College Admissions Employees Share Tips For Students Who Want To Get Accepted
College Admissions Employees Share Tips For Students Who Want To Get Accepted
[rebelmouse-image 18347353 is_animated_gif=Getting into college is nerve racking simply because you don't always know what they are looking for other than great grades and extra curricular activities, not to mention all of the competition. What if you could have someone inside the system who can tell you just how to catch the eyes of the admissions department? Your lucky day is today!
feelinginside asks:
People who check University Applications. What do students tend to ignore/put in, that would otherwise increase their chances of acceptance?
Start taking notes from this ultimate cheat sheet!
No suck ups, it's about you!
[rebelmouse-image 18346072 is_animated_gif=Never write about the school you're applying to. Write about yourself. Who are you, what do you have to offer, what motivates you, who will you be one day?
Professional advice from University of Chicago
[rebelmouse-image 18347354 is_animated_gif=I read and evaluated applications for the University of Chicago and now, for the last ~6 years, have helped ~300 students apply to college as an admissions consultant, using the insight I gained within a top-5 admissions office.
- I see so many students leave off extracurricular activities because they worry they're not prestigious enough. They leave off hobbies as they didn't realize the 10 hours a week they spent on independent art projects could count as an extracurricular. They don't mention their family obligations, such as having to take care of their 4 younger siblings for many hours each day as their single mom works two jobs. For more insight on what might count on your college app, see my post here.
- They underestimate hours spent on an extracurricular activity. While it is obviously bad to lie/exaggerate your hours, it's not good to underestimate them, either! Last year I worked with an Olympic athlete on her applications. In looking at her original list of extracurricular activities, she had included 15 hours/week as an estimate for her commitment to her sport. I was surprised to hear how low of a time commitment that was, and she remarked "Oh, well, my mom and I have to travel, like, 4 hours roundtrip every day just to get to practice." 4 HOURS EACH DAY!? Add that significant travel time to your activities list, girl! If you, too, have an activity that requires travel time, you can include that time in your estimated hours/week time commitment on your applications. Check out my guide to the activities list for more tips like this.
- Their essays are generic, too, because they fail to include how they think, feel, or view the world differently as a result of their experiences. I cannot tell you how many students' essays I've read that talk about football or piano or their research position and just gives an A to Z guide of their participation in the activity. After a lot of 1-on-1 brainstorming and revisions, the student wrote an excellent essay starting with really cool imagery about the origami artwork hanging from her bedroom ceiling before transitioning into her hobbies. She wrote something like, "Just as distinctly different are the [origami shape 1] and [origami shape 2] hanging above my head are my passions for [activity 1] and [music]---but they both hang in my heart." It was more well-written than that, but I'm pulling from the dregs of my memory. The essay turned out awesome, was super reflective of how the student thought, felt, or viewed the world differently as a result of her experiences and interests, and she's currently at an Ivy League university---in part because she wrote an essay at the Ivy League level.
- Be extremely, extremely specific. Research the school extensively. Find classes that the university offers that you haven't seen at any other school (o-chem doesn't cut it). Mention the curriculum (Core at UChicago or Columbia, Open Curriculum at Brown, for example), and don't just say you like it---really dig into WHY that curriculum exists from a fundamental educational level and what sort of catalyst it will be for your own thinking. Search the school's online newspaper for some cool programs that other prospective students might not know about, talk to current students/alumni (if possible) and incorporate things that you learned. Ask them what underlying qualities the student body possesses (for UChicago, it's a thirst for knowledge, and at Georgetown, it might be some Jesuit value), and evidence your possession of those very same characteristics in your essay. Mention specific professors under whom you wish to study/research, and connect their classes/research back to your own intellectual interests. Better yet, email the professor, have an awesome conversation with them, and incorporate some element of that conversation in your essay. Don't think professors will give you the time of day? This strategy has worked for my 1-on-1 students at Stanford, UChicago, Yale, Princeton, Penn, and many more schools. You can download my guide to emailing professors here. Bottom line: If the essay can be copied and pasted to fit any other university, be more specific.
If you have any questions, I'm all ears. And if you're applying to college or graduate school and want to work with me 1-on-1, check out my website at www.HelpWithApps.com or engage with me on r/ApplyingToCollege.
References and confidence are everything for grad school
[rebelmouse-image 18347356 is_animated_gif=Wow, I can answer this since I work in American higher education! For graduate school, recommendations are absolutely crucial, so be very careful with who you pick. It's normally the first thing universities look at. I recommend someone who will write passionately but honestly about you. It can sometimes be helpful to send your writer your resume and essay submissions as well (and if they're willing to look at and incorporate those documents, they're probably a good writer for you).
