People Who Work In Gun Shops Share The Biggest Red Flags They've Ever Seen

With the news being what it's been lately (and by "lately" we mean for the past several years) the conversation about gun sales and control comes up a lot. We tackle a lot of different angles from a hypothetical perspective - but it's rare that we talk to people who actually sell guns.
Now we are.
Reddit user Claim_to_lame asked:
People who work in gun shops, what are some red flags you've seen that made you deny a sale?
Legally buying a weapon in the United States is shamefully easy - but that doesn't mean there aren't times when a salesperson declines to sell a weapon to someone.
These are some of their stories.
The Consultation
As they were talking with me about various aspects of the purchase they would occasionally consult with the person that was with them. There was no person with them.
Skateboarders
When I was younger, I landed a seasonal position as a gun counter person at a local gun store. I never actually received a training or anything on when and why to deny a sale. We were told to only deny a sale if it was a obvious "Straw-Buy," or a the background check came back as a no-go.
One morning, about 15 minutes after we opened, 2 females enter the shop. They stood at the door for a moment and I greeted them and asked if they needed help. One of them responded that they were looking for a gun for home defense. I said sure we had plenty for that purpose.
I began to show her some handguns and some 20 gauge pump shotguns. We chatted for a minute, but the other woman had not said a word the entire time. The other woman had not even glanced at her the entire time.
I asked if she's ever owned or fired a gun before, and she said no. So I suggested maybe attending some courses we offered right there in the shop. She declined and wanted to pick up a gun that day. She eventually settled on a .22 semi automatic pistol. I tried to explain to her that the .22 LR is a poor choice for self defense. It's actually better for a small game use and not effective for assailants.
I elaborated that while deadly, as any firearm bullet is, it was less likely to be a stopping round unless she was able to land precise shots, perfectly, every time. She argued that the .22 was perfect for what she wanted it for. Whatever, I can't change her mind and it was a fairly pricey 22 pistol, so I was happy to take the commission. As I had her take a seat in our back room and complete a background check, I had begun to box up the weapon.
The quiet woman approached me.
Turned out the woman was her sister and was very against the woman purchasing a gun. She had actually tagged along to try and convince her otherwise. She very quietly told me to not sell the woman a gun because she really wanted the firearm to shoot at some local kids on her street that skateboard near her property.
So THAT'S why she choose the .22. She saw it as a benefit that it was less likely to kill, and I had essentially argued for more reasons for her to settle on the .22. So I made the call, and decided to veto the sale. Luckily for me, she actually checked YES on the line that asks if you have ever been declared mentally defunct. Go figure.
I told the woman that I can't sell her the gun because she filled it out that way and that her owning a firearm would be illegal. So she just left the store, without a further word. Super weird.
Test It On Some People
I can tell you one time when I almost got denied for purchasing a rifle.
It was a bolt action .308 made by savage. The rifle came with a scope, not great but just a little extra over their standard rifle in that package.
The store was over an hour away and so I invited my younger brother to keep me company during the ride. He was 17 or 18 at the time. As I was wrapping up the sale we had friendly banter back and forth with the salesman and I was talking about videos of several men pegging pop cans at 1000m with this gun.
My brother, for whatever stupid reasons I can only attribute to being young and dumb says "yea we need to test it on some people."
Dumbfounded, I just looked at him and I was just thinking, what the hell why would you say that? The salesman was understanding and very kindly replied "you need to be careful with that language I can refuse this sale to you."
I politely apologized and reprimanded my brother for saying something that ridiculous.
- -a---q-p
Problems
I had one guy who was a resident from another state come in and say that he wanted to buy a CZ P-07. I told him I legally can't sell pistols to out of state residents and he got pissed and stormed off. Maybe 20 minutes later he comes back with his brother (who was an in-state resident) and as soon as his brother walks up to the counter he points to the EXACT same gun and says "I want to buy that one!"
He didn't even ask to hold it or look at it first. That's a clear straw purchase. I told them to kick rocks, I'm not going to break the law for you.
I had another guy try to buy a shotgun and answered yes to having been convicted of a felony. I asked him if he was actually a felon (you'd be surprised how many guys accidentally check the wrong box). This fool looked at me and said "yeah, is that a problem?" Dude. Yes its a problem.
Bullet Proof
A friend of mine sold guns at a sporting goods store a while ago. He had to deny a guy a gun sale of an AR-15 because the customer was wearing a bullet proof vest. People don't just walk around with bullet proof vests unless they're looking for trouble.
Evidence
Gun store I worked at had a varied and diverse clientele. Usually that meant that more law abiding citizens were looking to purchase firearms, but the usual wacko or two would come by. The one I remember clearest was the guy who came in and wanted to see only two types of firearms, a pistol grip shotgun and a large frame revolver.
