As a teacher, you have to maintain some level of composure in front of your students in order to gain their respect. But students say the darnedest things taking everything in the teacher's power not to break. Here are some outrageously funny things teachers shouldn't have laughed at.
1/27. Last year, my classroom carpet had the alphabet border around the edges. One of my students, Demetrius, liked to sit on the letter D because it was the first letter of his name. One day, Zaria sits on the letter D. Demetrius gets in her face and yells, "Zaria! Get off my D!" I lost it.
2/27. My friend was subbing in a high school class. The teacher had left some work and the kids all had these sheets they had to fill out. One kid (let's call him Jimmy), who was overweight, was bringing his filled out sheet to the teacher's desk when another female student (think Mean Girls) asked out loud: "Jimmy... why are you so FAT!?" Before my friend could say something, Jimmy replied with:
"You want to know why I'm so fat? Because every time I see your mother, she gives me a cookie and tells me she wishes I were her kid instead of you."
My friend had to leave the room so as not to laugh. Everybody lost it and apparently the girl even apologized because Jimmy's comeback was too good.
3/27. When reading Hamlet with the class, after Ophelia's line about Hamlet, "To speak of horrorshe comes before me," a kid said, "Hamlet, get it together, man." I cracked up. The other kids didn't get it luckily.
4/27. I confiscated a balloon from a kid one day, because he was making that really loud squeaky noise with it. Two minutes later I looked over and he had another balloon. A blue one this time. Took that one too. Next time I turned my head he pulled out another one. Red. Took it.
This went on for another two minutes or so, which counted another three balloons. I finally asked him how much longer this was going to go on, to which he just kinda shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, how many more balloons do you have?" I asked him.
"I dunno, couple?" he said, as he opened his backpack.
His backpack was literally full of balloons. There were at least a couple hundred in there. No books, no pencils, no spare room for anything else, save for the five or six balloons that I had confiscated a few minutes prior. There were four or five pockets on the bag that I asked him to empty, which were all filled with balloons as well.
All in all, the kid was very dedicated to the gag, so I told him that if he promised to do the same thing to another particular teacher, he could get them back at the end of the class.
More hilarious stories teachers weren't supposed to laugh at on next page!
5/27. When I was in grade 1, I was some seriously hot stuff. I knew my times tables up to 12, was picked first for dodgeball and everyone wanted to trade their lunch with me. I had it going on.
Now, one day, we're all assigned to write a small story to share with everyone at the end of the day. Most kids haul out a sheet of looseleaf and a pencil, one kid's in the back eating glue, but me? I've decided to write a monster of an epic tale, the likes of which Tolkien himself would be proud. I haul out not one, but FOUR sheets of looseleaf, but then I had an even better idea : if I fold the sheets in half twice, I can snip the top edge and have an EIGHT PAGE BOOK. That thang is gonna have a picture on the cover with MY name on it as the author. Aw yeah, I was gonna be making it RAIN smiley stickers.
So I labour away creating a fantastic novella about three little ducks. I've got a story, a villain, and a picture on every page... And did the fact that I couldn't find my yellow crayon stop me? Hell no - I updated my working title to "Three naked ducks" and coloured them peach.
I turn in my book and go crack a juice box with my buddy simon.
Finally, at the end of the day my teacher, Mrs. Davis, calls me to the front of the room to privately discuss my masterpiece - "yes!" I think, "this is it kid, you're moving up to the big leagues" and practically skip to the front of the room.
Mrs. Davis looks me right in the eye, face flushed and strained, with tears in her eyes and says,
" 'Duck' is spelt with a 'u', not an 'i' "
6/27. Teacher hears a girl's phone vibrating in her purse and says "I hope that is a phone." Teacher walks another two steps and realizes what she just said. Class erupts in laughter.
7/27. One of my preschoolers said, "I love you Miss Amiso, but I'm too old for you."
Apparently a five year old is too old for me...
8/27. One time a kid twisted another kids nipple as he raised his hand to answer a question.
9/27. This year, we were talking about our families. Dads were a difficult subject of discussion last year because I taught in a neighborhood in which most students didn't have dads, or if they did, they were in jail. Students would shout out things like, "My dad sells drugs!" or "My dad yells at my mom!" in this oddly excited voice because they didn't have filters yet & were just happy to have a chance to share. This year, most of my students have more traditional families. The other day, one of them shouted out, "My dad snores when he sleeps!" & another student responded with, "My dad sleeps naked!" Hilarious.
Now, I can't look at that dad without blushing.
