Secrets - everyone has them, not everyone has secrets worth actually legally protecting.
Essentially, that's what an NDA is - an agreement not to disclose secrets. It's the grown-up no snitching pinkie swear. Except with an expiration date - and that's where things get interesting.
One Reddit user asked:
So like, all I'm saying is that I worked as a security officer in a wealthy community and we all knew about the "authorized vehicles" that you were supposed to just wave and open the gate for, no questions asked, no need to see the driver or passengers, no checking any vehicles they bring along with them.
I worked security for a gated neighborhood of extremely wealthy people. Like, fortune 500 CEO, Senator(s) (sometimes both), etc.
We got to know which cars were "authorized" without being authorized. Because we weren't allowed to stop them, question them, or log them in in any way.
Because they were dealers selling to the elite.
The resident would call down letting us know they had a guest coming, we'd get a name. Guy would pull up, give us a fake name, we'd refuse, he'd make a call, the resident would answer and have a small fit that we aren't letting them in. They'd then give us their real name and we'd let them through.
Later that report would be edited and we'd get a directive that that car was considered authorized but no documentation was to be done.
Same cars, same guys, always the same residents, always a short visit. The entire crew was either former military or former cops, it didn't take a genius for us to figure out what was going on.
Same thing for the minivans that'd come in with one guy and several scantily clad women, leave 20 minutes later minus one woman, then a cab would come a few hours later for the woman that stayed.
The Secret Ingredientpretzel GIF Giphy
I worked for a mall pretzel stand about 25 years ago and had to sign an NDA about the secret pretzel ingredient. It was baking soda.
Had a friend who managed one over a decade ago, and he liked to mess with people and tell them that the secret ingredient was a chemical compound called "sodium bicarbonate" to gauge their reaction. So entirely truthful, but people who either knew that it was just baking soda or pressed for what that meant in layman's terms were fine, but I watched him freak out a few "scary chemical" paranoid people.
Sweet 1999 Technology
The Nokia 7110 will have a scroll-wheel.
There it is. So glad I could finally talk about it!
Also the release wasn't delayed because of "problems with the operating system" but rather because the entire development team caught a rather bad flu. Probably from me.
I'm so sorry :-(
Library Statues Bring World Peace
I had an "artist" (he told me he was known all over the world) have me sign an NDA when I was a young website designer. He wanted a site to promote his new sculpture idea. I recall it was a group of kids holding hands in a circle, it looked ok but not unlike any sculpture you'd see outside a public library. This guy was saying it would lead to world peace and such.
The requirements for the website were CRAZY detailed, like 40 pages of instruction. It had diagrams of how I should use the mouse to make blur effects and similar bullsh*ttery. I remember we were going over his 'vision' after I signed the NDA and vividly thinking "oh, this guy is just plain crazy." After 10 minutes I said I had an emergency and had to go and just never talked with him again.
In The Family
As Security Chief, I found that my boss, the Region Security manager, was stealing.
At that time, I thought to keep things "in the family'; imagine the scandal that, in the security branch of a nationwide mobile phone company, one of the people in charge of security was caught doing what he was supposed to prevent. Naive me.
So I reported directly to the CSO who, after getting a confession, ask the culprit to resign.
After that, he placed his 24yo niece (or something, family related) in the Region management, then, after 2 months fired me.
A year later, I found out that the first boss was indeed the CSO cousin who ordered his niece to fire me in retaliation.
Wiser me knows now to bring those things directly to HR.
The Phone Had A Security Guard
I did an advert for what was at the time HTCs biggest swing into ultra high end phone technology. I was allowed to hold the phone during filming and a guard put it in a suitcase at all other times. I was not to talk about the phone until it was on sale to the general public.
Pretty lame now, but I had tech friends who knew I did the ad grill me about stuff. I wasn't even allowed to say what color it was.
Contactors and Contracts
I was previously not allowed to tell you that the company I used to work for did white label work for BT, and that if you ever have a BT Openreach engineer come out to your property, they very rarely actually work for BT themselves (basically if they have a BT van) and are in fact one-job contractors with next to no knowledge of what they're actually repairing.
I was also not allowed to tell you that while it's standard practice to have sales people not take their contacts with them when they move companies, and that my business would enforce that by suing leavers who did, they also would not employ sales people who said they were not allowed (or not willing) to poach their previous clients and contacts from their previous company.
