As a teacher, you have to maintain some level of composure in front of your students in order to gain their respect. But students say the darnedest things taking everything in the teacher's power not to break. Here are some outrageously funny things teachers shouldn't have laughed at.
1/27. Last year, my classroom carpet had the alphabet border around the edges. One of my students, Demetrius, liked to sit on the letter D because it was the first letter of his name. One day, Zaria sits on the letter D. Demetrius gets in her face and yells, "Zaria! Get off my D!" I lost it.
2/27. My friend was subbing in a high school class. The teacher had left some work and the kids all had these sheets they had to fill out. One kid (let's call him Jimmy), who was overweight, was bringing his filled out sheet to the teacher's desk when another female student (think Mean Girls) asked out loud: "Jimmy... why are you so FAT!?" Before my friend could say something, Jimmy replied with:
"You want to know why I'm so fat? Because every time I see your mother, she gives me a cookie and tells me she wishes I were her kid instead of you."
My friend had to leave the room so as not to laugh. Everybody lost it and apparently the girl even apologized because Jimmy's comeback was too good.
3/27. When reading Hamlet with the class, after Ophelia's line about Hamlet, "To speak of horrorshe comes before me," a kid said, "Hamlet, get it together, man." I cracked up. The other kids didn't get it luckily.
4/27. I confiscated a balloon from a kid one day, because he was making that really loud squeaky noise with it. Two minutes later I looked over and he had another balloon. A blue one this time. Took that one too. Next time I turned my head he pulled out another one. Red. Took it.
This went on for another two minutes or so, which counted another three balloons. I finally asked him how much longer this was going to go on, to which he just kinda shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, how many more balloons do you have?" I asked him.
"I dunno, couple?" he said, as he opened his backpack.
His backpack was literally full of balloons. There were at least a couple hundred in there. No books, no pencils, no spare room for anything else, save for the five or six balloons that I had confiscated a few minutes prior. There were four or five pockets on the bag that I asked him to empty, which were all filled with balloons as well.
All in all, the kid was very dedicated to the gag, so I told him that if he promised to do the same thing to another particular teacher, he could get them back at the end of the class.
More hilarious stories teachers weren't supposed to laugh at on next page!
5/27. When I was in grade 1, I was some seriously hot stuff. I knew my times tables up to 12, was picked first for dodgeball and everyone wanted to trade their lunch with me. I had it going on.
Now, one day, we're all assigned to write a small story to share with everyone at the end of the day. Most kids haul out a sheet of looseleaf and a pencil, one kid's in the back eating glue, but me? I've decided to write a monster of an epic tale, the likes of which Tolkien himself would be proud. I haul out not one, but FOUR sheets of looseleaf, but then I had an even better idea : if I fold the sheets in half twice, I can snip the top edge and have an EIGHT PAGE BOOK. That thang is gonna have a picture on the cover with MY name on it as the author. Aw yeah, I was gonna be making it RAIN smiley stickers.
So I labour away creating a fantastic novella about three little ducks. I've got a story, a villain, and a picture on every page... And did the fact that I couldn't find my yellow crayon stop me? Hell no - I updated my working title to "Three naked ducks" and coloured them peach.
I turn in my book and go crack a juice box with my buddy simon.
Finally, at the end of the day my teacher, Mrs. Davis, calls me to the front of the room to privately discuss my masterpiece - "yes!" I think, "this is it kid, you're moving up to the big leagues" and practically skip to the front of the room.
Mrs. Davis looks me right in the eye, face flushed and strained, with tears in her eyes and says,
" 'Duck' is spelt with a 'u', not an 'i' "
6/27. Teacher hears a girl's phone vibrating in her purse and says "I hope that is a phone." Teacher walks another two steps and realizes what she just said. Class erupts in laughter.
7/27. One of my preschoolers said, "I love you Miss Amiso, but I'm too old for you."
Apparently a five year old is too old for me...
8/27. One time a kid twisted another kids nipple as he raised his hand to answer a question.
9/27. This year, we were talking about our families. Dads were a difficult subject of discussion last year because I taught in a neighborhood in which most students didn't have dads, or if they did, they were in jail. Students would shout out things like, "My dad sells drugs!" or "My dad yells at my mom!" in this oddly excited voice because they didn't have filters yet & were just happy to have a chance to share. This year, most of my students have more traditional families. The other day, one of them shouted out, "My dad snores when he sleeps!" & another student responded with, "My dad sleeps naked!" Hilarious.
