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A couple of years ago, I went to pick up a gallon of milk. It was very early in the morning and the place was swarming with high school students who were loitering before they were due to report for their first class. I remember that one of them cut the line to purchase a Red Bull. It was early and I was tired, so I honestly didn't care much. After purchasing this nasty "drink," the high schooler popped open the can and took a swig. Then he belched, yawned, and said, "What the f*** man, I'm always so tired." To which the store owner rolled his eyes and, without missing a beat, replied, "Go to bed early and stop drinking f****** Red Bull."

Store Owner: 1 High Schooler: 0

After Redditor HeffyArea51 asked the online community, "What's the best comeback you've ever heard?" people shared some of their favorites.


Ouch.

Douchey guy: "It's like they say: nice guys finish last."

My fiance: "How would you know?"

scarrlett

Nice one!

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you back out of it!"

"I'm adopted, Dad, remember? "

And then my Dad turned purple, so I left.

Squigglepig52

We're going to have to steal this one.

"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory." Always makes me laugh.

TriplePowers

Seriously.

That one is gold.

They get better from here.

Oh, snap.

A friend in high school on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.

Dbag: "why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one?"

My friend: "the same reason you watch porn"

The entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

RedIguanaLeader

Ouch, 2.0.

A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn't the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what they say about you? Nothing, nobody f**king cares."

ItsTime4you2go

Good times, indeed.

On a construction site one afternoon, different trades were working in the same area. Like silly team sports, the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers, and anytime they're together it turns into a pointless dick-measuring contest (usually not literally)!

One particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth- my unti biggest, blah blah blah. Finally one of em spits out this classic:

"I've got girth like a can of corn!"

And the clap back was unforgettable:

"But you've got length like a can of tuna!"

Everyone busted up. Mister girth tried to hide his embarrassment but was tied-up. No comeback. And a room of men laughing uncontrollably.

Good times...

heathenbeast

Truly excellent.

We love how quick some people are with their comebacks. How they do it?!

Takes years of practice, in fact.

Whoa, granny.

My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.

Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.

Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.

Point goes to Granny.

IDKHow2UseThisApp

"It was during this exchange..."

"Why are you making my job more difficult? I don't go to your job and jump on the bed!"

This lady came in on Christmas Eve, demanded we sell her a trampoline that her kid could open on Christmas morning. There were several problems that occurred during this transaction: She was noticeably intoxicated. We only sold trampolines in the summertime (we had some in back, but their SKU's didn't work until April 1), so we couldn't ring her up. My boss eventually figured out how to sell her one, got it out to the loading dock, and instantly discovered that her 1992 Ford Taurus was definitely not going to take the weight of the boxed up trampoline.

More demands were made, my boss refused to hand deliver her purchase, a refund was offered. More yelling. She was calling the BBB. I was calling the police about the open container in her car that could not carry a half-ton trampoline.

It was during this exchange that my boss decided to deliver something for her, resulting in the classic comeback I'll never forget.

It was a Christmas Eve to remember. Gods bless our retail workers.

Kaladrax182

It got the job done.

I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?"

Not very impressive, but it shut him up.

Disfellagotnoname

We can see why.

It was an exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a sl*t-shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.

Person A: "I can't believe how many people you've slept with, I don't understand how people can have sex with someone they aren't in love with"

Person B: "Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay"

Person A: silence as he dies inside

TannedCroissant

In case any of you were looking for some comebacks to steal...

...you're in luck.

There's no shortage of sassy people on the internet and certainly no shortage of media to consume for inspiration.

Have some of your own comebacks to share? Feel free to sound off in the comments below!

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

Lifehacks, if applied properly, can really change the course of a single household chore.

Chores can really be such a pain to take care of, and nobody wants to do it. But with a little life hack under your belt, you might be able to turn chore time into something a little fun.

u/rat-avec-london asked:

What is a lifehack that seems fake, but is a true lifesaver?

Here were some of those answers.


My Finger, The Glass

If your ring gets stuck on your finger windex will slide it right off. Worked at a jewelry store for five plus years.

coykoi314

You can also use any oil (cooking, automotive... anything).

