Being a parent is hard. Sometimes it's utter insanity, especially if you're the parent of some particularly "spirited" children. Take comfort, all you frazzled parents out there. I know it may feel like you're out on your own in the fringes of some alien universe sometimes ... but there are others out here with you. You're not alone. We all sometimes want to bash our heads in when it comes to the wee ones.
Reddit user @RatigatorStew asked:
Some of these are kind of hilarious after-the-fact ... but some are totally heartbreaking. Brace yourselves, you're in for a wild ride.
50. EWWWWWWWWWWWW
GiphyMy son at the time was 2 and was being potty trained. We were doing really well, not one accident in weeks. I was preparing dinner and he came walking into the kitchen with brown hands, face, and clothing.
I asked him what it was and long story short he had covered my entire sitting room, bathroom, bedroom and his bedroom in poop. I could have had a breakdown at the time scrubbing it off the doors bedding and my couch but now looking back at it it just makes me laugh.
But never again am I having another child 😁
49. No Party
I'm not a parent, but my siblings did it, and my parents were furious about it.
We had a good day, movies, restaurant, and anything that would make any day good, but we needed to go to the store for tomorrow, and it was for a friends birthday party, and so when we came in, my siblings (around 8 and 10, also built like literal tanks) charged the front door, and bolted off, we thought nothing of it, until we saw a small girl (around 3 1/2 years old) right in the door, where there trajectory was. At the last second, her mom pulled her out of the way, if not, they would have seriously hurt or killed.
48. In The Other's Shoes
Role reversal, I had run through my house with my car, and the first thing my father said upon seeing it was simply "you've got to be kidding me."
They probably wished I didn't exist at the time
47. Thank Goodness No One Heard
Obligatory not a parent, but according to my mom, this was a particularly embarrassing moment in her life as a parent. Apparently when I was around 5 years old, I was waiting in checkout at the grocery store with my mom, and we were behind some obese black lady. She was taking her sweet time so my obvious reaction was to say, "Move it or lose it fat*ss." Fortunately, I had said it quietly enough that nobody had heard or noticed.
46. Thank Goodness
Not a parent but sitting at my doctors office and a little girl who is maybe 4 just yelled out "I don't eat newborn babies!!!!" And her mom just sat there turning red and said "I should hope not." I'm willing to bet she is feeling a little of that "can I just stop being a parent now"
45. Hey Kid No Drinking Weed
Well I'm the kid here. They caught me growing herb. The funny thing was that their reaction was simply "cut it down otherwise it looks cool". But they are actually pretty strict parents, never understood that reaction.
44. I Just Want To Sleep
He is only a little over 2 so he hasn't done that many bad things but once, at about 1 and 10 months, he cried and shouted for 5 hours straight in the middle of the night.. We did everything we could but he wouldn't be quiet. There and then I wished I could put him outside and sleep.
43. EWWWWW SQUARED
He would take a water bottle to bed every night. And would fill it back up again during the night. With urine. And would never throw the damn bottles out. Cleaning his room I found over 30 bottles filled to some degree. I'm still in shock.
42. I Have No Answers. Just More Questions
My son woke up middle of the night with croup, cool can't breathe, so we head to the ER. Get in the waiting room and sit down and this messed up meth head comes in. Sits down about 6 chairs away from us.
Kid starts.
"Dad. Dad. Daaad"
"What [redacted]?"
"Can I ask you question?" He's loud talking at this point.
"Sure man, what?"
"Why's that woman soooooo UGLY!"
Luckily they call me back as soon as he says this but in that 10 seconds I just looked at him and though "why?" Lol
41. You Tried, Honey. You Tried
Painted my Harley with white latex paint. They thought they were making my bike "pretty" for Dad. Instead of freaking out I hugged them both, knowing that I could wash the paint off.
