That's not to say the whole article is Testes Fest 2021 (please don't, you guys.) but I'm not in the business of lying. This article is not the one for younger readers or anyone who just isn't here for juggling any more balls than they had to.
I'm not sorry for that pun.
Reddit user "SecretariatGodHorse" asked:
"Women, what are some questions you've always wanted to ask men, but were too embarrassed?"
Pre"dick"tably, people started out with everything you never knew you needed to know about ... well ... you read my intro. You know what you're getting into.
Let's just go on ahead and get the probing penis questions out of the way now.
New Kinds Of Kisses
Lips Kiss GIFGiphy"When you use the toilet, does your weenie just hang into the toilet? Do you rest it on the seat? Do you ever get poop splash on your ween?" - misternuggies
"It hangs. Sometimes a splash hits the balls. Poseidon's kiss they call it." - SkeletalElite
"When your tip touches the toilet bowl/rim it's called The Witch's Kiss " - CaptainFeather
All About The Scrunch
Track And Field Dancing GIFGiphy"What happens to your balls when you run?"
"Are they just banging around? Do they stick between your thighs? Do they end up tucked? I've been dying to know, thanks." - Gettin-liiifted
"The nutsack isn't always floppy. It scrunches up or loosens. They don't flop when scrunched."
"Also Underwear keeps it in place." - LemonWaluigi
"Yeah, this is the answer. Your sack can contract so much, it presses your balls pretty far into your groin area."
"Then they don't dangle. They're just there." - Weikor
An Inconvenient Truth
Are You For Real No Way GIF by 1 Play SportsGiphy"Is it true you really get random boners?" - Kanyesb7889
"Yes. Distressingly often as a teen, but even later on it happens." - SoAngry75
"Constantly... I was told at some point that they would stop... I'm thirty f*cking seven and still waiting for that time I can stand up without having to shift things to hide it...." - kezow
"51 here. Hasn't stopped yet. I'm guessing they won't be able to close the coffin lid when I die at this rate." - gonesnake
Great, now that we've gotten all that out of our systems it's important to remember that men, like all humans, are so much more than their crotch-quirks.
Some may not always like to admit it, but there are hopes, fears, insecurities and genuine emotions happening over there. Of course there are!
Human - to - human, the questions turned into something more interesting. We got examinations of what patriarchy, socialization, and expectations look like in the real world.
In short - it got real.
Throwing Away Your Shot
Giphy"Is it true that guys generally hesitate or avoid going up to and talking women that are super attractive?"
"I mean like a 9 or a 10/10? Is attractiveness/appearance something that makes you stall when 'shooting your shot?' " - hoodfairyy
"Can't speak for all guys, but what I tell myself: 'Why the hell would someone like her be interested in someone like me?' " - LiquidGhost8892
"Absolutely. True story:"
"There was this really pretty girl in my friend group (all young 20-somethings) in San Diego. We'd hang out, go to parties, go to concerts, go to the beach, etc. I never even considered asking her out because she was waaaaay out of my league."
"One night she and I were the last of our group at the bar. She has no car so I offer her a ride home. She invites me in for a beer. Cool."
"We're watching late night tv and she leans her head on my shoulder. Eh, fine... we're buds, right?"
"Then her hand is on my thigh. Weird."
"I turn to look at her and she's looking in my eyes. I ask if she's okay and she says she'd be better if I kissed her. WTF?"
"She's like a 9 and I'm a 6 at best (maybe a Scranton 8). But, F*CK YEAH! We make out for a bit, but when I go to cop a feel she breaks it off and says, 'We've both had a lot to drink. Maybe you should sleep here tonight.' "
"I see I've blown it and say, 'Sure. Thanks.' "
"She heads to the bedroom and I kick off my shoes and stretch out on the couch. A couple of minutes go by and she comes back and says, 'Are you coming?' "
"WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS HAPPENING? But I smoothly go 'Um....yeah.' "
"That was Dec 12, 1981. We married April 3, 1982. Still going strong."
"If it wasn't for her, never would have happened." - CharDeeMacDennisII
For A Smile...
Flower Petals GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"I'm with someone who buys me flowers to make me smile--what would be something I could do similarly for him that is nonsexual that would brighten his day?" - JustFineAnd
"Be the big spoon. Scalp massage. Back rub, not necessarily a massage, either."
"Next time y'all are watching TV in bed or on the couch. Let him lay his head on your chest or lap, and run your fingers through his hair, or just pet his back like a dog. Even better if he's shirtless and you can lightly scratch his back."
