Frustrated Workers Share The Jokes They're Sick Of Hearing About Their Professions
Frustrated Workers Share The Jokes They're Sick Of Hearing About Their Professions
[rebelmouse-image 18350128 is_animated_gif=It feels like everybody fancies themselves a comedian. Everybody has a "witty" retort or barb they think is just the most original commentary since the Bible. And 10 times out of 10 people are wrong. You're not funny and your "humor" is tired. Especially when you're throwing humor at a person's daily career. If the joke is blatantly obvious then rest assured it's been said before.
Redditor _u/itsplanty wanted to know what some "laughs" people are tired of hearing by asking... What dumb joke do you hear too often because of your job? How more customer service people aren't arrested more often I'll never know.
OUR POST OFFICE PEOPLE SUFFER ENOUGH...
When I delivered mail: "you can keep the bills" or some other comment about not wanting the bills.
SHUT UP JOSH!
[rebelmouse-image 18350129 is_animated_gif=My boss' name is Josh, everyday he says, "I'm just Joshing ya!" Every. Day.
THAT'S A LOADED POSITION...
[rebelmouse-image 18350130 is_animated_gif=My title was literally "Package Handler."
I have a friend who is a _"Pipe Layer" _and another buddy who is a _"Load Handler"_ to many jokes.
I was unofficially titled the "fluffer" at my old job. I was really good at taking out the display Christmas trees and making them look all fluffy and pretty.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH!!
[rebelmouse-image 18350131 is_animated_gif="Can you turn off the suck button"
Recording engineer. Haha, I get it, you're not a very good musician, now let's take it from the top because you're ignoring the click.
And the joke that the engineers always make is, "Yeah, that was ok, but this time maybe sing it like it's a record."
HAVE A NICE DAY!
[rebelmouse-image 18350132 is_animated_gif=When I'm taking money at the Drive Thru, WHICH WE ARE TIMED ON, BY THE WAY.
"Oh I already paid."
"No you didn't, it's still on the board. Did you pay with a card or something?"
"Orders up."
"Also I didn't see anyone come over."
"Yeah, but I already paid, so you can just give it to me."
"No, I can't. Where's your receipt?"
Timer starts beeping. We get I think 120 seconds?
"Oh I didn't get it, but I paid."
"Dude. I know you didn't. Just break already."
"Haha, okay, you got me!"
Five cars behind him. 300 seconds on the timer, your food is cold, and I'm pissed.
"Have a good day, buddy!"
Don't waste my time.
Happens once a day.
SO FUNNY. NOT!
[rebelmouse-image 18978182 is_animated_gif=I'm a salesman who's name happens to be Jake.
I hear on a daily basis
"Oh you quit your job at State Farm? Why?"
Or
"Why aren't you wearing khakis?"
I laugh along most times because I want the sale. But I'm always internally screaming. Don't get me started on my last name.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[rebelmouse-image 18978183 is_animated_gif=When i worked Retail,
Me: "Can I get you anything else?" Customer: "Yea, a million dollars"
Now usually i just pulled the fake customer service laugh and let it go, but if it's a cute girl, I once said this...
"We sell mirrors on Aisle 7, I'm sure you'll find it there."
NOT CUTE...
[rebelmouse-image 18978184 is_animated_gif=Teacher giving a test
"Any questions about the directions?"
"What's the answer to #1."
Wanna just walk out of the room sometimes.
I'M ALIVE!!
[rebelmouse-image 18978185 is_animated_gif=Work in a morgue. "Oh people are just DYING to come see you!!" To which I respond _"Obviously. I'm delightful."I also was once asked how things were going in the morgue and I replied "Lively"as it was pretty busy that day. They thought it was so hilarious and now 2 years later they won't let me forget that I referred to a morgue as _"lively" one time.
HOW ORIGINAL.
[rebelmouse-image 18978186 is_animated_gif=My name's Michael and I worked at Michaels. No I'm not the CEO.
HERE'S THE BILL!
[rebelmouse-image 18356123 is_animated_gif=When you're clearing someone's empty plate and ask if they liked their meal. "Oh, no, I hated it!"
Can't believe this hasn't been mentioned yet. I used to hear it literally 10x a day when I was working in restaurants.
#@%#$#%@$@%%$ YOU!
[rebelmouse-image 18978187 is_animated_gif=I'm an operator in a power plant.
"Oh my God are you Homer Simpson lololololololololol! Do you want a donut hahahaha!"
IT'S A SURPRISE.
