Near death experiences are a pretty popular subject in media. Many books, movies, and television shows have been based on the experiences of those who were clinically dead for a time.
We don't really know a whole lot about what happens to the human consciousness when we die, though.
Redditors shared their near death experiences at the behest of u/Jason_Whorehees:
Some responses have been edited for content, clarity, or profanity.
*CONTENT WARNING: descriptions of near death experiences, death, and suicide*
My girlfriend is anaphylactic, and it is triggered by a chemical called salicylate (found in pretty much every food). When she was in high school she had her first big reaction, and the school nurses refused to administer her epipen (adrenaline shot) until the ambulance got there. Now obviously, having an anaphylactic reaction doesn't give you a lot of 'waiting time', so by the time the ambulance got to her school she was in pretty bad shape and barely conscious.
The paramedics immediately administered one of her epipens, called the nurses "f*cking tw*ts" and loaded her into the ambulance as her mother arrived. She continued to fade, so they gave her a direct injection of adrenaline this time, still nothing. They give her a second direct injection of adrenaline and this time it hits her about 30 seconds later all at once, and her heart fails. She stops breathing, no pulse, nothing. Dead to the world. For about 2 minutes and 46 seconds she was clinically dead. And the scariest thing is, she saw nothing.
She tells me that when you are losing consciousness you can't tell the difference between waves of drowsiness and when your body actually shuts down. All she saw was the darkness of her eyelids, and it felt like going into an extremely calm sleep where she couldn't hear or feel anything, and she didn't mind it. All despite the fact her mother and the paramedics were screaming at her to keep her eyes open and the ambulance was flying towards the hospital.
She miraculously just came back to life almost 3 minutes later as they were giving her chest compressions, and the cardiologist that assessed her later stated that all the adrenaline in her body was enough to not only stop her heart, but to also restart it with the little help from the paramedic pumping it around. But still do this day, she can't differentiate falling asleep after a long day, and dying.
Friend of mine described it as deeply relaxing and that she could feel herself drifting away, but was brought back just as she was ready to "leave".
After that, she embraced life and death. She said she doesn't fear death anymore since it was so relaxing to experience.
My wife and I discussed this at length. 4 years ago, she died twice in 3 months, needing full resuscitation both times. Both were lengthy rescues (one resuscitation was off-and-on for nearly 40 minutes).
I asked her later when she had recovered if she remembered anything at all during the times she was clinically dead. She remembered nothing. Blackness.
No light. No relatives and former pets waiting for her. Just... black. Thankfully, also no pain.
She finally passed 18 months ago, and I hope she felt no pain or worry the final time.
Not mine but the head of my program was in a horrible car accident. She was dead for a few minutes on the scene while paramedics worked on her. She said it was the most amazing feeling she's ever experienced. It was blank black nothing, but that was perfectly fine, and she felt a comfort she can't even explain.
She remembers being angry at the man working on her when she finally came back to her body because she wanted to stay there. She told us she can't wait to experience it again when it's really her turn.
Edit: I'm really pleased this resonated so strongly with so many of you! I wanted to add some detail about her. She's not religious in the slightest, and she actively quashes our ghost stories and sh*t (mortuary students) because she only believes in tangible things, so she fully turned me into a believer.
Felt its important I make a distinction she was very adamant about when telling us this story- she's not advocating suicide. She stressed that she isn't telling us she's trying to reach this place again but that when it was her time she was going to be comfortable embracing it.
I coded after surgery. I remember being able to see and hear everything and understand what was happening, but I couldn't physically feel anything. It was deeply unsettling.
I drowned and was resuscitated when I was a teenager.
I remember struggling mightily and then, when I was sure there wasn't any hope, a distinct Okay then. I can let go. And from that moment on, there was peace. Total peace. Nothing hurt, I didn't even feel the dying part. I would imagine, for someone who decides upon suicide, the peace started the second they made that choice. It's said that suicide victims often looked happiest/calmest in their final days.
Now that being said: there are other, better ways of obtaining peace that aren't destructive, and I urge anyone reading this who is considering suicide to talk to someone. It is entirely possible to be happy again while alive; you just can't do it without outside help.
I was electrocuted by about 13,800 volts. The doctors say it's likely the first hit stopped my heart and the second one started it (before I was pulled like a lifeless corpse to safety).
I remember experiencing the darkest dark and the most silent silence. I ceased to care that I was dying; time seemed to change, it could have been hours it seemed. It was only about 30 seconds.
I felt as though I was floating and floated toward something that I eventually realized was my body and reality. Upon joining with whatever it was I was floating towards, I became self aware in my body and heard the electricity making horrible noises and knew I was in danger.
From there it was a horribly painful experience where I lost most of my toes due to tissue death and had severe electrical burns on all four limbs. More surgeries than I care to count and seeing the round bone ends of my toes that were freshly amputated still haunts me a little.
EDIT: Thank you everyone for helping me understand something that happened over 12 years ago. I was in the hospital for about a month inpatient, and then for 10 months, daily as an outpatient (basically sent me home for my mental sanity but needed daily attention). I got addicted to pain killers, had to learn to walk again and had to see a pain management therapist.
