Police Officers Reveal Everything About All Hands On Deck Crime Scenes
The brothers in blue have a tough job and there are incidents that sometimes require a swarm of cops. From violent crimes to air disasters, these stories are ingrained in officers' memories.
S-IVB_Upper_Stage asked, Police officers of Reddit, have you ever had an "all units" call, and if so, what happened?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Darn them pesky rodents...
Twenty-five years ago, smallish rural town, my dad is a beat cop on patrol. My cat brings in a live mouse and is playing with it in the kitchen and my mom is deathly afraid of rodents. So she calls dispatch and tells them my dad needs to come home. Dispatch gets on the line and tells my dad to switch to a secured line, there's an emergency at home. My dad's driving home to take care of the issue when all of the cops (probably like 4) of my small town on patrol come with sirens and lights blazing on my house because all they heard was there was an emergency at my dad's house. My mother was mortified.
When you're not keen on highway abbreviations...
Years ago, Friend of mine was a dispatcher for the County- he covered sheriff, EMS and fire communications, and also worked with communicating with other agencies as well.
From the state troopers, he got some sort of text communication( not a phone text this was before that was a thing) and it referred to an accident with injuries at the intersection of I-40 and Business 85.
Something along the lines of "COLLISION I-40 BUS 85 INJURIES INVOLVED"
The way it was abbreviated and written made him misread it - instead of an accident at 85 Business, he thought there was a Buss Collision on I-40, with 85 people injured.
He dispatched every damn fire truck and ambulance the county had, they show up and it's a 2 car wreck with minor injuries.
Edit: wasn't actually I-40, but I can't remember which highway it was - somewhere in Davidson. I know the Bus 85 part is right though.
I hope I get to use the line "send everything with lights" someday...
When my buddy was still new, he worked in a larger city. They had just gotten the "shoulder mics". You know, the ones every cop has now mounted up by their mouth so they can call in easier? When new to them, they wore the cord in FRONT of their shirts, always "in the damn way". And great handles when people wanted to wrestle. Jimmy was called one night to a bar brawl. He strolled into the bedlam almost over. He was a rookie, always getting the sh_t detail, so he was becoming famous among his department for ruining his uniforms. To the point he was having to come out of pocket to replace them. He walked into a vet telling him to "cuff everyone still here", they'll sort them out later.
Jimmy grabs the closest guy, they struggle a little and go down to the ground. As they do, rrrriiiippp, Jimmy splits his pants "clean up the backside". Knowing he's going to be the butt of jokes anyway, he turns his head to announce to the other officers, "Well, that's another uniform down!" And keys his mic. Base hears "uniform down". So does everyone else in the county.
The radio EXPLODES with chatter, but the three cops at the bar already have their hands full....so they turn down their radios. (FU #2)
Base decided to "roll everything with lights" to the scene. Jimmy said they were glad of the help when the first few cars rolled up...but they just....kept...coming....
He was known as "Jack the Radio Ripper" till he transferred.
Minor reprimand and he still had to pay for the pants.
An hour-long fight? I want tickets.
Former cop here. The all units call was basically a riot at a large nightclub in a very rough area of the neighboring city. Once things were finally calmed down and the dozen or so people were taken away and my boss wanted us all back in our city I was amazed at not only how many cops showed up but from where....counties and towns I had never heard of before. I looked up a few at the end of shift and some came from an hour plus away.
Doesn't new equipment come with instructions?
So, I interned at the local PD at a time when all stations received new radio devices. The new devices looked a bit like old cell phones and had a bright orange "panic button" on top. It was meant for situations where e.g. a single police officer was attacked and needed help. Pushing that button resulted in all communication on the standard "channel 1" being turned to one-way communication only (so all units would listen to what's going on wherever the panic button was pressed) and an automatic "all (free) units call". All other units had to switch to (the much weaker) "Channel 2" to communicate -- but Channel 2 only allowed 1 device to speak. (So either dispatch OR car 1 OR car 2 etc. could talk, but not multiple people at the same time like on channel 1.)
To disable the panic mode, you had to push the bright orange button in a certain way (think of holding it for 3 seconds followed by 4 quick pushes). It could not be done remotely.
