In so many facets of life, kids are sitting ducks.
They simply lack so much life experience that they have the most minimal grasp on what is happening all around them. Children rely completely on the knowledge of people older than them: parents, teachers, coaches, older siblings, even strangers.
But from the vantage of one of those older people, that total dependency opens the door for some good fun.
Some Redditors recently gathered to share the most absurd lies they ever believed wholeheartedly as children. It's rather surreal to imagine if all these fibs were actually true.
SorryForBadEnflish asked, "What's the stupidest lie you can't believe you fell for as a kid?"
Many of the lies stemmed from diabolical motivations. These were pranks at the expense of the child, through and through.
And those dopey kids walked right into it every time.
"My Boy Scout leader told me the troop next to us had dehydrated water pills and a bacon stretcher. He told me to go ask to borrow then."
"I did and they looked at me like I was an idiot."
Well He's Not Wrong
"My brother told me Eeyore's name in Winnie the Pooh was Jackass."
"Then a few years later in grade 3 someone tried correcting me and I was like, 'Uh no, it's Jackass.' This went over well with my teacher at the time."
Classic Older Sibling Material
"my older sister told me that all kinds of ivy acted like poison ivy, this freaked me out because we have a lot of ivy near our yard, so until 3rd grade whenever I walked to school I would walk very carefully and slowly. I missed the bus so many times... ah, the good old days."
It Only Takes a Letter
"I believed a lot of things my older brother told me but I think the worst was that Venus was pronounced with a P instead of a V."
"I thought I was funny because it had the word 'pee' in it."
Candy From a Baby
"People sometimes put poison/razors in the Halloween candy."
"Don't give me that crap, Mom. I know you just wanna pick out all the Almond Joys."
Concocting New Science
"My stepbrother told me that a power plant was a cloud factory to make clouds artificially."
"I believed him because I had heard of the artificial snow machines that ski resorts have, and figured it wasn't unreasonable to believe there was a machine to make artificial clouds as well."
"I was 13 when I said 'the clouds factory is off, no wonder there's no clouds around.' In front of my dad and he laughed about it for like 30 minutes."
"I still get sh** for it today."
Reddit Users Share Their Best 'It's A Small World After All' Experience
Some lies came from more lighthearted agendas. Sure, some were more self-serving than others, but at least the stakes were rather low.
The Car That Ate Beans
"That the car farts. Whenever we were on road trips, our car would make this sound every now and again and my dad would say it's the car farting. That it just had to release them now and again like we do. This was hysterical to all of us and we would laugh and laugh."
"I was 14 and learning to drive when I found out it was....rumble strips. And my dad was just trying to brighten the atmosphere on long car trips."
Falling On That Sword
"My mom would be the official 'poison inspector' and eat a few fries from the bag to make sure it was safe to eat. Such a sacrifice." -- SweetHikari
"My dad did the same ! Everytime I asked him to bring me a bit of bread (that's what we were allowed to eat when we got hungry between meals) he would take a bite of it, say 'all good, not poisoned' and then give me the rest."
"I knew it was a joke, but he did that for years. Always made me laugh." -- Grog_Bear
"When I was little (4 or so) my mom would go upstairs to do the laundry or cleaning something and I would follow her. But when my baby sister was born my mom wanted me to stay downstairs and keep an eye on my sister. I didn't want to do this and she told my that my sister could be taken by a cat (I was afraid of cats) if I wasn't there to protect her."
"Now silly story right? I couldn't see how the cat entered the house so my mom made up that he could slide through the mailbox (which is a slit in the frontdoor) and I believed that sh** and saw it as my duty to protect my sister from the cats"
"When I was a kid my dad told me slurpees at 7-11 had been outlawed because people were suffering brain damage/memory loss from the brain freezes."
"I of course accepted it as fact cause he's my dad, meanwhile he just didn't want to stop at a 7-11 and get his hyperactive kid a big thing of frozen sugar water. Believed it for years too."
