"Lowkey"

If I were a parent I wouldn't teach my kid to speak until they were a teenager. That is an appropriate amount of time for them to learn what is appropriate when engaging in public dialogue. I get frustrated when my dog barks out of line at the dog park or in the yard past sundown so I can't imagine my reaction of a toddler shaming strangers with sass, that they probably lowkey picked up from me.

I'm 5

I was bagging a lady's groceries and her kid asked me, "why are you so fat?"

My brilliant comeback was, "why are you so short?" To which he replied, "I'm not short, I'm 5."

amberdowny

No Donuts for you! 

When my son was six, walking through LAX and he's complaining that I wouldn't get him donuts (running late for our flight).

I'm holding his hand and walking along and all of a sudden he stops and starts screaming... "STOP IT I DON'T KNOW YOU! SOMEBODY HELP ME I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN!"

I'm snarling at him under my breath "dude you gotta stop that right now you can't say that crap, that's not funny". But oh no he keeps it up until the cops show up...

Missed flight... everyone staring like I was some piece of crap trying to kidnap an innocent kid.

Did not get him donuts.

PaleontologistINtree

Lions Oh My

I don't remember this story but my mom tells it all the time. When I was five my mom took me into the stall in the women's rest room because she had to go. She had been in there awhile and the bathroom had been crowded so she asked me, "can you take a look and see if there is a big line out there?"

I excitedly screamed, "A LION?!?" And flung the stall door open.

There was a big line.

MindfulMuser

Big Terry

When I was a kid, I was fascinated by how grown ups went to the bathroom, to the extent that I would demand to accompany any adult so that I might observe their technique.

One day, at my "uncle" Terry's house (so named because he was close friends with my dad, not an actual blood relative), I watched him pee, then ran back into the living room with my parents and proclaimed "Dad! Uncle Terry has a much bigger pee-pee than you do!"

peanutsbeta

The Stench

I'm a preschool teacher, we were on the outside playground and it was a hot day. A kid fell off the swing-set so I rush over to check on him. He's full on sobbing, leans against my body then pulls away suddenly yelling "Eew! I don't like the smell of you!"

I couldn't even laugh it off.

Beign_yay

"HaHa"

Now that is a lot of funny, for the single and childless bunch. I can give credit where credit is due, every now and again kids do say the darndest things and they do often espouse some knowledge. But a majority of the time they turn adults ten shades of red. But observation is observation. You just have to stress about utilizing the inside voice. Here are some more examples of championing the "hush."

Ahoy....

My little sister is ten years younger than me. When we were maybe 5 and 15 or so respectively, we were walking through a restaurant parking lot when a big group of bikers exited to their bikes. These guys had the leather get-up, the bandanas on their heads, chains, the works. My sister pointed to them and exclaimed "LOOK, PIRATES!"

They didn't think it was funny.

breadmeupscotty

Keep Smiling

My child was 3 while we were waiting in a doctor's office. An exquisitely dressed elderly woman was sitting next to us and started talking to my son. Kid is fascinated by all the sparkly jewels and such, and says, "I love your shiny necklace, and you're pretty earrings...and your yellow teeth."

EhlersDanlosSucks

The Queen

My wife was out with my 2yo daughter who pointed at a lady wearing a traditional Indian dress and stated "piss-ed." The lady probably heard "piss-head", but what daughter was trying to pronounce was "princess."

finiteresource

The Webs...

I had some people over and my 4 year old nephew starts shouting "is anyone here afraid of spiders?" Once he had everyone's attention, he told us all that if anyone was afraid of spiders they needed to leave because he found cobwebs, and cobwebs mean spiders. He then proceeded to point out every single cobweb in the house to our guests.

copycatcactus

Full of It

My little brother likes to tell people that my tummy may look like it's full of fat. But it's actually full of love. It's both sweet and awkward.

Awkward_Aspy

So Emotional Baby...

I had to take my four year old to the doctor and while we were in the waiting room a nearby toddler started crying VERY loudly, like scream crying for whatever reason. My son waits until the other kid stops, does a very dramatic lowering and shake of his head then YELLS "He has problems with emotions huh mom?!?!" Which is him trying to talk the way I talk to him when he's coping with big emotions but good god the way it came out and the volume was... mortifying.

dissociativetwit

Don't Say THAT! 

When my sister was 9 she shouted "white power" while waiting in line at Dorney park. We are Hispanic.