This happened in a rather large city where some police stations are closed at night (usually the ones in the suburbs where few calls come in). That night, an older PO closed down the remotest station in the suburbs and decided to shut off the radio devices. You guessed it, he pushed the panic button on top because he thought that's where the devices were to be turned on and off, without realizing what he did. He locked the station and went home. Since it was the first day of using the new radio devices, quite a few officers were unsure how to turn to channel 2. Basically, all communication was blocked. Cue panic everywhere with frantic cell phone calls to dispatch, and dispatch trying to figure out who closed that station (and thus had one of the only keys to open it), so the panic mode could be disabled. This unintentional "all units call" turned into an actual "no units (can) call", though quite a few units were busy trying to resolve the situation.
This is at least 3 stars in GTA, easily.
Police Dispatcher here,
Usually, these happen whenever an Officer screams for help or when there are calls for a shooting in progress or something else high priority that requires a perimeter set-up.
It's tempting to push those buttons.
Our local school has a spring festival that's a big fundraiser for us. The local police have been extremely supportive, and always send out a VW bug painted in police colors. The officer they send is great with kids and an excellent ambassador for the force. So, bright sunny spring day, kids milling around, carnival atmosphere. I'm walking with my friends, one eye on my kids. My friends have their non-verbal autistic son close by since it's a lot of stimuli. He loves the police car. Sirens, lights... it's awesome. Officer McFriendly crouches down to eye level as the boy is sitting in the car. The boy turns to him and offers a 'high-five'... landing his hand on the officer's radio. More precisely, on the 'officer down' panic button. Like the doleful eye of Sauron, every cop in range turns to converge on the schoolyard. The officer realizes what's happening and manages to wave off the imminent hot takedown of a pre-schooler... but I must say there was genuine fear in his eyes.
A bomb threat was called in to distract from a bank robbery.
Former Royal Canadian Mounted Police here in a small tourist town. Was working on a regular, mid-week day shift when we received a dispatched call for a bomb threat, in the industrial/commercial sector of the town. We all went there, called in the bomb squad, the dogs, got people out of the area, and so on. We were doing roadside when we got another call that the local bank's silent alarm was turned on.
Now, we are in Canada, in a tourist town, things are usually relatively calm. But this. This was absolutely chaotic. We got the All unit call, they call our neighboring detachment to help, we all split and head to the bank. We arrive (around 20 some patrol cars all around) there to see all bank employees bounded and gagged, smoke everywhere from smoke bombs.
We realize very quickly that the bomb threat was the diversion, we immediately got a BOLO out to get the 3 males, identified by the Bank staff, including a former bank employee. We get the BOLO out to CPIC, got words to airports and border crossings. We managed to catch 2/3 of the guys, the last one flew back to his home country (was in Canada on a student visa). We remained on high alert for days after this, looking for the third guy.
Canadian authorities worked with their colleagues from the other guy's country to get him extradited almost a year later. In the end, as I recall, about $130,000 were missing and never recovered.
For most of us, it was the first time we had a bomb threat and/or a robbery. First time we were guarding an area, expecting to be shot at from an unknown location. (The robbers were reported to have AK47-type looking weapons).
Edit 1: BOLO - Be On the LookOut for / CPIC - Canadian Police Information Centre Edit 2: Changed deported by extradited. N.B. I won't name the town or the country involved.
Imagine having to tell a colleague they aren't dying...
Prior to changing careers, I was a deputy sheriff working for a relatively large county in the Midwest. Each deputy had their own "zone" within the county they had to cover. One Saturday morning after working the night shift, I overheard over the radio that a unit was performing a routine stop. He was calling in the info when over the radio frequency, static and loud blasts were heard, followed by "Officer hit! Officer hit! Shots Fired, Officer Down!" I'll never forget that day. Like I had tunnel vision, I high-tailed it about 30 miles over and I was about 3 minutes away (initially 20) before being able to report back to dispatch to inform them I was en-route. In total 3 jurisdictions, 40 total units responded. Arrived on scene, 4th or 5th unit there in a standoff with a person in a vehicle who we later determined to have committed suicide. The officer was shot several times but survived. He was about 4 months away from retiring. I remember performing basic life support on him, cutting open his shirt and applying pressure. He looked at me, tearing up, "hey, tell my wife and kids they're always number one in my heart and thank you for the best years of my life." I said, "you're not dying." I changed careers shortly after and now I'm a medical student. My revelation.
