Sneaky Eavesdroppers Reveal The Most Shocking Things They've Overheard While Pretending To Be Asleep
We've all been there that moment when you decide, for one reason or another, that you're going to pretend you're asleep? Usually, that just means keeping your eyes shut to avoid whatever is going on around you, until you either fall asleep for real or everyone leaves. Occasionally, there is a magical moment in which the people around you take it as an opportunity to talk about things that they usually wouldn't say around you. Here, people talk about the most outrageous things they've overheard whilst pretending to be asleep.
Thanks to everyone who contributed! If you'd like to read more stories like this, check out the source link at the end of this article. Comments have been edited for clarity.
I remember way back when, I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve, you know, being a little kid and all. So during this sleepless night where I guess my parents thought I was asleep, I heard my dad say, "where do you think we should hide the new puppy?" That was pretty much at the top of my list, so naturally I was excited that I was getting a puppy. They talked for a good 20 minutes about the puppy, saying things like, "how should we keep it from barking before he finds him?" before I dozed off.
Next morning, I discovered that my parents knew I was awake and just decided to mess with me. There was no puppy. I got a Gameboy though, so it wasn't too bad.
When I was 6 or 7 I remember staying up late without the babysitter realizing, whilst my parents were out. I remember when they came back home I was so worried about getting into trouble for still being awake that I pretended to be asleep. Mum came in the room asking whether or not I was awake (I stayed quiet) and then she just sat down on my bed. She was quiet for what felt like forever but was probably only a couple of minutes before she bent over, stroked my hair, and kissed the top of my head whilst telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her and then she tucked the covers around me tighter and left. To this day it's my favourite memory of her and one I've never shared with anyone.
Her birthday is coming up in a month so I'm going to tell her, just need to figure out how to word it in a birthday card.
I was spending the night at a friend's house I'm a guy and she's a girl. I had brought my friend over because we were out partying, and we all slept in the same room. I was laying on the floor near my friend when I heard my friend Andrea call my name. Wanting to sleep, I ignored her not moving, to which she respond, "Ok, Andy I think he's asleep, come here." About 5 minutes later I hear the bed squeaking and her soft moans, one of them sneezed about 15 minutes into it, in which I responded, "Bless you." They immediately stopped 10/10 would do again.
Must've been about 16, 17ish, was staying at a friends house who was with his girlfriend. He was the first in our circle to have sex and he just loved to brag about it. How much of a natural he was, how surprised his girlfriend was that she was his first, all that clich bollocks. We all just laughed, let him have his fun, and got on with it.
Anyway, back to being at his place with her. I go and crash early on the floor of their room (in a sweet little blanket pile with her dog, it was great), I was just getting bored of him rampantly flirting at her like a brain damaged peacock. So, about a half hour later, they come in, and of course they start doing the deed. I honestly think they forgot I was there or something. I hear very loud kissing, a few batman grunts, a bit of whimpering - they had started and finished in less than a minute.
So I'm lying, curled up in the corner of their room under blankets and a dog, listening to my friend cry in shame while his girlfriend was finishing herself off.
That was a great night.
When I was a kid my mom would make my brother and me take naps for like 45 minutes. I pretended I was sleeping, and I heard my mom talking on the phone to my grandma. During the conversation I assume my grandma had asked what my brother and I were up to, because she said (my name)'s brother is sleeping, and (my name) is pretending to be asleep. I was like ...crap. She said she knew I was faking because my mouth was closed, and whenever I'm actually asleep my mouth is slightly open. Ever since that day, whenever I'm pretending to be asleep for whatever reason, I keep my mouth slightly open. Thanks for the tip, mom.
Weekend retreat at church camp - my buddy and another friend's girlfriend and I ended up in a room with two bunk beds. We were chilling, when I realized that I was the third wheel, so I powered down. First there were tests to see if I was awake, then she climbed to his top bunk, then kissing, then her moaning, then her telling him he should wash his hand. I got bored and did some fake sleep-talking. They laughed and continued, but they called it a night without rounding home. She left, and I figured it was best to not give high-fives till the next day.
