Optimus Prime can open doors.
This seems perfectly reasonable if you're talking about Optimus Prime the leader of the Autobots and possibly the greatest Transformer to ever transform.
But I'm talking about Optimus Prime, my 90 lb rescue pit bull who likes to break into neighbors homes.
Reddit user AngusGibsonT asked:
" Pet owners of Reddit, what's the quickest you've gone from 'My sweet furry angel' to 'Why are you doing this, you goddamn goblin?' "
When we adopted Optimus Prime, we had no idea he knew this little trick until he let himself out of our house and INTO a neighbor's home down the street.
They were polite ("Um, hi, it seems we have one more pit bull in our living room than we did a few minutes ago. Are you missing someone?") and he isn't aggressive—but anything can happen out there and it's my responsibility as his person to keep him safe.
He's not safe letting himself into and out of rooms, houses and buildings.
Mr. Prime is a stunningly gorgeous boy who loves his cuddles and doesn't understand personal space—do any bully breeds? Why do they need to be snuggled constantly?
But he is also a monster who lets himself out of our house, the vets office, friends places, the car and pretty much anywhere else.
Flat handles, round handles, pocket doors, child locks, kennels—none of it matters. Only a deadbolt has foiled him, so now our front door stays deadbolted.
The thing is, he doesn't DO anything once he opens the doors. He just opens them and stands there, sometimes across the threshold so you can't close it again.
Aside from the time he visited the neighbors, he mostly just seems to have a thing against closed doors. There's no panic, there's just typical bully refusal to leave something alone.
So me and 'Houdini The House Manatee' (he's enormous, grey, and lazy) spend the day playing passive-aggressive games. He walks around opening the doors and just standing in the doorway. I spend the day closing the doors he opens 'cause we live in Florida and mosquitos.
Optimus isn't the only pet wreaking havoc.
Pet owners of Reddit absolutely do not have it together and it makes me feel a little better about myself, honestly.
Rabbit Becomes Man, Man Becomes Pest
"I have raised two rabbits from birth. They're half-siblings with the same father; a boy and girl."
"Girl has always been shy and sweet. And so was boy …up until his testicles dropped."
"My boy became a man overnight, and not a good one."
"Up until his appointment for neutering came, he became the devil incarnate. Honking, running around in circles, pissing all over his toys. All toilet training completely forgotten. Biting us. Growling. Scratching. Wiping his tic-tac on anything fabric. Destroying anything in his path."
"We lined a Perspex storage box with hay that we used as 'horny jail' - a time out zone, if you like, to sit think about what he’d done."
"He’s still a little bruiser by nature, but after his surgery he calmed down immensely, especially once his sister was spayed as well."
"On the day they were reunited, I held my breath as they sniffed and chased. But they re-bonded successfully and are inseparable. He’s so protective of his sister and grooms her regularly."
"He’s smaller than his sister, and I think he just has Little Man Syndrome half the time. I wouldn’t have him any other way"
"Tldr; Boy rabbit becomes man. Man becomes pest. Pest has his balls cut off. Pest calms down and becomes a loving brother. I love him."
- LexiRae24
Giphy
The Dogs Plan
"Had a pit when I was in my early 20s."
"I went through some crap and ended up pretty much homeless. I did have a hotel room for a few months, which made me feel grateful to no be on the street."
"My job at the time was crap pay for sh*t work."
"I was down to my last few dollars and bought some chicken nuggets for myself and got my dog his food, because I'd rather barely eat than to see him hungry. Chicken nuggets wouldn't fill me, but it would be SOMETHING and he could eat too."
"For the first time ever, out of nowhere, he jumped on the table and ate my chicken nuggets. I didn't even have enough money for a single pack of ramen."
"I was so mad I yelled and screamed at him and he took off running out the door."
"He was gone almost 3 full days till some old man came walking towards the hotel with my dog on a leash. He came to my door and said he'd seen me letting the dog out before and found him behind his garage."
"We chatted a while and I ended up sharing my struggle story with the old man. The next day I get a call in the hotel room phone with a job offer making almost 16 an hour."
"Old man owned a small construction business and created a position of 'Site Cleaner' for me. I just picked up trash and swept floors after drywallers and electricians etc."
"My first check had a bonus on it labeled 'down payment for apartment.' I still think the dog had his own plan."