It was horrible at times but eventually the pain began to subside. I went back to school and became an engineer and I don't think I'd be where I am without this thing happening. Really strange to think that I am in some way grateful now. Also I can't watch horror anymore, Hollywood actually does a very realistic job.
I was on loads of morphine so it's still really hazy and the fact it happened almost 6 years ago doesn't help the memory, but I'll try to recollect, as accurately I can, what happened and what I experienced.
I had appendicitis and my foster parents at the time didn't take me to the hospital until 2, almost 3 days after it had burst. I should've been dead well before they took me, even the doctors called it a miracle. Well, I died while waiting for surgery.
I had to wait for a pediatric surgeon to come in because no one else felt comfortable performing the surgery on a case this bad with a child this size (dumb@sses took me to the adult hospital, not the pediatrics which was 40 mins away. I was 14, 5'3 and weighed 75 pounds soaking wet). So while I was waiting for the surgeon I was in a room with me, the doctor, my two foster parents and my grandmother who is an RN. Like I said, I was really drugged up and couldn't really focus on much and couldn't really do anything.
The monitor I was hooked up to would beep really loudly from time to time and the intervals between beeps started to decrease rapidly. Turns out I wasn't breathing. I was conscious for the most part, I just kept forgetting to breathe. Doctors had to keep nudging me so I wouldn't sleep. I just remember being pissed at this loud beeping that kept me from enjoying a nice slumber.
The doctor had to step out for a second and my grandmother assured him she could look after me for a second. Unfortunately for her, she was out of her mind with rage at my foster parents. She didn't hold anything back. My grandma is a sweet, Mormon Utahn without a rude bone in her body. Well, I heard quite a few F yous, pieces of sh*t, etc. My point is she didn't notice I had passed out until the monitor signaled I had flat lined.
This is the bit where I died and is by far the most vivid part of the experience. I remember being capable of thought but no thoughts were in my head. I can only describe it as being conscious of my spirit but without a body for my thoughts to be processed in. I just kind of existed without feeling, thinking or being anything. I was floating. Honestly at the time it was a great feeling. I don't remember any visions of people, family, places or anything like that. But I felt something wrap around me and comfort me.
Without talking I was assured I was ok, that there was nothing to be worried about, and at that point my thoughts returned. I knew at that moment, without knowing how long I'd be able to keep thinking, that I had to go back. I didn't want to, but knowing that the last thing I'd see before I left mortal life was these two pieces of human trash who had abused me, neglected me, and treated me like a stain that they didn't want to bother trying to clean up, that did it. I wanted to get back to my body, fix my life so I could go back and live with my biological parents and feel loved again.
In that moment that's all I cared about. And then I sort of willed myself back. Doctors had tried to resuscitate me but had failed. Everyone was shocked when I opened my eyes and seeing the tears in my grandma's eyes after thinking she'd lost me, that did it. I fixed my life, I reinvented myself and threw out all my anger, depression, rage and everything else that put me in Brent and Karen's home.
Honestly, the only anger I felt (the burning hatred kind that makes you want to do anything possible to release it) in the last 5ish years since I moved from their home is when I think about them and how they're still fostering youth in custody and probably pulling the same things with those kids. I live about an hour away from where they are now and I have to restrain myself from driving up there, kidnapping those kids and taking them to the authorities with an explanation of why.
The only reason I haven't done that is because I've tried telling the authorities what kind of people they are. I guess the words of a juvenile screw up don't stack up against the lies from people who have practiced this for years.
Anyways, sorry for the rant at the end. I know that wasn't entirely what you'd asked, but it felt good to type out. Thanks OP for asking this question. It's been surprisingly therapeutic talking about this.
I was dead for a very short period of time, like 30 seconds to a minute. There's a big misconception about it. It's not like sleeping at all. I'll try to explain. There's always a sort of white noise in the back of my mind. It quiets down when I sleep but it's still there. I never noticed it before I died, but I do now. I don't want to romanticize death, but when I was out, it was like this perfect nothingness.
And nothingness is so hard to imagine normally, but once you "experience" it, and they bring you back, part of you wishes you could have stayed. There's no positive feelings there, obviously, but it takes away everything bad too. All your stress, the nightmares, the troubles. All gone. Just nothing exists. It's beautiful in a way. But I'm very much looking forward to a lack of consciousness when I do eventually pass again, and I can honestly say I don't fear death anymore.
I don't know what I experienced while I was dead but when I woke back up (so to speak) I remember wanting to experience it permanently.
Clinically dead on two separate occasions. I didn't experience any visions or light and I didn't feel anything at all. It was like a switch was flipped and my existence was just shut off. Coming back was another story. Slowly I was able to hear the voices of those around me fading in, and they slowly got louder until I was able to open my eyes. That's it. Nothing spectacular. One second you're here, one second you're not.
Former co-worker of mine died during heart surgery. I think she was out for 90 seconds or close to it. She wasn't religious or anything. She said that she remembered being in the room and seeing her dead uncle and cousin standing at the far end of the room watching everything going on.
Fun fact: she shared this information during an icebreaker "give us a fun fact about yourself". She didn't remember seeing a light or anything, just seeing her dead relatives at the end of the room.
My mother experienced a long corridor with arched door ways, one was open and she said she refused to go in.