[rebelmouse-image 18978188 is_animated_gif=Some guy during his abdominal ultrasound: "so is it a boy or a girl??"
cue fake laugh and internal eye roll
I'LL SHOW YOU A GAME...
[rebelmouse-image 18978189 is_animated_gif=Preschool teacher (in sweden).
"Must be nice to just play all day long, right? Hahaha!"
Let's put it this way. You and your SO are sitting in an apartment with 2 bedrooms. Suddenly someone opens the door and 18 screaming three year olds comes running in. Two adults in a small area with 18 children.. How much playing do you think you have time for?
OH KAREN... DROP DEAD.
[rebelmouse-image 18359457 is_animated_gif="Oh look! You're both wearing blue shirts! I guess I didn't get the blue shirt memo!" Oh, Karen. You're hilarious. Go away and stay there.
ACTUALLY IT'S EXTRA...
[rebelmouse-image 18348614 is_animated_gif=If something doesn't scan at the register "that means it's free, right?"
OH NATIONWIDE... :(
[rebelmouse-image 18346733 is_animated_gif=I've had an influx of people moving their insurance from other carriers and they always try to make some witty response about how the company they are with weren't working out for them. For example, if they had Nationwide, I swear to god every single one of them says "Nationwide wasn't on MY side!" Or if they had Progressive, they say something about how Flo didn't use her price checker tool for them or with Allstate they would say they weren't in good hands. (These are just examples)
In reality, though, your prices were increased because you're a shitty driver and think you're entitled to lower rates when you have 3 pages worth of MVR violations.
WE WILL ROCK YOU!
[rebelmouse-image 18978191 is_animated_gif=We engrave stones here at the shop and the number of times I've heard "You guys rock!" or "Hey, it's not like it's etched in stone or anything?", or my personal favorite _"You've spelled it wrong." are mind boggling. The first two are fine, the last one isn't great because it fills me with dread and panic until they say _"Ha! Just kidding!"
DON'T BE A DATELINE EPISODE...
[rebelmouse-image 18978192 is_animated_gif=Estate Planning legal assistant here.
"Are you here of your own free will?" points to wife "No she made me do this"
HOW ABOUT I TAKE AWAY ZEROES?
[rebelmouse-image 18978193 is_animated_gif="Can you add a couple of zeroes to this?" I'm a payroll accountant, I do all the paychecks for my company.
It wasn't funny the first time. It's remained not funny for seven years.
Things Foreigners Should Avoid At All Costs While Visiting America
Reddit user AMGBOI69420 asked: 'Americans of Reddit, what places in America should foreigners avoid at all cost?'
When people visit the United States of America for the first time, they often have a list of places to see and things to do (and eat!).
Get a hot dog in New York City before attending a Broadway show, take in the spectacular views of the Grand Canyon, or soak in the sunny beaches of Florida.
Of course, like anywhere on Earth, there are also some places and things which should be avoided at all costs.
Then too, not all guidebooks can give you all the information on things to be wary of in the most visited places in the country.
Some of which might save you a dollar or two, and some of which might actually save your life.
"Americans of Reddit, what places in America should foreigners avoid at all cost?"
Those Signs Are Not Just Decorations
"If you go to a national park and you disregard the signs, you're going to die."
"It's not a joke."
"Treat buffalo like field puppies?"
"You're going to die."
"Try to pet the brown bear?"
"You're going to die."
"See that moose and want to feed it?"
"You're probably already dead."
"Oh look, a rattlesnake! "
"*dead*"
"Want to swim in Old Faithful?"
"You're going to die painfully and completely dissolve into a soup."
"Sh*t is dangerous here and if you don't respect it you'll be lucky to die quick."- Xanza
"If you’re in a National park, listen to what the caution signs say and don’t venture off of paths."
"One is because of wildlife and the other is because humans don’t need to ruin everything in nature, just to get a photo."
"Also, don’t fall into the Grand Canyon." - Yawheyy
grand canyon arizona GIF by Go USA JpGiphyKnow Your Limits And Be Prepared
"Don’t hike into the wilderness of Colorado (especially 14ers) without knowing wilderness survival and responsibilities."
"Tourists die on our mountains and in Rocky Mountain National Park all the time."
"Do your research!"
"Altitude is no joke."- eyjafjallajokul_
Some Things Are Worth The Added Expense...
"Not American but as a visitor trying to travel on the cheap, I made the mistake of booking a greyhound bus ride."
