As an artist and struggling New York actor/writer I of course have waited on many a table. I've served the rich the poor, old and young, the fashionable, the plain, the kind and the evil. (There is far more evil eating out... just FYI) And it always made me wonder about strangers and their stories. In particular the stories behind the people who left me with a sense of sorrow. I've seen people stood up, celebrate the passings of loved ones from 9/11 and even a proposal gone awry. (Never ask for someone's hand in marriage with the ring on an Olive Garden breadstick!) Seeing people at their most vulnerable is definitely something you remember.
Redditor u/nGear wanted to know about the times they felt a tug at the heart for a few customers by asking them to divulge.... Waiters, what's the saddest "I'm waiting for someone" you have experienced?Shame on you young man....
Embarrassed Hide GIF by florGiphyI was a server for 5 years and the most heartbreaking experience I had was an older woman, probably in her 60's was waiting for her grandson to come meet her for lunch. When I greeted her at the table she was very excited as I assumed she didn't see him much.
As time went by no one showed up so she decided to order. Towards the end of her meal no had shown up so it being a slow shift, me and my gf (we worked together at the same restaurant which is where we met), decided to just talk with her for a little bit and give her some company. We both felt so sad for this sweet old lady but we could tell that simple act of kindness made her day. Shame on that grandson.
Happy Birthday Sir.
I was actually a hostess at the time and I was asked to take the table for a server. An old man came in asking for a table of 6 and he asked for 6 waters. I set up his table and I put his order in. He said it was his birthday. He was there for about an hour or 2 and nobody showed up. It was really sad. He ended up tipping me like $30 and he said "Sorry for the trouble." I still think about that guy. I hope he's doing okay. :(
You dodged a bullet....
Once at my shift I saw a really shy guy, you could see that he is on a budget, but omg, he was so trying so hard and looked so exited about upcoming date! He brought one rose, and asked what he can purchase on 10 euros to make this evening beautiful. My heart melted so much that I offered him for free two glasses of wine and a dessert (I was a manager).
We put on a table some candles, and so he was sitting there and with the big smile waiting for his date to come. But she never came. He waited like 2 hours, nervously checking on his phone. When he left, he gave this rose to me and thanked for kindness towards him. He was so broke. So was my heart about this situation. :(
After Goodbye....
disney love GIFGiphyPlace I used to work at had a man come in every night for a week, wait for a few hours, order food and drinks, then leave with no one showing up.
Later learned he was just trying to cope with his wife's death, believing that she'd arrive to greet him at the restaurant were they had their first date.
The Barista....
Not the waitstaff, but the "Wait-er."
I had set an OKCupid date at this nice coffee shop in Brooklyn. I get there, and I know the barista from college. I'm the only person in the shop at the time, so we talk a little, awkwardly. Gradually other customers arrive, so she attends to them and I attend to my phone.
It gets to the point where my date is 20 minutes late and hasn't been responding to my messages asking about an ETA. I'm sweating. Profusely. I'm so embarrassed that I'm probably being stood up in front of someone who I had several classes with years prior and knows most of my friends. I feel so humiliated.
Then my date walks in.
Stands there for a moment.
AND WALKS RIGHT BACK OUT THE DOOR
Barista: "Was that her?"
Me: "Yup."
Barista: "What an a-hole."
That comment made things slightly better.
An Extra Plate....
A six-year-old boy came every day with his older brother at lunchtime and for almost a month they ordered three plates of food and always left one. When I attended to them, the boy told his older brother to ask his mother for lunch because she was already arriving, but their mother never came.
The boy's older brother asked me to give the food to someone who needed it when they left and he told me that his mother had died and that he did not know how to explain to his little brother that his mother was not coming back, but that this cafeteria It was the last place where she had taken her little brother to eat and that is why the boy believed that she would return for the dinner.
4 in a row....
A woman came in 4 nights in a row just in case she got the day wrong. She'd sit at the bar wearing the same flowery dress every night and would hopefully look at the door every single time it opened. Left in tears the first two nights when we closed, the third and fourth nights she just stared vacantly at the door until we had to make sure she left.
I never saw her again, I don't think any other staff did either but we all felt really bad for her. She got a couple free drinks and apps, we didn't even care if it was a scam cause she seemed so broken about it.
Why so Public?
bugs bunny cooking GIF by Looney TunesGiphyWas working an evening shift and a relatively younger guy came in and waited for his date. She showed up and not even 10 minutes later he got up and left and she sat there crying.
Patrons that are there to breakup are also hard to witness.
No doggy bag?
Not a waiter, but was out with my girlfriend and we were seated next to a date.
Guy was clearly trying to engage with the girl, but the girl kept looking at her phone disinterested. Guy initiated all the conversations, only to be met with 1 word answers.
