911 is a serious phone line and should not be used as an alternative to the shopper's network, psychic hotline or your local sushi delivery. And if you house people who are mentally not prepared to use the line judiciously, then please hide all the phones. That should be the warning that everyone hears when calling into the emergency phone service, but then we wouldn't have some solidly funny stories about when the less than stable ring up our officers. It's not right, but it's okay.
Redditor u/KrystalGamer246 was dying to hear about the 911 calls that could be in a comedy series by asking... To any 911 call operators, what is the funniest 911 call you've ever had?Wrenched
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A guy calls from a payphone to complain that he has a pipe wrench stuck up his butt and he needed an ambulance. He gave his location as the corner where the payphone was located. I asked him if he could tell me his appearance so I could be sure the medics could find him. His response, "look dude, I'll be the only guy on the corner with a pipe wrench in his butt." I couldn't argue with that...
Duck. Duck. Owl
My kid worked for animal control, we are eating dinner and 911 dispatch calls him. Some panicked lady had called 911 about an owl in a tree that couldn't fly. It had been sitting in the tree for a half hour not moving. Of course it was just before dusk and the owl was just waiting for dark so it could go hunt for dinner.
Then there was the call about the one legged duck at the park...
Edit to add: he actually went to the park to make sure the duck wasn't injured but realized after 15 minutes how silly he looked chasing after this one legged duck that was outrunning him.
Say "AHHH"
My mom was a 911 operator in the SF Bay area in the 80s and 90s. I asked her to tell me a story to pass along, so here it is:
I got a 911 call and I couldn't understand the caller. He was slurring his words. I knew he was calling from a bar so I asked if he'd been drinking and after asking many times I asking, I was able to determine that he wanted the police, not an ambulance.
He wanted to file assault charges because a woman pulled his tongue. I asked, "how was she able to pull your tongue?" and he said, "because I stuck it out at her." I had to keep muting the call because I was laughing so hard.
Apparently my supervisor went on to play this call in seminars for years and always got a ton of laughter.
Barefoot, no shirt......
I used to do overnight security, and have had to call 911 several times. My favorite was a gentleman who was obviously on something, jittery, touching his face a lot, couldn't sit still.
He tried to break into a house next to our campus. So I dialed 911 right then. As I'm giving them a description of what he is wearing, he starts stripping his clothes off, running across our campus. So I have to tell the 911 operator, "Yeah, he butt naked in the middle of street, laying down. I think he's doing the worm." We lost the guy on cameras, no clue where he is. Five cop cars show up and they round up the only guy in our area with no shoes or a shirt.
We went outside to give the cops a statement, and the guy is trying to convince the police that he is the one who called them to report someone stealing his shoes. The cops don't buy it for a second. But they let him go, and he just runs off into the night. Barefoot, no shirt.
2 Cows Running....
I called 911 about two cows running around on a street by my parents neighborhood. 911 operator asked me to describe the animals and I said "lady I promise you they're the only 2 cows running down the street right here." Then one got hit by a jeep and I had to clarify that there was now only one cow running down the street.
Dinner?
My department dispatches our area's animal control after hours. Once received a call from a guy freaking out because he caught a possum in his house. I asked him which room he was able to confine the animal and he didn't tell me which room, but said he trapped it in a microwave. I had many questions.
Change the Speed
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My late aunt once called 911 because my uncle wouldn't change the fan that was blowing on her. Because it was a small community in NE Michigan, the police laughed and came out and changed the fan.
Haunted
I'm not sure if this is true, but I read about an old lady who called 911 because a ghost was in her house. She was a sweet woman who apparently made calls often, so the officers showed up and pretended to arrest the ghost so she would feel better.
Excuse me. Manager?
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At a long term care facility I worked at One of our residents called 911 with the phone in her room because she didn't get ketchup with her lunch. Not kidding. The Sherrif's office called back to let the nurses know what she'd done while I was standing right there. I've never laughed so hard at work.
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Do we even have a clue that they're the "one" that got away? How long until it sinks in? And how do we not know there isn't another "one" coming behind them? I have no answers. Just asking...
The Draft
Episode 1 Omg GIF by RuPaul's Drag RaceGiphy"The girl who summoned up the nerve to ask me out towards the beginning of high school. I was so humiliated by the life my family was living that I stalled until she gave up."
"Betsy, if by some stroke of dumb luck you're reading this... I'm so sorry. It was 25-27 years ago, but I still hate myself for that. You were beautiful, intelligent, a good person, and if I had anything resembling a stable, presentable home I would've said yes in a heartbeat... I had a crush on you since 7th-grade 'intro to drafting.'
I Love Her
"Weird, I was just confiding in my mom about this last night. I'm late but for catharsis's sake I'm going to post. My first girlfriend is a classic case of you don't know what you have until it's gone. She's the complete package. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and so kind. We started dating when I was 17 and broke up when I was 21."