"There's a reason why it was cheap lol."- toadkarter1993
The Name Should Be A Clue
"Death Valley in the summer especially if you consider yourself a strong hiker, and live in a cooler climate."
"It has that name for a reason."- FabFrench
death valley documentary GIFGiphyOr Even Dip Your Toes...
"The hot springs in yellowstone are not hot tubs do not swim in them."- needs_grammarly
"Steaming Acidic hot springs in Yellowstone."- SuvenPan
Every City Has One...
"Anywhere with a Rainforest Cafe and a Wax Museum on the same street is a tourist trap."- Klytus_Im-Bored
homer simpson episode 13 GIFGiphyMaps Exist For A Reason
"Avoid going to one location thinking another location across the country is a short trip."- Jebediah_Vorbeck
So Much For "Brotherly Love"
"The Kensington area of North Philadelphia."
"Don't."
"Just don't."- amhildreth
Even If You're A Night Owl
"Most of Downtown Los Angeles at night."
"When the streets get quiet and the locals go home, that's your cue to go back to your hotel or a more popular hotspot."- muststayawaketonod·
los angeles city GIF by The Broad MuseumGiphyAracnaphobia!
"Pueblo Colorado."- External-Traffic-916
"F*ck Peublo and its mass Tarantula Migration."- paustulio
Not The Where, But The What
"It's not 'places' as much as 'situations' that you should avoid."
"Depending on where you're from, you'll have some of these instincts, but not others."
"It's not all or nothing."
"But here's some situations I can see happening to a European, as an example."
"Getting stranded in the desert."
"Whether you're hiking without water, or driving too far on a single tank of gas, there's a real risk of being stranded without very immediate help, and no cell reception."
"Underestimating travel time."
"You're not going to see NYC and LA on the same trip."
"They're three time zones apart."
"They are exactly as far apart as London, England and Baku, Azerbaijan."
"You'll either be driving for a week, or flying."
"Even things that seem close, like NYC and DC, are not actually that close."
"It would be about 6 hours of driving or train to get from one to the other."
"Trespassing."
"It is taken VERY seriously here, and you could wind up shot if you are on the wrong person's land."
"We do not have the right to roam."
"And we do have the right to bear arms."
"Some states even have 'castle laws' which considers trespassing to be sufficient reason to shoot someone in 'self defense'."
"Any places people are mentioning are places that Americans wouldn't go to either if they could help it."
"But if I can say one place in particular, it would be Camden, NJ."
"It's just across the river from Philadelphia, and has a couple of tourist draws like the Aquarium or the concert venue, but anywhere that's not those specific places is incredibly unsafe."- pHScale
Season 9 Reaction GIF by The OfficeGiphyLike any country, America has its fair share of underwhelming and unsafe destinations.
Thankfully, most of these places aren't written up in guidebooks, and won't be high on the list of any foreign visitors.
Sadly, guidebooks still might not stop them from shelling out loads of money for very mediocre food at a noisy theme restaurant...
Our ancient ancestors had their own habits; some were strange and bewildering, others were nearly identical to those we practice today. Looking back through history, one might be surprised to find the daily lives of the ancients weren't so unrecognizable. But then again, there are still plenty of ancient habits that leave us scratching our heads.
1. Ground-Breaking Discovery
Recently, archaeologists working in Italy’s Caverna delle Arene Candide found a heap of rocks. Not exactly headline news, but these rocks had been carried up from a nearby beach and broken in a consistent, uniform fashion, and similar-sized pieces had been taken from each one. It appears that Neolithic Italians broke the rocks as a funerary rite—the rocks themselves may have represented lost loved ones, and breaking them symbolized the person dying.
2. Shake On It
person holding hands of another personPhoto by Sincerely Media on UnsplashThe tradition of greeting another person by shaking hands dates at least as far back as the Ancient Greeks. One column at the Acropolis even shows the Greek goddess of marriage, Hera, shaking hands with the Greek goddess of wisdom, Athena.
3. A Little Pick-Me-Up
Nowadays we have Viagra and Cialis, but Pliny the Elder suggested a bevy of ancient Roman aphrodisiacs that reads more like a witch’s shopping list than a doctor’s prescription. To put the pep back in your step, Pliny suggested the yolks of pigeon eggs, in honey, mixed with hog’s lard, or sparrows eggs, or a lizard drowned in one’s own urine. If that didn't work, you could always wear “the right testicle of a cock.” I’ll pause long enough for you to stop giggling.