MagalyHoldman

My brother yelled this out at a black owned bbq restaurant. The Clayton Biggsby Dave Chapelle skit had just been released and we were laughing about it at home. My bro thought it would be funny to quote in public not knowing at all why it was funny.

tw1zt3r

Wow. Really?

Made myself lunch yesterday, two sandwiches because one wouldn't cut it. My eight year old asked me if I was a bear eating to get ready for hibernation. Sick burn.

itchQueenofLich

It Wasn't Me

When I was 8 years old, I had a girl in my class with down syndrome. I always made it a point to be friendly with her and include her in things, and I even went over her house a few times. Halfway through the year, she would make up these bizarre scenarios and stories, and would drag me into them for some reason.

The teacher would constantly call me out in the hall, and have these "meetings" with me about things I wasn't even involved in or knew anything about. I was a painfully shy 8 year old, who didn't have a ton of friends, and hated all this unwanted attention.

So I started to distance myself from the girl after that. She told her mom that I was leaving her out things because she was different. The mom told the school. The school called my mom and told them I was bullying her.

But no one believed me, when I told them she was making things up. I was 8 years old at the time.

I'm 29 now. My mom constantly brings it up to random people and family members how I used to "bully" a girl with down syndrome. But when I try to explain my side of the story, no one ever believes me. And also, I was 8. It was 21 years ago. Give it a rest.

CaliforniaStoked

No Poo Please

At a cafe with my eldest daughter, who was 4 at the time, the waitress comes over to our table and asks my daughter if she would like a drink or some food. My daughter looks up at her and says "The parts of my drink that my body doesn't want come out as wee. The parts of my food that my body doesn't want come out as poo."

makesomemonsters

That's Big! 

This was about a year ago, right before things started closing due to covid. I forget exactly where I was, but I needed to pee so my son and I went to the bathroom. We went into the handicap stall so there would be room. We'd been teaching him body parts at home, and right as I start to pee he yells out, "Daddy your penis is way big! Mine's little but yours is so big. Daddy! Daddy! Your penis is big!"

I was all like "sshhhhh, yes it's bigger than yours because my body is bigger than yours." When we came out of the stall, everyone was averting their eyes. I don't think they were embarrassed or anything, I think they were just trying to pretend like they didn't hear anything for my sake.

waterboysh

That Damn 15! 

Upon seeing my younger cousin for the first time since I left for college, she shouted, "Oh my god! Are you having a baby?!" in front of my entire family. I wasn't pregnant. I gained that freshman 15. Instantly stopped drinking as much and started going to our campus gym every weekend when I returned to school.

samanthaohm

Not Now! 

I was on a plane trip with my three year old. He used the tiny restroom then I did. There was a line. I thought I'd secured the door but hadn't. He slings the door open to tell me something he was excited about. There I sat in open humiliation for all the line to see. I had to convince him to let me shut the damn door!

Pentacostal-Haircut

"Ned"

Not me, but I once lived with two friends of mine when we were about 27. One friend had an 11 year old brother, and he was staying with us for the week while his folks were out of town. Not being used to hanging out with little poophead 11 year old boys, my one buddy "Ned" would joke around with the kid whenever he asked a question, and he asked a LOT of questions. One day the kid asked Ned what he did for a living. Ned, trying to be funny, told him he was a doctor (he was not). The kid calls his bluff and asks what kind of doctor he was. Ned jokingly says, I'm a butthole doctor, a response that naturally got an incredulous reaction out of the kid.

Flash forward to a few days later and we are all out having lunch together. Ned runs into a girl he met on tinder, and introduces her to all of us, the kid included. When she meets the kid, she asks him jokingly "Oh! So what do you think of Ned?" To which the kid responds "He's a weird guy. He told me he's a butthole doctor." I don't really know if he ever saw that gal again.

ratjasper

Sweet Kisses...

My 3 year old son was with me in Macy's at a jewelry counter. I asked the clerk a question.

My son asked why does she have such a huge mark on her cheek? The color draining out of my face, I quickly recovered and said, "That's where God kissed her." The woman said, "Congratulations. That's the best one I've heard so far."

calypsodweller

"Inside Voice"

Kids are cute. They are also a whole world of trouble. I think that when it comes to the words that fall out of our mouths, we all can be kids. Who hasn't spoken out of turn and not realized until it was too late? See, behavior does carry over. Inside voice people. Learn that lesson early.