It's A Chinese Conspiracy

A long rant on Chinese quality control, and how he'd never use a piece of Chinese junk for an important job.

He said this while using a Caterpillar piece of equipment, made in their Chinese factory ...

He swore that was the best farm tool he's ever had, much better than John Deere ... and refused to believe his was made in China. Going as far as to tell me to get my "Toyota driving communist ass off my land!"

Um, does he think Toyota is Chinese?

He thinks all Asians are Chinese.

Does a Bear Roll in the Wood

Someone I know said that if a bear is chasing you, don't run down a hill because the bear would roll down the hill like a boulder and crush you, he really believed it.

Parental Guidance

My parents every time they said "if you tell me the truth I won't be mad"

They were mad every time.

Drive-by Truthing

I worked with a guy that would always say stupid comments and people would always call him out for saying dumb things. One day he got mad about it and went on a rant about how he was only dumb because he had to drop out of school to take care of his blind mom when he was 14 and no one else was around to take care of the family.

Everyone got quiet and it was awkward until someone said, "Your mom drove you to work today."

Whiskey and Water

Had a guy tell me that you can't get a hangover from Jack Daniel's because of the minerals in the spring water they use to make it.

Top Secret Canadian Coffee

"I worked in a mine 43,000 feet underground."

I asked do you mean 4300. She said nope, 43,000. Called her on her bullsh*t seeing as the furthest down drilled hole is 40,000 feet, in Russia. We're in Canada.

Nope. It's 43,000 ft.

That's where the secret government Tim Horton's is.

Gluten-Free Eggs

"I can't eat those eggs, they have gluten!" My aunt is convinced that anything produced by any animal who has ever eaten gluten also contains gluten.

When I asked if she was tested for Celiac's, she said "Doctors don't know."

She's not a very bright person.

If Only...

"If it wasn't for the physical and mental stress, I could be a Navy SEAL."

(That's like) if it wasn't for all the running, ball handling, and shot making, I could be an NBA player.

If it wasn't for my ugly face, unfit body, and unsatisfactory height, I could be a super model.

If it wasn't for my terrible eyesight, fear of heights, and general laziness I could be a fighter pilot.

Genetically Altered

"Essential oils are so powerful they can change your DNA."

So is radiation.

Sugar Free Please

"Sugar can't be digested and cuts the inside of your arteries and veins."

What?!?

Legalize It Illegally

I had a friend in high school that would always tell semi-plausible stories that we suspected were bullshit, but we could never catch him on it. One day during lunch, we were talking about weed and he casually says "When my dad was a cop in the seventies, he would confiscate weed from guys and then go back and smoke it because it was legal back then."

We all kind of looked around the table and some brave soul said "Dude, if weed was legal, then why were the cops confiscating it?"

Basketball Physics

If the earth is round then why doesn't water poured onto a basketball stay on?

I'm just imagining this person in a lab coat, repeatedly pouring a beaker of water onto a basketball, then shaking their head while aggressively writing notes.

German Pigeons of WWII

In middle school, this kid who was notorious for being full of It, told me that his uncle raised CLAY pigeons. Like those orange targets that you throw in the air and shoot with a shotgun.

Same kid had this army jacket that he wore from time to time that was his Uncle's. Claimed that the holes in it were from a BB gun that some German was using in WWII. At the time I didn't realize the many flaws in this.

That Ban Is Going to Hurt

Grandma informed me that 87% of navy seals are transgender. Something seems off about that

13% of navy seals are actual seals.

A Need for Speed

...he told the story of when he promised his grandmother that he would drive from Michigan to California in 16 hours and he did. If you look at a map and don't take any roads into consideration, just connect the 2 closest points between Michigan and California, you're at about 2,000 miles... Add in roads, and the fact that he was going from the middle of Michigan to the middle of California, and you're close to 3000 miles... in 16 hours...

So you're saying that you don't believe that he drove for 16hrs straight going at least 187mph . . . without stopping? But. . . But you can't prove that he didn't!!!

You're right, I can't prove that... I also can't prove he had to stop for gas...

Too Smart for School

"I was told by the high school I had to dropout because I had TOO high of a GPA."

Oh, yeah? What was your GPA?

"5.0! They said they couldn't keep me there because it'd look bad someone so smart was still going to their school."

Seal Team 0.006

My stepdad's niece married this fat hick, and well, basically everything that ever comes out of his mouth... First, he claims he was a Navy Seal, and even if you look at the guy and can somehow think "well, maybe he just got really out of shape," three minutes talking to him and you know he's full of shit. But he lives the gimmick, and his wife believes it... We went to some motorcycle races one night and I heard him quietly tell his wife, "I know I'm not the only Seal here - I've seen a few guys, and I can tell by what they're wearing that they're Seals."

He would also tell us how, in the Navy, they used to play baseball with balls of C4 and watch them explode, and one time they knocked one into the sunroof of a fellow seaman's brand new Camaro and blew it up... I didn't bother to point out that C4 needs a detonator , because I'm sure he would just explain that this was special C4 that didn't need a detonator...

Coffee and Waffles

"I can drink so much coffee that I achieve homeostasis and don't need to pee." I had to walk away.

That's nothing, I can eat so many waffles that I achieve photosynthesis, thus removing the need for sleep.

Busy Bees

My grandma told me that a single bee produces 2 lbs of honey every day. I know all about bees and told her that bees maybe make a teaspoon of honey in their lifetime and she wasn't too fond of my response.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I knew a dude in high school who was probably a pathological liar. He would literally lie about EVERYTHING. It didn't matter how insignificant, it would be a lie.

"Got a new car yesterday!" - Drives up in the same old car. "Got a job making $30 an hour!" - No you're 16. "Got a 100 on every test last week." - Kid was dumb as bricks.

We kinda got sick of calling him out all the time so we just let him continue telling his lies...

Then one day he starts saying that he met this girl on "habbo hotel" which was like a stupid online chat room game. The guy starts saying that shes from Finland or some sh_t and that she's super hot. He continues to tell us that shes moving in with him and keeps showing us pictures of this hot girl.

But then....shortly after HS he moves in with the girl from Habbo Hotel. God damn the one most bullsh_t thing he said was actually true.

Is This School in Springfield?

When I was at school one my my friends ran out of the playground/yard and came back an hour or so later. He said the headteacher/principal chased him but he got on a bike, but then the headteacher jumped on a skateboard and got some toy bow and arrows and fired them through the bikes wheels - and that is how he got caught and had to come back to school.

Bullwinkle Hangs With Bigfoot

My GF's dad thinks Moose don't exist.

The Power of Jonas Salk Compels You

I had a coworker tell me that his 6-month-old baby was talking in full sentences until he had his vaccinations, then he inexplicably stopped talking till 18th months.

If his six-month-old was speaking full sentences, he needed an exorcist.

so what you're telling me is vaccinations not only prevent disease, but also expel demons from your body? I should get on that.

Anatomically Incorrect

I have a coworker that swears his aunt died of prostate cancer, and that's why he doesn't use deodorant.

Wind Power

I have a co-worker who thinks that climate change is caused by wind turbines slowing down the earth.

He otherwise seems pretty intelligent but damn...

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Note: Comments have been edited for clarity.