Sure, they're cute and seemingly innocent, but there's more than meets the eye with these furry little jerks.
1. Dolphins
They have to keep the dolphins separate at Disney World because they had started catching the sting rays in their beaks, bringing them to the surface, and skipping them like rocks.
2. Emperor Penguins
Those adorable little Emperor Penguins you love? Think again.
The emperor penguin has mastered the dark arts of both child kidnapping and child abandonment. It all starts when an emperor mama returns from finding food, only to find no fuzzy chicks waiting for her. Whether it drowned in the freezing cold water or some jerkwad seal mistook it for a Twinkie, the penguin's child is no longer there. Since making babies is basically all the animal kingdom has going for it until it discovers PlayStation and yoga, the poor ex-parent's hormones kick into overdrive, and she starts seeing red.
Unfortunately, her solution is pure horror. Instead of calling up hubby, turning up the Adele, and working hard to create a new bundle of joy, she simply wanders the snowbanks looking for another emperor penguin's chick. Then, she straight-up steals it, leads it back to her own nest, and raises it as her own ... for about five minutes.
The typical emperor penguin kidnapper will lose interest in her bouncing baby hostage within days, even hours. Most likely, a teeny seedling in that pea brain of hers realizes she didn't hatch that thing, but instead of accepting the responsibility of parenthood that she herself sought out, she quickly disavows the squawking kidlet that she never should have avowed in the first place.
But does she return the child to its nest? Nope! That's too much work. She simply abandons it to die.
3. Cuckoos
Those jerks wait till a mother bird from a different species has left the nest to get food. The Cuckoo will then sneak in a lay an egg in the other birds nest then disappear like John Wayne riding into the sun set.
A few weeks later the Cuckoo egg will hatch, usually before the other birds brood. The cuckoo chick, hours old, will then use a specifically designed hollow in its back to push the other eggs out of the nest, killing them off one by one. The bird then raises the Cuckoo as it's own, never realizing the deception.
When it's old enough the Cuckoo will fledge and leave the nest. It never visits, writes or even remembers the birthday of its adoptive mother
Another thing that makes them dicks, the mother cuckoo doesn't care how big the forced adoptive mother is. The Cuckoo chick is quite often double the size of it's fully grown adoptive parent!
4. Margays
Sometimes known as tree ocelots, Margays are nocturnal cats from southern Mexico down to South America.
Their method is particularly horrible because of how it exploits the good nature of the prey. Margays hunt by mimicking the sound of a baby monkey in distress. Seriously. Although scientists have described the imitation as not being very good, it seems to be fairly effective.
The margay hides and makes a screeching sound that sounds like a baby tamarin that has been injured. An adult tamarin, desperately seeking to rescue the youngster, is then eaten by the margay. No good deed goes unpunished, especially out in the wild.
5. Cats
They are the ultimate dicks. They manipulate you and treat you like crap, yet you somehow cannot get enough of them.
6. Turkeys
They see their reflection in cars and peck the heck out of them.
When I was in grad school and did work at the poultry science unit they always joked about the time that a student went into the lab and (Continued)
Continue reading on the next page!
put a disco ball in with the research turkeys (part of the required environmental enrichment). Apparently they all died because they wouldn't do anything except stare at it.
7. The story of the Praying Mantis & Black Widow
I once kept a praying mantis and a black widow as pets in separate containers as a child. One day the gods (parents) decreed that only one shall live to see the sun set (they got tired of all the bugs in jars on the mantle.) So as emperor over my enslaved insects I decided the noblest method of deciding the survivor should be a gladiator type death match between the two. Boy was it awesome, I remember it well even years later.
I moved the mantis into the spider's enclosure (home field advantage?) and naturally she began to explore this new territory. It wasn't long before she came upon her venomous foe, who was simple minded and unaware of the danger, sort of like an idiot with a hand gun. Understanding what her ruler was demanding of her, the loyal mantis began plotting her attack. If you've never seen a mantis hunt its prey, they remain relatively still and fixated on their target swaying slowly in an uncanny imitation of a leaf in the breeze, slowly moving closer and closer. I'd seen her do it many times before with flies and grasshoppers and this possible final battle was no less fascinating to watch. Part of me wondered if she knew the risk of what she was about to do, one small mistake and the mantis would be no more.
