Hey #NoSleep crew - this article is about to make you feel kind of personally attacked and/or so very seen. My mom used to tell me all the time that she couldn't sleep because bedtime was when her brain would spit out a million vivid scenarios of things going terribly wrong with her kids. Not all of us are Team No Sleep because of anxiety, though. Some of us get extra creative at bedtime, are plagued by vivid Thundercat related nightmares (that happens to people other than me, right?), or can't stop laughing at that Vine from a few years ago. Then there are the night-time cringers...
One reddit user asked:
What memory do you think about when you're trying to sleep and cringe at?
And these guys... these are a special sort of insomniac. The responses had me cracking up, cringing, and cackling. Here are some of the ones that hit me hardest. Some entries have been edited for content or clarity. Brace for all of this impending cringe, it's great!
My email signature used to be Jake: Coder, Gamer, Maker.
It physically hurts me to type this out.
I was in third grade and at a friends house. He didn't have toilet paper so I wiped my a** on a towel. His sister found out. I was grounded and the kid wasn't my friend anymore and told everyone at school.
When I was a kid I was hanging out with a girl who lived down the street with her family. It was time for them to eat dinner, and their mom was making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. 8 year old me thought it was weird that they didn't ask me to stay for dinner (and the mom even said something along the lines of:
"Well we're eating now, you better head home...."
So I invited myself for dinner and ate with them. I didn't realize until much later that these people were poor and the mac and cheese was all they had to feed their family, and idiot me invited myself to eat their food because my family was in a different financial situation and that never crossed my mind.
I had frosted tips dreadlocks and a goatee, a six-pack, proclaimed that my body was a temple and I was vegetarian in the douchiest way. I refer to it as my Parmesan Phase.
"By being vegetarian not only am I giving myself a gift by looking out for my body and it's well-being, I'm also giving a gift to MOTHER EARTH, and that's the most important thing" - Douche Me, 2006
I entered an elevator. "Third floor please" I said to the woman already in there. The elevator went down to the 1st floor. I walked out for some reason, and she just stood there...I can still feel her stare.
When I was maybe 10 years old, my older cousin came over to stay the night and play the Playstation with me. He clearly didn't want to but he was nice enough to humour me and accept the invitation.
Anyway, I thought he was asleep and for some reason I decided to try and work out which name would be best for a Lion cub if I was a Lion parent. I was a weird child. So I lay in my bed quietly saying multiple names in some sort of roaring/lion like voice. After maybe 5 minutes my cousin turns around and looks at me with the most confused look I've ever seen, doesn't say anything and turns back around.
The look on his face still makes me cringe.
Mid-Air Was Too LateGiphy
Once I visited my friend's house in middle school and her mom had broken both of her legs in an accident. I ran in and jumped over the couch landing directly on her mom's legs... Right after she had told me that her mom was on the couch and to be careful. I just didn't register the words until I was mid-air. Her mom cried from the pain.
I have a great one. Last year before my 20th birthday, my friends sister had told me that she liked me in a way beyond friends. That was great to hear because I had felt the same way. Anyway, I'm hanging out in my friends room with him and his sister and he leaves the room for like a solid 10 minutes. Her and I talk about how we should approach this and just the general idea of dating. She turns to me and we are face to face... instead of kissing her like I'm pretty sure she wanted, I put up my hand for a high five and we high five.... a minute or two go by and my friend comes back in.
She couldn't even look at me the rest of the night and yes, it's fair to say I have no clue what I'm doing or how to read situations. Even when a girl says "hey I want to date you and have sex with you" I screw it up. I will never let myself live this down
I apparently made it so awkward that the next day she took it all back and didn't want to date or anything of that sort. Just trust me when I say it was not good.
Flirting Over The PAGiphy
Roughly 15 years ago I worked at a large-scale grocery store. I was working a night shift, stocking and cleaning with ~30 other people throughout the store. I was around 16 years old, and sexually awkward. During this same time I was trying to swoon this one person.
The night was slow so I took the opportunity to call this person from the phone at work - not many people had cell phones in my area. So I'm talking to this person on the work phone, and we're flirting back and forth. During this conversation, and after I finish telling them "the things I'd like to do..." there's a long pause. They dont respond.
Me: "Hello? You still there?..."
So I hang up, assuming I dropped the call.
Seconds later, the store PA comes on... little did I know, I accidentally pressed one of the "Page" buttons on the phone. Around 45 seconds of my "flirting" gets announced to the whole store over the PA system. I wanted to die. I hid in one of the coolers for the rest of the night. Nobody mentioned anything to me, but I was a fairly new employee so my only saving grace was to assume they didn't recognize my voice as not many of them talked to me.
To this day I feel uneasy using any work phone. And it's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget.
"Apparently, We Were Done With The Chant..."Giphy
At my high school graduation ceremony, we did that typical high school chant where that one loud guy would scream "X WHAT?!" and everyone else would respond with "X High!". Apparently, we were done with with the chant...except for me where I exclaimed at the top of my lungs "X HIGH!"
And yes, everyone heard it. And yes, they knew it was from me.