Edit: Wow, thank you so much for the encouragement and the response! I appreciate the gold! :) I rarely tell this story since it always makes me emotional, but I will utter the same sentiment many officers would say, I was just doing my job! As corny as it sounds, I have a tattoo commemorating this event in my life. It's the Sigil of the Archangel Raphael (the archangel of healing)
Where are you that you need all hands on deck once a month?!
Usually about once a month or so. We're taught that if you need backup if sh_t's hitting the fan, call it in and worry about how many people come later.
A unit was on patrol 2 weeks ago and some guy just started shooting at him. All the unit got out was "34th st, 10-33 I'm taking fire" (10-33 is the code for sending the cavalry/Officer in need of assistance). It all ended fine, we caught the guy, no injuries, but you better believe every officer in our area dropped what they were doing and went.
Another recent one a mini-riot broke out at a candle vigil for a murder victim. An officer stepped in alone (bad move) to stop the fight, and started getting his ass handed to him. All he said was "Patomic, 10-33" but it worked. We came in, dispersed the crowd, and got out.
Edit: good chance to rant about a pet peeve of mine. When 1033 goes out, there are always a few units who block the air with useless chatter. "hold me responding" "what's their location" "dispatcher I'll come back to my current assignment later" "do they need a rifle on the scene ". It drives me CRAZY. Get off the radio and leave the air clear for the unit fighting for their lives. And every unit not on something absolutely necessary is required to respond, why would you waste time to say you're going.
Not jumping in front of a moving vehicle is a good policy.
I got run over by someone fleeing the scene of an incident that they weren't involved in. He just got scared and apparently had a gun on him. I was out of my car talking to the person who called and my partner was trying to stop the person who was really called on, so he didn't even see me get hit. No one knew I got hit or where I was because my radio went flying. Luckily there was a lot of witnesses who called 911 and found my radio. I confused the dispatcher because I was in so much shock that I came over radio taking like I normally do, but I was bleeding badly from my head and broke my leg. I didn't feel the pain for about two hours.
So I had that call come out because of me. I'm also pretty sure a policy got made because of me too.
"I'll never do that again."
I remember listening to an episode of This American Life where an officer accidentally locked himself in the back of his car when he went to take a nap. He left his radio in the front, so he called dispatch and was like, "Don't make this a big thing, just send one unit to me." And then dispatch proceeded to call out the code for "Officer Down." So then he heard a bunch of cars put on their sirens and race to him.
"Crimes of passion" are still crimes, yo.
Not a police officer, but I shadowed one a few years back. They had an "all units" call that day at around noon to some house out in the woods that was partly in their bounds but some of the driveway was not (as part of another county's bounds). The entire police force which totaled out to be around 12 police cars, 2 officers each (minus our car which was the officer + me but I'm not an officer) arrived at this place and this house looked like a bit of a trainwreck. Somebody nearby had reported hearing gunshots and screaming (there were a few houses near this one, but not really too far apart).
I couldn't go in, but everybody else did. According to the officer I was shadowing, they found a guy sitting and staring at a blank TV screen quietly humming to himself with a shotgun in his lap. Several officers stayed with the guy (who was totally out of it) and others, including the one I shadowed, went upstairs. They found a dead woman and man laying in bed together, and in another room a young child which had been strangled to death.
Apparently, the man downstairs came home to his wife in bed with another man, and he grabbed his gun and just straight up shot them, but that guy wasn't the one who killed the kid. The wife did, according to a journal that admitted to her adultery for many years and the "intolerable screaming" coming from the child.
Don't know what the guy got charged with/how long he went to prison for, but man the whole thing was just so f_cked up.
Every. Damn. Weekend. In. College.
I work as a police communicator at a local university, usually, an 'all units' call is a fire alarm at one of the buildings. However, most of the time it's a false alarm and someone just burnt the popcorn in the lounge.
My cop uncle once smashed his thumb to get out of work.