He ordered a lot of food (it's a dessert place, so a lot of small meals) and then the girl suddenly took her bag and left? He banged the table after about paying, and just left with the food untouched.
Everyone in the vicinity, including the waiters were visibly shocked. I felt so bad for the guy.
Stalled....
Simon Pegg Wink GIF by Working TitleGiphyNot a waiter, but this happened to me.
I went speed dating, turned up to the venue to find it very quiet. Barely anyone was there.
The event was on the second floor, so I got a pint for the time being and sat down and waited for people to turn up.
I tried to go up to the second floor only to find that it had been closed off. Noticing my confusion the bar man asked if I was there for speed dating, I said yes, he told me it was cancelled. I didn't get an email about this, nothing.
So I sat there, dressed up and alone. I finished my pint and went home.
Dropping $1500 for Nothing....
Ugh this one was tough; I worked at a pretty fancy steakhouse in town, and we had a private dining room that could set up to 32 at a single, long table. To book the room we charged a $1500 deposit, which we then used to cover part of the bill (it was a deposit, not a room charge). Anyways, this girl books it for 26 people, puts the deposit on her card. She shows up with her sister, and then after about 20 minutes, 2 of their 'friends' show up and sit at the opposite end of this giant table from the birthday girl and her sister.
Nobody else came. They waited an hour, the birthday girl was sobbing, the other two just awkwardly left. It was awful. I'm grateful to my manager, who in a moment of compassion refunded the whole deposit back onto the poor girls card. I felt terrible for her.
sad adventure time GIF
Her mom decorated the table and chairs and the whole corner for the party, everyone in the restaurant could see there was going to be a party there on a busy Friday night. 4 people showed of the possible 20, that includes the future bride and mom. I didn't even care about the money I was missing out on (four tables of my section gone on a busy weekend shift) I just felt so bad for her.
Why Bother Lady?
Not a waiter, but worked at a coffee shop for several years and made friends with tons of regulars. One of the regulars, we'll call him J, was working on his PHD in Art History or something to that effect at the university near us. He came in one day, got his usual tea and asked if I could charge him for a latte, but make it later, no big deal.
I was bussing tables and asked who the latte was for and very excitedly expressed that he was meeting a lady and it was "kind of a date". He was an awkward kind of guy, but very interesting and incredibly friendly. One hour passes, no show, two, no show, finally three, he's looking despondent and starts collecting his things and leaves.
She showed up 20 minutes later asking about J. Apparently they got their times completely mixed up. He comes in the next day and I mention that she came in looking for him and he looked so excited. I found out a week or so later from him that she basically blew him off a second time. He was so crestfallen, it broke my heart.
Still With Me...
Ahhh, I haven't bartended in a million years, but the saddest one was a guy in his 30s. He had a 2 top, asked for a bottle of top shelf champagne, candles lit, all that. Told me they were celebrating. No one showed. Guy looked morose, but had an appetizer, poured a glass of champagne for the person who wasn't there, then asked for the bill.
I felt bad he obviously got stood up, so I brought him a desert in the house. He smiled, and told me it was his anniversary. My face must've showed my sadness for him, so he clarified- his wife died of cancer a few month ago. It may have been the saddest thing I've seen.
Bye Ma....
Not exactly a waiter, but I was working at a bar a few years back and there often was this girl (in her early twenties maybe) who sometimes used to meet her mother at the bar (maybe about every 2 or 3 months).
The thing is, more often than not the mother either came extremely late (1 or 2 hours at least) to didn't came at all. When she came, there often was a huge tension between the two. It was obvious that they had some unresolved issues.
Watching the girl wait for hours even if it was clear that the mother wouldn't come on that day always broke my heart. As a barkeeper and since she was a regular, I tried my best to engage a conversation with her to distract her a little, but there's only so much you can do.
Fun fact: Years after I stopped working at that bar, I met her at a random party and we had a great evening/night together. She told me that she 'broke up' with her mother tho.
So it's a No?
Sorry Dog GIF by swerkGiphyGuy was dressed really nice. Says his date should be there soon and goes ahead and is seated.
He orders a drink and 30 minutes pass by... then and hour, and another drink later. He started fidgeting with something and I noticed it was a ring. After an hour and a half he asked for his check and muttered something about "There goes two years wasted and down the drain." He tipped 2x his bill.
Poor guy.
into crack town....
This gentleman in his mid forties came to my restaurant frequently and would not order his drink until "his wife got there." He would wait for a few minutes, then pull out a framed picture of a woman, set it on the table, and proceed to order his food and drink. He would talk to the framed picture and have dinner with "her" about once a week.
I noticed him doing this often and told my coworker I thought it was cute he was having dinner with his late wife and she replied,"Oh, no that's not his wife. He found that picture at good will and has been a relationship with it ever since. He told me that a long time ago." What did I expect from working right off the freeway in crack town. Very true story, no lie.
