Don't lie to your lawyers, people. It's just not a good idea.
For most people, the only experience they'll have with the inside of a court room is binge watching one of the many, many, many Law & Orders. So it's easy for the average person to not realize just how important the tiniest detail can be for the outcome of a case.
Reddit user the-legendary-taco asked:
So judging by what we see here, sometimes cases do actually hinge on seemingly insignificant details - but more than that, they hinge on your lawyer not being totally blindsided by something in court... and on people not doing anything stupid.
Turns out that second part is way harder than you'd think. The comments devolved pretty quickly from "they left out this detail" to "OMG YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS THING THEY DID."
Enjoy the laughs!
He neglected to mention that he filmed his offences for his YouTube channel. The cops didn't even know. A witness brought it up on day three of a trial. It was a nice quick change of plea that afternoon.
A friend of mine is a lawyer and he said that a client once turned up to court in the actual same outfit he was wearing in the burglary.
When the CCTV footage come up in Evidence, the client looked down to himself and was like "oooooh sh*t"
Lol. A friend of mine's client showed up to their court session with no shirt on at all. Luckily she had her husband's dry cleaning in the car and he was able to wear one of his. She truly wondered how he thought showing up half nude was going to convince the judge he was an upstanding member of society.
Right Here, BudGiphy
Not a lawyer yet, but I clerked for a DA's office throughout law school. Obviously we don't have "clients," but I'll never forget this kidnapping case I worked on.
It involved two Asian male defendants who were both the same age and looked relatively similar. Witness is on the stand and is asked to identify where the defendant who pushed an uzi into his face is seated. It's clear the witnesses is having trouble differentiating the defendants.
In a true moment of brilliance, one defendant RAISES HIS F*CKING HAND and basically points to himself like "right here bud." Hands down the dumbest sh*t I'd ever seen. I thought his defense attorney was going to have a brain aneurysm.
Client in family law matter lied to me about using meth. Then used meth with the child in the room and the ex got footage of it on the nanny-cam and then made excuses about why they couldn't do a drug test, then blamed me when they lost custody... despite the fact that they didn't show up to appointments or return my calls so I couldn't prepare any court material.
I dumped the client after that and left family law.
The Child's Name
Not my case (which is a gift from above, really) —
Civil trial before a jury for injuries and prop damage from a MVA, and punitive damages because defendant was intoxicated at the time of the accident (let's call defendant... DUI).
... Almost doesn't need to be said but, before DUI ever stepped foot in court, they would've been prepped repeatedly (first for the deposition and then for trial testimony) with the "standard" questions — were there any prior incidents, arrests/convictions, anything that can be used to impeach any of DUI's testimony, yada yada - over HOURS. Denies everything and is as clean as a clean whistle.
Thus, at trial, defense counsel (DC) puts DUI on the stand to give them an opportunity to tell the jury of their contrition for this one-time error in judgment, describe the difficult time DUI was going through at the time, and otherwise show themselves to the jury as an upstanding member of society in order to reduce punitive damages. It goes well.
Then Plaintiff's counsel (PA) gets to cross — I'm going to paraphrase what allegedly happened next, which is purely hearsay.
PA — Earlier, you testified that this was a one-time mistake and you've learned your lesson... is that correct?
DUI - Yes.
PA — Isn't it true that you've already been convicted of DUI in another state?
DUI sits silent as DC immediately objects but it's properly overruled and DUI must answer. Since what happens next is impeachment, I'll skip the objections but suffice to say they were being fired off as rapidly as a machine gun, and just as rapidly overruled.
DUI - Yes.
PA - and isn't it true that, in your prior DUI, a child died?
you can imagine what's happening in the courtroom and, most importantly, amongst the jury
And you think it's over: stick a fork in DUI - it's done... But then, PA goes for the jugular, "Do you remember the name of that little child that you killed while you were driving while intoxicated?"
(IMO, this question is one for the ages - more powerful than the old "when did you stop beating your wife" - because no matter how you answer...)
... And that is why you never, ever lie to your attorney.
On Company Time
Employment law matter. Client claimed to have been unfairly dismissed over bogus performance management.
The real reason: he organized via Craigslist to have someone collect a box of his semen from a children's playground. There were explicit messages from him asking what they did with it, and whether they rubbed it all over themselves. The employer provided us the messages; he was doing this on company time.
I'm a public defender in an area with lots of meth use. Meth makes most people talk. A lot.
So I can't tell you how many clients forget to mention that they got to the jail still high and called their mom/girlfriend/buddy on the recorded jail phone and not only confessed to the crime, but also brainstormed whatever alibi or version of events I'm relying on to defend them.
