These are dark times we're in. Logging on any day of the week leads to bleak news and worse outcomes. Occasionally, we need something lighthearted and funny to get us through. Fortunately, we have friends on the internet with a treasure trove of hilarious tales to help us pass the quarantine time.
Reddit user, u/FreakyChickenMeti, wanted to hear something to brighten their day when they asked:
We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he's a virgin.
Mr. S is a vegan
It's 7th Grade. All You Can Do Is Cry.
At 7th grade basketball practice we were running laps and had to dodge the volleyball net stands still standing. One girl was so busy chit chatting with her buddies facing her head back to her friends that she didn't dodge the net stand and collided with such force she was launched back a few feet and all she could do was cover her face and cry in embarrassment.
Not Even Cats Enjoy Them
My old cat ate some of my dry cornflakes and promptly spat it back out into my bowl. I laughed so hard I choked on a flake and honest to god thought I was going to die with tears in my eyes and one soggy cat saliva cornflake in my full depression meal
Right Next To It
I was frisbee golfing with buddy (way better than me). In frisbee golf you try to throw the disk into a basket on a pole, about 1m in diameter. My buddy landed his disk on the [ground] pretty much next to the pole. On his turn he just grabbed the disk and tapped the basket with it (reasonable, too short distance to throw).
I said in a smarta-- manner that you're supposed to throw the disk into the basket, not place it. So he angrily picked the disk up, and chucked it into the basket.
Except he missed.
While standing next to the basket.
I had to sit down.
The Intent Was There
this will probably never get seen but hear me out...
But first some context. I am from Kosovo and 80% of the people in this country don't know how to speak even 2 words English.
Last year I went into my first year of high school, and in my English period we had to presentate ourselves and tell our morning routine. as we start to presentate and tell our morning routine, till it comes to a boys turn (lets call him Jack). Jack starts to presentate himself to the classe and starts to tell the class his morning routine, he starts it with (in terrible english) "every day, I wake up and wash my ass" then he realized what he said and correct himself with "ehhh ehhh i kiss my ass". at this point even the 62 year old teacher is bursting into tears and it took over 5 minutes for the class to calme down, and then my best friend how doesn't know a single thing in English stops as asks me "what he say". at that point i could handle myself i laughed so hard that i cried about 5 minutes.
till this day i will never forget that moment.
Got The Sleepover Giggles
I was at a sleepover and It was that akward bit where youre trying to sleep but are very aware of how awake you both are and my friend pokes my shoulder and shows me his phone. I don't know if it was the sleep deprivation or the sugar, but its a picture of a dog from an upward angle thats kinda blurry and it says "bruh" under it and that sh-t was so funny.
We both laughed until we cried and it still gets me every time.
I was in Nathan's eating a hot dog with a friend. And he said in a condescending deadpan tone "look at this clown" and gestured for me to look over my shoulder. I was expecting to see someone doing something idiotic.
It was an actual clown standing in line waiting to order.
I started crying from the laughter.
"TL;DR: Farts and overtired people lead to a lot of laughs."
I was talking with a friend in the basement of the dorms really late at night. We were the only ones in the room and were both interested in the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone walk in and go to the ladies' room.
A few moments later we had a little lull in conversation. That is the moment that we heard the loudest fart I've ever heard. We could hear it through the door it was so loud.
My friend and I were laughing so hard that I had I had tears coming from my eyes. We were trying not to be too loud so that the person would hear is, which made everything even more funny. For the next twenty minutes, I couldn't even look at my friend without bursting out laughing all over again. I had to leave the room to get a hold on myself.
TL;DR: Farts and overtired people lead to a lot of laughs.
And We Might Never Know...
One day, a few years ago, my dad and I were driving from our town to the next town over. The road to get there is super windy and curvy through the mountains. We come up behind a truck hauling about 6 port a potties. At this point, the road gets REALLY windy. So, as we're watching, from a distance behind, the truck driver takes the curve too fast and one of the port a potties flies off the trailer and tumbles end over end across the road into the ditch.
I still to this day don't know if they had been emptied or not. My dad and I had a good laugh.
It's a very good thing no one was driving the opposite way though! Could you imagine being taken out by a flying port a potty?
Every Boy Has Done This At Least Once With Something Powdery
My friend another friend and I were sitting on a bench and I don't know why but we took grape sugar or dextrose (idk how you really call them but it was from Dexxtro Energy) made it into power and sniffed them up our nose (we were 13 or 14).
So there was this woman with her kids and my friend sniffed the grape sugar/dextrose and began to scream a bit. I never saw a more disgusted and afraid look while she took her kids and pulled them right next to her. I do kind of feel sorry about it but it was so funny.
