People Share The Best 'Dad Jokes' They've Ever Heard

People Share The Best 'Dad Jokes' They've Ever Heard
Anita S. from Pixabay

Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.

Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.

And their humor is changed forever.

This isn't confirmed, but it would appear that all the dads have a secret weekly meeting where the latest puns are exchanged and exercises in awkward timing are practiced.

A mighty craft is honed, and he can fill the role he was meant to: the colossus of cringe, the pun producer, he who instills the sigh.

And yet, for all the cringing and the facepalming, we love to say the very same jokes. There is just something about that quaint stupidity.

BennuH asked, "What's the best 'dad joke' you know?"

Regional Laws 

"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"

"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"

"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"

-- TinyLuckDragon

For the Face Plant Image  

"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"

"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- hatsnatcher23

"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- sxeoompaloompa

A Mammal of Few Words 

"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"

"Bison" -- TatooineLight

"LOL" -- BennuH

"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- Type10Civilization

Baggage

"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"

"I never knew my real ladder" -- DavosLostFingers

"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- WaldhornNate

Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public 

"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"

"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"

"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- mcnoobs_

"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- Madanax

Not Wrong 

"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter."

-- OrangeMirrorJuice

Watch the News Before Saying This One 

"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"

"It's okay, they eventually woke up."

"I cringe every time." -- unicorndreamz94

"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- Aubear11885

Got a Million of Em

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."

"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."

"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."

"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."

-- WholeGrainMustard

G-Pa With the Physics Humor 

"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"

"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"

"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- ConceptUpset4681

"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- VaultBoy9

A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor 

"I have a joke about elevators."

"It works on so many levels......." -- M0ntgomatron

"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"

"It went all the way to the top." -- RandomName222222222

E.T.

" 'What is ET short for?' "

" 'He had short legs.' "

- Drerex

Denise

"A Frenchman’s wife was about to have twins but he was in the bush at his logging job so he couldn’t be there for the birth."

"Instead his brother kept his wife company in the hospital. When the twins, a girl and a boy were born, she allowed the brother to name the kids."

“ 'What did he name them asked the father on the phone that night?' "

" 'Well your daughter came first and he named her Denise.' "

" 'Beautiful!' said the husband. 'And what did he name my son?' "

" 'Denephew' she replied."

- Rockterrace

Better Than Nothing

"Q: What’s better, complete happiness or a ham sandwich?"

"A: A ham sandwich, because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a ham sandwich is better than nothing."

- MikefromMI

A Bar

"Two cows walk into a bar."

"First cow looks at the other and says 'I guess you didn’t see it either.' "

- elmo1371

Salad

"Mine isn’t the 'best' per se, but it made me laugh when my stepfather texted it to me:"

“ 'I always knock before I open the fridge' "

“ 'Why?' ”

“ 'There could be a salad dressing!' ”

"It made me laugh. He never makes jokes like that."

- bluejellyfish52

Scandinavian

“Why do Norwegian navy ships have barcodes on the side of them?”

“So when they come into port they can Scandinavian”

- Scared-Cap-8683

Best Told When...

"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks 'Do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?' "

"The pirate responds 'Argh, it's driving me nuts!' "

"Best told whenever my daughter has a new friend over. At this point she simply rolls her eyes."

- tweakingforjesus

Dads Haircut

"Story behind mine-"

"I was cutting a friends hair at my dads place, (I lived out of state so I would hook people up when I came back)
He came in and said:"

“ 'Oh no, I can’t believe you’re letting her cut your hair! She told me she was giving me 50% off!' "

Then he promptly removed his hat, exposing his (what I refer to as) horseshoe male pattern baldness with shiny bald top.

- dailyjouska

Canadian Geese

"What’s the difference between geese and Canadian geese?"

"Geese go 'honk! Honk!' ”

"While Canadian geese go 'Honk, eh! Honk, eh!' ”

- [Reddit]

The dad jokes never end! What's your favorite?

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