Case as a paralegal.
Negligence case, client argued that a lack of street lights and a cyclist he couldn't see was responsible for him hitting a wire pole.
Upon discovery, the first respondent's report indicated that they found the driver in the driver's seat, pants down, with porn playing on the phone.
Wasn't difficult to figure out who was negligent at that point.
The A/C Unit
Friend of mine is a defense attorney. He was representing a guy with a lengthy record for assault. Basically, this guy took an A/C unit and threw it at his girlfriend.
My buddy tells me he was able to get a plea deal for 1 year probation no jail time. The judge is all ready to accept the deal when he asks the defendant if he had anything he would like to say. The defendant responds," Yea I don't know why they charging me with assault I never touched her. I just threw and A/C at her. This is bullsht."
Judge rescinded plea deal because of defendants attitude/lack of remorse, went to trial and got a year in jail.
Takes One To Know One
Lawyer in the UK. I acted for a member of a famous pedophile-hunting group. My client was charged with various offences relating to his vigilantism, most seriously, causing grievous bodily harm with intent.
He wanted me to fight the case on a public interest defense point that is not available to him in statute or at common law -contrary to my advice. I followed his instructions as I'm bound to do.
"If the state won't punish pedophiles properly then it's left to men like my client to take the law into their own hands!" - a horsesh!t argument for a whole host of reasons.
His laptop was seized by police and submitted for forensic examination. He had a staggeringly huge database of child pornography on it.
He himself was a massive pedo.
Choose Your Weapon
Opposing counsel: Isn't it true you hit Victim in the face with a brick?
Client: No. Marcus hit him with the brick. I hit him in the back with a piece of wood.
The Mask Slipped
He'd sent a photo of his wife's beaten face to his wife with a message saying something along the lines of this "Do you want this to happen again?"
He came across very well in court up to that point but his mask slipped when that came out.
Minor traffic cases can be the worst for this, believe it or not, because they are short and simple and often times the client isn't there, so if you get blindsided by something critical there's often no chance to consult with them to turn things around.
I had a simple speeding case, 70mph in a 55. No big deal, if she does a driving improvement course they court will usually dismiss or reduce those, since her driving record wasn't bad.
When I showed up for her, I found out that she had been driving 70 up an unplowed snow lane, to get around all the others cars traveling in the lane that had been plowed because they were driving too slow. I didn't know it was even possible to drive 70 on fresh snow. The officer stated he'd already cut her a break by not writing the ticket for reckless driving, and the judge politely agreed he didn't feel comfortable reducing it under those circumstances. When I called her up after court to confirm, she did, claimed she'd just forgotten to mention it. Now maybe I've lived too much of my life in the South, but that just boggles my mind as a detail you'd forget when hiring a lawyer for that incident. I would have told her in advance that hiring us was a waste of money, not to mention the hassle of taking an 8 hour class, and she should probably just go ahead and pay this one. I legitimately do that all the time during consults; give my honest assessment if the case is even worth doing, and so by omitting that detail she harmed herself for no reason. At least she took it well and didn't get defensive.
Credit card theft/fraud case. When I was a young lawyer back in the late 80's I was trying this guy on a cc case and the witness was the department store clerk. Before video surveillance the state relied heavily on witness identification. As she described the "customer" that was purchasing the very unique clothing her store sold I asked her how could she be so sure it was my client. She looked at my client who was wearing the most obnoxiously yellow shirt imaginable and said "because not only does he completely match the description I just gave you but he's wearing the exact same shirt I sold him." The jury convicted him and I learned that day to better prepare my clients for trial.
So the case was, that Woman A had hit Woman B in the head with a heavy beer pint at a bar, and Woman B got pretty serious injuries. The defense claimed that Woman A had not hit anyone with the pint, but instead had just thrown the pint into a random direction, and it happened to hit B in the head, thus it was an accident and not a battery. Well, the prosecution had a CCTV tape from the bar, and it was shown at the trial..
And the tape CLEARLY showed in HD as A walked behind B, and smashed the pint to her head so hard that the pint shattered on impact..
I looked at the defense lawyer and his jaw literally almost hit the table. The prosecutor also noticed this and asked something along: "Thrown, eh?" And the defense lawyer said that due to technical difficulties he couldn't get the CCTV tape open on his computer when he was reviewing the evidence. Woman A was found guilty.
So yeah, I was completely dumbfounded.
Too Stupid For People's Court
I used to work at a big health insurance company, which started up a company softball league. I started up a team for my division - Major Accounts.