We had an all units call to one of our own stabbed. Everyone went hell for leather to get there, to find one of our guys on the floor with a stab wound to the stomach. We searched everywhere for the suspects and anyone matching descriptions was arrested. So turns out the officer did it to himself. He'd heard you couldn't be fired from work if you were injured in the line of duty (he was under investigation for a minor issue, not anything involving the public. Just breach of procedure) I don't think I've ever been so disgusted with a colleague in my life. All the other "all units" calls I've been to have been genuine and luckily my colleagues unhurt.
I almost called one myself when someone pulled out a sawn-off shotgun at me. Luckily that panned out OK!???????
Hearing shots over the radio would freak me out...
We have calls almost daily that kind of meet this requirement. We have patrol sectors, each with a 2 man cruiser and a 1 man cruiser. The 2 man cars handle the high priority calls and the 1 man cars handle the more mundane stuff. So when a call comes in like shots fired both sector cars go and usually other sector cars start radioing in that they are also responding. I do remember 1 night at midnight, which is shift change, we had a 2 man unit that shot a guy who pulled out a gun on them. You could hear gunshots over the radio and the car calling for help. The dispatcher kinda stumbled a bit, then said: "everybody go, everybody go."
Ride along goals?
I was doing a ride along in college in a fairly small city in GA when we got an "all available units" call. The address came in, the lights and siren went on and we were hauling at about 120 (mph) across town.
I had no idea where we were headed until we got there. The only thing the officer said to me was, "no matter what happens, stay in the car. If you see anyone with a gun call it out on the radio like this (showed me). If any of us get shot, call it in and stay in the car."
Then, he took a deep breath, calmly got out of the car, and took off at a sprint towards a forty person melee in front of the only strip club in town.
We were the first car there. Over the course of the next 30 seconds, officers arrived and kept coming until they outnumbered the people fighting. The officer I was riding with was completely on his own for a 10 second eternity and was able to rip about 10 people apart from fighting before backup arrived. It was the single bravest and most humbling thing I've ever seen with my own eyes.
When it was all over, he got back in the car with 3 drunk and beaten up dudes in the back, turned to me and said, "So when you gonna sign up?"
I've got a couple more stories from that summer doing ride alongs if anyone wants to hear.
Military PTSD is sadly real.
You might like this tale from a military base that will remain unnamed! While doing a shift change inventory of the armory, one of our security forces guys noted that a weapon was missing and signed out to none other than the security forces commander himself. They send a unit to his home in base housing to retrieve the weapon and address the situation. When they enter the commanders home they find that he's threatening his family and himself with the sidearm. The junior of the pair read the situation as the commander is trying to get attention to address his poor mental state and has no lethal intent. He decides to fire a round into the commander's leg and then disarms him. This kid ends up getting step promoted to E5 but also received a Letter of Admonishment for firing his weapon without lethal intent.
This doesn't seem like something you recover from.
Happened to my dad when he was stationed overseas, there was an airshow disaster in Germany and he was already there so he was one of the first to respond. He struggles with it still. fireworks and barbeques remind him of the smell of burning flesh that day.
People who talk smack about others are often viewed as rude individuals.
But sometimes, they are taking the hit for not exercising tact. The truth is, they might be verbalizing about a situation we have secretly thought about but keep to themselves.
When it comes to reserving judgment about people and their situations, many of us can relate to this. It is what separates us from those who aren't able to keep their observations to themselves.
"What's something you secretly judge people about?"
People seeking validation in excess on the internet are met with criticism.
Social Media Portrayal
"What part of their life are they posting on social media."
"My husband has a friend who has a psycho girlfriend that posts really personal sh*t online. Like, she sent her boyfriend some racy photos and he didn't 'react like he should have' so she shared them online with a comment about how she thought the photos were sexy and he must not find her attractive anymore. I was embarrassed for her. She also likes to make up stories about him hitting her then update a few hours later that she's sorry and she lied and he didn't hit her. And these people are in their 30s with children and still acting like that."
"What they say about their kids in social media. I get that being a parent is hard and it's okay to talk/vent/be real about that online, but sometimes people cross the line and talk about their kids as if they're not real people, just because they're not grown and don't have a Facebook account. People should imagine what their kids would think of they were all grown up and reading your internet history. If you think they would be hurt by what you said, don't post it."
