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People Share Their Favorite Family Friendly Insults

Gosh, darn it!

People Share Their Favorite Family Friendly Insults
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

When I'm writing a new script and I come across characters who are destined to be enemies it's aways fun to concoct scorching insults to sling. And right away what you learn from your dramaturge is that less is more. You can eliminate twenty words and infuse them into a ferocious look that leaves the audience heaving. So you realize it's actually quite easy to keep it clean and classy by leaving foul words--though they often send the point home--out first. Hidden meanings in plain sight that leave people in tears are the best.

Redditor u/AvPlayz wanted everyone to share some witty repartee that doesn't require scandalous words by asking..... What is your best insult without swearing?


Alone

lonely career suicide GIF by Chris GethardGiphy

"I'm lonely not desperate."

SiGMono

Schooled

I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.

WatchTheBoom

I freaking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of crap that I needed to change to be more successful.

I got straight A's, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No crap I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!

Saith_Cassus

Being Everywhere....

In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life.

in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"...

The two of them left soon after that statement was made.

masheduppotato

Stay back

Tell The Tea GIF by DreezyGiphy

I once asked a girl, "Where have you been all my life?"

Her response was, "I don't know, but I wish I was still there."

jeff_the_nurse

Oscar Says...

"You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave."

DonaldKey

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

SheriffBartholomew

Burn....

schitts creek burn GIF by CBCGiphy

I envy the people who haven't met you.

ItsShoesHere

Take the Boot

Dad's old one is "couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."

ruessellvt

Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead. 🤦🏻♂️

Turns out I couldn't pour pee out of a boot.

sylveonce

You own a Mirror?

megan mullally nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphy

Calling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing.

Whatever you say haircut. Or sure thing sunglasses.

It will bother them long after the comment.

Shazam1269

Dumb Luck

I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.

p_cashew

I see that you haven't met some of my neighbors. Here's a good example. One of them lit their yard on fire, forgot they had a garden hose, ran around with a bucket trying to put it out, and then eventually remembered there was a hose.

Did I mention that they are a firefighter so none of these things ought to have happened? I am glad I don't live immediately next to them and that incident has resulted in me having less confidence in my local fire department... for obvious reasons.

24-Hour-Hate

Bless your Heart

dumb patrick star GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy

Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.

hnikret

Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb."

Fyrrys

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REDDIT

People Reveal Where They Had Their First Kiss

Reddit user /4_wheels_ asked: 'Where did you have your first kiss?'

Dangling legs of two teens
Aedrian/Unsplash

Kissing can be as romantic as it is in the movies.

There's nothing more satisfying than sharing a passionate kiss with a person who has the exact same romantic feelings as you do.

In spite of the unknown future of a relationship, the first physical confirmation of love is still a moment you won't soon forget.

But perhaps what's most memorable is your very first kiss.

People shared their funny stories when Redditor 4_wheels_ specifically asked:

"Where did you have your first kiss?"

Can we get a location please?

On The Up And Up

"Hotel stairwell on my grade 8 school trip to the capital."

"UPDATE: It was with a girl (I am male). In the 80s. We're still great friends."

– NewsboyHank

An Appointment Made

"Dentist office."

– crixy98

"This is not what the doc means when he says 'alrighty, open up!'"

– AestheticCopacetic

Things got hot and heavy.

After Meeting In The Library

"Was about 13 met a 15yo girl at the library after school went home with her and we made out heavily in her bedroom. I remember our mouths were so wide open our teeth would clack together and I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed with such vigor again... Still think of her from time to time."

– Aggressive_Warthog_4

Crazy In Love

"In a psych ward when I was 13! A 14 year old girl in the ward with me told me I was cute and asked if I wanted to kiss…I figured why not, LOL"

– feslan

"What happens in the psych ward stays in the psych ward."

– Accomplished_Pen5755

Getting Cozy

"My Honda civic at 19 years old parked out her place."

– ScoobyDooStoned

"You guys parked next to each other?"

– rightcow9vpaperclip

It's like magic.

