People Reveal What Long Con They're Running IRL
For years my entire (very large) family conspired together to convince me that he moon followed me around personally like a happy little puppy. It sounds ridiculous to type now that I'm in my 30's, but 5 year old me didn't think to question something my family so calmly presented as fact. That didn't change until I was almost ten, but shush - kids trust their families.
What I'm saying is I have no experience pulling a long con, but I can assure you the secret to delivering one is to never, ever waiver and to master the art of keeping a straight face.
I promise I've totally since forgiven my family for being a traitorous pack of liars. One Reddit user asked:
What's your "long con"?
Here's a list of long-term liars who were able to pull off some long cons that even I have to begrudgingly admit are kind of useful and maybe a little funny. Some have been edited for clarity or language.
Gaslighting Dizzy Izzy
I used to work with a young lady named Isobel. We called her Dizzy Izzy because she was a whirlwind of disorganization. My boss at the time and I decided she needed to be more organized.
Every time she did something disorganized we would say, "Isobel, that's so unlike you! Usually you are so organized!" Being organized started becoming part of how she viewed herself. She started to hate it when she was disorganized.
I think we made a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Change The Sheets
A few years ago, I realized that my husband always wanted to have sex whenever I had changed the sheets. I don't think he's ever put two and two together, but when I want some action, I change the sheets! It's a sure thing and has been going on for 7 years now!
Allergic To Koalas
I convinced my neighbor kid he is allergic to koalas. It started out when I caught him sneezing outside and I casually mentioned it was due to the koala migration. It just built from there.
It's of note we don't reside in Australia.
Getting In Good With Our Future Robot Overlords
I make it a point to occasionally post pro-robot comments on multiple websites. This is to account for the future when robots rule the Earth and are able to trace comments on the internet back to individuals.
The only thing they will have on me is that I am 100% on their side. All hail our future cyber overlords!
I have an eight year old daughter. Ever since she was a toddler any time she, or anyone else mentioned milkshakes I would say something like "careful, they'll bring all the boys to the yard."
When she was a toddler she used to check the yard for boys if we ever made milkshakes. As she got older she started rolling her eyes at me and saying "That's just one of your jokes, and it's not even funny!"
To my knowledge she has never heard the song and my hope is that someday when she does it'll be the longest payoff of any joke I've ever told or played.
Cursed Family Portrait
My roommate and I found a picture of this white family we didn't know in one of our tool sheds. I made a joke that it was some cursed picture or something. He threw it away, and later on I got it out of the trash and put it in one of his old photo albums. One day he'll find it and have no clue how it got there.
For some reason, I find that hilarious.
Winston, My Imaginary Cat
My coworkers think I have a cat. His name is Winston.
I use him as an excuse to get out of awkward work related social events: "I'd love to go to happy hour, thanks, but I have to get home and feed the cat."
I even have a photograph of some random cat on my phone in case anyone asks to see Winston.
I don't have a cat. And I occasionally chuckle to myself at the thought of Winston, my imaginary cat.
Half An Inch
Every day after work my favorite colleague and I would go to our other colleagues desk and move everything half an inch and would sit in his chair and slightly adjust it. It was the best thing ever watching him come in each morning and try figure out wtf happened.
I hide bottle caps around the house for my wife to stumble upon. In her pillowcase, purse, random drawers, anywhere unexpected really. If we ever move out of this house the new owners will be finding them for years.
The best are when I can plant one on her without her noticing, like in her pockets or gently placing it on her head when she's preoccupied.
The Keyzer Soze
I once was tasked with remotely managing a few departments across several stores for the company I worked for and on occasion meeting with them in person and also auditing them. They had some issues that needed resolved and nothing had worked so far. Each store was like the wild west with nothing being the exactly the same between stores. Coupled with poor oversight from corporate, it was a hot mess.
Being significantly younger than those I would be managing, I decided to get creative in the event their may be some resistance. I was proven correct. Luckily the president of the company was on board with my idea.