40. The Secondhand Anger
GiphyMy youngest had a tough time learning to read, and he hated writing. So second grade was pretty tough for him. He also has ADHD, so there was just way too much sitting down in school. One day he was mad at his (wonderful, patient) teacher for I've forgotten what, and he went to the bathroom and wrote "MrsTeacherName is a b word." He was eight. There was no doubt who wrote it. Another kid told on him, but he also signed it. I have had many calls from the principal, but that was the worst feeling because this teacher had really been going above and beyond to try to help him.
39. No Thoughts For Others
Not a parent but I witnessed this 4 year old cousin and me and my aunt are at a drive through and the attendant is trans. My little cousin VERY LOUDLY SAYS " Mommy, is that a man or a girl?" So much sigh
38. The Worst Alarm Clock
Not my son's fault at all but jesus was I pissed... My 3 year old crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night last week, woke me up by saying daddy daddy daddy right in front of my face and as soon as I open my eyes he puked all over me. All over the new comforter and sheets, and all over the carpet. So much stomach capacity in a 3 year old.
37. But Why
My then 8-year-old son stole $200 from my husband's wallet one night. When he overheard us talking about where the money went, he shredded it in the shredder to hide the evidence. He confessed a week later to me in tears. We were seriously broke at the time, so $200 was basically our grocery and gas money for the month.
We laugh about it now, but at the time I really was fed up.
36. A Taste Of A World Unneeded
I had been working for like 15 hours and came home and fell asleep with her on my chest. I woke up to her scraping her hand across my teeth after she had put it in her poopy diaper.
35. A Big Fan Of Fixing Things
Covered two rooms in Vicks Vapor Rub. The smell is what woke me from "our" nap. She clearly wasn't napping.
Rub desitin all over the TV because the DVD she was watching started to skip. Mommy TV had boo boo, its okay I fixed it.
34. Daddy's Daddy But Not In My Pretend World
When I was a kid my mum always picked me up from nursery. One day my dad showed up instead and apparently I screamed that I didn't know him and grabbed on to a table like he was trying to kidnap me. Queue a bunch of parents looking on in horror as a 6"4 man tried to drag a screaming 3 year old out by her ankles. In the end I think someone called my mum who had to come out of work early to confirm who he was.
33. It's All Kids
I was reading through my grandma's letters to my grandpa. In one letter she talks about spending hours getting the bathroom super clean, polishing everything in it and waxing the floor several times. Then in the middle of the night, my mom, then 3 years old, grabbed the Comet powder and shook the entire bottle out over everything. When Grandma woke the next morning and discovered this, she cried.
When I read this, I exclaimed, "ok, it isn't just my kids!"
32. Kids Don't Mix With Shopping Apps
My daughter figured out how to leave the kids' part of the amazon tablet and enter the regular amazon app. Where she proceeded to spend enough money to empty our bank account, put us $600 in the hole AND she had another $3,000 of merchandise in the amazon cart that wouldn't go through.
It took me some time to undo all of that.
31. Teenagers Can Be Even Worse
When my daughter was 13, she stayed with Grandma while her Mom and I went to a Van Halen concert. She was supposed to stay the night. We got home about 12:00 or so and listened to the phone messages. ( this was the 80's,before cell phones). It seems she waited for Grandma to go to bed, found her car keys, stole her car and crashed it into a tree down the street. No real injuries and police were not involved, but I realized then and there that I did not want anymore kids!
30. Roving Destruction Machines
GiphySomewhere between the time I discovered that it was my children who had scratched giant "X"s into the side of my year old lease car with a ball point pen, or the time I had woken up from a nap (turns out I had severe bipolar depression and I should not have been asleep because they were very young at the time but I literally couldn't stay awake) and they had found my nail polish and opened every bottle and painted my bathroom and carpeted closet with it.
29. Nom Nom Nom
Not parent but the kid, when i was maybe 3 we went to Door County, Wis. and bought a bag or 2 of expensive apples to bring home, a 7 to 7.5 hour drive. So when we get home I ask for an apple which my parents give me. Then they go upstairs for idk use your imagination and left me on my own.
