But in the land of not make-believe–where real-life people are litigious without hesitation–what would happen if these evildoers had a proper day in court?
That is something Redditor Lukegamer2 explored by asking strangers online:
"Lawyers of Reddit, what Disney or Pixar villain would you have the easiest time defending?"
Were these villains guilty of just being unpopular?
Ratatouille's Hot-Tempered Sous Chef
"Chef Skinner."
"I'd almost feel guilty charging money defending this case."
– ksozay
Secondary Pirates Antagonist
"I think Cutler Beckett never technically broke the law since he had the governor writing loopholes for him when hunting down the pirates in Pirates 2 and 3 so Cutler Beckett. I wouldn't even need to do anything."
– User Deleted
Brat Story
"Sid. No one is going to charge a kid destroying toys with a crime."
– theassassintherapist
"Sid was genuinely horrified to learn that toys were alive. The boy legitimately did nothing wrong."
– Slant_Juicy
Placement On The Food Chain
"Kaa, Finding Nemo's barracuda, the Lion King's Hyenas, and similar 'villains.' They're just trying to eat. Sorry nature put the protagonist on the menu."
– ccReptilelord
These characters were definitely wicked, but would the judge grant leniency for their indiscretions?
The Master Of Deceit
"Jafar. Separate from the law of Agrabah being super interesting to learn about, his actions tend to be more deceitful than outright illegal, except where he became sultan, and therefore may have had immunity. Magic seems to be not super common, so there may not be any laws regarding coercion by magic. Separate from assaulting Aladdin, who he never actually managed to hit outside the Cave of Wonders, I’m not sure there are a lot of outright laws he broke."
– begoniann
The Super Jealous Uncle
"Scar, the only evidence was a coerced confession while a deadly weapon was held to his throat."
– Anonymous4mysake
The Case For Gaston
"In Beauty and the Beast, Gaston ate four dozen eggs daily when he was a child. That’s fourty-eight eggs a day. As an adult he adds another dozen, tallying up to sixty eggs a day. This is nothing short of genocide."
"My theory for why Gaston is beloved by the townsfolk is that some time prior to the start of the movie, France was overrun with poultry. Helpless at the claws of the chickens, the people of France were preparing to abandon their country, when a lone child stepped forward. 'I’ll eat the eggs,' a young Gaston bellowed, 'And I will save our homeland.' And so it was, Gaston ate and ate until he was roughly the size of a barge. How the cholesterol didn’t kill him can only be attributed to his inhuman fortitude. This is where the story turns tragic."
"What Gaston hadn’t accounted for was developing an addiction to the eggs. As he aged, he ate more and more, and with the chicken-crisis over, his addiction began costing him financially. There’s a scene during Gaston’s song where he motions to a wall full of his hunting trophies. But why are they there? Does he own the bar? No, he sold them for egg money. The fact he never brings up his egg addiction or his prior heroism can be attributed to another one of Gaston’s defining character traits: his struggle to be emotionally open, and his modesty. It’s not easy being the man who saved France."
"I think the saddest scene is when Belle shows Gaston the book, and he holds it upside down. See, Gaston seems brutish, but remember - his entire childhood was spent eating eggs. He didn’t have time for an education; he sacrificed his upbringing for his countrymen. He can’t even hold a book correctly. What Gaston wants to say, what he’s struggling to articulate, is 'Belle, I’m dying. A life long diet of a quite frankly insane number of eggs has left my body bloated with tumors. Before I shove off this mortal coil, I want children, who might experience a world without the oppression I have suffered.' Belle cruelly mocks him, which goes to make you wonder who the real beast is."
"When Gaston sees the Beast in the mirror, two thoughts run through his head. First, he sees his countrymen in danger once more, and despite being riddled with egg-tumors, wants to lead the masses to one last charge of glory since fighting for France is all he knows. Second, he realizes Beast’s head is about a month’s worth of egg-money. So he sieges the castle, and in one of Disney’s most tragic moments, plummets to his death."
