Man Discovers His Girlfriend Has A Completely Different Life While Ring Shopping
I knew nothing about her.
A key aspect of being in a romantic relationship is honesty. You have to open up to someone and let them in, see all sides of your life, know the parts of your past that no one else does. You can't have a relationship with secrets anymore than you can have a house with locked doors.
Reddit user, u/throw212awaay, shared his story about one of those times when a door was opened for him and asked for advice:
I have been dating the most amazing woman for the past year and a half. I have been in puppy love before, the kind where they're all you can think about and you smile when you think of them - and we have that too- but she has also brought to me the joy of being together but not together (that magnificent way you can just be and be alone in the same room- her reading a book, me doing a project) and really knowing someone (knowing how her mouth crinkles when she thinks, the way the rain makes her feel,all the stories of her childhood, all the little stuff that makes her a person ). At least I thought I did.
I was shopping for a ring and had been dropping hints that made her smile and we would plan this little suburban life- a deck with a grill, a goofy puppy, a piano. We talked about baby names and vetoed ones, we have the joke names Trevor and Trevina. We'd pick out paint colors and flooring at Lowe's and giggle like idiots. I was 100% confident, I just hadn't chosen a ring, you know,she didn't want a diamond but didn't know what she does want.
Then I got a fb message today from some guy. He said that he was her brother-in-law and that she had blocked him on fb but could I please pass along a wedding invite and it would mean a lot if she was there.
I pressed for more details and it all came out. She was married before to a guy named Brendan and they had a little boy, Sam- she told me before she didn't like that name. The son died in a car accident and afterwards They had an ugly divorce and she cut ties. 5 years of her life, I never knew about and I don't know if I ever would've. I think she was never going to tell me.
I've felt sick about this all day. Made up an imaginary sickness to sit and think by myself and I feel paralyzed by it. This morning I knew her and now I don't. I don't even know how to bring this up or what. I definitely can't go buy the ring and pretend. At the same time, I want to be with. I am hurt but know that was horrible, that she went through something unimaginable but I don't know what that means for us. Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
I just don't know. Help?
tl;dr I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I've been ring shopping. This life includes a first marriage and a child who passed away. i am stunned.. Advice?
Start The Honesty TrainGiphy
Show her the message, and gently ask her about it.
Losing a child is awful and everyone mourns in their own way. Perhaps she would have told you after you guys were officially engaged. Or when you were going to seriously try for a baby.
It's not about you, OP, and I really doubt you are just a distraction. You still know her.
Seriously, stop thinking about it, and just talk to her.
Maybe It Was NothingGiphy
I think you may be slightly overreacting.
It sounds like she had a pretty tough, emotional time that maybe she isn't ready to share with anyone.
Just because you were in ring shopping mode, doesn't mean she has to talk to you about her deepest emotional feelings of loss. I mean, imagine - you've lost your child and then your marriage falls apart, that's life changing.
I suggest you mention it and see what comes of the conversation. I doubt she was trying to hide anything from you.
Reflect On Your ChoicesGiphy
she told me before she didn't like that name
Completely understandable after what happened, and I'm 100% positive she would never want any of her future kids to be called that name.
Anyway, you need to talk to her about this. Don't make it about you e.g. by asking things like 'why didn't you tell me? How could you not mention this to me'.
Her past contains a lot of hurt, and shutting it out of her life is one way to get over it and move on (same like everyone here recommends to go no contact after a breakup).
Ask yourself this. If your gf had told you all of this herself earlier in your relationship, would it have been a big deal and would you still love her and want to be there for her?
If the answer is yes, you would want to still be with her, then you need to work on how to be understanding.
If you can show her that you still love, support and trust her, even when you know her deepest, darkest secrets, then your relationship will only grow stronger.
Don't Be Another Pity Party
You need to sit and talk to her.
You also need to keep in mind that when a parent loses a child everyone they know (close and distant) will feel sorry/pity them. Maybe your the one person in her life who doesn't look at her with pity in their eyes. Doesn't skirt around certain issues.
Like it or not certain occurrences forever alter how we interact with people and for once she just wanted something normal, something she had before the loss of everything.
She could have also had bad reactions from past partners when she told them this and she didn't want to jeopardise what you had. Then the longer she left it the harder it became to bring up.