She suffered a massive stroke at 27 to from a spinal tap done a week earlier.
I saw my grandpa. We talked for a while and he said I could go back with him, or stay. I looked down and saw myself in that hospital bed with my brother holding my hand. He felt it turn cold and I never saw him cry that way before. Went back into my body and felt more pain than I knew in my life. Been a year of recovery and I lost most of my memory but I'm happy.
(Skull fracture/traumatic brain injury from heat exhaustion)
Edit: Here's a link with a pic of my brothers reaction when I woke up and when my mom played music for me trying to get me to wake up.
I was dead for 6 minutes. I was laying on the gurney and I was getting colder. Somewhere my body started warming up and everything became really calm and peaceful. I was not longer in pain. All the noise from ER just went away. It was really enjoyable. I was thinking about my daughter and I was remembering all the things we had done. Slowly it was just black and nothing. There was no knowledge of anything. I explain it as it was like before I was born.
Then the worst thing in the world is being revived. I starting hearing loud noises, I felt this massive pain. Then there was the nastiest stench ever. The smell was like every dead animal had crawled in my nose. The smell was so bad I started vomiting. I remember the Drs turning me on my side and watching my vomit spray on a nurse. Dying was the most pleasant thing I have ever experienced and being revived the worst.
I was 19 when I had my first hip replacement surgery (born with a bad hip). The doctor put me under and then all the sudden it was like I was opening my eyes but felt... Nothing.
No pain, no sadness. Nothing.
Apparently I flatlined for 90 seconds due to complications. As I had my eyes 'open' I began to rise out of my body and stand next to it. How freaky is it to see yourself from outside your body? The thing is I never let my left hand let go of my body's left hand.
It felt... Attached
The second I saw the nurse use the (heart starting thing?) I was jolted upright - back in my body.
Not really sure what happened and it still freaks me out to this day. May daughter was 4 and developed pneumonia. Her breathing would stop in her sleep so we took her in to the emergency room. She was there for a total of 5 days. For the first 3 days her health kept deteriorating. And on the 3rd day my girlfriend got a call that her mother had collapsed and was taken to the hospital.
She was without oxygen for 20 minutes and was declared brain dead. That night my daughter woke up and asked about grandma. No one had said anything to her or in the room with her. We asked her what did she mean. She told us that grandma came to her in a dream and said it's not your time yet. I'll go for you. Immediately the next day she was almost 100 percent better.
Anaphylaxis, wasn't breathing, I considered all the hallucinations I experienced likely due to hypoxic episode until I told my Mom what I saw. A middle aged man who wasn't in scrubs standing still at the end of my bed while all staff were running around and doing their business. I was having a non-verbal conversation with him and he was telling me to calm down, focus on breathing.
He wore a tropical style button down shirt, one of those old school news boys hats and had a very pleasant demeanor. Mom showed me a photo of my grampa that I never had seen before, and it was the guy at the foot of my bed, and he died before I was even born.
Edit: Didn't know this would comfort so many people, just remember not to worry too much about death and remember to enjoy your life while you have it.
Overdosed. Flatlined. Didn't see a damn thing. When they hit me with Narcan, I woke up really mad ripping IV's out of my arms, cursing out the poor, amazing staff who saved my life. Good times! 6 years ago now with all that behind me luckily.
Waking up just pissed as hell. I WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.
I told the medics to f*ck off im going back to sleep and heard the scariest "DO NOT F*CKING GO BACK TO SLEEP," like he meant it with every fiber of his being. So terrifying
I didn't get to go back to sleep...
Edit: so for the record, this was my first time use. I thought it was like cocaine and you do an entire line, (a matchstick head size is enough). I was extremely wrong. I wasn't a junkie, didn't experience withdrawals. I did throw up once I got to the hospital, but I did go back to the drug for a bit after because I felt like a part of me did actually die. The withdrawals I felt after that are wayyyy different.
I'm clean now though. Had a good year. The previous two were extremely tough though. Heroin was my escape to feeling stuck in a profession that wasn't for me, and couldn't find happiness anywhere because I had graduated and left all my friends at school, moved back home and was unable to live a life I wanted to.
A black void. Then waking up in ER surrounded by people running around like crazy. I was cold af , but in reality, just room temp.
Had to add and say that it was relatively peaceful. Like being wrapped in a big warm blanket.
I died twice after I got MRSA into my heart area after a major surgery. I don't remember much of anything when I was out (cliché as it was I saw a light) but damn that year sucked.
A friend of mine described death (she was technically dead twice) as being surrounded by darkness and floating with some sort of warm gel-like substance covering her. She never wanted to leave that state.
I don't know if this counts, as I don't think I flatlined, but I had a huge post-partum haemorrhage after my second (and last) child was born. I lost 2.3 litres of blood, which I think is about half of all my blood, and considered the highest classification of blood loss before death occurs. I was given general anaesthetic before I passed out on my own, but leading up to that was such a surreal experience.
As someone has previously mentioned, there is this sense of acceptance, of laying back and going with it. When I first started bleeding I was scared, and panicking. By the time I was being wheeled into theatre, I was smiling at the midwife and telling her it was going to be ok. I was delirious and euphoric and not scared at all. My vision started to go, at first it was coloured spots then everything had a grey hue, as tunnel vision set in. Sound became muffled, like putting my hands over my ears.