More stories of teachers trying to keep their composure in front of their students on the next page!
10/27. My friends wife is a high school music teacher, and she told me a story.
She went into class and was getting set up, when she sees this kid take his trombone and place it between his legs and slid the slide out going "Look, I got a tromboner."
She said it was very difficult to discipline him while not laughing her butt off.
11/27. I teach undergrad courses. I caught a student that had plagiarized a few paragraphs in one of her papers. I asked her to stay after lecture and sat her down, asking if she had plagiarized her paper. Her eyes got huge, she welled up and then she said, "I did! I'm so sorry! I was so tired and had so much work and my roommate told me to do it and said you would never find out." Then with the most serious expression she whispered, "And, I know now she's the devil!"
I did not laugh even though I really wanted to.
12/27. My friend is standing at the front of the room as class is about to begin. The student comes barging in the room and basically yells at my friend, "MR G.!! I DON'T NEED YOUR QUESTIONS, I JUST NEED ANSWERS.....CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!?" My friend was somewhat stunned, then as he was holding back laughter, he said "Sure..."
13/27. My friend is walking down the hallway headed to his classroom as the bell has just run. The hallway is basically empty, except for one student. He's standing at his locker with his backpack right in front of it. My friend walks over and says to the student "Hey, you need to get to class" to which the kid responds "I'm headed there in a second Mr. G." My friend sees him messing with his backpack and being secretive. Fearing he may have something (drugs, weapon, etc), he asks him what he's doing.
The kid pulls his hands out of his locker and is holding... two small turtles.
14/27. I taught daycare for four years. My favorite was when a four-year-old would curse. It usually went like this:
"Sh*t" "Jack said, 'sh*t.'" "Ms. Fickvitch, they said 'sh*t.'" "Who said 'sh*t'?" "My dad says you can't say 'sh*t'." "My dad says 'sh*t' all the time."
15/27. I was a student when this happened, but a friend accidentally said "Octopuses have 8 testicles" instead of "8 tentacles" when reading in a science class. The teacher was having a VERY hard time holding back laughter.
More outrageous student comments that had teachers trying not to laugh on the next page!
16/27. My wife is an elementary art teacher, which basically means constant stories.
My favorite is from a time when kindergarteners were playing with Play-Doh. Class was ending, and one little fella was just standing there, looking down. Wife checks to make sure he's okay, he turns around, showing the little Play-Doh snake he's holding to his crotch and says, "Look! It's a wiener!"
17/27. Our aunt teaches kindergarten. Often, kids are exposed to swearing and profanity at a young age. One time, she asked her students to sit "Criss-cross Applesauce" and one kid wasn't paying attention. His friend next to him whispered, "Hey, criss-cross applesauce motherf*cker!"
Needless to say, my aunt couldn't contain her laughter and had to leave the room for a minute.
18/27. There were three kids that were friends, but ones who, in a high school fashion, enjoyed ribbing on one of the friends as often as possible.
The bell rings, the Ribbed-on-One (R.o.O.) gets to the table first, and has his hood up on his hoodie. Not sure why - I have never understood it, I feel like it restricts my vision. Regardless, there he is, sitting at a table, with his hood up.
The two friends come in through the door and see him. I think they had this planned for a while, because what's next was a shared look and two students jumping into action.
They walk across the room to the table. One pokes R.o.O from behind in the side, and then begins to tickle him.R.o.O leans forward in response, and tries to swat the hands away.
The other friend comes from the side, closest to me, and takes the strings of his hood and yanks them - completely closing the hood. While R.o.O. is still being tickled by the first guy, the second one ties the string to a leg of the table that they sat at.
So, R.o.O is flailing his arms around wildly, while trapped in the hood of his hoodie and tied face-down to the table.
It was over in less than 10 seconds. It was amazing. Probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
19/27. I'm in the front of the classroom talking about stoichiometry and balancing reactions. Out of the corner of my eye I see two girls talking to each other and not paying attention to me. The rest of the class was though, so I didn't want to pause the class just to get their attention. I sort of ignore them for the duration of the lecture and keep observing them out of the corner of my eye, waiting for them to look over at me.
One girl shows the other girl her palms like they're about to give each other a double high five while the other was visibly nodding her head in agreement. The second girl then begins to cup her own boobs and then the first girl says something like: "WOW, you're right!" and she moves her hands to the other girl's chest.
(story continued on the next page...)
More hilarious stories on the next page!
At this point I finally catch their eyes and I mouth the words: "WHAT THE F*CK" to them. They immediately sit up straight and they pay attention for the rest of the lesson.