So I grab the bag of apples and take a single bite out of EACH APPLE b/c to my 3 year old brain 1 bite of 15 apples is equivalent to 1 apple and line up each and everyone in a shelf and sit contently in the chair until about half an hour later my parents reappear and look in horror and shock at the row of apples with 3 year old sized bites in each one.
28. A Shattered Relic
My dad taught Kung fu for about 30 years. When I was young I tried to chop a stick with his favorite sword (didn't know that when I was 7) that was supposedly blessed by some monk or some famous martial artist. Needless to say, I shattered the sword. He still talks about that sword and it's been almost 20 years.
27. The Drug Store
My daughter, at age 4, accompanied me on some errands. First, the drugstore, the nursery, the bank and then the grocery. After checking out, the cashier says, "Miss, don't forget your change." My daughter turns around and says, "Don't give that to her--she'll just spend it on drugs!" That's when we started referring to it as 'Walgreens.'
26. Tweet Tweet Tweet
So I'll share that when I was real young (2-3?) my mom was carrying me to our hotel room and without any warning as she's walking past a fire alarm I stick my hand out and pull it. Then I look at her and go "Mommy listen to the birds!"
I don't remember any of this, but my mom reminds me of it frequently over twenty years later now.
25. A SAINT, An ANGEL
Not a parent, but a kid. Once when i was around 5-7 my angelic father was taking a nap and i had the bright idea to clean his ear with a Q-tip. Of course this startled him and his first reaction was to quickly bring his hand up to his ear, effectively shoving it clean through his eardrum. He was confused for a second as the blood began pouring down the side of his head and i quickly explained what happened. He sighed, got me in the truck, and we went to ER without him getting angry at me.
24. The Ebb And Flow
My 2 year old fed my 5 year old a carpet tack, and she swallowed it. This was the same day I found out I had melanoma. That was an expensive month. We're all fine now.
23. Just Look What You're Heading Toward
My 4yo son asked an obviously pregnant woman if there was "a baby in there". When she responded in the affirmative he shouted "Sucker!"
The look the woman shot me was enough to shiver me timbers.
22. A Dramatic Way To Solve The Problem
She threw herself down in the airport and screamed WHY DID YOU THROW ME ON THE GROUND MAMA?! WHY. In the midst of crowds trying to get to their terminals. She did this because we were carrying all the bags and she didn't want to walk the last 60 feet to our gate. I wasn't even touching her when she did this I have no clue why this was her response.
21. Freshly Buttered
My kids buttered our dog. You ever try to catch a freshly buttered chihuahua?
20. The Newborn Slap
My 4yr old daughter (at the time) slapped a 3wk old newborn across the face immediately upon meeting her.
19. Headbutting
I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have a 15 month old. For those who haven't been pregnant before, the first trimester is brutal for exhaustion. With my first, I slept 10 hours a night and took a 2 hour nap every day. These days I'm incredibly lucky if I get 7 hours a night, and definitely no nap.
So one day about a month ago I barely slept because I had insomnia at night and my kid relentlessly wakes up between 5:30AM and 6:30AM. I was dead on my feet, so I decided to try and lie down on the couch and maybe catch a cat nap while my kid played. He saw me lying on the couch, walked up to me and head butted me as hard as he could right in the bridge of the nose. I heard a crunch and could have sworn it was broken it hurt so badly. In that moment, I regretted every life decision that had led me to that point. My very mature adult response was to burst into hysterical tears and ask him why he's so mean to me. I think that freaked him out more than yelling would have.
18. Praying For The Goblin King
GiphyMy then 2 year old puked, which landed in my open mouth. I wished the Goblin King would come for him then.