4. For The Ladies
brown falcon on treePhoto by Photos By Beks on UnsplashGot it out of your system? Ok, moving on: For ladies with low libido, Pliny advised ingesting a vulture’s tongue, or wearing a patch of wool soaked in bat’s blood on top of the head. It seems so obvious, doesn't it?
5. Just ’Browsing
Nothing made a Greek woman feel more attractive than having a thick, swarthy unibrow. To the Greeks, the unibrow signaled a combination of beauty and brains. Greek women would go to great lengths to get that perfect forehead mustache, lining their brows with kohl or soot, or even using tree resin to affix fake eyebrows made of goats’ hair to their foreheads.
6. Of Corset Was!
white and brown striped textilePhoto by Jamie Coupaud on UnsplashYou probably associate the fitted corset with those breathless Victorian women who, though they maintained their figure, looked constantly on the verge of fainting, but they weren't the first to wear them. The corset goes all the way back to the Ancient Minoan women of Crete, who wore similar restrictive bodices. The Minoan corsets were likely the first fitted garments ever worn.
7. To Be Taken With A Grain Of Salt
Popular superstition states that, if one should spill some salt, one can counteract the bad luck by throwing a pinch of salt over the shoulder. That practice actually goes all the way back to the ancient Assyrians. The superstition was passed on from them to the Egyptians, and then the Greeks, and the Romans, all the way to today.
8. Stairway To Heaven
an egyptian scene with a man offering a bowl to a womanPhoto by British Library on UnsplashThe same is true of walking under ladders—the Egyptians came up with that one. Because a ladder leaning against a wall formed a triangle, representative of the holy trinity of Egyptian gods, to walk through was considered sacrilegious. Naturally, that superstation lent itself perfectly to the early Christians. I always just thought it was because you're likely to get something dropped on you if you walk under a ladder.
9. As It Nappens
Just like the Spaniards with their customary siesta, the Ancient Greeks would insist on taking a quick mid-day nap throughout the summer. One 5th-century medical text advised that a brief nap around noon kept the body from “drying out.”
10. That Sucks!
In ancient Ireland, one showed submission to tribal kings by sucking their nipples. Bog-bodies (ancient remain found well-preserved by the chemicals in a bogs) have been found with slashed nipples, indicating that they had been driven from the throne.
11. Pour One Out
Even if you're completely out of touch, you’ve probably seen a rapper “pouring one out” in a music video. Feel free to pour one out in memory of Pac or Biggie, but you should know the practice actually began with the Ancient Egyptians, who first spilled their drinks as a tribute to their god of death, Osiris.
12. The Good Book
person's hand holding book pagePhoto by Rod Long on UnsplashThe practice of libations was continued by the Greeks. There is even mention of “pouring one out” in the Old Testament: Genesis 35:14 states “Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he had spoken with him [God], even a pillar of stone. He poured out a drink offering on it and poured oil on it.”
13. Beer For Breakfast
While the pharaohs had no shortage of delicacies to choose from—fruit and honey and wine and cured fish and all manner of roasted beasts—the Egyptian working class had a significantly shorter menu. The typical Egyptian breakfast consisted of bread, beer, and onions.
14. Sand Gets Everywhere
a group of people riding horses in a desertPhoto by Veronika Biró on UnsplashAnd sand. Lots of sand. Keeping sand out of their food was a huge problem for Egyptians, and coupled with their rough, fibrous diet and the fact that they had no real culture of dental hygiene, it meant that Egyptians of modest means usually suffered severe dental issues.
15. Chickening Out
Roman navies always kept chickens on board their ships, but they never intended to eat the birds. Rather, the chickens were offered cake. If the chickens pecked the cake, the Romans were sure to have luck in their upcoming battle. One Roman admiral, furious that his chicken wouldn’t peck, shunned superstition by throwing his chicken overboard and declared, “If it won’t eat, it can drink instead!”
27. The Stash
green palm tree during sunsetPhoto by Kym MacKinnon on UnsplashAccording to Herodotus, certain tribes to the east liked to throw bushels of marijuana on bonfires and enjoy a nice stone. As with a lot of stuff that Herodotus said, historians took this with a grain of salt, but in 2008 archaeologists discovered the tomb of a 2,700-year-old mummy in the Western Chinese province of Xinjiang.
In addition to the mummy—presumably, a shaman of the Yuehzi people—was nearly 800 grams of marijuana, worth about $8,000 to modern consumers. Also found in the tomb, a stack of Bob Marley records and a poster bearing the phrase “Legalize It.”