"Another reason Gaston wants to marry Belle is because, as mentioned above, all he knows how to do is to fight for France and its people. Gaston saw Maurice as a genuine danger, and he’s not wrong; consider the hellish contraption Maurice created. One look at that war machine and Gaston hatched a plan; marry Belle, and get close enough to Maurice to talk him down. Mind you, he did love Belle, and wanted to be the father of her children, but the danger presented by Maurice forced his plan into action immediately. When that fell through, he had no choice but to throw Maurice in the asylum (something marrying Belle would have fixed, since he would once again be close enough to Maurice to influence him). All in all, the failure was one of articulation."
"Gaston is the protagonist of Beauty and the Beast."
– The_Gutgrinder
It's all about the accomplices here.
Reduced Sentence For Mr. Snoops
"Mr Snoops, from The Rescuers. Definitely guilty of being an accomplice to the kidnapping of a child, but I could get a reduced sentence based on the fact he wanted to end the scheme earlier and cut their losses on other precious gems that Penny had recovered. He also looked out for Penny's safety and prevented her from dying before Medusa came to the scene to force her to recover the Devil's Eye on pain of death."
– res30stupid
Court Comedy
"Yzma if only because that means Kronk would have to testify under oath. And you know he would be a blast to watch in court."
– inksmudgedhands
We don't know how lawyers would actually approach the case if they represented these characters.
But one thing is certain. It would make for a great spin-off of Law & Order–Fairytale Crimes.
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Redditor BrunoDeFarnese wanted to hear about all the stories that still haunt lawyers. They asked:
"Reddit lawyers, what is the scariest thing a client has confessed/said to you?"
I've always wondered about this. It happens in movies. But does it happen in real life?
Unbearable
Sad Season 9 GIF by The OfficeGiphy"I once had a client’s mental state deteriorate over time. They went from relatively normal to complaining of ghosts in their home and their house being bugged in a matter of months. It was equal parts scary and very sad to watch it happen."
ghostdogtheconquerer
The Worst
"Their murders."
berklythrowaway
"Admission of guilt to your lawyer makes it harder to defend a client, at least where I practice, that takes any defenses off the table where you argue they didn't do it. So now you not only have the trauma of knowing these details, they've also made your job way harder."
Disruptorpistol
Criminal Law
"Had a client who was charged with assault with a deadly weapon against his wife. He had a few past charges that were similar. Fairly typical domestic violence situation. He claimed it was blown out of proportion, yada yada. I got a pretty good plea deal for him and advised him to take it."
"He told me he wanted to go to trial. I told him that when his wife testifies against him, he’d lose pretty fast. He looked me in the eye and told me that his wife would not be attending the trial. I knew better than to ask questions. Sure enough, his wife did not attend the trial. Case dismissed for lack of witness."
"A win for the good guys? I hope he just made up with her and she chose not to appear, but I’ve always wondered if he did something to make sure of it. He sounded pretty confident when he told me she wouldn’t be there. I got out of criminal law in a hurry after that."
LooieKablooie
Grandpa
"I work in patent law, so we don't really get 'scary' per se. Grandfather came in with several inventions... actually the entire family came which was weird. He was very proud of his inventions, and explicitly stated that they needed the money the inventions would make and the money would go to the whole family to support them. His family getting an inheritance basically rested on these inventions."
"The inventions were extremely simple concepts that had been around for probably 30+ years. I politely got all of the information. I then put together a report, and it was honestly scary. How do you write something that shatters this elderly mans (and his families) dreams?"
lordnecro
The Robot
Steve Little Lawyer GIF by The GrinderGiphy"His wife was an alien robot and so was the President, and he was going to kill them and all other robots. Straight to the psych ward for paranoid schizophrenia."
It_Could_Be_True
Details
Sad Science Fiction GIF by Paramount+Giphy"They killed someone when detailing the case to me."
Huuntergamer45
Intertwined...
“'I am a Mexican cartel member' —US Immigration Attorney."
Odd_Author_76
"In LATAM, organized crime and everyday life intertwine quite often, it is quite common to bump into people with some degree of involvement or who had dealings with them in the past, I live in an upper middle class neighborhood and all of the businesses around my house had yo get an 'ok' to operate."
Much_Committee_9355
Hidden
"My husband was the lawyer not me, but one guy had been hiding in the attic of his small apartment building and when my husband went to talk to him he was so out of it on meth and paranoid that he accused my husband of working for the county whatever that means."
