For years my entire (very large) family conspired together to convince me that he moon followed me around personally like a happy little puppy. It sounds ridiculous to type now that I'm in my 30's, but 5 year old me didn't think to question something my family so calmly presented as fact. That didn't change until I was almost ten, but shush - kids trust their families.
What I'm saying is I have no experience pulling a long con, but I can assure you the secret to delivering one is to never, ever waiver and to master the art of keeping a straight face.
I promise I've totally since forgiven my family for being a traitorous pack of liars. One Reddit user asked:
What's your "long con"?
Here's a list of long-term liars who were able to pull off some long cons that even I have to begrudgingly admit are kind of useful and maybe a little funny. Some have been edited for clarity or language.
Gaslighting Dizzy Izzy
I used to work with a young lady named Isobel. We called her Dizzy Izzy because she was a whirlwind of disorganization. My boss at the time and I decided she needed to be more organized.
Every time she did something disorganized we would say, "Isobel, that's so unlike you! Usually you are so organized!" Being organized started becoming part of how she viewed herself. She started to hate it when she was disorganized.
I think we made a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Change The Sheets
A few years ago, I realized that my husband always wanted to have sex whenever I had changed the sheets. I don't think he's ever put two and two together, but when I want some action, I change the sheets! It's a sure thing and has been going on for 7 years now!
Allergic To Koalas
I convinced my neighbor kid he is allergic to koalas. It started out when I caught him sneezing outside and I casually mentioned it was due to the koala migration. It just built from there.
It's of note we don't reside in Australia.
Getting In Good With Our Future Robot Overlords
I make it a point to occasionally post pro-robot comments on multiple websites. This is to account for the future when robots rule the Earth and are able to trace comments on the internet back to individuals.
The only thing they will have on me is that I am 100% on their side. All hail our future cyber overlords!
I have an eight year old daughter. Ever since she was a toddler any time she, or anyone else mentioned milkshakes I would say something like "careful, they'll bring all the boys to the yard."
When she was a toddler she used to check the yard for boys if we ever made milkshakes. As she got older she started rolling her eyes at me and saying "That's just one of your jokes, and it's not even funny!"
To my knowledge she has never heard the song and my hope is that someday when she does it'll be the longest payoff of any joke I've ever told or played.
Cursed Family Portrait
My roommate and I found a picture of this white family we didn't know in one of our tool sheds. I made a joke that it was some cursed picture or something. He threw it away, and later on I got it out of the trash and put it in one of his old photo albums. One day he'll find it and have no clue how it got there.
For some reason, I find that hilarious.
Winston, My Imaginary Cat
My coworkers think I have a cat. His name is Winston.
I use him as an excuse to get out of awkward work related social events: "I'd love to go to happy hour, thanks, but I have to get home and feed the cat."
I even have a photograph of some random cat on my phone in case anyone asks to see Winston.
I don't have a cat. And I occasionally chuckle to myself at the thought of Winston, my imaginary cat.
Half An Inch
Every day after work my favorite colleague and I would go to our other colleagues desk and move everything half an inch and would sit in his chair and slightly adjust it. It was the best thing ever watching him come in each morning and try figure out wtf happened.
I hide bottle caps around the house for my wife to stumble upon. In her pillowcase, purse, random drawers, anywhere unexpected really. If we ever move out of this house the new owners will be finding them for years.
The best are when I can plant one on her without her noticing, like in her pockets or gently placing it on her head when she's preoccupied.
The Keyzer Soze
I once was tasked with remotely managing a few departments across several stores for the company I worked for and on occasion meeting with them in person and also auditing them. They had some issues that needed resolved and nothing had worked so far. Each store was like the wild west with nothing being the exactly the same between stores. Coupled with poor oversight from corporate, it was a hot mess.
Being significantly younger than those I would be managing, I decided to get creative in the event their may be some resistance. I was proven correct. Luckily the president of the company was on board with my idea.
In the beginning for every interaction over the phone I would act disorganized and kind of slow. When we met in person, I would walk with a bad limp. When they visited my office it would look terribly disorganized. When we spoke, I would never lead the conversation unless I had to and would ask lousy questions. I also spoke low and soft. I kept this up for 4 months. The goal was to get them to think I was a poor fit and borderline incompetent for the job. In other words I was "small" and therefore off their radar.
What they did not realize is while I was doing this, I was actually learning how their store conducted business and finding issues and weak spots. Every audit's results were going into the master file. All the issues were being listed and solutions being considered.
