Graveyard Shift Employees Reveal The Spookiest Experiences They've Had
While most people are sleeping, some work the graveyard shift. Sure, it pays better, but you also have to deal with things that go bump in the night... or that scream... or want to eat you...
Awsaf_ asked night guards of Reddit: What's the scariest experience you can share with us?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
They can smell fear.
I used to work security for a ski resort, I was swing shift, 4 to midnight.
After every shift I had about a 20 minute walk down a dark mountain road through the woods to reach my bus stop, also there were no streetlights. There's dark and then there's in-the-woods-in-the-shadow-of-a-mountain dark.
After a week or so I started getting stalked by a pack of coyotes.
One coyote isn't terribly impressive, like an ugly medium sized dog, two coyotes aren't super intimidating either, but three or more is a different story, once it's a proper pack they get bold.
The first couple nights it was just one or two, I could see their eye shine about 40 or 50 yards in the woods, they'd check me out then run off. After a week or two more started showing up, 4 or 5 at a time but once I counted 8.
The thing is, once there were 3 or more they didn't run off, they'd follow me from the treeline, every once and a while crossing the street in front of or behind me, they also stopped keeping their distance, they'd come as close as 20 feet or less.
Seeing 8 pairs of glowing eyes is creepy but the noises they make, holy f*ck.
So yeah, I carried bear mace at the ready during my walks to the bus stop for the whole season.
King of the urinals.
Not a night guard, but I was a janitor for a little bit a while ago in a building that was only accessible by a key fob. You'd need one to get into the front door, and you'd have to use it again to enter the offices.
The shift was from 4pm to midnight, and if I finished early, I got to leave while still being paid until midnight.
Each night I'd hang out with my co-workers in the office until 5 P.M., then we'd all head out to our buildings. I'd empty all the trash bins first, vacuum and mop where needed, take care of any scheduled cleanings like steam cleaning the curtains, and I'd hit the bathrooms last since everyone would normally be out of the office at that time.
Most nights I was finished between 8 P.M. and 9 P.M.
There was a night when I was finishing up, and all I had to do was clean the bathrooms. I did the woman's room without any issues, and then I headed into the men's room. When I went in, the lights turned on because of that sensor, and there was some man I had never seen before just standing in the middle of the bathroom.
I have no idea who he was, or how long he was in there, but he had to have stood still long enough for the lights to go off, and then remain motionless so they wouldn't turn back on.
When I saw him, I just turned around and left for the night.
Lmfao I laughed so hard when I read the last part. Just a "lol nah that ain't my job" moment.
They're just doggos.
I worked at an airport and while I was not a guard, I was the only one working graveyard shift at my job.
One night I was sitting at the front desk playing a game on my phone and the sliding doors to the lobby opened. I looked up didn't see anyone, thought it was weird and went back to my phone. A few seconds later I heard a clacking noise on the tile floor in front of the desk. I very slowly stood up and then froze.
Two of the biggest rottweilers I had ever seen were standing in front of the desk staring at me. If they decided to attack me there was no way I could fight off both of them and being alone until the next shift meant they would probably kill me.
After what felt like an hour of watching them their body language didn't seem aggressive so I came around the desk and it turned out they were actually both super chill dogs named Sophie and Mac. They also knew how to sit, give their paw and lay down on command.
They belonged to a boat shop about a mile away and it turns out airport security were very familiar with them as they had a habit of escaping the boat shop and wandering the airport.
They ended up hanging out with me for the rest of my shift until security picked them up and gave them a lift back home.
Not so silent.
I do rounds in a factory. During shutdown with maybe ten lights on in a giant plant for holidays, one of the freaking monstrous machines lets out a blowhorn sound that mirrored the raid sirens in silent hill.
I cannot begin to tell you the dread that inspired.
I would have ran for my life.
Dude. When I was 17, I went urbexing in this cavernous vacant PCB factory. Sprawling factory floor, all the equipment gone, just a few token lights on to sort of illuminate the place.
I was walking right in the middle of that massive empty space when that exact sound happened, ear-splittingly loud, with no warning whatsoever.