There's also the third option that's she denying it ever happened, even to herself. Its a known coping mechanism. If that is the one she is using then it will eventually catch up with her. You can never outrun your past, as you're seeing now.
It's not right to lie for so long to someone you plan to spend your life with but in this case it is understandable. No one can understand how it feels to loose a child unless you have lost one yourself.
Be kind when you raise the issue. Don't allow any temper into the conversation and allow her to get it out as she needs to. Please don't force her to answer all your questions unless she is ok to do so.
Remember, It's Only Half About YouGiphy
Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
This is extremely concerning to me. Why would you think this? You think this is about you? Is this something she does?? What, have a kid, that kid dies and then she has a horrible divorce? Yeah, I'm sure that's just "what she does". Jeez dude. I know you're shocked, but take a step back for a minute.
Think It Through
Okay, this is the sort of deception you can work through with help, given that we all understand that a loss of a child will, well, f-ck you up for lack of a better turn of phrase. I can understand wanting to lock that away from yourself, which it seems like she did.
Take the space you need to approach this rationally, since it seems like you haven't talked to her. From there, you can evaluate if this is workable or not.
Be Prepared For The EndGiphy
Some people go through something so traumatic that they need a restart in life.
Move to a new place, make new friends, make new love, and block out the past.
The death of a child definitely counts as one of these. She obviously does NOT want to think about this, or deal with it at the moment.
I'd be very careful on how you broach the subject with her. If you go after her angry or as a victim don't be surprised at being dropped. You need to get over your hurt feelings and think about this from her point of view.
Maybe Let It Go?Giphy
On one hand I can see why your is steamed OP.
On the other I can see a mother who's life imploded in the worst possible way and likely has no desire to relive those event again in any way.
I'm a parent and I can't even comprehend what it would be like to lose my child. I can't even try and think of what that would feel like.
I wouldn't confront her about this. I would pass on the invitation, I would let her know that I would be willing to listen, and hold her, if she wants to share her past. I would also have a question, Will her past impact our future or is there anything we/you/me could do to help ensure it doesn't?
Some People Just Need To Run Away
Oh, man. What a situation.
You are probably not a distraction, and this is probably not "something she does." This is not okay, not by a long shot, but it could honestly be that she was hoping to just outrun the grief. To not have it be part of her anymore.
When you go through something awful, it's a lot easier, sometimes, to only be around people that don't know about it. Rudyard Kipling even wrote a poem that talks about this--the lines
There is knowledge God forbid / More than one should own
always suggested to me something that I learned as a teenager--sometimes when people know you've been through Hell, when they look at you, Hell is all they see. It holds you there. It makes it really hard to outgrow the horrors of the where-you've-been, when you can see it reflected in people's eyes.
So...from my perspective this was probably not an attempt at manipulation, but instead an attempt to just...not be that person anymore. Not be the grieving mother, not be the injured ex-wife, not be the divorcee whose marriage and relationship with family was shattered (even now, her ex-brother-in-law wants her company! That does not tell me that she is a bad person).
That does not, however, make it okay. Not when the two of you are talking about marriage. She should have told you when you started talking about rings and baby names, and you're not wrong to feel conflicted and maybe a bit angry and hurt about it. Stunned, absolutely.
My advice would be to sit her down and to tell her that her brother-in-law got in touch with you. Don't accuse, don't shout, don't get angry, just tell her that you were told to pass on a wedding invitation, and see how she responds to that. Be calm.
Does knowing that she has lived through this grief make you less likely to want to marry her? Does knowing that she bore and lost a child make you less likely to want to have children with her?
People Break Down The Worst Mistakes Someone Can Make In Their 20s
Once people graduate from high school, a lot of them know what they want to do career-wise, but they may not totally know where they want to go or who they want to be.
And while the twenties are the time to figure that out, there are some ways that people can really mess up their future if they aren't careful about how they spend their time.
Redditor KadduUltimate asked:
"What is the worst mistake one can make in their 20s?"
Know Your Worth
"28-year-old here. Best advice. Learn to actually enjoy your surroundings."
"But the absolute best advice I can give. You're an adult now. You are allowed to make boundaries and stick to them. Unhappy with something? Leave or fix it. I gave up way too much time feeding into useless issues."