Then it happened, in a fraction of a second all hell broke loose and the fires of war were released from their cage.
The mantis lunged with speed but not precision, punching her target but failing to secure grip. Though black widows don't have facial expressions it was clear she was hella confused as to what the hell just slapped her rear. This was no gentle love tap however and the spider's confusion quickly turned to panic and fear as mantis landed her second attack. The initial struggle was brief and paused when the mantis was somehow able to suspend the widow in the air in front of it, holding four legs in each claw with the spider's belly facing the beast (holy damn this mantis trained with batman or something). The spider, despite its fierce reputation and dangerous venom was no match for the sheer strength of the mantis.
What happened next was the single most horrifying but amazing thing I ever witnessed as a child. The mantis, one by one, pulled the legs directly out of the thorax of the spider all while still holding it in the air until it was nothing but a black sphere with a little head on top, so metal. It consumed each leg individually like a wood chipper being fed sticks all while being careful to keep a safe distance from the fangs. I could almost hear the screams of the widow, which was remarkably still alive at this point. This was some Monty Python black knight type stuff. That was until its head was bitten clean off and dropped to the floor of the enclosure. Mantis then proceeded to consume the abdomen and be on her merry way like nothing had ever happened. Emperor was pleased, I named her Munchy and granted her permission to roam freely in my house which surprisingly was ok with the gods. Sometimes a week would go by without any sightings and then I'd wake up one morning to Munchy walking on my ceiling, looking for a worthy opponent to satisfy her thirst for blood.
8. Seagulls
You inland dwellers don't know rage until you've wrestled an ice cream eating seagull.
9. Geese
They have enough power in their wings to snap human bone.
I made the mistake of picking up a goose once. Here's what happened... (Continued)
Continue reading on the next page!
I was 8 and it was the worst beating I have ever had in my life. Those wings slapped the sides of my head at the same time, multiple times. I was left a bloody mess, and the goose went wild with pecking and honking at my limp body until my uncle saved my life.
10. Flies
They've got the whole world, the whole damn world to fly in why you gotta fly in my face? Flies are dicks.
I had one of those on my knee when I was 7. It wouldn't fly off even when I ran around or blew on it, so I decided it was obviously trying to make friends with me. 'Great! A six legged flying friend.' I thought, 'I don't have one of those yet. We could have all kinds of fun together! I'll call him Gary.' And proceeded to sit down in the garden and talk to it for the next 20 minutes. When I got a bit bored of the conversation and decided it was time for Gary to move on I got a leaf and started to gently nudge him with it. Wouldn't budge. So I tried a twig, Gary was somehow attached, Gary was starting to hurt my knee. Finally I lost my cool and started to peel him off with my fingers. Then came the blood. Gary wasn't trying to be my friend, Gary was eating me. That was the day I learned about betrayal and darkness.
I hate flies. Particularly horse flies. And especially Gary.
11 Humans.
Enough said.
12. Cane toads
Australians will understand.
Anonymous
13. Horses
They embody all of humanity's worst traits. Hierarchy in the herd determines who gets to eat and breed, so they spend all their free time fighting. Don't be fooled by the docile pony all dolled up under saddle; as soon as they go back in their pen they turn into evil poo-pumps. A horse at the bottom of the pecking order will turn into a teeth-gnashing, hoof-embedding inferno when put into a group they think they can dominate. They will chase each other through electric fences and then expect those same victims to guard them while they sleep.
If they don't like their food or think someone else has better, they will piss on their hay and then chase the other horse away from theirs.
The mothering instinct lasts about one month after foaling, and then the baby becomes another competitor for food. They step on their feed pans because they want to dig out the sweet bits, scattering feed, and then go after another's pan.
They will chew on the very shelter that protects them from the weather, and kick holes in it because they are annoyed. They eat grass to the root and then wonder why none grows back. They poop in their water buckets, on the walls, on each other.
If they sense weakness in the human leading them, they will pull loose and take off. They spook over the slightest shadow, but will bluntly ignore commands that will save them from harm.
Their idea of fun is chewing off each other's blankets in the dead of winter, making them freeze.
Their hooves destroy the ground, their poop destroys the ground, and they love to roll on the ground right after you clean them. They also think it's funny to casually step on you and then ignore your pleas to move.
Horses are dicks.
14. Huntsman Spiders
Huntsman spiders - there is no 'they're more scared of you' type thing with them, they will actually (Continued)
Continue reading on the next page!