Driving Numbers Up
"When I was in elementary school, the orchestra teacher was trying to convince me to join up. He told me that, when I grew up, jobs would ask me what instrument I played and nobody would hire me if I didn't play one."
"So I joined the orchestra and learned to play the violin. So far, no job interview has asked me to play anything. Good thing, too. I was always horrible at it. If my employment as a web developer depended on how well I could play the violin, I'd be permanently unemployed."
And some lies seemed to hold almost no functional motivation whatsoever. These were bizarre absurdities seemingly told to sow confusion, add a little subtle chaos into the mix, and get a good laugh.
A Pharmaceutical Breakthrough
"Woke up on April 1st, walked into the living room where my dad handed me a 'smart pill' and said 'here you go, you'll never have to go to school or do homework again.' " -- stapeliagigantea
Depends Who You Ask
"My grandfather did not in fact detach my nose." -- greygreenblue
"Said no Voldemort ever" -- Marenyalia
Would Be a Massive Public Health Issue
"My dad convinced me that department store anti-theft pylons (near all the entrances and exits) would give me cancer if I stood in between them too long. I stood in between them for a while and then they started beeping."
"For sure thought I had cancer."
An Involved, Painful Explanation
"That this old man at my Cliftondale after school program died because he was eating Hot Cheetos while pooping at the same time and it burnt his butthole until he bled out. He would haunt kids in the stalls when they poop."
"All the kids called him Old Man Cliftondale(basic). Lol. That afterschool program was scary as hell though, I held my poop in all the time for that reason."
So next time you're sitting down with a younger kid--maybe a niece or nephew, maybe a child of your own--just be aware that those lighthearted fibs kick around in that kids brain for years and years.
Animated movies meant for children have been known to sneak in a few dirty jokes here and there. After all, the parents have to sit through the movies with the kids too.
These "Easter eggs" can be found in virtually every movie meant for kids. It may go over our heads when we watch at age 10, but years later when we re-watch to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, we realize just how raunchy the creators were.
It's not just old movies from the 90s or early 2000s, some movies as recent as Frozen 2 have some moments of adult centered levity.
Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."Giphy
Cars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paintlightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy
"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"Giphy
Coco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."Giphy
Children's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
It's well-known that the brain of a teenager is a half-formed thing. But that doesn't stop us from getting down ourselves for those old mistakes even years later, as full-blown adults.
Injuries, social falling outs, bad habits started and good habits stopped--all are ripe for putting a knot in our stomachs a decade or more later.
Truly, a big part of adulthood is learning to accept and live with yourself, warts and all.
And many of those warts are composed of mistakes that you can never undo.
Redditor zepher_goose asked:
"Which mistake did you make as a teenager that is still biting you in the a**?"
Many Redditors talked about the things they did that left them with a very direct, long-lasting physical difficulties. Often, the mistake was a single moment, but its consequences go on for years.
"Not wearing my seatbelt. At least my wheelchair is fast." -- CrippleOverlord
"So sorry buddy. I hate that you had to learn that lesson in that way. Best of luck to you." -- ai_test_run
Choose Your Object Wisely
"Punching a wall. Hit the stud. The fracture in my hand didn't properly heal as well as losing the use of two of my tendons which makes opening my hand a nuisance. As you could imagine it was my dominant hand. My life isn't hell from it but boy If I could go back in time to my teenage years, that's when I'd go."
"Please please please!!!! If you ever feel like you need to hit something for whatever reason please hit something soft and not living, like a pillow. Your delicate hands will thank you down the road."
Decades of Healing
"Sharing needles with other people (when I was 16)."
"Spent the next 40 years with Hepatitis C and did two unsuccessful Interferon treatments that lasted a total of 22 months. Fortunately, got cured in 2015 with a 90 day treatment of Harvoni, but still, I spent a lot of time effort during some very important years trying to get well."