I can definitely confirm this.
A few years back I was having major broadband problems. It eventually turned out to be a simple fix at the exchange (a wire had come loose) but prior to having the engineer out who actually did something about it, the two prior engineers were both from "Openreach" and when they arrived they had no idea my broadband was even offline until they walked in to my flat.
FortniteMello GIF by Marshmello Giphy
I got into a super small alpha test of a game in... 2013? It was a new survival game, one of those where you build during the day and try to survive the night, and let me tell you, the game was so, so meh. I played in a small server for about 4 hours and was so bored I just stopped playing for the rest of my access time.
There were all kinds of issues, not with the tech, but just glaring flaws in how the game worked. Some resources were way too abundant, some were really rare, there was practically no music, and the guns were dull. We also completely broke the enemy AI by building a jump pad to get up to a floating platform that required using your air control, so the zombies couldn't get up to us.
The game was Fortnite. The feedback on that alpha we played was so bad they basically took the whole game back into development until the version you know came out. What we were playing was a pretty early version of Save the World, except it was more like a typical Survival game. No BR back then, as you might expect.
So Much Nothing
I did some IT stuff for a state government (a couple actually, but only one had me sign an NDA).
Nothing terribly interesting other than there is so little for tourists to do in the state that they photoshopped people kayaking in the super polluted river that no one would dream kayaking in
Even worse, they listed attractions from the next state over as something tourists could do while visiting them.
I was hit by a Walmart 18-wheeler. I was on the freeway minding my own business, almost done passing him, when he decided to merge into my lane. The rotation from his tires between my door and the frame welded the door closed, and completely destroyed the rear axle, which ripped off the frame (fwd. Engine still kicked over, and drove it up on the trailer at a decent angle) Took everything in my power to stabilize the car and keep control. The trucker just kept driving. I was fortunate a car behind me witnessed the whole thing, stopped, checked if I was okay, then drove up to find the dude accessing the damage to his truck at a gas station a little further up. They got the license plate for me so they could come back and give it to the officer for the report.
I know I could have sued for a pretty penny, but my only requests were;
a.) My medical bills be covered (only had whiplash, other than that, I was unharmed thankfully)
b.) I wanted to know, for a 100% fact he lost his license, and would never have the capability to do what he did to me, to someone else.
Received a call about a month later letting me know my hospital bills had been paid, my check for my car should have arrived, and that he was in fact fired and had his licensed revoked.
Pepto and Antibiotics
In the early 80s, I was a struggling theatre person trying to make ends meet. I knew a lot of production so most of my gigs (in the pre-gig economy days) was a day here and there doing corporate production, like conferences and meetings. They paid amazingly well.
I was hired to do sound for a top secret meeting at Smith-Kline. NDAs were routine so I didn't think twice. There was a group of video guys to manage images and such and a couple of us audio guys whose job it was to run the mics of the people in the meeting up and down, and we were all hidden behind the screen.
The purpose of the meeting was to discuss recent research they had which showed that stomach ulcers were caused by a bacteria called "campylobacter pylori." Smith-Kline's #1 drug at the time was called Tagamet, and it was an ulcer treatment that worked by inhibiting the production of stomach acid. It was going to go out of patent in the next few years.
The top secret meeting was to discuss the fact that they had discovered that the most effective treatment for stomach ulcers, with this new information on campylobacter pylori, was antibiotics supplemented with the use of bismic salts - which just happened to be the main ingredient in pepto bismol, the big over the counter stomach medication in the US at the time.
They had to decide whether to release the studies they had which showed their #1 drug was not as effective as an over the counter medication, or suppress their data and hope they got to the end of their patent on Tagamet to get as much money as possible before the truth came out.
I don't recall any decision anymore. I DO know the info did not come out for years, and I remember telling the story as soon as ten years had passed, and saying they voted to suppress the data, but I cannot swear to that.
The point is, they knew and years passed before it became common knowledge that stomach ulcers can be treated with pepto and antibiotics. It was my first introduction into a world where people's health is secondary to profits.