17. A Different Period
To cope with severe menstrual symptoms, Roman women used tampons soaked in opium, while Egyptian men were allowed—and even encouraged—to take time off work to care for their menstruating wives or daughters.
18. Don’t Sweat It
gray concrete building during daytimePhoto by Federico Di Dio photography on UnsplashAfter a big day at the Colosseum, Roman fight-goers liked to celebrate the trip by buying souvenirs. Gladiator sweat was a favorite, as was lard from the animals who had been killed during the show. The sweat was mixed with olive oil and sold as a perfume. It was also considered a powerful aphrodisiac. I'll pass, thanks.
19. Decisions, Decisions
According to Herodotus, the rule of thumb among the Ancient Persians was if something was decided upon while drunk, all people involved must wait until they’ve sobered up, and decide again. Later writers added that, if something were decided while sober, the Persians would again put the decision under scrutiny by getting drunk and seeing if the idea held up. At least they covered all their bases!
20. Puking Party
girl in grey tank top holding purple flowerPhoto by Дмитрий Хрусталев-Григорьев on UnsplashAs everyone knows, the Romans loved to party, but of course one can only party so much. The idea of any Roman feast was to eat and drink as much as physically possible. When a Roman began to feel too full, or too drunk, it was socially acceptable, and even encouraged, to induce vomiting, thereby making room for more.
It should be said, however, that it's a misconception that they had special rooms called "vomitoria" for this purpose. Vomitoria did exist, but they were special passages in theaters or auditoria designed to efficiently allow many people to exit at once. The name comes from the Latin word vomo, which means "to spew forth."
21. No Pants Allowed
The Greeks and Romans had pants, they just didn’t wear them. The Greeks thought they looked silly, and the Romans considered them “for the barbarians,” since they were customarily worn by Germanic peoples to the north.
22. Spitting Image
man spitting waterPhoto by Asael Peña on UnsplashIt wouldn’t be unusual to see a Roman spit on himself; it was something they did any time they encountered a mentally ill person or someone with epilepsy. Not only were these traits undesirable, they were considered contagious as well. By spitting on himself, a Roman was protecting himself from the spread of a disease—an action that had no basis, even in Roman medicine, but remained a widely held superstition.
23. The Cure-All
For everything that spitting couldn’t cure, the Romans swore by "theriac." The compound, invented by Nero’s personal physician, was made of 64 different ingredients, including opium and viper flesh, and was said to cure everything from poisoning to plague. Theriac remained a common item in apothecaries and pharmaceutical shops well into the 19th century, because if nothing works anyway, you might as well eat some snake parts.
24. Ancient Times
grayscale photo of round analog clockPhoto by Timo C. Dinger on UnsplashPunctual Romans carried around portable sundials, not unlike our more modern pocket watches. Each sundial came with specific instructions on how to use it based on one’s geographical coordinates and the season. But the Romans didn’t rely on a regular 60 minute hour like we do: rather, they followed the Egyptian example of keeping a 45 minute hour through the summer and a 75 minute hour in the winter. How could that not have confused people?
25. Fast Food
The Romans were a busy, on-the-go people, so it’s not surprising that, just like us moderns, they loved fast food. There were restaurants all over the Rome, many of them with windows that opened onto the street so customers could just order their food and go. I wonder if they had drive-thru windows for chariots?
17. Pompeiians Can’t Cook
brown and white concrete buildingPhoto by Yaopey Yong on UnsplashThere were more than 200 take-out restaurants in Pompeii alone. Taking dinner out was so common that many Pompeiian homes didn’t even have kitchens.
16. Vend Diagram
The Romans even had vending machines. Or at least they had the technology—the only known example, built by Roman-Egyptian inventor Hero of Alexander, was coin-operated and dispensed holy water.
28. Cone Heads
brown concrete statue of manPhoto by Tom Podmore on UnsplashLong before the spray bottle was invented, the Egyptians developed a unique way to apply perfume. They wore tall cones of resin or ox fat on the top of their heads. The cones would be infused with aromatic oils and myrrh. As the balmy night wore on, the cones melted, leaving the Egyptians coated in fragrant oil. It was considered good hospitality to offer these cones to guests at a party.
29. The Best Part Of Waking Up…
Coffee came from Africa, tea from the far east. Neither seemed to have caught on among the Romans. Given the dearth of caffeinated beverages, the Romans began their mornings with a beverage made of goat feces and vinegar. I'll stick to my bean juice, thanks.
