Being an officer means making quick calls on the fly. You need to take in a flurry of information, comprehend what's happening, then understand what to do from there. So, what do you do when the information coming to you doesn't make any sense and is, strangely enough, true?
Reddit user, u/XxJIAA99xX, wanted the men and women of law enforcement to share:
But He Still Bought It, Right?
GiphyDuring a search of a person I pulled out a bag of a sticky dark substance consistent with heroin. The subject had multiple drug priors and is a known heavy heroin user. He immediately tells me it is burnt sugar and he is pissed someone sold it to him.
Long story short when i tested the substance it did not test positive for heroin.
I Mean...Whatever Floats Your Boat
Former marechaussee here (look it up it is a Dutch thing, police but also military). We also had jurisdiction over the american soldiers stationed here. One day we got called over to a possible case of domestic violence. We arrive at the house and the guy opened wearing only underwear . He told us he and his wife were roleplaying. Ofcourse we didn't trust this and asked to see his wife. After denying us entry we told we would come back with a warrant. He reluctanly agreed to let us enter.
So we go in and he opened the basement door and inside was the freakiest sex dungeon. I mean chains, whips things I couldn't identify hanging on the wall. And in the middle hanging in chains was his butt naked wife. We asked her but she told everything was okay. Turned out they were really into some kinky stuff. Asked them to keep the screaming part in the basement and to a minimal. We did the whole thing with a straight face but as soon as we were in the car......
Messing Up A Deal
I'm running booking one night, guy gets brought in for posessing a truly stupendous amount of drugs. Im talking like 2 rubbermade totes full of shrooms, a huge bag of weed, and enough heroin to overdose half the county. "Well," says he, "I'm a DEA informant and they told me to make the drop so they could be there and raid the crap out of everybody and let me go for helping."
Uh huh. riiiiiight. Face left please.
Guy is like "I'm tellin you dude, theyre gonna be suuuuper pissed that you mess up thier bust!"
Whatever, get in the holding cell and shut up.
About 3 hours later three guys show up, DEA agents, theyre super pissed that our deputies f-cked up thier bust. I go back to the holding cell to let the guy out, and he's just like "theyre super pissed huh?"
yeah.
"told you so."
They Have People Everywhere...
I went to a disturbance at a backyard bbq once. Turns out it was a bunch of Roma (gypsies). As I was trying to figure out what was going on I had some old lady approach me and want to talk to me off to the side.
She told me she was an informant for the FBI and that if I left, she would be able to get some information on a matter the FBI was interested in. I rolled my eyes and thanked her and said I would be out of there as soon as I could make sure there was no violence going on.
Anyway I determined it was just verbal so I cleared the call and went back in service. About 15 to 30 minutes later dispatch radioed me to head back to the station. I got there and got a message to call some FBI Field office and ask for a certain agent.
I called and sure enough this agent said he understood I spoke with his informant and wanted to know everything she told me.
Blew my mind.
Bursting At The Seams
My dad is an officer and he pulled someone over for speeding and running a red light and they said their breast implant burst. He called ems to rush them to the hospital and turned out it did and it's actually very dangerous if they leak.
He's Not Wrong, Right?
My dad was a cop and my favorite story of his goes like this:
He's a young cop in a rough neighborhood. It's so late that the stop lights are flashing red, meaning treat it like a stop sign. Out of nowhere this pink caddy goes rollin through the intersection. My dad pulls him over. A big black dude was driving, the caddy had fur interior, dice in the mirror. A real "pimp" car if you know what I mean. My dad goes "sir do you know you ran that light back there" and this guy says "officer, I do believe I got between the flashes." My dad was laughing so hard he had to let the guy go
It's All The Allen Screws, Isn't It?
GiphyCop here - got a call of a domestic dispute that sounded very heated and a lot of banging was heard. Get to scene and I can hear someone yelling and swearing and brawling, doesn't sound good at all. Guy answers the door, shirt off and angry, but seems bewildered as to why police had been called.