The whole time, the general feeling of indifference and no urge to fight it was there. It was so calm I don't think I've ever computed just how lucky I am to be here. So a near death experience by blood loss, can confirm, not bad.
The recovery though, I felt like crap for literal weeks and had PTSD. I was so physically weak that I could barely take care of the baby and had to inject myself with anti clotting meds for 6 weeks every day.
When I was 15 I was scheduled to do a tilt table test (they lean you up at an angle on a table) because I was consistently experiencing dizziness and fainting spells. After about 20 minutes the doctor tilted the table back and I could feel myself passing out. I got severe tunnel vision and lost like 95% of my eyesight, like looking through a straw and then I blacked out. I remember hearing the dr call the code and my father cussing at the dr that he "killed" me.
I remember hearing alot of slamming and banging around, which I assumed was the crash cart and nurses shoving into this small testing room. I felt a pressure on my chest, like when you have someone stand on your back to crack it, which I found out later was the nurses doing CPR.
I saw an array of vivid colors kind of dancing around forming objects in the dark. The scariest thing was how peaceful it felt, just pure 100% peace. No panic, no pain, no sadness, nothing just bliss. I coded for just under two minutes and as soon as I came too and opened my eyes, I felt seriously angry and hostile, I started ripping off whatever I could get my hands on and yelling at the dr to get me off the table.
Forgot to mention my heart stopped because I had an undiagnosed heart problem (Wolff Parkinson White) that caused my heart to more or less misfire.
Not necessarily"clinically dead" but I was pronounced dead two times in the same night after a car accident I was in when I was 16. My great grandma pulled me out of the car and we walked through this really peaceful field of flowers. When I woke up two weeks later she was sitting on the edge of my bed and told me to tell my mom that everything was going to be okay.
Whoah, my step dad accidentally overdosed from mixing pain meds/alcohol and he said he saw something very similar. A long hallway with several doors. Except he said he opened a few of them and they were beautiful landscapes, like meadows and mountains and lakes. He said he just kept opening the doors and it was very peaceful until he got yanked back to real life, even though he didn't want to leave the hallway.
This actually happened to me Monday. Tuesday morning actually. Was going thru a lot of money issues and thought I was going to lose everything. Hung myself in the closet. Fiance found me cut me down called 911. I was blue, dead in her arms and I pissed in my pants. Tongue is still swollen have no idea how that happened. The emt's brought me back. I was dead and they brought me back. I'm still at the hospital now and don't see me leaving anytime soon.
Anyway I saw nothing. Just darkness. No sounds. No white light . Nothing. Black. Next thing I know I woke up in an ambulance.
Suicide sucks guys don't even try it. People love you.
I don't share it much but I've had 4 heart surgeries, and in my first and third one I coded. You had to be conscious for these surgeries to get your heart to react appropriately.
The first time it was just nothingness. Black. Just nothing. I can't even explain how long it felt like nothingness. And then I remember waking up with them over me saying we lost you for a second there, are you okay?
The second time is the hard one to share. I woke up in a type of subway feeling thing but everything was white. The subway, the tunnel walls we were speeding through. I didn't have a body per say, it felt like I was the subway at times, and the. At times it was like i was just looking out a window at the tunnel wall.
It came to a stop and it was just black nothingness again. And then I heard a voice of a much older man.
He said "Are you ready to go?" And I just had nothing. Like I didn't know how to speak. "We're going now if you're ready..." And something inside me felt so ready to go. Like I was a magnet to it... this unknown destination in the black nothingness ahead.
I remember finally saying "o..ok". He said another time with a slightly different tone. "We'll be leaving here. You are ready to go?"
And finally something in me snapped, and I remembered I had a life, and people I'd leave behind. And my first thought was "I can't leave my girlfriend. I couldn't do that. And my Mom and Dad. My puppies. I can't leave any of them. My family, my friends.."
And I made a decision I couldn't leave. I didn't even have to say it. Once I decided I couldn't leave and I was for sure staying I woke up and came to consciousness with the medical team all around me.
Not me personally but my grandmother after giving birth to my uncle was clinically dead for a bit. She told me that she felt herself rising out of her body and she ended up in the top corner of the room with a view over her bed and the doctor. It was then that she willed herself back to her body and was alive again.
Edit: After looking through this thread, it seems as though this has happened to a lot of people. I always just thought she was a bit crazy, as this was the story she told me for her justification for believing that there is a God/afterlife, but I guess there is truth in her story.
Overdosed on caffeine (have a weak heartbeat). Before it actually happened, I was hallucinating/dreaming and couldn't see clearly. All my fear faded away in an instant. Then it all just went black, and it felt like I was asleep but I didn't remember when I actually fell down and blacked out. Woke up when my heart restarted wanting to stay in that sleepy state.
When I was a really young kid, I had a serious case of epiglottitis, which left me clinically dead for a moment. It felt like a dream where I was in the sky, kinda like an angel/cupid looking down at myself in the hospital, with doctors and nurses surrounding me, my mother crying. I didn't seem to care very much, but I remember thinking that I want to go back.