14 is an unlucky #...
We had a 21st birthday party booked for 20, the family showed up early with a few friends. They had a few drinks and let the staff know some of the party were running late. Half an hour in, when the late people were supposed to arrive, two friends left.
An hour went by and the birthday group ordered.
Got their starters, told the service staff some more people were coming. About two hours in the mother said just bring the mains out.
It was so sad, I felt so bad for them. Being stood up by fourteen people, and the two friend who did show up didn't even eat.
"Honey, it is going to be okay."
A few years ago, I took myself to a movie and dinner. It was the weekend before Valentine's day. At the time I had a warehouse gig and that day my step counter was at 7.9 km. Being exhausted, I just sort of plopped down. Ordered quietly, sipped a beer, and derped around on my phone.
I must have looked like I was on the verge of tears (in reality I'd been rear ended at a red light the week before and just hurt all over.) Server comped my cheesecake, smiled politely, and quietly remarked "Honey, it is going to be okay." Until that point I wasn't sad to be alone- but after that I was fighting tears all the way home.
She Gone
Angel's GlowGiphyI had a regular who would always come in with his wife. One day he sat in my section and I noticed his wife wasn't with him. I asked "where's your wife today" he replied "she's in heaven waiting for me". Immediately I died inside 😭😭😭😭🥺
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All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.
These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.
Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.
Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.
Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:
"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"
Excitement Can Be Infectious
"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage
"Being genuinely excited about something."
"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe
Loving All Living Things
"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."
"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."
"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."
"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."
"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1
Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphyTruly Unforgettable
"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer
Compassion Over Convenience
"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."
"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."
"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."
"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."
"No apology necessary!"
"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."
"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae
"When someone helps old people."
"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka
"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90
GiphyThe Greatest Love Of All...
"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'
"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."
"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo
The Gift Of Laughter
"People that make themselves crack up."
"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."
"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."
"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."
"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."
"I love good dark humor."
"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne
"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."
"That."- SadConsequence8476
happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphyHeal The World...
"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."
"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--
Happiness Comes In Many Forms
"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944
Literal Food For Thought
"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."
"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."
"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·
Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphyNo One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously
"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·
The Epitome Of Selfless
"My husband grew up extremely poor."
"Not homeless but close."
"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."
"He will then order them whatever they want."
"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."
"He still did this."
"It made me swoon."- curryp4n
Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.
Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.
With so many couples walking up the aisle—and then sprinting to the courthouse—there’s no shortage of wacky divorce stories. No one knows that better than these divorce lawyers. From hidden fortunes to stuffed animal collections, divorce lawyers have seen it all. Attorney-client privilege or not, these stories are just too insane not to share…
Ashes To Ashes
round grey stainless steel saucer on brown wooden surfacePhoto by Brooks Rice on UnsplashI had a husband and wife go toe-to-toe over an ashtray they got in Las Vegas. The couple spent nearly $5,000 for me and another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly trinket. Prior to proceeding, I explained that it would be cheaper to fly me to Vegas and get an identical ashtray. The husband said he didn't care about the costs—and his reasons were deeply malicious.
It turns out that the husband had other intentions for their marriage memorabilia. When he won, he smashed the ashtray on the steps of the courthouse. He laughed and said the look on his wife’s face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings.
Until The Grave Do Us Part
I wouldn't recommend it, but one of the best ways to stick it to your ex is to kick the can during a messy divorce. In my client's case, the court had orally declared a couple to be divorced. Sadly, before they could finalize the official paperwork, the husband went to his grave. The courts spent two years figuring out how to proceed and made a divisive decision…
The court decided that the wife had to divide everything 50/50 with her deceased husband. And to think, if he had passed two weeks sooner, she would have avoided years of court hearings, thousands in fees, and kept everything for herself.
I’ll Never Let You Go…To The Marriott Hotel
My aunt has been divorced for quite some time, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s still driving her attorney crazy with her requests. Most recently, she took her ex-husband to court. Her motive was ridiculous. She wanted to know where he was working and when, all so that she could have her private investigator keep an eye on him and his new girlfriend.
She should have just let it go…she got the house, the kids, the boat, and even the Marriott International points.
“X” Marks The Spot…
I worked a divorce case that went to trial. The parties owned a business together, which they started during the marriage and which was their sole source of income. Obviously, the biggest issue was who was going to keep the business. While the divorce proceeded, the General Magistrate ordered my client to keep running the business and to pay the wife temporary alimony. If only it had ended then.
At trial, we went in front of a judge instead of the General Magistrate. This judge was older with poor memory and was fairly new to family law. She ended up giving the wife the business and ordering my client to pay the wife alimony! How is someone supposed to pay alimony if you take away their only source of income for the last 10 years?