I don't know why I waited until we were at his house; maybe she rode back with us. Still, it was my first time playing Super Nintendo, and as he handed me the controller that would introduce me to Yoshi, I asked him, "You did wash your hands, right?"
He was so thrilled to get to talk to someone about it.
"This dumbarse knows that we know he's awake, right?"
"I'm only friends with him because I feel sorry for him."
I played it cool for the rest of the night and then just never talked to him again.
When I was 8, on Christmas eve I overheard Santa eating the cookies and drinking the milk. Later, he opened the fridge and ate a large chunk of a cake and ran around the living room smearing the cake everywhere. Santa was our dog.
At a sleepover, "Do you think he's circumcised or not?"
It was a night after drinking with friends. I wasn't really pretending, but more trying to keep my head from spinning. I overheard my buddy say to my other friend, Say! I wonder how easy it is to smother someone to death.
I was in this messed up relationship with my ex husband when I was pregnant with my second kid. We had a roommate (female) but we would all have sex with each other because we were "young and free spirited" or something...
Anyway, I pretended to be asleep one night because I didn't feel like having sex that night and didn't want to turn anybody down or make up an excuse. My ex-husband and the roommate got to talking in the next room (the bedroom door was open so I could hear them pretty clearly) and she asked him why he married me anyway... His response:
"I just didn't know what else to do at that point. Seemed like the next logical step and I took it. I honestly wish I hadn't done it and I wish I was single right now living life, but now I have this stupid family and I'm not sure how I'm gonna get out."
Hit me real hard...
A French girl I met in a hostel came in to where I was sleeping and just sat there. I had just cut it off with her and I didn't want to deal with her, so I pretended to be asleep for a few minutes. She just mumbled random stuff, she was pretty drunk. Finally what got me up was when, in the cutest french accent, she told me she was going to set me on fire in my sleep.
I should have mentioned that, yes, I did sleep with her again after that. Sometimes you gotta do messed up stuff to stay not on fire.
I was drunk at a party and couldn't fathom the world so I lay down, closed my eyes in a dark room. I heard two of my friends come in, one came over to me and poked me in the ribs then said, "It's fine, he's asleep." They then proceed to talk about how both of them were cheating on their boyfriends and who at the party they wanted to get down with.
A loud fart followed by "oh sh-t!". And then some shuffling sounds..
My parents talking dirty while they were doing it.
I was sharing a room with a friend and his girlfriend for New Years and after all the partying and drinking he was horny. They thought I was sleeping so he began to touch her. Even though she was horny too, she didn't want to do it because I was there.
So they were talking for like 5 minutes about whether to do it or not while he was still working his magic fingers on her when suddenly she said:
"No, we really can't do it that would be so disrespectful for h... ooh yes ooohh like that... Ok, let's do it but silently..."
My friend said I'm a nice guy. Thank you man. May you rest in peace.
A screaming match involving the line, "I want you to say one nice thing about my kids, ONE!" Followed by silence and doors slamming.
My mum told a friend via telephone: I thought my husband was cheating, so now I do it too. I still don't know what to do. My father has not cheated and it's proven. My mum is just stupid, they're getting divorced now.
I was sleeping without a shirt. My dad told my mom I had a nice build.
I hope they didn't notice me smile.
Every time I've tried to pretend to fall asleep I ended up falling asleep for real. Darn it!
I pretended to fall asleep when I was about 12 because I heard someone coming into the room that my younger sister and I shared and thought it was my mom who would yell at me for being on my ipod at 2am. It turns out it was a robber (with a crowbar), he just peeked into the room and went out when he saw us in there. I'm really glad I didn't realize until the next morning who it was - I have no idea how I would have reacted if I'd realized some strange man was in my room at 2am.
I went to a college party. It was late, so I actually fell asleep. Woke up a few minutes later and an orgy was happening, so I closed my eyes and hoped I looked asleep. I did not get disturbed.
I pretended to be asleep at a sleepover, and heard my supposed friends planning to throw my clothes in the tree. Middle school sucks.