In the beginning for every interaction over the phone I would act disorganized and kind of slow. When we met in person, I would walk with a bad limp. When they visited my office it would look terribly disorganized. When we spoke, I would never lead the conversation unless I had to and would ask lousy questions. I also spoke low and soft. I kept this up for 4 months. The goal was to get them to think I was a poor fit and borderline incompetent for the job. In other words I was "small" and therefore off their radar.
What they did not realize is while I was doing this, I was actually learning how their store conducted business and finding issues and weak spots. Every audit's results were going into the master file. All the issues were being listed and solutions being considered.
Once they thought I was weak/dumb, they became less guarded and did not consider me a threat. They allowed me proper unfettered access to their records (which I should have had anyway) because they though I couldn't understand them. At the end of the four months we had a managers meeting. I walked to the podium, without the limp, spoke in a projected and commanding voice, with authority, explained my credentials, and spent the next hour covering the issues that were found, how we were going to move forward, and laid down the consequences for non-compliance.
It achieved the desired results and they were very surprised they had been duped. Some were angry, more due to the fact their days of doing what they wanted were over. Some quit soon after but departments improved and numbers went up.
My office is next to the floor's bathroom. People pass all the time. People want to stop and visit because I don't know why.
I started to, when I hear footsteps approach, put on an angry face and act all concentrated at whatever it is I'm currently doing on the computer. Usually this is various forms of reddit.
Intended effect: people stop stopping by and interrupt my reddit.
Unintended effect: people think I'm a diligent worker and really give it my all.
I've started to act more angry at things at work. Instead of zoning out during boring presentations I stare at that powerpoint like a Wild West Showdown at High Noon.
Today I did about two hours of work, but honest to god my boss just passed to the bathroom (stop working angry face), and passed back (angry face at the news on tv), and he stopped, knocked on my door and said:
"hey don't burn yourself out".
Right. Yes boss. Sigh. Relax. Rub my eyes a bit. "Whats going on what do you need?"
"Nothing, you're doing good work."
I've been here 18 months. I am the best at my job. I only do about 2 hours of work a day.
In sophomore year of high school I asked my friend to borrow his phone to text my mom. I went to his setting and changed "haha" to auto correct to "SHUT UP!!" (lame, I know.)
Anyways during my freshman year of college we were texting and catching up and he sends me "SHUT UP!!" then followed it up with "sorry my phone has done that forever. Idk how to make it stop".
I completely forgot about my little prank but damn it made me laugh to see he never fixed it.
I had a friend in college who left his phone out unsupervised a lot. I eventually learned his password by watching him unlock his phone (it was one of those 9 dot passwords.) I set a few alarms on his phone to go off on Saturday morning at 4am. I set them up for months or years ahead and would include a message like, "Remember, (my name) loves you".
We were in the same program, so we shared classes for five years. Having him come into class annoyed at me was always hilarious since I had forgotten about them by that time. The fun went away when he got a new phone. Haha
Fruit Loops And Cancer
I told a 6 year old that his favorite cereal, Fruit Loops, would give him cancer because of all the red dye in it. 14 years later at 20 years old he still won't touch them for this reason.
The Ultimate Rick Roll
My sister has drop tile ceilings in her basement. I have put a cheap burner cell phone in that ceiling, so it's under her main floor. I downloaded never gonna give you up as the ring tone and every once in a while I call it. When I visit, I take the phone out and charge it and then put it back. I hope she never figures it out.
Pancake Mold Is Beautiful
I convinced a couple of friends that I collected pancakes. I do collect things, but not that!
Nevertheless, they were riding home from a party with me and both were feeling extremely bummed out by something that had happened there. So I started talking about my pancake collection: how I kept the interesting ones whenever I was served pancakes and took them home and kept them in trunks. I would take them out from time to time to admire them, I told them, especially the pretty colors and patterns in the mold.