Also, self-advocacy is key for your essay submissions, so don't be afraid of coming off as bragging. A lot of students try to be humble (or even vague), which hurts their application since admissions doesn't have time to interpret their essay.
If you have any specific questions about applications, feel free to ask me!
For those applying abroad
[rebelmouse-image 18347357 is_animated_gif=The strongest bit of advice for students applying to a European (particularly UK) University course - don't send a US style personal statement.
Applications in the US tend to be handled by admin staff whereas in the UK/EU by academic staff. These academic staff do not want to read several pages on your non academic interests and skills, it's a waste of their time - focus entirely on your subject based interest and experience. It's often not even worth saying why you want to attend that particular Uni on a UK application, unless it's due to the strength of the department or the teaching staff on the course you are actually taking.
Remember the basics!
[rebelmouse-image 18347358 is_animated_gif=Spellcheck, and check your grammar.
People often forget to answer the most important question: what do you want to study, and why? You'd be surprised how many personal statements I read that are full of fantastic achievements etc, but none of that matters if I can't tell what you're applying for!
No sloppiness, only specificity
[rebelmouse-image 18345108 is_animated_gif=I work in the admissions office of my school. Improper emails, misspellings, terrible handwriting all make us critical of whatever you're going to say next. The thing that agitated me the most however , and probably the people that the actual decisions is your level of research on your career. "Elementary school math teacher" is not what you put in the blank for major, "Education" is a major. It's astounding how many potential students don't do research before applying. Last week we had an applicant that wanted to go to the NFL.... we don't have a football team.
Submit everything online
[rebelmouse-image 18347359 is_animated_gif=Submit your application online. I work in admissions and getting paper applications is not only annoying but it slows down the whole process. For one the amount of spelling errors is alarming and we end up having to call people to see how the correct way to spell their first name. Second as much as it sucks, sometimes paper apps get lost. Get lots in the mail, doesn't get filed properly. Things just move a lot quicker online.
A list of undergrad and graduate tips
[rebelmouse-image 18347360 is_animated_gif=I've worked in admissions to an undergrad honors program.
- Humor is fine, but morbid humor is generally hit or miss.
- I'm scanning your recommendations for actual examples of your awesomeness, as everything is generally going to be boilerplate "best ever!" so if your recommendations have a particulary example "he wrote an essay that made me cry"/"he was the fastest at (whatever)"/"he always stayed to help after" it's helpful. Remind your recommenders of these moments before.
- Also on recs: I've read some REAL BAD ONES. Every once and awhile there is a person who asked the wrong teacher. If a teacher seems reluctant DO NOT TAKE THEIR REC ASK SOMEONE ELSE.
- I'm expecting you to have reasonably good grades, so I'm probably scanning your grades for "mistake" grades that you need to explain elsewhere. Why did you get that D? What classes are your weaker classes? if you got below a C- in a class, you probably need to explain that to me.
- Let someone read your essays for cringe. Please don't write an essay about how a 2 day volunteer trip changed your life unless you actually started volunteering everywhere else/created an NGO for that cause after. I'd rather hear more about your life and activities/hobbies as a whole. Please, if you're going to exaggerate, don't make it something which is basically a lie.
- If you choose to write the diversity essay, be careful and sensitive with what you say.
For graduate school (I've sat on an admissions board here/field specific to social science):
- The rec thing above TIMES A BILLION MORE. Don't just go for a big name if they don't know you, s/he will write you a 1 paragraph s*** rec.
- Your statement of purpose should display (1) your research interest (2) how you've previously done work with it (3) who EXACTLY you will work with. Depending on the school, you can and should reach out to professors to discuss with them, especially in smaller schools.
- Rewrite your statement of purpose over and over, with outside eyes. If you are in undergrad, the career office will and should help you with this.
- Submit everything on time!
- Yes, your GRE counts. Yes, that sucks. If your GRE is below a certain threshold, if your GPA is below a certain threshold, if your recs were less than glowing, or if your SoP was less than well-matched, any of these alone can disqualify you depending on the school.
Explains the holes or deficiencies
[rebelmouse-image 18347361 is_animated_gif=If there are problematic areas in your application (for example, some bad grades or weak extracurricular activities), give me some context. I want to understand why you're still a good candidate. I really want to admit you. As a college, we need the tuition and financial aid money you can provide, and we can't get that unless you're admitted and enroll. So explain those bad grades or other problems that might make me think you would struggle in college. Be careful not to shrug off responsibility for your own actions, though. Ideally, I want to see you take ownership of your struggles and that you've learned from them, with evidence that you've improved.
