People Share Their 'I'm F***ing Dead When I Get Home' Stories
Can I just NOT go home forever?!
Trouble will find us no matter what. Even when we do our best to walk the straight and narrow... or do our best to cover our tracks, the universe will send justice. Justice often is sent in the form of mom and dad or 911. They will be swift and heavy and it makes going home the most nerve wracking experience. Home becomes the enemy but being naughty comes with consequences.
Redditor u/CosmicLuxray wanted everyone to open up some tales about naughty behavior by asking.... What was your "I'm f***ing dead when I get home" moment?
Don't be Dirty!Giphy
When i was a kid (grade 1) we got to wear our halloween costumes to school(i went as a doctor), and my mom told me to not get my costume dirty. Well we had painting time and of course i ended up with paint on the outfit. Hearing my moms words in my head i thought i was going to be in so much trouble, so my best idea was to hide in the cupboards until pick up time. I was so upset i had to show my mom my ruined outfit and cried when she picked me up. She ended up not being mad and we turned the splotches red with paint to make it a more 'realistic ' doctors outfit and all was saved. carrotcart
I was arrested as a teenager for graffiti and malicious damage. My mum had to leave work to come get me out of lock up. That car trip home was horrifying especially because i knew when i got home my old man was going to absolutely tear me a new one for being a damn idiot. goreway
"I'VE SWALLOWED MY CHEWIE!"
More of a 'dead IF I get home' story: My mum always used to say "Don't swallow chewing gum. It will wrap around your heart, and you will die". I can't remember how old I was. I'll say 7 or 8. One day, while out riding my bike, it happened. I accidentally swallowed my chewing gum. I abandoned the bike where I'd stopped it (maybe 100 yards or so from my house.
What use was it to me by then? I was terminal), and screamed "I'VE SWALLOWED MY CHEWIE!" ("chewie" being slang for chewing gum, where I lived). Fearing for what little precious life I might have left in me, I ran home, in floods of hysterical tears. I was hoping to I'd at least have enough time to explain to my mum that I was about to die, and why, rather than have a stranger find me in the street with no explanation, and cause my family to panic.
I didn't die. matildamint
Im pretty old, so this happened a while back, when i was in Jr. High. An occurrance in school.
Just want you to know that i am the living, breathing actual reason why cherry bombs became illegal in Texas.
BTW; Juvie is not that bad if you are admitted as a folk hero. Bebe_Bleau
Every waking minute for the first 25 years of my life.
My mom is a violent sociopath. toidi_diputs
I was SO clever!
Growing up, I had a friend who lived a few doors down from me. 15, I was pretty rebellious and was seeing a guy my family forbade me from seeing (hindsight, they were right for good reasons).
One day, I had the genius idea to tell my parents I was going to my neighborhood friend's house, when really I was walking .5 miles to visit said boy. I was SO clever!
The grand plan came to a halt an hour later when my friend came over to my house asking if I wanted to hangout. Probably should have told the friend I was using her as an alibi... My parents called my phone, and didn't say anything except "come home now", and I just KNEW they knew. I've never had the anxiety like I did walking home that day. thepaige
Was hanging out with some girls when I was 14, one of them was mad I wasn't drinking their beer so she poured it all down my shirt.
I was mortified that my mom would smell it on me, so I washed it in ocean water then hosed it down with "Off" bug spray.
And my Hail Mary worked! Got away with it, LOL. eljefino
Oh I was so damn wrong.
When I was in 7th grade I was dealing with a lot of depression over the year which made me not want to focus in class a lot so I fail 2 of my classes which meant I would have to go to summer school. I was handed a paper stating I had to attend summer school if I want to move on to 8th grade. Obviously me being the scare nervous child I just kept quite about it and hid the paper in my bag. I got home I hop on the Xbox hoping that my parents would just come home make dinner and I could tell them tomorrow when I calmed down.
Oh I was so damn wrong.
My mom practically kick down the door and yelled for my name, she came upstairs saw that I was on the Xbox and she was furious about that and she straight up yelled at me for a good hour. I swear my mom is gonna kill me in my sleep on day and I wouldn't be surprised. msunfair
4th grade troubles....