Man, I f*cking sh*t. I leapt halfway out of my skin, snapped back into it, and bolted out of there faster than I'd ever run in my life. Across the factory floor, out the unlocked door, to the edge of the property, threw myself into the gravel to speed-crawl under a gate, and ran another four blocks to my car so I could burn rubber all the way home. Literally expected paint to start peeling off the walls.
Copper is super valuable on the black market.
Security at a remote site at about 330 A.M.
Doing my rounds, admittedly sleep deprived, and heard a very clear "f**k" whispered from just outside the fence. Some rustling ensued and my heart started to race. Called for back up but no answer. I go to investigate on my own and find nothing.
Ff to 415 A.M.
"Just go to sleep already" from the same spot. Call for backup, no answer, investigate, nothing.
Now pissed, I go to the security office to ask where the f*ck everyone is because I'm hearing people talk in the bushes. Turns out both of my partners left. Called the operations center, nothing. I was straight up about to leave when a truck rolled up to the security gate. I'm in the office so I see it on the camera and I flip on the microphone and say "please present your ID to the camera, we'll have someone let you in shortly." NO ANSWER. Go to investigate, drunk guy took a wrong turn and thought he was at home so he fell asleep in his truck, at our gate. Call the cops cause he clearly shouldn't be driving, not that it's really my issue. Then call operations again, this time they pick up and inform me everyone is sick and that I should go home as it's against policy to work at this site on your own. Still no clue what those voices were but man that was a stressful night. Lots of break ins from copper thieves, quite often armed tho.
If you have copper thieves breaking in frequently, I'm going to hazard a guess that your job site is an abandoned building, likely a fairly large complex.
If that's the case, the mysterious voices could have been urban explorers trying to photograph the building. As an urban explorer, I can attest that sometimes there are locations out there that are only accessible by sneaking past security guards in the dead of night- and locations that require doing so are often cool enough that the risk of getting caught is worth it.
"Fu*k" and "just go to sleep already" coming from just beyond the fence line sounds like a couple of frustrated urban explorers waiting for you to move on so they can sneak past you into the complex itself. Hearing the voices 45 minutes apart is a reasonable timeframe for this explanation- I've definitely seen locations where you have to wait over an hour in a single hiding place for an opening where you can sneak past, especially if you aren't exactly sure of the security layout (guards, cameras, alarms, motion detectors, etc).
We're a pretty harmless bunch, far more afraid of you than you are of us. If an urban explorer does things right, they'll sneak in, photograph the complex, and sneak out with the guards being none the wiser.
Now this is scary.
I'm a night guard, but the story is from a colleague of mine.
So my colleague was guarding this quite big complex in which the security system was not working. So they had two guards stationed at two different locations in this building. My colleague gets a call on the radio from the other night guard that he'a hearing someone trying to break in. So my colleague rushes over there as fast as he can.
Now this building was quite the maze and required a number of keys in order to get from where he was to where the other guard was. And he finds out that he's been given wrong sets of keys. So for him to get to where the break in is happening he now has to go around the outside of the building. This took some extra time and when he arrived he found the other guard knocked down in a pool of blood.
He had tried to stop the three guys doing the break in by himself and got rewarded with a hard pipe bashed to his head. My colleague pressed his SRT, the panic alarm. And tried to tend to his friends wound. It took about 5 minutes for the police and EMT to get there but he said it felt like it took hours. Since he was pretty sure his colleague was going to die.
He ended up in a coma for 5 days and also lost some of his eyesight in his left eye. But other than that me recovered quite well.
No one got caught since the attackers just hit him blind sided and decided to get the hell out of there once they clocked him.
My colleague still work as a night guard but the other guy that got a pipe to his head had a few months to recover and now works as an EMT instead.
It's the ones with the real people that are the scary ones. Glad both of them are okay.
I agree. Seeing how animalistic people can really be will always be more terrifying to me than anything paranormal.
Sometimes a cat is just a cat.
In the winter we get homeless people sleeping in our stairwells so I have to kick them out.
