Hey #NoSleep crew - this article is about to make you feel kind of personally attacked and/or so very seen. My mom used to tell me all the time that she couldn't sleep because bedtime was when her brain would spit out a million vivid scenarios of things going terribly wrong with her kids. Not all of us are Team No Sleep because of anxiety, though. Some of us get extra creative at bedtime, are plagued by vivid Thundercat related nightmares (that happens to people other than me, right?), or can't stop laughing at that Vine from a few years ago. Then there are the night-time cringers...
One reddit user asked:
What memory do you think about when you're trying to sleep and cringe at?
And these guys... these are a special sort of insomniac. The responses had me cracking up, cringing, and cackling. Here are some of the ones that hit me hardest. Some entries have been edited for content or clarity. Brace for all of this impending cringe, it's great!
Regrettable Signatures
My email signature used to be Jake: Coder, Gamer, Maker.
It physically hurts me to type this out.
The Towel
I was in third grade and at a friends house. He didn't have toilet paper so I wiped my a** on a towel. His sister found out. I was grounded and the kid wasn't my friend anymore and told everyone at school.
- Arterron
Macaroni Privilege
When I was a kid I was hanging out with a girl who lived down the street with her family. It was time for them to eat dinner, and their mom was making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. 8 year old me thought it was weird that they didn't ask me to stay for dinner (and the mom even said something along the lines of:
"Well we're eating now, you better head home...."
So I invited myself for dinner and ate with them. I didn't realize until much later that these people were poor and the mac and cheese was all they had to feed their family, and idiot me invited myself to eat their food because my family was in a different financial situation and that never crossed my mind.
Parmesan Phase
I had frosted tips dreadlocks and a goatee, a six-pack, proclaimed that my body was a temple and I was vegetarian in the douchiest way. I refer to it as my Parmesan Phase.
"By being vegetarian not only am I giving myself a gift by looking out for my body and it's well-being, I'm also giving a gift to MOTHER EARTH, and that's the most important thing" - Douche Me, 2006
Third Floor
I entered an elevator. "Third floor please" I said to the woman already in there. The elevator went down to the 1st floor. I walked out for some reason, and she just stood there...I can still feel her stare.
Lion Voice
When I was maybe 10 years old, my older cousin came over to stay the night and play the Playstation with me. He clearly didn't want to but he was nice enough to humour me and accept the invitation.
Anyway, I thought he was asleep and for some reason I decided to try and work out which name would be best for a Lion cub if I was a Lion parent. I was a weird child. So I lay in my bed quietly saying multiple names in some sort of roaring/lion like voice. After maybe 5 minutes my cousin turns around and looks at me with the most confused look I've ever seen, doesn't say anything and turns back around.
The look on his face still makes me cringe.
Mid-Air Was Too Late
Once I visited my friend's house in middle school and her mom had broken both of her legs in an accident. I ran in and jumped over the couch landing directly on her mom's legs... Right after she had told me that her mom was on the couch and to be careful. I just didn't register the words until I was mid-air. Her mom cried from the pain.
High Five
I have a great one. Last year before my 20th birthday, my friends sister had told me that she liked me in a way beyond friends. That was great to hear because I had felt the same way. Anyway, I'm hanging out in my friends room with him and his sister and he leaves the room for like a solid 10 minutes. Her and I talk about how we should approach this and just the general idea of dating. She turns to me and we are face to face... instead of kissing her like I'm pretty sure she wanted, I put up my hand for a high five and we high five.... a minute or two go by and my friend comes back in.
She couldn't even look at me the rest of the night and yes, it's fair to say I have no clue what I'm doing or how to read situations. Even when a girl says "hey I want to date you and have sex with you" I screw it up. I will never let myself live this down
I apparently made it so awkward that the next day she took it all back and didn't want to date or anything of that sort. Just trust me when I say it was not good.
Flirting Over The PA
Roughly 15 years ago I worked at a large-scale grocery store. I was working a night shift, stocking and cleaning with ~30 other people throughout the store. I was around 16 years old, and sexually awkward. During this same time I was trying to swoon this one person.
The night was slow so I took the opportunity to call this person from the phone at work - not many people had cell phones in my area. So I'm talking to this person on the work phone, and we're flirting back and forth. During this conversation, and after I finish telling them "the things I'd like to do..." there's a long pause. They dont respond.
Me: "Hello? You still there?..."
Still nothing.
Me: "Hellloooo?!"
Silence.
So I hang up, assuming I dropped the call.
Seconds later, the store PA comes on... little did I know, I accidentally pressed one of the "Page" buttons on the phone. Around 45 seconds of my "flirting" gets announced to the whole store over the PA system. I wanted to die. I hid in one of the coolers for the rest of the night. Nobody mentioned anything to me, but I was a fairly new employee so my only saving grace was to assume they didn't recognize my voice as not many of them talked to me.
To this day I feel uneasy using any work phone. And it's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget.
"Apparently, We Were Done With The Chant..."
At my high school graduation ceremony, we did that typical high school chant where that one loud guy would scream "X WHAT?!" and everyone else would respond with "X High!". Apparently, we were done with with the chant...except for me where I exclaimed at the top of my lungs "X HIGH!"
And yes, everyone heard it. And yes, they knew it was from me.
H/T: Reddit
Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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