These are dark times we're in. Logging on any day of the week leads to bleak news and worse outcomes. Occasionally, we need something lighthearted and funny to get us through. Fortunately, we have friends on the internet with a treasure trove of hilarious tales to help us pass the quarantine time.
Reddit user, u/FreakyChickenMeti, wanted to hear something to brighten their day when they asked:
What is the funniest sh-t you've ever seen?
Simple Miscommunication
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We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he's a virgin.
Mr. S is a vegan
It's 7th Grade. All You Can Do Is Cry.
At 7th grade basketball practice we were running laps and had to dodge the volleyball net stands still standing. One girl was so busy chit chatting with her buddies facing her head back to her friends that she didn't dodge the net stand and collided with such force she was launched back a few feet and all she could do was cover her face and cry in embarrassment.
Not Even Cats Enjoy Them
My old cat ate some of my dry cornflakes and promptly spat it back out into my bowl. I laughed so hard I choked on a flake and honest to god thought I was going to die with tears in my eyes and one soggy cat saliva cornflake in my full depression meal
Right Next To It
I was frisbee golfing with buddy (way better than me). In frisbee golf you try to throw the disk into a basket on a pole, about 1m in diameter. My buddy landed his disk on the [ground] pretty much next to the pole. On his turn he just grabbed the disk and tapped the basket with it (reasonable, too short distance to throw).
I said in a smarta-- manner that you're supposed to throw the disk into the basket, not place it. So he angrily picked the disk up, and chucked it into the basket.
Except he missed.
While standing next to the basket.
I had to sit down.
The Intent Was There
this will probably never get seen but hear me out...
But first some context. I am from Kosovo and 80% of the people in this country don't know how to speak even 2 words English.
Last year I went into my first year of high school, and in my English period we had to presentate ourselves and tell our morning routine. as we start to presentate and tell our morning routine, till it comes to a boys turn (lets call him Jack). Jack starts to presentate himself to the classe and starts to tell the class his morning routine, he starts it with (in terrible english) "every day, I wake up and wash my ass" then he realized what he said and correct himself with "ehhh ehhh i kiss my ass". at this point even the 62 year old teacher is bursting into tears and it took over 5 minutes for the class to calme down, and then my best friend how doesn't know a single thing in English stops as asks me "what he say". at that point i could handle myself i laughed so hard that i cried about 5 minutes.
till this day i will never forget that moment.
Got The Sleepover Giggles
I was at a sleepover and It was that akward bit where youre trying to sleep but are very aware of how awake you both are and my friend pokes my shoulder and shows me his phone. I don't know if it was the sleep deprivation or the sugar, but its a picture of a dog from an upward angle thats kinda blurry and it says "bruh" under it and that sh-t was so funny.
We both laughed until we cried and it still gets me every time.
Literally. LITERALLY.
I was in Nathan's eating a hot dog with a friend. And he said in a condescending deadpan tone "look at this clown" and gestured for me to look over my shoulder. I was expecting to see someone doing something idiotic.
It was an actual clown standing in line waiting to order.
I started crying from the laughter.
"TL;DR: Farts and overtired people lead to a lot of laughs."
I was talking with a friend in the basement of the dorms really late at night. We were the only ones in the room and were both interested in the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone walk in and go to the ladies' room.
A few moments later we had a little lull in conversation. That is the moment that we heard the loudest fart I've ever heard. We could hear it through the door it was so loud.
My friend and I were laughing so hard that I had I had tears coming from my eyes. We were trying not to be too loud so that the person would hear is, which made everything even more funny. For the next twenty minutes, I couldn't even look at my friend without bursting out laughing all over again. I had to leave the room to get a hold on myself.
TL;DR: Farts and overtired people lead to a lot of laughs.
And We Might Never Know...
One day, a few years ago, my dad and I were driving from our town to the next town over. The road to get there is super windy and curvy through the mountains. We come up behind a truck hauling about 6 port a potties. At this point, the road gets REALLY windy. So, as we're watching, from a distance behind, the truck driver takes the curve too fast and one of the port a potties flies off the trailer and tumbles end over end across the road into the ditch.
I still to this day don't know if they had been emptied or not. My dad and I had a good laugh.
It's a very good thing no one was driving the opposite way though! Could you imagine being taken out by a flying port a potty?
Every Boy Has Done This At Least Once With Something Powdery
My friend another friend and I were sitting on a bench and I don't know why but we took grape sugar or dextrose (idk how you really call them but it was from Dexxtro Energy) made it into power and sniffed them up our nose (we were 13 or 14).
So there was this woman with her kids and my friend sniffed the grape sugar/dextrose and began to scream a bit. I never saw a more disgusted and afraid look while she took her kids and pulled them right next to her. I do kind of feel sorry about it but it was so funny.