I filed a motion for rehearing but the judge denied it. As if that was bad enough, do you want to know the cherry on top of this triple-layered divorce cake? The judge awarded my client his home that he had inherited from his grandmother. The wife had been living in there during the divorce proceedings, and the judge gave her 30 days to move out.
Well, she stayed until the last possible day. When my client went back to the home, the wife had completely destroyed the inside. She took a screw driver and scratched an “X” on the surface of all of the furniture and the walls. My client ended up leaving the country.
I’m Giving You The Cold Shoulder
I once represented one party in a divorce. While the divorce proceedings were on-going, the couple still lived together pending the sale of their family home. But just because they lived together did not mean that they were on speaking terms. In fact, they would not speak to one another for any reason whatsoever. Things were so bad that I even had to negotiate terms for sharing refrigerator space.
Don’t Be A Baby, Baby
white and brown bear plush toysPhoto by MChe Lee on UnsplashThe court ordered this couple, who had been divorced for four months, to divide up their Beanie Baby Collection, valued somewhere between $2,500 and $5000…and they were seemingly unable to do so by themselves. The couple spread out the collection on the floor and divided up one by one under the supervision of a Family Court Judge.
The Couple That Divorces Together, Stays Together
I worked as a courtroom clerk when I was in college. A couple filing for divorce were arguing over custody of their son. I thought it would be the normal "I won’t let you see him,” and name-calling nonsense, but I was in for a surprise. The mom wanted the dad to spend more time during the holidays together—all three of them. But the dad had demands of his own…
The dad in this strange divorce proceeding wanted the same thing as his maybe-ex-wife. He also wanted the family to spend more time together…just more frequently. The couple ended up reconciling and agreed to couples’ therapy before the divorce procedure went further. They came back a month later to withdraw the divorce proceeding. All is well that ends well.
Cleaning House
My friend is a divorce lawyer. They had a client whose former spouse brutally attacked them. Apparently, the former spouse blamed the divorce attorney for “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. The worst part is that the lawyer was at the grocery store doing his weekly food shopping with his wife and kids during the attack.
The Honeymoon That Never Ends
I represented the husband in a divorce. During the proceedings, we tried to get the court to eliminate his spousal support obligations. His wife, however, insisted that she needed the support…and wait until you hear why. The whole process took way longer than it should have because his wife was taking vacations to Mexico at least once every month.
The Wedding Photographer
I represented the husband in a divorce. On the day of the trial, opposing counsel presented shocking evidence. The wife’s attorneys produced photographs that they claimed proved adultery. The photos were of my client, the husband, wearing lingerie and a long brown wig, engaging in act of intimacy with another man. I was able to successfully exclude this from evidence...because the wife was the photographer.
And…The Honeymoon Is Over
woman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documentsPhoto by Gabrielle Henderson on UnsplashI worked for a law firm while in college. We had a client who had just come home from a two-week vacation with his wife. But she wasn’t going to be his wife for much longer. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, his wife’s lawyers served him with divorce papers and a temporary restraining order. His wife didn't say a word and just went into their house.
The poor guy came straight to our office and was massively confused. What happened on that vacation?
Please Play Nice
My first trial. My client’s husband was suing her for divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was alleging habitual cruelty and inhumane treatment. When I heard what he had to say, my jaw-dropped. I had to agree with him. Her husband was claiming that she had grabbed him in a sensitive area really, really hard and hurt him on purpose.
What’s more, I had to cross examine him about it. Awkward.
Call Me, Maybe?
I had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness, and adult site he could think of. These companies bombarded her about their products and services. He even put out her information on Craigslist. The joke was on him though…she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!
Grab Your Pitchforks…
I’ve been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, so I've seen it all. I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of over 35 years. At mediation, they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes—and then things went south. They spent the next two and half hours fighting over a couple of hurricane glasses from Pat O'Brien's and a pitchfork.
$1,000 in attorney fees later, they settled…and then got remarried anyway.
40 Acres And A Whole Lot Of Revenge
I knew a wealthy land owner who went to some extreme lengths to get even after a divorce. He lost his home to his ex-wife in the divorce proceedings but kept his trump card. He was able to keep the rest of the undeveloped neighborhood land and turned it into an industrial park. In other words, he surrounded his ex-wife’s huge house with a ton of factories.
Run Away Wife
man in red and white checkered dress shirt wearing black fedora hatPhoto by Andres Siimon on UnsplashMy uncle is a divorce lawyer, but not a very good one. He represented a couple who had recently started getting into some problems. The wife had had enough of married life and just left one night. Her husband was through with her since she left, and went to my uncle for a divorce. My uncle agreed but he kept delaying because he had plans of his own.
While my uncle stalled the husband, he came up with an ingenious plan. He did what he knew was in everyone’s best interest. My uncle hired a private investigator to search for the missing wife. Fortunately, he eventually found her and talked her into going back to her husband. Things worked out in the end…but my uncle might be the worst divorce lawyer in the country.