Chutneyonegaishimasu
Panama papers...
"I do corporate structure and wealth management so I don’t get much action, but I’ve had clients admitting over the phone casually to every white collar crime known to man, insider trading, money laundering, tax evasion schemes I would get once a week. I’m pretty ok if what you are doing is fu**ing over either some big corporate or the government."
"But probably the scariest stuff, was during the Panama papers, while I was still an intern, I got a call from my boss off hours and to get to the office ASAP, I just went to the office had no idea what was going on and started shredding clients papers who might or might not have something to do on tax heavens."
Much_Committee_9355
To the Grave
serious joe pesci GIFGiphy"I had to surrender my law license last week b/c of an early dementia diagnosis. Although I no longer carry a bar card, the secrets disclosed by clients, over the last 30 years, will die with me."
PraylikeTomAmes
Asking for a friend...
"I was always told you never lie to your lawyer or doctor. If I killed someone would a lawyer want to know the truth to better prepare for a case or do I keep my mouth shut? If I do admit to a heinous crime can the lawyer just refuse to defend me and then testify against me. Asking for a friend."
crusttysack
calibrated...
"I feel like my meter is calibrated differently, I feel like what is scary to some people doesn't phase me and I can't even think of really scary things. Except the time I worked with some mentally ill defendants and when visiting, he pulled a pen inkwell that he had sharpened out of his ass and threatened to harm himself in front of me."
"I was behind glass and safe, but having to talk him down was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. He probably couldn't have seriously injured himself, but the moment was very scary."
jonesie1988
Period GIF by ALLBLKRIP
"I had a client who’s employee got drunk, went home and beat his wife to death R.I.P. it was in the paper!"
Thewhitewhale22
Criminal
"Other than a few cases, I didn't mind my criminal clients. I felt bad for the majority of them. They weren't bad people, they were people who were horrible childhoods, didn't finish high school, some kind of addiction problem, etc. They literally did not have the knowledge or ability to make good decisions. And a couple of bad people thrown in there.But Family Law? No thank you."
unabashedlyabashed
Secrets
"I became a lawyer b/c of Brendan Sullivan at Williams & Connelly. I was fortunate enough to also be a law professor (evidence and the law of testamentary privilege). Sullivan once said in an interview that he wanted his epitaph to read 'here lie the secrets'. I want nothing less and if I were to tell secrets, it would rob me of my professional pride and dignity."
PraylikeTomAmes
Godspeed, Esquire...
"My former boss, a lawyer of more than 40 years, passed in 2015. I know some of the secrets with which he was burdened but I know there were much, much worse things he carried alone. When he got sick in 2013 and knew dementia would eventually come for him, he would often joke and say, 'Now, when I lose my mind, don’t think you’re going to get any secrets out of me.'"
"Although those of us around him didn’t feel so confident, he’d made up his mind. And he didn’t. He told us he was still married to his long-departed first wife. He had fabulous visits with his mother, who had passed on more than 30 years prior. He lived a lot in his college days."
"Not once, however, did he utter a single clients name. Not the most eccentric family law client nor the most dangerous criminal client. Not a single one was mentioned. I sense you to have made up your mind. I’m sorry for your diagnosis but know you’re obviously a hell of a lawyer. Godspeed, Esquire."
Shiftn4ward
Season 2 Lawyer GIF by MartinGiphyThe 22...
"Its a catch-22. The real answer is it depends. There are several possible ways to defend such a case. First is to make a strong case that it wasn't you. Second, is to impeach the prosecutions case, and undermine the certainty that it was you such that you get let off on reasonable doubt."
"Third, is some type of justification or mitigation defense: You did it, but it was legally justified, or you did it, but here is why you should get the lesser charge. Knowing the truth will help your lawyer formulate trial strategy, and better advise you during plea negotiation."
"However, when you admit doing it, it becomes hard/impossible to ethically present evidence exonerating you, that your attorney knows to be false. It is generally a bad idea to try to commit fraud on the court, your attorney cannot knowingly help you, but if your situation is desperate enough, it may actually be your best bet, but you can't ask your attorney about it!"
monty845
It's a good thing I'm not a lawyer. I'd be taking out AD space online with these stories.