During individual study time I go up to the two of them, and was about to tell them how inappropriate their actions were, especially when surrounded by teenage boys who'd get a raging boner from well...anything. As I'm walking up to them, they take a look at me, look down at my hands, and then begin to freak out and saying: "oh my god" repeatedly. With no advance warning, they then grab my hands and do they whole hand size comparison thing. I'm a lanky six and a half foot tall man with pretty large features. I can palm a basketball.
They then begin explaining how they were talking about how big their hands (or boyfriend's hands) had to be to fully cover their boobs. Not wanting to hear more, I start shaking my head incredulously (what the f*ck?) and begin walking away. Their last remark to me was: "You can get any girl you want with those hands, Mr. Bigtcm!"
Took a ton of willpower not to turn around and smirk.
20/27. I was teaching English to a class of primary school kids. I was teaching them plurals by showing them a slideshow of cartoon monsters ('It has three eyes', 'It has four legs' etc) and getting them to tell me how many limbs and stuff each monster had. One little kid, five years old, got really into it and on one monster shoots his hand in the air and comes out with 'It has one... ANUS!'
I was speechless for a second so he jumped up on his chair, backwards, bends over and starts pointing to his arse shouting 'NO TEACHER! ANUS! IT'S ANUS!'
21/27. Not my story, but my little brother's. When he was in 1st grade, he told his teacher a joke:
Bro: Why did Captain Hook die?
Teacher: I don't know, why?
Bro: Because he wiped with the wrong hand!
Apparently she had to step out of the room for several minutes so she wouldn't be seen laughing at his joke.
22/27. I was a teacher's aide in a third grade classroom. It was the last day of school before Spring break and all the kids were so excited, it's a big party day. We had pizza, watched the muppets movie, and all the kids brought gifts or dessert foods for everyone else. One kid wanted to make personalized bookmarks for the rest of the class. He decided to look around his dad's work place to find something he could use.
In the trashcan there were a bunch of long strips of cardboard. The only thing was the cardboard came from cigarette cartons and his dad worked at a liquor store. So on one side there was a kid's name and cute pictures, on the other was blatant advertising for Marlboro, Pall Mall, Camel, you name it. It was so hard to not laugh when he came up to me and excitedly show them to me. This was my first time working in a classroom and I had no idea what to do, the teacher ended up having me take them to the supply room and laminate them with construction paper covering the other side. We told the kid it would help them last longer.
His bookmarks were everyones favorite gift.
Mine still has the Al Capone logo on the back though.
More hilarious stories on the next page!
23/27. (student waiting late after rehearsal)
Kid calls home: "Hey can you tell mom to pick me up? Oh, she's in the shower... what about dad? He's in the shower too... ?"
Turns to teacher: "It's going to be awhile Mr. M"
24/27. A girl, trying to prove she was worthy of getting into an Advanced Placement Lit class asked me of an essay: "Is it good?! Did I show you my AP-ness?!" (Say it out loud)
25/27. Grade 11, reading Romeo & Juliet aloud.
There's a line at the beginning where a character says "Bring me my long sword, ho!"
My friend got the inflection on the "ho!" completely wrong. He said it with such enthusiasm too, it was hilarious. Our teacher smirked.
26/27. I had a student who had extreme test anxiety. Every time we went to take a test he would throw up. After vomiting he would be fine, but he had to spew everywhere first for stress reduction or something.
I would seat him next to the bathroom and provide a bucket. Now this worked on normal days but during our state testing he would not be able to go to the restroom unless I first called an administrator to escort him.
On the big testing day we practiced breathing techniques, I had a handy vomit bucket for him and we were ready to go. After ten minutes he sure enough looked like he was going to be sick. Except he forgot about the bucket.
He vomits and then tried to hold it in his mouth. He shoved his puke back in his mouth, swallowed and smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up.
Horrified, yet simultaneously holding back laughter I gave him wipes and a bunch of mints.
The kid did great on the test in the end.
27/27. From when I was teaching preschool:
"You have blue eyes like my mommy, but her tatas are HUGE!"
Uh, thanks, kid.
Insults come in many forms, most of them involving swear words or similar affronts. However, there is something to be said for a truly cutting remark made without the use of such language.
Some favorites are always old Victorian slang and insults. They just hit different. Something about telling an a-hole “you sir are an unlicked cub and your wife a sausage wallet" is just more satisfying. Although we do not recommend going around insulting people, the list of swear-free insults below will certainly get a chuckle.
Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:
“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"
“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots
“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter
You should apologize…
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin
“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth
How low can they go?
“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst
“That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.” give_it_a_vodkashotSeries 2 Limbo GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy
"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert
“From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”
"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven
These teachers got clap backs for days…
“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling
“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Priceless” melbers22
“I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken
Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne
“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi
“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg
“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2
“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”
"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026
Shakespeare master of insults…
“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil
“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying
Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.
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Aging is a sneaky process. Most of us don't realize how old we've gotten until we find we are no longer able to do things the way we used to with ease when we were younger.
Sure, it's depressing, but you know what? Aging happens to all of us, and no one is getting out of here alive.
"What gets worse with age?"
Physical consequences of aging is one of the cruelest things in life.
Watch Your Hyde
"Your skin. Take care of it. Skin cancer sucks."
What The Body Does With Food
"Every meal is followed by a poop."
"Bending over to pick a quarter off the ground. Hurts your back, gut and your fingers don't work. That's why there is change all over my floor. ;)"
After A Wild Night
"Hangovers for sure."
"At 18 I could go heavily drink and feel damn near 100% the next day. Now I get horrid mental and physical effects. Probably should quit drinking all together."
When our senses gradually start to fail us, it's yet another reminder of our brief mortality.
"Make sure you get your eye dilated every year and check for cataracts."
"My hearing is on the decline. I don't think it'll go completely, but I did get hearing aids last year."
The degeneration of certain abilities as we get older is too much to bear.
Staying Above Water
"My ability to cope. I'm just burnt out all the time."
"I feel the same. Aside from my family and friends, I have no care for anyone or anything anymore. Nothing phases me but that's not a good thing IMO. I feel very apathetic towards everything, I'm tired all the time and just want to lay down."
"The ability to sleep through the night."
"Used to be a world champion sleeper and now 5-6 straight hours is huge. Pretty much wide awake every night at 3am."
Putting Up With People
"Humanity.... The older I get the less I want to deal with people."
"Friendship - making new friends after your 20s becomes a big struggle, and the newer friendships just aren't the same. You can literally run out of 'lifelong friends' due to death, disease, people growing apart, etc."
I found as I'm getting older my patience and tolerance for certain things have gotten worse.
Waiting in line at the grocery store while someone fumbles with their payment option, or getting antsy when the food I ordered at the restaurant is taking way too long are things that never bothered me ten years ago.
I"m not curmudgeonly by any means, at least not yet. Besides, I'm not that old.
But to all the cranky elders I grew up with who complained about poor service or lack of efficiency, I get it now, and I hear you.
It's never easy to leave home.
Redditors that were kicked out before or at 18, what happened to your relationship with your parents afterwards?
Things outside your control, like divorce, shouldn't be the child's concern. If the parents don't handle things properly then unfortunately it ends up falling on the kid, forcing them to make the tough choice.
Putting Your Problems On Others
"Parents kicked me out when they got divorced and "couldn't afford to take care of me anymore."
"Struggled for a while but doing ok now. Don't talk to either of my parents and that seems to have improved my life quite a bit."
Suffering The Consequences
"My parents divorced when I was 12, dad had primary custody. He got a new girlfriend who hated me and my brother when I was about 16. My only request was they wait til I left for college to get married. He dumped me and everything that was mine in his house on my estranged mother's front lawn, jumped back in the car, and drove off a full two months before school started. They were married by August (on my mother's birthday)."
"I moved out of my mom's place as soon as I made a friend in the new city 500 miles from where I grew up using $400 a month he gave me for expenses to keep him from feeling too guilty about it (my mom's alimony payments expired right around the same time I left, so he just gave it to me instead of her, he did the same thing when he forced my brother out after I graduated. I joke when he's old I'll find him a nursing home that costs $400 a month so see can see what that buys you.)"
"I begged to be allowed to come back for holidays every year for a decade. I had to listen to my dad call me every holiday with his new wife's kids clearly there in the background and when I asked about it he would just sigh. One time he had me call his wife to ask her and she just spent 5 minutes cursing at me and telling me I was awful. I was maybe 19 and had never had any real trouble, legally, academically, or socially. I spent summers on my friends couches so I could go back to see them at least. He would try to meet up with me, but I was just so angry and hurt I usually didn't tell him I was in town."
"He is still shocked I don't want anything to do with him now that I'm older. He still thinks I deserve everything I got, which I know because it was the last thing I ever let him say to me before calling it officially done. He won't be at my wedding. He won't ever know my husband or my family. I'm done."
