This is a story all about how my rice got flipped, turned upside down...
Yeah, you're going to have the Fresh Prince theme stuck in your head now and I'm not even sorry.
So we're over here browsing Reddit and came across this question:
And honestly this whole article is an excuse for me to tell you about the time I accidentally shoveled black rice into my mouth and almost died of grossness.
It was the summer, I'd been in the pool all day long and came inside for dinner ready to EAT. If you've never had a chance to spend the day in the sun and water, you may not understand the aftermath. You're usually exhausted, hot and HUNGRY. I don't know what it is about the sun/water combo but the things it does to your stomach should be criminal.
Ain't no munchies like the swim day munchies.
So I come stomping into my house, see my little brother eating a bowl of rice and bust out the brattiest big sister move in the world. I grabbed the bowl and fork right out of his hand with a snotty "I'll be finishing that, thank you" and shoveled the rice into my face hole.
Instant regret; and instant karma, I must admit.
This was rice, and it was stained black, but it had not happened at the hands of my savory delicious love, the black bean. Nay, this was stained black with squid ink and the small bits I was finding myself chewing on were tiny pieces of squid and octopus.
I was ready for an explosion of garlic, onion, pepper, and the silky embrace of bean sauce. Instead it was like Davey Jones slapped me in the mouth.
Not the cute Monkee either; this dude.
It sucked and it's the first distinct memory I have of my food (or rather, the food I pulled rank and stole from my brother) just lying to me. I'm not alone, though. These people totally get it.
Does Anyone Actually Eat It?
That's what I was going to say. Frosting tastes 100x better even if it's more limited
Had my wedding cake rolled with marzipan for this reason. Lemon cake with raspberry jelly, lemon curd, and almond. It was beautiful AND delicious.
I never understood the hate for fondant, until one day I realized that I'd never eaten it. Where I live bakers had always used marzipan.
You know those foam boards you cut up and use for crafts as a kid? Imagine a sugary version of that.
A Universal BadGiphy
Buffet desserts. I have been to 5-6 buffets in my life, from local Chinese food buffets to expensive buffets in Vegas. I always fall for the dessert buffet because they look delicious but taste mediocre at best.
Edible flowers. They look pretty and colorful, but they don't taste pretty.
"Edible" is generous as a description. They should just call them "food safe."
I'm a big fan of dandelions. The entire plant is edible. Pretty much all of it has a mild lettuce taste. The flowers are like sweet lettuce and the rest is like bitter lettuce.
Marigolds are actually crazy delicious
Hibiscus flowers kinda taste like a cross between the best parts of raisins and cranberries, but without the fructose punch.
Toss them with a little sugar, and they taste amazing. Bonus points for raw sugar.
Dragon fruit. It's pretty but it's bland.
This was my answer as well. I wouldn't say it tastes terrible, but it just doesn't taste like much. I do love the bright colored pink and green outside with the white and black inside though. It's the coolest looking fruit in my opinion, so it was very disappointing when I first tried it.
Like a bland-ass kiwi
If you get them really ripe from a place that they actually come from, they can be absurdly sweet....
It's just that we get ones that were picked in Vietnam or wherever a month ago when they were still rock hard.
Starfruit is the same way, many will say, "Oh, looks cool, but just tastes like a sour watered down pear".... But lemme tell you I had one off a tree in Guatemala and it was one of the best tasting fruits I've ever had.
Red Delicious Apples
As someone who grew up in a part of western Canada known for growing apples lemme use this one opportunity to review a few common varieties of apples (since no one in real life lets me ramble about this)
- Honeycrisp - the bougiest apple out there. Looks great, crisp with just enough sweetness. Usually premium price in the grocery store, but pretty worth it to be honest.
- Ambrosia - the broke boi's honeycrisp. Great flavour and texture, consistently crunchy and usually the same price as any other apple. My go-to most of the time
- Pink lady - similar to the ambrosia but with a cute lil pink blush on the outside. Worth a try if you can find them
- Gala - the work horse of the apple world. Solid all-around apple, tend to bruise a little easy and texture can be hit or miss, but generally a reliable fruit. affordable, and easy to find. The Honda Civic of apples
- Granny Smith - the quirky apple. Usually quite crisp and very tart and sour. Not my favourite but occasionally a solid switch up from the typical sweet apple. Definitely a love it or hate it item. My mom would often use these in baking so bonus points for that.
- Red Delicious - the ultimate catfish of the apple world. After seeing these as the most cliche "apple on a teacher's desk" you think these things are legit right? Nope. More often than not they're soft and sandy and flavourless. Completely undeserving of their fame and recognition. Almost any other variety in the store will be better than these. Red delicious my a$.
Grapefruit. They're so big and orange and beautiful and they tempt me every time I see one. But as soon as my tongue touches the surface it tastes like a grizzly bear is pissing in my mouth and I'm filled with a primal rage that isn't invoked by any other food on this planet.
Fun story: when I was a younger version of me, 23 to be exact, I found myself stuck in an 8:00 am advanced molecular genetics course. I had trouble staying awake. I started buying grapefruit before class. Biggest ones I could find. I would sit there in class and peel that MFer, segments and all.
What I found out is I LOVE grapefruit, but the rind is far too bitter for me as is the skin that separates the segments.
I have continued loving grapefruit for the past 17 years. Now I either peel it like I'm in graduate school again, or I use a grapefruit spoon.
A lot of people are going to hate me for this, but RED VELVET ANYTHING.
I don't like chocolate. People can't wrap their head around that but I'm used to it. They'll offer me red velvet saying it isn't chocolate and I'm like bruh yes it is it tastes exactly the same.
A common misconception is that there is enough chocolate in a red velvet cake to call it a chocolate cake. This is completely wrong. Most recipes only use a tablespoon or two of cocoa powder, where as chocolate cake recipes can use anywhere from 1 to 2 cups. the flavor of a red velvet cake comes from yes the cocoa powder, but also the buttermilk, the butter, and tons and tons of sugar. Source: am a pastry chef
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