"Oh, and smile more. People seem to like people that smile."
Think Through Parenthood First
"Having a kid."
"As someone who didn't have kids, and watching my peers growing up and the lives they lead and how hard they have it... wait forever. It's bliss. Plenty of money left over for savings, retirement, and vacations."
Learn How to Invest
"Not the worst mistake, but if you haven’t yet, open a ROTH IRA and start contributing… compound interest is a thing."
"Spend time with your parents while they and you are young! Don’t get so caught up in doing absolutely everything all the time that you forget the people who got you to that point. They, too, are racing time."
Watch Out for College Debt
"Do not incur a mortgage-size debt in college tuition."
"You might be forced to continue taking classes to keep from starting the payment clock., while you also incur more debt. Also, you can't use bankruptcy to remove it."
"Instead, learn a trade: bring trade schools back. learn more about who you are and what you are interested in before taking on another lifetime commitment thing the boomers screwed up for us because 'screw you, they got theirs.'"
Watch Out for ANY Debt
"Credit card debt. Took us forever to get everything square after many dumb decisions and opening of multiple cards in our twenties."
Expensive Items Don't Bring Happiness
"Signing a commitment for a high-priced place to live or car."
"Too many young kids believe they deserved fancy and nice, especially to impress others, and they end up scraping for dollars because of it."
Giving In to Societal Pressure
"Thinking they have to start their whole life and career and be a homeowning family by 30... or be viewed as lazy, or my personal favorite, as 'wasting their potential.'"
Love Doesn't Have to Be Rushed
"You and your partner are going to change so much between age 20 and age 40, neither of you will be the same people, and divorce is almost guaranteed."
"Wait until you're done with school and/or established in your careers."
"Brush your teeth guys! And floss! The money needed to fix teeth is staggering in most places. Not even just the US!"
"Brush and floss twice a day! You'll be so thankful you did!"
"Going to jail. Don't break the law, kids."
Life Continues After Your 20s
"Thinking you’re supposed to peak in your 20s creatively, emotionally, sexually, and professionally."
"My 30s were when I learned that my 20s didn’t define me. My 40s have been f**king incredible. Hang in there."
"Actively neglected my health in my 20s to maintain employment. Now my knees and elbows crack very loudly and it hurts when they do."
"Also, not all wounds are visible. I thought I was perfectly fine when I was 22. I thought everything was temporary. Holy f**k was I wrong."
Don't Forget 'Back to the Future' and 'The Terminator'
"If you're a kid, the time cops will let you off with a warning, but as soon as you're older, any fluctuation in the continuum gets you 8 cycles in the penumbra."
"In your 20s, you're just not going to have the intuition to avoid causing ripples. Just wait until you're 30 and your chrono-mentor approves you for your first jaunt."
It's Not an All-Or-Nothing Situation
" I think it’s important to remember that even if you screw up and make some bad choices in your 20s, you can still recover."
Just like how some people think that high school is the ultimate time of their lives, others feel this pressure for every important detail of their life to take place in their twenties.
But the twenties are just the years where people figure out who they are and set the stage for the rest of their lives. They should be lived responsibly and safely, but they don't have to be taken seriously all the time, either.
We get it, we're all super busy, and sometimes it's really hard to get all the chores done around work and living our lives.
But there are appliances we can have in our home, like a dishwasher, that can make those chores much more convenient.
However, they could really ruin our day, too, if we use them incorrectly.
Redditor Loud-Situation2643 asked:
"What should never go into the dishwasher?"
Can This Go Without Saying?
"The toilet brush! I read a story here about somebody that does that regularly."
"That’s disturbing. I had a landlord tell me to put my cat’s litter box in the dishwasher weekly to keep the cat smell down. I did not take her up on that advice."
"Your toilet brush. My friend found out the hard way her housemate was doing this WHILE DOING THE DISHES."
"Fish. I worked apartment maintenance and a lovely old couple ruined, like, three dishwashers in a row by using them to steam fish. Very gross, considering the pre-wash cycle uses the gray water from the last cycle."
"Smelled pretty bad, too."
"I'll admit, we run some knives through, but only the crummy ones. The good ones, NEVER, and ideally those are hand-washed right away after use and not left to sit with anything on them."