I was very young (maybe 3), but I still remember this quite vividly, it seemed like an out-of-body experience. For sure this was influenced by the fact that my parents are catholic and I enjoyed looking at cupids in paintings, because they looked a bit like me when I was young. That's at least what I tell myself.
My dad clinically died for over a minute as a result of an iodine drip during a procedure, despite a documented severe iodine allergy. He described it as an out of body experience in which there was complete silence and he was the spectator in the upper corner of the room, watching the staff scramble to revive him. He said he had no concept of time or of the panic below, he just observed in total peace. He saw one nurse (finally) notice his bracelet and alert everyone of what the issue was. They cut the drip and continued their efforts to revive him.
During this time, even though he was watching the end of his life, he felt an extreme peace, and was pain free for the first time in years. He was aware that he was dying, and he was ready and content. Everything got bright and he started to float upwards, until he saw a man that he didn't recognize who told him it wasn't his time yet.
All at once, he was jolted back into his body and came to. Once stable, he described what he witnessed and even thanked the particular nurse that noticed his allergy alert bracelet. They were all baffled that he knew such detail.
I can only hope that when he did pass away four years ago, it was an even more peaceful experience than this. It gives me peace knowing death was something that he had faced already, so he wasn't scared of it when it came again.
I was hit by a car while riding a bicycle without a helmet when I was 17. I suffered a traumatic brain injury including a brain bleed which led to a condition called status epilepticus. Not dead, but close. My heart worked, but I was without oxygen for a long time. I woke up in the hospital nearly two weeks later in severe pain - I had one hell of a headache.
I had a weird recollection of a dream-like state where I dreamed in 8 bit - kinda like Mario? Except it was a field of flowers and a bunny rabbit. It was quiet. I felt nothing. I was riding my bike one minute...and completely gone the next. It was a traumatic event I still have issues with nearly 15 years later.
I nearly drowned in the ocean as a kid. A lifeguard on his very first day of training saw me thrashing from 1/4 mile away and was able to get to me after I had filled my lungs with saltwater and sank. I do remember him gripping my arm before completely blacking out (drowning, btw, is a very comfy way to go, after the struggle and convulsive intake of water, there is a warm serenity...).
With my heart and lungs stopped, I was pronounced "dead" on the beach by trained lifeguards but they kept up the CPR until the paramedics came and shocked me back to "life".
To this day I remember everything, both physically and mentally about the incident vividly - way way clearer than any other childhood memory. But the period I was pronounced to be "dead" was a black hole of non-conscious nothingness.
*So this is kind of interesting: the scariest thing during the whole incident was after I was shocked back to "life" and was too weak to move, I could feel the paramedic undoing the drawstring of my shorts - "OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO SHOW EVERYONE MY PEEPEE!!!" my feeble brain registered, before I once again blacked out.
Coded after attempting suicide with Ativan (which is stupid.) My son had passed away three years before, and I remember going to a place without time and watching him grow up without the neonatal Marfan syndrome and hydrocephalus that killed him. I should point out that I lost consciousness before code was called, so I don't remember rising out of my body. I do remember slamming back into it after being shocked, though. That was no fun.
My life changed completely afterwards. I left my wife, who wasn't helping me in my own struggles with Marfan syndrome, got the guts to come out as trans and found a great woman who supports me and is totally in love with me. I don't worry about anything but love and taking care of the people around me-life is too short for anything else. A visit with my son sorted it all out.
I experienced watching my son grow from two to adulthood. I had full memories of milestones and everything in between. Not to mention a sense of peace I had been missing since his death. Most of all I felt that I was accepted for who I am. It's hard to explain losing consciousness wanting to die and waking up having a reason to live.
When I was 9 I used to have fainting spells. One time I fell down the stairs and lost consciousness. My mom said I went as stiff as a board. I remember, as if floating near the ceiling, watching my mom run to the phone and calling 911. I could see my dad start to do CPR on me. Then I looked behind me and saw a bright light and heard a voice say "it's not your time".
Then I went back into my body as I heard my dad yell "come on, damn it!" I was really scared when I came to, and it took me a while, like years, to figure out what I had experienced. I can't explain what happened. I felt calm though while I was out. I don't know if I was really dead or just unconscious and my mind made it all up. The other story I have I know was real.
I remember medics banging on my chest telling me not to give up, I remember hearing everything everyone was saying. I even remember thinking dude stop hitting my chest. I remember being put in the ambulance and being in the emergency room.
When I told my mom later that I heard all of them and remember everything, she told me there was no way I could have because I was completely unresponsive when they found me..it definitely had a profound effect on me. It's made me actually more afraid of death because I personally believe your brain lives long after after your body stops. Which is extremely terrifying.
I've died twice this year. It was much like time travel. One minute I was, then I wasn't, then I was again. No sense of time really, I could have been dead for 1 second or 1 century. There was a sense of confusion and time slowing down as I died, then just nothing.
Christmas is upon us. It's time to get those Christmas present lists together.
So... who has been naughty and who has been nice?
Who is getting diamonds and who is getting coal? Yuck, coal. Is that even a thing anymore? Who even started that idea?
There has to be some funnier or more "for the times" type of "you've been naughty" stocking stuffer.
I feel like the statement coal used to make is kind of last century at this point.