As I was asking him what he wanted those specific types of firearms for, since they aren't really the greatest for home defense or personal protection, he tells me that he wants a revolver because it won't leave evidence at the scene of a shooting. I noped out of that one and told him we didn't have the type of equipment he was in search of. I passed along his name to the local police but nothing ever came of it.
Not Shooting The Wife
I used to work as management in Walmart and as such had to be licensed to do any job in the store, including firearm sales.
There had been many cases of background checks not clearing, which is normal. One that I made a judgment call to refuse, however, was the guy who kept joking that he most certainly was not under any circumstances going to use this .22 rifle to shoot his wife.
You'd get all sorts of rednecks who think they're hilarious while they're gearing up for the next hunting season, but by the third time he brought up not shooting his wife, I just shut down the entire process. Had to have him removed from the building after his breakdown turned verbally aggressive.
- JBP47
The Coming Race War
I almost got through the sale with one guy who wanted to buy a handgun. He was a little jittery and weird, but not quite enough to refuse a sale. But then he started talking about the possibility of the coming apocalypse, and the inevitable race war.
He mentioned how every race has committed genocide at some point. He didn't hate any particular race, but obviously we all have to stick together if it comes down to it. I explained that, despite our matching skin tones, he and I were not on the same page. Our store was not going to provide him with a firearm. He actually left without any argument.
A Manager's Approval
So this man comes in at 9:30, 30 minutes before closing. He has his two kids with him, and both of them look uncomfortable and won't make eye contact. The man is acting a little strange, too, and I feel pretty uneasy about it already, but I chalk all that up to maybe they're just a socially awkward family.
So, as we're doing the paperwork, the man is telling me about his life and what all is going on in it currently. Then he says he's divorcing his wife, and starts complaining about all the things he doesn't like about her.
His kids still haven't spoken a word or looked up, but they're so uncomfortable at this point that they're constantly shifting their arms and legs. I pretend to keep filling out the form while listening closely to what the man is saying. He mumbles under his breath, alllllmost where I couldn't hear him,"sometimes I could just kill her."
I was an 18 year old girl, completely alone on that entire half of the store, and I was flipping out big time inside. I pretended not to hear him, and kept "filling out the form" while actually cancelling it. Then I said "ok I'm at the point where I need a manager's approval for the form to go through. One second and let me get him and get the gun out of the back room."
So I go to the managers' office, and I tell my manager, "There's a man wanting to buy a gun, and I think he's going to kill his wife with it."
He says, "Ok, let me handle it and you stay in here until I come back."
By the time he comes back, it's already half an hour past when my shift ended. He said he had to get the police to escort the man out of the store. I believe that he was arrested but I can't entirely remember since it was a good many years ago.
That memory still scares me, because what if I hadn't have heard him? I was the only thing standing between him buying a gun that night to shoot his wife. I still wonder about what ever happened to them.
Blowback
I used to sell firearms when I was in college. Only a few years ago though. 2016-2018.
There were a few times where I denied people that weren't already denied by the background check. Probably the most absurd was a guy that asked me: "What gun will have the most blowback if somebody comes in my house? I want to see him fly in another room like the movies."
That was an auto-deny from me and contacted my manager. Not sure what happened after that. Usually we would call all the other gun stores in the area (within an hr half drive) and share information.
The ATF Call
A few years back I had a guy come in looking for a semi automatic pistol, he knew exactly what he wanted and after holding it he confirmed that was the one he wanted to purchase. I handed him some paperwork to fill out and instead of taking the pen, he snapped his fingers and this lady came from one of the aisles to fill out the paperwork. This was obviously fishy, so before I denied the sale I asked for his ID to make a photocopy.
I then proceeded to tell him that I couldn't continue with the transaction because it was obvious he was trying to do a straw purchase and he told me that he could do whatever he wanted and that I HAD to sell him the gun.
A little more back and forth continued and I eventually told him if he doesn't leave I was calling the police.
He left and I sent his info to a local ATF agent. Not 20 minutes later I got a call asking for all the info I had on him, when he arrived, when he left and what direction he went.
Turns out the guy was wanted for being a suspect for several murders and they couldn't track him down, hence why he wanted someone else to buy the gun.
30 George Zimmermans
My brother owns a small gun shop. He gets a disturbing amount of people who think that buying a gun grants them some police powers. As in: "OK, I'm going to buy this gun and then head downtown so I can chase off those homeless guys by the Starbucks."
As my brother put it: "I never met George Zimmerman but I've had at least 30 of them come through my store."
Negative Yelp Review
The buyer brought in his 10 year old son with him during our Glock sale day. He was being very discreet around his son, like he didn't want the boy to know he was buying a gun. He asked me to see "a Glock." I released the mag and cleared the G17, and handed him the gun.
