Why don't people listen? Some of us are sages walking the Earth just trying to espouse the truth... soak it in. Granted we often throw out our wisdom when it is unwarranted, but it doesn't mean it's false. That is why so many people hold to the mantra of... "told you so." Maybe we should look at the statistics of when people don't follow warnings and advice.Redditor u/FizzledTwizzle wanted to know about the times you've given advice and then all that followed after by asking.... What did you try to warn someone about except they didn't listen and it turned out very badly?
My 6 year old brother at the time was standing on the kitchen table with his socks on and it looked like he was about to jump off. I kid you not, before he jumped I literally said "don't jump off the table with socks on or you'll slip and break your arm." 5 seconds later he jumped off the table, his feet slipped out from under him, and he landed directly on his arm... breaking it.
I walked in to work one day and my boss said, "Hey! I just hired somebody who used to work where you used to, her name is Xxxxxxx Yyyyyy, you know her?"
And I was just like, " Oh nooooooooo."
Yep, two nights later the owner of the bar across the street calls as we're closing up and says, "So just FYI, one of your servers is over here, in uniform, telling everybody where she works...I say 'in uniform,' but right now she's dancing on the bar and taking it off."
You've been "Shipped"
I tried to convince my roommate he was getting scammed on craigslist. We talked, we argued, I even pulled up google and showed him pages worth of people saying they should've never sent the money order. But somehow it was different cuz the bank took the check earlier that day. Well, a few days later the bank called and said the check didn't clear, which was around the same time the buyer and the "shipping company" he was using disappeared too.
Not Hercrazy girl fun GIF Giphy
I told my boss not to hire the girl who showed up to her interview late and in a belly shirt, now we have a worker who perpetually calls out and whose dad has shown up to try to change her work schedule.
I told my college housemate that she needed to slow down her drinking because she was making horrible decisions and putting herself in dangerous situations. She threw a tantrum, screamed at me that I was a know-it-all and "not her mother" and she moved out and in with another friend. The next week she was driving drunk and wrapped her car around a tree on campus, wasn't wearing a seat belt. She broke a lot of bones in her face and looked like a monster for months. Luckily everything healed and she ended up getting the help she needed.
Say "I Don't"
I tried to tell my brother that he should not get married to someone he met only a few months ago, barely knew, never lived with, and that I personally found very shady.
He got mad at me and got married anyway.
The marriage lasted one month. Two years later my brother is in a very eventful divorce, buried in debt, lost many friends, quit his job, is back at our parents house and has depression.
This is the short version, the full one could be a whole soap opera 25th season.
Dude was buying an apartment off-plan (meaning you pay a % before the build even starts) and he send me the plans online. I'm into architectural design so I quickly spotted it was off; all the furniture on his floorplan was shrunk dramatically to make the space appear much bigger than it actually was underlined with:
*for illustrative purposes only.
I drew up a rough quick 3d model to scale with the furniture as it was on the plan and put some real size humans in the space and sent it to him as a warning. He got angry with me and suggested that I "insulted his intelligence".
It wasn't just a little bit off, it was dramatic. The full size bath would have to be a sit up bath or a shower. The furniture was shrunk by almost 50%.
He's now the proud of owner of a micro apartment.
Wipe ItThrow Away Clean Up GIF by Preparation H Giphy
Told my aunt that my cousin seemed in pain when he was passing stool and urine. Everyone said that all children and babies do that. I didn't buy it so i continued pestering.
Turns out he had serious rash in his bottom due to lack of cleaning and had urine infection. the rash was so bad that the skin in that area became thinner than paper.
My mom asking me about putting money in this company which was obviously a Ponzi scheme. I told her to not listen to her moronic cousin and not to put money in it because it is not real. She lost a few thousand dollars and asked me to get it back for her. I was so mad and begrudgingly did it cause mom has been a minimum wage worker since forever and that was all she had. I wasn't able to get all of it back. She lost half of what she put in after the feds were through with it.