They will actually run and jump towards you. Not joking.
15. Deer
Here's the thing; they murder probably more people than any other animal by essentially suicide bombing drivers. Occasionally they commit murder and hoof you to death. They're just dicks. Horned dicks.
16. Ants
Ants are famous for hard work and being able to lift many times their body weight, making them the perfect heroes of an Ayn Rand novel, or the perfect working drone of communism depending on who's telling the story.
So why are they so awful?
Ants are the only species besides humans that carry out wars and enslave their own. And by enslave we mean pulling out the ant whips and putting the other guy to work against his will.
The victors raid the other nest, capture any survivors and steal all the eggs. Survivors and newborn ants are then forced to work for the victors' nest as long as they live; or at least until their new masters get a craving for some fresh slave ant, and devour them.
17. Lions
Ah, the lion. The noblest of animals, always sitting majestically on top of some rock, overseeing his dominion and protecting the pride and so on.
Actually, lions are huge jerks. If there is one thing lions love to do, it's moms. Unfortunately, female lions don't like to put out when they're raising a kid. So, when the lions want some but the kids are in the way, they walk up to the little brats and just straight up kill them. Dead. Done. Gone. Then, to add insult to injury, they proceed to try and get it on with the mother.
18. Meerkats
Meerkats are vile. A 15-year study observing 40 large meerkat groups concluded that their leaders are slave-driving, murderous taskmasters who react to any possible competition in the worst manner imaginable: mass infanticide. See, each group is run by an alpha couple, the only 'kats' allowed to make babies. So if another couple of meerkats get it on and the female gets pregnant... uh oh.
The alpha's never happy to meet a wee one that isn't hers. After all, what if one grows up to be the Chosen One to overthrow the tyrant? No. Way.
So how does the Queen ensure those deviant baby meerkats suffer appropriately? (Continued)
Continue reading on the next page!
She straight up murders them, right in front of their horrified mother.
And instead of just putting the beta out of her misery, the alpha gives her a Sophie's Choice: Either immediately leave the colony and never return (which, since meerkats aren't good at hunting alone, would turn mom into snake poop within days) or become the alpha's best slave forever. Yes, slave -- the beta would be forced into making milk for the alpha's children and generally babysitting the little brats, because it's not like she has any kids of her own tying her down.
19. Bed Bugs
I know they're just doing their thing, but the fact that they come into my apartment, bite me, ruin my furniture, force me to throw out all my belongings and leave my apartment for such small bugs they can have a huge, annoying impact.
Anonymous
20. The Coot
... yes, that's really this bird's name...
Even without the rated-R moniker, coot chicks are so darn adorable, they manage to turn looking like waterlogged mini-vultures into a positive trait. It's their parents, some of the worst child-rearers since the dawn of time, who are the real issue. Basically, they hatch too many children -- nine or 10 at a time -- and can't feed them all. Coots aren't birds of prey, and often the best meals they can scrounge up are tiny, unfilling non-noms like insects and unbreaded shrimp with no cocktail sauce (can you imagine?!). Mom and dad attempt to divvy up this anti-buffet among their starving, increasingly squawking chicks, but it's not enough. The kids remain hungry, and by now are shrieking nonstop about it.
Obviously, the new parents get fed up.
Coot parents, unable to handle the responsibility of feeding such a noisy, demanding brood, start to actually (Continued)
Continue reading on the next page!
They start to actually attack their own children -- biting them on the head and making it perfectly clear that whining isn't okay.
Eventually, they stop attacking all their kids and zoom in on whomever they feel is the weakest. That one gets bitten, pecked, and shunned every time it yells for food, until finally it gets the point and shuts up. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean an invite back to the dinner table. It has officially been disowned, and anything it does will simply invite more violence. The sole option, being a baby, is to slink off and slowly die of starvation.
21. Pandas
They're a complete and total failure as a species. They have no natural predators yet they're still going extinct because they decided to only eat stupid rare sticks and they refuse to bang out a continuation of their species. If the stupid bears want to kill their species in peace, that would be fine, but no, the stupid jerks are cute as heck, so everyone is all "Quick, we need to save the pandas right now!", so a huge chunk of biodiversity preservation funding goes to keep these dumb popular bears alive while numerous other less glamorous species are going extinct with little fuss because they're not "cute".