Apparently I'm not alone in this thinking.
Case in point...
Redditor rallfreedom wanted us to update Santa's deliveries for the children on the naughty list, they asked:
"Since Santa is old, and coal was considered worthless back in the day, what new worthless item could Santa give to naughty children in 2021?"
If you really wanted to set me off on Christmas morning, then you should leave me something personalized. Something you how I'd hate. Like a cassette tape of 80's Christian soft rock. That would make a statement of just how naughty I've been.
What a DifferenceBlockbuster GIF by Big Potato GamesGiphy
"Blockbuster gift cards." ~ GamerOfGods33
"And still no one will shop at the one franchise location still open." ~ pesto_trap_god
"AOL Internet discs... (actually getting rare these days)." ~ whorton59
"After collecting enough of those AOL discs, I just open a bottle of Tennessee whiskey and make AOL disc fish wall art." ~ ExRockstar
"I wish I still had the picture, but my friend passed onto me a photo of a chair (more like a throne, if I recall) made entirely of AOL discs." ~ PM_MeYourSmilingFace
"Outdated phone chargers." ~ TheBrotherhoods
"A correct phone charger for the device, but it only works in one very specific angle and charges the phone super slow." ~ Karl_the_stingray
"People rave about how good old Nokias were but they forget that if you went up a version like you got upgraded to a 3310 from a 3210 then all your chargers were now something like 0.25mm too small and you had to buy all new ones." ~ erroneousbosh
"We currently misinterpreted what 'naughty kids get coal' originally meant. For a poor family in December, coal was the difference between warmth and freezing, hot food and not. 'Coal' was not something mean. It was like socks, now." ~ adaza
"Exactly. If the child was selfless, they would get a personal gift as a reward. If the child was selfish, they instead would get a gift to be shared with the family, forcing them to be more altruistic." ~ MoobyTheGoldenSock
Necessities...toilet paper help GIFGiphy
"Toilet paper. Just like coal, it's something the whole house needs and will use but is going to be bought anyway. It's also consumable and practical just like coal." ~ NeverGetaSpaceship
I could still use toilet paper. You never know when society is gonna go off into the deep end again and buy it all up. Remember the beginning of Covid?
Spinfidget GIF by Future GenerationsGiphy
"Idk why but I feel like fidget spinners would be pretty infuriating to the masses of children as something that still counts as a gift but is for sure a let down & past trend." ~ mmaster42
Way back when...
"An "Introduction to Windows 95" book." ~ Actual_grass
"There's one of those package shipping stores near me that sells all kinds of miscellaneous stuff. Anything to make a buck. They have a carousel stand with laminated sheets containing tips on how to use various computer programs. Still for sale as of last week: 'Shortcut keys for Windows XP' and 'Tips for using Microsoft Word 2010.'" ~ dartdoug
"He could give kids one of the old cables that was collected over the years but wasn't thrown away because it could need it at some point." ~ CaptWeirdBeard
"I have a tupperware tote full of those things. I'll sell it to Santa for scap value of the copper. You hear that Santa? $5 and it's all yours." ~ GreatJanitor
"A rotary phone." ~ cannotbefaded
"My Grandma had a rotary phone she kept(still worked so why not) as well as having a cordless phone. Had a relative that wanted to use the rotary phone the one time just to use it instead, decided they didn't want to do that again." ~ golden_fli
"Okay, I actually like rotary phones. I was young enough to remember using rotary phones and preferred using them to touch tone phones. Only because it was fun to spin the dial and watch it spin back into place." ~ GreatJanitor
So close...ronald mcdonald mcdonalds GIFGiphy
"McDonald's toys from 2 years ago. Old enough to not be popular trends, but new enough to not be collector's items." ~ GavinSnowe
McDonald's still has toys? Who knew? And those fidget spinners, how did anyone ever enjoy those? That would set me off as well.
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I admit, I love my stuffed animals. They're the best.
Some of them have been with me for years and I have them proudly displayed in different spots around my apartment. And when I've packed them for a move, I've done so with all the tender loving care I can muster.
What is it about them that stirs up these feelings?
Believe it or not, it's quite possible to form emotional attachments to inanimate objects!
People told us all about their own feelings after Redditor MoneySquare5734 asked the online community:
"People of Reddit, what weird sympathies do you have towards inanimate objects?"
"Computers when someone's throwing a fit or tantrum over something like a game lag, buffering or general software issues. Like dude, get angry at the real cause not the hardware thats essentially just the messenger."
We really mistreat our hardware sometimes, don't we? Going to apologize to my computer now.
"I think we're okay now..."
"I once slapped my iPad when it was being slow, then instinctively hugged it and apologised afterwards. I think we’re okay now but the level of trust definitely isn’t what it used to be."
Serves you right! You have a lot to make up for!
"I have way too much emotion..."
"I have way too much emotion invested in my Roomba. Especially as I only have one charging station, so when it's running in my living room/hallway, it can never get back to base as there's a step in the way."
"Usually feel guilty when I come home and find it stuck in some corner, knowing that it literally ran until exhaustion trying to find its home."
I do not have a Roomba but my friend has one and I think he has the opposite reaction. I think he mistreats his!
"All my dollar bills..."