In the holemoney pit esta casa es una ruina GIF Giphy
A gal I know insisted the new mansion she was "buying" would be repaired and maintained by the previous owner.
I asked her why they would do that if she wasn't paying them.
It was a land lease. That's like renting from an individual who holds on to the legal ownership. She didn't understand she had no rights and was basically living in a hotel until she was $500,000 in the hole. They kicked her out the second month of the pandemic.
A Strong Back
Guy in high school wanted to prank his best friend by taking his chair out from underneath him when he was standing. I told him repeatedly not to, lest he went mad and told the teacher. That didn't happen, of course, instead, something worse did.
The guy's backbone was severely injured as he'd landed straight on it, and had to be sent to hospital. Now his back is bent, he cannot sit without acute pain... all because of someone who wouldn't listen to me.
Seat belts Onseason 5 GIF by SpongeBob SquarePants Giphy
Told my friend to wear his seatbelt. We were both in the back seat. Minutes later we hit a light pole. He flew from the back seat and made a 12in hole in the wind shield. He ended up with 32 stitches on the top of his head.
One of my soldiers was dating a chick who had already been engaged to a guy in our company. We knew her backstory and warned him that she was bad news and to stay away.
Three weeks later he came back from Christmas leave married to her.
She cheated on him for a long time, got pregnant from some other guy, the embryo was outside the uterus so she stays married to him for the tricare but lived with the other guy, she had a miscarriage, and finally she convinced him to go AWOL for four days instead of training.
He got moved out of my platoon and kicked out of the army. No idea how he is.
Contacting my parents.
I told this person I went no contact with them and I showed them the legal documents saying that my parents are legally not allowed to contact me but they were still like "but they're your paaaaarrrreeeennnnnnts" and got into contact with them.
After about 4 weeks that person called to tell me that my parents won't stop harassing and threatening them for information about me and I need to help them.
I told them tough luck and the only way to get them to stop is get the cops involved and since its just threats, you have to wait until they come to your house and start damaging you or your property for the cops to actually do anything.
I stopped talking to that person for obvious reasons but from what I hear my parents are still threatening and harassing them a year and a half later.
Keep your wealth a secret.....
I tell people this all the freaking time and they never listen: never tell anybody how much money you have. Doesn't matter if you don't have any money cause no reason to let people know you are broke. But ESPECIALLY if you have money, don't let anybody know. It will only cause you problems.
I tell this to my employees all the time. One of my employees had a huge college fund that her grandparents and parents had been saving for for years. I tell her to keep it a secret and never let anybody know about it.
Of course she tells her girlfriend about it. They move across the country together so my employee can go to college. The girlfriend refuses to get a job or pay for anything because she knows about the money. She proceeded to steal as much money as fast as she could and bails.
This is just one example. Keep your wealth a secret. Money brings out the absolute worst in people.
Nobody listens to me. Ok, I should say sometimes they do, but I swear most of the time they don't. And then it comes back to bite then in the butt.
Told some guy at the horse track that a horse was going to get away from him while he was leading it around. He had him on a super long lead, treating him like a puppy. Sure, you can do that with some there, but this horse wasn't one of them. The horse spooked, kicked him in the gut, took off and ran into a cement barrier, flipping over the top of it. He was banged up some, but he was alright, thankfully. I tried not to laugh at the guy.
Told a different person to not go back on the motocross track when their front tire would randomly lock up (I mean, duh). He did anyway. During the race, it locked up in the air over a decent sized tabletop and he ended up with a broken collarbone, bruised lung, and concussion.
Told my ex that we should strap down the hay. He didn't feel like it, said it would be fine. We get onto the freeway, and sure enough, there goes the hay. Cars are hitting it, running it over, plus losing the cost of it alone was a big enough sting.
And on and on and on....
You're an Adult?excited adult swim GIF by Rick and Morty Giphy
"Hey little bro, please read a room and stop doing your Rick and Morty impression where they make out, complete with tongue slurping and moaning. It's not as funny as you think it is and it makes people uncomfortable. Don't do it at work, for sure."