He told me he was building Ikea furniture - sounds like the most bullsh-t thing. But, we enter, see the new IKEA furniture half set up and no one else is home. Colour me surprised.
How Can You Not Cry?
Mid July in like 2008? - Young kid going 93 in a 55... I swing and he immediately pulls over. Approaching the car, his first words before I can even start speaking, "My dog died, he hung himself! I gotta get back before my mom gets home!"
Wat.jpg
Anyway, he calls other family members, his Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins come out to the stop and between all their sobbing, they verify that the dog had actually hopped over the fence on a leash/runner and couldn't get back over. Everyone's crying now. They showed me a photo on their phone.
Apparently they found the dog and called the kid at work and he just left. I didn't even bother verifying further than that. Cousin drove the kids car back so they could take care of the dog and prepare for Mom.
Some said that I should have wrote him, but losing an animal sucks enough, he knew he f---ed up and adding financial burden to him wasn't going to help him or me.
I love sex. But it can be stressful. I've always found connection to be one of the best lessons.
Communications
GIF by HULUGiphy"Assuming they already know what their partner wants/likes and doesn't communicate or take any instructions."
Melonqualia
Take it Slow
"No foreplay and not caring if your partner is enjoying it."
orangecrushhhh
"I had an ex who literally never wanted to do any kind of foreplay. He just wanted basically sex of any kind for him. He said oral on women was gross."
UntiltheEndoftheline
Will U?
"Proposing mid intercourse."
Immortal_D_Class
"Honestly? With the partner I have, I'd think it was pretty hot and romantic lmao. I'd check in after the deed to make sure he was serious but our relationship is already very serious so it wouldn't be a big deal."
Weird_Spinach
Talk to Me
"Not talking or making any noises. We don't have to dirty talk the whole time or even at all but you gotta let me know you're enjoying it at least."
idkburneridkidk
"I think there's some balance between having some small talk, silence, and dirty talk while being in bed with someone. Or maybe that's just been my experience. I don't know--I think there's some fun in trying to carry a side conversation while having sex lol."
BranTheBrokens
Experts
"Friction isn’t always a good thing."
KathAlMyPal
Yuck
Bored Larry Bird GIF by SB NationGiphy"To this you can add unclipped fingernails."
Whats4dinner
"And dirty fingernails. Nah, ma'am. I’m betting this is not worth the infection. Thanks."
ADDYISSUES89
‘good at sex’
"I have a feeling most men will say 'lack of enthusiasm' and that most women will say 'being selfish about pleasure.'"
addicted_to_blistex
"I’m a woman and my first thought was lack of enthusiasm, but my own lack of enthusiasm. The only bad sex I’ve had is when I don’t genuinely want to be there. I’ve had sex with guys who weren’t ‘good at sex’ but still enjoyed it because I was really into them."
maybememaybeno
Damn Pat
"They are convinced they know more about what works for you than you know yourself. Just cause your ex-lover Pat liked technique X doesn't mean everyone does."
Less-Market9641
"Have experienced this, it sucks. He wouldn’t listen to what I enjoyed, didn’t want me to say ANYTHING even if it hurt or wasn’t working, and would just say something along the lines of 'every other woman I’ve been with liked it.' I’m thinking, all you’ve had are one-night stands, really, so they probably didn’t say anything."
"I’ve had numerous partners and love sex. Crashed and burned with this one and he really crushed my self-esteem and sexual confidence."
Proper-Beach8368
I KNOW!!
"The biggest thing is always going to be selfishness and the inability/refusal to communicate and listen to your partner. I've seriously had a guy yell 'I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!' when I was trying to tell him how I liked whatever he was doing. He then got even more upset when I said 'did you just f**king yell at me? Alright, off, I'm done.'"
drunky_crowette
Flavors
Amanda Seales Wow GIF by truTVGiphy"Lack of variety. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean crazy kinks or positions from the karma sutra, but more when it's really predicable. I has an ex that had this weird routine of positions, it was exactly the same every single f**king time in exactly the same order."
thegrimrita
Sex. Let's be better at it.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
I'm single because I've given up. And I'm good. For now.