One time I went down and something leaped at me. I went "phew just a cat." Then I remembered the horror movie trope and realized the real scare is coming up next so I skipped checking the stairwells that night.
Phew.
Wait, what?
Not a night guard but when I worked at Sam's Club, I took a couple of night shifts to get my department ready for a big sale event. I would get there at about 2 A.M. and be done at 10 A.M.
Our store is located on a hillside kind of back towards the woods a little bit. To get in after hours, we had to go around to the back of the store and go through the receiving entrance. It was always dark and creepy but I never felt like scared or anything.
Until my last night shift. I got the unsettling feeling of being watched. Like hairs on the back of your neck standing up, heart beating out of your chest unsettling.
I booked it into the store and slammed the door shut behind me. One of the night crew asked what was wrong and I told him. He laughed and told me welcome to the night shift.
About ten minutes later, one of the night crew went out that same door for a cigarette and a bear climbed out of the dumpster beside the door.
You've left that on a bit of a cliffhanger there...
The story probably ends there. Not every tale has a movie-like climax to finish on. Sometimes, I like those stories the best, because that's how life usually works.
Phantom screams at night in a hospital? Nope.
While I was on a night shift as a nurse with one of my colleagues, we would sit in little room that was wall to wall with the elevators. The one right next to us was only for employees and was barely used at night. We were minding our own business when we heard the most ear-piercing and terrifying "scream" coming from the elevator. We sat there looking at each other, unwilling to actually check it out, but when we rushed out shortly after the elevator wasn't in use. Needless to say we were on the edge for the entire rest of the shift. We never found out what caused it, and it never happened again.
Maybe someone had a bad reaction to a spider on them or something.
I'm more convinced it may have had something to do with the reinforced cables expanding/retracting in the cold weather. The whole thing didn't exactly sound human.
Sleep tight.
During my time as a Sheriff's Deputy, I worked as a night guard for a local branch of a massive investment firm for extra cash, and worked the 4pm-12am shift on weekends. There was only two guards on shift at any time, and because it was a financial building, they allowed those of us certified to be armed if we had the certificates.
The facility was three buildings across a 4 acre property, was gated, and was on the tail end of an industrial park, on the border of a really rough neighborhood, where break ins and shootings were not uncommon.
One night I was on guard during December, a lot of the desks were covered in Christmas decorations and wrapping paper, and a lot of the employees would leave little treats and bowls of candy out for us to thank us for being there for them. We all really appreciated it and it helped take our minds off of the long hours while we were there alone, and it reminded us of why we did it.
That particular night the other guard I was with was a fellow soldier with me in the National Guard, so we both knew we were trained and had each other's backs, which had me pretty at ease as I walked down the long dark empty hallways with my flashlight. Suddenly my radio lit up, and my buddy tells me the cameras in one of the cubicle areas was feeding black, and he thinks the lights went out, and my job was to walk over there and reset the breaker and get the lights back on.
I turned around and began to walk down the hallway, it was absolutely pitch black, no service lights, no door lights, no faint glow of computers left on, nothing. The air felt cold, my flashlight felt darker than normal, something wasn't right.
My heartbeat began to speed up as I remembered that the breaker room was all the way in the back, near the server, and I had to walk down nearly 40 rows of cubicles to get there. I listened carefully in case it was someone versus something that caused it, and I kept hearing this odd clicking sound as I began to slowly walk through the cubicle row.
Suddenly, I saw a silhouette "crouched" down between two cubicles in the back, I knelt down and drew my gun, thinking I caught someone in the building, I pinged the radio twice to signal my buddy to get 9-1-1 on standby, and began to slowly walk towards it, issuing verbal commands.
"Stand up, face me, NOW!" I yelled at the silhouette, wondering why it wasn't moving. As my flashlight hit it, it was a godd*mned clown statue holding a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
I laughed and holstered my gun, my hands were shaking, I was sweaty, I genuinely was happy I didn't have to use force or possibly take a life that night. I felt so relieved. I walked up to, planning to move it back inside of a cubicle to get it out of our way.