That Faint Hissing
"Listened to music way too loud and now i have tinnitus forever. Still hate myself for that one..." -- elgherkin
"Tinnitus is one of those things that before you have it you're like, 'How bad can it be?' But once you have it...." -- Aradne
Others discussed the awful habits they started as teenagers without much forethought for how difficult it was going to be to stop later on.
How They Get Ya
"Nicotine. Smoked a pack a day for almost 15 years, started when I was 16-17 Finally quit 100% about a year ago when my wife and I found out we were expecting."
"I've been really good, and haven't had a single smoke, but I'm not gonna lie, at least once a day I think 'damn a cigarette would be good right now' "
What Is and What Could Have Been
"Gambling excessively, that sh** is dangerous man, just don't do it." -- Hazzmeister72
"Man, had I not been gambling (sports gambling mostly) since 2001 I'd have had a house since 2012 at the latest. Finally got the strength to quit Feb 2020, right before Covid. My bank account has never been so healthy. Fu** gambling" -- lawdhavmercee
Fleeting and Cheap
"Developing a drug habit. So much wasted time and money on short lived experiences." -- Glittering_Cup9438
"I feel you my friend....and a lot of memories you don't even remember." -- TouchDaPhishy
Finally, some zeroed in on the decisions they made, be it socially or professionally, that have had intangible impacts on their well-being and lifestyles.
Find Your Niche
"Not asking my parents for help with finding things I really enjoyed doing. I think maybe if I'd joined a chess club or something like that, I'd actually have had a lot more fun and made some friends."
"I was really lonely for a long time and it wasn't easy to make up for the lack of social development during those important years."
"I said a lot of stupid sh** with my actual name as the username on social media. Thankfully I have a common name but it will be in the back of my head for the rest of my life."
The Harder Way
"Dropping out of college to get married. Going back in my 30s with adult responsibilities and a full time job was the most chaotic time of my life." -- dogandbutterfly1978
"I'll be 31 with 2 kids (a 2 year old and a one year old) when I get be BS next May...I fu**in feel ya on that one." -- SCViper
This list illustrates the first step in getting over it: naming the monkey on your back. Then comes the harder part: letting it go.
As FDR once said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself". But I beg to differ--I have every right to be afraid of heights. I have every right to be too scared to go to the Empire State Building, and cry every time I play a VR game that involves being on the top of fake buildings. The fear is real, y'all.
As it turns out, there are a lot of universal fears out there. And the people of Reddit have a thing or two to say. Suck it, Roosevelt. WowADeadMidget asked:
What's your biggest fear?
I haven’t even started this article yet, and I’m already sweating. Let’s dive in.
That would keep me awake too.
“Drowning, getting stuck in some tight place and asphyxiating/dying of hunger in there, or getting steamed to death.
That's pretty much the shared 1st place."
“I'm 34 years old and was very close to drowning last year. Got dumped out of a canoe and was pinned against a tree in a current. I pulled myself out and it took about every bit of upper body strength I had, didn't even really realize the severity of it while it was happening because if my head had stayed under I was done for. A person of smaller stature would have been in very serious trouble in the same situation. I think about it a lot too, usually when I'm trying to go to sleep lol."
A valid fear.Snl GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
“I choked on a piece of steak home alone a few months ago and had to give myself the Heimlich maneuver. It took 3 tries. I'll never forget my dog staring at me and the thought of my girlfriend coming home to find me dead on the floor of our apartment.
Now I think about that every time I eat by myself. So choking to death alone is my greatest fear."
This is heartbreaking.
“Biggest fear is losing everything I have worked so hard for later in life. I watched my parents work hard do everything right build wealth and then almost towards their 50s my father got sick, lost his job. And now struggle to make ends they had to sell anything that had any value to them.
Now they just go through life with seemingly little enjoyment because they had everything set and in a blink of an eye it was gone and probably never come back.”
This is why you should check in with your friends.
“Being one of those people who dies alone in their home and doesn't get found for weeks or more because they have no one who cares enough to notice they're not around anymore.”
