Cute And Lovable Animal Species That Are Actually Straight Up Dicks.

Sure, they're cute and seemingly innocent, but there's more than meets the eye with these furry little jerks.

1. Dolphins

They have to keep the dolphins separate at Disney World because they had started catching the sting rays in their beaks, bringing them to the surface, and skipping them like rocks.


2. Emperor Penguins

Those adorable little Emperor Penguins you love? Think again.

The emperor penguin has mastered the dark arts of both child kidnapping and child abandonment. It all starts when an emperor mama returns from finding food, only to find no fuzzy chicks waiting for her. Whether it drowned in the freezing cold water or some jerkwad seal mistook it for a Twinkie, the penguin's child is no longer there. Since making babies is basically all the animal kingdom has going for it until it discovers PlayStation and yoga, the poor ex-parent's hormones kick into overdrive, and she starts seeing red.

Unfortunately, her solution is pure horror. Instead of calling up hubby, turning up the Adele, and working hard to create a new bundle of joy, she simply wanders the snowbanks looking for another emperor penguin's chick. Then, she straight-up steals it, leads it back to her own nest, and raises it as her own ... for about five minutes.

The typical emperor penguin kidnapper will lose interest in her bouncing baby hostage within days, even hours. Most likely, a teeny seedling in that pea brain of hers realizes she didn't hatch that thing, but instead of accepting the responsibility of parenthood that she herself sought out, she quickly disavows the squawking kidlet that she never should have avowed in the first place.

But does she return the child to its nest? Nope! That's too much work. She simply abandons it to die.

3. Cuckoos

Those jerks wait till a mother bird from a different species has left the nest to get food. The Cuckoo will then sneak in a lay an egg in the other birds nest then disappear like John Wayne riding into the sun set.

A few weeks later the Cuckoo egg will hatch, usually before the other birds brood. The cuckoo chick, hours old, will then use a specifically designed hollow in its back to push the other eggs out of the nest, killing them off one by one. The bird then raises the Cuckoo as it's own, never realizing the deception.

When it's old enough the Cuckoo will fledge and leave the nest. It never visits, writes or even remembers the birthday of its adoptive mother

Another thing that makes them dicks, the mother cuckoo doesn't care how big the forced adoptive mother is. The Cuckoo chick is quite often double the size of it's fully grown adoptive parent!


4. Margays

Sometimes known as tree ocelots, Margays are nocturnal cats from southern Mexico down to South America.

Their method is particularly horrible because of how it exploits the good nature of the prey. Margays hunt by mimicking the sound of a baby monkey in distress. Seriously. Although scientists have described the imitation as not being very good, it seems to be fairly effective.

The margay hides and makes a screeching sound that sounds like a baby tamarin that has been injured. An adult tamarin, desperately seeking to rescue the youngster, is then eaten by the margay. No good deed goes unpunished, especially out in the wild.

5. Cats

They are the ultimate dicks. They manipulate you and treat you like crap, yet you somehow cannot get enough of them.


6. Turkeys

They see their reflection in cars and peck the heck out of them.

When I was in grad school and did work at the poultry science unit they always joked about the time that a student went into the lab and (Continued)

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put a disco ball in with the research turkeys (part of the required environmental enrichment). Apparently they all died because they wouldn't do anything except stare at it.


7. The story of the Praying Mantis & Black Widow

I once kept a praying mantis and a black widow as pets in separate containers as a child. One day the gods (parents) decreed that only one shall live to see the sun set (they got tired of all the bugs in jars on the mantle.) So as emperor over my enslaved insects I decided the noblest method of deciding the survivor should be a gladiator type death match between the two. Boy was it awesome, I remember it well even years later.

I moved the mantis into the spider's enclosure (home field advantage?) and naturally she began to explore this new territory. It wasn't long before she came upon her venomous foe, who was simple minded and unaware of the danger, sort of like an idiot with a hand gun. Understanding what her ruler was demanding of her, the loyal mantis began plotting her attack. If you've never seen a mantis hunt its prey, they remain relatively still and fixated on their target swaying slowly in an uncanny imitation of a leaf in the breeze, slowly moving closer and closer. I'd seen her do it many times before with flies and grasshoppers and this possible final battle was no less fascinating to watch. Part of me wondered if she knew the risk of what she was about to do, one small mistake and the mantis would be no more.