- phatkidd76
Giphy
My Husbands Cat
"My husband's cat loves him, and only him, unreasonably."
"It's adorable. He's her person and she gets jealous if he's snuggling me instead of her. We're on the couch and he puts his arm around me? She'll squirm her way onto his lap and just stare at me. So that's pretty cute."
"The problem is that when he goes away, she cannot handle it at all."
"This critter goes through the stages of grief, every time. One day of denial (she hangs out on his office chair and generally behaves normally)."
"Two or so days of bargaining (she climbs on my lap, apparently hoping that if she acts real cute, I'll turn into my husband?)"
"Three days of depression (she hides under his desk and only comes out to eat at night.)"
"Finally, she hits anger. She waits until I clean the litter box, and have gone outside to throw the poo out. Then, she SH*TS ON THE FLOOR."
"This lasts anywhere from one to seven days and does not end until my husband returns. She never progresses to the acceptance stage."
"OH BUT IT GETS BETTER. It all ends when my husband finally gets home."
"This ungrateful sh*tgoblin sees him walk in the door, looks me dead in the eye, and strolls into the litter box like she hasn't just spent the last week tormenting me."
"I get it. It's absolutely separation anxiety. Poor goblin."
"We have tried Feliway, but I'm allergic to it. So we set her up in my husband's office overnight (food, water, litter, and privacy from my rambunctious cats) and make sure he leaves some unwashed shirts for her to snuggle."
"She's only got one eye and doesn't hear well so I think it helps her feel safer. But nothing will satisfy her until her person returns."
- WavePetunias
Giphy
Rabbits Can Climb?
"When my then 18 month old, ball of attitude with fluff on it house rabbit bit through my laptop cable while it was plugged in, then proceeded to get angry with the cable and kept biting it because it was biting him back."
"I got home to a totally destroyed cable and a rabbit who had nothing but a minor stomach problem for a few days."
"Everything was on top of a table - including the outlet! I didn't know the little bastard could CLIMB to reach the top of it. Did you know rabbits can climb? BECAUSE I DIDN'T."
"There's no way he could have jumped on stuff to get up there. He literally had to calculate a route and CLIMB."
"All accessible cables are now fully armoured and I check everything for potential bunny access, no matter how improbable."
"He's ridiculously lucky to be alive. He's 6 in July."
"He's a total prick. But I love him."
.- CrazyPlatypusLady
Giphy
Brownie Time
"My German Shepard."
"Wife decided to make brownies in a glass pan. After they had cooled down, we put them back in the oven to eat after we went to go pick up dinner."
"Well, we came back to an open stove, dog diarrhea mixed with vomit all over the house, and my dog laying in the center of the living room - hyperventilating."
"Old boy had used a tea towel we had hanging over the handle to pull the stove open, and decided to eat the brownies, glass pan and all! He must have pulled the pan out and eaten the brownie - and half the shattered glass pan."
"Thankfully this was 22 years ago and I had access to a military vet so it 'only' cost $1200 for the surgery he needed to have the vet remove glass out of dummy’s stomach."
"He lived for another 10 years."
- Hardheaded_Hunter
Giphy
Menace To Society
"I am constantly flip flopping between the two"
"My cat is adorable and I love her. But god damn she is just... she's a f*cking menace to society, honestly."
"Cat outside the window? Gotta try and murder it through the window and then maul mom for a week when I can't. Why? Because yes, that's why."
"New furniture in the house or old furniture being disposed of? I am now angry, let the mauling commence once more. For an entire week."
"Something left on a table? I must knock it off the table."
"Same item now put in a deep cubby to prevent me from being an asshole? I must claw my way into the cubby, and then knock it on the floor again."
"Too close to the cat tree for too long? Time to slap."
"Hold her for a second too long after she bawled around the house with her toy in her mouth demanding cuddles? Time to maul."
"There's a box outside? or a bag? Time to attack the window until it's investigated by someone, and then it's time to maul mom for a week about it."
"I don't know why she feels the need to be a spicy lil sh*t. It's a good thing I named her Pepper, I guess."
- GenjisWife
Giphy
Chinchilla Love
"My chinchilla goes from 'sweet innocent fluffball who just wants some treats and pets' to 'horny little bastard' real quick."