Sources
Not all pet owners have the same relationship with their pets.
While anyone who decides to become a pet owner, or pet parent as some say, love their pets equally, some never ever let them leave their side.
Taking their pet with them to work, running errands, even on vacations.
Many pet parents even allow their pets to share their bed with them when going to sleep.
For others though, this is where a line is finally drawn.
Redditor Piggythelavasurfer was curious to hear whether pet owners allowed their pets to share their bed with them, as well as the reasons why they do/don't, leading them to ask:
"Do you let your pet sleep in your bed? Why/why not?"
The Tiny Issue Of Water...
"Absolutely not."
"I have fish."- Senior-Meal3649
Everyone Gets Lonely Eventually...
"I adopted an eleven year old cat the day before Halloween."
"She has mostly lived in my closet since I got her, and she hasn’t been too interested in coming out."
"Last night, she came out of my closet and jumped up on my bed, and crawled under my covers and curled up by my feet to sleep."
"I was so happy!"- YellowBeastJeep
The Comforting Reminder That You're Not Alone...
"I recently lost my Greyhound but I used to let him sleep on my bed with me."
"The company was nice and he was no trouble to have on my bed."- HoodedMenace3
Hungry Cookie GIF by De Graafschap Dierenartsen
Giphy
What Do You Mean Allow?
"I have no choice."
"She is a cat, cats do whatever they want."- Small_cat1412
"He lets me sleep in my bed."- Poorly-Drawn-Beagle
Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way
"I carry my old boy upstairs to bed every night."- worst_in_show
Hug GIF by The BarkPost
Giphy
Who Needs An Alarm Clock?
"I let my two cats sleep with me."
"They're so full of love and just want cuddles all the time."
"And so do I."
"We've all developed a lil routine."
"Get to bed, oldest sleeps on my feet to keep them warm, youngest lies in my arm while I lie on my side (she the little spoon), then when I snooze my alarm for work in the morning the youngest paws at my face and meeps loudly to wake me up."- GhostofaFlea_
Whose Bed Is It Anyway?
"Yes."
"They're also kind enough to let me squeeze into whatever space they've left for me."
"Although I do get a few dirty looks off them."- Therealkaylor
"I found this tiny kitten screaming her head off under a car."
"Would not come out."
"Got some food and some water in dishes."
"I stood by the tire so she couldn't see my feet."
"She got curious about the food and water and started gobbling it down."
"I thought she would bolt when I squatted down."
"She was too busy eating."
"I grabbed her by the nape of the neck and all four legs went straight out and she tried to scratch me to death."
"I got her in the door and tossed her toward the couch."
"She ricocheted off the couch as if she was a ping pong off a table and I lost sight of her."
"I put out food and water and a sandbox and did not see that kitten for three days."
"On the third day, I came home and she was on my bed pillow."
"I thought she would bolt when I came near, but she didn't."
"I wanted to sleep so I tried to scoot her little butt off my pillow."
"She would not go."
"I put my head down to sleep and that is the way it was from then on."
"She ran the roost."- Logical_Cherry_7588
sleepy kitten GIF
Giphy
Sleeping Is A Prerequisite...
"No, he's a cat and he cannot keep still during the night."
"He walks across the headboard, opens the closet doors, jumps into the windows and rustles the blinds, etc."
"If he would sleep he could stay, but alas, he's a ramblin' man."- Spong_Durnflungle
Saying No Just Isn't An Option...
"'Let'."
"Lol."
"It's a cat's world and I'm happy to be on her good side."- milaren
Felines Only!
"The cat does, the dog doesn't and the horse certainly does not either."- Xcrowzz
Angry Tom And Jerry GIF by Boomerang Official
Giphy
Is That My Hair On That Pillow?
"My dog is perfect."
"She comes up, cuddles til we start to fall asleep, then gets down to sleep on her bed so she doesn't get too hot."
"Jumps back up in the early morning for wake up cuddles."
"The hair everywhere is the only downside but she is so cozy, what can you do."- HoodieWinchester
It is easy to understand how some people are able to fall asleep more easily knowing their friend and protector is there, in bed, with them.
Though we can't blame others who don't want to run the risk of being scratched or bitten in the middle of the night either...
The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
Giphy
"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Giphy
"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
Giphy
"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
Giphy
"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.