Headphones are there for a reason. But these offenders are not considerate enough to use them.
"People who use speaker phone for music or conversations in public places. I hate it."
"My roommate uses speaker at all times. We'll be watching TV and he will literally answer the phone and talk on speaker. One time had the audacity to say me and this other guy wouldn't stop talking and he couldn't hear his gf. Same with music too, he'll play some some music in the middle of whatever I'm watching. Annoying as all f'k."
"My old roommate would use speaker to talk to her family at college so I joined the conversation the entire time, she constantly told me to 'shut the f'k up' in front of her mom, so I said 'then dont use speaker dumba**.'"
Views from entitled people might say the following:
"How they treat janitors/custodial staff and whether people leave more of a mess than they should because 'it's their job to clean up after me.'"
"How snobbish another person reacts to someone else's situation. I. E. When someone finds out information about another persons wage, job, family situation, living situation, etc etc etc, and making a comment on it."
Do you ever feel like your ears are burning? Yeah, it's probably because of people like these:
"People that gossip to me about other people. I always wonder what they say about me behind my back."
"One of my favorite office tricks is to gossip relentlessly, but to keep it at least 90% positive. People can and do find out that I've been going around, behind their backs, and spreading rumors about how great they are."
"Obviously it creates a nice work environment, but by being willing to gossip, people are more willing to tell me things that aren't necessarily public yet."
What annoys me about the things people do have more to do with my growing impatience after having lived in New York City for over a decade.
Customers in fast food joints not knowing what to order after being in line for a sufficient amount of time grates me.
The increasing convenience of mobile ordering has been the best thing to come out of the pandemic that has kept me from losing my marbles.
Wherever we go, there are social norms and expectations being jammed down our throats.
The people around us, all exposed to similar media messages and massive, powerful institutions, internalize these norms and police each other without even realizing it.
These constructs are so plentiful and subtle that they can be hard to even notice.
But once in awhile we take a step back. We zoom out. Then we see just how arbitrary and one-dimensional so many of those norms are.
Those epiphanies can be disorienting, but so empowering, too. A recent thread on Reddit asked people to share their biggest gripes about all the things forced on us.
Redditor Snoo79382 asked:
"What should society stop forcing on us?"
The internet, as it has many facets of modern life, has accelerated the rate at which things are jammed down our throats. Not a day goes by that we're not on the hook for one thing or another.
"Subscription based services. Everybody out here wants your money now on a monthly schedule."
"The need to create an account for EVERY website or software. Wtf, I just want to install my graphics drivers! There's no reason for you to know who I am, you already have many thousands of my monies."
Others discussed work and work culture. It's such a large portion of our lives, and, according to these folks, the whole thing can be handled better.
Resist the Urge to Monetize
"The idea of hobbies becoming 'side hustles.' Why can't a hobby just be a hobby" -- Electrical-Mammoth44
"Like my father always said: Don't turn your hobby into your work, because you'll have to find a new hobby." -- JustAGuy401
"Having to constantly be busy and only have 2 days to recover from it." -- Octo-Fishy
"I find the whole 5 days a week on, 2 off thing pretty infuriating. I work a 9-5 and would easily be done everything in way less time but I am required to drag it out for no reason." -- condor1111800
Passing the Buck
"Donating your vacation time to coworkers because the company you work for is shi**y. There was a natural disaster and one of the stores in the chain I worked for got flooded."
"Instead of just giving people time off because they literally couldn't work they asked everyone to give up the few paid days off we got a year. Most of us got less than a week off a year."
And others talked about the social expectations pushed on us by our friends, family members, acquaintances, and everything in between.
Aren't There Plenty Already?
"Well no one is forcing anyone, but everyone assumes you want from have kids. And if you don't everyone has a lot of questions and they start judging and trying to change your mind."
Take Your Time
"The idea that people should have their sh*t together and their life planned out at the age of 20. I'm 19 and still wanna play my pokemon games and the future scares me :')"
"The belief that you HAVE to date, have sex, and get married. Some of us don't want to do any of that and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm sick of the social pressure to date."