One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party. I didn't drive back then so my friend picked me up. All went well on our way to the party. On the way back however, he got pulled over. As we were pulling to the side of the road, I told him that I was gonna pretend to be sleeping (since I was the passenger). Anyway, I hear the cop get out of his cop car, walk towards our car, he stops at the window but doesn't say anything. I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I don't hear him or my friend say anything. After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see what's going on. That's when I see my friend, the guy who is driving, is pretending like he is sleeping too.
Afterward? So, after my initial internal "holy crap" moment, the cop, who was obviously messing with us, apologized for waking us up and asked us to step out of the car. He never said but I'm sure he suspected us of being under the influence, which we weren't (my friend and I were just being dumb kids, him more so than me, obviously). We fully cooperated and since we weren't out past curfew, we were soon on our way.
The reason the cops pulled us over? My friends car had a busted tail light. I asked him what did he hope to accomplish by pretending to be sleep-driving, to which he replied that he thought I had a smart idea and he should do what I did. He'll probably be glad to know that his most embarrassing moment is now on the internet for all to see.
"I hate you." -quietly, passionately, by my husband.
We are now separated and don't speak.
Note: while my husband was no angel, I have to say that he was the lesser of two evils in our marriage. Don't feel too bad for me; I deserved it.
I was dozing off in my bed with my girlfriend at the time when I heard her confess her love for me. She was pretty hammered, but she went into intricate detail about how she feels respected, enjoys the sex, and sees a serious future with me.
The next morning I got yelled at for not cuddling and told that it was a major issue. I don't think she even knew of her confession.
My mum did this once when a friend of her father came round to visit. She was tired and pretended to fall asleep on the sofa, cause she didn't want to be spoken to. Her father and his friend proceed to talk about the war (This is WW2 and they're Polish). This friend was sent to the border between Poland and Ukraine, and some villages were attacked by neighbouring Ukrainians for some reason I'm still not sure about.
He said they killed people by sawing them in half, and loads of other gruesome things she wouldn't tell me.
When I was in high school, I was practically a loner. Before high school I lived in central Florida and didn't understand friendships and romantic relationships because of constant middle school bullies lying and messing with me and stuff.
Anyways, I moved from big a city in central Florida to a small town in redwoods California. I moved when I was in 8th grade, and I just kept to myself knowing that I'll probably move again because of my dad's job so I thought there was no point in making friends. I was always keeping to myself and minding my own business, and I had a lot of sad thoughts and I felt that, (like in middle school), if someone learned of my sad feelings then they would make fun of me. So I had to act like I'm not sad. Since I wasn't good at socializing and I realized one of the easiest ways to be in a good mood was to hold my classroom's door open. I knew it was a nice gesture so I just did it, and I thought being nice meant being in a good mood, so I held a door open every time.
Every morning I would hold my first period door open. I literally just stood there and held the door open, sometimes sit but mostly stood there. You get the occasional thank you, and I would just nod my head and not say anything.
After a while in my head I would say "It's working! No one will know that I'm feeling sad."
I then started picking up trash if someone littered and threw it away, I picked up a pencil when someone dropped it, if someone was sitting alone I would sit next them (although I wouldn't say much), and I would say "good morning (name)" to everyone in my first period. In my mind it was foolproof no one will know I'm sad! Oddly enough, I didn't get bullied.
Fast forward to high school. Well surprise, surprise there were bullies. I was made fun of on my bus rides home because I was Asian, I was being pushed around in the hallways, etc. However I kept on doing my gestures, because you know, I did not want people to know I'm sad. Even though I did break down crying once on my bus.
Another fast forward to sophomore year. Every morning I would hold open the door to my high school's zero period. Which was really early in the morning, and I would almost always be the first one there. I was sitting there with my eyes closed to rest a bit, and I guess people though I was asleep. I overheard some kid making fun of me. Typical. Then I overheard someone defending me. Saying I'm a nice kid and stuff. It wasn't just one person, but multiple people. They were talking about how dedicated I am to being nice to people: holding the door open, picking up trash, picking up dropped pencils, sitting next to the lonely kids, etc. Soon after I started noticing people's kindness towards me.