Now, I can't look at that dad without blushing.
More stories of teachers trying to keep their composure in front of their students on the next page!
10/27. My friends wife is a high school music teacher, and she told me a story.
She went into class and was getting set up, when she sees this kid take his trombone and place it between his legs and slid the slide out going "Look, I got a tromboner."
She said it was very difficult to discipline him while not laughing her butt off.
11/27. I teach undergrad courses. I caught a student that had plagiarized a few paragraphs in one of her papers. I asked her to stay after lecture and sat her down, asking if she had plagiarized her paper. Her eyes got huge, she welled up and then she said, "I did! I'm so sorry! I was so tired and had so much work and my roommate told me to do it and said you would never find out." Then with the most serious expression she whispered, "And, I know now she's the devil!"
I did not laugh even though I really wanted to.
12/27. My friend is standing at the front of the room as class is about to begin. The student comes barging in the room and basically yells at my friend, "MR G.!! I DON'T NEED YOUR QUESTIONS, I JUST NEED ANSWERS.....CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!?" My friend was somewhat stunned, then as he was holding back laughter, he said "Sure..."
13/27. My friend is walking down the hallway headed to his classroom as the bell has just run. The hallway is basically empty, except for one student. He's standing at his locker with his backpack right in front of it. My friend walks over and says to the student "Hey, you need to get to class" to which the kid responds "I'm headed there in a second Mr. G." My friend sees him messing with his backpack and being secretive. Fearing he may have something (drugs, weapon, etc), he asks him what he's doing.
The kid pulls his hands out of his locker and is holding... two small turtles.
14/27. I taught daycare for four years. My favorite was when a four-year-old would curse. It usually went like this:
"Sh*t" "Jack said, 'sh*t.'" "Ms. Fickvitch, they said 'sh*t.'" "Who said 'sh*t'?" "My dad says you can't say 'sh*t'." "My dad says 'sh*t' all the time."
15/27. I was a student when this happened, but a friend accidentally said "Octopuses have 8 testicles" instead of "8 tentacles" when reading in a science class. The teacher was having a VERY hard time holding back laughter.
More outrageous student comments that had teachers trying not to laugh on the next page!
16/27. My wife is an elementary art teacher, which basically means constant stories.
My favorite is from a time when kindergarteners were playing with Play-Doh. Class was ending, and one little fella was just standing there, looking down. Wife checks to make sure he's okay, he turns around, showing the little Play-Doh snake he's holding to his crotch and says, "Look! It's a wiener!"
17/27. Our aunt teaches kindergarten. Often, kids are exposed to swearing and profanity at a young age. One time, she asked her students to sit "Criss-cross Applesauce" and one kid wasn't paying attention. His friend next to him whispered, "Hey, criss-cross applesauce motherf*cker!"
Needless to say, my aunt couldn't contain her laughter and had to leave the room for a minute.
18/27. There were three kids that were friends, but ones who, in a high school fashion, enjoyed ribbing on one of the friends as often as possible.
The bell rings, the Ribbed-on-One (R.o.O.) gets to the table first, and has his hood up on his hoodie. Not sure why - I have never understood it, I feel like it restricts my vision. Regardless, there he is, sitting at a table, with his hood up.
The two friends come in through the door and see him. I think they had this planned for a while, because what's next was a shared look and two students jumping into action.
They walk across the room to the table. One pokes R.o.O from behind in the side, and then begins to tickle him.R.o.O leans forward in response, and tries to swat the hands away.
The other friend comes from the side, closest to me, and takes the strings of his hood and yanks them - completely closing the hood. While R.o.O. is still being tickled by the first guy, the second one ties the string to a leg of the table that they sat at.
So, R.o.O is flailing his arms around wildly, while trapped in the hood of his hoodie and tied face-down to the table.
It was over in less than 10 seconds. It was amazing. Probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
19/27. I'm in the front of the classroom talking about stoichiometry and balancing reactions. Out of the corner of my eye I see two girls talking to each other and not paying attention to me. The rest of the class was though, so I didn't want to pause the class just to get their attention. I sort of ignore them for the duration of the lecture and keep observing them out of the corner of my eye, waiting for them to look over at me.
One girl shows the other girl her palms like they're about to give each other a double high five while the other was visibly nodding her head in agreement. The second girl then begins to cup her own boobs and then the first girl says something like: "WOW, you're right!" and she moves her hands to the other girl's chest.