Racing Against Fantasy
"There should be laws about how heavily photoshopped pictures are meant to be to sell anything beauty related."
"Being constantly surrounded by images of perfection is seriously damaging to people's mental health, and the implication that a product will make you look Like This is simply false advertising when the model doesn't actually look Like This and has been heavily airbrushed at the very least."
And so, taking a cue from these Redditors, it's a good time to remember that we don't have to cave to any of this stuff if we don't want to.
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It's always fun to be a little naughty, isn't it? We all have that urge to pickpocket a little something now and again. (Not that we should, that would be wrong, unless it's from Walmart; I jest.)
But we all love to dabble in the devious, the feeling can break up the monotony of the day.
That's why it's always fun to sometimes participate in an action or be aware of a knowledge that feels like it should get us arrested.
It maybe naughty but it ain't illegal.
Redditor u/poisionivey3 wanted to see who was willing to spill some secret tea by asking:
What's a piece of information you know that feels illegal to know?
Eating grapes for testing at the grocery store. Everyone does it. Is it technically illegal? Does that count? I mean as long as I don't treat it like Golden Coral, I should fine, yet it feels so mischievous.
Pick-Up Artistcarmen ejogo starz GIF by The Girlfriend ExperienceGiphy
"I'm trying to lockpick. I'm terrified how easy was pick my bicycle lock. My first attempt and it took 5 minutes."
"We can all easily find out what people paid for their house. Seems kind of personal, but it's very public. Same with divorce records."
"People being able to look up that crap is obnoxious as a semi-new homeowner. Spammers scour that crap, so the first 6 months 90% of your mail is trying to sell you mortgage insurance (the home equivalent of the car "extended waranTEE" scam calls), and a fair number of the telemarketer calls I get are people trying to purchase my house (I haven't listened to any of those long enough to know what the angle is there)."
"Elvis Presley's autopsy will be released in 2027."
In the Air
"According to what a flight attendant told me, the TVs on airplanes that charge you to watch aren't connected to the wifi when they're at the gate, so you can scan any card that resembles a debit card. They just store the info to be charged later, so if you give them a bogus card, you might still be able to get free tv."
the megDog Reaction GIFGiphy
"Nutmeg, when eaten in large quantities, is a psychedelic drug that can cause hallucinations, coma, or even death."
Nutmeg for the high? Now I wish I had known that sooner! Also, I never thought about lockpicking being shady. So many useful tips here. Let's see who else is a bandit in the making.
Vanced...youtube oh no you didnt GIFGiphy
"Youtube Vanced is a free app that's basically Youtube premium without spending money."
"Really (before 1997/98 or so) old microsoft product keys relied on a REALLY simple validity check. They were numbers in the form XXXX-YYYYYYY. The first 4 digits were specific to the software (I think Office 97 was 0402?) and fixed. The last 7 .. the check was just that the sum of all digits has to be able to be divided by 7 without rest. So 1111111 worked all the time. 1234567 worked all the time, 7777777 did."
10 Items or Less
"If your local Walmart is closed overnight but there are employees working there, the doors probably aren't locked and the self check registers are on. There's actually nothing keeping you from going in there, picking up a few items, using self checkout and walking out. I work at Walmart overnight and this guy did that a couple nights ago. He didn't speak English and when a manager noticed him they actually just escorted him to grab his items, check out and go."
Show me thew $$$
"How much my coworkers make."
"How a lot of places just let you and a friend in if you wear a construction vest and helmet and carry a ladder."
"Back in the day, we used to go to this very popular night club, where people started lining up at 6pm. Met a guy inside partying one night wearing an orange construction vest. He said he bypassed the entire line and they let him right in the door, because he was wearing that vest and carrying a clipboard. He told the bouncers he was the Fire Marshal."
On the Tarmacsi2 GIF by Solar ImpulseGiphy
"If you want to disrupt an airport it is usually super easy to drive, walk, boat etc onto the tarmac directly and security will rarely notice you before you're already causing problems. Used to write marketing copy for security companies. 90% of our airport copy was "hey wanna have some security on the back end? no? maybe?"