One moment was when this one bully held me to the ground when there was no one around. He was saying, "show me how Asian people fight." Of course, knowing about expulsion, I refused to fight and let him have his way. Then out of nowhere, two tough looking kids shoved the bully off of me and told the bully off and not to mess with me. They were telling me how they got my back and stuff. To myself I thought that was odd. Soon the days after I started noticing practically every clique was defending me. On my bus ride a couple of kids were telling their country friend to apologize to me for always making fun of me being Asian. Some goth looking kids were wondering if I was alright and that I should smile some more since I had a great smile. I even realized that it was a bunch of football players that one morning when I was pretending to be asleep that defended me. Not long after I started smiling more, saying hello to everyone I knew the name of in the hallway, (which was a lot apparently), joined community involving clubs. Heck I was even nominated for the Sophomore class homecoming king. I ended up telling people not to because I wasn't good in front of crowds. I ended up moving like I predicted by the end of my sophomore year. Looking back, it was that moment that I realized for the first time that I truly mattered to people, and I didn't think as many sad thoughts since.
Thanks for reading!
Not all television and movies are loved by all.
A story and its characters have to appeal to you in order for you to be engaged.
It can take next to nothing for us to lose interest and let the screen go black.
Redditor BarooTangClan wanted to compare notes on all the entertainment we've said "that's enough" to.
"What will make you instantly stop watching a movie or show and why?"
I hate bad acting, writing, storytelling... I hate bad anything.
Stop JumpingFight Scene GIF by Operation FortuneGiphy
"Fight scenes with a million visual cuts. Gives me motion sickness. Contrast the absolutely masterful work in John Wick. long cuts, realistic use of weapons (mostly), 100% skill."
"When the actors whisper the whole movie and you have to crank the volume to hear what's being said - but the soundtrack or some other misc noise starts blaring at a higher volume directly after."
"I basically had to watch Stranger Things up in my attic with the windows and doors closed. I was worried the neighbors would think something was wrong or be annoyed if I watched it downstairs in my single family home. It was ridiculous."
"spice things up"
"Love triangles out of no where in a second or third season to 'spice things up' because studio writers are hacks and their idea of relationship drama is 'potential infidelity' at all times. It's the most tired trope on the go**amn planet and the second I see it rear its head I dip right the hell out."
"The whole concept of a love triangle to begin with an incredibly juvenile. Any healthy functioning adult who found themselves in a love triangle would soon choose to find themselves single."
Save your lips...
"When couples in a movie/show have a fight and one of them instantly goes to a friend and end up kissing her/him after talking for 5 minutes. I cringe so hard i turn it off and never watch it again."
"This pissed me off so much in Manifest. Girl is desperate to get back her ex-fiancé, he finally breaks up with his wife to get back with her and she's like 'nah, it's not fair to your wife, let me do this other dude I just met through a calling and be pissed at you for being jealous.' Michaela was the worst and everyone acted as if she were a saint the entire time."
Talk to MeIn Love Flirt GIF by OriginalsGiphy
"Shows where a single polite conversation could fix everything."
We are going overboard with the witty repartee. Talk normal...
Shut UpScared Home Alone GIF by FreeformGiphy
"Annoying main character, especially if it's a kid."
"Kids who have a quippy, sassy retort to everything, and everyone just kind of crumbles before their wit."
"Shows where kids in high school talk like they are 30 years olds who have done everything, been everywhere, know it all and use a ridiculously flowery and extensive vocabulary in every conversation. Like, have any of these writers ever been to high school? Literally no one talks like that. Even worse is when, in addition to this, all the adults talk normal or are just plain stupid, like so weird parallel universe."
"If the movie is too dark. Not graphic, just literally dark. I lose all sense of intensity in dark scenes and I'm not straining my damn eyes trying to figure out what the hell is going on."
"I've seen about 10 percent of all DC movies recently. I've seen all of the individual films in full, just actually saw 10% of each of them."
"Movies in the late 80s had a lot of dark but you could see the depth because of different shooting techniques. Now you cant see crap because its a CGI fest drowned in black color so you can't see crap because you have no depth in a scene. Compare night scenes in dark alleys in 80's movies and movies now. Utter crap show in the new ones."