Let's just say they stopped thinking about themselves. But they didn't call me on it, and I never broke character or ever mentioned it was a joke.
Months down the line I started a relationship with one of them and she confessed, long after, that at one time she'd searched my apartment for the trunks. ;-)
The Scottish Reveal
I spent an entire semester in college pretending to be Scottish, but only in my theater class. It was the last class in my block for that semester, so on the first couple days I studied the faces of all my classmates to be sure no one was in both my theater class and any other. I told everyone I was from Dundee, Scotland (a city I've been to a couple times/ my old exchange student lives there) and spent a lot of time practicing the accent. On the last day of class before the exam we gave group presentations. I made sure my group was last, and after we gave our presentation I followed up with my reveal.
I only did it to see if I could, and I did.
The Red Dot
My cats don't know that I control the red dot.
My senior year of high school I had the whole school convinced I was color blind. Not red/green color blind or anything like that, like 100% black and white was all I saw. Nobody could prove me wrong and it just kinda became my identity as "the color blind guy." Then on the last day of school I told everyone, and they were all so mad.
Then I did it again when I started working at my current job. Got transferred recently and told everyone at my old store on my last day, same reaction. Kept that one up for about 2 years. Absolutely worth it both times.
Every year when I get my property tax bill for the vehicles, I set up an auto-withdraw weekly for that amount divided by 52, headed to an online savings account. I never notice the $17/week gone, and the next year's property tax is lower as the value decreases. Come December when I get the next bill, I suddenly have $200 extra.
Yeah, I'm conning myself into saving for Christmas, but whatever works.
There is so much to learn in the world, it's impossible for one person to know absolutely everything there is to know.
But there are certain things, like common phrases and idioms, that everyone seems to use that might be a little embarrassing to not understand until later in life.
Redditor Curious-2577 asked:
"What's something you learned 'embarrassingly late' in life?"
"My sister was in her fifties when she found out the meaning of, 'You have an addictive personality.'"
"She thought after all these years of therapy that it meant that people were addicted to her personality."
"We laughed hysterically when we talked about this (in a very sad way)."
"I thought that horses had toes until I was 22. I thought the hoof was a 'horseshoe' and the toes were tucked inside."
"How did I learn how wrong I was, you ask?"
"I was walking past a cavalry museum and saw a horse statue and loudly remarked, 'It must hurt so bad when they fold a horse’s toes to put them into the shoe!'"
"Dozens of horse enthusiasts turned and looked at me with wild bewilderment in their eyes."
"The saying is, in fact, 'Nip it in the bud' and not 'Nip it in the butt.'"
"A few months ago, two of my colleagues both handed in their notice at around the same time."
"I kept reading/hearing the sentence, 'They’re both moving on to pastures new’ being thrown about the office in the weeks leading up to them leaving, and I hadn’t heard this phrase before and thought that was the name of the rival company that they were going to, like, 'Pastures New.'"
"I thought it was weird that nobody was talking about how they were both leaving for the same company."
"I was in the car with one of the two people who were leaving and said, 'So where is it that you and X are going to be working? Is it...’"
"And just before I could embarrass myself and say ‘Pastures New,' they interrupted me and said they’re not going to the same place and asked me where I had heard that."
"I think at that moment, I realized I was stupid and didn’t mention it again."
"I think I was in college when I realized that Mario and Luigi are plumbers. I thought they just went and up down these tubes just because that was the theme of the game."
"That Bonsai are not a species of tree, but a way to grow them. Any tree can be a bonsai."
Houston, We Have a Problem
"Houston is not the name of the guy astronauts talk to."
"I learned that pork and beans are not called 'cowboy beans.' I was 18 and asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the 'cowboy beans.'"
"We were looking everywhere and I was getting frustrated because I know that every store carries these beans. After a while, I picked up a pork and beans can with a picture and said, 'See, they look just like this!'"
"He said, 'You mean pork and beans?'"