Two jobs later, he still hasn't learned. Yes, he's an adult.
Up in Flamesflame thrower fire GIF Giphy
I worked for an electrician, doing basic residential type work, and my buddy asked me to look at some electrical problems at his work, since it was on my way home. It was a bar/restaurant that had recently opened after being closed for years. He said one of the waitresses burned herself on one of the outlets in the bar.
The place was huge. It had three electrical panels, and all of them were overstuffed with 'extra' wires, fuses, extension cords, to where you couldn't close the panel doors. I said, "This is a fire hazard, you need to tell the owners to call a licensed electrical contractor immediately". He said the new owners couldn't afford it, but he would tell them. The NEXT NIGHT on my way back from work, the place was engulfed in flames, total loss.
He's so far....
That the people my brother suddenly started dating who demanded he cut every other person he's ever known out of his life were actually a cult and he should run far away. i mean he did move halfway across the world but also he's in a cult.
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Let me be real for a second.
Every time I listen to Bjork's "Unravel," my heart breaks a bit.
Have you ever listened to it?
It's on Homogenic, her third studio album, and it's incredible, passionate, smartly produced and a great showcase for her stupendous voice.
That song? An emotional rollercoaster, for sure.
There's tons of great music out there, though, and even more sad and gorgeous songs to discover.
People shared their thoughts after Redditor humanbear07 asked the online community:
"What song genuinely breaks your heart everytime you hear it?"
"Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice..."
"There's a few, but the isolated vocal track for Heart's 'Alone' is especially heartbreaking to me. Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice and her emotion really made that band."
Doesn't grow old.
There have been quite a few excellent covers of this one over the years, too.
"The first words give me chills..."
"Most songs by the late Jeff Buckley are sad on their own, and even more devastating in context. But the one that hits me the hardest is his cover of 'I Know It's Over' by the Smiths."
"The subject of the song is up for interpretation no matter what, but Jeff Buckley's premature death adds an element to it that seems to be about his life, whether he planned to or not."
"The first words give me chills the most— they happen after the classic reverby Jeff Buckley intro, the kind Hallelujah fans will be familiar with. He takes his time with this one, like he does with that."
No love for "Lilac Wine"?
It's clearly the best track.
"Ever since my husband..."
"'Merry Christmas, Darling' by the Carpenters. Ever since my husband Tom died in 2012, my heart breaks every Christmas since. We loved Christmas."
Karen Carpenter's voice hits differently when you realize how tortured her life was.
Gone too young.
"My Dad told me..."
"In My Life by The Beatles. My Dad told me when I was a teenager that he wanted it played at his funeral. I still can't listen, and when that day comes and I HAVE TO listen to it to honor his wish, I'm going to be a blubbering mess."
Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your dad.
"My grandmother died..."
"He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones. My grandmother died almost 20 years before my grandfather, and we played it at his funeral. Just typing this chokes me up a bit."
Songs have even more meaning (sometimes painfully so) when linked to specific moments in our lives, particularly the moments when we've lost people we care about.
"I'm not a Christian..."
"'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon & Garfunkel. Not a Christian, but when I hear it, I understand why people believe."
A beautiful song, and timeless, too.
"My sister's husband..."
"Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson. My sisters husband chose to have it played at her funeral. And yes he was a crappy husband and she died young in a car accident."
Sounds like art imitating life, no?
"He's an amazing songwriter..."
"Jason Isbell has so many it's honestly hard to choose one. Speed Trap Town, Decoration Day, Cover Me Up. He's an amazing songwriter."
I don't know him–it's time to look him up and see how I feel.
"I can already feel tears..."
"One More Light by Linkin Park. I can already feel tears coming to my eyes just by typing this."
Chester Bennington's death was such a shock.
His music lives on.
"My brothers passed away..."
"Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd."
