History Buffs Share The Juicy Facts You Never Learned In School
For thousands of students around the world, the subject of history is a boring, groan-inducing, snoozefest. There are only so many wars and so many treaties one can learn about in exceedingly boring detail. History doesn't have to be lame, though. Think about it. Exciting, salacious, hilarious, scandalous things happen all the time. There's no reason to think things were any less gossip-worthy back then. Reddit users came together to share their knowledge when one user asked:
What X-Rated history facts don't they teach you in school?
We picked 25 facts to share with you. Clearly things got NSFW, so be warned; clicking next could lead to you needing brain bleach... or having new ideas to try out.
1. Naked Women As Sled Dogs?
The Roman Emperor Elagabalus as a show of power upon entering Rome to become crowned emperor he had hundreds of naked women drag his chariot down the streets of Rome
2. How's That For Classical Music?
Mozart was very fond of scatalogical humor. He wrote several songs about shitting on people or just shitting in general, and he also sent some really filthy letters to his sister.
3. We Would Have Paid Attention In Class For This Part
That one of the single biggest problems on the Lewis and Clark expedition was that they ran out of mercury after using it to treat rampant STDs (mainly syphilis). In fact, they used so much of it, that some of their campsites (they had more than 600 in the journey) have been positively identified by literally measuring the mercury in the latrines they dug nearby.
Also, that York, Clark's one slave he brought along on the trip, was SO exotic to many of the native tribes they passed, that many thought he was magical (and FAR more interesting than the two dozen white people around him). Many native women wanted to (and did) have sex with him and several chiefs apparently offered up their daughters to him for the night in hopes that he would impregnate them and leave some of his magic powers behind to bless the tribe.
4. Someone Can't Take Criticism, Jeez.
A first century BCE letter from a Roman poet to his critics, translated:
C*ck-sucker Aurelius and Catamite Furius, You who think, because my verses are delicate, that I am modest.
For it's right for the devoted poet to be chaste Himself, but it's not necessary for his verses to be so.
Verses which then have taste and charm, If they are delicate and sexy, And can incite an itch, And I don't mean in boys, but in those hairy old men who can't get their flaccid d*cks up.
You, because you have read of my thousand kisses, You think I'm a sissy?
5. Hi, Mom!
My understanding is that most common folk throughout much of history had very meager lodgings, and most families would sleep together both for warmth as well as the simple fact that they didn't have the space for people to sleep separately.
If mom and dad were in the mood to procreate, the rest of the family was just... there.
6. The U.S. Government Porn Star
The US government tried undermining Sukarno's rule over Indonesia by hiring a random Hispanic guy (who apparently looked like Sukarno) to do a porno and distributing it to the people of Indonesia. The idea was that this tape would further Sukarno's image as a lecherous womanizer and cause a negative reaction from the conservative Muslim population. Apparently Sukarno was thrilled and thought it was great (he allegedly bragged about it) and the people of Indonesia simply didn't care.
7. Oh, Nero...
Roman Emperor Nero had a young boy by the name of Sporus castrated and then married him. He would often appear in public with Nero wearing the customary garb for a Roman Empress. Sporus bore an uncanny resemblance to Nero's first wife who he kicked to death only a year before.
Also, After Nero died, other men took Sporus as their wife.
8. So Frankenstein Wasn't The Only Monster
Frankenstein author Mary Shelley lost her virginity on her mother's grave.
9. Good Night, Sleep Tight
Chambermaids to 18th century French aristocrats were expected to masturbate their male, teenage charges at bedtime, so as to coax a better nights sleep from them.
10. Turns Out, It Was Actually Like A Real Teenager's Diary
The Diary of Anne Frank was edited by her father because of some of the things she talked about: such as her period, discovering herself, and learning about boys from a younger guy that was staying with them too, and also her father's infatuation with fart jokes and such - which he didn't want published.
11. Opera Singers Were Awesome!
Julie D'Aubigny was a famous 17th century French opera singer who once took the holy vows to enter a convent just so she could have sex with a nun.
She also had a habit of seducing women at parties, which would lead their husbands to challenge her to a duel. She was an expert duelist and killed 10 men like this.