Peace
Snoop Dogg Reaction GIFGiphy"I put absolutely no effort into meeting someone."
grayestorm
"Same! Also it's extremely difficult when you feel so at peace being by yourself. The fact that I have to find someone whose presence outweighs my level of comfort being alone seems impossible."
cheezkurls
Staying Put
"Hard to meet people when you are a hermit."
EchoOfShadow
"Yeah, I describe myself as a shut-in, lol. I leave my apartment to work, I leave my apartment to buy food, and occasionally I’ll bring out the trash, otherwise I just watch Hulu, play online chess, surf Reddit."
Tru-Queer
"Same. I've spent months trying to find an apartment I can afford without a roommate and finally settled on a small studio apartment for $1100 a month because I'd rather living in a tiny space and be left the hell alone than share a much nicer place even with a good friend."
ablondedude
Problems
"I have too many unsolved issues, i can't in good conscience bring someone else into them."
Zdos123
"Idk your issues but everyone's got some crap. Not sure how unique yours are but everyone's got some crap. It's good to share some of your struggles with other people. Just don't open with it haha."
dr-305
"Issues unresolved or not, (in my case) only makes it worse when you feel like you could open up to them, and they just take those to use it against yourself afterwards."
if_itsMolly
Isolated
"I hardly go out and expose myself to people. I'm uncomfortable with the notion of myself being in a relationship at this point. Also, I'm very dry in terms of personality."
Torturephile
"I spent a year entirely isolated due to covid and now I can't handle physical contact. It makes me really uncomfortable and a hug is enough to make my body shut down. I'm hopeless."
DinoHunter64
Captain America Lol GIF by mtvThat's funny. But it feels oddly true.
Think Winnie The Pooh GIFToxic
"Last relationship was so toxic, I've sworn off dating, at least for awhile. I haven't had this much free time in ages. It's nice."
"Edit: Hey, it's really great hearing from so many people with similar experiences. Like many of you, I've been taking it in stride and focusing on bettering myself, both physically and mentally. It's done wonders for my health and I feel a whole lot better. I wish y'all the very best. Stay excellent, my friends."
muchkoku
Alone Forever
"I'm 35yr old single father to a 5yr old and I work nights. It's hard to find free time to meet someone, especially in my area. If I do have free time to myself, I like staying home and ordering a pizza while drinking some beers and playing video games. I pretty much faced the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life."
No_Leader_2711
taking space
"I was in an 8 year relationship (married for two) to my high school sweetheart. Exactly this same time last year, we got divorced because I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend. The best friend I had known LONGER than him and was friends with since fourth grade."
"She was living with us to try to get back on her feet. Yeah lol. So I lost my best friend and the man I had been with for 8 years within the same night. So I moved to another state, got an apartment by myself, and am now single and divorced all by 26. Not really looking unless the right person comes along."
"It’s pretty happy and peaceful now that they’re both out of my life though honestly. You realize people’s toxicity and flaws the most once you get space away from them."
yodacat24
Bad Loop
Seth Meyers Whatever GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy"Because my relationships end before they even begin."
_uberwench_
"This is my story right here."
xxshole
Alright. Now that we've laid out all the excuses, let's get to matching with some people.
Overcome with joy
"In all reality?"
"Probably cry for about 30 minutes because the biggest existential fear at the very core my humanity has now been lifted."
"If Heaven exists, like 50% of the awesomeness is just the very fact that it exists."
heaven gate GIF by South Park GiphyA re-match long in the making
"Ask my childhood friend Kevon for a race."
"He used to beat me handily when were younger (9-13) and he’d always brag."
"When I got older and faster I moved away so I was never able to race him again."