Suddenly the little f*cker lit up "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" it laughed, loudly and sharply.
I took off running like. The thing absolutely caught me off guard and scared the living sh*t out of me. I've caught bums in our dumpster, crack heads on our roof, we even had a multiple shooting in the apartments nearby. Nothing scared me as much as that f*cking clown laughing at me. Eyes and nose glowing red. I ran all the way back to the front desk and made my buddy get the lights in there.
I'm not even scared of clowns normally, but that one in particular would continue to creep me out for the rest of the time I worked there.
Sad thing is, nothing I encountered in my time in the Military or Law Enforcement ever scared me as much as that clown.
There's just not enough good "Clown Training" nowadays.
F*ck that clown.
It's another ordinary day in America.
So of course that means we've already had a mass shooting or two before brunch.
And aside from the mass shootings, the number of single gunshot wounds or deaths is too high to count.
So let's discuss the aftermath.
Let's hear from the people who have faced the barrel of a loaded gun, or were just a casualty going about their day.
What happens after the bullet lands?
***CAUTION - SENSITIVE MATERIAL AHEAD - TRIGGER WARNING***
Redditor notaninterestingacc wanted to hear from the people who have lived the nightmare. They asked:
"Gunshot survivors of Reddit - What does it feel like to get shot?"
Guns are not a joke. Please educate yourself before you purchase.
Then the pin hit...
"I took a 7.62 to the stomach in Afghanistan. Felt like somebody had smacked with like, I dunno, a flyswatter or something. A short sharp smack. Didn’t feel much until I tried to come out of cover and I just... couldn’t. Couldn’t make my body listen to me. Then the pain hit. I’d put it at like, I dunno, an 11/10. Bullet blew off half my liver."
eyeCinfinitee
Thank you EMS...
"Chest, .357 magnum, through sternum, lung, ricochet off of rib, through scapula. Still have half under my shouldblade. Felt like I was stabbed in the chest with a hot fire poker mounted to the bottom of someone's foot when they drop kicked me. Was not expected to survive (severe blood loss), of course. Very good EMS team kept the liquids where they were supposed to and great doctors and nurses kept me going."
mndyerf**kinbusiness
Knocked Back
"I didn't really feel either of mine until about 10 minutes later. Took a grazing shot off my left arm and one in the right hip that went out my back thankfully missing my kidney. The arm felt like a bee sting the hip knocked me back a step the adrenalin at the time masked the pain."
richwith9
The Masked Men
"I was shot during a home robbery. I’m probably one of The luckiest people alive. The bullet no joke scratched my cheek and then went through the top of my ear and also a bullet grazed my wrist and opened it up. I didn’t feel anything but just liquid running down my face and my wrist was burning."
"Scariest night of my life and RIP Christian. Miss you so much buddy. Here is proof. We... https://www.chron.com/neighborhood/katy/crime-courts/article/Man-charged-in-attempted-burglary-apartment-6236325.php Authorities said Burke and Brandon Fries, 21, fought the suspects for their guns, which were fired during the struggle."
"The two masked men fled, and investigators initially did not have any information about which direction they went or whether they escaped from the scene by car. Both Burke and Fries had been shot and were transported to Hermann Memorial Hospital in Katy. Burke was pronounced dead upon arrival at the emergency room, less than four miles away.”
Brandonfries28
Like a Rock
"I got shot in the ankle when I was 10. Honestly I thought a rock hit me. Just a slight stinging feeling. Didn't really hurt, I even kept running with my bike. Later at the hospital was a different story. The doctor tried to remove the bullet without putting me under."
"He said the pain medicine would make me forget everything. He gave up after a few minutes of hell. And, whatever he gave me didn't work as described, but it did oddly make everyone look purple from what I remember. So maybe it half worked? lol."
adamchilders
People really? How in the world do y'all get firearms?
Fleshed Off...
"Right thigh, 9mm, grazing shot across the front of the leg about 4 inches above the knee. It plowed a channel of skin and some flesh off the front. It felt searing hot like someone had laid a hot piece of metal on my leg for a second. Then, the pain went away for a while until the adrenaline wore off. It honestly hurt worse 6 hours later than it did when it happened."
morgen_benner
A slight pinch...