16. "Down Boobies" Come With Age
When my then 3 or 4 year old daughter asked me very loudly why I don't have "down boobies" like the older lady in the swimming pool change room that was standing right next to us getting dressed
She actually laughed and said to enjoy my "up boobies" while I still had them but I was still dying inside...
15. "He's Not My Parent"
I had to take my wife to the emergency room early one morning for intense stomach pain. Our kids were 2 and 3, and it was about 1am so they went with us. I packed a bag with snacks and toys, and loaded everyone up. It was the middle of the night when we got there, but we still had to park a significant distance from the ER entrance.
When wife was back with the doc my son (2 years old) was running around and playing. He hit his bumped his his head lightly and started shrieking an ungodly banshee wail. I decided we would wait in the car and maybe drive around a little, and they'd hopefully go to sleep.
So I'm carrying the bag and two struggling angry demon-preschoolers the quarter mile to the car. At this point my son isn't shrieking, but he's not happy. We encountered an elderly couple and my daughter (3 years old) looks them dead in the face and says, "hey, he's not my parent." I was exhausted and frustrated and my arms were tired from carrying them. I didn't want to stop and have the conversation... and I panicked a little. I sped up, got to the car, loaded them up and left in a hurry. I didn't get arrested, though... I was glad at the time, now I'm kinda pissed that the old folks just let me go.
You had the look of a frustrated parent who has someone in the ER, not the look of a panicked kidnapper and your daughter's voice probably didn't sound sincere. So don't blame the old people.
You probably made a grimace and they instantly recognized it as "only a parent could be that annoyed by a comment and only their own kid would know exactly what to say to make them that annoyed"
TBH, I had never even considered that. I always just thought of it as the time I got away with kidnapping my own kids in 2007.
That does make me feel a little better about the role the elderly couple played in the worst morning of my life. Thank you.
14. Bride of Chucky
GiphyIt was early morning, and I was sleeping in my bed. My two year old woke up before me, and decided that she was going to wake me as well. She climbed out of her bed, went into the kitchen, made a set of stairs to get the kitchen knives, grabbed a knife, and headed to my bed. She climbed into my bed, and stabbed me an inch below my eye. I woke with her holding said knife over my head, and her giggling like the bride of chucky.
- dce42
A two year old!?!? Wtf aren't they still essentially rugrats?
Two year olds can walk, climb, talk, (sorta) and attempt both murder and suicide all in like the same thirty seconds.
Parenting a particularly wild one is a lot like spending twelve hours trying to dress a badger in a leotard.
13. Sandwiches
3 dozen half eaten sandwiches hidden around her bedroom.
If she'd told us she didn't like them, that would have been fine. but to hide them? Holy smokes.
12. Outlets
My son was about 7. He discovered my wireless hot glue gun from my craft room. I was using it that afternoon and stopped to make dinner. I didn't shut off the gun.
Of course I didn't get to my craft space till much.later and noticed it wasn't there. Turns out my son took it and hot glued all the electrical outlets he could find. I mean, ALL of them.
11. Shake? Shake.
My now-husband and I had been officially together for maybe a week (known each other for years, tho). I was driving his immaculately maintained and detailed truck. It was hot, so I went through sonic and got the 3yr old a small milkshake. I handed it to him. He asked "shake?", I confirmed "shake."
He shook it.
Ice cream everywhere in 90+ degree heat. The truck smelled like spoiled dairy for weeks regardless of how much cleaning we did.
10. Trying To Get Suspended
My son had severe separation anxiety when he was in kindergarten, which was only made worse by a fall at school that caused head trauma (concussion followed by a seizure.)
That entire year was full of multiple parent teacher conference about behavior. He is a smart kid, so he started to purposefully try to get suspended so he could be home with us. He took the smallest girl in his class and push her head into a brick wall. The school figured out his game tho and gave him in-school suspensions.
Several therapists, medication, therapeutic mentor, an IEP, Neuro psych testing, a "big" from big brothers big sisters and two years later and he is doing much better but is still a challenge. It's the most tiring thing ever but I love him and he is continuing to improve so hopefully in a few years he is fully in control of himself.