Lots of people wanted to play, so we had a big co-ed roster. I asked everyone to pony up $25 for a jersey and towards soft drinks, which I'd buy, chill and bring to each game.
Because there was so many people on the team, I had to alternate who played defense each inning. One guy didn't like it, and got mad that he couldn't play center field every inning. So he decided on the next time he went in to let a couple of easy fly balls hit to him go past him on purpose for a home run. This guy was a clerical level employee playing with VPs and SVPs - not a smart career move.
So I benched him for the rest of the game / as in I didn't let him play defense. Two days later he serves me with papers, that he's quit the team and is suing me for $25. I say this is dumb, you should just play and enjoy having fun after work with the people you work with...
A week later I get a call from The People's Court. They're interested in putting this on TV but want to know more. I tell them the story and they say this is too stupid even for them. So they pass.
Court day arrives, and the guy makes his case. I take the stand. The judge first says "why haven't you settled this?" I say there's nothing to settle. He asks me a a couple more questions and then asks "so you kicked him off the team?" And I say, no - he quit. I asked him to stay on the team." The judge says "I've heard enough, ruling for defendant."
The weeks later the company CFO comes up to me and asks when is it going to be on The People's Court? I had to say it's not going to be, because they thought it was too stupid.
Next round of layoffs, that guy is at the top of the list. I'd guess he's still a loser.
Prosecuting a guy who is claiming "Back injuries". He posted pictures of himself holding strippers on Facebook the day after his "injury".
A commissioner referred a guy to me because I speak the guy's language and do that kind of law. It was a protection order case. Guy was asking for a protection order against his girlfriend that had tried to stab him. I met the guy talked to him.
He seemed sketchy but he had decent answers to all my questions. I decided to represent him. Submitted declarations and exhibits.
His girlfriend responded that she was the victim and claimed police arrested wrong person. I met with him again and went over the accusations. I asked him... have you ever hit your girlfriend? He answered no. We went to court. I made my argument. I felt confident.
But commissioner requested "permission" to question my client.
Question 1: "Have you ever hit your girlfriend?" My client answers no. Never.
Question 2: "Have you ever tried to hit girlfriend?"
Answer: "Yes, many times. I even tried to straddle her in a chair but she moved ducked squirmed and eventually escaped."
Grandpa Tries To Pull A ScamGiphy
My grandfather was the client in this very situation. He left my grandma after 20 years of marriage to be with his high school sweetheart. He and my grandmother had lived in the home my great-grandmother (grandmother's mother) gave to my grandmother. Grandfather had later been added to the deed when they did a home improvement loan because he was the earner and grandma was a housewife.
My grandfather told his divorce lawyer that the house had been HIS mother's home that he inherited and my grandmother had moved in our whole family to make it uninhabitable for him. He then changed the story to say that he and my grandmother were gifted the home jointly. He also went on and on with wild stories that my grandmother was a mafia boss, despite the fact that we are not in Vegas, not of a nationality known for organized crime, and not rich.
The lawyer accepted all of this as fact with zero proof and even went so far as to harass my grandmother's lawyer about how she was knowingly representing a criminal. There were even papers filed to sue my great-grandmother for mortgage fraud and all sorts of other bogus suits, again, filed solely on my grandfather's word.
After mediation, wherein my grandfather wanted to to sell the home and split the money after paying his legal fees, keep both cars, pay no alimony, etc., we go to court. My grandmother's lawyer hands over one thing - the home improvement loan application wherein he listed my grandmother as the sole owner of the property and listed my great-grandmother as the previous owner. The judge was livid and my grandmother walked away with far more than her lawyer thought was possible.
Lawyer here. And it wasn't my client, but the other side. But he managed to completely torch himself.
I was representing a client in a child support modification. Her ex husband was seeking a reduction in child support based on reduced income. In California, when the County is involved in child support collection and enforcement, the parties and their attorneys meet with the County's attorney to see if the matter can be settled with a guideline order. That initial meeting is where it went off the rails for this guy.
Having not received most of ex husband's pleadings for this matter, I asked the County attorney for a copy, and she provided them. In reviewing them, I noted he was residing in a townhouse in a part of Southern California that is not exactly inexpensive, and yet was claiming that his rent was only $200 per month.
I asked him how he is paying only $200 per month rent on a townhouse, and he said he is subletting and collecting $3,000 per month from other tenants. I tell the County attorney that it sounds like rental income to me, she agrees, and the guideline calculation ends up almost tripling the child support he was already paying (and trying to reduce.)
At this point, he asks if he can dismiss his motion. No, says County attorney - we are all here, case goes forward.