"For reference I'm 30 now. I was an idiot. I wanted to play the field. I wanted to party and hook up with college girls. It was fun at first but after a while I felt this gnawing hole in my heart. The feeling of doubt crept up slowly and still, a decade later my chest feels tight thinking about it."
"I didn't realize until my later serious relationships that getting along with your SO's family is so important. Her mom and step dad genuinely treated me like a part of their family. It's not a stretch to say I literally grew up with these people. I spent some of my most formative years with them. Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, you name it. They celebrated me and my accomplishments. They genuinely cared about me. Just amazing, salt of the earth, lovely people."
"Her birthday was in March and I sent her a text and we ended up talking for a bit. She's happily married and stable with a daughter and a second on the way. I'm genuinely so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I just wish I was a part of that. Sitting at work 10 years later I'm tearing up. I numbed myself out to it for years, it's so strange to me that I've been so stuck on her lately. Is this normal?"
- direct07
15 Years Later
"My very first real love. I was a teenager and I didn't really know how to be comfortable in myself or with myself. I played silly teen girl games and lost him even as a friend. Now 15 years later I still think about R from time to time. I genuinely hope he's happy in his life."
"Edit: Wow this blew up while I was sleeping. Thanks for all the sweet words and to everyone with their "one" congratulations! I suppose I hadn't looked him up on social media because I'm scared, scared he won't respond, scared he will respond, scared he'll think I'm a stalker. I'm in a happy relationship now, but what if... Etc etc etc. But I'll give it a Google."
Missed You Much
rhythm nation dance GIF by Janet JacksonGiphyA girl I dated in high school. Went on a date one time she took me out parking and I was too stupid to realize it.
"She always talked about moving away as soon as she got finished with high school. I always thought I would stay in a little town the rest of my life. Turns out I was the one who left and move to another state. Later I heard that she had told someone that I knew that she thought that we would be married at some point. Missed it by that much."
Ok... I've been a bit blind to the light. People can be cruel, but also highly creative. Why not just lead with the truth? It'll always hurt more after lies.
Chuck E.
Chuck E Cheese Wink GIFGiphy"Ah the rare AskReddit question I can answer."
"I met a wonderful woman circa 2013-2015. We worked at what I can best describe as an upscaled Chuck E Cheese. Or ghetto Six Flags. Your choice."
"We hit it off instantly, though at the time I was rather romantically inept. Eventually, she says she's leaving to join the Air Force. I tell her I'll miss her, and wished her well. The thought of asking for her number so we could stay in contact didn't even cross my mind."
"Cue the next day, I stop for lunch on my way to work, and as I'm walking to my car I hear my name being called. I turn around, and it's her, running toward me. Universe giving me a second chance, right? Wrong. My dumb butt still didn't ask for her number. She looked a little upset, and I still think about her often. Desiree, I hope you're doing well."
The Getaway...
"He was my first and last love. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. We bounced around like idiots, on again off again, finally got together mid 20s. We both fell into bad habits - drugs and alcohol, more booze for me, more drugs for him. We had some bad things happen that were pretty detrimental to staying sober. We would split, reconcile, get sober, fall off the wagon, split, etc... repeat as necessary. We realized we were very bad for each other unless we could BOTH just get sober for ourselves, and split."
"Ten years later, I was sober for 7 years (still am, going on 18 years end of this month, actually! Woo, go me!) and he was beginning to come back, sober about a year. He contacted me, we met, talked about trying again. He said that once he had been totally clean for a year, we'd do it. That whole "Don't make any changes for a year" thing. I would visit him, tho, things were good."
"He woke up one morning feeling bad, thought he had the flu. (This was pre-now) I stayed around because he was sick, but neither of us thought he was drastically bad, just the flu, right? He got worse and worse, finally we called an ambulance because he got up from a nap and couldn't breathe. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Aortic dissection."
"He got away, but someday I'll see him again. I never stopped loving him, and him me. We just weren't good for each other."
Ce la vie...
"My most serious Ex."
"Don't think I truly understood love until I met her. Loved her more than I ever thought I could love anything. It eventually ended when she told me that, through no fault of my own, she had fallen out of love with me. That was 2 years ago, still hurts to think/talk about."
"Ce la vie..."
The Avoid...
"I'm in the middle of trying to avoid that right now actually."
"It's not worth the heartache trust me. I fought to stay in a relationship for an entire year. If I would've just let her go the first time she wanted there would've been a lot less pain. We would've left on good terms. I would've lost a lot less sleep. Rip the band-aid off because once the band-aid starts peeling it's inevitable it'll fall off with time."
Kim Tate Eye Roll GIF by Emmerdale"My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago. Mutual breakup through a lack of communication on both ends I feel."
"Thought I was over that hill until this week she messaged just to say hey and ask an innocent question. We text for the best part of the day and it's brought up a lot of old feeling. Feeling pretty bitter sweet right now."
Love is a mess. Why even bother trying if you can't be true? It's not hard to just spell out the situation. And if you're the one needing to put together the words... look closer. The dialogue shouldn't be difficult.
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