"Then I realized that my mom called them that so that I would eat them."
"The look of disappointment from that grocery store clerk haunts me to this day."
"Let me tell you about how I thought you were awarded a 'Pullet Surprise.'"
Rum and Coke
"Not too late in life, but I thought my parents were making 'Roman Cokes' until I went to college."
"Which, I think is a much better name for the drink (Rum and Coke) anyway."
Oh No, Not Acoma!
"That a coma was 'A' coma. Until I was probably 19 or so, I thought it was 'acoma.'"
"I thought you fell into acoma."
It Must Have Been a One-Way Trip
"My parents were divorced the whole time and my mom was not, in fact, taking a vacation, lmao (laughing my a** off)."
"I live near the Hospital for Joint Diseases… when I was a kid, I thought was a special hospital for people who had two or more different diseases at the same time."
"Moving cross-country, driving east to west, and crossing from Idaho to Oregon, I noticed huge fields with signs for the Ore-Ida Potato company."
"So I was in my early 20s when I figured out Ore-Ida wasn’t just a brand name but was because their potatoes came from Oregon and Idaho."
"When I was really young, my sister told me she threw her guts up. So I was really afraid of vomiting my entire insides up for years."
Some of these really had us laughing as we realized the revelations some of these Redditors were having.
But when we're really honest with ourselves, we probably didn't figure out some of these until later, too.
While starting a family and having children is a goal that many people have, some do not realize that it's not easy, fun, and loving one-hundred percent of the time. Rather, it's expensive, exhausting, and hard, though it might be worth it in the end.
With this in mind, people shared what they felt were the hardest hurdles of their parenting.
Redditor ApprehensiveShock655 asked:
"What's the worst part of having a child?"
Fear of Not Doing Enough
"The constant anxiety that you’re doing enough to shape them to make good choices, a good life, be a good person and for them to have the life they deserve."
Like the Energizer Bunny
"It's incessant. It never stops. You never get a day off."
"Going from having two days per week to relax and do whatever to literally never having a moment free from responsibility."
No Break In Sight
"I’ve always wanted kids and still do, but this is the only thing that has come close to giving me pause."
"Both my siblings have young kids and I cannot get over how CONSTANT it is."
"From the second the kids wake up to when they finally shut their eyes, it’s non-stop. Then they get maybe an hour or two to themselves, which is mostly spent tidying up, etc., before the nighttime stuff starts with the baby crying, the toddler coming into bed, nightmares, etc."
"It requires years of not getting a full night's rest. You can never just go out whenever you want. No sleeping in, even on weekends because someone has to be up with them at 6 AM."
"Raising human children is an insane task."
Mom's Body After Baby and Dad Bods
"The weight gain is the worst! During the pregnancy, I gained 35 pounds. My belly has stretch marks. My boobs are all saggy."
"And it’s not even fair because my wife only gained like 15."
The Meal Planning
"Coming up with three meals to eat per day EVERY DAY stresses me out so bad."
"This sounds like such a small thing, but it really wears on you over time. You can’t just make something for yourself or something you and your spouse feel like eating: You have to constantly be thinking about if the kid is hungry and what they might be willing to eat."
Keeping Them Safe
"When people ask me this I say, 'do you know those video games where you have to escort a character to a destination without them being attacked?' That's parenting. Those missions are a pain in the a**."
Seriously, Keep Them Safe
"Having to deal with their total lack of self-preservation. They are creative and come up with all kinds of ways to try and kill themselves. Keeping ahead of the game is exhausting."
"They’re just always there. On you, behind you, in front of you, just a little speed bump impeding every task."
Letting Them Live Their Life Their Way
"Having a kid is like having a little piece of your heart running around in the world. When they're sick or get disappointed or just feel sad, it's worse than having it happen to you."
"Yet at the same time, you need to let your kids work through those things to learn to handle them. If you give into the worry and try to shield them from everything, you risk creating harmful co-dependence."