Ok, I'm totally trying that air traffic, runway thing. Though this really makes me feel even more anxious about our airport security. Like... how is that possible? I'm gonna need more Xanax for my next flight.
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We've all said something stupid, let's not lie to ourselves.
It's okay to say something stupid. It showcases the real person on the inside, that we're all flawed, imperfect, and made of cooky combinations of words that don't necessarily line up to make sense. Sometimes we're nervous in a situation, other times we're just hitting 'Quick Reply' in our brains and what comes out doens't work, but whatever the reason, you for sure are going to remember it, late at night, for the rest of your life.
What is the stupidest thing that ever came out of your mouth?
You may not have to change your home address because of these moments, but you should probably reconsider how many public outings you go to afterwards.
Should Probably Never Shop At That Store Again
"When the cashier said "Have a nice day", and I replied with "No, thanks".
"Background: I wasnt thinking straight that day, and thought they said "Do you want a bag"
That's. How. Twins. Work?
"Her: the twins are 3 years old"
"Me: Both of them?"
"Oh no this unearthed a memory i had buried from kindergarten lmao"
"We had a set of twins in our classroom and once on their birthday party I said "your brother got such a cool party, i hope yours is nice like this too" to one of them and he was like "yeah, this one"
"4 year old me was not a very bright kid"
That's. How. Death. Works...
"Watching the documentary 'The Last Dance' when a Kobe interview pops up -"
"Me: "Wow, they must have filmed this before Kobe died."
"My wife: "Yeah, obviously…."
The cringe comes out of nowhere, and you're not even sure how you were able to ask something so incredibly stupid, but here you are. Lounging in the stupid air.
You Should Have Asked What "Nothing" Tastes Like Next
"In my head I was wondering what one pound of water would look like in terms of volume. What I said out loud however was "How much does a pound of water weigh?"
Keep Up With Me
"A couple of months ago, I got up and drove to work as usual. Later, my girlfriend texted me from home to ask me if she had left her sunglasses in my car. I told her I wasn't sure, but she could grab my spare key and go check."
"In my car."
"Which I had driven to work."
Black Is White, White Is Black
"I don't understand why people place bets on who wins, why not just place bets on who loses?"
"Yeah took me a minute to register what I said..."
And then there's these stories, where the person is probably better off cutting off any human contact henceforth going forward. These are rough to get through, folks.
Should Probably Have A Chat With HR After This
"I was about 4 months into my current job, feeling confident being fresh off the contract-to-hire period, now moved into a coveted full time role. While walking back to my office from the morning kanban I was stopped by my boss, head peeking out of the office:"
"Boss: "Hey TheMediator, do you have a sec?"
"Me: "For you, I've got lots of secs!"
"Boss: wide-eyes, mouth dropped"
"If you're curious why this was incredibly stupid/embarrassing, try saying the phrase "lots of secs" out loud. Preferably, not to your boss though."
You Don't Need College Anymore. Go Home. Bury Your Head In The Sand.
"In my freshman year of college I was dorming next door to a couple cute girls. About a week into the first semester one girl walked from the coed showers to her dorm room in her towel still wet. We were both unlocking our doors to get in our rooms when she looks at me and says…"
"I know I look stunning…(sarcastically)"
"To which I replied, "don't flatter yourself."
"I had to slid a note under her door explaining I was tongue tied as she was beautiful and I meant to say "don't be hard on yourself, you look great." (Or something to that nature). We became good friends."
It's In The Descriptor?
"Chatting to a homeless guy on the street and he told me he was feeling unwell. I told him he should be at home, resting."
"It's been 20 years and the memory of it still brings me out in a cold sweat."
Oh Good Lord...
"Asked my friend how his mom was doing at his moms funeral."
"Jesus Christ this is the worst one on this thread. What was his response?"
"He looked at me and then the casket and kind of smirked. I awkwardly started to try and explain and just said "I'm an idiot. You know I love you. Talk to you in a bit." He makes fun of me now and I can't stop laughing. It's a positive painful memory."
Own up to your mistakes. You'll garner more respect by acknowledging the awkward things you say, however, it's perfectly fine to laugh about it in the moment. That's probably the easiest way to escape the deep, deep shame.
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