"I was randomly shot while walking down the street with my girlfriend in 2013. I didn't fall to the ground or anything like that. Walked into a store and told them to call the cops. It didn't hurt too bad at first. A slight pinch. The heat builds up and the pain comes in. Some throbbing as the blood pumps out. I was extremely lucky as the bullet lodged between my lower right ribs in the back just above my kidney."
"The aftermath was a really achey back. What I remember most was how everyone around me except for my girlfriend just walked around us like nothing happened. I was suffering and potentially dying and everyone just ignored it. 'Not my problem' I suppose. I lost a lot of faith in people that day."
SoggyPastaPants
Not the Head
"I accidentally discharged my 9 and I was hit in the head. While it was going on I honestly did not feel any pain but everything slowed way down. Healing and recooperating was the hardest. My mouth and jaw was wired shut for several months. Had to have complete facial reconstruction surgery."
"Had to take a piece of bone from my skull and graph it to my nose just so I could have a nose. I also had to have a feeding tube for almost a whole year. I've recovered fully and I'm very lucky. I remember mostly everything. Something's from the incident I don't remember, but for the most part, I have my memories in tact."
No-Kick1632
It Burns...
"My gf was shot, not me, but she said it felt hot and like impact but not particularly painful until much later. She was in shock and went to the hospital, after hours she said it started to hurt."
DntShadowBanMeDaddy
"This was my response too. It feels incredibly hot. It's like getting hit with a bee that's on fire. It burns like hell. But then, and only later, does is f**king hurt. The part two is that you might think you understand pressure, but get shot. It doesn't just hurt, it mashes into you."
trebuchetfight
Ricochet
"A good friend of mine got hit with a ricochet from a 9mm that hit his calf, there was drive by about a block down. He was outside of the bar smoking a cig when it happened, ran inside and felt his leg burning but decided to keep drinking. He had about 3 more drinks before someone mentioned he was bleeding… went to the ER absolutely hammered and was fine after surgery."
PM_Me_UrRightNipple
Please stay sober when handling a weapon. Please be careful in general.
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It's never attractive to gloat.
Nor does superiority ever come off as a particularly attractive attribute.
But, consciously or not, some people speak or behave in a way that immediately suggests that they think they deserve to be treated differently, i.e better than others.
Or that they believe they simply are better than other people.
A recent Redditor was curious what sort of behavior struck other people as elitist or arrogant behavior by asking:
"What screams "I am entitled"?"
Where's the fire?
"Impatience in situations where it should be just universally understood that you need patience".- c7hu1hu.
Positions of power.
"I will have you fired!"- Vergo27.
"Generally just leaving something for someone else to deal with."- Splatty_boi_420.
Sorry, but I was here first.
"People who cut in line."- Chad_Farthousse.
"People who ignore lines and cut in the front, like their time is more important than every other person patiently queueing."- ofsquire.
No one loves a tattletale.
“I’ll call my dad and tell him what you did!”- ROAM300.
Ever heard of quid pro quo?
"When they do something to you and think it’s fine but when you do it in return and they freak out."- Silvero129.
Name your price.
"I work as a ticket seller for a ski resort."
"My favorite entitled person is the guy who, upon finding out that the kid's ski lesson was sold out, offered to pay extra if I would kick someone else's kid out so his kid could have a spot."- Floranagirl.
Perhaps one of the most obvious ways to unwittingly show off your entitlement?
By being oblivious to how entitled you are.
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There's something about the woods that creeps me out. Listen here, people: I'm a city guy. The idea of getting lost out there freaks me out. No thank you. I wasn't made for that. The rest of you who like to go camping and stuff? You do you. I'll stick with my running water.
But maybe I've seen too many horror movies. After all, if I saw some creepy stuff in the woods I'd definitely run in the other direction. And so would you, right? Right?
People shared their best stories with us after Redditor shantics asked the online community,
"What have you seen in the woods that you can’t explain?"