"So it's a constant struggle. But worth it!"
What Is "Sleep" Again?
"I'm only nine years in, but so far, it's been the sleep deprivation. Hands down."
And What Are These "Sick Days" You Speak Of?
"Having to take care of a sick child when you are also sick. For me that has been the most challenging part so far."
Another Full-Time Job
"It's like taking a second job that lasts 18+ years with a 24/7 schedule with no holidays or sick days."
"…And no second paycheck. It's actually like YOU are paying your second salary instead of getting one."
"The loss of freedom. I can't just... go somewhere. Even with older kids, there's so much planning and thinking and getting ready."
"I miss being able to just decide to go somewhere, and go there."
The Time Flies
"The best advice I got was from an ancient hospital security guard in an elevator. 'The days are long, the years are short, cherish them while you can.'"
"The phrase I hate is, 'You don't know it, but one day you pick your kid up for the last time.'"
There are all kinds of troubles that come from being a parent, many of which people don't necessarily think about until they already have a baby in the house.
But reassuringly, many people in the subReddit pointed out that no matter how hard some of these hurdles are to get over, it's still worth it in the end, and it goes by far too fast.
Positive emotions are high among people in the blossoming phase of relationships.
Everything seems more romanticized for people in love due to the amorous joy in their hearts–which also influences their desire to frequently get it on under the sheets–or any other daring location in the heat of the moment.
But for those who've declared "'til death do us part," devoted couples may find that they are not always on the same wavelength sexually compared to when they first met.
Curious to hear how people keep their passion alive, Redditor Rude_Phone6841 asked:
"Married people, how do you initiate sex with your partner?"
When verbally articulating isn't enough...
Let The Book Dictate When
"There is a book called 'How to Subtly Tell Your Partner You Want More Sex.' If you sleep on the right side of the bed, you can casually open it up and your spouse will see the giant printed title on the front. Sometimes, I’ll just get the book out and leave it on his side of the bed. Once he was messing with me and acting like he was oblivious to my not-so-subtle hints, so I threw the book at him. The book is effective and hilarious."
"ETA: Sadly, we haven’t found the book since we moved. Fortunately, we’ve started communicating with our words instead. Words are just as effective."
Save The Date
"I send her an outlook calendar event and if she accepts, IT'S ON."
"You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business."
These couples find that verbal cues are best.
Now's The Time
"Honestly when we have the time one of us usually bluntly says 'let's go have sex right f'king now before we can't' and we go do it. Lol"
Option A Or B
"I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Some of the best sex we had was because I said 'after 2 year old goes down and if 2month decides to sleep do you want to meet in the basement' well she decided to sleep and damn that was good."
End Of Day Reward
"We just ask each other tbh. We’ll bring it up earlier in the day so we build up the anticipation with each other throughout the day, flirt with each other, gas each other up. All that. Then when it’s finally time at the end of the day, we usually fall asleep cause we’re so tired."
"But the cycle continues the next day!"
People continued offering their wisdom.
Afternoon Hanky Panky
"The trick is to initiate sex during the day. We are both too tired at the end. Plus hanging out all day after is somehow more rewarding."
"Same goes for dates. Have sex at the beginning the date, then go enjoy your time together without any pressure."
Kids In The Equation
"This literally happened today with my wife and me. We have two toddlers so we’re extra exhausted. Earlier today we had the sexy initiation of 'hey, we both showered today, want to have sex after the babies are asleep?' 'Sure.'"
"Then when the kids were asleep, and my wife and I were getting settled into bed, she asked if I still wanted to. I said if she wants to I’m down, but I’m pretty tired and would be fine without it. She said she was also tired and could do without it. So we kissed each other good night and she went to sleep. I’m just winding down on Reddit for a few minutes before I also fall asleep."
"I know this is boring. I didn’t write this to tell an exciting story. Just to share what married life is like for me and probably the large majority of married couples, especially parents of young kids."