He holds its with both hands viewing the side, while pointing in his sons direction, and click - at his son.
I stared dumbfounded for a minute and then said: "You just pulled the trigger and your son is standing right there."
He said "Yeah but the gun wasn't loaded."
I countered by taking the gun back and refusing to sell him a gun unless he took a crash course with our shop instructor. He agreed as long as it would be quick enough where his son wouldn't notice.
We asked him to leave and gained a negative yelp review out of it too.
Sleazeball Boss
I've wanted to deny sales back years ago when I worked at one, but my boss was a sleazeball and wouldn't let me.
Biggest time I wanted to deny? Guy came in, wanted like 12 Phoenix Arms pot-metal $75 little .25 ACP pistols. It was obvious he was going to resell. He also bought a TEC-9 and a KG-99.
I took my boss aside and was like "You're not really going to allow this are you? It's pretty obvious he's going to resell or something. Something definitely illegal is going to happen."
His response: "Pshh you don't know that. There's nothing illegal about buying that many guns."
I knew that but it's still suspect as hell especially with those cheap little pocket pistols. I guess the redeeming thing is even since he passed his background check, he bought more than one pistol in X amount of time (right then and there) so a special form is filled out to be sent to the ATF to check him out as a way to help stop illegal underworld dealers, etc. So I don't doubt an ATF field agent showed up at his place and asked a ton of questions.
Saving His Son
I had come in to my local gun shop/range early to be the first customer because the store gets absolutely slammed on the weekend. A nervous looking older gentleman is also outside waiting. I can tell something is off about him. I enter and start talking to the salesman, and the other guy is hovering. My curiosity is peaked. The salesman starts talking to him and I can only make out certain parts. "Yes we know,.... its been passed down to everyone.... you don't need to worry sir... he will not purchase one from here...."
And then I figured it out. This poor father was trying to keep his suicidal son from buying a firearm.
He looked like he was ready to break down in tears. The salesmen all understood the issue and were very kind. As a father I just wanted to hug, or pat on the shoulder, and tell him he was doing the right thing. He left the store to go to another firearms store. His eyes were watery. This man loved his son, and was about to go to every place around and ask them not to sell to his son. It hit my black heart in the little feels it has.
Mom Vs. The Salesman
Not an employee, but a customer.
I had decided to join the trap team at my high school along with my friends. I was only 15 or 16 at the time, so my mother came along to actually buy the shotgun for me.
We go in, look around, consult the employee, and decide on a Benelli supernova (fantastic all purpose gun if anyone is looking). My mom fills out the 2a, passes the background check, and is about to pay when the employee (who's been helping us the entire time) says "Sorry I can't sell you this gun. Buying it for your son would be considered a straw purchase, which is illegal."
After we argue back and forth a little bit, the owner of this small mom and pop shop comes out and asks what the trouble is. The employee tells him the situation, at which point the owner informs in a scolding-type or manner that it's perfectly legal for a parent to purchase a gun for their children as long as they live in the same house.
The employee, slightly embarrassed, finishes up our purchase and we got the gun. I don't blame the employee, in fact I admire him trying to do the right thing, but I was a little frustrated with the confusion and delay. I still frequent that store and have had no further problems. Definitely one of my favorite gun shops as the employees are very knowledgeable and friendly, and have a big husky that's always a treat to pet!
This Sale Fail
Not a buy but an attempt to sell a gun.
I spent lots of time at gun shops and shows. Once at a gun show, a dealer who was a friend told us to watch the action toward the front.
A young man had come to his table looking to sell a gun. This was a pricey high end pistol and the guy was looking for just $200 out of it. For reference, it was worth more like $2000.
Dealer probes a little about how the young man had obtained this gun, but got lots of vague "I bought it last year" sorts of answers. Dealer says he cannot afford it. And as soon as the young man walks away, he flags over one of the police officers at the show. We watched as the police verified the gun was stolen and were arresting the young man.
- debbieae
"Just Wait"
My boss was finishing the background check and decided to let the customer and his friend test fire in the range while they wait. They pass the check, but as he goes into tell them, he overhears them saying things like, "Ya, he's gonna get what's coming to him. Just wait, he's dead the next time I see him."
Boss pretended the check didn't FAIL, but that the problem is on the checkers' end. They'll have to come back tomorrow.
As soon as they leave, boss called the cops and every other dealer in town to warn them. Cops picked the two guys up later that day.
- palauni1
"Shotty"
Almost. Didn't have to actually deny the sale though. Would have if I got the opportunity, but it didn't get that far.
Him: "I need a gun"
Me: "... what kind?"
Him: "Shotty"
Me: "They're on the rack over there"
**5 minutes later**
Him: *sets gun on counter, displays wad of cash. Hands me $400* "here"
Me, declining the money: "actually, we need you to do a background check first"
Him: "what's a background check?"