Fresh Memory

"Middle of the night in my childhood playground under the stars. This was like two weeks ago I’m 14 lol"

– Bazoonial

"W sh*t bro, enjoy the childhood while u still got it."

– Heelflipsrsick

"That’s so sweet, it happened for me too like that."

– Pleasant-Pattern-566

Gen X Love

"At the mall like the typical 80s kid that I was."

– LadyoftheHounds

Not everyone's memory of a first kiss resulted in fireworks.

A Miss Match

"On the tennis courts behind the elementary school. I did you wrong, Kelly. I'm sorry. I hope you're doing well."

– nick1158

Peer Pressure

"Playing truth or dare at a party when I was in like 6th grade. It was awkward as f'k.'"

– Cheese_Pancakes

My first kiss was with a girl. (Didn't all closeted gay boys experiment with girls at first?)

I was in sixth grade at my first after school party.

Before my mom came to pick me up, Dorothy, my classmate, wanted to slow dance with me–even though there was no music playing.

I agreed to it, and that was when she grabbed my face and pulled me toward her lips to make out.

Yup, I knew right then and there, I didn't like girls that way and never would.

When American tourists travel abroad, they often find themselves startled if not downright perplexed by several international cuisines.

If haggis doesn't sound disgusting enough, they find themselves even more shocked by how awful it tastes.

What these very same tourists might not take into account, is that visitors from abroad are often equally baffled by several iconic American dishes.

And no, we're not just talking about the gargantuan portions.

Redditor Seraphicly329 was curious to hear all the American cuisines foreigners can't quite wrap their minds, let alone their tongues, around, leading them to ask:

"Non-Americans what American foods do you find unusual or odd?"

Can they Not Taste How The Root Beer Compliments The Ice Cream?

"Used to host a lot of non-American when they came here from Europe or Asia."

"Root beer floats baffles them every time!"

"Tastes just like their toothpaste and can’t understand how we enjoy it."- WhiskeyTangoFoxy

Say CHEESE!

"My friend from the Mediterranean said 'You Americans put cheese on everything'."

"'Cheese on eggs, cheese on meat, cheese on pasta, cheese on salad, cheese on BREAD, on FISH!!'"

"And you know, she's right."

"Love me a tuna melt."- WildAsTheyCome

Sweet And Salty

"I moved to the states years ago and the first time I saw chicken and waffles I was confused by this combo."-SmittenKitten0303

Chicken And Waffles Syrup GIF by F*CK, THAT'S DELICIOUSGiphy

What Is So Offensive?!?!

"I had a Swedish friend who told me he wasn’t even willing to try mac and cheese because it sounded gross lol."- offbrandbarbie

"Kraft boxed Mac and cheese."

"I don't understand how something so processed can taste like the color yellow and yet be enjoyable but here we are."- RagePandazXD

An Aquired Taste, For Sure...

"I had a Portuguese boss once, and our team would often go out for lunch."

"Me, being a bit of a foodie/adventurous, would often recommend lunch spots."

"I decided for a change we should go to this restaurant that served nothing but PB&J sandwiches, with various twists like the Elvis - a warm sandwich with bananas and bacon slices, etc."

"He later recounted it as "'he worst lunch [he] had ever had", and thought I did it out of revenge'."- spaetzelspiff

Kevin Smith Celebs GIF by DiggGiphy

FIrst Impressions Can Be Dangerous...

"Thought smashburgers would make the burger dry and juices ooze out."

"I had one from Shake Shack when I was in NYC."

"It was delicious and crispy and not dry at all."

"A bit salty but oh well."- teems

Most Cakes Don't Have A Shelf Life...

"Twinkies."- vali241

"Those are gross to most Americans over 15 years old too."

"Honestly, most snacky cakes."

"Maybe twice a year I'll get a wild craving for a Star Crunch or a Swiss Roll, but then I'll have one and remember why I rarely buy them."- Not_a_werecat

Carbs And Fat...

"If you've never eaten biscuits and gravy, you're missing out."

