People Share Their Absolute Favorite Go-To Jokes

De-Nooooooo

"I named my legless dog cigarette since I have to take him out for a drag."

"A woman woke up from a coma to find out she had birthed her twins while unconscious. The nurse assured her the babies were fine and that her brother was taking good care of them."

"The nurse further explained the brother had taken the liberty of naming them. The new mother asked for the names and the nurse said 'Well, your baby girl is Denise.'"

"And the mother said 'That's not terrible, what about my boy?'"

"'Denephew.'"-Simple2244

The Sheepdog Talks!

"A farmer looks up and sees his prized sheepdog running toward him."

"The sheepdog is panting, and says, 'Boss, I did it. It took me all morning, but I finally got all 100 sheep in the barn.'"

"The farmer says, 'That's great, but we only have 97 sheep.'"

"The sheepdog says, 'Yeah, I know. I rounded them up." -Chiliad9

Clergy Joke Alert

"A catholic priest, a baptist preacher, and a rabbi are drinking at a bar. After a few rounds, they agree that converting people is easy; a real challenge of faith would be converting a bear."

"So they agree to each go out into the woods, find a bear, try to convert it, and report back with their results the next week."

"The next week all three are back at the bar. The priest tells his story first, his face and arms covered in scratches. 'Well, I went out into the woods, found me a bear, and started reading to him from the Good Book.'"

"'Apparently he didn't take kindly to that, and started batting me around. But with a few sprinkles of holy water he was as gentle as the Lamb.'"

"The preacher goes next, his arm in a cast. 'Where I come from, we don't believe a little sprinkle is enough to cleanse the soul.'"

"'When my bear turned on me, I wrestled him down the hill to the river below, and baptized him. And lo and behold, he was as gentle as could be.'"

"The rabbi chuckles to himself as he sits there in a wheelchair and full body cast. 'I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'"-protonevoker

Doesn't it always feel great to have some new jokes to add to your arsenal?

Fifty Dollars?!

"A man is drinking at a bar and sees a jar of $50 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar is for and the bartender says 'You have to put $50 in to find out.'"

"So the man says, 'no way I'm doing that!' And keeps on drinking. After a bit he gets curious and puts money in, the bartender tells him:"

"'You have to do 3 things. 1. You have to drink this bottle of whisky in under 12 seconds without making a face. 2. There's a mean old bulldog outback that needs a tooth pulled. 3. There's an old lady upstairs that hasn't done the dirty in a while so you have to go up there and do it with her.'"

"The man says, 'Hell no I'm not doing that.' But eventually after some more drinking, agrees to do it. He drinks the bottle in 8 seconds flat without making a face and goes outside for the dog."

"After a long long time of barking, growling, snapping, crying, he comes back in bloody and cut up and asks, 'Alright where's the lady with the bad tooth?'"-Seinfield_Succ

He Completed The Assignment

"I have one prepared for if I ever get asked this question in a job interview. It goes like this…"

"A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company. During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him."

"'If you're as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.' The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door."

"He's halfway down the hall when the Hiring Manager shouts, 'Hey! Bring me back that laptop!'"

"To which the man turns and replies, '£200 and it's yours.'"-LndnGrmmr

People Share Their Unexpected Happiest Moments | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

Arrr, It Be Time For A Pirate Joke

"A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a hook hand, peg-leg eye patch and a parrot. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg."

"The pirate replies 'arrr, 'twas bitten off by a shark. I barely made it back with me life.' The bartender says 'well that's terrible, how did you lose your hand?'"

"The pirate responds 'lost it in a duel.' The bartender takes a moment and asks 'and the eye patch.' The pirate sighs deeply and responds 'me parrot pooped in me eye.'"

"The bartender is confused and says 'How did you lose an eye from that?' and the pirate says ''twas me first day with the hook.'"-starmartyr

Never Trust A Super Person

"Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building."

"One says, 'Did you know if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the skyscrapers will stop your fall and blow you right back up here?'"

"'No way,' replied the second man."

"'Here, I'll prove it,' said the first, and he jumped out the window, fell down, down, down and then reversed course and came right back up and through the window."

"'Amazing!' exclaimed the second man, 'Let me try that.' He jumped and fell all the way to the pavement below."

"The bartender says to the first man, 'Damn, Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk.'"-DonDiamante

Did you know these jokes already or are they new to you?

Hehe Math Jokez

"Three statisticians go hunting. They're camped out for several days, cold, frustrated and on the verge of giving up when one of them finally spots a deer."

"The first statistician raises his rifle and fires, but misses to the left. The second statistician aims and fires wide to the right. The third statistician jumps up and exclaims, 'we got it!'"-the_idea_pig

Too Many Legs For Plans

"A guy invited a centipede to a movie and said "hey centipede would you like to go catch a movie with me?". The centipede didn't respond."

"He then asked a second time 'say centipede I asked if you would like to catch a movie later on today?' Still no answer."

"By the third time the man was feeling pretty offended and said 'Hey centipede if you don't want to go to the movies with me you can just say so, no need to be rude and ignore me…'"

"The centipede then turns around and yells at the man 'I heard you the first time I was putting on my shoes!……'"-WearSad2278

So Embarrassing

"A man walks into an airport bar and sees another traveler with his head in his hands looking miserable. He sits down next to the upset man and says, 'Hey, what's going on man, everything okay?'"

"'Oh yeah, I'm just super embarrassed!'"

"'I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, what happened?'"

"'It's pretty bad. I walked up to the attendant at the counter to get my tickets. So when I went to say 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburg' I accidentally said, 'Can I get two pickets to Tittsburg." And it was just so embarrassing.'"

"The other guy replies, 'Don't even sweat it, guy! I did the same thing when I was having breakfast with my wife this morning.'"

"'I meant to say, "Hey, honey, can you pass the salt and pepper?" But what I said was, "you're ruining my life, you stupid b*tch!'""-megamike93

These jokes always take us just a little further over-the-edge than we were expecting.

But they're a refreshing little addition to anyone's palate for telling jokes and making new acquaintances at parties. Go forth, have fun, and joke on.