Shadow Puppet Technique
"Use my phones torch to shine a shadow of my member up against the bedroom wall."
"Kinda like a bat signal of sorts."
"Turn off the lights and switch on the red lamp beside the bed."
"Walk by him while taking my top off. He follows me wherever I go and it's been 30 years and counting."
Every couple is different, and usually establishing a strong communication bond makes everything else in the relationship–including sexy time–falls in line effortlessly.
I knew a couple who made a game out of foreplay and agreed that whoever got home first from getting off work at the same time got to choose the sexual position that night.
They may no longer be together, but I remember them recalling how that technique was fun for them at the beginning stage and it took the pressure off of establishing when they were going to have sex.
Don't take get too anxious about it. It's just sex, and it's fun.
There are a number of things people partake in spite of the known possible ramifications they have on their health and safety.
Up to and including smoking, bungee-jumping, recreational drug use, or simply bike riding without a helmet.
Indeed, even though they know that doing any or all of these things could possibly lead to their death, they do it anyway.
Sadly, even though many people go out of their way to avoid doing these things for that very reason, that still doesn't mean they keep themselves completely out of danger.
Sadly, there are a surprisingly large number of things that lead to an even more surprising number of deaths each year.
Frighteningly, these are things that the majority of the world's population does on an almost daily basis.
"What causes death more than people realize?"
When In Doubt, Call Your Doctor!
"Your body will become septic, in which it essentially kills itself trying to kill off whatever infection one has."- cacarrizales
"Infections that are left untreated."- raptor-99
Tread Carefully. Seriously.
"On average around 17k people a year in the US die from injuries incurred after tripping and falling."- EdithWhartonsFarts
When In Doubt, Don't Drive.
"Driving while sleepy."- latchkey_adult
The Handrail Is There For A Reason.
"20 million severe injuries each year and at least 200,000 death from consequences of the fall."
"Both my grandparents died because of a fall."- OnTheGoodSideofLife
They Happen To The Best Of Us
"Especially among the elderly, a fall can create a cascade of events that results in death, even if it seems minor at first."-AdmiralBofa
Never Rush Chewing
"Statistically the most choked on food."- SpecSanders
Never Skip A Check-Up
"High Blood Pressure."
"It sneaks up on you and you don't know about it or don't care but it's the underlying cause of so many deaths."- Fear51
Never Underestimate The Importance Of Self Care
"Your body can only handle so much of it and it’s labeled the 'silent killer' for that reason."
"With your high blood pressure and the 5 hours of sleep a night because of the stress, It will creep up on you sooner than you think."- DroppedDonut
Don't Forget To Floss!
"Untreated dental problems."
"A cavity left untreated can lead to heart attacks and strokes."- Lastalmark
"Just regular old flu."
"Many people ignore it thinking it'll go away on its own."
"Globally the number per year is usually between 300k and 500k."
"In the US it can be anywhere from 12k to 50k per year."- PhreedomPhighter
Don't Feel Ashamed If You Need A Break
"I have two family friends pass from heart attacks associated to shoveling the snow."- JD054
There Are People Who Will Help You
"Alcoholism causing liver failure and it's on the rise in the USA."- Interesting_Drop8236
"Peruse your County ME’s records."
"The amount of people who die from alcohol is astounding."- hockenduke
Sometimes, It's Just Best To Mind Your Own Business
"You watch some Hollywood blockbusters and some MMA fights and you think you can do it too."
"I've seen stories of a guy minding his own business and gets rocked on the side of his head. It disconnected his spine and he was dead before he hit the ground."
"There was another story maybe a year ago of a scuffle where a guy was stabbed in the neck and bled out to the point of being unable to stand within 10 seconds."
"Stop f*cking around, it's not worth your life."- Choiceofart
We never know when our number is up or how we'll end our days.
However, with a little bit of care and good judgment, we can at least likely avoid falling victim to all of the above.