Just A Wonderful Series Of Wobbly Events
My family's country home is on a river that doesn't allow motorized boats and there's a camp ground about 1/4 mile down river.
So me, my uncle, dad, and cousin are sitting by the fire pit and we hear some guy come screaming up the river on a John boat with a 5hp motor on the back. The river was high due to snow melt from late winter early spring so it was hiding a big rock that usually pokes up through the water.
This dude comes SCREAMING up river and the prop clips the rock and the motor falls off the back and right into the water. The guy is obviously fuming pissed off and jumps into the freezing cold water (again it was late March/early April and anyone who knows the East Branch of the Delaware River knows it's cold as sh-t even in August).
Believe it or not the guy fishes the motor from the bottom of the river tosses it back on the boat and with 2-3 pulls it starts right up and b-lines it back to the campground.
Still one of the all time hilarious stories from upstate.
In Biology, we have these lab desks that seat two people and cover your feet. I was sitting in the back end, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the kids taking off his pants. That's when the teacher decided she would roam the room as she gave her lecture. She finally reached this kid, who was frantically trying to put his pants back on, and he was caught red-handed. The vibe in the class and this pant-less kid was were one of the funniest and most random moments I have ever experienced.
Throw Some Rights And Some Straws
This drunk dude at a bar was telling a group of us that there was a guy sitting in a chair outside staring him down. Our friend had poor eyesight, and it didn't help that he was piss drunk, but he was absolutely convinced that the guy outside wanted to fight him.
We looked outside onto the patio area, and sure enough, there was a "guy" in a chair with an evil look on his face, facing the window to the bar. I should also add that this was close to Halloween, and the "guy" sitting in the chair was a stuffed scarecrow with a pumpkin for a head, with a mean face drawn on it.
We almost let our friend loose on the thing, but it was hilarious watching him rant how he's going to kill the guy, and to watch his back because the scarecrow probably had friends with him.
The Mouth On That Girl
There's a brewery in my neighborhood. It's one of those "cool" places where people bring their dogs and their kids.
Funniest sh-t I've ever seen was a 7 or 8 year old girl playing Battleship against the bartender, but with no ships down.
"Damn it, again?"
He Literally Ran With It
A guy was sprinting down the hall in college, obviously in a hurry. Well, there was a floor mat right before the stairs at the end of the hall. The mat slipped as soon as he ran on it so he lost his balance but because he has momentum he KEPT ON RUNNING up the stairs, trying to catch himself. SOMEHOW he recovered and just ran out of the building. I could not handle it
And That's How You Cover
At work in the lab one day, a senior coworker is up on a ladder and tries to pull a 60lbs power supply unit that costs $70000 out of the rack we were repairing. Thing falls 7 feet, annihilates a table and another 35k with of equipment and slams on the floor. Coworker looks down from his perch and says, "Cha Cha real smooth" and goes back to work. I f-cking lost it.
(I work for a multi billion dollar defense company that had about 50 replacements in the back room. No big deal. But his absolute do-not-give-a-f-ck response nailed me.)
Once, during college, a group of us saw two blind people walk into each other, and one bounced off and landed in a trashcan. Obviously, this was a shock to both, and the trash can blind person shouted "What are you blind?!", which was met with a very apologetic "...Yes?"
I will never laugh that hard again. Hell, I'm laughing at it again now just typing this.
Justice Is Swift
We had a power outage at work, so they decided to send us home early. The daughter of the firm's president was your stereotypical spoiled rich girl, and was probably a size 10 but was squeezing her a-- into size 8 pants because she couldn't accept she wasn't a single digit size.
She got excited about going home and did a high kick. Her pants split from her knee all the way up the back of her a-- with the most cartoonish RRRRRRIIIPPPPPP!
The look of shock and embarrassment on her face was worth the price of admission.
I was laughing so hard I fell on the floor. My abs hurt the following two days.
Tom & Jerry Could Never Come Up With Something So FunnyGiphy
This kid was bugging my friend so she lunged at him like she was going to attack him. He turned to run and ran face first into a pole. She started laughing and turned to run away because the teachers were headed our way and ran face first into another pole. Both ended up in the nurses office with matching bloody noses and I laughed so hard I had an asthma attack.
Rules Are Rules
Principal of our middle school became fed up with the Circle Game kids were playing (game where you make a circle with your fingers and hold it below you waist so if you convince someone to look at it you get punched).
Principal holds up his fingers in the exact position as the circle game and yells at the the entire cafeteria, "YA SEE THIS!? THIS IS NOT OKAY!"
Random student: "Mr. [Redacted], does this mean you're going to punch all of us?"
Room goes silent.
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