Me: "basically we check for any felonies or other things that would prevent you from owning a gun."
Him: *immediately leaves*
Home Defense
Some meth head came in asking "whats your most deadly revolver?"
I then said "is it for home defense?"
and he did the classic movie cliche "uhhh yeah... home defense."
Denied the sale right away.
Ranch House Or Town House
At a gun show in Texas. I wanted a new carry gun, so I was browsing the handguns when a couple next to me decide they want a nice Kimber 9mm. And why not? It's a great-looking gun. They start to fill out the paperwork, and get into a HUGE fight with each other about which address to use. Both are in Texas, so no out-of-state issues.
The lady behind the counter is trying to tell them to just pick one, it legitimately does not matter, but they get angrier and angrier about whether to "register" it to the ranch house or the town house. The lady tries to explain that there is no registry and it could not, ever, possibly matter, when the guy gets so frustrated he screams at the counter lady, "THIS IS TOO GODDAMN DIFFICULT JUST TO BUY A F*CKING GUN!"
She suspends the sale, tells the guy he's obviously of the wrong temperament to own a firearm, hopes he doesn't have others, and calls security.
The wife is now angry that they're NOT buying a gun, and I wanted to tell her that based on the scene I just saw, someone is saving her life or his and keeping the other out of prison.
Do Not Pass Go
I've overheard a co-worker working the firearms department be asked, "I need to see if it fits in this backpack first."
A school backpack.
Cue me standing behind him and waving at my co-worker silently with that "Do not pass Go, do not collect $200" wave you do with your hands kinda crossing, shaking my head, mouthing 'No no, HELL no'.
He didn't get sold anything, and the store owner alerted the ATF and FBI after we briefed him on what happened. No idea what happened to him, but CCW or not, he wasn't getting a gun from us.
The human body is truly amazing. It's resilient, it can create antibodies to fight off infections, and it comes in all shapes and sizes.
There are some awesome facts about the human body, like that no two people have the same fingerprints.
However, there are also some creepy facts about the human body.
Redditors are well aware of this and are ready to share the creepiest facts they know about the human body.
It all started when Redditor MorBot07 asked:
"What creepy fact about the human body do you know?"
I Need To Go Take A Nap
"Too much lack of sleep can cause the brain to "eat itself", cutting connections and making things like alzheimer more probable in later life."
– 89_degree_angle
"nothing has been able to convince me to start sleeping more but i think this comment really did it for me.."
– r0saliaa
Can't Move
"If your spinal cord loses adequate blood supply for a short period of time, you can be temporarily paralyzed."
"The first sign that your spine is "waking up" again is that you regain a specific reflex, where if you squeeze that person's penis or clitoris, their anus contracts. If that happens, it's a good sign."
– AceAites
Just The Right Spot
"A single punch to the chest can stop your heart. A single punch to the gut can rupture your spleen and kill you. A single punch to the face or back of the head can kill you. (the back of the head being less sudden and more noticeable)..."
"Let it be known that, despite all the things we can endure, humans are insanely fragile in many ways you may not even have thought of."
– wolfyfancylads
The Other Side Of Me
"Some people’s organs are on the wrong side of their body, like a mirror image… It’s called Situs Inversus"
– smallCraftAdvisor
"This is true! I actually have this. Partial Situs Inversus. Dextrocardia. It doesn’t harm me just means my heart in on the wrong side so the opposite lung is smaller. Can cause issues when I’m sick but nothing more."
– FlamingArrowheads
My Choice
"There are pregnancy cancers. You can have little baby cell metastases growing in your brain if you decide to have a baby and some of cell multiplier genes go wrong."
– zeratul196
"Add that to the list of why I need bodily autonomy. 😬"
– chubbycat96
Time For A Reboot
"A seizure, despite how terrifying they may be, are your brain's response to the brain equivalent of a runtime error. Something happened that shouldn't have, and your brain is restarting to get everything running smoothly again."
"Source: epileptic since 2003"
– authorStanCrane
Ick!
"When we die, it looks like your fingernails are still growing, but it’s actually just the skin around your fingers shrinking."
– Comfortable-Pin-5769
A Body Is An Ecosystem
"Your body contains just as many foreign cells, i.e. gut bacteria, as your own body cells. These cells produce hundreds of neurochemicals that the brain uses to regulate basic physiological processes as well as mental processes such as learning, memory and mood. Some believe this is the "gut feeling" people sometimes get in certain situations."
– chaoschosen665
Genetics
"I’m currently pregnant with a girl. I’m currently holding the cells that could become my grandchild."
– dreamqueen9103
"Samesies. Every person in existence was once half inside their biological maternal grandmother."