Sharing Marriages Makes For Caring Marriages
How much time do you have? Over the course of my career, I’ve seen nearly a dozen wife-swaps. And it’s just as weird as it sounds. Usually, the husband will cheat on his wife with his friend’s wife. This causes a divorce for both parties, and their respective spouses (wife of first party and husband of second) end up getting together. Happens quite often for whatever reason.
Divorce, The Family Game
I saw a mother and father live together during a divorce and fight over the location of their children’s Xbox and Wii. At first, the gaming consoles were in the family living room. The father then put the consoles in his bedroom so that the children would spend all of their time in his bedroom. The mother literally went to court to have the Xbox and Wii returned to the living room. They spent thousands on this.
Debarred And Divorced
I'm not a lawyer, but I’ve got a story about one. There was a case in which a man found out that his wife was having an affair. Heartbroken, the man found a divorce lawyer. In court, the husband learned a brutal truth. His lawyer was the man his wife was having the affair with. Of course, the lawyer got his license taken away after that.
Off To Sunny Mexico
I’m a family law paralegal. We had a client whose husband had taken her kids on an unscheduled bus trip to Mexico. We expedited everything. I went above and beyond for this woman—even contacting attorneys in the deep south of Mexico and writing out very clear instructions to get back her kids. As it turns out, our client was no victim.
This woman had physically accosted her husband because he confronted her about sleeping with his brother. Now you see why the husband packed up and took the kids.
The Most Expensive Therapy Ever
potato chips in bowlPhoto by Emiliano Vittoriosi on UnsplashMy client (the husband) was living in the same house as his wife throughout the divorce proceedings. He'd call me and complain about things like: his wife ate a bag of chips and didn't replace it, she invited one of her friends over who he disliked, she binged watched TV instead of fixing dinner, etc., etc. He paid me $250/hour for the privilege of venting over the phone to an attorney.
Why So Salty?
One of my father's friends tried to “salt the earth” before getting divorced. He transferred the deeds to a rental house and a cabin to relatives and sold the family cars to relatives for tiny sums…and he was just getting started. He put stocks in a trust “for the children” and vanished a chunk of cash from the company he co-owned with his wife.
He even stopped paying himself a salary, electing to burn through their personal savings for over a year instead. Well, he might have salted the earth but he was in for just desserts. When the divorce proceedings went to court, he learned that judges really, really hate it when you try to play dirty games. Turns out that hiding or intentionally diminishing assets is actually not a good idea.
In fact, judges will absolutely refer you to prosecutors. I don't think that he spent time behind bars, but his ex-wife did get everything, plus the satisfaction of firing him from his own company.
Let’s Break Up The Bank
A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer. His favorite story is the time that the husband in a bitter divorce said that he would “out-lawyer” his wife and break the bank before giving her anything she wanted. He said this in front of my friend, her lawyer. My friend looks at the wife and says, "I'm working for you pro bono (free) from this moment forward."
Think About The Children
I took a domestic relations class run by a retired judge who told us a few good stories. My favorite was a story where both parties in a divorce were acting unreasonably and not thinking of the kids. In the end, the judge awarded the house to the kids who would live there permanently while the parents—who had joint custody—would take turns living there.
The best thing was that neither party could afford to buy an additional place, so they had to rent a small flat together and also share that.
Oh, Brother!
I had a case in where husband found some incriminating texts on his wife's phone. He suspected that she was cheating on him with some guy. What’s more is that he also got the impression that his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) might be in on it in some way. He and his brother end up hiring a private investigator to tail both of their wives to get to the truth. But the truth can hurt…
The brothers essentially confirmed that both women were seeing other people. My client’s sister in-law admitted to carrying on an affair. His brother attempted to reconcile but eventually filed for divorce. My client’s wife admitted that she was looking for an affair but only "met for some kisses" and she "touched him a little bit.” He filed for divorce anyway.
To The Clink!
boy sitting while covering his facePhoto by Ksenia Makagonova on UnsplashMy dad is a retired lawyer and he got this story from a judge. A man and a woman went through an unhappy divorce, and their poor kids got stuck in the middle. The wife got custody and the man got visitation rights but, apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She made parental alienation her goal in life. So, her ex-husband took her to court over this and she actually ended up behind bars for contempt more than once.
The judge who told this story to my dad finally told the man, "I can throw her back in prison as many times as you want, but there's no winner in this."
I Want The News, Not The Weather…
I used to work for a judge when two prominent local news personalities were getting a divorce. They filed for mutual restraining orders against each other for an unspecified use of force. The filings were vague on details but still managed to convey a sense of savage levels of blood. When the time came for the hearing, it turned out that the use of force they were referring to was spitting.