When I was in 4th grade, this guy used to kick me in my shin every single day. One day I snapped. I borrowed my friend's perfume, sprayed it in the kid's eyes, punched him a few times, then walked off the school bus like a G. I went to daycare directly after school, and the bus driver ended up parking there so that she could rinse the kid's eyes with water. The director of the daycare center called my mom and I just knew I'd get into so much trouble.
Once I told my parents the whole story, they weren't mad. I also didn't get in trouble at school because I had a good reputation. I had a good relationship with my principal and all of my teachers, so they knew that I had been pushed to that point. I have no regrets. TheLocaChica05
I set my school on fire.
I was with some friends who had a lighter after school. There was a large amount of white fluffy balls that i think come from some sort of tree during spring. They began talking about how you can burn a dandelion and it'll have a cool effect. Naturally my eyes went to the field which they noticed. We gathered up a small handful and lit it on the cement not the field.
We weren't completely stupid but the wind carried the burning embers to the field next to us and suddenly the sky went black from smoke. We ran like idiots and where caught a couple blocks away.
Got ticketed and a court date. I walked home that day. Not out of having a lack of funds for the bus but wanting to buy some time. Anon761
Moms not Happy....Giphy
In 5th grade we were on the computer during some free time before school ended (1998, so being on the computer was a big deal). My friend happened upon an unblocked porn site, and we dared him to set one of the pictures as the computer background. He resisted, resisted, and with the peer pressure of 4 boys aged 10-11 years old, he quickly did it as the bell rang. We thought it was hilarious.... our moms did not. Wu-TangJedi
I was 7 years old and I was sent to my room for some reason. We lived in a one-story house so it occurred to me that I could open the window, push the screen out, and go to my friend's house accords the street. It felt good to escape for a moment but I knew I was in for it when I went back home. And I was. buzzmebrotendo
It was a dark day.
I skipped school to hang out with my boyfriend. He convinced me that I sounded just like my mom on the phone so I should call into school and pose as my mom saying I was sick. So I did. The office lady took the info and I thought that's that.
10 minutes later I get a call at my boyfriend's house from my mom. Office lady knew something was off and called my mom at work. Mom knew where I'd be and called my step-dad to go get me. He was already down the block by the time she called me at his house. I still remember the icy chill of her voice when I got on the phone. It was a dark day. bnbdp
We knew we were damn dead.
Well it was my friend's birthday and we all were at his house. Our friend who was 17 (we were fish, he was a junior) picked all 5 of us up at midnight and we drove around. We ended up in my friends neighborhood around 2:30am and the speed limit was like 35 and our driver decides 85 is close enough to the limit. We see lights and all crapped ourselves. The cop interrogated our driver and questioned why we were out past curfew.
Anyway we got a warning and we all unpoop ourselves. The cop is walking to his car to leave when one of our friends recognized the cop as his neighbor and yelled "Officer ___ it's me your neighbor." We all just looked at him. He claims to this day he was the one to get us out of being put into juvie. Anyway we get home to the lights on in the kitchen and the bedrooms. We knew we were damn dead. Reddit
We were fish on a school trip. Dad had told me not to swim into the blue because I have one pec which is smaller than the other. I was determined to prove him wrong. Ended up being abducted and in a fish tank in a dentist's office in Sydney.
My dad eventually came to pick me up with this weird girl he met underway. He was glad to see me, I though he would've killed me. GeneralBamisoep
I skipped school and my mom texted me in all caps
"YOU SKIPPED SCHOOL??"
Turns out I forgot I had life 360 on my phone. BillOnMyPoopButt69
"Hey I'm up stairs"
I received a detention for doing something bad in 3rd grade. As I was walking home from school I noticed my dad's car in the driveway when he normally wouldn't be home for another 2-3 hours. I just knew, I knew why he was home early. Walked in the front door and I instantly hear "Hey I'm up stairs". Never got a detention again after that. SeriesLive
The Koolaid Man.
Well i was already home and it was thanksgiving morning. Mom worked nights and was on her way home. Me and my brother fought often and this day we started fighting in our narrow hallway. He grabs me to i guess put me in a headlock or something and i lower my body and stick my butt out and he proceeds to push me against the wall and my entire butt goes through it like the koolaid man.