Then it happened, in a fraction of a second all hell broke loose and the fires of war were released from their cage.

The mantis lunged with speed but not precision, punching her target but failing to secure grip. Though black widows don't have facial expressions it was clear she was hella confused as to what the hell just slapped her rear. This was no gentle love tap however and the spider's confusion quickly turned to panic and fear as mantis landed her second attack. The initial struggle was brief and paused when the mantis was somehow able to suspend the widow in the air in front of it, holding four legs in each claw with the spider's belly facing the beast (holy damn this mantis trained with batman or something). The spider, despite its fierce reputation and dangerous venom was no match for the sheer strength of the mantis.

What happened next was the single most horrifying but amazing thing I ever witnessed as a child. The mantis, one by one, pulled the legs directly out of the thorax of the spider all while still holding it in the air until it was nothing but a black sphere with a little head on top, so metal. It consumed each leg individually like a wood chipper being fed sticks all while being careful to keep a safe distance from the fangs. I could almost hear the screams of the widow, which was remarkably still alive at this point. This was some Monty Python black knight type stuff. That was until its head was bitten clean off and dropped to the floor of the enclosure. Mantis then proceeded to consume the abdomen and be on her merry way like nothing had ever happened. Emperor was pleased, I named her Munchy and granted her permission to roam freely in my house which surprisingly was ok with the gods. Sometimes a week would go by without any sightings and then I'd wake up one morning to Munchy walking on my ceiling, looking for a worthy opponent to satisfy her thirst for blood.


8. Seagulls

You inland dwellers don't know rage until you've wrestled an ice cream eating seagull.


9. Geese

They have enough power in their wings to snap human bone.

I made the mistake of picking up a goose once. Here's what happened... (Continued)

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I was 8 and it was the worst beating I have ever had in my life. Those wings slapped the sides of my head at the same time, multiple times. I was left a bloody mess, and the goose went wild with pecking and honking at my limp body until my uncle saved my life.


10. Flies

They've got the whole world, the whole damn world to fly in why you gotta fly in my face? Flies are dicks.

I had one of those on my knee when I was 7. It wouldn't fly off even when I ran around or blew on it, so I decided it was obviously trying to make friends with me. 'Great! A six legged flying friend.' I thought, 'I don't have one of those yet. We could have all kinds of fun together! I'll call him Gary.' And proceeded to sit down in the garden and talk to it for the next 20 minutes. When I got a bit bored of the conversation and decided it was time for Gary to move on I got a leaf and started to gently nudge him with it. Wouldn't budge. So I tried a twig, Gary was somehow attached, Gary was starting to hurt my knee. Finally I lost my cool and started to peel him off with my fingers. Then came the blood. Gary wasn't trying to be my friend, Gary was eating me. That was the day I learned about betrayal and darkness.

I hate flies. Particularly horse flies. And especially Gary.


11 Humans.

Enough said.


12. Cane toads

Australians will understand.


13. Horses

They embody all of humanity's worst traits. Hierarchy in the herd determines who gets to eat and breed, so they spend all their free time fighting. Don't be fooled by the docile pony all dolled up under saddle; as soon as they go back in their pen they turn into evil poo-pumps. A horse at the bottom of the pecking order will turn into a teeth-gnashing, hoof-embedding inferno when put into a group they think they can dominate. They will chase each other through electric fences and then expect those same victims to guard them while they sleep.

If they don't like their food or think someone else has better, they will piss on their hay and then chase the other horse away from theirs.

The mothering instinct lasts about one month after foaling, and then the baby becomes another competitor for food. They step on their feed pans because they want to dig out the sweet bits, scattering feed, and then go after another's pan.

They will chew on the very shelter that protects them from the weather, and kick holes in it because they are annoyed. They eat grass to the root and then wonder why none grows back. They poop in their water buckets, on the walls, on each other.

If they sense weakness in the human leading them, they will pull loose and take off. They spook over the slightest shadow, but will bluntly ignore commands that will save them from harm.

Their idea of fun is chewing off each other's blankets in the dead of winter, making them freeze.

Their hooves destroy the ground, their poop destroys the ground, and they love to roll on the ground right after you clean them. They also think it's funny to casually step on you and then ignore your pleas to move.

Horses are dicks.