"Did fix my relationship with my mom eventually though. She was actually sorry for the time we missed and glad to have me back in her life. I'm also still tight with my brother."
Growing To Understand The Decision
"I was kind of a b-tch as a teenager, moved out at 17 after she gave me an ultimatum, didn't talk to my mom for three-ish years, then only on holidays. Then I moved back in with her for 6 months, which was not fun as someone 21 years old who had been on their own for 5 years prior."
"I did a lot of work in therapy and we repaired our relationship. She's now one of my best friends, we live about ten minutes apart, and I go over just to chat a few times a week."
"I hated her at the time, but I have grown to understand that she was trying to do the best with what she had. Also, I was a very difficult child."
You know what's a perfectly reasonable solution to not having a home to live in?The military, apparently.
(Only join if you feel that it's right for you. Don't let anyone make you join.)
Military Or Bust
"Six months before I was 18 my grandmother was adamant that she was going to take me to enlist in the military and I said no, so she wanted me out at 18. I arranged to move in with my gf."
"By the time of moving day, my grandmother was acting like our spat never happened- "keep in touch" "don't be a stranger" "dont burn any bridges". I only really interacted with her at family gatherings after that, and I have her on Facebook so she can keep up-to-date without me actively taking to her."
No, Really. Military Or Bust.
"My mom always said that "had to be out" at 18 once I graduated. I honestly took this to heart. I didn't have a bad relationship with my parents, but I was also left to raise myself most of the time."
"I graduated at the beginning of my senior year, was 18, and moved the f-ck right out, joined the military shortly thereafter. My mom had a fit. I thought this was what she wanted."
"I'm "OK" with my folks, but I basically left for 5 years and stopped calling. Still very much independent, very successful, and have very little of what is a relationship with them. I didn't have role models or people to guide me. I'm a parent in my 30s and I'm trying to unf-ck everything and treat my child like she should be treated, lots of attention and love. I'm salty about the way I was raised; I often upset at them. The more I grow, the more distance I out between myself and my parents."
"I'll be sure go guide my kid and not make her leave home asap."
A Fizzled Relationship
"I was 17 when my mom and I had a huge fight. She said, "If you walk out the door, don't bother coming back" - one of those empty threats. Of course she was surprised when I packed some bags and took off. I stayed with a guy that I had been seeing for a couple of months."
"That relationship fizzled out fast and I wound up coming back home. Learned fast that he was a drug user. He was also staying at his brother's house and said it was cool that I was there. But then the brother announced he was coming home - and that was it for me."
"Took a long time to patch things up with my mom. We started getting along better later in my life. It took a long time to get there though. My dad and I always got along well."
Then there's these situations, far outside the reasonable control of any child. Abuse and divorce are situations which shouldn't be placed at the feet of someone under 18, but this is how it goes sometimes.
Burning That Trust
"It's a long, ugly story. But yes, it did change everything. I still harbor resentment toward my mom for caring more about getting my stepdad out of jail than making sure I was OK or taking me to the hospital. I'll never stop loving my mom and I know she loved me back, but it was clear that her men sat higher on her priority list than I did. I was 16, he didn't even have a legal right to kick me out in the first place."
"And I obviously never trusted my stepdad again. I haven't talked to him since my mom died in 2010 and I hope I never see him again. I couldn't care less about how his life is going, I have more important things to focus on."
Lose A Key? Get Out.
"When I was 16 my mom invited her alcoholic boyfriend to move in with us. He hid his drinking quite well, and he hid the violent outbursts he had towards me even better. I tried talking to my mother and grandmother about it and they accused me of lying because I "just didn't like him". The whole thing snowballed and, because my dad wasn't talking to me or my sibling at the time (a key fell out of my pocket before I left for school, got locked out of the house for a couple hours. Apparently that was the worst thing ever and justified a massive argument and falling out), I ended up on a bus to a different city at 2am to live with a friend whose dad owned a roofing business.
Spent a few months hating every second of it and trying to make it on my own. Eventually, my mom's boyfriend started to go after my sibling, and it all ended when he threw a glass of water at them (glass included) in front of my mom. I was able to go back home, but things were never the same and I fell into a deep depression and it left me with some trust issues, especially with people around the age I am now. It also left me with an odd aversion to physical labour"
"A lot more has happened since then, despite repeated attempts to reconcile our relationships. I ultimately decided that I can't be around them, and that it's best to keep my distance from family. I talk to my parents once a year, on Boxing Day, and that's all the time and attention I'm willing to give to them"
Getting Out Of The House No Matter What
"I grew up in an extremely abusive household. Every category of abuse you can imagine."