Well a few minutes later my mother pulls up and i decided to take it on the chin and tell her what happened before she saw it for herself Huskimbo9
(Progress reports are the bane of society)
It was eighth grade and I had gotten a D on my progress report (progress reports are the bane of society) and your parents had to sign them for the school. I sat in the grocery store parking lot while my dad screamed at me for getting a D. Swear to god I felt like I was tilting on an axis. He went into the store and it was dead quiet. I cried the whole way back. I knew he was going to tell all his friends about it too.
It was absolutely the worst, and I'm not a bad kid. To this day my parents getting progress reports or report cards terrifies me even if i get something like a 79 in fear of the screaming.
Edit:wow I know everyone never expects it but I REALLY didn't expect this to be seen by so many people and have them relate as well. It makes me sad that this is a universal thing but at least we can band together. Sharknado92
"Where the hell were you that day?"Giphy
My parents didn't let me date. As a girl-obsessed high school kid, one day I decided to ditch my $3,000 SAT course that my parents paid for and hang out with this girl I was crushing on. I lied to my parents that I was going to do some after-class group study with some people in my class afterwards so I could earn a few more hours to be with this girl. Everything went fine that day. My parents didn't doubt me a bit.
The trouble came a week later. I forgot to hide any "evidence" that I wasn't in class off my desk (used movie tickets, receipts from Panda Express, etc.), and while I was in school, my mom discovered those things in my room. When I came home, my mom's mood suddenly changed, and she scarily asked me, "Where the hell were you that day?" and handed me all the "evidences" and lashed out on me for three hours for wasting my precious time on girls while I should be focusing on schoolwork. My parents and I didn't talk to each other for two weeks after they discovered that I lied.
It was one of the sweatiest moments of my life. TuxedoCatSupremacist
While starting a family and having children is a goal that many people have, some do not realize that it's not easy, fun, and loving one-hundred percent of the time. Rather, it's expensive, exhausting, and hard, though it might be worth it in the end.
With this in mind, people shared what they felt were the hardest hurdles of their parenting.
Redditor ApprehensiveShock655 asked:
"What's the worst part of having a child?"
Fear of Not Doing Enough
"The constant anxiety that you’re doing enough to shape them to make good choices, a good life, be a good person and for them to have the life they deserve."
Like the Energizer Bunny
"It's incessant. It never stops. You never get a day off."
"Going from having two days per week to relax and do whatever to literally never having a moment free from responsibility."
No Break In Sight
"I’ve always wanted kids and still do, but this is the only thing that has come close to giving me pause."
"Both my siblings have young kids and I cannot get over how CONSTANT it is."
"From the second the kids wake up to when they finally shut their eyes, it’s non-stop. Then they get maybe an hour or two to themselves, which is mostly spent tidying up, etc., before the nighttime stuff starts with the baby crying, the toddler coming into bed, nightmares, etc."
"It requires years of not getting a full night's rest. You can never just go out whenever you want. No sleeping in, even on weekends because someone has to be up with them at 6 AM."
"Raising human children is an insane task."
Mom's Body After Baby and Dad Bods
"The weight gain is the worst! During the pregnancy, I gained 35 pounds. My belly has stretch marks. My boobs are all saggy."
"And it’s not even fair because my wife only gained like 15."
The Meal Planning
"Coming up with three meals to eat per day EVERY DAY stresses me out so bad."
"This sounds like such a small thing, but it really wears on you over time. You can’t just make something for yourself or something you and your spouse feel like eating: You have to constantly be thinking about if the kid is hungry and what they might be willing to eat."
Keeping Them Safe
"When people ask me this I say, 'do you know those video games where you have to escort a character to a destination without them being attacked?' That's parenting. Those missions are a pain in the a**."
Seriously, Keep Them Safe
"Having to deal with their total lack of self-preservation. They are creative and come up with all kinds of ways to try and kill themselves. Keeping ahead of the game is exhausting."
"They’re just always there. On you, behind you, in front of you, just a little speed bump impeding every task."
Letting Them Live Their Life Their Way
"Having a kid is like having a little piece of your heart running around in the world. When they're sick or get disappointed or just feel sad, it's worse than having it happen to you."
