Life is not guaranteed. Every second is fleeting and could be your last! Feel better about the state of the world? I do.
I'm not here to coddle you, I'm here for truth kids. Danger abounds like mosquitoes in summer. But... there is hope.
We can survive. Everyday we all face insurmountable, life threatening situations, just by crossing the street, or going to Starbucks. And in some instances we survive actual near tragedy.
Who hasn't heard the tales of people walking away from the jaws of life with barely a scratch scratch? It can happen, but often it's rare. So let's discuss them.
Redditor u/CrownedBird wanted to hear about some major miracles by asking:
What moment made you say "Yep, I'm definitely dead", but survived with no major injuries?
When I was in college my friends and I were constantly out galavanting, and of course, liquor was involved. One night on the way home from the most fabulous club I thought it was a great idea I drive because... wait for it... "I was the least drunk!" Perfect reasoning right?
Without a Scratch...
thank god singing GIF by WE tv
Giphy
"I survived a car crash that wrecked my car."
"Rolled twice, landed upside down, learned the hard way that I didn't have airbags (or at least they didn't deploy). Did have my seatbelt on though, that probably saved me. Paramedic said he hadn't seen a wreckage like that and have it end well. Not even a hairline fracture."
200 Stitches
"Not me, but my mom before I was born. She was riding in a convertible with a friend of hers. They came to an intersection and the friend wasn't paying attention and lost control of the vehicle. There was a big rig going through the intersection and they went right under the trailer. My mom ducked, the driver didn't not."
"Driver was decapitated, my mom was lucky and only ended up with a scalp full of glass and some serious psychological trauma. She had to get over 200 stitches in her scalp But nothing else significant. I think about it all the time and think how close I came to never being born at all."
- Laszerus
"dude let's climb it!"
"I had an idiot friend and we were hiking. We got to this waterfall and he goes "dude let's climb it!" I said no freaking way. He says "well I'm gonna do it and if I fall and die it's on you for not coming." So I climbed it with him. Got stuck halfway up on a slick a** rock. Pinched a nerve in my shoulder, so my right arm was useless. I thought I was certain to slip off the rock to my doom, but we managed to get me unstuck. That was the beginning of the end for that friendship."
Point Break
"I went out for a surf on a stormy day and thought to myself, "no one else is out, those idiots." Before being held down by 2 waves after eating it on the first wave of the set. First wave of the session. Was thrown down and held under and while being tossed around my leg rope wrapped around both my legs and one of my arms so I was probably being held at around 5ft under with only one arm free while my board tombstoned (board tip is barely visible at the surface but floats vertical like...a tombstone)."
"Finally managed to catch a breath between sets before taking another 3 or 4 on the head and for sure just thought... well this is it. No ones out, fishermen will find my body or my board. Managed to get my other arm free and got to shore very quickly and then avoided the ocean for a few days even though the waves were absolutely perfect. There's a reason no one was out, everyone else was 10 minutes down the road at another beach where the waves were smaller and cleaner."
Both Sides Now
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"Tire popped going over a two lane road with steep drops on both sides."
"My car jerked to the side hard, and my car went sideways. Half my car hung over the side and luckily it's low so it bottomed out. I climbed into the back seat and jumped out the back door. Some dude in a truck pulled me out and I drove on a flat to the other side and swapped my tire out."
That all sounds about right...
And so when my besties and I were driving along the road we got lost in conversation, about boys. Like you do when you're blitzed and should be paying attention to the road, like many others...
Jump!
jim carrey falling GIF
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"Parachute deployed but failed to open. That was one of those moments, then training kicked in. Cut away failed chute, deploy secondary. But for a brief moment life was about to be over in my mind."
Games
"When I was a kid I was playing hide and seek with my siblings and I got the brilliant idea to hide in the trunk of the car. I meant to leave the trunk barely open so that it didn't latch but accidentally closed it too far and it latched. Mind you this was before they put handles in cars to open trunks from the inside so I was legitimately stuck."
"It was almost completely dark so I started seriously freaking out and I thought I was going to die, so I started yelling for help as loud as I could and was kicking at the back seat thinking maybe I could break the latch that keeps the seat from folding."
"I was probably only in there for about 5 minutes before someone heard me and let me out but it felt like an eternity. To this day I firmly believe it was because of this incident that I developed some minor claustrophobia. I still have serious fears about being in small, cramped and dark areas."
A Terrible Choice
"I was driving down a highway, doing 65 MPH, and suddenly my car started to shake. I tapped the brakes in reflex and my entire car flipped 180 degrees. I'm now facing oncoming traffic, including a semi truck. I was so close I couldn't see the driver compartment."
"I screamed and jerked the wheel, bringing me in front of a sedan with two people screaming as they watched me appear out of nowhere. I kept screaming and floored the gas pedal. Made it to the side of the road and cried for a long time. I had blown a rear tire. Hitting the brakes was a terrible terrible choice."
At least 90...
"I was driving home from college on one of those highways with only one lane in either direction and no shoulder. A guy in the oncoming lane didn't see me as I was in a small car. He thought he could pass 4 18 wheelers in one go and pulled into my lane going at least 90. There was no where for me to go. He flew off into the ditch to avoid hitting me head on, likely did severe damage to his car, but I lived!"
On the Gauley
Rafting Raft GIF by Kern River Outfitters
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"Went white water rafting on the Gauley river and my raft flipped on pillow rock (one of the most famous class v rapids). Scariest moment of my life but, other than unexpectedly swallowing some water and almost vomiting, I came out completely unharmed."
See... everybody needs to pay attention more. That's the lesson.
Just like my friends and I. When we were not paying attention, and in all of our drunken glory, we hit the medium and flew across lanes. We plowed into a fence and did two... TWO 360 turns. We thought we were dead! We literally flew! But we all lived. And what I remember most is my friend Kate screaming... "TELL MY MOTHER I LOVED HER!!"
Be better people!
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I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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