"May not seem like much, but it makes a big impact on us, even if we may not immediately show it. For me, it slows my mind. Helps me stop thinking for a while and process the here and now so much better." - Infectious_Cockroach
"Compliment him. He may not show it on the outside, but he's giggling and blushing on the inside." - wamj
Clingy
Season 5 Hug GIF by The OfficeGiphy"How often do men want to be hugged? Does it feels clingy, if a girl offers it every now and then ?" - SpillBeanss
"Cling to me and just never let go. I wouldn't mind. Hugs are great!" - SlamUnited
"I don't know how many guys I speak for but for me being hugged by a girl you're dating or are close with is like getting permission to relax and be happy." - Crionso
"2 situations when someone being clingy has been an issue: when I was going to work and was already late from my schedule and when trying to do a #2."
"Any other time than those, if you're the one I love you could glue or tape yourself to me and I'd be happy." - Betanyymi
What About Your Friends?
Season 5 Friends Tv Show GIF by FriendsGiphy"Do you ever worry about what your friends think of the attractiveness of your girlfriend/wife? Like are you ever worried that people you know don't find her good-looking or judge you for being with her?"
"(This question is obviously coming straight from my insecurities lol.)" - MommaJ94
"I actually did have this fear with my last girlfriend. She was a bigger girl and I wasn't really concerned about what they thought, but just didn't want anyone being judgmental toward her."
"It's hard to explain, I wasn't ashamed of her or anything, just hate the thought of people judging her by her appearance." - saddestclaps
"I have never once asked my friends their opinions on my significant other's appearance, and I have never offered my opinion on theirs. And now that I think about it, I haven't really had an opinion on their looks by means to judge them." - secret-hero
Commitment Comments
Running Away Bake Off GIF by The Great British Bake OffGiphy"What makes you want to commit (be exclusive, or get married) does it have anything to do with your partner or more of 'I have to be ready within myself first?' " - Secretly_Uninhibited
"For me it was needing to feel like I had personally matured enough to be committed."
"I didn't want to commit to someone who was clearly ready to commit to me if I wasn't ready and could somehow end up wasting their time." - Langhof
"I pushed my wife away for a while, not cut I didn't like her, just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We've been married for 10, together for about 15." - LostOldAccountTimmay
There's a lot more in the thread, but there's only so much article time you can devote to erections, hugs, and that one guy whose now-wife is the real MVP.
Shout out to that lady. We applaud you, sis.
But we should also be prepared and ready to ask the right questions to have a leg up on the competition.
"What is THE best question to ask on a job interview?"
A company's history or information about a past employee were suggested subjects appropriate for questioning.
Prior Knowledge
"When you were interviewing here, what would you have liked to know before you joined?"
"This worked for me. I asked my interviewer a question about how she had personally dealt with a company policy she had just explained. She bragged about her stellar adherence to the policy. I nodded my approval. I got the job."
A Previous Employee
"One that has always gone over well for me:"
"What were some qualities that the previous employee in this role brought to the job that you would like to see carried forward?"
"Another good thing to do is research the company you are interviewing with and you can ask things about what they may be involved in or you could drop that while reading about the company, you wondered this."
Hypothetical questions were suggested as helpful examples of inquiry.
Indicators Of How Companies Treat Employees
"A question that landed me a job once was: 'If I asked your direct reports about your management style, what do you think they'd tell me?' Stumped a hiring manager and he emailed me personally to tell me about it, no one ever asked him that question but got the job.
"In my current interviews I'm asking 'what did your company do for its employees during [the virus] to improve their day to day, work life balance, etc.' and I ask 'Is there anything your company adopted during [the virus] that they plan to keep post [the virus]?"
"These questions give a lot of insight into whether a company treated their employees well."
Past Performance & Adjustments
"If we were currently sitting in my 1 year review, what would I have done in this year for you to say I excelled in my role?"
"If I could snap my finger right now and change anything about your job or the company, what would it be and why?"
The following questions about a prospective company may not be answered from initial digging on their website.
Measure Of Success & Career Trajectories
"How is success measured in this role?"
"What are some possible career trajectories within the company that could stem from this position?"
Being A Solution
"Ask them what is the biggest problem you can solve for them in your first six months with the company. Similar to 'don't think of a purple hippo,' this forces them to imagine you succeeding in the position."
Simply The Best
"Who is your best employee and why is he/she the best?"
"You will then face 2 situations mostly:"
"panicking CEO who can't answer you 'Bob who works 17 hours a day for a slice of bread' so the fear in their faces must be a big nono for you"
"entusiast CEO who actually follow their business and can tell you who is an added value for the company and why."
– ThePiz91
My experiences with job interviews are different than others seeking work in office environments.
Having had a years-long career as a dancer, my "interview" was the dance audition, where hopefuls dance in small groups of people at a time after learning a routine and then awaiting their fate after the panel evaluates their performances.