"I stepped on what I thought was a small rock but it turned out to be weird and gelatinous. I've also seen tombstones in the woods."
his_eminence56
You just suprised it. Rocks are soft and squishy, they just tense up when you touch them! /s
"I was hiking through the remnants..."
"I was hiking through the remnants of a remote, long-abandoned town and the surrounding area. To get to as far into the woods as I was, you had to cross fallen trees over a creek three times. I had just crossed the third "bridge" and was about five miles in and something blue caught my eye just ahead of me."
"There was a man, in his sixties at least, wearing blue satin pajamas, sitting in a tree. The closer I got to him the louder he laughed; it wasn't a maniacal laugh, but it set off all the alarms in my head nevertheless. He also wasn't wearing any shoes and looked well-groomed/cleaned."
"I gave him a friendly nod as I passed and he just kept laughing. Then it stopped. I turned and he was gone. There was no branch cracking, plants rustling, nothing... He was just gone."
"Still rubs me the wrong way. The area I was in was a pretty rough hike, very secluded. Not very many people venture as deep as I was that day. No idea what was going on there."
mrwitch
“Over the Third Bridge” would be a great title for a spooky book or movie.
"Neat as a pin..."
"Fully decorated Xmas tree. Middle of summer. Neat as a pin it was, as if it had just been finished. Who ever did it came back at some point and cleaned it up, because it wasn't there next I did that trail a week or so later."
OldWomanintheWoods
This one’s not that uncommon actually. Lots of folks will decorate a tree in remembrance of someone out in the woods. Sucks when they don’t clean them up though.
"It's an interesting..."
"In Japan. A hotel was abandoned before it was ever finished being built. It only became a cement skeleton, about 5 stories high. It was left that way to eventually mold back into the forest around it."
It’s an interesting small building to explore. There are halls that are unlevel to the point of hitting your head on the ceiling (think: Willy Wonka)."
"There are stairwells that lead to nothing and one that leads to an unintentional hole in a cement wall. And on the top floor (but “inside” - as in, under the “roof”), is an old car - all smashed up - with seemingly no reason or method to have been up there."
[deleted]
This reminds me of those old abandoned amusement parks that pretty much exist to destroy me mentally.
"I once walked..."
"I once walked through the undergrowth (i.e. off the trail) with my then-girlfriend when we came across this spot where a few empty plastic bags were lying on the ground (strange because the woods are otherwise super clean), a pair of gloves and, most confusingly, the official ID card (= passport) of a young woman."
Minister_of_Joy
I would freak out and call the cops. That sounds like a murder scene.
"Many plastic bags..."
"Many plastic bags with nothing really in them but random odd things tied to trees. Sure, it could have been a homeless person but us kids att (like 12+) of us lived in those small woods behind the church every single day. We never saw anyone like that, ever. Passing through I guess, but why so many bags...still wonder."
WiseOwlBear
Do we want to know what was in them? Probably not.
"When I was a teenager..."
"When I was a teenager, I worked at a fireworks stand that was run by my friend's family. It was in a rural area: they owned a few acres of land, had the fireworks tent at the front of the property and the house towards the back, but no lights in between. My friend's mother would prepare dinner for all the workers and we'd take turns going back to the house for dinner."
"One night, I was going to the house for dinner by myself. I felt something on my arm. I thought a bug might have landed on me, but it was really dark so I couldn't see anything. I stopped walking for a second. Then I started hearing this low, raspy breathing right next to me."
"There weren't any people around me and it didn't sound anything like a bug. It was like a slow, asthmatic wheeze."
"I started getting really freaked out. I reached my hand down to my arm and felt... something larger than I expected. I furiously rubbed my hands all across my body to try and dislodge whatever this thing was, then ran as fast as I could to the house. When I finally got to the safety of the house, I could see a small red mark on my arm, but that was it."
"To this day, it's probably the most freaked out I've ever been."
[deleted]
Chills reading this! Nooo thank you!
"Several very large holes..."