Specifically, during a heated argument, flecks of spittle managed to touch the other party. The judge denied the restraining orders, and both parties' attorneys probably bought new yachts. Such is justice in a divorce.
That’s Not My Name
This is the story of a potentially thwarted divorce case. A man and his fiancée were buying a house together. They got to the paper where you sign off on all your aliases. In a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-worthy turn of events, the woman had a full-page's worth of former names. The guy asked, "What is this?" The woman's response made his blood run cold.
She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I've been married five times before." The guy got up and walked out. Crisis averted.
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It!”
I was a secretary for an attorney. Divorce can be pretty depressing but it can also be a real laugh. I think that the most entertaining divorce story was when a guy had to get creative in divorcing his wife. He had to have the divorce papers sent to her the newspaper because she wouldn't leave the house or answer the door for the process server.
And Your Little Dog Too…
My friend’s firm handled the divorce of an extremely rich man who claimed his wife was cheating on him. The lawyer proceeded to ask him about his assets and what he wanted to keep. The man said that his wife could have the house, the car, the boat, the kids, etc. Given that he seemed willing to give up everything, the lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep. Not even Cruella de Ville would have asked for this.
After the man’s lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep in the divorce, the man angrily responded, "My wife only loves her dog. I want her to suffer so I want the court to order that the dog be taken away from her and cremated. She can have 50% of the ashes and I'll have the other 50%." What would have happened if his wife only loved their kids?
Micro Aggressions
woman in black jacket standing beside green plantPhoto by Karsten Winegeart on UnsplashI represented a woman who was convinced that her husband was the real-world equivalent of Lex Luthor or something. She claimed that he had implanted micro-robots in her brain and was trying to control her. She would bring us all of this nanotechnology and try to convince us that it was possible. She dragged the case out for four years. We almost had to get a conservator for her estate.
I’m A Professional
My first divorce case was the most memorable. My client was a nice looking, 50ish waitress who was breaking hearts at the local small-town cafe. She was on divorce number five. I had a little lawyer kit of things she should do such as clean out the joint accounts, change the car title, etc. To my surprise, she had done all of them…plus a few things I hadn’t thought of.
“Husband No.5” came into my office to cry and concede everything. Now that was a guy who needed a lawyer with a list. Suffice to say, our client got everything she was, or might have been, entitled to plus a little more.
Roomies!
I was a family law attorney for years. It was nasty all the time, which is why I finally switched to a different area. But not before this crazy couple…I worked a divorce where the ex-couple lived together after their divorce. It wasn’t for love. It was just pure and simple spite. Neither wanted to move. I believe they still live together.
Leaving The Nest
I once interned for a small family firm and had some really odd stories. This attractive lady relocated from Florida to the mountains of Virginia with her husband to restart their relationship. Unfortunately, they were moving in with her parents and had not found a new place to live yet. Well, the move didn’t help and they ended up seeking a divorce.
He ended up kicking the woman out of the house. Yeah, you read that correctly, he kicked her out of her parents’ house.
Failed Marriages And Flat Tires
This wasn’t my case, but I overheard it in divorce court once. While separated, a guy went around to his wife's house and took revenge on her car. Apparently, in an act of brazen post-marital rage, he slashed her tires. And if you were thinking about calling the authorities, you’ll have no luck there. He was a law enforcement officer. That’s just crazy.
The Defenestration Separation
beige 2-story housePhoto by Jessica Furtney on UnsplashI would never disclose a client's details because, you know, confidentiality. But I did have a mediation professor who told me this gem of a divorce story. She was mediating a divorce and the couple was so close to making a settlement. Until it all went out the window…literally. You see, this couple had purchased a lovely Victorian home together.
The husband, while unemployed, had painstakingly restored all of the old windows. Restoring the windows was a very time-consuming and labor-intensive task. Fast-forward to division of assets: The couple agreed to split the sale of the house equally, but he demanded a larger share because of the value of the windows. She said she should have that money, because she was supporting them at the time.
He returned that she could keep the entire house, but he was getting those windows. Then she said, “You can shove those windows up your...” Well, anyway, you get the idea. They went back and forth while my poor professor tried to mediate them into a neutral position.
That’s Just Pea…NUTS!
I worked a divorce case that was frustrating enough to make anyone pluck out their eyelashes. It took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. The estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel’s time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to an oversized jar of peanut butter.
All I could think of the whole time was, “Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!”
The Hand That Feeds You…
I once had a case where the estranged wife just didn’t know what was good for her. She was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes to try to get my client fired. The funny thing about it all was that she was also demanding child support…which was based on my client’s income. Income from the job from which she was trying to get him fired.
A Hairy Situation
My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for two very odd reasons. For one, she claimed that he did not have enough hair on his chest. And the second reason was that he did not drive fast enough. In all fairness, this was 1970s when chest hair was a bit more important. The speeding thing, that I can’t explain.