– Magnaflorius
Counterproductive
"I don’t know if it qualifies as creepy.. I’m a nurse, and I’ve always found it interesting how the body attempts to compensate when sick which incidentally tends to lead to you becoming sicker because of how overworked your body is."
– Chowel98
Different Species, One Body
"An estimated 30 trillion cells in your body—less than a third—are human. The other 70-90% are bacterial and fungal. Ninety-nine percent of the unique genes in your body are bacterial."
– AwiiiLama
Uncomprehensible
"If you have a stroke (or other brain injury) that effects parts of the brain associated with speech, you will probably end up with some type of aphasia."
"For example, my “favorite” type of aphasia is Wernicke’s Aphasia; patients can form whole words and even sentences, but they usually make no sense. I had a patient with Wernicke’s Aphasia who would constantly say something close to “we have to rescue the dog(s) from the DMV!” It took me about 30 mins to figure out this person wanted something to drink."
– YayAdamYay
A Whole New Person
"I heard or read once that essentially every 7 years your body has completely regenerated. Of course it's a slow on going process but 7 years from now no cell that's currently in your body will still be there."
– randomradomski
No Changes
"Eyes are the only part of the body that don't grow. Same size when you die as when you were born."
– lookatmypackage
We Are Strong
"You could easily bite your own fingers or tongue off, but (unless you're seriously mentally ill) your brain prevents you from doing so."
– endorrawitch
They say knowledge is power, but I'm not sure I'm better off for knowing of this!
Until we're in a situation, we'll never really know how we'll react.
I have been in this scenario, though.
Sex matters. And people rarely want to admit how much.
But sex isn't a lifetime guarantee.
It fades, as does love.
It's important to speak about it.
It can be a fixable situation.
A relationship without sex may not be the end of the world, but it's definitely a sign that something is off.
Redditor Deviant55 wanted to talk about physical intimacy in relationships, so they asked:
"How important is sex to you in a relationship? Could you be with someone you love even if sex was off the table indefinitely?"
I learned how much sex matters in my last relationship.
Once I wasn't interested, it kind of killed everything.
Forever
"When my wife of 30+ years became too ill for sex to be even remotely interesting for her, I certainly did not end the relationship. I loved her and I took care of her until she died. No other course even occurred to me."
fvillion
Frustration
"When I met my wife we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. This lasted a few years. I was in my mid-twenties when we married. She developed a chronic medical issue. I’ve gone twenty years being sexually frustrated. There are stages and phases to this."
"What I came to realize is that I love my wife. Yes, sex is important in our relationship. But I would rather have her in my life with no sex than have sex without her."
"The thing is, I love her. She can’t help her situation. I can’t help it. One deals with it. Marriage is more than sex. It is building a life and memories, raising a family, and loving each other regardless of the challenges life throws our way. But sex is very important. It helps keep the closeness and the emotional bond. But it isn’t the only thing that does that."
QuietusNoctis
I Love Her
"It is complicated. I am in a near-sexless marriage. The wife needs antidepressants to function. And it kills her libido. So usually it is four to six times a year. My libido rages. And yeah, it sucks. I dream of more sex."
"But I love the chick. She loves me to the moon and back. I’m not willing to sacrifice her love so I can try dating again. Divorce rates these days? And I found a woman who more than tolerates me, she loves me. I’ll stay. And not to be crude but yeah I masturbate. A lot. She doesn’t begrudge me that. Occasionally she even encourages it."
"She went off her meds for a while. And man did we do it. But she was a mess. I need her healthy more than I need a shag. We travel together. We enjoy each other’s company. We actually like each other. I could claim that it is hell, but I choose to see all of the good I am blessed with."
painthawg_goose
Heartless
"Quite important. But I think it depends on where you are in the relationship. I've been married for 10 years. I have kids. If my wife suddenly couldn't have sex with me for some reason -- illness or injury or something -- I'm not divorcing her over it. That's heartless."
"Now, if she just decided we weren't ever having sex again because she didn't feel like it, that'd be different. Or if I was just starting to date someone and they told me they'd never have sex, I probably just wouldn't keep pursuing the relationship. Plenty of people out there who will."
Arkhangelzk
Necessity
"It depends on the circumstances. I LOVE doing it with my man but I love his heart and soul more. If we had to stop having sex for medical reasons or something I’d definitely stay with him and stay faithful. If I was single, I think it’s unlikely I’d start a new relationship knowing it would be sex free."
Fit_Technology8240
Heart and soul is just as necessary and hot and sweaty.
At least a lot of people recognize that.