Once they thought I was weak/dumb, they became less guarded and did not consider me a threat. They allowed me proper unfettered access to their records (which I should have had anyway) because they though I couldn't understand them. At the end of the four months we had a managers meeting. I walked to the podium, without the limp, spoke in a projected and commanding voice, with authority, explained my credentials, and spent the next hour covering the issues that were found, how we were going to move forward, and laid down the consequences for non-compliance.
It achieved the desired results and they were very surprised they had been duped. Some were angry, more due to the fact their days of doing what they wanted were over. Some quit soon after but departments improved and numbers went up.
My office is next to the floor's bathroom. People pass all the time. People want to stop and visit because I don't know why.
I started to, when I hear footsteps approach, put on an angry face and act all concentrated at whatever it is I'm currently doing on the computer. Usually this is various forms of reddit.
Intended effect: people stop stopping by and interrupt my reddit.
Unintended effect: people think I'm a diligent worker and really give it my all.
I've started to act more angry at things at work. Instead of zoning out during boring presentations I stare at that powerpoint like a Wild West Showdown at High Noon.
Today I did about two hours of work, but honest to god my boss just passed to the bathroom (stop working angry face), and passed back (angry face at the news on tv), and he stopped, knocked on my door and said:
"hey don't burn yourself out".
Right. Yes boss. Sigh. Relax. Rub my eyes a bit. "Whats going on what do you need?"
"Nothing, you're doing good work."
I've been here 18 months. I am the best at my job. I only do about 2 hours of work a day.
In sophomore year of high school I asked my friend to borrow his phone to text my mom. I went to his setting and changed "haha" to auto correct to "SHUT UP!!" (lame, I know.)
Anyways during my freshman year of college we were texting and catching up and he sends me "SHUT UP!!" then followed it up with "sorry my phone has done that forever. Idk how to make it stop".
I completely forgot about my little prank but damn it made me laugh to see he never fixed it.
I had a friend in college who left his phone out unsupervised a lot. I eventually learned his password by watching him unlock his phone (it was one of those 9 dot passwords.) I set a few alarms on his phone to go off on Saturday morning at 4am. I set them up for months or years ahead and would include a message like, "Remember, (my name) loves you".
We were in the same program, so we shared classes for five years. Having him come into class annoyed at me was always hilarious since I had forgotten about them by that time. The fun went away when he got a new phone. Haha
Fruit Loops And Cancer
I told a 6 year old that his favorite cereal, Fruit Loops, would give him cancer because of all the red dye in it. 14 years later at 20 years old he still won't touch them for this reason.
The Ultimate Rick Roll
My sister has drop tile ceilings in her basement. I have put a cheap burner cell phone in that ceiling, so it's under her main floor. I downloaded never gonna give you up as the ring tone and every once in a while I call it. When I visit, I take the phone out and charge it and then put it back. I hope she never figures it out.
Pancake Mold Is Beautiful
I convinced a couple of friends that I collected pancakes. I do collect things, but not that!
Nevertheless, they were riding home from a party with me and both were feeling extremely bummed out by something that had happened there. So I started talking about my pancake collection: how I kept the interesting ones whenever I was served pancakes and took them home and kept them in trunks. I would take them out from time to time to admire them, I told them, especially the pretty colors and patterns in the mold.
Let's just say they stopped thinking about themselves. But they didn't call me on it, and I never broke character or ever mentioned it was a joke.
Months down the line I started a relationship with one of them and she confessed, long after, that at one time she'd searched my apartment for the trunks. ;-)
The Scottish Reveal
I spent an entire semester in college pretending to be Scottish, but only in my theater class. It was the last class in my block for that semester, so on the first couple days I studied the faces of all my classmates to be sure no one was in both my theater class and any other. I told everyone I was from Dundee, Scotland (a city I've been to a couple times/ my old exchange student lives there) and spent a lot of time practicing the accent. On the last day of class before the exam we gave group presentations. I made sure my group was last, and after we gave our presentation I followed up with my reveal.
I only did it to see if I could, and I did.
The Red Dot
My cats don't know that I control the red dot.
My senior year of high school I had the whole school convinced I was color blind. Not red/green color blind or anything like that, like 100% black and white was all I saw. Nobody could prove me wrong and it just kinda became my identity as "the color blind guy." Then on the last day of school I told everyone, and they were all so mad.
Then I did it again when I started working at my current job. Got transferred recently and told everyone at my old store on my last day, same reaction. Kept that one up for about 2 years. Absolutely worth it both times.
Every year when I get my property tax bill for the vehicles, I set up an auto-withdraw weekly for that amount divided by 52, headed to an online savings account. I never notice the $17/week gone, and the next year's property tax is lower as the value decreases. Come December when I get the next bill, I suddenly have $200 extra.
Yeah, I'm conning myself into saving for Christmas, but whatever works.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.