Image by đź‘€ Mabel Amber đź‘€, Messianic Mystery Guest from Pixabay

In a perfect world, each child's parents have the time, energy, and emotional bandwidth to offer their undivided attention whenever it's asked for.

These utopian parents could take an extended time to answer strange questions, more compassionately persuade children to improve behavior, and even give honest, age-appropriate answers about all things birds and bees.


Alas, that is not the world we live in. Parents get busy, they become frustrated after six hours in the hot sun, they have financial stresses that weigh on the tone and tenor of their responses to their kid's questions and behavior.

So there are plenty of convenient lies that parents told us kids. As adults, we can zoom out and understand exactly what the motive was.

But at the time, how confusing and earth-shattering those all seemed.

Xrty9y asked, "What are some of the most absurd lies your parents told you?"

Many people described the lies their parents told to influence behavior. But the common thread was the persuasive argument the parents chose in all these cases: medical health.

Nothing is scarier than a horrifying terminal illness.

Case Closed 

"One time I was just chillin in my room and my dad walked in, looked at me and said 'son, you know if you masturbate too much you will die.' "

"And I was like 'umm okay dad cool.' Then he walked out. Super weird lol"

-- Nap_Nap

Babies Popping Up Out of Nowhere

"That babies came when a man and a woman love each other soooo much. I once cried and told my teachers I was scared I'd have a baby with my dad because I love him so much..."

-- Useful_Mushrooms6522

Niche Line of Work 

"A blowjob is when someone gets a job as a glass blower." -- ZsaFreigh

"Glassblowers do work around glory holes so I guess it's not totally a lie" -- Ejacksin

"How'd they get the job" -- mrrowr

A Classic 

"staring at the microwave could give you cancer" -- Springtrappity

"I feel like I can't even call that a "lie" since lying implies that the liar knows it's false. Can't speak for your parents, but I know my dad actually believes that." -- sleepyHS

Stop Asking for Those!

"That my uncle got cancer from having lunchables for lunch at school. Like damn, just tell me we can't afford it." -- Electronic-Ad3386

"This might actually be possible because of the preservatives used in the cold cuts."

"There was a study done that showed a link between eating deli meats and higher rates of cancer. A follow up study looked into it more deeply and found it nitrites/nitrates being used as a preservative was messing up the good bacteria in your gut... leading to cancer in some folks." -- c0ng0pr0

"If that was my Mom's thought process I'll eat my shoe" -- Electronic-Ad3386

Bears On the Run 

"I used to wear a bear costume like everyday when I was 5. One day, my mom already freakin' tired of that costume told me it was 'bear hunting season' already and that it was no longer safe to go out dressed like that."

"The memory of she telling me that is forever locked in my memory now. I still to this day remember how reckless I felt for not having considered that..."

"We still laugh about that lie"

-- DasThrowawayen

Other lies were all about the food and nutrition.

It can be so tough to make kids try new things or eat the healthy foods they need to. So some convoluted reasoning was in order.

Eat All the Pickles You Can 

"My dad told me that every pickle you eat adds 5 minutes on your life. I was like 5 and damn did I ever take that to heart." -- covidongrounds

"Dear lord, if that's true, I've got about 100 years left to go. I am 55 years old." -- flowerlady327

A Colorful Past

"Asked my dad why most of his hair was missing. He told me that when he was young, his hair was so silky and soft, the fairies came in the night and pulled it out, strand by strand, to make silk curtains for their fairy palaces."

"Also, the reason he had a gold tooth was that he stopped one night to help a witch who was stuck by the side of the road with a broken broomstick. When he mended it for her, she cast a spell and gave him a golden tooth to say thankyou."

"Don't you dare say my pa was lying to me unless you can prove it."

-- TOMSDOTTIR

A Truly Boring Place 

"If we couldn't decide on a restaurant, my dad would tell us we'd better make up our minds quick or he'd take us to Vegetable World."

"I was like 11 before I realized it wasn't a real restaurant. By golly, it worked until then though."

-- Prossdog

Crust Motivation

"You learn to whistle by eating all of your sandwich crusts."

"If you can keep from licking the hole after losing a tooth the replacement will grow in SOLID GOLD!"

-- genraq

Finally, there were those lies that parents seemed to simply tell to sound like they know the inner workings of every earthly phenomenon.

We weren't well-read at the time, so they could've said anything. And honestly, they did.

A Very Complicated Apparatus 

"My dad tried to tell me that cars were run by hamsters on wheels under the gear shift, and they knew to run because the stick ended in a block of ice that would go on their backs."

"I was eight and asked him wtf he was talking about. He had been told this by his uncle and believed it, and was disappointed it didn't work on me."

-- Allredditorsarewomen

Galaxy So Far Away It's Not Here 

"I was told that Star Wars was real. Didn't take too long to figure that one out." -- Pickle_Rick236

"I would have been devastated to learn it wasn't true lmao" -- annalavoi06

"Whatchu mean? Star Wars is completely factual." -- socksandshots

No Touching

"A friend told me their parents would take them to 'the toy museu' aka FAO Schwartz, and nothing is for sale there, they just display the toys." -- primalscream

"Sounds similar to the 'music truck' my parents told me about. No ice cream here!" -- Stormmonger

A Two Step Trick 

"My mom told me that she could always tell when I was lying because my ears would turn red. Years later, I realized my ears didn't turn red but walking up to her with my ears covered with my hands likely gave me away."

"I use it on my daughters now and it still works!"

-- Yahoo157

The Harvest 

"I asked my dad where babies came from. He told me that he found me and my sisters in my mom's cabbages. All he had to do was flip over the leaves and he saw our faces and pulled us out."

"My sisters and I spent hours looking for new babies."

-- 1BoiledCabbage

Hands Off the Lights!

"There's a 5cent charge every time we touch the light switch so my brother and I were costing them a fortune every time we played with flickering the lights." -- Goldofsunshine

"lol my mum said millions of bugs would crawl out of the switch :(" -- muntanasaurus

Reverse Hibernation

"My dad has ridiculous cold tolerance. He's the kind of guy that will be out in shorts and a t-shirt when it's 36 °F outside. When I was six, I asked him how he was able to stand it, and he told me he just absorbed heat all summer long and stored it for the winter."

"He worked outdoors all summer, so it made perfect sense to six year old me."

-- Moctor_Drignall


So maybe you're a new parent. Take some notes on these. They just might get you out of a jam one day.

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