Flirting. Some people are naturally flirty and charismatic, they smoothly enter a conversation then with a shimmy and a wink already have a date. Others...including this writer...have to be intentional about flirting and even then that “sexy wink" turns out more like a facial spasm.
There is help however, following others' experiences and flirting expertise below may just give you the boost you need. Just make sure to use your newfound powers of prowess wisely padawan.
Redditor ABowlOfLentilSoup reached out for all of us who are on the flirtation struggle-bus and asked:
“People who are good at flirting, what are some social cues us oblivious people should watch out for?"
The Reddit hivemind came up with some helpful guides for the less flirty.
Mirroring...
“Mirroring body language. This is a tactic employed by people who work in sales and it's not always conscious. This is a psychological disarmament tactic we, as humans, deploy on each other."
“In the case of someone who likes you, while interacting, watch for repetitious patterns and mimic their body language. Eventually, if you cross your arms and the person whose attention you are seeking do the same, for example, you can rely on that being a good sign."
“That's not to say you need to reposition or fidget while interacting; remember, being comfortable and at ease is a way bigger turn-on and ultimately lends itself to a more approachable experience for all parties. After all, 'acting natural' is the penultimate jedi mind trick :)"
“some actions are flirting for some but just being friendly for others...”
“People will give alot of cues subconsciously, also some actions are flirting for some but just being friendly for others too. Pay attention to their eye contact with you compared to others, if one has small amount of eye contact with others but alot with you, generally it means theyre comfortable with you."
“Physical contact is usually big for people who arent already touchy, people will generally be more touchy with those they like. When in a group and everyones laughing, people generally look at the one theyre most comfortable with first, or the one they like, could be either or both."
“Action imitation is big, if you think someone is into you, do an action like hands in pocket or something, if they copy, they probably like you, or are paying serious attention to you for some reason. If they laugh at your dumb joke, either they like you, or the joke made them uncomfortable, depends on the situation."
“Playing with hair is one that can mean something to, but some people also just do that alot anyway. Really id say some things can be a good tell more often than not but sometimes those actions can just be them being friendly, unless its blatantly obvious it can be something else, thats why the communication or the risk of asking someone is important."
Get flustered!
“When a person is making relatively sensual physical contact, please, and I mean PLEASE get flustered, or at least mentally flustered. Do not ignore them because you've known them a while. Do not pass it off as jokes, look for some signals. You'll regret not doing so. I've never been oblivious, but G*d d*mn have I missed hints before.”
sweat wtf GIF by AwesomenessTV
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“My advice is to be observant.”
“It really depends on who you're talking to. My advice is to be observant. Some, would prefer banters. Usually , when coming up with something witty, they return back what you said but relating it in a playful or opposing manner (i hope you get what I mean) or playfully challenging your views.”
“When it comes to touch, subtle touch on the arm or shoulders or patting the head and smile. Trying means to be with you is also a sign, but some are a lil more lowkey(like me), that'll probably prefer showing a playful side when it's just alone. So, it is also a sign if they change their aura from normal/serious to playful when it's just you alone. I hope these help.”
A more logical way to look at it.
“Everyone is giving good advice, but flirting didn't click for me until i heard it described not as a set of behaviors to look out for, but as an escalation of suggestive behaviors couched in plausible deniability. Put practically, if someone is doing something to engage you that feels extra (lots of touching, looking at you in a way that feels a bit to long, or doing a lot of poking fun and complimenting you), then that might be flirting or it might not.”
“That's the whole point. Plausible deniability. They can safely disengage at any time. If you want to know if someone's flirting, you need to test it.”
“You do that by escalating things, but just a bit, so that now you have plausible deniability (touch them back in a comfortable way, maintain eye contact, or joke-compliment them back). If they escalate back and continue to do so as you escalate in turn, that is flirting.”
“Eventually one of you will break cover and do something with clear intent (a kiss, an approach + ask for a number, or straight up telling them what you think of them and that you're interested). Otherwise, if you escalate and they don't change their behavior or they back off, then they were probably just being friendly and you should take the hint and do the same.”
“Dunno if that's something obvious to people, but it was definitely not for me, and college parties would have been way less fun had i not known. Hopefully this can help someone else too.”
Its not one size fits all...
“Generally there's no one thing that gives it away. Everyone says to look for eye contact, look at posture, look for mimicry, etc, and sure there's some truth to that but no one should be expected to keep track of all of those things and not everyone exhibits any particular one.”
“In my experience, almost everyone can get a sense that someone is into them, but most people second guess themselves until they convince themselves it's nothing. I say trust that sense.”
“It's based off all of these factors that we pick up consciously and subconsciously, and almost always it's not a coincidence. When you think someone likes you, you can test that theory in a few ways. A subtle but effective example is inviting them to something you know they can't or don't want to attend.”
“If they express interest in rescheduling or finding some other way to spend time with you, they like you. Otherwise they'll just say no, sorry I can't make it.”
“This works because you're showing interest in spending additional time with them (this event would be more enjoyable for me if you where there) and if they like you they will be sure to make it clear that they are saying no to the event, not to you. Of course, you could also just ask. In my experience anyone worth getting intimate with is mature enough to deal with that question.”
They're into you...
“Take it from me, we were in a club she wanted to go to, she was checking the girls out and asked which one I liked. I told her the girl with the hair to one side. Now get this, dumb*ss me NOTICED she put her hair to one side, but thought nothing of it."
“I'm sure she sent out more hints and cues, but being a guy with poor self worth, I brushed it all off, there's no way she's in to me. I was so wrong, it took one of her guy friends telling me that she hasn't shut up about me all night to realise that, hang in, she does??"
“Long story short, if you think there's a chance, don't be a dumb*ss and wait for luck to punch you in the face like it did me, take the chance, even if you're convincing yourself she isn't in to you, she probably is!"
Kate Mckinnon Flirt GIF by Saturday Night Live
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This Redditor broke it down into some helpful bullet points.
“A few examples of things that have helped give away someone's feelings for me:
-telling their friends about me
-remembering my schedule or other similar information
-telling me about they're previous interest with striking similarities
-bragging about themselves in ways that would make a potential partner happy ("I give great back massages" or "I cook a mean omelette")
-asking what my plans are at the end of a party/gathering instead of their friends
-looking for or grasping onto shared interests”
Some sound points...
“They make a lot of eye contact. They are interested in what you have to say and ask you lots of questions. They laugh at your jokes, even the lame ones.”
“They initiate physical contact.They try to find space where you can talk more privately (this does not always mean sex but it often means they wish for more quality time with you).”
A good note to remember from this commenter:
“Do not take these as signs that a worker is interested in you. They literally get paid to seem interested in the concerns of every customer/client. Furthermore, any of these one signs alone is NOT confirmation someone likes you. Everyone flirts differently and some may not even use any of the above.”
“These were simply some traits that came to mind based off my limited experience. I have never been an expert at reading signals (I was always shy), but I think the most important aspect of flirting is demonstrating that you take a keen interest in the other person and want as much one-on-one time to get to know them better as a person.”
“Some people will rush the sexual aspect of dating, at which point their flirtations become more physical and obvious. But for most dating adults, signals are more subtle and revealed through conversation.“
Everyone is different...
“Everybody's social queues are different. Some maybe more extreme than others. So don't take stuff from this thread as the actual truth. Some people are just really friendly.“
Although flirting may not come naturally to all of us, these are some solid tips to get you started. As always friends, remember consent is the sexiest way when you do decide to go for physical contact.
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