"All my dollar bills need to face up in my wallet, otherwise I get the feeling those Georges and Lincolns are uncomfortable."
I think I do this too. I did not ask to be attacked like this.
"If I see..."
"If I see a really ugly plush toy at a thrift store, I feel compelled to buy it because I feel like it will just get thrown away. So now I have quite a few ugly plushies. I love them."
Aww, they now have a home with you and they must be so happy!
"I guess in general..."
"Abandoned toys. I guess in general I just feel so bad for any inanimate object that is no longer serving its purpose."
How many toys end up in the dump each year, I wonder? And how many of them are plotting their revenge as we speak?
"So I transferred everything..."
"I got a new cellphone not too long ago. So I transfered everything to my new phone but I didn't turn off the old phone afterward."
"This happened late on a Sunday and the next morning my old phone still rang to wake me up and I was somewhat sad that it still thought it was my current phone and that it still had the duty to wake me in the morning."
The feelings this stirred up... I did not know it was possible to feel this way!
"I am very appreciative..."
"Sometimes I give my car a pat on the dashboard and say thank you. It has carried me so many thousands of miles and i am safe. I am very appreciative of its hard work."
Aww. I don't have a car, but I get this! And your car appreciates YOU!
"When I was a kid..."
"When I was a kid I spent a whole afternoon feeding pebbles to a small drain outside my house because I thought it was hungry."
Okay, this is cute – and totally something a little kid would do!
"There's a thing I call..."
"There’s a thing I call 'mechanical empathy.' If you emotionally attach to your bike or car you’ll be kinder and more gentle to it."
"Some people are really rough on cars and other machinery, it’s painful to drive with them."
I was in a car recently with a driver who got a bad case of road rage and just slammed her hands on the dashboard whenever she was upset. That poor car!
Who knew we could feel so attached to the inanimate objects around us? Humans are fascinating creatures. We're capable of a lot of love and empathy, even for the smallest things.
Have some opinions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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They say your 30's hits different, like one day you're young a hopeful and the next day you're just WAY too old for this.
What is the "this" you're suddenly too old for?
No idea. It's different for everyone, but make no mistake, it'll happen to you too.
Maybe it already has?
Reddit user BMA1500 asked:
"What sh*t are you too old for?"
Let's take a look at how "too old" hit these Reddit users.
"Arguing with ignorant people on the internet."
"I have no patience or bandwidth to argue with random a-holes on social. Learned that lesson a long time ago."
"Too many fakes and bots now anyway. I am pretty much a 'read only' user of other platforms and only share opinions in person on polarizing issues."
"Petty games while talking to a potential partner."
"Just be straight up and real with me. Tricks are for kids."
"I've always felt this way."
"I remember when one of my girls explained the concept of 'playing hard to get' to me and I was annoyed just hearing it."
"If I have to chase you, that means you’re running away, and I don’t have time for that. If you seem uninterested, I’ll take it on the chin and leave you alone."
"If you like me just say that. If you don’t like me just say that. It’s not hard and moves the process along much faster."
"If you text me and I’m free, I’m going to text back. I’m not going to wait three hours for aesthetic purposes."
"The list goes on."
Cut That Out
"This sounds like some Instagram motivational sh*t, but spending time around people that I genuinely don't like or who make me unhappy and uncomfortable."
"There's so short of a time we have on this Earth and it just hit me right before I turned 30 that I spent a ton of that time with people who I thought sucked."
"I cut that out and I'm much happier."
"I realized this at my cousins wedding. I had a family member walk up to me flat out call me ugly, fat and say that I wasn’t the “good” family guy anymore."
"What!?!? Why would you even say that?? And they said it with a smile on their face the whole time..."
"After that night I haven’t spoken to them in 2 years and I’m super happy! I’m too f*cking old to be dealing with that nonsense for the rest of my life."
"It takes days to recover now, and most bad hangovers come with an existential crisis attached."
"When I was young I remember times I'd have a day off from work and be like 'Hell yeah, I'm gonna get trashed and play video games all night it's gonna be great!' "
"Now it's like "Great, I'm 3 drinks in and I'm just tired & have heart burn.' "
"It's not the same."
"I used to work 12-9pm, party the entire night. And then be back to work like a pro."
"If this was a Friday, partying used to resume Saturday afternoon. That was my early 20s."
"In my 30s now, and I wait for Fridays so that I can be dead on my bed the entire Saturday."
"The existential crisis is the worst. Just lying there wondering what the hell you are doing with your life, what came to this and when you are going to grow out of it."
"Then it passes and life goes on."
"General admission tickets. My old ass requires a reserved seat."
"Hahaha… last gen admission show I went to I had to find a 'comfortable' wall to lean on."
"When it comes to music festivals, the wife and I go for VIP just so we can get fancier washrooms and shorter lines at the food trucks."
"I agree but, man, it makes feel like I’m a spectator at at a concert and not part of the real party down on the floor."
"There comes an age when you have to consider... 'Do I really care what kind of clickbait sh*t my high school friends who I never talk to and never will see, likes?' "
"I only had Facebook because it helped with socializing in college/high school, but afterwards it's really hard to want to add new friends because they can see your history, and you can too."