30. Just Do It
File:15-07-05-Schloß-Caputh-RalfR-N3S 1528.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.orgAccording to Pliny the Elder (this guy again...), the goat dung and vinegar beverage was especially popular among chariot racers; it was kind of like an ancient version of Gatorade. The emperor Nero personally endorsed the drink, saying that it gave him extra strength.
31. Urine Luck
The Romans used human urine in industries like leather tanning, and some of these companies even paid a “urine tax” for the privilege. But that’s not all: Urine was used by the Romans as a laundry detergent, a fertilizer, and even as a mouthwash. Because, you know, nothing makes your mouth cleaner than...
32. A Brush With The Egyptians
blue and white plastic bottlePhoto by 莎莉 彭 on UnsplashIn this instance, at least, the Egyptians were centuries ahead of the Romans, and even ahead of pre-20th century Westerners. The Egyptians invented the toothbrush, and used it in conjunction with a toothpaste made of gum arabica, soot, and water that actually would have done an OK job.
33. Mint Condition
In fact, one 4th century Egyptian text offers a complete—though different—recipe for toothpaste: one drachma of rock salt, one drachma of iris flowers, 20 grains of pepper, and, of course, two drachmas of mint for kissably fresh breath. Hey, if it's not human urine, I'll take it!
34. Getting Around To It
man and woman statue under blue sky during daytimePhoto by Sergio García on UnsplashLet’s talk about bad habits for a minute. Here in the modern world, many of us have trouble getting motivated—we tend to put off starting things, even if they’re important or good for us. But don't feel so bad, even our ancient ancestors struggled with procrastination.
Putting off crucial business was so common in Ancient Greece that the Greeks had a word for it: akrasia, “the state of acting against one’s own interest.”
35. So Stupid, It’s Smart
One Greek statesman discovered a trick to help him defeat akrasia: Demosthenes shaved one side of his head (seriously). Funny, but how does it help? Demosthenes reasoned—rightly, perhaps—that he would be less tempted to go outside if he knew people would make fun of his stupid haircut. Rather than risk the mockery and taunts of his fellow Athenians, he stayed home and studied. Something to remember next time you’ve got a big exam coming up.
36. Moldy Medicine
sliced bread on tablePhoto by Helena Yankovska on UnsplashThe Ancient Egyptians applied moldy bread crusts to burns. This practice has also been found in ancient Greek, Chinese, and Serbian cultures. While none of these ancient cultures had any way to know specifically, they did seem to intuit that the microbes and antibodies active in the mold were good for fighting off infections.
37. An Eyebrow Raising Habit
Eyebrows were important to the Ancient Egyptians, as well. The death of a household cat was a serious tragedy—the Egyptians literally worshipped the furry felines—and families would often demonstrate their grief by shaving their eyebrows off.
38. The Cat’s Pyjamas
Free Images : animal, monument, statue, cat, egypt, sculpture ...pxhere.comCats were idolized by the Egyptians because of their skill at killing vermin like rats and snakes, and because they also represented fertility. When a cat died, even the cat of a laborer, it was given a noble burial, mummified, and laid to rest surrounded by pots of milk and mummified mice. We should all be so lucky.
39. Pretty Disrespectful
The practice of mummifying cats was so common that, over the course of the 19th century, British industrialists were able to import nineteen tons of mummified kitties for use as fertilizer.
40. Not Monkeying Around
black monkey sitting on rock during daytimePhoto by Benjamin Ong on UnsplashCats weren’t the only pets loved by the Egyptians; they were also known to keep monkeys. Big monkeys. Really big monkeys, like baboons, in fact. Baboons don’t live in Egypt—they had to be imported to Egypt specifically—but their popularity led them to develop a wealth of cultural and religious significance to the Egyptian people, and one was considered lucky indeed to have one of the simians in their home.
41. The Hogs Of War
The Greeks and Romans employed an unlikely ally when they went to war: Because their rivals in the east typically employed elephants, the Greeks and Romans enlisted the help of war pigs, whose squeals terrified the giant beasts.
42. The Romans Treated Their Kids Like Garbage
a statue of a person holding a staffPhoto by Clemens van Lay on UnsplashRoman families did have adoption practices—even Julius Caesar adopted his great-nephew Octavian, later known as Augustus—but it was mostly a way for the wealthy Roman elite to ensure they had an heir. For poorer families, unwanted children were often just left at the dump.
If those unwanted babies didn’t die, they were usually taken to be raised as slaves.
Where do babies come from?
One of life's greatest mysteries.
Or one of life's most solid truths.
But when we're young, we don't know all of the details.