"If you've had it and say you don't like it, you've either eaten it at a bad restaurant or you have no soul."- Mother_Wash

Giphy

Oscar Wilde Was The One Who Said "Sugar Is No Longer Fashionable..."

"Unsweetened iced tea."

"Love it."- Quinocco

So Much For Southern Hospitality...

"Things my South African/British wife found weird."

"Scrapple, chicken and waffles, biscuits, sausage gravy, chicken fried steak, okra, Brunswick Stew, real BBQ (as opposed to grilling), grits, pickled pig feet, pork brains, Boudin sausage, pecan pie, Key Lime pie, boiled peanuts."

"If I think about it, a lot of Southern/Soul food."

"She was also unfamiliar with Mexican and TexMex other than those horrid Old El Paso hard shell taco kits."- Shuggy539

A Cute Alternative Word For "Scraps"...

"Many people are repulsed by scrapple."

"I have been enjoying it all my life, but I don't try to push it on anybody."- Warren_Puffitt

hungry pork GIF by Chipotle Mexican GrillGiphy

If You Know The Origins...

"I taught history for years and now I am a chef."

"So food history is a professional area, and a personal passion."

"I have also lived in my 40 years in three country's and 6 states, and I have been to 45 out of 50 states."

"Peanut Butter was invented for medical use and an easy way to get vitamins and nutrients into patients."

"Peanut butter and jelly became popular during world War 2 due to food rationing."

"Most Americans grow up on it, so for many of us its traditional."

"Chicken and waffles is from a subset of American Cuisine, Southern Cuisine."

"Most people outside the South dont get it either."

"Also, if the balance of the savory chicken and sweet waffle/syrup is off, it really is terrible, but if you get it right, it's delicious!"

"Most people outside the South have no idea how to cook grits, or even what they are."

"Many people in the South don't do it right either."

"Gravy in America is NOT the same as in the rest of the world."

"The gravy traditionally used in biscuits and gravy is even more different, and easy to screw up also."

"Southern Biscuits go best with this gravy, and Northern Biscuits and definitely SCONES are not the same as these Biscuits (the South uses a softer wheat to make flour)."

"Many American don't get spray cheese either."

"Combining savory and sweet is not just an American thing, but we do combine them a lot."

"Keep in mind we ARE a melting pot of cultures and different cultures can combine in odd ways, especially in food."

"As an American chef I always tell people to lay off a lot of canned or packaged items in stores because of the amount of salt and preservatives, and even sugars in them."

"I even mix and sell my own seasonings to my local community to help people with this."

"If your in a restaurant and find the food too salty, chances are part or all of it was prepackaged and not fresh."- zeljadis

Fast Food GIF by US National ArchivesGiphy

At the end of the day, one's taste in food is personal, and everyone reserves the right to like and dislike whatever they want.

Even so: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOESN'T LIKE MAC AND CHEESE?!?!?!


It is not uncommon in this world for people to be underappreciated or even ridiculed for their work because they were ahead of their time. Nicolaus Copernicus was mocked for his theory that the universe was heliocentric. Jackson Polluck's art was only revered posthumously.

This is true for many things, including inventions, movies, video games, and even restaurants.

Redditors know this all too well. They have identified what things failed when they were initially released but turned out to be ahead of its time, and are eager to share.

It all started when Redditor kingpin000 asked:

"What failed when it was initially released, but turned out to be ahead of its time years later?"

Dual Uses

"Viagra. Fascinating history. It was developed as a blood pressure medicine in the 80s. The bonerific side effect was “embarrassing” and “unwanted” in the 80s, but desired a decade or so later when sex became less taboo."

"So, it failed as a mainstream blood pressure pill, but succeeded as a boner pill."

– Myzyri

"It's actually used as a blood pressure medication still, but it's for the more rare Pulmonary Hypertension."

– Blueshark25

That's Why They're Called Sticky Notes

"The glue that became part of Post-Its. The guy who invented them was trying to create a stronger glue for the aerospace industry, but the adhesive he created was a weak adhesive. Years later one of his colleagues used that adhesive to create a bookmark that didn't fall out of the book he was reading. Eventually, that idea became Post-Its."