Cast Iron Accessories
"I found a La Creuset Dutch Oven on clearance sale at crate and barrel of all places. I immediately bought it. Still, a lot of money to spend, but it was the best purchase I ever made for my kitchen."
"I fully understand why people pass these down from generation to generation. It’s in amazing condition for the number of times I’ve used it. And it’s dishwasher safe!"
"I still hand wash mine, because it’s like a child to me, and I don’t trust my partner to handle it! I always said I’d be a chef if I didn’t love what I do right now. So the fancy kitchen stuff I have always gets hand washed."
"P.S. their website says it’s dishwasher safe, but they recommend a hand wash for longevity and because the enamel can eventually wear down in a dishwasher."
Also, Wooden Kitchen Accessories
"Wooden Cutting boards."
"This is one of my luxuries in life. Using a machine to wash your wooden spoons will shorten their life by a lot. Hand washed and well cared for a wooden spoon will last decades."
"A set of bamboo wooden spoons is like $12, so I buy a new set every year or two. $12 to not hand wash every night? Yes please."
Liquid Dish Soap. Enough Said.
"My daughter did this once, WOW, what a soapy disaster."
Also, Laundry Detergent
"When I first moved into my own apartment, my mom gave me a sandwich bag full of about a dozen detergent pods as a 'These will help you start off on your own' gesture."
"The first night of living in my own apartment, I fired up the dishwasher. 20 minutes later while playing video games, I noticed this wave of suds moving toward me from the kitchen. When I say a wave, I mean it. I have never seen so many d**n bubbles."
"That’s how I learned my wonderful mom gave me both dishwasher detergent pods AND laundry detergent pods in the same sandwich bag. I had a 50/50 odds and boy did I lose, lmao (laughing my a** off)."
"Needless to say, this happening on my first night living on my own had me questioning what I was doing, and if I would be better off living in my mom’s basement for the rest of eternity."
We Need a Storytime for This One
"The part of the blender that says, 'Do Not Immerse.'"
Protect the Detailed Glassware at All Costs
"All my PRETENTIOUS fancy brewery glasses. Those designs are staying where they are."
"I put a printed shot glass into the dishwasher that was part of a set. It came out clean all right, picture completely dissolved."
That Would Be Terrible
"Your secret cash stash."
Ew ew ew.
"Mashed potato residue. Oh my god, it gets on EVERYTHING. Especially if the chunks are too large to fit through the filter. It just sits in the water and coats everything."
For the 'Friends' Fans Out There
"Paper, snow… A ghost!"
"I found out recently, you aren't supposed to put your girlfriend's collectible Starbucks cups in there."
Reddit's Got Jokes
"As a new father, I wish you'd told me earlier."
And Feathered Jokes
"Who are you that you are so wise in the ways of science?"
While dishwashers were invented to make our lives a little bit easier when it's time to wash the dishes, there are some items that, when placed in there, could really ruin someone's day.
People Describe The All-Time Best Episodes Of Television They've Ever Seen
TV enthusiasts could argue that shows on television are a more compelling and superior form for media entertainment.
A story arc can be played out to its fullest potential without shortchanging the audience with a two-and-a-half hour duration of a film.
While movies are in their own category, TV shows–including short miniseries–can engage an audience over a span of seasons as long as there is more stories to tell.
Some TV shows break away from the formula and can feature anthology–or standalone–episodes that are impressive in their own right.
Whether it's a featured independent storyline or a memorable moment within a show's season, Redditor stevenpost asked:
"What's the greatest episode of a tv show ever made?"
These comedic shows offered up plenty of memorable laughs.
From "The Simpsons"
"Marge v. the Monorail"
That Dark Mockumentary
"What we do in the shadows - 'On the Run' (the Jackie Daytona episode)"
Such A Snakehole
"The snake juice episode of Parks and Rec."
"The scrubs episode with Brendan Frasier. I didn't know a 22 min show could make me cry."
This classic TV show still resonates with newer viewers.
It's Hard To Choose
"The twilight zone episode monsters are due on maple street"
"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices... to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill... and suspicion can destroy... and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own—for the children and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone."
