Job interviews are such a unique experience.
For a brief interval of time, we have to simultaneously try to impress someone with our qualifications, come off as casually pleasant, demonstrate passion for the role in question, and, somehow, be ourselves throughout that whole charade.
Not surprisingly, job interviews are daunting and tend to make us sweat. There's so much on the line, and it all hinges on how we act and talk in an hour or so.
But what if the motivation was flipped? What if we imagined how to do the very worst we possibly could in that situation.
It's an absurd exercise, but it sure takes the edge off.
regrettablycrushing asked, "You have 15 seconds to ruin a job interview. What do you do/say?"
"I had a candidate tell me 'I have extreme anger problems and I can't help but get loud and hands on when's someone's doesn't get what I'm trying to say'...it was for an engineering internship." -- KeemstarsBlackFriend
"NOT A WHILE LOOP!! A DO WHILE LOOP!!! WE NEED IT TO RUN ONCE BEFORE CHECKING THE CONDITION!!!"
"* shaking the other person aggressively by the shoulders *" -- moistkinkajou
In it for the Short Haul
"Where will I be in 5 years? Hell if I know but in 5 months I better be out of this slop house." -- BroadcasterX
"I thought the right answer was 'celebrating the 5th year anniversary of you asking me this question'" -- biggulpshuhasyl
"Sorry I'm late I got pulled over, but I was under the legal limit so..." -- lil-miss-militia
"just under the legal limit." -- kindsoberfullydressed
"Keyword being 'was' amirite guys?" -- Poly--Meh
"Excuse me ma'am, can I talk to a man here? Like someone who would be capable enough to interview me? I can't listen and answer to a woman." -- ilikesarcasticpeople
"I wish this was a joke but I once interviewed a guy who asked me who his boss would be."
"When I explained it would be me, the person interviewing him, he laughed and said congratulations for 'getting so far' but that he could not be expected to just do what I asked him to, and also any woman being in charge of a man was 'disrespectful.'"
"He did not get the job." -- TheWaystone
Keep Belching to a Minimum
"Did this already! Was nervous and chugged the last of my coke before going inside. Went to shake the guys hand and say Hello but a very loud long burp came out instead."
"I just dropped his hand and left."
Tough to Schedule
"Do you have masturbation breaks?" -- katep2000
Gauging the Strictness
"Does your employee theft policy offer second chances or would you fire me right away?" -- SlapCracklePop
"Can I steal loo roll? Like, just 1 when it's nearly payday? Or enough that my extended family never need panic buy again?" -- JJY93
Way Ahead of Ya
"Bring a bottle of apple juice and proceed to tell the interviewer that you brought your own drug test sample whilst accidentally spilling it all over the table and their laps...." -- MatteBlack84
"Nah, if you're serious about it you'll use apple cider vinegar. They will never get that smell out." -- whiskeyweedwood
"I'm never on time for work as I sleep a lot but at least I'm not tired when I arrive" -- WhiskersCleveland
"In the 5 years I have been at my job I have slept through 3 alarms. As it turns out my natural wake up time is 10am.....2 hours after I start work." -- Ziogref
Pro Tip: Stay on Topic!
"Interview going well."
"Female Interviewer : Do you have any questions ?"
"Me : About you or the company ?"
"Female Interviewer : .............."
"Haunts my memory to this day"
Mid Shift Only
"I had a guy applying while completely stoned."
"He was like « don't worry, I only smoke in the evening. Well sometimes before breakfast too »"
All About Eye Contact
"I will noticeably slide my hands down my pants. Then, while maintaining eye contact, take a deep and drawn out sniff of my finger."
"I proceed with the interview as if nothing has happened."
That Was One Tough Year, Whichever It Was
"'Wait, what year is this?' I actually said that in an interview."
"I had been traveling a lot and got some years and dates mixes up. The interviewer questioned me on how long I had been working in Germany, and I mixed it up. And I actually said that."
"Needless to say I did not get the job."
Suppose Lyme Disease Would Be Worse...
"Here's what I saw someone do to tank their interview in 15 seconds. She stopped mid answer to a question, ripped her pantyhose open, dug out a tick, and then asked for a Band-Aid."
"No, she did not get a call back."
So Much Work to Do
"I'm black with a boring generic name. I've seen the light go out in many hiring managers' eyes the second they see me. Only takes about 10 seconds."
A Contemporary Offense
"I interviewed someone who rolled her eyes at me when I asked her to put a mask on before we got started."
"Spoiler: she did not get hired."
In and Out
"We have a guy come in and say 'so I actually exaggerated on my cv just to get my foot in the door, I've never actually done any of those things'...."
"ok, bye then."
"As an interviewer let me say my favorite one."
"Me: What's your greatest strength? Candidate: uhhh well I guess free lifts.. I can do like 80 now..."
"I had to excuse myself and leave the room. Mind you this was some 16 year old interviewing for a grocery store but to this day I still think I should have hired him."
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