“There was an old man in our vicinity who died like this. Apparently he died on the toilet and been there for weeks in the summer heat with closed windows and doors so the smell was also not noticable to the neighbours. The firemen and policemen brought the body down from the flat in two bags apparently it was already falling into several pieces.
The smell was lingering in the apartment for a few days, one of my friends lives two floors down and he said it was unbearable.”
Let’s go deeper, shall we? Sorry in advance.
Good advice.Will Smith Memory GIF by STARZGiphy
“Memory loss!!! Literally, everything I know in my life is memories.”
“When I started to have memory problems, it super freaked me out. Now it's a little easier. I surround myself with trusted people and write everything down. Memory is important, but if you take care of yourself and find ways to keep them externally it can help a lot. Memory books, notes, friends.”
“Deep water or caves with no light that you have to crawl to get through. So a cave full of water would be the worst.
That or what happened to that guy who was repairing an industrial bread oven when it turned on and he couldn't switch it back off from the inside.”
I’m sorry, WHAT???
You're fine one moment, and then the next day you have a headache. Turns out you got infected on that camping trip six years ago and it's been hiding in you ever since.
Now that you have a headache, it's in your brain and you're already dead. There's next to nothing doctors can do except put you in a coma and say a prayer, but odds are nearly 100% that if you do survive that you're a vegetable or nearly one.
You experience incredible pain, irrational hydrophobia, manic behavioral changes, and a total loss of motor control near the end. It's got to be one of the most humiliating, dehumanizing and terrifying ways to go, and it can happen just like that.
Rabies is terrifying.”
If that last one didn’t shake you, these next few will. Read at your own risk.
All we can do is stay optimistic.heaven gate GIF by South Park Giphy
“Not being alive anymore - the finality.
I'm not afraid of dying - the act of it, anyway. I'm not afraid of what comes next - I've not bothered myself with that one.
What I'm afraid of is being… done. Here one day, then gone. Not able to do anything else.
I cannot out it into better words, that's how suffocating the anxiety of being gone is for me. Maybe it would be better if I were religious and believed in an after life, but the best I can do is convince myself that I believe your personal energy spreads to other beautiful things in life when you pass. But the mind, the mind just being… done. That is truly frightening to me.”
Don’t watch the latest Purge movie.
“Societal collapse. A climate or economic or disease-based destruction of society as we know it. Every part of normal life ceasing to exist, and every person having to fend for themselves. There's a documentary called 'Collapse' that scared the crap out of me."
"An even more frightening thought is that collapse is already happening, and we just don't have the perspective to recognize it. After the collapse of Rome, people living in Roman territories still considered themselves Romans for a long time, even though the Roman state was gone. Granted, things happen a lot more quickly in the modern world, and that in and of itself is concerning - the rate of change is ever-increasing. What happens to any system that encounters increasingly rapid changes? What happens to an airplane or a bridge or a human being whose rate of change keeps accelerating? They spin out of control until failure.
Climate change is a potentially civilization-ending event amongst several other candidates for bringing about our doom. Nobody has bothered to fix it yet, and even with more mundane problems, I feel that the government has already abandoned us. Just like some poor farmers five hundred miles away from the city of Rome, we cannot hope for the state to come and save us once things break down - they'll be too busy enjoying the last of their feasts, orgies, or taxpayer-funded drugs before the lights go out."
A parent’s worst nightmare.
“The thought of anything/anyone hurting or something seriously bad happening to my daughter.
I once heard someone say that having a child is like taking a piece of your heart and letting it walk around outside of your body.
That’s exactly what it feels like. I don't care for much things, but I would be nothing but an empty shell without her.”
Alright, now that you’ve read all of that, go drink some water and take a nap. It was a doozy.
Now I’m thinking about societal collapse. Great.
As much as there is an allure of living in small towns, there seems to be just as much mystery.
There is a sense of security in knowing that someone has your back.