"My brothers passed away in a car accident shortly after coming home from Afghanistan. Reminds me of them every time I hear it."
Sorry for your loss.
Hopefully hearing the song brings you peace.
Hearing a beautiful song can be an immensely moving experience.
And hearing a sad song can, for many people, help them cope with the pain of heartbreak better than they would have otherwise.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Unfortunately, a friendship could really end at any point in life.
Friends grow apart, but also, sometimes, it's just necessary to say goodbye to your relationship with a friend.
Maybe they aren't the right type of friend for you anymore, or maybe something has happened in their lives to make them self-destructive and toxic.
The reasons are many, and they are all sad.
Redditor monarchmondays asked:
"People who have unfriended their childhood friend/best friend, what happened?"
Here were some of those answers.
Bad Looking Out
"I was more-so the one who was unfriended. Was going to be the best man in his wedding. Saw his fiance out with another dude. Like on this dude."
"Told him, he told me I was wrong, Yada Yada. Things got heated. I told him I couldn't be his best man. Some years down the road, he caught her cheating."
"Called me up, asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I went. He apologized. I accepted, but we're still not friends."-TheMotorcycleMan
Friends Don't Control Friends
"He was a pathological liar, manipulative and told all of my most trusted secrets to everyone because he wanted to feel powerful and like he controlled me."
"Haven't spoken a word in 5 years and I have never looked back."-TheDandy9
Sometimes Life Is The Only Thing In The Way
"As soon as I left my hometown and my best friend growing up stayed, we both changed in opposite directions. He assimilated to the local lifestyle, quickly became friends with people he never got along with in school."
"I left, made new friends, found new things I liked. He started a family, I started a career."
"The final straw though was he RSVP'd to our wedding and then just didn't show. No text, no call, no anything. I think he was pissed that I didn't make him my best man after I was his best man, even though it was exactly because he wasn't reliable and made everything about himself that I couldn't do it."
"He caused sh*t at other people's weddings and I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would be inevitable. It did highlight though that growing up I was his best friend as a matter of convenience where I genuinely liked hanging out with him."-porscheblack
It's never fun or happy to lose a friend, but sometimes it's necessary for your healing process.
We've Reached The Point Of No Return
"I haven't unfriended her YET but I'm basically at the point where I'm sick of her drama, pettiness and 'main character syndrome.'"
"Anything that doesn't go her way is taken personally and if you disagree with her (or even have a preference that differs from hers) she will berate you into submission and 'agreement.'"
"And heaven forbid you have a life that doesn't consider her wants and desires. We're both 30, almost 31. I'm too old for that sh*t."-Deezus1229
When The Punches Come, I Go
"I met my ex-best mate in school, he had a little narcissistic personality, but I understood that and ignored his faults."
"In late Teens, we started drinking and partying as most do; this is when it became apparent that he had alcohol problems, forever being violent looking for fights, killing my good vibes, and getting me pulled into unwanted situations where I saved him or stopped him from beating on someone for no good reason."
"Throughout our life, he never attempted to fight me. He remained a pretty good friend to me until our first trip overseas to Asia; during our trip, he tried to coward punch me in the back of the head because I asked him to put out his cigarette that he had just lit."
"I asked him because we were seated in a restaurant surrounded by families, for some reason that angered him, I got up to leave and luckily heard him coming and avoided his punch, but he then tried to attack me further, which ended with us both on the ground and me on top of him while he shouted and went crazy."
"Eventually, police arrived and pointed a gun at both of us; luckily, they didn't shoot. Having foreign police aiming at me because my friend wouldn't calm down was one of the most scary moments in my life and that's saying something because I don't come from a easy upbringing."
"He was drunk, of course, and claims he doesn't remember, but there's no excuse to try and coward punch anyone, especially your best mate."
"I packed my bags that night and left our joint holiday plans in the dirt, traveling solo and having a blast. When I got back from my trip, I quit drinking myself and have remained sober for the last five years."