In Villeperdue, still wearing men's clothing, she was insulted by a young nobleman. They fought a duel and she drove her blade through his shoulder. The next day, she asked about his health and found out he was Louis-Joseph d'Albert Luynes, son of the Duke of Luynes. Later, one of his companions came to offer d'Albert's apologies. She went to his room and subsequently they became lovers and, later, lifelong friends.
12. Benjamin Franklin Liked The Older Ladies
Benjamin Franklin had a GILF fetish. He wrote a long letter to a friend advising of the benefits of taking an older woman as a mistress. His reasons included:
They are more thankful for the attention.
They are more adventurous than younger women.
They are experienced, and need not be trained.
They are less likely to betray you in favor of another man.
He was also very clear that "The face ages, but the downstairs does not."
13. He Should've Said No To This
Alexander Hamilton once cheated on his wife while he was in Philadelphia running the country (she was back in New York). When mistresses husband found out, he continuously blackmailed Hamilton into paying him hush money. James Monroe, the US's fifth president, saw that Hamilton was constantly making these checks out and that it was fishy, and accused him of embezzling government money (as he was the Secretary of the Treasury). To defend his honor and quell the accusations, he wrote a very raunchy confessional titled the Reynolds Pamphlet, which acknowledged his infidelity and shared several details about it.
14. Empress Wu And Her Lickable Lotus
Empress Wu Hu of China apparently had a tough time with sex discrimination. She saw sex and power as being closely related. So when she held court, government officials and visiting dignitaries had to pay their respects by "Licking her lotus stamen", a symbolical display of her superiority over men. She was a ruthless leader, and was known for executing many bureaucrats and relatives.
She also kept a harem of young male concubines until her death at the age of 83.
15. Armpit Sex
During and after the French Revolution, venereal disease was so common in Paris that people were generally unwilling to have sex with prostitutes by the usual means - but by no means stopped people from hiring prostitutes. This lead to a novel sex act becoming the most popular service provided by French whores - sticking it in her armpit. Yep. That was a thing. Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite, and Armpit sex.
16. Presidential Penis
Basically everything about Lyndon B. Johnson. The dude would challenge people to literal dick-measuring contests. Once, he was talking to a reporter in the Rose garden when, without breaking eye-contact with the reporter, he proceeded to whip out his presidency and take a leak onto the shoes of some poor, nameless White House staffer.
17. London's Animal And Child Brothels
A friend of mine studied sexual history at uni (or something to that effect I forget the official title) and told me some interesting and crazy stuff she'd find.
For example, In 19th century London, there used to be brothels that would cater to any and all "kinks" you had at the time, so as well as there being standard brothels full of men and women. Turns out Victorians were far from prudish.
18. Wonder Women. Plural. Also, Porn.
Wonder Woman, the comic-book super heroine and a figure of feminism and women's rights for decades, was created by psychologist William Moulton Marston as softcore bondage porn. Marston himself lived with two women, his wife Elizabeth and their lover, Olive Byrne.
19. Victor Was Truly Missed
Victor Hugo slept with so many prostitutes that on the day he died, all the brothels in Paris were closed, because so many of the prostitutes took the day off the mourn him.
20. Female Orgasm As Medical Treatment
The vibrator was invented for doctors who were getting carpel tunnel from using their fingers to give female patients orgasms in order to treat hysteria
21. Fathering Microbiology ... With Semen
The first thing the "Father of Microbiology," Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn't yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz.
So yeah, the first thing he did was whack off on a slide and look at it.
22. Childhood Sexual Trauma... It's Grrrrrrrreat!
John Harvey Kellog (yes that Kellogg on your sugary cereals) hated masturbation and thought it would rot your child's brain. He thought spicy foods made you sexually excited and so people were convinced that giving your child bland foods would keep the hormones at bay. This made Kellogg put into production all these bland tasting cereals and graham crackers (which had little to no sugar back then) to keep your children from popping boners. As an added extent, he would advise parents to sew your young boy's foreskin closed without anesthesia and pour carbolic acid on your young girl's clitoris. He would brag about not having sex with his wife of 20 years
Now go eat your cereal
H/T: Reddit