"Yet at the same time, you need to let your kids work through those things to learn to handle them. If you give into the worry and try to shield them from everything, you risk creating harmful co-dependence."
"So it's a constant struggle. But worth it!"
What Is "Sleep" Again?
"I'm only nine years in, but so far, it's been the sleep deprivation. Hands down."
And What Are These "Sick Days" You Speak Of?
"Having to take care of a sick child when you are also sick. For me that has been the most challenging part so far."
Another Full-Time Job
"It's like taking a second job that lasts 18+ years with a 24/7 schedule with no holidays or sick days."
"…And no second paycheck. It's actually like YOU are paying your second salary instead of getting one."
"The loss of freedom. I can't just... go somewhere. Even with older kids, there's so much planning and thinking and getting ready."
"I miss being able to just decide to go somewhere, and go there."
The Time Flies
"The best advice I got was from an ancient hospital security guard in an elevator. 'The days are long, the years are short, cherish them while you can.'"
"The phrase I hate is, 'You don't know it, but one day you pick your kid up for the last time.'"
There are all kinds of troubles that come from being a parent, many of which people don't necessarily think about until they already have a baby in the house.
But reassuringly, many people in the subReddit pointed out that no matter how hard some of these hurdles are to get over, it's still worth it in the end, and it goes by far too fast.
Positive emotions are high among people in the blossoming phase of relationships.
Everything seems more romanticized for people in love due to the amorous joy in their hearts–which also influences their desire to frequently get it on under the sheets–or any other daring location in the heat of the moment.
But for those who've declared "'til death do us part," devoted couples may find that they are not always on the same wavelength sexually compared to when they first met.
Curious to hear how people keep their passion alive, Redditor Rude_Phone6841 asked:
"Married people, how do you initiate sex with your partner?"
When verbally articulating isn't enough...
Let The Book Dictate When
"There is a book called 'How to Subtly Tell Your Partner You Want More Sex.' If you sleep on the right side of the bed, you can casually open it up and your spouse will see the giant printed title on the front. Sometimes, I’ll just get the book out and leave it on his side of the bed. Once he was messing with me and acting like he was oblivious to my not-so-subtle hints, so I threw the book at him. The book is effective and hilarious."
"ETA: Sadly, we haven’t found the book since we moved. Fortunately, we’ve started communicating with our words instead. Words are just as effective."
Save The Date
"I send her an outlook calendar event and if she accepts, IT'S ON."
"You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business."
These couples find that verbal cues are best.
Now's The Time
"Honestly when we have the time one of us usually bluntly says 'let's go have sex right f'king now before we can't' and we go do it. Lol"
Option A Or B
"I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Some of the best sex we had was because I said 'after 2 year old goes down and if 2month decides to sleep do you want to meet in the basement' well she decided to sleep and damn that was good."
End Of Day Reward
"We just ask each other tbh. We’ll bring it up earlier in the day so we build up the anticipation with each other throughout the day, flirt with each other, gas each other up. All that. Then when it’s finally time at the end of the day, we usually fall asleep cause we’re so tired."
"But the cycle continues the next day!"
People continued offering their wisdom.
Afternoon Hanky Panky
"The trick is to initiate sex during the day. We are both too tired at the end. Plus hanging out all day after is somehow more rewarding."
"Same goes for dates. Have sex at the beginning the date, then go enjoy your time together without any pressure."
Kids In The Equation
"This literally happened today with my wife and me. We have two toddlers so we’re extra exhausted. Earlier today we had the sexy initiation of 'hey, we both showered today, want to have sex after the babies are asleep?' 'Sure.'"
"Then when the kids were asleep, and my wife and I were getting settled into bed, she asked if I still wanted to. I said if she wants to I’m down, but I’m pretty tired and would be fine without it. She said she was also tired and could do without it. So we kissed each other good night and she went to sleep. I’m just winding down on Reddit for a few minutes before I also fall asleep."
"I know this is boring. I didn’t write this to tell an exciting story. Just to share what married life is like for me and probably the large majority of married couples, especially parents of young kids."
Shadow Puppet Technique
"Use my phones torch to shine a shadow of my member up against the bedroom wall."