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"Lawyers of Reddit, what is the most f'ked up case that you have fought or seen?"
The court room is now open. Brace yourselves
Some people should never be parents.
Unfit Mother
"A woman was alone with her baby after her husband got deployed. This was not long after the baby was born. Then the baby passed away, and the body had some strange bruising. The mother insisted the baby crawled out of her sight and fell down the stairs. The case ultimately got reassigned from our office, and the mother was pissed. She told the primary lawyer on the case that she had indeed killed the baby. She basically bragged about it, and she had zero remorse at all. Seeing the infant's autopsy photos was absolutely horrific."
Cruel Punishment
"Dependency case where a single father dipped his toddler in boiling water because he was crying about some silly toddler thing. Kid was severely burned over his whole body. They were trying to re-unify them."
Unwanted
"Worse I've heard was a divorce case where both parties fought to NOT have the kids stay with them. It's so depressive to think about the children in that case."
– maximef1
Punishing A Teen
"IANAL, I work for one."
"We represented a family who tried to ruin a teenage boy's life. They fabricated police reports, falsely claimed he stole expensive electronics from them, and took their claims to the very uninterested school the boy attended. When cops tried to investigate, the family evaded the investigator and lied to him."
"Why do all this? The family's son was crushing on a girl they were hosting in their home. She chose to date the boy in question over the son. All three kids were classmates."
"The boy got a hefty settlement from the family. This case was outside our typical areas of practice, but they came from a friend of the attorney."
These clients were innocent of their wild allegations.
Insult To Injury
"Represented a painter getting sued on a construction defect job. The painter was hired to paint building 2 and 3. He showed up for work, performed the work, and on his way home got into a terrible car accident leaving him paralyzed from the neck down."
"He was sued several years later for water intrusion defects related to buildings 7-9 (Which he didn't work on). Felt terrible for the guy."
– nicbus07
The No-Show
"Client insisted on suing an employee who failed to show up to work which caused a contract to be cancelled."
"The employee didn't show up to work because he died."
Prank Gone Wrong
"Case told to me by another lawyer on one of my cases: two guys decided to give a marijuana laced brownie to their co-worker without telling him it marijuana in it... right before he started his shift... as a crane operator. It went predictably badly, resulted in an accident and even their union agreed the guys should be fired."
These cases involved criminals who have done unspeakable acts of horror.
The Lying Inmate
"In a pro bono program, I was assigned to handle the request of an inmate to be released after serving 2/3rd of his sentence. When I read his file, I discovered that he was convicted for kidnapping a woman, tying her to the right front wheel of his jeep and torturing her to death with some sort of home made flamethrower. When I went to see the guy, he denied everything, and told me he was appealing the verdict (which legally was not possible anymore)."
"It was really weird sitting in a room with this guy, knowing what he was convicted of, and knowing that he'd been denying the conviction for almost 20 years."
"Needless to say, his request to be released early was denied."
"Edit: People have been asking questions about the sentence he got. He got life in prison, which makes you eligible for early release after ten years (first offence) or 14 years (recidive) in Belgium. The death penalty was abolished in 1996."
People Share Their Best 'Whoa, It Worked' Moments | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Mentally Unstable
"A sociopath in a psych ward making suicide pacts with vulnerable people and never following through. Charged with murder, determined he was too out of his mind to be accountable. Gonna be in an asylum for the next two decades unless something major changes within the case."
Animal Cruelty
"Not a lawyer, but used to work in a law firm. One attorney told me about a case he was trying where the defendant was up for animal abuse charges."
"What did he do? Well, he and his wife were going through a nasty divorce and he had moved out and started living with a friend. One weekend, he knew his wife and kids were away, so he got hammered and decided to go f'k up the house. This dude totally trashed it. But the worst part, he took his kids new kitten and placed it in the microwave & turned it on. He left it there for them to find."
"F'king disgusting psycho."
We could use a bit of levity.
The following will provide just that. Not all cases are gloom and doom.
Saving Mermaids
"I'm here to provide comedic relief!"
"My buddy is an attorney and was working on a case against some company that was dumping pollution in a large, local body of water that had a direct opening to the ocean."
