1. It's more of a Jim to Dwight thing. A coworker wrapped up his entire cubicle in wrapping paper, but did it in a way where his setup looked like a present.
When he walked in, he looked so confused. He took about 2 minutes to analyze the situation, ripped a piece of it open, ducked under, and proceeded to take a couple of calls while his cubicle was still wrapped like a present.
2. The guy I share an office with once wrote me up for leaving my car keys on my desk. His reasoning was that someone could grab my keys, steal my car, get in a wreck and we could be held liable.
Another time, our director of engineering (my boss' boss) bought me a new office chair and he wrote up a 10 paragraph dissertation on how she was not allowed to buy me that chair and it must be returned immediately, and sent it to every upper management person in our division.
He also puts a read receipt on every single email he sends.
3. He took a photo (using his phone) of a manager using his phone in an area you are not allowed mobile devices and then proceeded to try and use the photo to be the manager in trouble.
4. My manager called me into her office to tell me about a career opportunity.
It was a pretty obvious email scam, some Chinese business looking for new employees. They needed all the applicants contact info, and promised to pay 150k USD in the first year of employment. It was super shady, and I started to laugh.
She got legitimately pissed off at me for laughing, and I tried to explain to her that it was a fake email, nothing but a scam. She actually told me to get out of her office and that I didn't know anything. I have no clue how she wound up in a managerial position.
5. He recently bought a motorcycle, but had to have a coworker drive it home since he doesnt have the license yet.
He recently went to a job convention since if he gets a job offer, he can petition for an early release from the army. So he walked around the office for an entire day with a stack of business cards talking about how many jobs offers he received. His applications are actually still pending.
He is a sergeant, but not many people take him seriously so he was put in charge of the companys' humvees and larger trucks instead of real people.
He does the "knife hand" whenever he tries to give orders to people, especially when he's on the phone with them.
There are so many more things, but these are all I have for now.
6. I'm a software engineer at Google. Everyone is Dwight. Everyone.
7. We were doing software development for a mid sized company. We had a few staff programmers and a team of consultants, "George" was the latest staff programmer we hired.
First couple weeks we had him and some other programmers from another department go through a 'boot camp' to get familiar with our code base and the patterns we were using. "George" immediately informs the architect that it was all "beneath" him. It was pretty much downhill from there.
We gave him a few chances at joining our group for lunch. "George" turned out to be the most inept conversationalist. He would just randomly interrupt the group to talk about the time he went to a taping of American Gladiators when he was a kid, how he was a black belt and had use chopsticks to eat so the other black belts wouldn't give him a hard time, how he bought some miniature cows so he wouldn't have to mow his lawn, etc... After the first week, we had to coordinate leaving for lunch via IM so we could leave without him asking to go along.
"George" also had a bit of a gas problem, loudly farting 3-4 times a day. It didn't help that we were in a bull-pen style cube farm with all mesh aeron chairs.
There were more character flaws, but you get the idea. Which all of that could have been overlooked, except for the fact that he (Continued)
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he was also a terrible programmer. Every piece of code he touched needed to be fixed by someone else. We found out later that he had been posting his tasks to programming forum and would basically just cut and paste different replies till he got something that would compile, push it to prod (before we implemented a strict change control process) and then try to deny his changes just brought down the site.
He lasted a few months before the boss finally let him go. But it was okay because according to George "getting fired was god's way of telling him it's time to move onto better things."
8. There was a guy I used to work with that was the epitome of awkward/strange:
- On his first day, the general manager (his bosss boss) mentioned that if he has any insurance questions he should speak to Hulk (thats just what we called the guy, it obviously wasnt his name) and The Dwight responded with What? I dont see any angry green men around here? and the GM just kind of smirked and pointed to who he meant. So The Dwight proudly continued on with Did you know I have the exact same dimensions as superman? And the eyes to match This guy was not built like Superman, not one bit. I mean he was geeky and had dark hair, but not built like Superman.