Fighting For Fido
I was in a mediation once where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, they spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just said, "as agreed upon by the parties" but the dog had a strict schedule.
Join The Mickey Mouse Club…Of Divorce
boy leaning on white chairPhoto by Chinh Le Duc on UnsplashI was a clerk for a family court judge. Believe me when I say that the kids always suffer in a divorce. We had a woman go to extreme lengths to spite her ex-husband, even if it meant disappointing her daughter. She even tried to get an injunction to keep the father from taking their daughter on a trip to Disney World. Like it is whenever love ends, it was so sad.
Reply All?
There are so many crazy divorce stories and they always bring out the absolute worst in couples. Like this one: A couple did their will with our firm. We drafted everything for them as they were an older couple; they had been married for 40 years total. The husband wanted us to put in his will that his kids get his entire estate, with one small caveat: He did not want us to tell his wife.
Instead, he wanted to have us make a secret will and a fake will. He had a whole plan. He would sign the fake will with her present, and then we would shred it. Then he would come in later to sign the "real will.” There was just one hitch in his Ocean’s Eleven scheme…he copied his wife on the email. Two weeks later, he called us and said he wanted to file for divorce.
Attorney On Demand
A previous client of ours was livid that his wife was cheating on him. She wanted a non-contested divorce and wanted to use my boss specifically because she knew he was a great lawyer. So, our client pretended to go along with her terms but contacted us literally two days before his wife and retained us. He said he didn't care how much money the retainer was going to be.
He just wanted my boss so his wife couldn't have him as a lawyer. He called and paid first, so he won that battle.
The Love Has Dried Up
My aunt was a divorce lawyer. She worked a case where the wife glued all of the outdoor hoses together so that her husband wouldn’t spend any more time washing his car. When the glue didn’t work, she just cut up the hoses instead. And when this woman’s husband bought new hoses, she finally filed for divorce. The only question I have is…”Was it a nice car?”
Bear With Me
I used to clerk for a judge, and we had a week-long divorce trial between a couple. The husband was a wildlife photographer and the wife was a stay-at-home wife who “remodeled” the house. They had no kids. Anyway, one day the husband was photographing a grizzly bear but must have gotten a little too close and the bear mauled him.
He spent several months in the hospital and rehab. As if surviving a bear attack wasn’t enough, his wife had him served with divorce papers shortly after he got out of rehab. Of course, she wanted half of everything. The guy had lost an eye…what more could she possibly have taken?
Plastics Are Forever
brown round bowl on white tablePhoto by Magic Bowls on UnsplashNeither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court, they were fighting over the husband’s grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls into the courtroom to swap them, I discovered that they were Tupperware. Who knew plastic was more precious than diamonds?
Divorcing Scrooge
My client was the outrageous one in this story, and my heart went out to his poor wife. My client had OCD which manifested primarily in the family finances. He made their lives a penny-pinching nightmare. For example, he was obsessed with avoiding unnecessary driving, so he cut the whole family’s hair at home and never let them eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. That wasn’t even the strangest thing.
Weirdest of all, he kept one toilet paper roll on him at all times, and you had to get one square from him before you could go to the bathroom. He never gave more than one square. His wife finally got tired of him and left him when he gave her bangs during an in-home haircut. Even their daughter was so traumatized by the whole toilet paper thing they couldn’t potty train her.
Being such a miser, he viewed my whole job as a divorce attorney as an unnecessary expense.
Shaking Like A Dog
My mom was a divorce lawyer. One specific story I remember was about a couple fighting for custody of their dog. The guy already lost custody of the children and then lost the case for custody of the dog. When the ex-wife’s mother came to pick up the dog, he told her that she could get him out of the freezer...Yes, that’s right, he froze the dog.
The Frog That Hopped Away
I once worked an interesting—and very, very sad—divorce case. It’s not uncommon for parents to fight over custody in a divorce, but that’s not what happened this time…not at all. My client and their spouse had a son that they named Snoop Frog (I kid you not) and sadly, neither of them wanted custody. Honestly, it was nothing that a name change couldn’t fix.
Not A Lucky Divorce
This woman won $1.3million in a lottery pool and filed for divorce 11 days later. She never mentioned her lottery winnings to her husband. She also did not disclose the proceeds during the divorce. She would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a letter that arrived at their former marital residence over two years after the divorce…
The letter was an offer to buy out her lottery annuity with a lump sum payment. The husband promptly lawyered up and the family court awarded 100% of the prize proceeds to him.
Men can be a mystery.
They like to hide as much as they can about themselves.
In truth, the rest of the world already suspects most of whatever behaviors they're trying to bury.
But often, it's so healthy to unburden yourself whenever you can.
Isn't it also comforting to know we aren't alone on this?
You do that? ME TOO!