14. Huntsman Spiders

Huntsman spiders - there is no 'they're more scared of you' type thing with them, they will actually (Continued)

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They will actually run and jump towards you. Not joking.


15. Deer

Here's the thing; they murder probably more people than any other animal by essentially suicide bombing drivers. Occasionally they commit murder and hoof you to death. They're just dicks. Horned dicks.


16. Ants

Ants are famous for hard work and being able to lift many times their body weight, making them the perfect heroes of an Ayn Rand novel, or the perfect working drone of communism depending on who's telling the story.

So why are they so awful?

Ants are the only species besides humans that carry out wars and enslave their own. And by enslave we mean pulling out the ant whips and putting the other guy to work against his will.

The victors raid the other nest, capture any survivors and steal all the eggs. Survivors and newborn ants are then forced to work for the victors' nest as long as they live; or at least until their new masters get a craving for some fresh slave ant, and devour them.

17. Lions

Ah, the lion. The noblest of animals, always sitting majestically on top of some rock, overseeing his dominion and protecting the pride and so on.

Actually, lions are huge jerks. If there is one thing lions love to do, it's moms. Unfortunately, female lions don't like to put out when they're raising a kid. So, when the lions want some but the kids are in the way, they walk up to the little brats and just straight up kill them. Dead. Done. Gone. Then, to add insult to injury, they proceed to try and get it on with the mother.

18. Meerkats

Meerkats are vile. A 15-year study observing 40 large meerkat groups concluded that their leaders are slave-driving, murderous taskmasters who react to any possible competition in the worst manner imaginable: mass infanticide. See, each group is run by an alpha couple, the only 'kats' allowed to make babies. So if another couple of meerkats get it on and the female gets pregnant... uh oh.

The alpha's never happy to meet a wee one that isn't hers. After all, what if one grows up to be the Chosen One to overthrow the tyrant? No. Way.

So how does the Queen ensure those deviant baby meerkats suffer appropriately? (Continued)

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She straight up murders them, right in front of their horrified mother.

And instead of just putting the beta out of her misery, the alpha gives her a Sophie's Choice: Either immediately leave the colony and never return (which, since meerkats aren't good at hunting alone, would turn mom into snake poop within days) or become the alpha's best slave forever. Yes, slave -- the beta would be forced into making milk for the alpha's children and generally babysitting the little brats, because it's not like she has any kids of her own tying her down.

19. Bed Bugs

I know they're just doing their thing, but the fact that they come into my apartment, bite me, ruin my furniture, force me to throw out all my belongings and leave my apartment for such small bugs they can have a huge, annoying impact.


20. The Coot

... yes, that's really this bird's name...

Even without the rated-R moniker, coot chicks are so darn adorable, they manage to turn looking like waterlogged mini-vultures into a positive trait. It's their parents, some of the worst child-rearers since the dawn of time, who are the real issue. Basically, they hatch too many children -- nine or 10 at a time -- and can't feed them all. Coots aren't birds of prey, and often the best meals they can scrounge up are tiny, unfilling non-noms like insects and unbreaded shrimp with no cocktail sauce (can you imagine?!). Mom and dad attempt to divvy up this anti-buffet among their starving, increasingly squawking chicks, but it's not enough. The kids remain hungry, and by now are shrieking nonstop about it.

Obviously, the new parents get fed up.

Coot parents, unable to handle the responsibility of feeding such a noisy, demanding brood, start to actually (Continued)

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They start to actually attack their own children -- biting them on the head and making it perfectly clear that whining isn't okay.

Eventually, they stop attacking all their kids and zoom in on whomever they feel is the weakest. That one gets bitten, pecked, and shunned every time it yells for food, until finally it gets the point and shuts up. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean an invite back to the dinner table. It has officially been disowned, and anything it does will simply invite more violence. The sole option, being a baby, is to slink off and slowly die of starvation.

21. Pandas

They're a complete and total failure as a species. They have no natural predators yet they're still going extinct because they decided to only eat stupid rare sticks and they refuse to bang out a continuation of their species. If the stupid bears want to kill their species in peace, that would be fine, but no, the stupid jerks are cute as heck, so everyone is all "Quick, we need tosave the pandas right now!", so a huge chunk of biodiversity preservation funding goes to keep these dumb popular bears alive while numerous other less glamorous species are going extinct with little fuss because they're not "cute".



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