But on the same token, as is typically depicted in movies, small towns have their fair share of nefarious activity that those in the know are sweeping under the rug to maintain their town's good name.
Curious to hear about bizarre cases that don't always make mainstream news headlines, Redditor descended_from_apes asked:
"Small Town Redditors, what's the weirdest unsolved crime in your town, old or new?"
Not all mysteries involve unsolved murders but are just as baffling
A Crime In The Turd-Degree
"Nowhere near the scale of disappearing children or Nazi collaborators, but my hometown's biggest mystery is who keeps sh**ting in the holes at the golf course."
"Person has been doing it for more than 20 years. Every 2-3 months, there's a hole that's been pooped in."
"I found out my grandma played cards with the mob in a liquor store basement. I was reading a news article on a cold case from the former owner disappearing for an English assignment and my grandma kinda just frowned, told me she used to play cards with him and never payed his debts."
Unsolved missing persons cases like the ones mentioned below can be agonizing for family members.
"Happened this year."
"A man rented a room at a guest house. When he left the host went to go clean/ prepare the room for the next occupant."
"The room was covered in blood. In the shower there was a chair with a pool of blood-it is assumed the person died in the chair."
"So the baffling part is that there is a camera trained in the room's door. The man entered and left alone without a speck of blood on him."
"The authorities assumed the blood belonged to a woman whose chopped-up body was found in a nearby damm. Blood tests came back and it doesn't."
"1973: My 4th grade buddy, Guy Heckle, disappeared during a boy scout camping trip. They found his coat, that was all. Not another clue after all these years."
The Bar Patron
"Man got kicked out of a bar 3 years ago this December and went missing. Nobody has come forward with tips at all. He went missing from a fairly busy part of town too."
And sometimes, when the bodies turn up, their identities can remain forever a mystery.
In Deep Trouble
"Where I grew up they found a dude who was buried under the cement in a building, no history or information about him. It's clear that he got into some deep trouble with someone."
Remains In A Lake
"About 15 years ago. A town near where I grew up drained a man made lake that was used for recreational swimming. This particular year they decided to drain the whole thing to do a clean up. They discovered an intact skeleton that had been sitting at the bottom of the lake for something like 50 years based on the class ring that was still on the skeleton. From my understanding this person had never been reported missing or anything."
Some of the saddest cases involve the death of a newborn with no known causes.
"About 30yrs ago a refuse worker found the badly burned body of an 18 month old boy amongst the bags and recycling. Forensics deduced that due to the condition of his liver he'd died less than a week before his body was found."
"Hospital and medical records were used to establish that nobody in the county was missing a child."
"He doesn't have a name on his gravestone."
"Edit: it was in Cumbria, England."
"The police likely didn't retain a DNA sample, or we might have heard something about familial DNA by now.The local police aren't very good - look up the case of Poppi Worthington as an example."
"Most local people assume he died of SIDS, then his parents panicked and tried to conceal his body. Whoever did it must have had an element of local knowledge in order to know where to put the corpse."
A Proper Burial
"There is a street in my city called Park Ave. It's a very small city, mostly blue collar."
"In 2005, a newborn baby boy was found dead near a factory on Park Ave. Doctors could tell he was born alive and likely lived for a few hours before he died. I don't know if he was abandoned (left to die) or killed in some way; that info was never released. Police made a statement saying please come forward, we want to help you bury this child properly."
"The mother sent an anonymous letter to the police station two weeks later, and said she would come to the station soon. The letter didn't explain the circumstances, but it did say she was afraid."
"She never came forward. The baby was named 'Baby Parker' and money was raised to give him a proper burial. People still leave gifts at his grave."
Thanks to horror movies, small towns get a bad rep.
Under the veneer of warm hospitality and kindness lies an unsettling sense of discomfort.
Are the denizens covering up a murder committed by one of their own? Or was there a grifter who dumped a body in their unassuming town and fled the scene?
In the game of life, no one gets out alive. But hopefully, your life's journey won't end in a small town.