"When I was 16 I was given a choice to either leave or go to foster care, so I packed what little I had and moved to another state. That was nearly 12 years ago."
"My relationship with my parents is strained at best, I rarely speak with either of them any more and I plan to change my legal full name and leave the country, so that I am not associated with them in any way, shape or form."
Keep your head on your shoulders. Have a plan. If it feels like you're set to be kicked out or, even worse, forced to leave for your own safety, start preparing.
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Like it or not, we've all met a liar or two. Some lies aren't so obvious either, and if the individual has a habit of lying regularly, then that's a sign that they could have a larger problem. Some lies are more innocent––we know those as "little white lies"––and typically don't harm anyone.
And some lies are just obvious and absurd––even entertaining. Why do people say these things? In truth (ha), the reasons might be complicated and the individual might not even be aware. We heard all about them after Redditor Mobile_Sturgeon asked the online community,
"What was the most obvious lie you've ever heard?"
"My friend told us..."
"My friend told us he was born mid-flight, and that it was on the exact border between Scotland and the USA, so he was half American, half Scottish."
This person has never looked at a map, have they?
"He then showed me..."
"My regular job is as a club promoter, I just work here [crappy retail franchise] for fun money." He then showed me a generic picture of a Ferrari and said that was his car.
Bonus lie, he told everyone he was 28 when he was clearly in his mid to late 40s."
"I stopped believing it..."
"My grandma got me to eat bread crusts when I was a toddler by telling me they're made of broccoli and cauliflower. I stopped believing it in a few months but it worked."
Ha! The creative little white lies that grandparents make up!
"My husband forgot..."
"My husband forgot to wake me up after promising me that he would. When I woke and realised that I may get late, I was pissed and asked him why he didn't wake me up as he'd promised, he told me that I was looking so cute, sleeping, that he didn't want to disturb me.
Well, after six years of togetherness, that is so obvious a cover-up for having forgotten something that I broke out laughing."
Oh, they totally forgot. But it sounds like you two are very much in love, so that's great!
"Aside from this bizarre quirk..."
"A guy at my local pub claimed to have written just about every popular song you could name, and when called out would get mad and come up with elaborate stories to explain how, for example, he had written "Stairway to Heaven" when he was 10 years old and been ripped off by Led Zeppelin.
Aside from this bizarre quirk, he seemed totally normal. Had a proper job and everything."
You meet some odd characters in pubs, but they're typically not hurting anyone, so leave it be.
"A friend of mine..."
"A friend of mine once told me a great story about something funny they did. It was hilarious.
Problem was, it was MY story. I had told it to him six months before. He told me the whole thing almost verbatim, only he had inserted himself where I had been in the story. I think that's my favorite."
"I had an employee..."
"I had an employee who was 45 minutes late to work and he told me with a straight face that he had to wait for a family of ducks to cross the road, and that's why he was late."
You have to admire his chutzpah, don't you? I cracked up at this.
"A friend I had in high school..."
"A friend I had in high school wanted me to come with her to Texas to visit her brother. Presumably, he was in a gang and had a million guns and robbed banks all the time. As if I've never seen a Western before.
Also she's adopted. She has a foster sister, a foster mom, and a pet dog named Snowball. I've been to her house. She has no brother."
"A girl I went to high school with..."
"A girl I went to high school with was neurotic about grades and rankings, etc. During the college application process, she was rejected from a school that accepted one of my close friends. We were discussing the school after class one day and this girl said 'Yeah, they rejected me but sent a letter saying they did it because I should go somewhere better given how strong my scores and grades are.'
That was very nice of them!"
Very nice of them, indeed! You'd think they'd be tripping all over themselves to have her!
"The more he spoke..."
"A security guard that works at a grocery store I once worked at said that he had been in Iceland. I asked him about the penguins he saw. He blabbed on about species of penguins that he created on the spot and that he was stationed there for military purposes. The more he spoke, the more the lie snowballed."
Pathological liars can benefit from psychotherapy, which can pose its own challenges because the liar isn't in control of their lying and could begin lying to their therapist.
"Treatment will depend on what the person needs and what they respond to during therapy sessions," as noted by WebMD. "Finding a qualified, experienced therapist who can work with someone over the long term is the key to managing the condition.
If you or a loved one needs help, seek help today.
Have stories of your own? Feel free to tell us about them in the comments below.
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