But that doesn't mean there aren't questions.
Oh, the number of questions and curiosities.
Redditor DramaticChoice4 wanted to discuss the stork's journey, so they asked:
"How did you use to think babies were made?"
So Random
Im Pregnant Mama Said GIF by OriginalsGiphy"I thought it was like an illness, you just randomly come down with pregnancy once you're married."
cb1216
The Egg
"My friends and I had a pretty solid worldview on this A man down the street from us was rumored to have 1 testicle. This man also had 1 kid So, we deduced that when you want to have kids, the man fires a testicle into the woman, and that testicle acted as 'the egg.'"
"We realized that this would be painful for the man, but that it would also make it 'fair' since we figured that giving birth must be painful as well We couldn't figure out why some families had more than 2 kids, but that was a problem for another day."
sneekeemonkee
Home Invasion
"I thought they would just appear. Like they spawned somewhere in the house."
"No, they had to love each other very much and concentrate on that for it to happen. At least that’s the explanation I had given myself as a small child."
"Then I learned that women get pregnant, but in the dialect of the region around Venezia (Italy) where I grew up, it is common to say 'I’m buying a baby' when you’re pregnant. So I thought there was an actual place you went to purchase pregnancy... lol."
millennium-popsicle
Hold Me
"Through cuddling. My parents had me watch a movie about the facts of life. It showed a man and a woman cuddling on the couch in one scene, and then in the next, the narrator was talking about how an egg is fertilized. So, the implication was that this happened via cuddling."
Old_Army90
Born That Way
Music Video Mv GIF by Lady GagaGiphy"I don't know. I used to think that my parents were born as parents and I was born as a child, so for 2-3 years I thought that I wasn’t going to age and so my parents."
ChemicalAd1157
Kids. We were so innocent at one time.
Born that way. Cute thought.
Delivery
"Babies are made at a baby factory."
Kotopause
"And delivered by a giant bird. Dumbo (1941) messed me up in so many ways."
MadOrange64
Saliva
"I knew that kissing was involved. I also knew that sperm was involved after watching 'Look Who’s Talking' with my parents (I think there’s a scene showing the sperm traveling to the egg while talking to each other). So my 7-year-old brain assumed that somehow sperm was transferred through the saliva while kissing."
Djent_Reznor1
The Seed
"My mom explained to me that she and my dad helped God make me. So I imagined them traveling to heaven and picking out parts like it was a build-a-bear or something. So then I was very confused when I asked my mom what heaven was like and she said she had never been. I was like, I knew it... I'm adopted."
"I explained to my children (7, 6 & 4) when I was having our 4th last year that mommies have eggs in their bellies, and daddies have a seed. And then the daddy puts the seed in the belly, it goes into the egg and the baby starts growing. They asked how the seed gets in the belly and I told them I would tell them when they are older. I'm pretty sure they think it goes in through the belly button."
spidermom4
Good Faith
Pop Tv Please GIF by One Day At A TimeGiphy"My parents told me that you just had to pray for one and you can be pregnant the next day."
asn-grl
"My mom's friend thought the opposite, she would pray every night not to get pregnant because she thought that she could just get preggers randomly."
HumanHuman_2003
Prayer can only do so much.
But I'm not going to get into that aspect if it all.
All judgment aside, we're all meant to do some things and not meant to do other things, and there are simply some people in the world who would make better parents than others.
Those who decide to parent while knowing that they didn't want kids often wind up saying and doing things that do far more harm than good to their children.
Redditor Enockito asked:
"What's the most hurtful thing your parent ever said to you?"
Outrageous Beauty Standards
"I hate that something so ugly came out of me."
"For context, my mom is Korean, slim, and petite. She had two daughters with a Black American man, and we were never skinny, pretty, or smart enough for her. And she told us all the time."
- black_frost
A Ruined Life
"They gave me the advice to never have children and said that all of us (us six kids) ruined my mother's life."
- bbgmedusa
"First kid, shame on you... But the next five?"
- all4goats
Cancerous Entitlement
"I can't believe you expect so much from us just because you got diagnosed with cancer."
"My mother while kicking me out of her house in the middle of chemotherapy at 25 years of age when I couldn't afford to pay rent on unemployment."
- sKiLoVa4LiFeZzZ
The Projected Regret
"My mom stopped by for lunch while I was home with my four-year-old daughter."
"I was extremely pregnant with my future son, and she made a big production out of bringing fast food."
"While popping fries in her mouth, she asked me, 'Do you ever regret having children?'"