Go before the Judge. The Judge sees the papers, hears the testimony about his rental arrangement, decides to be nice and give the guy some credit for rental management expenses, but otherwise attributes to him a bunch of rental income and orders nearly tripled child support.
Defense attorney. Friends case. Prosecution for participation in a criminal gang/RICO. Week long jury trial.
On Tuesday, Gang Expert is testifying on the gang colors as being XXXX. And that they often wore a certain team XXXX jersey. No family/friends were watching this testimony.
Days pass. They were set for closings at 9 on Friday. His family and friends all come to support him at closing arguments, but they came swagged out in the colors and jerseys the gang expert just testified represented the gang.
My buddy calls me on Bluetooth from the parking lot:
"You gotta be f*cking kidding me. I pull in, twenty mother f*ckers standing outside the doors. All wearing their colors, and xxxx jerseys. The jurors are all walking past them. Hold on, prosecutor is calling me"
"Yeah, she is calling me laughing her ass off from her car. Can't make this sh!t up. I mean do I really need to tell people this kind of sh!t? Like your boy/son/baby daddy is charged with participating in a gang; let's all refrain from wearing that gangs colors and sh*t to trial."
Kid got a few decades.
Short of having a shopping addiction, no one actually likes spending money on stuff.
Why would you ever willingly give it away? It's your money!
Which might be why it feels so bad when you have to spend money of something that should be free from the beginning. People/ corporations are going to chase that cheddar, though, so there's little you can do besides complain, which frankly might be the best thing the internet is for.
"What should be free?"
Let's get these out of the way first...No, let's get this first one out of the way first.
Hidden fees are the worst.
Hidden. F***ing. Fees.
"Transaction/processing fees when you order a digital product online. Such as a concert ticket, where you pay 6 euro extra while you pay online, and have to print the ticket yourself."
"Or processing fees to pay bills that you need. Duke energy charges a $7 processing fee for you to pay your energy bill. Like wtf."
Pay To Pee
"Public bathrooms! The amount of human piles of poop around because the homeless have no where to relieve themselves!"
"Live in a very tourist-y part of the U.K., all public toilets charge and most cafes/pubs/libraries won’t let people use their toilets. As someone who lives here year round it’s really frustrating and doesn’t seem to make sense."
Want A Better Society? Educate Them.
"College. Or at the very least, college APPLICATIONS. If you're gonna require it for most careers, atleast make it accessible for people. And I just think it's stupid that people have to pay to get rejected."
"Oh god I hate that so much. Same with applying to apartments it’s such a waste of money if you don’t get approved. It racks up quickly too."
It does feel grimy when "official documentation" that is "mandatory" has to be bought and paid for not by the people requiring it, but by the people needing it.
Forcing Us To Pay For Something We're Forced To Have
"ID cards issued by the government. Especially since you need them for almost every aspect of daily living."
"I'm not the biggest fan of free stuf but having to pay for a piece of paper that says "I exist" is ridiculous."
It'll never not feel bad having to pay for something we expect to be free, but it feels ten times worse when it's something you need to get by in life. As in, need to live.
Let's All Agree To Take Care Of Each Other
"All base needs up to a level. I mean stuff we need to survive, eg. power, water,... and things we are required to use to be relevant in daily life internet,..."
"Seeing how now power companies are fuel companies are having THE biggest profit in years while more and more families are pushed into bigger and bigger deths just to get by."
"Same goes for internet tbh, poor kids are just not getting by in school becasue they lack the basic stuff every other kid has to get further in life. I am not saying they need the fastest possible internet with unlimited dl, but give them so they can work for school so the vicious cycle can be broken."
We Need It More Than Anyone
"All mental health services. If you don’t have benefits or a VERY good paying job, they are unaffordable for how often most people really need them. At $120-160/ session even once a week is not affordable for most people these days"
A Fine Line Between Need And Want
"Drinking water, sure. But water is an expendable resource and it should honestly be more restricted when we think about cases like people watering their lawns."
Paying To Live
"Insulin. People are dying because of greedy pharmaceutical companies."
"But We're 'Pro-Life'" - Jerks
"Birth control of all kinds."
"For anyone who b*tches about spending taxpayer money, I'd ask whether it costs more to provide condoms or to house prisoners."
"Giving birth (In the us)"
"As a female US citizen the more I learn about the whole giving birth sh*t the less I want kids. My friend just had a baby, there were some complications. She is now paying off a 14k hospital bill! The lowest I have hears is 8k. 8k just to have a f-cking kid! For a country that is gung-ho about forcing women to have kids they have missed the mark completely."
Everyone is looking for their payout, and unfortunately sometimes we're the ones who have to give it to them, whether it makes sense or not.