"He gets a letter from an incredibly concerned local dude. He wrote this LONG LETTER begging my buddy's team to do all they can to win the case against the polluting company for the sake of the... mermaids that were living in that local body of water."
"He had seen them often guys. He had been trying to befriend them for quite a while now and was concerned for their well-being and for the possibility that they would move out to the ocean to find a cleaner home if the company kept dumping pollution into their area. I wish I could find that pic of part of the letter."
"In case you are as concerned as he was, fear not! My buddy's team won the case and that company is no longer dumping their waste in that body of water"
Wildly Determined
"My uncle lawyer helped a relative with a traffic ticket. Relative was conspiracy nut and wanted to take it to court to 'reveal the lies.' Uncle just paid the fine and told her she won."
Wayward Ice Cream Particle
"Not really f*cked up, but amusing: my dad won a case against Baskin Robins 30 years ago, because his client chipped her tooth on a pistachio shell while eating pistachio ice cream. No warning label. I don't remember the settlement amount, but it was hefty."
While most TV courtroom dramas are fiction, they can be inspired by actual events.
Certain episodes from programs like How To Get Away With Murder, The Good Wife, and all the Law & Order shows can pull from real-life news headlines and be overly dramatized for our entertainment.
However, it is very unfortunate that some of the most horrendous acts carried out by human beings in the real world are not a manifestation of a writer's imagination.
Being a divorce lawyer has go to be an entertaining career. I hope they all keep a journal, because any and all details could make for fascinating television. You change the names to protect the innocent or guilty.
Crumbs...
cookie monster eating GIF by University of CaliforniaGiphy"My father-in-law and mother-in-law's breaking point was when he threw a breadcrumb at her from across the kitchen. The divorce took 4 years to settle."
Transaction Done.
"A client and his wife came in regarding a real estate transaction. At the end of the consultation, the client casually stated that he would like to divorce his wife. I was stunned, the wife started crying, the client started rubbing his wife's shoulder and told her that everything would be okay. That was an awkward few minutes."
- rks1743
A Bad Lift
"The weirdest I've ever seen is a coworker of mine. His wife saw a picture of him at a pool when he was in high school and really athletic. Toned, muscular, tan and so on. Over the 10 year after high school he stopped lifting and lost his muscle tone and just became skinny."
"She told him she wanted him to get back to working out because she really liked the way he once looked and he said it was something he missed doing and agreed to get a gym membership. He was going to the gym four days a week but was only really working out for two of them."
"On the days he didn't work out he would sit in the sauna to get sweaty, watch Netflix and then go home. When she asked about him going to the gym and accidentally let it slip that he was fudging workouts twice a week. She apparently found that to be a deal breaker and filed for divorce."
Avatars
"I had a client who with his wife were into a computer game like the Sims only more x rated, I think it was called Second Life, where you have an avatar and can interact with other people's avatars. He suspected his wife of, through her avatar, hijinks and made his own avatar to stalk her in the game. Sure enough her avatar was doing the dirty with some dude's avatar. That was it for my client."
Oh Hell No
Pop Tv No GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy"The husband kept putting wet/used towel on their bed."
- automind
See these stories keep me sane when I feel lonely. Who in the world needs this kind of madness? This is why I say love can never be fully trusted.
And wet towels on my bed? You're out!
Oh Sacha
Sacha Baron Cohen Thumbs Up GIF by Amazon Prime VideoGiphy"Pam Anderson and Kid Rock simply put 'Borat' as the reason for their divorce. I'd say thats gotta be up there."
Tubed
"Wife wanted divorce like 2 months into marriage because the husband would squeeze the toothpaste from the top and not bottom. She claims to have told him a million times over to stop. Would have been easier to get 2 tubes of toothpaste I thought."
People Share Which Social Norms Absolutely Baffle Them | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
"My wife and I had been using the same toothpaste tube for I dunno 20 years or something. Recently, we had two tubes because I accidentally bought the wrong one. No big, I said she can use the good one and I'll use the crappy one. So after about a week of this, I notice my toothpaste was gross. The opening was half clogged and there was run off into the cap. I had to scrap the crust off just to get to the fresh toothpaste. Next week, same thing. Gross."