Redditor Miguenzo wanted all the men out there to make some confessions, so they asked:
"What is something all guys do but will never admit to doing?"
Going to the bathroom sitting down more often than you think.
That's a guy truth I'll admit to.
I like to be comfortable.
Playtime
U Know Flirt GIF by WimbledonGiphy"I play with my penis more than any other object, by far."
killsafety
"And not even in a sexual way. Sometimes just flopping it from left to right while watching TV."
OneMorePotion
"This is what my wife had a hard time understanding. Just cause I'm messing with it, doesn't mean I'm aroused. I'm just fidgeting and that's my object."
Cigarettelegs
HER
"Imagine your entire life with a girl you just met."
Old_Situation4990
"Did this this weekend. The most beautiful woman working as a barmaid I have ever seen."
"However, I know it's annoying having someone hit on you while working and working in a bar she must get it all the time. so I kept quiet ordered my drinks and didn't bother her. She remembered what I was drinking by the 3rd drink. that was enough for me. LMAO."
EngineersMasterPlan
Think About It
"Daydream about insane scenarios that will never happen where you're the main hero that swoops in to save the day. Common examples include things like thinking you could figure out how to land an entire airplane in an emergency, thinking about 'What happens if there's a robbery and I stop the bad guy,' thinking about saving someone from a burning building, thinking you could save someone's life if there's a random medical emergency, etc."
bbbbbthatsfivebees
Spoons and Forks
"Not sure if this is for all guys, but my BF will never ever admit that he prefers to be the little spoon 😭."
raviolixx
"I’m over a foot taller than my wife, so I often joke that 'she’s my better third.' But I HATE being a big spoon. Nothing makes me happier in my marriage like being a little spoon, curled up, while she runs her fingers through my hair… Just thinking about is releasing the endorphins. We will hit 29 years together in a couple of months, and it not only never gets old, it gets better with age."
ZacInStl
Pick Away
jason clarke flirting GIF by OriginalsGiphy"Nose picking is more common than anyone will admit."
oldwhitch
"Nose picking is probably the most efficient way to get uncomfortable buggers out of your nose."
AllDressedJalapenos
Ugh. Nose pickers. Stop it. Just stop it!
Whoops
Uh Oh Oops GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy"Morning pees sometimes go sideways and there's annoying cleaning up to do."
Apprehensive_Sky9062
Sniffed
"Sniff our armpits to be sure they don't stink or we enjoy the smell."
Individual-Option514
"This one is def gender neutral. I've had several girlfriends be embarrassed that I 'caught them' smell-checking themselves. As if they thought it was some secret weird thing they do and nobody else did. LOL."
Zeallust
"When I get nervous I stick my hands under my arms and then I sniff my armpit smell off my fingers and it calms me back down."
Papaya_flight
Inch by Inch
"Measuring their penis. Yeah, some will admit it. But some refuse to admit it."
Just4TheSpamAndEggs
"I don’t need a tape measure to know what disappointment looks like."
flightlessf**kbucket
Haven't done it in a while. At this point, I'm too afraid it's gotten smaller. If that's possible."
Double_Win_9405
"I have honestly never measured my d*ck. Girls I dated did. The numbers really mean nothing to me. I only cared if it was too small. Once girls told me it wasn't, I was satisfied."
esoteric_enigma
I Feel Pretty
"Being friendlier to attractive women."
JoeSchmoe314159
"Attractive women are scarier for many, so a lot of us probably come off as aloof or rude whatever towards them because we just kind of ignore them (actually are just too nervous to address them directly)."
"This isn't such a thing for me now that I'm in my 30s and have a long-time committed partner. No pressure... lol. But I know when I was a younger guy in the dating pool, the very attractive women were terrifying... lol."
bossmcsauce
"Attractive people actually get treated better in most areas of life in general. It’s called Pretty Privilege. Attractive people are trusted more easily, looked up to more, invited to more things, talked to more, can get a raise easier, and obviously can date easier."
Ur_Fav_Step-Redditor
At least once
"If you're single; Having feelings/Attraction to almost every female friend you've got. Doesn't have to be strong feelings. Doesn't have to be romantic. But you've thought about it. At least once. Maybe three times."
TA2556
"Definitely not universal. This stopped happening to me after I started and finished one major relationship."
"You develop a sense for what you actually want -- and how much more valuable friendship can be than any random romance."
"Also, as a straight guy, having uncomplicated friendships with multiple women is a great way to just get out in life, meet people and situations you never would've otherwise, and not bog down your own psyche. Really elevated my 20s."
MRIchalk
Underneath
wicked GIF by Ice CubeGiphy"Kicking ice cube under the fridge when falls."
Subject-Inflation805
"Gotta feed those shadow critters."
UnRealmCorp
I love the ice cube kick.
I think it's gender universal.
