In my family we have a standing rule that if it makes you laugh and it's nothing "major" - you can't get in trouble for it. In reality, we're all pretty laid back so getting in trouble is pretty rare anyway, but the rule has lead to a lifetime of playfully roasting one another in an attempt to get the other person to laugh.
Those roasts have been the breeding ground for some of our families biggest laughs because fam there is nothing funnier than a 6 year old calling you "Chicken nugget toes" like it's the most scandalous and life-changing bit of shade you're ever going to hear.
One Reddit user asked:
and yeah - kids are roastmasters. They're not the only ones capable of dropping a devastating one liner, though. Check out some of these absolute insult bombs that prove it doesn't needed to be raunchy to be relentless.
When my daughter was about 4, we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that."
My 4 year old once climbed into my lap, sweetly put her hand on my face and said "Is this supposed to be some kind of beard or something? " with just the right bewildered inflection to really make me question both my masculinity and my personal grooming choices.
Keepin' It SpicyGIF by TLC EuropeGiphy
"If she was a spice, she'd be flour."
Pretty much the same as "You unseasoned chicken wing".
"You single-layer lasagne"
When my granddaughter was 10, she stayed home sick from school one day, and I burned some accrued leave to watch her. Around lunchtime, she felt well enough for mac-n-cheese, so I grab a box from the cupboard and start scanning each side. This took a while, but I found the very small print, and say, "Oh, good! Directions!"
Without missing a beat, she says, "You'll need them."
My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin.
In medicine non essential vitamins get filtrated and send up been urine. Often when we see people buying lots of vitamins the comment is " I bloody bet is going to be an expensive wee"
Okay, this one cracked me up. Your brother is far more creative of a linguist drunk than I am sober.
Hahaha I love that. 'you're like a non-essential vitamin, some people like having you but when you actually look into you realise nobody needs you there and you don't help anything, you're just kind of there... Which is like all of us but you think you're an essential vitamin. You're a non-essential vitamin with the mindset of an essential vitamin'
God you could kill someone with that.
It Isn'tAshton Kutcher Burn GIFGiphy
My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.
Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?
Son: no i dont have a talent.
Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.
Son: no it isn't.
Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it?
Reading this hurt my feelings. I need to re-evaluate.
This wasn't even pointed at me, and I feel attacked.
Agreed with this one, and then realized it was an insult.
My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing.
Every time my brother was mad my mother told him he was precious. So in a fit of rage he yelled YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS!" before storming off lol
A Wooden Onesie
Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like "Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she's in a wooden onesie."
In Brazil we have "wooden coat". And when someone dies some people say they "buttoned their coat"
Festive Family Ties
You look like someone whose family tree is a wreath.
I thought this was about Christmas trees for a minute... Why make fun of people who are too poor for a tree??
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
It's hard having kids. Odds are if you have one, they're right next to you as you're reading this. You need to walk on egg shells, monitoring your every action, making sure you're the proper role model for them to look up to. Last thing you need is for them repeating what you say at home to their preschool class. Anyway, here's how you insult people without using any curse words!
Reddit user, u/thatude123, wanted a list of the best insults when they asked:
My mom's side of the family all have PhD's in backhanded complimenting. I grew up getting things like:
"Oh my goodness would you look at those grades! You must work so hard! Your mom is so lucky, my daughter doesn't try hard at anything - not even her modeling career! Sure, she's gorgeous - but look at how much you try!"
Or my personal favorite: "You'll be so beautiful once you start to look more like your mother."
Insults Are An Art
Admit it, there are times you really want to just look someone in the eye and let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. That doesn't mean you can't let a person know exactly how little you think of them. Reddit got together to answer a hugely important question:
Let's Get Shakespearean
My favorite Shakespearean insult is - "Could you ask your mother to stop barking? It is keeping me awake."
Honourable mentions include "would you were clean enough to spit upon!"; "Come out you sheep lovers!"; "If you spend word for word with me, i shall make your wit bankrupt."; "Thou hath not so much brain, as ear wax."; "Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit"
And finally, "Come thou tedious fool. To the purpose."
This sounds like something Snape would say
There was this incredibly snotty kid I went to high school with. He was bright, but not exceptionally bright. His parents were wealthy and he was good enough to qualify for AP classes so he felt special. He couldn't help but let everyone else know how special he was... Our AP history teacher told him that he would "see how painfully average" he was when he got to college. It was great.
The lyrical burn
Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",
I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you
Yeah, that means you're stupid.
"As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"
The classy shutdown
Thank you for your input. (Then change the subject.)
An insult or a compliment, you decide. Literally.
One that stuck in my head from a similar thread years ago. I think it was posted by somebody in the food service industry who had to be pleasant with someone who was clearly being a d*ck. "I hope your day is as pleasant as you are"
You're impossible to underestimate.
From the mouth of babes
When my friend and I were about 5 years old, I was being a twat and sitting at the top of the slide just so he couldn't use it. In a fit of unbridled fury he screamed, "YOU SLIMY SALAMANDER!"
Both our moms were watching from the porch and were applauding at such a moving performance. Neither of remember it happening, but we call each other slimy salamanders from time to time.
You are the human equivalent of a participation award.
Translation: You suck.
You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement.
We call this one "The Mother In Law"
Any compliment followed by a short pause, and then "for once".
Example: you look really nice today... for once.
Very versatile, roller-coaster of emotions.
Ahh, insults borne of the internet age
My wife's coworker was called "you stock photo" once, and it's been my favorite ever since
This 2 for 1 insult is savage
Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.
It only really works if somebody else starts it, but my personal favorite is "No you"
No matter what they throw at you, you always have something to say.
"You're probably 12 kid stfu" "No u"
I mostly use it in game chat, and one time I got someone so frustrated that they could not top me that they rage quit.
That's just mean
I hope that both sides of your pillow are warm when you go to bed tonight.
The best part of you dripped down your mother's leg.
This hard hitter
I don't know why you're playing hard to get when you're so hard to want.
This must have been epic to witness
This girl I knew once turned to this other person we knew and went:
"Hello, hello! That was 2 hellos, one for each of your faces"
What an explosive slight
"If your intelligence was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." -Friends Dad
Good Ol' Winston
Paraphrasing Churchill: "I see that you're are a modest man, with much to be modest about."
You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set.
Used when someone is having an emotional flip out:
I am unimpressed by your inability to control your emotions.The short comings of your upbringing is not my problem. Go do something more productive, get some self control and come back when you are ready to act like a self respecting adult.
Sounds like a fun work environment
I think the best I've ever heard an absolutely vile co-worker being described as a person that can start an argument with an empty room. Using it ever since
Be a better neighbor
My favorite is always "You're not living up to the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." When you bust that out, usually people have to seriously consider it.
The singular worst insult we've ever heard
Just call them Caillou