Pay Attention Storytellers
"Bad editing would be a big one. A lot of modern horror movies can't help but edit the movies like they're trailers, with added noises to scare the audience because they are afraid the script alone isn't enough to keep people watching."
"I remember this is where the first transformers movie lost me. When the transformers are fighting at the end, it's all a big, jumbled mess of metal and I can barely tell what's going on or who is who."
Dramawill devry soap opera GIF by General HospitalGiphy
"When they go straight to relationship drama right away when it wasn't the selling point of the show."
Do better, Hollywood. It's not that hard.
I fear death.
I wake up in cold sweats dreaming about it.
I think about it in my waking hours.
It's an obsession and clearly, I'm not alone.
But there are more preferred ways to exit.
All we can do is hope to be lucky enough to skip the mercilessly awful.
Please just let me go quick and in my sleep.
RedditorCallMehRiverwanted to hear about all the ways none of us what to leave this life.
"What Do You Think Would Be The Worst Death Imaginable?"
My list of the worst deaths is long. My imagination runs amok.
Trappedseason 6 friends GIFGiphy
"For me? Being trapped in a small tube or cave (like the ones you have to wiggle through) and getting stuck to where you can’t move your arms. And all you can do is wait to die. I’m getting chills just thinking about it."
"The more I hear about cavers that get stuck, the more I think that's a crap way to go."
"There’s a great YouTube channel called Ask a Mortician and this was her #1 worse way to die. I can’t remember the exact details or their names, but two well-known divers went into an underwater cave."
"One of them became entangled and died. Years later, his friend dives back down there to try and retrieve his body, the body itself is rotten and his head comes off and the other guy also becomes tangled and dies. Really sad."
A Long Process
"Believed to be in a coma but coherent through the whole 20 year process until they pull the plug."
"Oh man this just reminded me of a story I read on here about a guy who lost the ability to move and speak but was completely conscious. Had to just lay there and be awake but trapped in a useless body. His family thought he was brain dead or something and he couldn’t communicate to them that he was 'all there.' Crazy"
Slow & Steady
"Being slowly impaled by a growing bamboo. It was a form of torture probably used by the japanese during WW2 against Allied prisoners."
"The scariest part is that once you have symptoms, you 100% will die. A 100% mortality rate has to be a psychological torture in itself."
"Not only that, you feel irrational fear. Your brain is literally being eaten apart by the virus and it fu*ks up everything on it. You can't drink water because it hurts you. You feel dizzy, present a fever, excessively salivate, everything hurts and it only gets worse. I'd rather take a bullet and die when the symptoms are still tolerable."
Why can't we all just go engulfed in calm and quiet?
"Some pulpy sci-fi book I read a while back had one of the best deaths of this real piece of crap bad guy. Left to die in a drowning sea lab under the Antarctic ice, he freezes himself in a state of the art suspended animation pod with some kind cold fusion power source that would keep it running for millions of years."
"But he forgot to inject himself with the drug that would put him to sleep. So basically he is in suspended animation at the bottom of the Antarctic ocean while his mind is perfectly awake and conscious in a near unbreakable machine that won't run out of power for millions of years and nobody knows about it."
"As an RN I have always thought that the worst way to die (natural process) is ALS. Lou Gehrig's Disease."
"My mom and grandmother have Huntington's disease, which is essentially ALS, Alzheimer's, and Dementia combined into one really messed up genetic disease. I have a 50% chance of inheriting it and if I hit 40 and there's still no cure I can't promise I'll feel like continuing on with my life because that disease is absolutely freaking miserable."
"The fact your chromosomes can be so destroyed your body basically lost it's genetic code and with it the ability to make any new cells. It's literally a 'dead man walking' and you slowly rot away in agony. Stuff is so unimaginably f**ked up."
"What's also bad about radiation is that it affects your nerves and brain cells last, so you have everything in place to feel all the pain of the rest of your cells being destroyed."