"Turns out my wife had been maintaining the toothpaste tube correctly for years! I had no idea that I dispensed paste in a sloppy stupid way. So I asked my wife how to use a freakin' toothpaste tube. Lol... I think I got it mostly right by the time my crappy toothpaste ran out and it was time to go back to shared paste. 😂"
Last Straw
"Nobody ever believes me about this one, but it's true. A man wanted a divorce from his wife because - and he gave this example as the "last straw" - his wife ate those nasty pumpkin Halloween candies, like candy corn but pumpkin shaped. He had been looking forward to them all day and when he got home, she had eaten them all. He snapped. Swear on my life this story is true."
- Brkiri
Empty
"Definitely the fridge Story!! A woman filed for divorce because her husband would eat everything he can find in their fridge whenever the wife was out for work. So she came back to a basically empty fridge each night. He also cheated on her but she was less angry about that. The fridge was what pushed her to the point she wanted a divorce."
Plan for 5...
real housewives of orange county divorce GIFGiphy"I'm a lawyer but not that kind. However, my brother's 4th wife divorced him because she found out the ring he'd used was originally his 3rd wife's. They deserved each other."
Got to BK!
"Not a lawyer- but apparently my brother divorced his wife when McDonald's forgot to put bbq sauce in with her chicken nuggets at the drive through and she asked him to go back and get some. He didn't and then I guess she started smashing up food and throwing it at him/out the window... so yeah. McDonalds how could you ruin a marriage 😅..."
The Good China
"My Mom's coworker divorced over dishes in the dishwasher. The wife would get so frustrated over the husband (coworker) not rinsing dishes before he loads them in the dishwasher. To compromise, they bought a super nice, top of the line dishwasher. Solves the problem, right? She yelled about the dishes that night. He filed for divorce the next day."
Never Florida!
Looney Tunes Florida GIFGiphy"I once had clients who got a divorce because she wanted to buy a condo in Naples, Fl. The petty part of the story is that combined their lawyer fees would have bought a very nice condo on the water in Naples."
- rpf0525
For the tots...
"My aunt used to work as a divorce lawyer. The worst one was a couple fighting over a hamster (of which took so long the thing died before they were settled). She said it was a bargaining chip to win favor from their children. At that rate just buy another hamster!"
"My ex was like this. Basically gave him everything just so I could leave him. He took most of the money and assets but I got away from him. Yay. Then he blew all his money and abandoned the kids. Seriously struggled to cope with 100% care and cost but wouldn't change it bc I have my kids and they have me. Still, was very hard to come to terms with the injustice. Sigh."
Hey Neighbor
"A woman came in wanting to divorce her husband. He had just gotten a new job and a pretty big raise. It turned out that this new job of his also required that he work from home but he was working in an office before. She was having an affair with their next-door neighbor and him being home more meant that she couldn't cheat on her husband easily. That was definitely a twist. I was expecting something like him being the one having the affair but nope!"
Told you so...
"Not divorced, but annulled on their wedding day. I've told the story a few times on Reddit, so long-story-short-time: She told him several hundred times that if he smashed the cake in her face at the reception, it was over. He did it, she walked out and had it annulled the next day. This was over 30 years ago, btw."
- dramboxf
Oh Dear...
"Someone's husband insisted on bringing their mother to their honey moon. That's when the wife realized his mother was still breastfeeding him. I don't think it was a petty divorce but I think the man is petty. He also made his mom go to court with him, my guess, he was thirsty."
- NoJoke24
in my face...
snow wtf GIF by Robert E BlackmonGiphy"Dandruff. Wife didn't like that the husbands dandruff would flow into her face when riding a motorbike."
- Why-M4
Being Hoagied
"The husband could only eat hoagies if they were nailed to a table. So they mostly ate at home where it was ok for him to damage a table. But once time during a roadtrip stopped at a deli. He had the nailgun with him and nailed the hoagie to the table so he could eat. So she divorced him after the vacation."
Ah love, so splendid, so pure. So insane. I'll always hope for a happy ending, but will always stay vigilant and try to not freak about the small things. Maybe that's the key to a happy ending?
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