- One of the guys mentioned he was picking up a new phone after work and already knew which one he was getting. The Dwight ruthlessly hounded him for the whole day with lecture after lecture about why his choice was wrong and printed out comparisons as to why he should be buying a different phone. He went with his initial choice; The Dwight wasnt happy.
- We used to have drinks on a Friday afternoon, because free booze, why not? During this time we would often end up debating about the hottest celebrities an comparing lists online. We were looking at and debating the historic list of worlds sexiest man when the topic of Pierce Brosnan came up. This was his chance to intervene with an anecdote about how his great aunt was on a plane with Pierce, and it came up (on the place) that the aunt had the same maiden name as Pierce. He then continued to say, So Im pretty much related to Pierce, you can see the family resemblance (despite being a married in aunt, not by blood). Naturally we thought he was joking and laughed, he was not joking.
-At my going away drinks, I had planned to head across to the pub with a small group of people. Not only did he decide to invite himself, but when we got there he ordered a shot, that he then proceeded to sip on for 30 minutes. WHO SIPS ON A SHOT. Its called a shot for heavens sake!
9. At a previous job he got reprimanded for bullying other staff members when it came to the fruit box. He would spend most of his day watching the fruit box and keeping track of how many people were taking and would then stop people from taking fruit when he felt they had taken more than their share. This resulted in a lot of complaints.
10. Ex-Marine cashier. All about following the rules and obeying the chain of command. One time an assistant manager gave him permission to ring up an item under another associate's number so she would get commission on it while she was busy with another customer. The cashier calls the store manager during a meeting, and actually tells him (Continued)
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and actually tells him the assistant manager asked him to ring up an item under another employee's number which is against the rules. Store manager is just like "Yeah. It's fine. Whatever." Assistant manager rolls her eyes.
11. Claimed the ceiling fan (that made a clicking sound) was being used to communicate in Morse code, when translating it he came up with gibberish so he determined it was a code. He never was able to break it and my boss ended up just replacing the fan.
12. I work in a hospital pharmacy. One of our more senior clinical pharmacists has a day 1 teaching for everyone of his new residents or students. He explains, in a serious, matter of fact tone, how pens with caps are nowhere near as efficient as click pens. I forget the exact time, but he actually timed himself readying a click pen vs readying a capped pen. He then counted the amount of times he needed to write per day for a week to find the 'average' amount of time saved per day simply by utilizing a click pen.
If you are on his rotation, you are not allowed to use a capped pen because of this. If you do, and ignore his discussion about clicked pens vs. capped pens, he will actually grade you lower on your time management skills.
13. He asked me who my favorite super hero was. He then told me everything that sucked about Captain America through email and verbally in the breakroom for the rest of the day. All I could think of was:
"Who is your favorite super hero?"
14. He spilled his spaghetti he was eating for lunch all over his shoes, so he went to his car to grab his backup Birkenstocks.
15. I had a coworker i would regularly mess with. I actually convinced him that I had never seen an episode of the simpsons. He proceeded to actually (Continued)
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He proceeded to actually explain everything about it to me, all while i asked the dumbest questions i could think of. He would also share nice tidbits about his life, and how he still lived at home with his parents, and shared a room with his brother,and his brother's girlfriend. He was 32. But my favorite thing, he would leave love notes for a female coworker of ours after she hugged him once when she was drunk.
16. I was a nght manager at a restaurant and I had this one server who really wanted to get into management, I will call him Fred. The thing was, he was horrible at his job and would have been an even worse in any sort of management role. He was always eager to try and take charge and boss people around, which didn't accomplish anything because everyone knew he had no power of them. So one day I had to leave the restaurant floor to go to the basement where the office was located grab a couple of paychecks for the guys in the kitchen. As I was heading down stairs to I go to Fred and say, "You're in charge while I'm gone."