– mom_with_an_attitude

"If I recall the story correctly, it was a hymn book which had delicate pages."

"The Post-Its adhesive worked great on it by not ripping or ruining the pages."

– teems

Pre-Spotify

"I always feel like the Zune and their music model was ahead of its time. 10 dollars month for unlimited downloads while at the time you were paying 1 dollar per single. Now everyone just uses Spotify for the same thing."

– sausagepizza

"You also got to keep 10 of the songs you downloaded at the end of each month. It was essentially paying for 10 songs with as free streaming on top."

– evanzknigh39

If Only They Waited

"Touch screens."

"Yes they are everywhere now but the Buicks 1986 model had one, and most cars today have it."

"Hell, the concept was developed in 1965!!!"

– BotherDesperate7169

"Microsoft pushed a tablet computer about 5 years or so before the iPad got released. It failed miserably and they quickly gave up on the idea."

– saugoof

Almost, But Not Quite

"Vine. They were almost TikTok, but weren’t."

– Gauzey

"I don’t understand why Vine died and Tik Tok lives?"

– kapt_so_krunchy

"Because Vine was ahead of its time."

– MrBoomf

The Big Screen

"The movie Blade Runner."

– Agreeable_Pizza93

"Shawshank flopped in the theaters. It's a classic because TNT began airing it because it was cheap. Boys grew up watching Shawshank. Now it's one of IMDb ten greatest films."

"We can also look at It's a Wonderful Life."

– Econoj

"I've said it on here before somewhere. But The Thing went from being an absolute critical bomb at the time... to being one of the most lauded (and rightfully so) horror sci films ever created now. Specific tastes aside, anyone who enjoys horror probably has The Thing in their top 10."

– 10019245

Can't Believe This Flopped

"Bluetooth was released with a huge fanfare and then fizzled for a few years before it really took off."

– FearlessTomatillo911

"This should be a huge one! It flopped on the market for a long time before someone figured out how to use it correctly and now it’s a staple for electronics."

– ballnout

Just When He Got Rid Of It...

"Debit cards. My dad got one in the 70’s when they were a new idea and nobody seemed to understand them and didn’t take them. He finally got rid of his. Now……"

– sas5814

My Favorite Childhood Toy

"Slime (silly putty). originally, it was an attempt to replace rubber during WW2."

– pupunhaLover

Vroom, Vroom

"Electric car."

"German engineer Andreas Flocken built the first real electric car in 1888. The first electric car in the United States was developed in 1890–91 by William Morrison of Des Moines, Iowa; the vehicle was a six-passenger wagon capable of reaching a speed of 23 km/h (14 mph)."

– george_sg

What Might've Been

"Google Glass the biggest argument against it was ppl being so angry about the wearers filming them. Here we are 10+ years later and everyone films everything everywhere they go. And we have ppl wearing GoPros and other klunky cameras all the time."

"The Google Glass offered AR, filming, assistant functionally, map and web access all in an easy to wear and use piece of tech that was also super cool and futuristic. I think if it had taken off we would have even more advanced models now. It was just WAY too ahead of it's time for widespread adoption. I think it would be wildly popular now."

– JubalHarshawII

For Man's Best Friend

"Pets.com. Everyone laughed at the idea after the tech bubble burst. Chewy.com is worth $10B today."

– Bishop_Pickerling

"If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that animal lovers will drop some serious cash."

– FunAdministration334

Shut Up And Drive

"The Sinclair C5 electric vehicle. Complete flop in 1985, but now a thriving hobby as many people are upgrading them with modern batteries, motors, disc brakes, etc. So much fun to drive."

– TheKingOfDub

"Sinclair C5."

"Can't help but feel had it been succesful, the following iterations would be superior to the e-bikes we have now."

– SmeeegHeead

Eye Of The Beholder

"Van Gogh's paintings. Amy Pond from Doctor Who knew how good he was, but none of Vincent's contemporaries did, and he eventually died by his own hand."

– tunghoy

Poor Van Gogh. He's my favorite artist!