"Throughout that five years, I've had brief encounters with him, but our friendship was never the same. Unfortunately, my old friend never changed as he aged; he eventually went to jail."
"I work in hospitals and have seen him show up to the emergency triage, bashed with broken bones, and just a few months ago, he randomly knocked at my door where my wife answered, he was covered in blood."
"My wife went and woke me up; he had a stab wound and refused to go to the hospital; I drove him home and haven't seen or spoken to him since.. His brother updated me and said he was fine, whatever that means."-King-Callous
When He's A Predator
"I, a 5th grader at the time, knew this chick who was in the 7th grade dating a junior in hs. The dude thought she was 16 because she was lying about her age."
"They had been f**king and sexting and all that jazz...he didn't know she was a minor. I went and told him, and they broke up, and he was pissed... yada, yada yada..."
"They became friends again after a few years. When I was in the 8th grade, she called just so he could flirt with me 🤮. I was 13 then, and he was probably around 20. I blocked her real quick."-Cancerous0713
The End Of An Era
"Inseparable all through jr and HS. We graduated in 85 so no social media but I still feel ghosted. He stopped returning my calls, I always had to initiate and when we did get together he wasn't that interested."
"I gave it a few tries but I got the message and just stopped contacting him and he never reach out to me after that. I never new why and it took almost 10 years for me to get over it and stop thinking about it every day."
"I kind of wish he would have just told me he doesn't like me anymore. I have a current best friend I met in college and we've been friends for 30+ years so it's all good."-DreamArcher
There is never a right time to say goodbye to someone you once considered a trusted friend.
"My best friends young son was killed in a four wheeler accident. I was the first responding paramedic. I had to take him from my friends arms to work on him. Knowing he was dead the all along."
"We flex the child on Lifeflight then I drove my best friend and his wife to the hospital. I knew all along he was dead but they didn't. It wasn't his fault or mine that he died in any way but I could never look my best friend in the eye again."
"All I could see was his pain. So we drifted apart. I finally got to tell him and his wife before my friend died with heart trouble."-hotandhornyinbama
Secret Mental Health Leeches
"She started being nasty to my husband when we got engaged. It was so gross. She was snarky and rude to him every time he spoke and made him feel unwelcome in our own home."
"I kind of fell out of friend love with her after watching her behave like that. My mom thinks it was jealousy or something, idk. My husband is the most fun and caring person I've ever known, I expected her to be happy for me."
"In retrospect, I realized there were a lot of other red flag issues I had been ignorant of. It's been 3 years now and I am so much mentally healthier without the drama she was churning up."-ThunderHeavyRains
When Mom Damaged Her
"Had a friend I met pre-kindergarten but had a falling out in middle school. Families knew each other and we were like sisters. But sadly, her mom was a true definition of a Tiger mom. Her mom always pushed my friend to be in all of these extracurricular activities, music lessons, tutoring, etc. Her mom was always dissatisfied; nothing was good enough."
"She wasn't the most nurturing parent. But my parents were the opposite. Especially my mom, she just wanted me to be a good person and do my best. But naturally I was a very good student."
"So my friend's mom would always compare my friend to me saying I was better than her because I was naturally gifted and didn't NEED all of that help. My friend began to resent me."
"Throughout puberty, she would call me a slut because I was physically developing, tried to imply I was ugly just to see my reaction, threatened to punch me, things I understood where they were coming from but did not think were justified as I had not done anything directly to her."
"Final straw was when she posted on Facebook that she thought I was ugly so I just cut her off completely. I pitied her for her family life but her bitterness toward me was wrong. Because through my eyes, she was my best friend and all she wanted to do was hurt me. Don't regret cutting it off"-dookieconductor
The sad truth is that people are not always meant to be close, and that some people are too mentally unhealthy to have any kind of closeness in their lives.
Until they grow up, there is not much we can do but sadly step aside and take care of ourselves.
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Certain personalities show up at almost every party like clockwork.