"Honestly, the only reason why I have a Facebook is because I still have my mom as my friend and she passed 4 years ago."
"Every time I go on there, I'm tired now."
"I deleted Facebook three years ago."
"Found out all my Marine Corps buddies were either total idiots, painfully stereotypical post-9/11 veterans, ill-informed political junkies, and mostly people I haven't had anything to do with in years."
"Moving or helping other people move. Just no."
"I've moved a lot of times and have helped many people move."
"One of the best decisions I've ever made was hiring movers. 300 bucks for the big stuff is money extremely well spent."
"I've broken my body helping people move because I'm the 'young and strong guy' in the friend group. Way too many times now. F*ck that sh*t, hire movers."
"I can agree with this."
"I used to work as a mover for a couple summers and I don't even want to move myself lmao."
Not The Cool Old Guy
"I told myself when I get older I need to be open minded and not the close minded grumpy old man..."
"Then I see all these obviously staged videos and corny dancing/lip syncing stuff and realize it’s inevitable I am not gonna be the cool old guy."
"I have this exact same process with TikTok."
"I think to myself, 'I’m really the bitter old woman I said I would never be, aren’t I?' Lol"
"I’ve downloaded TikTok at least 3 times and deleted it almost immediately."
"I am drawing a line at TikTok. I’m old."
Since We're Talking About TikTok...
"When Macy's Thanksgiving Parade performers are introduced as "TikTok sensation" without any other credentials worth mentioning."
"I think the only performer I knew yesterday was Kelly Rowland because of Destiny’s Child."
"My google search history is full of my confusion."
"Oh man I’m so glad we missed the parade then. Maybe I’m just too old but that would’ve been cringe."
Why Are We Screaming?
"People (mainly young girls) who scream for no reason."
"I understand if you're terrified of something, but screaming when you meet up with your friends or just when the situation does not call for it makes me SO mad. I find it so infuriating."
"Just shut up. Lol."
"My kids learned a very long time ago not to scream like that. I hate excessive loud noise in any environment, but it’s especially nerve wracking in close quarters."
"My Mother-in-Law will have a dinner every so often for the family to get together. My husbands brother’s kids are so freaking annoying like this."
"We’re having pizza? Scream."
"We’re baking cookies? Scream."
"Someone found you in hide and seek? Scream."
"I’ve been too old for that since I was 6. Shit was ALWAYS annoying."
Real talk, apparently I'm *very* old going by the stuff on this list.
I'm gonna need to go sit with that for a bit... let me go turn on the seat warmer so my bones aren't stiff when I stand up later.
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Do all mothers go to the say mom school or something? Because they seem to share the same advice or go on the same platitudes, don't they?
Here's an idea.
Maybe they're just older, have more experience, and are trying to keep us from being dumbasses in public. At least, that's what I think.
I'm definitely grateful for my mother's advice—it's saved me more than once—and it seems many out there are too. And they all seem to have heard the same things from their mothers, too.
Any of these sound familiar? They probably do, and we heard all about them after Redditor lame_excuses asked the online community,
"What are some things all moms say?"
"I'll go first..."
"I'll go first: 'So if your friend jumped off a cliff would you jump off too?"
Okay, my mother did not say this, but all my friends' mothers did.
"We have fun."
"My mom always made me put on a coat when we went outside, even if I wasn't cold, simply because she was cold."
"Now that I'm an adult, she no longer tells me this but instead I complain about being cold and ask, indignantly, why no one told me to put in a coat."
"We have fun."
I want a documentary crew to follow you both around. It'd be hilarious.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
"When you lose something."
- Have you tried looking for it?
- Have you looked everywhere?
- Well, it didn't just get up and walk away.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
George Carlin knew what he was talking about. RIP.
"You know Glynis? She's your aunt's mother-in-law's close friend. Anyway, she died last week."
"I have eyes..."
"I have eyes in the back of my head."
"My mom used to say that to my sister and I so we wouldn't be sneaky behind her back. One day she was washing the dishes and I came up behind her with my two fingers and poked her right where I assumed her back eyes would be. She shouted, 'Ouch!' I believed her for years!!"
I was convinced of this too! Damn, my mother was good.
"I had some friends over..."
"I had some friends over when I was a teenager, and I bet them I could get my mom to say the word 'food.'"
"Hey, mom, what's for dinner?"
"Worked every time."
You both clearly planned this!
"When at the billing counter..."
"When at the billing counter every mom has the maternal instinct to say - 'Just stay in the line, I need to go grab a few more things.'"
This is my mother.
How many times have I dealt with this?!
“It’s because you didn’t drink enough water."
BUT I DO!!
"If you have siblings..."
"If you have other siblings and they’re trying to yell at you they will call you by all your other siblings' names before they get to yours. Usually starting with the oldest and working their way backwards."
Good thing my family was small!
"My Mum used to use it all the time..."
"'Soon.'" An indeterminate time frame from 5 minutes to several hours. My Mum used to use it all the time to deflect stupid questions like 'When is dinner?'"
"Answer: she always, always served it around 6 pm."
It's true! My mother would do this – and still does this. And we definitely don't eat as early as that!
Confirmed: All mothers meet for the annual mother convention to say all–and I do mean ALL–of these things to their kids.
Anything missing, though? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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