insult

In my family we have a standing rule that if it makes you laugh and it's nothing "major" - you can't get in trouble for it. In reality, we're all pretty laid back so getting in trouble is pretty rare anyway, but the rule has lead to a lifetime of playfully roasting one another in an attempt to get the other person to laugh.

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It's hard having kids. Odds are if you have one, they're right next to you as you're reading this. You need to walk on egg shells, monitoring your every action, making sure you're the proper role model for them to look up to. Last thing you need is for them repeating what you say at home to their preschool class. Anyway, here's how you insult people without using any curse words!

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My mom's side of the family all have PhD's in backhanded complimenting. I grew up getting things like:

"Oh my goodness would you look at those grades! You must work so hard! Your mom is so lucky, my daughter doesn't try hard at anything - not even her modeling career! Sure, she's gorgeous - but look at how much you try!"

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Insults Are An Art

Admit it, there are times you really want to just look someone in the eye and let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. That doesn't mean you can't let a person know exactly how little you think of them. Reddit got together to answer a hugely important question:

What's your best non-swearing insult?

Let's Get Shakespearean

My favorite Shakespearean insult is - "Could you ask your mother to stop barking? It is keeping me awake."

Honourable mentions include "would you were clean enough to spit upon!"; "Come out you sheep lovers!"; "If you spend word for word with me, i shall make your wit bankrupt."; "Thou hath not so much brain, as ear wax."; "Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit"

And finally, "Come thou tedious fool. To the purpose."

This sounds like something Snape would say

There was this incredibly snotty kid I went to high school with. He was bright, but not exceptionally bright. His parents were wealthy and he was good enough to qualify for AP classes so he felt special. He couldn't help but let everyone else know how special he was... Our AP history teacher told him that he would "see how painfully average" he was when he got to college. It was great.

The lyrical burn

Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",

I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you

Yeah, that means you're stupid.

"As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

The classy shutdown

Thank you for your input. (Then change the subject.)

An insult or a compliment, you decide. Literally.

One that stuck in my head from a similar thread years ago. I think it was posted by somebody in the food service industry who had to be pleasant with someone who was clearly being a d*ck. "I hope your day is as pleasant as you are"

Wait... ouch

You're impossible to underestimate.

From the mouth of babes

When my friend and I were about 5 years old, I was being a twat and sitting at the top of the slide just so he couldn't use it. In a fit of unbridled fury he screamed, "YOU SLIMY SALAMANDER!"

Both our moms were watching from the porch and were applauding at such a moving performance. Neither of remember it happening, but we call each other slimy salamanders from time to time.

Completely unimportant.

You are the human equivalent of a participation award.

Translation: You suck.

You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement.

We call this one "The Mother In Law"

Any compliment followed by a short pause, and then "for once".

Example: you look really nice today... for once.

Very versatile, roller-coaster of emotions.

Ahh, insults borne of the internet age

My wife's coworker was called "you stock photo" once, and it's been my favorite ever since

This 2 for 1 insult is savage

Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.

No, you!

It only really works if somebody else starts it, but my personal favorite is "No you"

No matter what they throw at you, you always have something to say.

"You're probably 12 kid stfu" "No u"

I mostly use it in game chat, and one time I got someone so frustrated that they could not top me that they rage quit.

That's just mean

I hope that both sides of your pillow are warm when you go to bed tonight.

Ew.

The best part of you dripped down your mother's leg.

This hard hitter

I don't know why you're playing hard to get when you're so hard to want.

This must have been epic to witness

This girl I knew once turned to this other person we knew and went:

"Hello, hello! That was 2 hellos, one for each of your faces"

What an explosive slight

"If your intelligence was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." -Friends Dad

Good Ol' Winston

Paraphrasing Churchill: "I see that you're are a modest man, with much to be modest about."

Historical harshness

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set.

Truth hurts

Used when someone is having an emotional flip out:

I am unimpressed by your inability to control your emotions.The short comings of your upbringing is not my problem. Go do something more productive, get some self control and come back when you are ready to act like a self respecting adult.

Sounds like a fun work environment

I think the best I've ever heard an absolutely vile co-worker being described as a person that can start an argument with an empty room. Using it ever since

Be a better neighbor

My favorite is always "You're not living up to the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." When you bust that out, usually people have to seriously consider it.

The singular worst insult we've ever heard

Just call them Caillou

H/T: Reddit