Percentages
"Sex life is 10% of a relationship when it’s good and 90% of a relationship when it’s bad."
jakovichontwitch
"The other way I've heard it put is that sex is like the bathroom in your house. It's not the only reason you bought the house, but if it's not working it's a big problem."
molten_dragon
Age Related
"50-year-old here married for 27 years. It’s not important. It was important when we were younger but honestly, if sex wasn’t possible I would still love my wife and really nothing about our day would really change."
Kantforall
"I’ve been reading these comments and wishing that everyone’s age was flared on their post because I sense that there are a lot of under-60-year-olds. I am older than my wife but she is starting menopause and I can see the writing on the wall. Not super thrilled but I love her completely and understand. The real intimacy is in how we still (and will always) want to sleep touching each other and waking up next to each other."
caffeinated-hijinx
Kiss Me
"I honestly considered this before. I absolutely adored this guy. It was like a child relationship; we'd kiss and cuddle and hold hands and things, but he wouldn't have sex with me, nor would he commit properly. Any time we came close to sex, he'd go soft or back off."
"I couldn't understand it, wondered if I could keep doing that. My sex drive was wild. Why kiss and the rest but not sex?"
"Then one day he told me he was in love with me and asked me out properly. I said yes there and then, had a wonderful day with him, but when I went home, I was left questioning if I could possibly live without sex. I decided that yeah, I loved him but it would be tough."
"We had sex the next day. So yes, I think I probably could."
Adventurous_Train_48
Touchy/affectionate...
"It's very important. I'm a very affectionate and physical person and touch/caresses and anything physical is one of my love languages. I couldn't function with someone who is the opposite of me or who's uncomfortable with how I am. I already was in a relationship with someone who wasn't that touchy/affectionate and it created frustration for both of us."
Borboleta77
Don't Look at Me
"I am in a sexless relationship. He has erectile dysfunction and I really don't like sex in general. I'm really uncomfortable naked or even vulnerable. I'm shy around him despite the relationship being 10 years nearly, I'm even shy around my family and friends. Everything about sex makes me feel so embarrassed, and I feel nothing but negative feelings when I used to be sexually active. Not through choice of partner, I just hate that sort of attention."
NucularOrchid
Definitive!
"10/10. Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker!"
oeeiae
Sex is important but not everything.
Until it is everything if it becomes an issue.
Good luck couples. Open and honest communication is key.
An important contributor to our overall health and happiness is the quality of our friendships.
We may not have a lot of friends, but the more important factor is the depth of those relationships.
But we've all had one of those friends who turned out not to be a very good friend at all.
Redditor Both-Support-7110 asked:
"When did you realize your 'friends' were just a**holes?"
Putting Them Down
"After I realized that other people don't s**t on each other on every possible occasion in their circle."
"And that it isn't right when a 'friend' uses every known insecurity as an argument against you when you do not behave the way he/she would want you to."
- fobopi9445
"I luckily made a couple of friends that would just be supportive about stuff. So I slowly started talking to them more than my older friends as I saw the disparity between their responses."
"One side purely would be purely judgmental and try and bring me down, and the other would just be excited for me or be there to listen or whatever. Who wants to talk to the former when you have the latter?"
- Universeintheflesh
Using Them as a Convenience
"They only bothered with me when it suited them. I'd rather have nobody than have to deal with that."
- fobopi9445
Trying to Keep Them Small
"When they were nice at first but then cut me out of conversations, telling me not to 'butt in.' A friend doesn't dictate when you're allowed to speak."
- leatherwolf89
"Total a**hole move to have conversations in front of you only to tell you it doesn’t concern you and mean it. . . Like making plans and giving details about how someone like you could be included but specifically telling you not to invite yourself; making plans in front of someone and not inviting them is awful."
- dearlysacredherosoul
Using Them as Entertainment
"She got a boyfriend and would let him listen to our phone calls and not tell me, even if I was crying about personal stuff that I would only ever tell her."
"Then they both started lying to me about my crush liking me back, forcing both him and me into awkward positions (telling everyone we liked each other so they'd play along, swapping places constantly to make us sit next to each other, pressuring him into giving me a lap dance, making him kiss the prettiest girl in the room, etc), and encouraged me to shoot my shot more and more."
"All the while they knew he didn't like me, he had told them both directly. One night, I was crying on the phone because I was so confused why my advances weren't working, and they just kept explaining it away, blaming some other bulls**t reason and telling me to try again."
"The next day, they told me they were laughing throughout the whole call because I didn't get it and I was so upset. I should add I had no dating experience at all and nobody had ever liked me at this point."
- vixayib976
Using Them to Feel Superior
"I didn't have many friends in grade school, but the times the kids actually gave me the time of day, it was to make me 'it' when we'd play tag. That's what I was there for. To continuously be 'it' so they could run away and feel superior. Because they knew I would agree to it no matter what."