9. Power Rangers
GiphySo I'm the oldest of 6, with the youngest one being 2 and me being 18.
My six year old sister walked up to me and my mom in the living room the other day with one of those "I'm up to no good" faces. Her hands are behind her back and she starts laughing before she even has a chance to start talking.
Then, she brings forth her hands, displaying the battery, and proceeds to try and "stick them up mom's butt"
We asked why and she said, "If you stick a battery up your butt you become a power ranger."
It was hilarious the first couple times, but now we have to watch our backs as we never know when she is going to try and turn us into power rangers.
8. $200
My then 8-year-old son stole $200 from my husband's wallet one night. When he overheard us talking about where the money went, he shredded it in the shredder to hide the evidence. He confessed a week later to me in tears. We were seriously broke at the time, so $200 was basically our grocery and gas money for the month.
We laugh about it now, but at the time I really was fed up.
- landho54
7. The Raw Chicken Incident
When my daughter was 3 or so, the wife and I were cooking dinner and had some raw chicken out on the cutting board waiting to be prepped. We turn back to see our daughter moving her hand from the chicken to her mouth, but we were to late, and she licks her fingers.
Now, she turns out fine, so stay with me.
She ends ups projectile vomiting, with explosive diarrhea all through the night. Of course she wanted to sleep with us since she didn't feel good.
We ended up changing the sheets at least 4 times. Whats worse/better? She was laughing about it most of time, cause she got to stay up late.
She still laughs when we tell her about it. She is 15 now.
6. The Drug Store
My daughter, at age 4, accompanied me on some errands. First, the drug store, the nursery, the bank and then the grocery. After checking out, the cashier says, "Miss, don't forget your change." My daughter turns around and says, "Don't give that to her--she'll just spend it on drugs!" That's when we started referring to it as 'Walgreens' instead of the 'drug store.'
5. Amazon
She got a hold of a paint can during church... when we walked out of mass into the courtyard we found out what a good 'artist' she was becoming.
4. The Pot Luck Dinner
We had a lady at the church I used to go to that was severely obese - she had topped 500lbs. She also had the incredibly rude habit of pushing people out of the way with her motor scooter during any of the pot luck meals put on by the church.
My oldest is autistic (aspergers) and his filter when younger was... yeah let's be honest. There wasn't one.
So one Sunday at the dinner she, of course, pushes past people in her scooter cutting in line. My son frustratedly says "Hey don't eat all the food PLEASE!"
I was kind of stunned like....did that....did that come FROM HIM. She complained to the pastor later, but honestly I think pastor was kind of done with her and her rude family too. I honestly don't think my son meant it from a place of shaming and most likely didn't even notice her weight. He is just so damn blunt at times. If anything the cutting in line was more of a trigger then anything else.
- HKfukIt
3. Hot Mushroom Cleavage
During a wedding feast, my then 4 year-old brother tried to use chopsticks to pick up a "burning hot" mushroom and accidentally threw it directly to the cleavage of my mum (who was wearing a low cut dress). I'm never having kids.
2. The Risky Fart
Lost a bet on a risky fart and pooped the bed. We didn't find out until about a week and a half later. She'd just been sleeping in the bed like nothing was wrong the whole time. She said she forgot, but...it was very obvious and not something you would or could overlook. And it's not like my kids get in trouble for things like that and she was afraid. My wife is a nurse and handles stuff like that with pure compassionate-mom professionalism.
Just the other evening, I was walking home, and I barely survived.
I tripped on a dead tree branch.
The next thing I knew, I was flying in the air and landing on my back.
My belongings were strewn about.
And my to-go burger was dead.
A simple walk.
A simple dead branch.
And almost lights out.
Redditor Typical_XJW wanted to hear about the times people eluded death, so they asked:
"How did you almost die?"