"Kinda like a bat signal of sorts."
"Turn off the lights and switch on the red lamp beside the bed."
"Walk by him while taking my top off. He follows me wherever I go and it's been 30 years and counting."
Every couple is different, and usually establishing a strong communication bond makes everything else in the relationship–including sexy time–falls in line effortlessly.
I knew a couple who made a game out of foreplay and agreed that whoever got home first from getting off work at the same time got to choose the sexual position that night.
They may no longer be together, but I remember them recalling how that technique was fun for them at the beginning stage and it took the pressure off of establishing when they were going to have sex.
Don't take get too anxious about it. It's just sex, and it's fun.
There are a number of things people partake in spite of the known possible ramifications they have on their health and safety.
Up to and including smoking, bungee-jumping, recreational drug use, or simply bike riding without a helmet.
Indeed, even though they know that doing any or all of these things could possibly lead to their death, they do it anyway.
Sadly, even though many people go out of their way to avoid doing these things for that very reason, that still doesn't mean they keep themselves completely out of danger.
Sadly, there are a surprisingly large number of things that lead to an even more surprising number of deaths each year.
Frighteningly, these are things that the majority of the world's population does on an almost daily basis.
"What causes death more than people realize?"
When In Doubt, Call Your Doctor!
"Your body will become septic, in which it essentially kills itself trying to kill off whatever infection one has."- cacarrizales
"Infections that are left untreated."- raptor-99
Tread Carefully. Seriously.
"On average around 17k people a year in the US die from injuries incurred after tripping and falling."- EdithWhartonsFarts
When In Doubt, Don't Drive.
"Driving while sleepy."- latchkey_adult
The Handrail Is There For A Reason.
"20 million severe injuries each year and at least 200,000 death from consequences of the fall."
"Both my grandparents died because of a fall."- OnTheGoodSideofLife
They Happen To The Best Of Us
"Especially among the elderly, a fall can create a cascade of events that results in death, even if it seems minor at first."-AdmiralBofa
Never Rush Chewing
"Statistically the most choked on food."- SpecSanders
Never Skip A Check-Up
"High Blood Pressure."
"It sneaks up on you and you don't know about it or don't care but it's the underlying cause of so many deaths."- Fear51
Never Underestimate The Importance Of Self Care
"Your body can only handle so much of it and it’s labeled the 'silent killer' for that reason."
"With your high blood pressure and the 5 hours of sleep a night because of the stress, It will creep up on you sooner than you think."- DroppedDonut
Don't Forget To Floss!
"Untreated dental problems."
"A cavity left untreated can lead to heart attacks and strokes."- Lastalmark
"Just regular old flu."
"Many people ignore it thinking it'll go away on its own."
"Globally the number per year is usually between 300k and 500k."
"In the US it can be anywhere from 12k to 50k per year."- PhreedomPhighter
Don't Feel Ashamed If You Need A Break
"I have two family friends pass from heart attacks associated to shoveling the snow."- JD054
There Are People Who Will Help You
"Alcoholism causing liver failure and it's on the rise in the USA."- Interesting_Drop8236
"Peruse your County ME’s records."
"The amount of people who die from alcohol is astounding."- hockenduke
Sometimes, It's Just Best To Mind Your Own Business
"You watch some Hollywood blockbusters and some MMA fights and you think you can do it too."
"I've seen stories of a guy minding his own business and gets rocked on the side of his head. It disconnected his spine and he was dead before he hit the ground."
"There was another story maybe a year ago of a scuffle where a guy was stabbed in the neck and bled out to the point of being unable to stand within 10 seconds."
"Stop f*cking around, it's not worth your life."- Choiceofart
We never know when our number is up or how we'll end our days.
However, with a little bit of care and good judgment, we can at least likely avoid falling victim to all of the above.
When Americans visit a foreign country, they tend to notice immediate cultural differences from the minute they step off the plane.
Unique bathroom designs, how you might have to be more specific when ordering coffee in Australia, how many businesses in Spain tend to shut down for a few hours to take a siesta.
Needless to say, this goes both ways, as when people from all over the world visit the United States, they tend to be surprised and amazed by a number of things.