The question I may or may not have asked in such a scenario earlier in my career was: "Did I make the cut?"
I did not make the cut. And I learned never to ask that again.
I remember the worst date I ever had. My biggest regret is that I stayed for the entire thing. I should've left as soon as I realized this was not going well, which was basically at hello. But he was paying so I drank, a lot. I'll keep names and dates to myself to protect the innocent.
0/10
Big Brother Reaction GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Went to brewery, date said I had hairy arms and that meant I was horny, said "you look really awful in this light" and then tried to dig out of that hole by saying in his native language that was a term of endearment long term couples said to each other. 0/10 did not date again."
Lucky 13?
"My wife wanted to plan our 13th wedding anniversary. I was excited because usually, I plan it. She bought us some new disc golf discs and after a quick supper, we went to play. We hadn't played in forever. We were laughing and I had a great time. She served me with divorce papers and told me that the date was a test to see if she still had feelings for me. I also learned that she was having an affair that started well before our anniversary."
- rmorlock
Two Hours from Home
"Not necessarily a date but a person I was dating invited me to his parent's house for the afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to them and show me the house he grew up in. I thought it was super sweet and had no problems going. He was also in the middle of moving and needed to pick up a few things, so it really didn't seem that unusual."
"Yeah, we got there and it was awful. His entire family was there. They traveled from hours away too. This was not just meeting the parents, it was meeting the ENTIRE family. Even worse? At some point, this idiot told his parents that he had proposed. We had been dating TWO months. I spent the entire afternoon dumbfounded and just playing along."
"We were two hours from home and I had no cell service, no way to leave at all. We ended up spending the afternoon brainstorming wedding ideas and planning an Alaskan honeymoon that his parents planned to gift us. His brother even called to say congratulations! We drove back to his apartment in silence. When we got there, I got in my car and left, didn't even bother grabbing my stuff. Weirdest experience ever. I have no idea how he broke it to his parents that we weren't getting married."
You're Cut Off!
"Got set up on a blind date once between mutual friends. She shows up to the restaurant already a little tipsy, orders multiple appetizers and only takes like one or two bites from each one. Then she proceeds to order 3 or 4 more drinks and is visibly drunk at this point. She gets up and says she's going to the bathroom and staggers off. About 15-20 minutes go by so I try to call her several times but no answer."
"Finally I decide to pay the check and just leave. About 2 hours later I'm sitting at home and I get a call from an unknown number. It's the police department. She was picked up on a DUI on her way home after she ditched me and gave the cops my number to see if I could go bail her out!"
- mox44ah
Sorry?
Bbc Three Idk GIF by BBCGiphy"Well, I gave this answer on a different topic, but it ties in with this. We were out on a date, we had been seeing each other for a while, close to a year maybe. She gets a phone call. Suddenly she looks destroyed. Her fiancé had just died in a motorcycle accident."
What in the world? I mean how can we ever expect to pair off with the dating pool being inundated with liars and nut jobs? I'm going to delete my apps.
Girl, Bye.
Sassy Beyonce GIFGiphy"Had a girl openly flirt with the bartender in front of me. She says she wasn't. But handing him her own phone and asking for his contact info in front of her date seems like it to me."
Crazy!
"Came out from a movie, late at night, and date's Camaro was stolen. Apparently, he called his WIFE (that I did not know he had) and let her know where he was and what happened. She showed up and realized he was on a date! She started chasing ME around the parking lot telling me she was going to kill me. Saved by the cops who showed up just in time to take the auto theft report."
Hey Mom
"Met a girl at a country bar one night in my 20s. We were both pretty drunk but hit it off pretty good. Ended up getting her number and we agreed we'd go on a real date. Fast forward to the date, she gets in my vehicle and... she looks almost identical to my mom. I was mortified. I was polite and we went for lunch where I found out she also had a boyfriend she "wasn't sure if she was into". Never talked to her again."
- SgtGo
Liars...
"When I was in college many years ago, before the advancement of cell phones and social media, I was chatting with a girl I met on a BBS who lived on Long Island, NY. I was 18 at the time, but lied and said I was 22 because she said she was 25. We spent a few weeks emailing each other, as well as calling each other."
"We even exchanged pics. When we finally met up, things blew up. Turns out we both lied about our ages: She was really 33, and lied because she thought she looked younger. She admitted she sent a college photo to me. We still had dinner together, but it was awkward as hell. We never spoke again."
Doubles
Kill Me Now Season 1 GIF by FriendsGiphy"It was a double date. She was more interested talking to the other girl throughout the whole thing. Found out later from the other guy that his girl cheated on him with my date."
Ummm... I think I'm just going to stay single. That is a handful of crazy. Why can't people just be honest? I swear the search for love warps people's brains. Be careful out there people.
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