- lunayoshi
Having Questionable Morals
"I had a friend that was a very promiscuous girl, I had no issue with that, until I found out she was using me and my innocent personality then, to distract her mom and make her think she was like me."
"Then she used my house as a literal hotel once, with my family here and everything... I knew that was it."
- luffve
Making Fun of Them
"When I made new friends and realized that it's not normal for friends to constantly beat on me and make fun of me."
- vatonef494
Prioritizing Money Over Them
"When they stopped being my friends after I went through a rough financial patch."
- fobopi9445
Becoming Flaky
"I had a group that I was in from 2019-2021. They became a**holes over time, and it took me longer to see that. It was when I failed my psych 101 class (I'm not the best with online classes and tried the best I could) and when they heard about that, they laughed to my face, called me stupid and a failure."
"Early 2022, I met up with them again thinking it would just be a 'listen to this concert for someone we all know and go on our ways' thing."
"My one closer friend offered to drive me and I accepted, and then afterward she joined the group, made eye contact after the concert was done and said, 'bye,' and left with them to the doors. They doubled back and said, 'You can come with us to another town to a friend's place or I can get my mom to drive you home.'"
"I was so overwhelmed and embarrassed that I just went with them to the other town. I called my brother to come to pick me up after an hour, and when he was on his way out, everyone else left. Haven't been into contact with them again after that."
- shortedgyasain
Disappearing When It Counts
"They pretty much abandoned me in a time of pretty intense need. It solidified my decision to leave the area and go do something worthwhile."
- verisimilitu
No Reciprocation Allowed
"When he does s**t to me and acts like it’s no big deal, but then I do the same back, and he gets offended."
- vatonef494
Excluding Them From Plans
"I've got two examples here. One from childhood and one from adulthood. Pick your favorite."
"Childhood: Kid I knew when I was 8 or so. We used to hang out a lot of the time and often played together, doing the usual kid stuff. Then one day, he has to move away because of a change in his parent's financial situation and I was pretty bummed out about it."
"On the last day we were supposed to see each other, he hung out with someone else instead and when tried to join them, he physically shoved me away and told me I wasn't welcome. That one stung."
"Adulthood: When they keep telling me about plans they made and things they did together or wanted to do together, but never bother to invite or include me in any of it. There's one of them I get along with and he'll invite me to things as long as it's just with him, but when he's with the group, he excludes me."
"I remember one example in particular where they were discussing a new site to do some photography and they fell short a man. One of them looks at me like I'm the spare tire in his car and goes: 'I guess you can come with us this one time.', to which another replies: 'Nah, he doesn't want to go. He doesn't like photography.'"
"I told him I was perfectly capable of answering for myself and didn't need him to act as my answering machine, but it lost a lot of impact because he was right. I don't like photography and didn't want to go. I just didn't like being talked about that way."
"Good luck making that clear to them, though. All they heard was: 'If he was right anyway, then why are you b*tching about it?'"
"I no longer hang out with them. I eventually got sick of being treated like the spare guy they can use in case none of the 'main crew' was attending, so I dropped them."
- Kuliari
Terrible Priorities
"In 2006, my then-best friend wanted to go to a big German metal festival. I did not want to go because my Dad had end-stage cancer."
"Dad died on August 8th, a couple of days after my friend returned from the festival. I called him because I needed someone to talk to."
"He very bluntly stated that he had no interest in my Dad's passing but wanted to tell me how great the festival was."
"You can't imagine how disappointed I was. For years, I'd been there for him whenever he got dumped, and the one time I needed a friend, he wasn't there for me. I told him to shut my door from the outside and lose my number."
- fobopi9445
Undesirable Behaviors
"I was 15, we were hanging out in the alleyway behind my friend’s house as we did almost every day after school."
"One girl was there from the year above us and they started prank calling the child protective services emergency line, pretending to be a child in distress, and they all laughed."
"After a few rounds of this, I felt queasy and left. Never hung out with them again. I still feel bad for not saying something or putting a stop to it, but the girl was older and 'cool.'"
- Brasscogs
Taking Advantage of Them
"I've been posting on him recently, he was my former neighbor and friend. We didn't immediately hit it off but after a while, we became good friends."
"I tried helping him out (he's an unemployed single dad of two special needs kids). He eventually saw my kindness as something to take advantage of, so late last fall, he either broke into my house (or enabled someone else to do it for him) and stole money from me."
"When I confronted him about this, he physically attacked me."
"I can't say it doesn't hurt."
- llcucf80
Friendships are incredibly important, but we're unfortunately not meant to be friends with everyone. Some people simply do not turn out to be the friends we thought they were.
We may know that this happens, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
No one wants to be alone.
But that doesn't mean we should settle when it comes to choosing a romantic partner.
When people rush into things without letting love flourish, it could lead to problems down the line that can inevitably lead to difficult breakups.