"I looked at my daughter lining up dinosaurs along the length of our couch and then said, 'No. But I think YOU do.'"
"'Huh,' she said while she popped more fries in her mouth. 'You're right about that.'"
"It's a core memory for me and something that comes flooding back any time I wonder if I was wrong for going no-contact with her."
- TheBookishAndTheBard
Failed Returns
"I'll be back to pick you up in three days."
"(She did not come back.)"
- ParrotOX-CDXX
"My kid's bio-mom did this when he was eight. She lost custody now but f**king ch**st, it still hurts when she doesn’t show up for her appointed weekends because you’re reminded of this s**t."
"Some people don’t deserve to be parents."
- violent-amethyst
An Uncanny Resemblance
"Last week, 'I've always hated you because you look so much like your dad.'"
"I told her that was her fault because why didn't she boink someone else?"
- Comfortable-Ad7591
Gaslighting Central
"I was having an argument with my mom and when I told her about some stuff I remembered that wasn't exactly nice as a kid, she said, 'Well, I don't remember that happening, so it must've never happened, and I choose to live in the reality where it didn't, but you can do whatever you want,' and walked away."
"Feelings invalidated? Oh, big time."
- Juda2112
Sleep Comes First
"I broke my arm on a school ski trip, causing the whole trip to come back late."
"Dad picked me up at school and told me he wasn't taking me to the hospital. Maybe Mom will take me tomorrow."
"We got home, and both parents refused to take me as they needed their sleep."
"They put sleep ahead of me."
"The look the orthopedic doctor gave my mother the next afternoon upon hearing this confirmed it was as f**ked up as I thought."
"This was the 1980s, so child services weren't involved."
- stevea1210
No Exchange Adoptions
"When I was 16, my adopted dad told me, 'I wish we had adopted a girl.'"
"It's been over three decades, and now the man can't even remember my name as dementia takes his mind, and I still resent him for that."
"As I noted when this came up elsewhere, there is a silver lining to be had from it. As a parent myself I am acutely aware of just how damaging words can be and even when my kids absolutely were p**sing me off I never said anything like this to them. I tried to always tie chastisement to behavior and not them as a person."
- slash_networkboy
The Favorite Grandchild
"I love your sister's kids more than yours."
"She justified it by calling my husband and me better parents, my husband's parents as better grandparents, and saying that my nephews 'needed it more,' which might all be true, but it still stung."
- Bullwinkle932000
Just Joking
"The one that rattles in my head the most (either not repressed or just recent enough to remember better) was from my dad, after I had lost a bit of weight, said, 'Wow, you actually look like a human being.'"
"My dad speaks in sarcasm so who knows how rude he was meant to be but, man... that one burrowed deep."
- VOODOO271
"My dad operated this way all the time. Everything was always just a joke. And then one day I realized that they might have all been jokes, but they all hurt."
"And this was so much worse to realize, because not only would my dad laugh, but he would get upset about it if you got upset at him for what he said. 'You know I’m only joking!' And then he would act all hurt and then I would have the apologize to him for making him feel bad."
"It wasn’t intentional, but it was 100% abuse. The way he was untouchable like a 'it’s just a prank, bro!' TikToker and how he would use the guilt to manipulate was just awful."
- zerobeat
The Mother Traitor
"My mom supported my ex-wife in the divorce and then told my now current wife, 'I'll help you get all the money out of him when you want to leave him.'"
"She also told me flat out that if I demand my kids' car seats from her, she will never babysit them again. The car seats... that she put into a storage unit."
- Icy_Penguin2786
Superficial Love
"It's weird, but out of the dozens of hurtful things, this one always sticks out to me."
"I wrote a personal essay in my senior year of high school. Real earnest one about myself, my values, and my hopes for the future. The teacher loved it and said it was the best thing I'd ever written (and I always struggled with English class and essay writing)."
"I took it home. Dad reads it, furrows his brow, and says, 'This doesn't sound like you at all.' Then he makes me rewrite it, scrubbing out all the parts he doesn't like and putting in things that aren't true about me."
"I always wonder if it would be easier if he openly didn't care about me. Straight up, 'Wish you were never born' kinda deal. Because a lifetime of someone who 'loves you' in superficial ways demonstrating open contempt, disgust, and disapproval for who you are has been painful."
- LotusFlare
This is a great reminder that people should actively think about who they are and what they want before they commit to having children. There are people in the world who are really not meant to have kids, but when they do, it sometimes announces itself in awful, traumatizing ways.