"Will the real Martian please stand up is also a classic"
"Incident on a small island, to be believed or disbelieved. However, if a sour-faced dandy named Ross or a big, good-natured counterman who handles a spatula as if he'd been born with one in his mouth, – if either of these two entities walk onto your premises, you'd better hold their hands – all three of them – or check the color of their eyes – all three of them. The gentlemen in question might try to pull you in – to The Twilight Zone."
Here are some hauntingly compelling examples.
Based On The Tragic Event
"Chernobyl- Vichnaya Pamyat"
'... they mistakenly sent the one good man. For God's sakes Boris, you were the one who mattered the most.'
"Not the best line of that episode, but definitely in the top."
Shoutout To Firefighters
"It’s difficult for me to pick a 'best episode' from Chernobyl because in my mind it’s possibly the best television ever made from start to finish. Pacing is fast and there’s literally not a wasted shot in the entire series."
"Open Wide, O Earth is my honorable mention episode just for the inclusion of the firefighters. Full-blown body horror that hits even harder because it’s based on stuff that actually happened. The show has lots of excellent horror sequences but the firefighters arc definitely stands out as the most memorable to me."
Picard's Wakeup Call
"The Inner Light - Star Trek TNG"
The Gripping Tracking Shot
"'Who goes there' of True Detective is a serious adrenaline ride. Great episode from a fantastic show."
The Face Off
"Better Call Saul - Chicanery."
One of the best episodes I've seen recently was from the penultimate episode of This Is Us.
After taking a break from watching the show after being overwhelmed with being behind, I was encouraged to keep watching it. I'm glad I did.
Not only did this particular episode profoundly give the beautiful show a worthy send-off, but it also helped me process a lot of emotions as I continue to struggle to deal with a family member living with a cruel mental illness.
Everyone has insecurities.
Be it speaking in public, wearing beach attire, or even one's profession, very few people don't have at least one topic of conversation that is bound to make them red in the face.
Some people are pretty adept at hiding their discomfort and can manage to persevere through their phobias with their dignity intact.
Others are not so lucky and often go to great lengths to hide their insecurities, only to make them even more apparent.
"What screams 'I’m insecure'?"
The Wisest People Are Those Always Willing To Learn
"When people are unable to admit that they don’t know something."- slimytoadsnot listening no way GIFGiphy
Other People's Success Are Not Your Failures
"Mocking someone else's achievement."- SuvenPan
Never Pick Yourself Up By Taking Others Down
"Belittling others."- Term-Haunting
"Always talking badly about others and trying to make them look weak/bad."- PildithThe Simpsons GIF by MOODMANGiphy
Maybe Honesty Isn't Always The Best Policy...
"When you're quick to be 'brutally honest' with others, but have a meltdown when someone does it back to you."-eF240uKX52hp
Not As Funny As They Think...
"People who tear other people down as a joke but then get mad when they get it handed back to them."
"Clearly they either aren’t joking or are too sensitive to be dishing out sh*t."- babythrottlepop
Being On Top Adds More Possibilities Of Falling Down...
"Trying to one-up people in every conversation."- Flanky_Bwai
"One upping people in conversation."
"If I tell you I had a great trip to X place, I don’t need to hear about your better trip to someplace else that’s ostensibly 'better'."- I_Am_The_Grapevinekristen wiig television GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
Some Things Speak For Themselves...
"Constantly saying what kind of person you are."
"If you were, you wouldn’t have to tell us."- ubereddit
A Little Contrition Goes A Long Way...
"Making excuses and even twisting the facts but never apologize."- SuvenPan
But Enough About Me, What Do You Think Of Me?
"Constant projection and self-serving compliments."- nhabzLook At Me Kiki GIF by The Bachelor AustraliaGiphy
What Are They Even Trying To Prove?
"Revving your vehicle loudly every time you pass another person."- msnmck
Superior By Association
“'You will address me by my husband’s rank!'”- Psychological-Stay16
"Elaborate Instagram and Facebook posts declaring love for one’s significant other over and over and over."- jbmaunHappy Married At First Sight GIF by LifetimeGiphy
Always Needing Validation
"People who can’t think or feel anything without being told that it’s okay to do so."- Diesel07012012
It's sad that so many people think the only way to overcome something which makes them embarrassed or afraid is by embarrassing or demeaning others.
When being open and honest about your insecurities might, instead, result in your finding common ground with others.
And making new, lifelong friends in the process.