There's always that person who get's too drunk, someone awkwardly standing in the corner nursing a drink, the person who's not having a good time no matter what and the person babysitting the crowd they came with.
When there's alcohol—or any other substances—and the pressure of a social situation, all sorts of quirks will come out. We wanted to know what people thought their country would act like if they were a person attending a party.
Redditor amotyvukufyd asked:
"All the countries of the world are at a party. What is your country doing?"
Here are some of the best and most hilarious answers.
The United Kingdom is just leaving.
"Not before slapping the knees and saying 'right.'"
"Northern Ireland looks nervously at her sister before putting her sunglasses on and following."
"As an American from the Midwest, we do a 'welp' knee slap. Then sit/stand for another 25 minutes before leaving."
"Then talk in the porch. Then talk in the doorway. Then talk in the driveway. Then talk out the car window."
"'Yuh, I guess.'"
"'See you around, I suppose.'"
"'Yuh you bet.'"
"Buzz of the window rolling up."
Argentina is in the backyard.
"Argentina is either playing football in the backyard with Brazil or aggressively telling whoever's at the grill how to cook a steak."
"Don't forget, they're also drinking fernet and coke, or even cheap wine and juice, out of a cut off bottle even though there were enough glasses for everyone."
"While listening to El Potro Rodrigo."
"For sure we're arguing with Texans over asado."
"Texas would also totally be there despite not being a country itself."
"Texas showing up to a party where only entire nations are invited is such a Texas thing to do."
Greece is making questionable choices.
"I'm Greek so I guess a lot of sex, wine and questionable financial decisions that will ruin us the morning after."
"At least you have your club of friends who will drive you home when you pass out. My country, Argentina, will spend the night borrowing money. When they finally kick him out, he'll have to walk home, broke and alone. And it will start to rain."
Poland fighting with Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine.
"Poland. In the corner with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, drinking vodka and fighting each other. Poland fighting Belarus and Ukraine fighting Russia."
"With some EU guys walking by with fancy drinks, dropping some concerns."
"And then Russia says 'Oh, you want some too?' And the EU guys turn and walk away."
"Then hours later writes a strongly worded comment to Russia's Facebook page. After spending 8 hours arguing over the exact wording."
Germany brings the beer.
"I'm German and I'd say Germany would complain about the taste of the beer."
"Germany should be bringing the beer. Please don't leave it to America who will bring some watery Coors Light!"
"Wouldn't they discuss politics too?"
"We so would! I was thinking about what we would do what wasn't absolutely cliché (like bringing the beer). I feel we would not only discuss politics but also rant about it. And other stuff. I feel ranting is really something we like to do. But also Germany would be drinking way too much and be completely fine the next morning..."
India is awkwardly dancing.
"India/that uncle dancing inappropriately in the middle of the dance floor."
"Not gonna lie, they got da best moves though."
"I was gonna say India would be that aunty gossiping about and judging others' outfits/looks, but this one is better."
The USA is just destroying things for fun.
"USA. Chugging beers and trying to smash a foldable table by jumping on it."
"I think the US would be like a really obnoxious frat dude that's also kinda fun. Like waaaay over the top bragging... but also did bring the weed. Then word gets around that he has a gun on him and it makes everyone uncomfortable, but he says it's just cause Russia and China are packing too."
"I figure we'd also be the one who obnoxiously insists on 'defending' every girl in the party- whether the girl wants it or not. Lots of 'do you wanna go?' energy, then trying to clean up any mess we make but just doing the absolute worst job of it while staying way, waaay too long after the party is over."
"We'd also get mad at China for stealing our famous brownie recipe even though we asked them to make it for us."
We aren't sure we want to be invited to that party.
Sounds like there's gonna be a lot of drama.
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Irrespective of men's sexual identity or preference, there are men who hate sports, and there are men who love musical theater. Do participating in either activity make men straight or gay?
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
"Advice I received in high school from other students:" "Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee." "When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist." "Never button the top button of your shirt."
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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