitchen to get some water after and saw my sister sitting on the couch."
"She asked if I could sleep out in the living room with her and I didn't think anything of it."
"Woke up the next morning and kept my eyes closed, I heard my mom telling my dad's best friend we lost him."
"I won't forget it."- weesstt
"I pretended to sleep through the doctor sitting at my kitchen table telling my dad he had stage 3 cancer."
"I was 9."
"He's totally fine now!"
"But it really sucked at the time."- slightlysarcastic75
Even If You Weren't Actually Asleep, Did He Not Worry About Waking Him Up?
"Freshman college roommate watching porn on his laptop wearing headphones, humping his mattress like there’s no tomorrow."- underpar86
Volume Up What GIF by Lillee JeanGiphyWhere On Earth Were The Parents?!?!
"Sleeping over at a friends house when I was 14, all of us on the floor in living room."
"Couldn’t sleep."
"Two of my friends, guy and girl, directly next to me start doing freaky things to each other."
"I was extremely shy and a couple of years younger than them so I stayed quiet and hoped they’d stop."
"Had to listen to them for an hour while she made weird a** moaning squeaky noises and he was singing (in a weird slightly whispery singy voice) matchbox 20 songs to her while he did whatever he was doing."
"That was last time I slept over at a friends house."- ashananon
Medical Miracle?
"That I was dying with Meningitis but jokes on the doctors I'm still kicking."- FeedBean6
What Happens In Vegas...
"My grandparents won $10,000 at the casino, and they told all of their children, and presumably gave them some of that money, except my dad."
"My dad is a d*ck so I didn’t tell him either."- 3-methylbutylacetate
Make It Rain Loop GIF by Chris TimmonsGiphySome Friends They Are...
"My 'friends' talking about going into my wallet later and stealing my money, and then leave before I notice."
"I kicked them out."- bodymeat_112
Caught In The Act
"My mom and I were sharing a hotel room on a trip and unfortunately only had one bed so we had to share that too."
"As I was trying to fall asleep, I kept hearing the text tone from my mom’s phone going off and her giggling."
"My parents hate each other so I knew it wasn’t my dad she was texting with."
"Curious, I opened my eyes just a little bit to see that she was flirting with other men while on a trip with her family and I was in fact staring at a d*ck pic."
"I couldn’t really go back to sleep after that."- MissMetalSix
Setting Such A Good Example...
"My older brother in the next room when he snuck a girl in."
"They had sex for about a minute and then I could hear him apologizing for about 20."
"May not be the worst ever, but it's definitely the funniest."- Sigurd93
Are They Really "Mates"?
"Probably the funniest was on a camping trip with the boys."
"I have sleep apnea and use a cpap machine."
"I overheard a couple of my mates talking about smoking a joint and hotboxing me through the air intake of my cpap machine."- anonymous_DoDoBeDoDo·
Never A Pleasant Sound
"Probably my dad's dementia screaming."
"Usually nothing is wrong, but he'll wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning to yell at God and grind his teeth."
"You never do get used to it."- PossibleStrength·
Seemed To Work Out For The Best?...
"Not me, but my wife heard her boyfriend having sex with her best friend."
"This was obviously long before we met."- TheDeadGunslinger
Mommie, Dearest...
"My mom and aunt talking, thinking 10-year-old me was asleep."
"Aunt, 'Little Runs_N_Goses is so cute'."
Mom: 'No, he's not very good-looking at all'."- Runs_N_Goses
Even if pretending you're asleep might save you from partaking in something you want to put off for as long as possible, for better or worse, it doesn't save you from hearing everything you are missing.
Which, in certain cases, might mean you have to face the music all over again.
Almost making you wish you were, in fact, asleep and it was all a dream.