GooNot Listening Season 2 GIF by The Fresh Prince of Bel-AirGiphy
"I want to believe anything that slowly kills you painfully to be the worst. Such as slowly being crushed or something where the pain is beyond compare and yet not enough to throw you into shock or unconsciousness."
"Alternatively, being rapidly crushed into goo would probably be the least painful. I'm talking one of those massive industrial hammers they use for large steel work. Basically smooshed before the nerve signals make it to the brain."
Now I'll never sleep again without nightmares of death.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Most Americans think nothing of their humdrum daily activities or amenities available to them.
However, others with a different perspective might romanticize the things that are otherwise commonplace ideas and concepts for US citizens, like going to a diner or riding the school bus.
One Redditor looked to foreigners to hear of their American desires to respond to the following:
"Non-Americans of Reddit: what is an American thing you have always wanted to try?"
The things depicted in film really captivated foreign audiences.
"To visit a diner like in the movies. In the middle of the night, it’s raining and just a few people there with great music from a jukebox."
Iconic Student Transport
"Ride a yellow school bus even if I'm too old. Growing up I always loved seeing them on TV."
Just Like The Ones We Used To Know
"A white Christmas."
"Living in an Australian state where I've never even seen snow in our winter, let alone experiencing that classic Hallmark movie moment of waking up to a street full of it and sitting around a fireplace while opening gifts/preparing a feast."
"Guess it's not strictly American, but the imagery and trope is something I've only really seen from American Films."
They may be ubiquitous for us, but they sure seem to be novel ideas to foreigners.
Let's Be Frank
"One of the hotdogs from those little street cart things."
"A friend of mine from Indonesia said, 'the food chewer in the sink.'"
"Apple Pie made by white-haired grandma, placed near window, who says 'oh dear...' as I levitate towards it."
"Proper tailgating before a ball game, the kind where there's ribs and stuff."
"Deep fried foods at a state fair. I'm from Scotland and we love to deep fry everything and I wanna know if it's just as good or better."
There are places to see!
Places To See
"America’s greatest invention!"
Backpacking In Nature
"I always wanted to hike The Appalachian Trail if that counts. Or see Yellowstone."
"Being able to start a whole new life 'elsewhere' without having to leave my country and going through an arduous immigration process."
My cousin told me she looks forward to visiting a Trader Joe's someday when she visits America for the first time.
Her bucket list option was hardly surprising. My parents used to bring treats from TJs as a novelty souvenir gift item, and my relatives ate it up. Literally.
Let's face it. The snacks at TJs rocks.
Even store locations in New York City would have ridiculously long lines during busy hours because the West-coast-based grocer was a novelty on the East Coast.
Many people work hard from the moment they are on the clock until their respective shifts are over at the end of a long day.
For many of those in the workforce, the wages barely sustain a comfortable living, especially for those who are raising a family.
Yet, there are jobs that are known to pay a higher salary without requiring extreme physical labor, or the requirement of higher education.
Curious to hear what those jobs might be, Redditor ImAMasterBayter asked:
"People Break Down Which Professions Are Completely Overpaid"
Extensive training requirements are not a thing, apparently, with these professions.
Daily Dairy Duty
"I watch milk powder go into a bag and out on a conveyor and get paid $37 an hour."
Eyeing Dirt In Motion
"Mine? I get paid $20.50 a hr to watch dirt go by on a belt all day."
The Handy Man Is Happy To Help
"I am a handy man that charges $50/hr with a 3hr minimum, a couple months ago I got a call for service that consisted of changing 9 smoke detector batteries, 2 light bulbs, and rehanging a picture. I felt bad taking the money but the guy couldn’t have been happier to have that stuff finally done. He asked for my card and is now a very good client."
Words From An Appraiser
"I make about 40 an hour after tax in the US as a real estate appraiser. You just need a college degree and a year of training and there is a huge shortage of appraisers right now."
"Edit because this post blew up: I only perceive this job as being overpaid because I used spent most of my 20's making pizza for minimum wage and imposter syndrome is a thing. Also, OP said he was looking for a possible career, and I felt like my job post was better than a troll post."