Those who've learned this the hard way shared their experiences with love when Redditorlastknownstar asked:
"What common mistakes do people make when choosing a life partner?"
Communication is key.
Discussing Life Issues
"Not discussing big life issues: your preference for having kids, parenting styles, deep religious beliefs, career aspirations, significant traumas…anything that may affect how you make decisions together later on."
– AwkwardFortuneCookie
Outdated Notions
"My parents were like this. Dad grew up in a standard midcentury 'men run the house, women stay in the kitchen' family, but Mom came from a long line of domineering southern matriarchs who had their husbands whipped. Dad was naturally a good cook and Mom hated cooking, but once they got married, Dad insisted she make all the food because that's what wives are supposed to do. No warning, total 180 on their relationship up to that point."
"He's learned his lesson and now happily cooks for my stepmom, but man... That's not something you can just spring on your new spouse overnight!"
– shebbsquids
What About Kids
"Having kids is a really big question that absolutely needs to be communicated. I've also heard that it's a topic that would make the man a big red flag if asked early into the 'relationship' as in first date and/or texts are off limits."
"Wouldnt it be a lot nicer to 'speed date' these big topics early on?"
– Leaping_Turtle
These Redditors realized ignorance of financial responsibility in a relationship came at a cost.
Finances
"Finance is the number 1 leading cause of divorce."
"Edit: this popped up in my YouTube recommendation (Is your relationship struggling because of finance? - Dave Ramsey https://youtu.be/XuU7oabGqjk). Google is not monitoring us or anything"
– strangemanornot
Spending Habits
"This is such a big issue in relationships. Knowing each other's spending habits is equally important. My ex would be extremely judgmental when it came to my 'fun money', but when he bought a new TV or a new gaming console, he was not to be questioned on it."
– RewardNo3000
You can't change people.
Fixing Their Flaws
"Thinking, 'I know this person has flaws, but when we're married I can help fix them.'"
– DoctorExtra9060
"Ok marriage isn’t working but if we have kids things will change because it will bring us closer."
– Mrepman81
Parasitic Love
"I personally had this issue dating someone who was as sweet as could be, but not the brightest bulb in the socket, and they relied on me for knowledge on everything from health to history to housework. All perfectly googleable or troubleshootable questions, but always defaulted to giving up and asking mommy the girlfriend for help. Admittedly it was kind of an ego boost to have someone always telling me how smart I was and deferring to my judgement on everything, but that's not what a healthy romantic relationship should be like."
"I thought I could nudge them gently into being slightly more self sufficient, but it only got worse as they grew accustomed to relying on me for every little thing. And of course the flip side was I felt like I could never rely on them when I needed help... I knew I was SOL if I couldn't do everything myself, because I was dragging around a parasite instead of a partner."
"Next time I want to spend years working on a fixer-upper, I'm just going to buy a crumbling Victorian house. It'll cause me less stress in the long run."
– shebbsquids
Taking An Emotional Toll
"I was in a similar boat with an ex, wasn't so much her fault as she had a learning disability and epilepsy."
"Every other weekend we also looked after her kids from past relationships, one of which had autism, and due to my ex's condition she wasn't allowed to be on her own with the kids meaning I had to be there as the capable, responsible adult."
"We were together for just shy of 4 years."
"After she broke things off it took a good few months for me to get used to the fact that I could actually let my guard down, switch my brain off and relax. Without needing to constantly worry that someone would need my help or that I needed to ensure her safety."
"She didn't quite realise the toll it was having on me or the amount of responsibility was on my shoulders. She would constantly suggest things like holidays abroad with just us two and the kids, and all I could think was that it would be far from a relaxing holiday for me as I'd have her and two kids to look after and be responsible for the entire time."
– ShadowSurgeGaming
Managing expectations is key.
Never Settle
"Choosing someone they think they should be with instead of someone they're actually compatible with."
"I feel a lot of people have a picture in their head of who they think they'll end up with and chase that ideal, instead of acknowledging their own personality and aiming for someone compatible with that. Easier said than done, but yeah."
– Viminia7 ·
Importance Of Value
"I talk with my partner about this all the time. We think its important to have shared values not shared interests."
"Yes it’s important to share things you both like to do, but just because your partner likes One Punch Man, like you do, doesn’t mean they are on the same page as you with resolving conflicts."
– scsm
Elvis Presley reminded us that only fools rush in, despite his intense romantic feelings towards his object of affection.
But the wise men he was referring to were on to something.
It's best to ease into things and let love grow, and not force relationships without really getting to know the person with whom you plan to devote yourself to.
If it's meant to be, it'll be worth taking things slow by getting to know a prospective significant other's dreams, what makes them, and their values to see if there is enough chemistry to develop meaningful relationships.