Just A Wonderful Series Of Wobbly Events
My family's country home is on a river that doesn't allow motorized boats and there's a camp ground about 1/4 mile down river.
So me, my uncle, dad, and cousin are sitting by the fire pit and we hear some guy come screaming up the river on a John boat with a 5hp motor on the back. The river was high due to snow melt from late winter early spring so it was hiding a big rock that usually pokes up through the water.
This dude comes SCREAMING up river and the prop clips the rock and the motor falls off the back and right into the water. The guy is obviously fuming pissed off and jumps into the freezing cold water (again it was late March/early April and anyone who knows the East Branch of the Delaware River knows it's cold as sh-t even in August).
Believe it or not the guy fishes the motor from the bottom of the river tosses it back on the boat and with 2-3 pulls it starts right up and b-lines it back to the campground.
Still one of the all time hilarious stories from upstate.
But...Why?
In Biology, we have these lab desks that seat two people and cover your feet. I was sitting in the back end, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the kids taking off his pants. That's when the teacher decided she would roam the room as she gave her lecture. She finally reached this kid, who was frantically trying to put his pants back on, and he was caught red-handed. The vibe in the class and this pant-less kid was were one of the funniest and most random moments I have ever experienced.
Throw Some Rights And Some Straws
This drunk dude at a bar was telling a group of us that there was a guy sitting in a chair outside staring him down. Our friend had poor eyesight, and it didn't help that he was piss drunk, but he was absolutely convinced that the guy outside wanted to fight him.
We looked outside onto the patio area, and sure enough, there was a "guy" in a chair with an evil look on his face, facing the window to the bar. I should also add that this was close to Halloween, and the "guy" sitting in the chair was a stuffed scarecrow with a pumpkin for a head, with a mean face drawn on it.
We almost let our friend loose on the thing, but it was hilarious watching him rant how he's going to kill the guy, and to watch his back because the scarecrow probably had friends with him.
The Mouth On That Girl
There's a brewery in my neighborhood. It's one of those "cool" places where people bring their dogs and their kids.
Funniest sh-t I've ever seen was a 7 or 8 year old girl playing Battleship against the bartender, but with no ships down.
"B3."
"Miss."
"Damn it, again?"
He Literally Ran With It
A guy was sprinting down the hall in college, obviously in a hurry. Well, there was a floor mat right before the stairs at the end of the hall. The mat slipped as soon as he ran on it so he lost his balance but because he has momentum he KEPT ON RUNNING up the stairs, trying to catch himself. SOMEHOW he recovered and just ran out of the building. I could not handle it
And That's How You Cover
At work in the lab one day, a senior coworker is up on a ladder and tries to pull a 60lbs power supply unit that costs $70000 out of the rack we were repairing. Thing falls 7 feet, annihilates a table and another 35k with of equipment and slams on the floor. Coworker looks down from his perch and says, "Cha Cha real smooth" and goes back to work. I f-cking lost it.
(I work for a multi billion dollar defense company that had about 50 replacements in the back room. No big deal. But his absolute do-not-give-a-f-ck response nailed me.)
Wow...
Once, during college, a group of us saw two blind people walk into each other, and one bounced off and landed in a trashcan. Obviously, this was a shock to both, and the trash can blind person shouted "What are you blind?!", which was met with a very apologetic "...Yes?"
I will never laugh that hard again. Hell, I'm laughing at it again now just typing this.
Justice Is Swift
We had a power outage at work, so they decided to send us home early. The daughter of the firm's president was your stereotypical spoiled rich girl, and was probably a size 10 but was squeezing her a-- into size 8 pants because she couldn't accept she wasn't a single digit size.
She got excited about going home and did a high kick. Her pants split from her knee all the way up the back of her a-- with the most cartoonish RRRRRRIIIPPPPPP!
The look of shock and embarrassment on her face was worth the price of admission.
I was laughing so hard I fell on the floor. My abs hurt the following two days.
Tom & Jerry Could Never Come Up With Something So Funny
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This kid was bugging my friend so she lunged at him like she was going to attack him. He turned to run and ran face first into a pole. She started laughing and turned to run away because the teachers were headed our way and ran face first into another pole. Both ended up in the nurses office with matching bloody noses and I laughed so hard I had an asthma attack.
Rules Are Rules
Circa 2004/2005?
Principal of our middle school became fed up with the Circle Game kids were playing (game where you make a circle with your fingers and hold it below you waist so if you convince someone to look at it you get punched).
Principal holds up his fingers in the exact position as the circle game and yells at the the entire cafeteria, "YA SEE THIS!? THIS IS NOT OKAY!"
Random student: "Mr. [Redacted], does this mean you're going to punch all of us?"
Room goes silent.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
homer simpson episode 23 GIF
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
Disney World GIF
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.