I'm glad he's appreciated now, even if he wasn't in his own time.

(And this is exactly why Doctor Who's Amy Pond was my favorite companion!)

A well dressed man screams into a phone
Icons8 Team/Unsplash

Life can be destroyed in an instant.

Every single moment of every single day we make choices that can further our existence or ruin it.

Sadly, it often feels like a majority of us choose the latter option.

We only get one life.

Why is it so hard to make the most of it?

We're all guilty of poor decision-making.

That's okay, as long as we learn from it.

It feels like there is always time to right wrongs.

The truth is, there's not.

That clock eventually runs out.

Redditor metalnxrd wanted to hear about the people who have brought personal wreckage to themselves, so they asked:

"Who are some people you know personally, or otherwise, who ruined their own lives, and how?"

I've watched too many people self-destruct.

It all starts in the mirror.

Don't be afraid to look.

All-In

Season 17 What GIF by America's Got TalentGiphy

"Took out a mortgage on his house and leveraged all his other assets to go all-in on Luna coin. It worked beautifully until it didn't."

Particular-Natural12

Bad Ideas

"Had a buddy who got scouted by professional baseball when we were in high school. They wanted him in the farm system, his mom wanted him in college. So the team allowed it."

"Dude found meth before leaving for college. He never made it there."

"He's now homeless and on his last legs."

BosskHogg

Receipts, please...

"Family member addicted to shopping. She & her husband made really good money and could have had a very comfortable life. Every single year she decided she didn’t like their house, sold at a loss, and then renovated and bought all new designer furniture for every new house. On top of that, she constantly bought multiple pieces of the same designer clothes and jewelry (why?), art, cosmetic procedures etc."

"Eventually they couldn’t even get a mortgage anymore and were in an insane amount of debt, lost their cars and everything else they owned. She ended up stealing her mother’s credit card to use for restaurants and attempted to make a bunch of frivolous lawsuits which just resulted in more legal debt."

Guineacabra

Out of Recovery

"I helped an old friend of my mother-in-law for some time, she was in recovery for some years. She had drunk so heavily for so long that she developed a neurological disorder that left her debilitated. She gradually lost her balance, her motor skills and coordination, and is now hospitalized and unable to care for herself."

"She is almost a decade younger than me and her life of independence is over. She will remain bedridden and rely on others for her most basic needs for the remaining years of her life. This is neither far-fetched nor the worst-case scenario, people die from addiction every day."

Optimal-Scientist233

Move On

"Staying in bad relationships, doubling down and marrying and having children. Now they have the same relationship problems that they had ten years ago but with children involved."

pitathegreat

Being alone by yourself is better than being alone in a relationship.

If you need a reminder please listen to Ms. Whitney Houston's "It's Not Right, But It's Okay!" on repeat daily.

Tainted Love

Shaking Head Reaction GIF by GIPHY NewsGiphy

"SIL is a trainwreck. Ruined her marriage, ruined her relationship with her kids, lost her house and car, all to be with some abusive piece of crap."

ThePelky

Weekly Drama

"A friend from HS won a thousand a week for life. Never went to college. Never held down a long-term job. Always worried some lady was trying to take his money by getting pregnant or or stealing it through marriage. Has had a very mediocre life without much progression or new relationships."

"The rest of the friend group used to think he was the luckiest guy alive. Now we all just try to keep his spirits up when we get together and keep our advice to ourselves. He is aware of the solutions to his problems at a 10-mile view but the $1000/week has sapped his will to execute any self-improvement plan."

TheUnblinkingEye1001

Dead Dreams

"Midlife Crisis... Came to a realization they didn't have something they really wanted in their life. Abandoned everything they already had (job, family, friends) to chase that dream. Finally forced to realize what they were chasing was an unobtainable illusion but the damage was already done."

varthalon

Ruined

"Someone in our friend group keeps having kids with people and then leaving, screwing him financially because of child support. He can't hold any jobs and has stolen from friends. Right now he's crashing on one of my friend's couches. I dunno why they are allowing him to stay there."

dinoaids

Make better choices.

Please.

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