Now, I thought Fred would have known I was just joking, but no, he took it very serious. By the time it took me to walk down stairs, open a safe and walk up stairs he had let the power go straight to his head. Not only did he decide he needed to tell another server that she needed to step up or game because she wasn't doing well, she was new and doing great, he also decided that he needed to reorganize the plates in our pass through because he didn't think it was efficient enough. We had to have a long chat about appropriate work behaviour and boundaries after that.
17. He brought in a shotput-looking metal ball and sat in the office one day telling me to look and see how he's rolling it on his arm.
18. Store was closed for a good half an hour. I was in charge that night. Had a co worker say he was going to report me for not having my shirt tucked in despite the fact that
despite the fact that the store was closed and he was standing there with his not tucked in and then proceeds to hastily tuck his in...
19. I have a small pouch containing old silver coins and banknotes, in case I ever have to travel back in time.
I am my co-workers' Dwight Schrute.
20. A co-worker is a volunteer "paramedic" not sure how it works, because he has no certifications, well one day right outside the office there is a highway, a SUV flipped doing probably 70mph, this dude jumped out of his desk and ran into the middle of the highway trying to direct traffic and "save" the victims who happened to be fine, when the real police and paramedics showed up they made him leave but he stood in the grass and just watched like a supervisor.
21. When I worked in security I had a guard quit because we didn't all refer to each other as "Officer _____."
22. "Dwight" saw an attractive coworker approaching from another room. He walked toward her, passing through the doorway, and "bumped" his shoulder hard into the door frame. He said
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He said, "Ow, I got in a really good upper body workout this morning. Sometimes I forget I'm getting bigger."
23. His "friend" owns an Olive Oil company and every so often he basically spams all us non-stop about this great opportunity to buy high quality olive oil at a "heavily discounted price". I have about 5 liters of Olive Oil that have been sitting in my kitchen cupboard for years.
24. From some of our conversations I am 99% sure this one guy has an actual binder of documentation for every transgression/slight he has had from a certain co-worker over their 20 years working together.
25. Explained, unprompted, to a group of female coworkers that their biological clocks are ticking, and each minute after age 30 is "further wasted opportunity."
26. I worked as a receptionist at a local vet. One day the other receptionist brought in a huge bag of potatoes and started peeling them right there at the desk.
27. I am currently working with a colleague who eavesdrops everyones conversations and will butt in with his 'holier than thou' attitude. His favourite thing to do is listen to your conversation, tell you you're wrong, then (Continued)
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then quickly google the subject, and then read out the wikipedia article to you.
28. About a year back a coworker sent an email to my boss recommending that after 4pm be designated the "quiet hour" because they felt that people were starting to slack off after 4 and that banning talking would increase productivity.
29. There was a woman who kept a notebook at her desk. One of those marble composition ones. She logged every minute, and I do mean EVERY MINUTE, that she couldn't work due to an IT related issue. And to be clear, it's not because she was getting in trouble for underperforming. She just did this.
If there was a server outage or network problem, she logged it. Okay, fine. Annoying but fine. But if she made a mistake or deleted a file or input something incorrectly or locked up her system by doing the one thing we told her not to do on almost a daily basis (queuing multiple requests to an old database that processed them sequentially)? She logged the time she spent experiencing the error and then the time she had to wait for it to be fixed.
We had two techs for a medium sized business. So if she was in a queue for support for half an hour, IT cost her thirty one minutes of productivity that day. She brought this book with her to every review and meeting where her performance was evaluated. As a matter of policy, any and every issue she raised had to be checked with IT to see if we were at fault. Half a year's worth of tickets sometimes. And it would be stupid crap like "I couldn't work for seven minutes because my computer went blank!" "User rested her foot on the surge protector switch."
30. I had a coworker go on a diet where the only thing that mattered was the weight of the food you were eating.
If it was light you could eat as much as you want, heavy, you have to watch.
Therefore a Snickers bar was better than a salad or broccoli. Cotton candy, you could eat as much as you want cause it weighs next to nothing.
31. Every time the boss is gone for the day he puts this one girl in charge and she always asks if she can fire certain people.