"I’ll just be sitting with him giving him pets and he’ll try to hump my foot. Or the blanket. Or a pillow. Or a stuffed animal. Or my knee."
"Honestly, any nearby semi-soft thing is in danger of being humped."
"He’s also jizzed on his vet. More than once."
"The vet never seems shocked by it, though. Male chinchillas don't normally get neutered since it's risky for them. It's usually only done if there's a medical reason for it, so this must happen pretty regularly."
- whateverimtootired
Giphy
Gag-Crying
"I had a really well-behaved blind foster dog."
"I was very sick one night and put him to bed in his kennel (which he loves) earlier than normal. I slept later than normal too since I felt so horrible."
"I woke up expecting him to have had an accident and was so proud he hadn't pooped anywhere since I'd left him in there so long."
"That is, until I brought him out of his kennel and he chugged an entire bowl of water and then threw up. Turns out he had pooped, but then eaten it and now vomited watery poop all over my doormat."
"Since he'd drank so much water, it spread all over my floor. Cue me gag-crying with a bottle of 409 and paper towels."
"I didn't blame him, obviously."
- astrosergeant
Giphy
Merry Christmas
"When one of my cats was still a kitten, she would climb the Christmas tree. We thought it was funny and didn't really mind that much because she wasn't big enough to knock it over or really cause any damage."
"Until she decided to open her mouth as wide as possible to bite a FREAKIN GLASS ORNAMENT and then it basically got stuck in her wide open mouth."
"My husband and I were both freaking out and trying to get it out of her mouth, and then the GLASS ORNAMENT BROKE IN HER MOUTH. Shockingly, she was perfectly fine and somehow didn't cut her mouth but it was the most ridiculous and terrifying thing I've had a pet do."
"Our Christmas ornaments are all made of plastic now because of this."
- beloved_wolf
Giphy
Under Two Feet Of Snow
"My dog loved snow. I love snow."
"The first time I ever got to take him out in a proper blizzard in NYC was so exciting. It dumped so hard so fast, I had never seen anything like it. I had to take him out for a walk."
"He was beside himself, hopping in and out of deep drifts like a juiced up rabbit, completely disappearing beneath the surface and re-emerging a few feet away, crazed. So pure, so playful. That’s my boy."
"It was late at night in Brooklyn, streets were empty."
"I took him into a fenced-in basketball court up the street from my apartment. Pristine, untouched snow. I let him off leash to go absolutely nuts in the stuff. I stood by the gate beaming as he dashed and darted and dived."
"Within seconds he made a bee-line to the far corner where he began rolling around, fixated. I knew that roll. The roll reserved for smelly things."
"By the time I sprinted to the far end of the court he was covered, head to tail, in soft wet human feces. Someone, at some point before the storm, literally sprayed an ungodly amount of diarrhea shit in the corner of that court and despite being buried under two feet of snow, my dog immediately clocked it and bathed in it."
"It was matted so deep in his fur I spent over 6 hours cleaning him and the mess in my apartment that night. And still had to call a cleaning service and air out the stench for days and days in the dead of winter."
"Dogs, man..."
- MEEfO
Giphy
"The Sweetest Psychopath"
"Pretty much everything."
"I adopted her at two years old, some sort of pitt mix, and the vet pegged her perfectly. She said 'she's the sweetest psychopath we will ever meet.' "
"She's so lovable and loving, but has such a strong prey drive and fear of the unknown. Poor girl. I love her and hate her every f*cking day."
- Gotforgot
Steve
"One time when I was doing homework at the kitchen table, my puppy (Steve, who it now 5 I believe?) was just chilling under the table."
"Suddenly, I hear gagging noises. I look under the table with my mom to see what is happening."
"That a-hole throws up a whole sock! Then just acts like nothing happened."
- Alyvent
Bless You
"My cat came up and was purring and giving me little kitty kisses as I was eating my birthday breakfast."
"Then he sneezed in my open mouth and on the bite of food I was bringing to it."
- PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET
Groggy Gribble
"Wasn’t there to experience it, but when my dad took our new kitten to get neutered, he warned the vet that he was quite the little bastard."
"He explained that he will bite, claw, scratch, & draw blood from anyone he felt even slightly intimidated by. The vet (obviously) said it was fine, & that they see cats much worse all the time. In fact, Gribble (my cat) was completely calm after leaving the kennel."