"Really big holes. Several very large holes, fairly close to each other, that seem to serve no purpose. Ten feet wide, deep enough that if you jumped in you’d have to have help getting out. Was someone preparing to bury a bunch of people? Was someone punishing their kid by making them dig holes? Did they hear there was buried treasure out there?"
"We’ve never figured it out."
theyarnilama
How far apart? How neat were the holes? In a plantation or natural wood? Accessible by a small excavator?
"I once saw a huge pile of cat and dog skulls and bones about 100m from my cabin so we sold the cabin as soon as we could. It was creepy."
[deleted]
This definitely sounds like the beginning of a horror film. Did the ghosts follow you? Please report back.
"There's a small patch..."
"There's a small patch of woods where I live. You could walk across it in less than an hour. It's entirely safe and has marked trails. People somehow manage to get lost in there and I can't explain that."
ThadisJones
Did they stumble across the bounds of time and space? That might explain it. But you might be underestimating how many people lack a sense of direction.
None of this makes you want to go out into the woods, huh? Yeah, we thought so. We'll pass the next time we get an offer to go camping somewhere.
Have some stories of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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We're all not geniuses.
Everybody has varying degrees of knowledge and brain power.
And that is ok.
Though some of us are really lacking in any sense and every once and awhile people like to sugarcoat that fact when they call us out.
"Bless your heart."
That's a big one in the South. Means... "I like you, but Lord are you missing marbles."
Redditor MrMadJoker wanted to know the most creative ways to describe people who lack a few IQ points.
They asked:
"What's your favorite euphemism for a dumb person?"
"You're missing a few pieces of the puzzle."
Said to me from my Geometry teacher. Now I know what he meant.
And... he was right.
Cents
"I could give them a penny for their thoughts and I'd get change back."
hopefulsite126
The Cells
"He's got 2 brain cells left, and they're fighting for 3rd place."
Striking_Yoghurt_690
"One more neuron and he'd have a synapse."
Bad Wheel
"The wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead."
ofsquire
"My old english teacher used to say 'I can smell the hamster burning.'"
cardew-vascular
"Bruh how u gonna do hamsters like that. Im dead 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣"
Mulberry0
YOU
"You're the reason we have warning labels."
ofsquire
"My bosses comment about my non-too bright coworker 'you can’t get mad at her- she’s the reason shampoo has directions and she probably still f**ked it up…'”
Smoopiebear
"You see? Because of me, they have a warning label."
WantToBeBetterAtSex
Ok... some of this is some good comedy.
Or Puppet...
"I'm an American, but I love when British folks call people Muppets. For a long time Europe has led the way in insult innovation, and I think it's time we caught up."
JonSnow31391
Vanilla?
"Less useful than a chocolate teapot."
Pokeybumfun
"My Physics teacher used to say 'more pointless than a chocolate fireguard' whenever we had pencils that were too blunt for graph drawing hahaha."
ElegantEagle13
"German version of that is 'dumber than a piece of bread.'"
00192737292
I Like Turkey
"Shouldn't be left in charge of a ham sandwich."
accomplished_loaf
"I had a college professor who had met Gaddafi (God have mercy on him), the late dictator of Libya, and his impression was 'it would've been a shame to put that lunatic in charge of 10 chickens.'"
thefuzzybunny1
"Lol... for some reason this reminds me of Gordon Ramsay saying on Kitchen Nightmares that he wouldn’t trust a guy to run his bath, let alone his restaurant 😅."
thxitsthedepression
No Top Floor
"Your elevator doesn't go to the top floor. You're as sharp as a marble. You'd be stuck for an answer at hello (that's from Classy Freddie Blassie you pencil necked geeks)."
ferox965
"People tell me my elevator doesn't go the whole way to the top floor but I don't even HAVE an elevator."
"People tell me that too! We should go buy one~"
one_angry_custodian
Space
"My grandpa says: 'A lot of space between them ears.' Which is my absolute favorite, because a lot of people don't get it at first and just enforces the meaning."
Blobfish_Blues
Not all of us are going to break IQ records. That's ok. But these descriptions are funny.
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