You can also reduce the size of your hand (and finger) by holding it up in the air. Chilling your hand in cold water THEN holding it up in the air for a couple minutes whilst rubbing oil &/or dishwashing fluids in there... trifecta of ring removal.

Should work on anyone that just stole Sauron's prize - though biting it off also works, i suppose.

SageSilinous

Multiple Uses

Use shaving cream as anti-fog. I used it on the inside of my motorcycle visor. Smear it on, let it dry, then rinse off and dry. It also works for bathroom mirrors. You can use it on a small spot so you can still see when you get out of the shower.

Caspers_Shadow

Shaving cream also removes the smell of urine. If you ever have to take care of someone who is old and/or sick and who wets the bed, a little shaving cream on a rag wiped over their buttocks after they are thoroughly cleaned up helps them really smell clean again.

It's a bit of a sad tip, I know, but you never know when you might end up caring for someone who needs help with things like this. Nobody wants to smell. A dab of shaving cream to restore a bit of dignity? Priceless.

Gen-Jinjur

Pretty Important For Stage Actors

Every male should know this. If you want to get rid of an awkward boner flex any muscle in your body maybe an arm. For a minute. The blood will rush to that muscle and away from your penis. Crisis averted.

GingerOverseer

These life hacks really don't seem real at all, but if you can swear by them, they can save your life.

Obligatory Poop Hack

I saw a comment on one of these kinda threads that recommended gently rocking back and forth while pooping. I've never had any problems in the bathroom, but I happened to be sitting on the toilet when I read the comment so I decided to give it a test drive. I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and effortless the whole experience was and I haven't gone back to my old stationary technique since. As a bonus, #1 and #2 now require the same amount of time in the bathroom!

ASS_LORD_666

It's The Alcohol

If you have funky armpits and need to fix them fast, use hand sanitiser. I figured this out years ago when I remembered that the smell comes from bacteria reactions - which antibacterial hand gel kills stone dead. Instant results and the medical smell lasts only a minute. Don't do this routinely though as it's delicate skin.

ihadanideaonce

But Hopefully It's Just A Playing Puppy

True lifesaver: if you are ever attacked by a dog, push your forearm INTO the bite. This pries the jaws apart and prevents them from clamping down. If a dog is attacking you, the best thing you can do is offer your forearm, push as far back as possible, and then grab the dog by the scruff of its neck with your other hand to hold it. The dog is now functionally muzzled and you have control of its head. The sooner and harder you push into the bite, the less damage the bite will do.

IAlbatross

Get It Off Anything

That rubbing alcohol removes chewing gum.

I'd go through a 20 layer deep marketing funnel to get to that tip because it really does work.

Also wow! Thank you for all of the awards nice Redditors. I completely forgot I left this comment and came back and my notifications had blown up.

omgIamafraidofreddit

And previously impossible situations will give way at long last.

Sayonara Capsaicin

Rubbing vegetable oil (or any cooking oil) on your hands after you cut up jalapeños or other hot peppers. It gets rid of the awfulness that would normally be left on your hands from the peppers. I rub my hands with oil and then wash it off with dish soap. I can totally remove my contacts after doing this. It's crazy how well this works.

PaulRuddsButthole

Crying Crying

Put your onion in the freezer for 10 minutes before chopping it. It freezes the juices just enough to slow down the process of it turning in to a gas, giving you a few minutes to chop the onion without tears. I learnt this tip from a kid's science show years ago and I haven't had to deal with onion tears since. So many people don't believe me, and then are genuinely surprised when it works.

Lost_in_the_Library

Just A Quick Little Base

The cheapest, most effective, and safest insecticide against roaches (especially those huge "water bug" roaches that we have in the South) is a spray bottle of mostly water with just a little liquid dish soap in it.

Shake the bottle & get the water a little foamy, then spray the roaches. They will run, scrabble, and attempt escape, of course, but they will die. The soap film suffocates them faster than any chemicals will.

A friend told me about this, & I thought she was nuts, but I tried it & it works amazingly well. Plus it's very easy to clean up and safe around food (not that you want to spray soapy water ON your food).

SnooPickles3213

Incorporating any of these lifehacks into your home may make a big difference. You'll never want to turn back.

Or you will, whatever. But they're worth a try!

Image by Olya Adamovich from Pixabay

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