"My dad brushed it off & chalked it up to the vet being good at his job."
"When my dad returned to pick Gribble up, the vet had his arm stretched out as far as possible while holding Gribble by his neck & cautiously approaching my dad."
"Apparently, after the grogginess wore off, Gribble went absolutely batshit on the vet & his assistants, leaving decent sized marks to prove it. All the vet had to say was, 'Well, I can see what you meant earlier.' ”
- beccabitesback
Lizard Puppy
"I have an Argentine blue Tegu I adopted after his original owner passed away."
"For those of you who don't know Tegus are often called 'lizard puppies' by the internet and for good reason. They're affectionate, Intelligent, and all around very personable large lizards with one exception."
"Anywhere between 10 months to 2 years or so when tegus hit puberty they enter a brief but violent stage of growth that tegu owners affectionately call 'guberty'."
"During this stage they literally act how you'd expect a raging, hormonal teenager to act and become Satan incarnate. They will lunge at and bite anything that moves and seemingly overnight transform into a vengeful God of hatred trapped in a little scaley package no matter how much they bonded with you before."
"My boy went from being a sweet, beautifully socialized little man into a emo teenager who didn't just threaten you with dark poetry and blasting Black Sabbath in his room all day; he had a powerful bite and tail to back up the threats."
"There was an extra twist to his behavior I didn't quite expect though. Apparently during this time male lizards can also get extremely horny; especially if their owners are female."
"Instead of lunging at me with pure adolescent hatred my little man had other intentions when he attempted to latch onto my leg or arm."
"He rubbed his ass on everything to leave his scent, would come running at me full tilt, and I had to wear shoes when I was in the house or he would attack my feet, rip off the sock, and steal it so he could attempt to violate it."
"I gave him a stuffed turkey so that he could take out his horniness on that instead of trying to latch onto my arm or leg."
"Did I mention tegus have powerful jaws? Because they do, and honestly I'm lucky the bites I got were the gentler amorous kind."
"I saw his gross little winky far too many times that summer. I would have preferred he just hated me like a normal lizard but no. I had a 6 lb horny lizard, instead."
"Thankfully my boy got through 'guberty' and is back to his sweet self and giving me an appropriate level of affection when I take him out every day to roam my house."
"I know his previous owner would have laughed his ass off at the ordeal."
- Alternative_Many_614
Smacking A Service Dog
"I have PTSD and a service dog. He is my second, after my first lovely lady retired (but never stopped working) and then passed on."
"This isn't about him, but does involve him. This is about my cat."
"I've had this cat for almost as long as I've had a service dog and my working theory is that he learned from my first that he could do something to help me when I needed help."
"It's wonderful having two animals who are so attentive to my needs. It's not so wonderful for one of them to be possessive over the ability to do things for me."
"Sometimes, when I need help and my cat has gotten to me first (usually because he can be up on my desk/table/etc while my dog is next to me on the ground) my cat will get prickly with my dog and be like, 'I GOT THIS. Jeez, leave off! I got it this time!' and slap him in the face with his paw when he too tries to help."
"and my poor dog is like, 'but it's my job. I need to do job for human. I can't leave! I HAVE JOB.' "
"My previous service dog was pretty good at rolling with this and let him help me while squishing against my back safely away from kitty paws."
"My current service dog has not puzzled this out yet and will keep trying to help from the front and keep getting bapped in the face for his troubles."
"Fortunately, I can ask my dog to go fetch something for me (meds, sweat shirt, what have you) so he can still do something for me even if he isn't immediately doing the getting-all-up-in-my-bzns thing he's trained to do."
"This isn't every time. My cat hovers nearby if my dog gets to me first, which is usually."
"On occasion, he will come over and try to take over if he thinks my dog isn't doing a good enough job, which involves smacking my dog to get him out of the way."
"This is very rare, and seems to happen less and less as my cat gets older. My guess is he is grudgingly deeming my dog is doing a better job than he initially thought."
- FaustianPacts
Now, because I'm the kind of writer who knows what the people really want—here's a picture of Optimus. Specifically, a picture of him gorgeously basking in the light of a door he just opened.
Dog tax paid, dear readers.
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The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
Giphy
"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Giphy
"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
Giphy
"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
Giphy
"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.