"We arranged for a race but he was shot multiple times and bound to a wheelchair until he passed a few years ago."
"I wanna race him both in our prime."- Abethegreat1
Reunite with loved ones
"Find my husband, give him a huge hug and never let go again."
"Live our forever together."
"I f*cking love him and miss him so much."- jessdfrench
"Embrace my sweet wife and tell her how proud I am of the kids."- RifleShower
"Try to find my brother."
"Man, I miss him."
"He died in 2020 at age 34."- grummlinds1
Miss U GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsAchieve the "firsts" we never got to do
"Find my son and have a beer with him."
"Something we never got to do in real life."- tanukis_parachute
Hone new skills
"Try to play Smoke on the water on my harp."- Ashtar-the-Squid
Care Free Black Girls GIF by AuroraDrawsLive on without pain
"Enjoy my healthy back without pain."- Knackbein_
Who knows what's in store for us after our lives come to an end.
But living with the idea that something wonderful awaits when our time has come is all people need to continue to live their lives to the fullest, and treat others with the respect and kindness they deserve.
Ironically, something you likely don't think about...
"Your brain blocks you from feeling your organs moving around inside you."- Aydengeist06
Try watching Finding Nemonow...
"Only one in a thousand sea turtles born actually make it to adulthood."- Sebs_123
Shocking new light on an age old classic
"In the books, Stuart Little was never explicitly called a mouse."
"He's pretty much described as a deformed mouse-esque person born form human parents."- Red_Beard47
stuart little mouse GIF by VIASAT3GiphyNature running it's course...
"There's a bird that feeds its younger offspring to the eldest."- Teacup_Cult
I have no allergies... yet
"Speaking from personal experience here, but your body can randomly decide to become allergic to damn near everything edible at any time."
"Not very fun."- smallemochick
Those poor, innocent creatures.
"In some regions of Australia, 90 percent of koalas have chlamydia, which poses a threat to the species' extinction unless a vaccine is created or widespread koala culling takes place."- tiffanyjcruse
koalas kiss GIFGiphyThey'd still be here if they weren't so delicious...
"The giant tortoise was so delicious, it caused not only itself to be hunted to extinction, but also the dodo."
"Giant tortoise meat was supposedly better tasting than chicken."
"It's fat tasted better spread on bread than butter."
"Also, it was the perfect food for sailors at the time, as their bladders stored 1 litre of purified water, and they could survive without food in hibernation for almost a whole year in the hull of a ship."
"Not to mention, because they evolved without humans, they were easy to hunt."
"You could tie one to your back, and roll another to the ship and they would just let you."
"It was so delicious, they went unrecorded for a long time because expeditions to bring living samples of wildlife to Europe kept eating them on the way."
"Conversely, the dodo, while as easily captured by sailors, tasted awful."
"It was completely unpalatable."
"HOWEVER, one day, someone discovered if you cooked dodo meat in the more delicious tortoise fat, it tasted just like chicken."
"So now, sailors were hunting a few tortoises at a time for their fat and water, storing them, and then hunting dodos on the daily."
"Overhunting, plus the introduction of rats to the environment (because sailors) which would eat eggs, led go the population to decline at a rate they could not breed to keep up, leading to both animals going extinct."- Kyhan
Don't forget the nose plugs
"Antarctica smells like penguin poop."
"Antarctica is a desert, it is too cold for bacteria to live."
"Nothing there to clean up penguin droppings."
"If you are close enough to see penguins, you will also smell them."- gummby8
Makes those long lines so worth it...
"The TSA missed 96% of contraband during an inspection in 2015."- omegasix321
All Falls Down Tsa GIF by Kanye WestGiphyTruly tragic.
"The person who had the first facial transplant had her face chewed up by her Labrador dog while asleep due to sleeping pill overdose." - User Deleted
It's hard not to read some of these "fun facts" and wonder if there should be an alternative term for the facts which aren't fun.
Alternative facts?
Oh yeah, probably not....