Ranging from the amusing, such as portion sizes and ineffective tea brewing (at least for the Brits) to the truly baffling (HEALTHCARE).
"Non-American people, what’s a thing that you don’t understand about America?"
You Mean, People DON'T File Their Own Taxes Elsewhere?!?!
"Does every worker have to file their own taxes or am I just confused?"- ThePencil67
"Why they make you calculate your own taxes, if they know what you owe."- redder2023
"So, why do you buy politicians' merchandise? "
"Shirts, caps, banners, stickers, etc."
"They're public servants, not rockstars."
"Also, usually the more boring they are, the better."- akashyyConor Mckenna Influencer GIF by FoilArmsandHogGiphy
"Scottish person here but the work/always available for work culture."
"Minimal vacation time, minimal maternity/paternity leave and the fact you can pretty much just be let go."
"It makes me sad to think about it!"
"But I do love that you guys cram so much into your time off - you guys love a road trip!"- Frosty_Dragonfly_682
Definitely Something To Consider...
"What is up with Homeowner Associations?"
"Why would you pay to let a nosy neighbor dictate what you can and can not do on your own property?"
"I understand living in an apartment block and paying maintenance fees etc, but in a suburban home?"- Skoodledoo
There Are Some Good Observations
"The amount of National Parks!"
"My dream came true in 2017 to make an RV trip southwest off USA."
"Yosemite blew my mind away."- Independent-Ad9787national parks GIF by Visit The USAGiphy
"How you can say the word 'mirror' without the use of any vowels."
I Ordered A Small!
"Why everything is just SO damn supersized."
"My first time in America I went to get ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts, I ordered a large and my friend is like, 'are you sure you want large'?"
"Yeah no biggie, in the UK a large is not overwhelming I feel so I was expecting the same kinda thing."
"Oh my god it was like a god damn bucket of coffee."
"I think maybe a small would have been equivalent to a UK large, lesson swiftly learnt."
Some People Are Lucky To Just Have One Roommate...
"How you have to share a room with some complete rando when you go to college."- ChoppingOnionsForYouRoommates Move In GIF by James Madison UniversityGiphy
Some People Just Can't Stop Talking
"The culture of just talking to people, strangers you don't know and just up and start a conversation with them or join a conversation."
"I'm British, and we go through great lengths to not talk to people, let alone open up and pour our hearts out to a random person."- MrGlayden
In Other Words: Severs Deserve to Be Paid More!
"The tipping culture is so foreign to me, I would be so scared to make a mistake or not tipping enough if I ever go to America because it's not something which is common here in Denmark."- Cupsuu
The Commercials, Maybe?
"I’m American but I’ve worked with a lot of people who aren’t."
"The one thing they always wonder is why Americans are so obsessed with the NFL."
"They think it’s a boring sport."
"They explained 'you wait for 30 seconds, they hike the ball, you get about 5-10 seconds of action, then you wait another 30 seconds, another 5-10 seconds of action, then commercial break'."- yougotthesilver12Kansas City Chiefs Football GIF by Fighting Illini AthleticsGiphy
School Is No Place To Have Fun!
"My mom is from Moscow during the Soviet Era, and she is confused why there is no teacher-student hierarchy."
'She thinks it's weird when teachers participate in school plays or speak to students informally."
"She also DOES NOT GET pajama day."
"To her, it's just the weirdest thing in the world."
"In Russia, there is an important distinction between 'clothes for home' and 'clothes for outside'."
"They have a concept of 'home clothes', like your cozy or ugly clothes, that you are supposed to change into after school or work."
"At bedtime, you change out of your 'home clothes' into pajamas."
"As a result, pajamas, for both adults and children, are considered extra-extra private in Russia."
"My mom perceives pajama day as something extreme like wearing only undergarments to school."
"That's how private pajamas are considered to be in Russia!"- racheltolmach2022
A Debate Which Will Likely Never End
"MM/DD/YYYY"- SuvenPananimation domination calendar GIF by gifnewsGiphy
Living in America comes with a number of advantages and a number of detriments.
Speaking personally though, had I known I wouldn't have to file my own taxes in Australia, I would have expatriated long ago...