"Appraisers are not real estate agents or brokers. I do not buy or sell property."
"I do not, 'look at zillow and copy the number' and I don't just, 'make the number' in valuation. While I agree there are some appraisers who may lie or exaggerate, the same could be said of nearly any job. However, if I were to intentionally try hit some goal and got caught fudging the numbers, I'm looking at permanently losing my license and possible jail time depending on the severity. It's actually pretty common for me to, 'tank a deal' if someone is paying too much. This isn't the wild west of valuation anymore; FIRREA is a thing now. Appraisal reports aren't just 3 pages of photos with a cover page anymore; my typical appraisal is 30-50 pages with long boring typed pages of market data that I type and research myself."
"Let's talk about the appraisal gap. In most of the US, we are experiencing a, 'sellers market' meaning houses are selling for higher than what they normally sell for. A lot of people at this thread are blaming appraisers for driving housing prices up. Let me be perfectly clear about this: appraiser's valuations are based off of past data. That is it; we look at closed sales from the past. Realtors and brokers speculate on future markets, because they are motivated by profit. If anyone is driving this current market trend, it is the people buying properties over listing price, local government/laws willingness to allow foreign investors, the people who are raising rents, and the people who are making big risky developments. The appraisers have little to nothing to do with market perception of value; in my area at least many market participants are paying over 30% of listing price. Trust me when I say these people are not satisfied when my appraised value comes in less than that."
"The hardest part of the job is definitely the occasional angry phone call. Let's look at an example. Say someone lists their house at 100k, and they accept an offer for 150k, or 50% over listing. Well the appraisal is based off of past closed sales. The bank will only finance up to the appraised value. So if the appraisal comes in at 110k, meaning the subject in relation to comparable sales from the past year in the subject neighborhood equate to roughly 110k, they will either need to renegotiate the price, or be willing to put up 40k of their own money."
"In a sellers market, it's often better to accept a deal with better financing than a higher price. Let's say in this situation instead of taking the 150k offer with a mortgage, you take a smaller offer for 140k that is all cash, no financing. Well if there is no financing involved, meaning no bank, than no appraisal is needed."
Landing work in software seems to be like hitting the jackpot of success.
"I’m in software sales, software sales. Coworker got 100k commission on a deal."
"There are an incredible amount of 'analysts' who just 'own' automated excel sheets they received from developer teams."
"Low to mid six figures is common in HCOL areas."
The Successful Client
"I do the tax returns for a guy who paid 20k for demographic research software and made something like 40M over the last 3 years. His costs are almost nothing and admitted he does like 5 hours of work a week on it."
"I got more likes and comments than I thought I would, and wanted to add some more detail. The guy himself is super nice and easy to work with. It's hard not to feel jealous even though I make good money myself. His business and personal returns are super simple so we don't even charge him that much for them."
"The software is something proprietary he paid a third party for, and I don't know the name of that developer. The data output is sold to political campaigns and he's compensated more if the campaign wins. He did have some clients on both sides but now exclusively works on one side of the aisle."
Salaries in the world of academics got a closer inspection.
"University administrators and board members."
A Stark Contrast
"I'm a professor. I love it. But the 'president's office' contains a staff of 5 people with a total payroll of just under $500k/year. Meanwhile, all the PhDs, MFAs, and DMAs who teach all the classes, advise all the students, and serve on all the committees bring home a whopping $50k-$65k/year, dependent on rank, tenure, etc. It's real fun...
"The president of my institution makes a approximately $500k/year and is provided a house on campus alongside reserved parking if he so chooses to use it. He also gets a country club membership. Meanwhile I have to pay $200 to park at the school where I TA and do research, and I get paid maybe 1/20th of what he does. I genuinely do not understand why the f'k the dude who makes six figures doesn't pay for parking, but I do."
"Edit: that should be half a million."
Some of the cushiest jobs that require less time actively toiling away seem to be paying significantly more than the average livable wage offered in the US.
Perhaps the biggest indicator of what that might be was summed up best by Redditor iadasr, who said:
"Whatever you guys are all doing that lets you browse Reddit all day..."