Don't even get me started on any and every car ride.
We're always moments from the end on highways.
Back in the Day...
Hunger Games Student GIFGiphy"Almost drowned when I was 5 or 6, been hospitalized twice for sepsis between 2016 and 2019, and had a stroke this year. I'm 29."
ChristmasKid88
On the Disk
"MRSA infection in the disk on my lower spine between L5 and S1. Showed up two days after a cortisone shot but the hospital said it was from something else. Was in hospital 25 days multiple emergency surgeries."
EatA**FromBack
"I worked for a doctor who did these in-house and other procedures, and it 100% made me not trust medical facilities, cleanliness, and sterilization procedures. Had about twenty patients all come down with the same gut infection, 'coincidentally,' the same patients who came in for endoscopy procedures the same day."
dimlylit_
Saved
"Saving a younger friend from drowning, he panicked and almost took me out."
loztriforce
"Had that happen with a younger cousin when we were kids. His brother and I went to save him, he climbed on both of us and pushed us under. Lifeguard didn’t even see us until he pulled younger cousin out of the water, then we popped up gasping for air."
coffeejunki
Shucked
"16-year-old farm kid me, stepdad told me to go pick up a load of corn seed for planting. I had gone with him many times before, and driven the truck (full ton dually diesel) and hauled light stuff with it. Nobody told me how different it is to haul 10,000 lbs of seed on a big flatbed trailer on gravel. I had a lot of common sense and was driving slowly and carefully."
"Still… 10,000+ lbs pushed me down a gravel hill skidding, praying to god I stopped before the stop sign at the T intersection to a busy highway. I came to a grinding halt JUST as the front of the truck crossed the plane where the gravel turned to asphalt. A semi was coming from one direction and regular cars from the other. I shudder thinking about what if on that one. Don’t let untrained kids tow potentially deadly, heavy trailers, with zero training."
datnetcoder
Finding Tracks
College Sports Sport GIF by Sealed With A GIFGiphy"Was backwoods camping in Yellowstone and if I hadn’t considered for 30 seconds if I REALLY needed to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I would have walked out of my tent headfirst into a brown bear, which I heard before leaving and found tracks of next to my tent in the morning. Spookiest moment of my life in hindsight."
danvo5
Bears are a no go for me.
Camping is an even bigger HECK NO!!
Several Strikes
Reassuring Jimmy Fallon GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonGiphy"Twice. 1. Woke up to my apartment on fire."
"2. Hit head-on by a drunk driver on a small bus, just after everyone got off bus exploded."
lizard_king0000
Oh Barb
"Lmao okay, so I was getting my teeth cleaned, and I got nitrous oxide because I have so many exposed roots. Well, my hygienist at the time was this lovely lady from Minnesota. Kinda flaky, but super sweet, and talked about her family all the time. So I'm in the chair and she hooks up my mask, and away we go. I actually fell asleep! Except not so much."
"Turns out Barb had forgotten to turn the oxygen on and had been feeding me straight nitrous. She only noticed because I started gasping for air while unconscious. So that's how I almost died at the dentist. I never saw Barb again, but I tell you, that was the best nap of my life!"
CharismaticAlbino
Climb Up
"I was snorkeling. I had my other stuff stored on a rock by the water, about 3 meters high. When I got out, I decided to climb straight up. Almost at the top, the rock I was hoisting myself up on came off and I fell back first onto the coral. If a friendly wave hadn’t come in, I would have broken my back, at least."
Yugan-Dali
Blood Loss
"I was diagnosed with a rare fatal blood disorder from birth, doctors projected I’d live till about 6 and then die from massive blood loss. As this was the mid-90s, they tested the idea of using stem cells from my sibling's umbilical cord; administering the first successful stem cell transplant from a sibling donor and I’m still here to tell the tale!"
Material_Cry1697
These were some tremendously close calls.
Do you have any near-death experiences to share? Let us know in the comment below.