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The worst part of having breasts is Florida.
I didn't even say large breasts. Just breasts, any breasts. Florida and breasts are mortal enemies sworn to battle one another into oblivion until the end of days.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is HardioGIF by VIASWEATGiphy
"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
Two Volcanosrachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy
"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
ExpensiveHappy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
Attempted MurderBlack Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy
"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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There are humane ways to tell someone to go home after a... liaison.
How can one be so rude after being so intimate?
I'm not saying you have to snuggle and profess love, but damn, a quick... "thanks, I hope life is kind to you" goes a long way.
Redditor sumyungdood wanted to hear the tea about the times they had to tell a lover to take a hike. They asked:
"What is the worst way someones asked you to leave after sex?"
Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
A Late RunTom Hanks Running GIFGiphy
"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
YummyHungry Taco Bell GIFGiphy
"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?Seduce Dustin Hoffman GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy
"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
GrossParis Hilton Reaction GIFGiphy
"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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Most couples are inseparable and enjoy doing everything together, thanks in part to shared mutual interests.
But on occasion, some people in relationships go off in pursuit of one-sided pleasures in secret for various reasons.
These can range from going out to a vegan restaurant when the other person is a carnivore to seeing a Netflix show that is too violent for a squeamish significant other.
Because not every significant other may not share the same passion, Redditors TheTinRam asked:
"What’s a guilty pleasure you hide from your significant other?"
These Redditors needed some "me time."
"Everytime I go on a late night grocery run (once or twice a month) because I work nights, and my wife forgot to grab whatever, I add a $0.70 Mexican soda to the cart. It is just for me. It is something my dad used to get me on especially long days when I was a kid 'helping' him on jobsites. It is my tiny reminder of him."
Story For No One
"I write stories for years now, some of the times she thinks I'm working on the computer but I'm actually writing a story. There is nothing to hide but I just keep it to myself, none of my family members know I write stories. Till today I have written 56 stories (most of them are short)."
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
"Staying up late for peace and quiet."
Chatting For One
"I talk to myself all the time, I was actually wondering last night if it was a really weird thing to do lol"
Naked And Sacred
"I will cruise the house butt naked and just do whatever the hell I want. About once a month. I won’t be able to this summer because the kids will be back in school, but come August, I’ll be naked and free again!"
Some people need to get out of the house.
"Sometimes I take the long way home and talk to myself in the car about my 'problems' - like Self Therapy. I put one earbud in so ppl think I could be on the phone."
"I get quite animated. It helps to get a stressful day out of my system before I get home and switch gears."
"My husband has gluten sensitivity. If he eats regular pizza, his stomach hurts for a couple of days after."
"Well, I don't, so sometimes I say I'm going for a run, and I do run.... to the pizza store, eat a slice, and run back."
Catching Up With The Boys
"Covid has messed it up for a bit now. But every 3 or so months the boys and I all get up like we are going to work at our respective jobs but instead all call in sick and meet for breakfast, then go back to our one buddies place for the day to hangout. Around 4 or 5 one by one we all head home for our normal arrival time."
"It's literally the only way for us all to get together reliably. Most of us have known each other for the better part of 30 years now, going way back to junior kindergarten for some."
"Twice I have let her know my plan for the day and twice I have gotten phone calls to come home early for what ever not some emergency. So now we do it secretly."
Some of the things people do behind their SO's backs is for endearing reasons.
"I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure necessarily but I pretend to be asleep when he comes home from work because he always kisses me on the forehead."
"I love when she snores."
"She complains (only lightly) about my snoring all the time, and I always feel awful that I make it tricky for her to get a good night's sleep. When she's snoring, I know she's actually going to rest well, and it makes me happy."
Scent Of A Man
"Smelling his clothes. Not creepily, like his boxers. But when he lets me borrow a shirt or a sweater I’ll put it on and just revel in the smell of him on his clothes. If I recall correctly, it definitely wasn’t like this when we first started dating. It’s been over two years now and I only remember doing this around the 7 month mark. He smells really, really good."
The Forever Admirer
"I have a whole album of 'unflattering' pictures of her. Not really something I hide, but they make me happy. She’s so silly yet so beautiful."
They say that a couple that plays together, stays together.
That's all well and good. However, a significant other having some alone time should never be stigmatized.
My husband and I usually watch every TV show together, but I watch Netflix's Ozark by myself because I enjoy intense dramas, immensely.
It's not a secret. And he's glad I watch the shows that I want to watch on my own time–just like I encourage him to watch all those UFO documentaries that he's obsessed with, by himself.
No really, watch them without me.
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