The bitter irony was I HAD stomach ulcers and took tagamet, so was a real victim of their decision. I started using pepto bismol right away in the 80s, but my doctor did not have the necessary information to prescribe an antibiotic for my stomach infection until 1996. So I had to treat my symptoms for a decade until the actual infection could be addressed. I suffered until the mid 90s when I was finally cured.
Those "best of" professional lists? Whether it's national ("Best Doctors," "Best Lawyers," "Best Dentists") or local ("Best Local Florist," "Best Place to Grab a Beer") most of the time you can scam your way onto it. You can either buy your way on, or you can stuff the ballot box.
I worked on one that you COULDN'T game, and it pissed people off, because they were so accustomed to buying their way into first place. It was ridiculous. I got cussed out by business owners who couldn't buy their way on, and I got cussed out by business owners who didn't try and didn't make the list.
Later, I worked for a national list. It took me two weeks to figure out how the company was encouraging their clients to game the system. So disheartening.
That Marketing Plan, Tho
Some dude was going to revolutionize the world by building Google Calendar, only somehow better. His marketing plan was, tell his friends about it. And when I say he was going to build it, he wanted me to build it. But he wanted me to sign an NDA before he told me what he wanted me to build.
Yeh I politely declined, trying to stifle my laughter.
So the story isn't exciting or big like some of the others ITT. Just a funny example of some really unwarranted self importance.
Background Artdog painter GIF Giphy
A friend signed an NDA when she did an art portrait of a family. She has a pretty unique style. She never broke the NDA, but then a year or so later, the celebrity has a random candid Instagram post in her home and the art was in the background.
So I guess it is now public and okay to share?
Chat Box Not-Bots
If you ever go to a car dealership's website, most have a chat box where you can talk to a real person. 99% of the people you are talking to do not work at the dealership, they work for a 3rd party company whose sole purpose is to get your name and preferably your phone number (though we took email addresses, too, if they didn't want to give us their phone number), so they can give it to the dealership's sales team and a salesman can contact you about buying a new car. Also, 90% of the stuff you guys ask about is easily found on the website, you just have to spend more than 10 seconds looking.
The company I worked for handled chat for about 60 or so car dealerships from all over the United States. Most of the dealerships were located in the Bible belt, but we did have several in South Carolina, and a few in Hawaii, too. Each computer was the same avatar. So we may have six computers, and number one is the avatar of 'Mary', then #2 was 'Peggy', etc. you get the idea.
No matter who sat at what computer each day the name of the avatar didn't change. Studies have shown that even when bluntly asking for information, people are more comfortable talking to women than men, and are more willing to give up information that they may not give up to a man. We also were never to tell the person on the other end that we didn't work for the dealership, but if they ever asked we weren't to lie but tell them we worked with the dealership.
I and everyone I worked with all had our own google docs or Microsoft word pages where we kept answers to commonly asked questions, such as what is the phone number, what are the hours of operation, and our signature "I'm having trouble finding that information right now, but let me get your last name and your phone number and I can have someone find out and contact you about it." Like I said before, the sole purpose of our chats was to get your contact information, so even if we knew what the mileage on a certain vehicle was, we were supposed to feign ignorance and have someone contact you about it so they could push a car sale. Sometimes when you're chatting to people like us, they can seemingly type out long paragraphs much faster than they should be able to. This doesn't necessarily mean they are a robot, but much more likely that someone else before you asked that exact question, and they already had a response ready to be copied and pasted over.
Short term NDA because we were working the roll out of Boeing's newest jet. It was an in-house showing for company big-wigs and assorted vice-presidents before the actual roll out for the public a couple days later. Massive signs everywhere "NO CAMERAS" "NO CELL PHONES" It was laid out to us verbally in our briefing "NO CAMERAS" "NO CELL PHONES" They couldn't have made it any clearer.
First thing one of our chowder-heads does once we get into the hanger is snap a selfie with the new jet. Security was on him like white on rice. Yanked the phone out of his hands, erased everything on it, and escorted him off the property. Permanently barred from all Boeing facilities. The rest of us just stood by and watched as he got perp walked out. He had to hang around outside the gate until we were done and then flag down a ride from someone.
The Company Expired First
Worked for an OEM back when Intel's new Penryn with the 1333Mhz FSB came out, and was having ground plane issues because other OEMs *cough*DELL*cough* cheeped out on motherboard components.
The company I worked for expired before the NDA did...
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People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.