There's no evidence of an afterlife but that doesn't stop people from imagining what they would do if they were to die and return as a ghost - a really petty ghost.
santiago91506 proposed a thought experiment: Turns out there is an afterlife, however, you don't qualify for either heaven or hell. Instead, you become a ghost who is tasked to haunt people in petty ways. What do you do to haunt people?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
10. All about this.
Stare at their cats.
Knock things off of tables, near where the cat is sitting.
Chase their cats around at night.
So you're just gonna steal all the cat's jobs?
No no, I'd do it periodically. Cats are already of the cat dimension, appearing and disappearing randomly.
Did that pen fall off the table just now? Wait, where's the cat, wasn't it just there?
Real cat doing cat things, and "ghost cat" helping your cat look even more uncanny.
9. Well, if the plumbers can't figure it out, it must be ghosts.
I specifically haunt Ghost Hunters, especially the stupid ones. I whisper in their ears then float through their body again and again.
Please give that Zack Bagans dude a twerk when you get a chance.
Zak Bagans will just pretend he's possessed and then speak English to an Italian ghost from the 1350s
8. This is delectable.
Make noises when people are in the shower so they turn off the shower to listen if someone is in the house
Then you stay quiet until they turn the shower back on...
Ok, that's beyond petty.
7. What a buzzkill.
Cancel morning alarms in the middle of the night.
Turn on early alarms for days when they plan to sleep in.
Randomly advance and delay alarms.
The only thing worse than getting to work 40 minutes late is getting there an hour early.
6. Just enough so it's super aggravating.
Constantly move their clothing slightly out of alignment.
Just twist the waist of their pants an inch to the left, and when they adjust it you pull one sleeve up and the other down. Maybe they're shaking that off and you pull down one sock...
And when they pull it up their pants are slightly misaligned in the other direction.
It's a small, seemingly innocuous thing... But I guarantee 10 minutes of this would completely break a person.
And now I imagine someone readjusting his pants for the nth time in a day and breaking down crying: "Why? What have I done to you?"
Countered by a nudist colony.
You cloth them in their sleep and as they are removing the clothing you keep putting it back on.
5. Death breath.
Gently blow air onto their faces.
Get it right in their eye.
Is that why I need glasses?
4. *Cries in Adderall* this would have bettered my study habits...
Tell college kids there's a surprise midterm tomorrow.
That would stress me the f*ck out. I would start cramming early but then ultimately end up relieved knowing I studied.
Jokes on you the midterm isn't tomorrow.
3. Do it. Stay a step ahead.
I move their car keys.
And I move them back once they're good and sure they've checked that spot.
Imagine being haunted not one, but by two ghosts, who are working together against you.
2. You know Merry Maids? Meet Polite Phantoms.
I'd do nice things, but really confusing nice things.
Make sure all the remote controls are lined up neatly each morning.
Make sure all the shoes and coats are put away.
Switch around the dishes and stuff in the fridge to be at max organization.
Dust furniture, but in silly patterns.
I like your style. You're future hired, future ghost.
I would never find ANY of my sh*t with you haunting me.
I could always find the post it notes too. Ghostly scrawlings of help, activate!
1. Dead, but woke.
Whisper mundane, yet terrifying things in their ear.
"You left the stove on."
"They know you just masturbated."
"Your vote doesn't really mean anything, none of them work for you."
"The American system is broken and leans way too favorably to the rich and you will never escape your lower class."