(story continued on the next page...)
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At this point I finally catch their eyes and I mouth the words: "WHAT THE F*CK" to them. They immediately sit up straight and they pay attention for the rest of the lesson.
During individual study time I go up to the two of them, and was about to tell them how inappropriate their actions were, especially when surrounded by teenage boys who'd get a raging boner from well...anything. As I'm walking up to them, they take a look at me, look down at my hands, and then begin to freak out and saying: "oh my god" repeatedly. With no advance warning, they then grab my hands and do they whole hand size comparison thing. I'm a lanky six and a half foot tall man with pretty large features. I can palm a basketball.
They then begin explaining how they were talking about how big their hands (or boyfriend's hands) had to be to fully cover their boobs. Not wanting to hear more, I start shaking my head incredulously (what the f*ck?) and begin walking away. Their last remark to me was: "You can get any girl you want with those hands, Mr. Bigtcm!"
Took a ton of willpower not to turn around and smirk.
20/27. I was teaching English to a class of primary school kids. I was teaching them plurals by showing them a slideshow of cartoon monsters ('It has three eyes', 'It has four legs' etc) and getting them to tell me how many limbs and stuff each monster had. One little kid, five years old, got really into it and on one monster shoots his hand in the air and comes out with 'It has one... ANUS!'
I was speechless for a second so he jumped up on his chair, backwards, bends over and starts pointing to his arse shouting 'NO TEACHER! ANUS! IT'S ANUS!'
21/27. Not my story, but my little brother's. When he was in 1st grade, he told his teacher a joke:
Bro: Why did Captain Hook die?
Teacher: I don't know, why?
Bro: Because he wiped with the wrong hand!
Apparently she had to step out of the room for several minutes so she wouldn't be seen laughing at his joke.
22/27. I was a teacher's aide in a third grade classroom. It was the last day of school before Spring break and all the kids were so excited, it's a big party day. We had pizza, watched the muppets movie, and all the kids brought gifts or dessert foods for everyone else. One kid wanted to make personalized bookmarks for the rest of the class. He decided to look around his dad's work place to find something he could use.
In the trashcan there were a bunch of long strips of cardboard. The only thing was the cardboard came from cigarette cartons and his dad worked at a liquor store. So on one side there was a kid's name and cute pictures, on the other was blatant advertising for Marlboro, Pall Mall, Camel, you name it. It was so hard to not laugh when he came up to me and excitedly show them to me. This was my first time working in a classroom and I had no idea what to do, the teacher ended up having me take them to the supply room and laminate them with construction paper covering the other side. We told the kid it would help them last longer.
His bookmarks were everyones favorite gift.
Mine still has the Al Capone logo on the back though.
More hilarious stories on the next page!
23/27. (student waiting late after rehearsal)
Kid calls home: "Hey can you tell mom to pick me up? Oh, she's in the shower... what about dad? He's in the shower too... ?"
Turns to teacher: "It's going to be awhile Mr. M"
24/27. A girl, trying to prove she was worthy of getting into an Advanced Placement Lit class asked me of an essay: "Is it good?! Did I show you my AP-ness?!" (Say it out loud)
25/27. Grade 11, reading Romeo & Juliet aloud.
There's a line at the beginning where a character says "Bring me my long sword, ho!"
My friend got the inflection on the "ho!" completely wrong. He said it with such enthusiasm too, it was hilarious. Our teacher smirked.
26/27. I had a student who had extreme test anxiety. Every time we went to take a test he would throw up. After vomiting he would be fine, but he had to spew everywhere first for stress reduction or something.
I would seat him next to the bathroom and provide a bucket. Now this worked on normal days but during our state testing he would not be able to go to the restroom unless I first called an administrator to escort him.
On the big testing day we practiced breathing techniques, I had a handy vomit bucket for him and we were ready to go. After ten minutes he sure enough looked like he was going to be sick. Except he forgot about the bucket.
He vomits and then tried to hold it in his mouth. He shoved his puke back in his mouth, swallowed and smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up.
Horrified, yet simultaneously holding back laughter I gave him wipes and a bunch of mints.
The kid did great on the test in the end.
27/27. From when I was teaching preschool:
"You have blue eyes like my mommy, but her tatas are HUGE!"
Uh, thanks, kid.