Always do more
[rebelmouse-image 18347362 is_animated_gif=Show your effort, in any way you can. This doesn't mean to try those gimmicks or to pester the school with unsolicited materials, but do take advantage of every single opportunity and option they offer. Don't just do the standard or minimum amount of effort if you can do more.
Update your info, yikes!
[rebelmouse-image 18347364 is_animated_gif=You'd be surprised how often people use a copy and pasted response to questions, or even their entire admission letter. You can have the best application ever seen, but your chances drop instantly if your admission letter for University X still says "for these reasons and so many more, I believe University Y is the perfect fit for me."
Ok, so go to University Y. Application rejected
Depends on the school...
[rebelmouse-image 18347365 is_animated_gif=I guess this is just at select institutions. I worked in an admissions office for a 8 years and the institution I worked at just cared if you had the correct high school credits, GPA, test scores, no criminal record. If you met that you were admitted and many times even if you did not you still get in. Funding was based on numbers so they didn't give a rats a** about you or your ambitions.
Some specific advice on sharing your dreams
[rebelmouse-image 18347367 is_animated_gif=Hi there, I'm a former Admissions officer for a private liberal arts college.
If the school(s) you're applying to take the Common App, try your best to make it stand out with unique stories or big dreams you have. Admissions offices receive tens of thousands of Common Apps every year, and many of these admissions offices are bored of reading about your 4.0 and involvement in 17 different leadership groups. Our office wants to know why you should get a chance at a stellar secondary education, not why you're already such a smart cookie. We want to put the best and brightest people in a position to succeed for the rest of their life, and as most people know here, GRADES AND CLUBS MEAN NOTHING AFTER GRADUATION.
A good way to address this within the Common App essay: "What have you experienced in your life that made you try to enact a change, better yourself, or cause deep reflection?" Some examples that I read about include, a woman who used her popularity as homecoming queen to organize a school-wide flood cleanup effort, a former athlete whose career-ending injury made him look into his true passion of astronomy, and a programmer who at age 23 wanted so badly to start his own company, but wanted to take management courses to round himself out.
Oh, and of course, spell check, spell check, spell check. Have someone else read your essay for you. Read it out loud in front of a mirror. Make sure the grammar works verbally too.
You're going to be okay. Best of luck to everyone currently working on their applications! :)
How to stand out for the right reasons
[rebelmouse-image 18347368 is_animated_gif=Finally something I can answer about my work.
I assist with admissions for a graduate program at a large University (40,000+ student population). Our program sees over 400 applications per year, first an online application, and then we do in-person interviews. You're probably doing most things right when applying, spell checking your submissions, make sure your references are strong, meet all the requirements, etc..
Things you DON'T want to do - make yourself stand out in a negative way. Any applicant who doesn't submit docs on time, whose interactions with staff are rude/negative/pushy (including reception) - we note and keep track of all of that and you will not be getting an interview, despite what your GPA may be. If you waited until two weeks before the submission deadline to ask a referee to send a letter and they didn't get around to it? Don't call and ask for additional time, there's a deadline and it was your responsibility to meet it. Didn't like the answer you got to an emailed question? Don't come in after seeing our note that we don't do in-person advising, and try and pressure staff into giving you a different answer. Don't, for the love of god, have your parent call or come in on your behalf. There are privacy laws for a reason and we don't want a student who can't ask their own questions. Unsure if your documents reached us? Don't call or email to ask about them; read the instructions we listed that stated to check your online application as all updates will be made there and that we won't take call to confirm. Don't ask to speak to the Department Head or an Admissions Committee member because you have a 'unique' situation. We note everything. We receive enough applications from students who exceed all of our minimum requirements that we can afford to be extremely picky.
The people who do stand out are the ones who did everything that was asked of them; submitted all documents on time, met and completed all requirements, didn't come in when we said not to, didn't make a fuss, were passionate, enthusiastic and had a positive interaction to everyone they interact with.
Devote yourself to something, it will pay off
[rebelmouse-image 18347369 is_animated_gif=Don't just be a resume filler. One year in the environmental club, one year in the history club, one year in the robotics club, etc. shows your just trying to con your way in. Find something you really enjoy and stay devoted to it. Show you're willing to put in work for something you care about, not just go through the motions.
A job looks great!
[rebelmouse-image 18347370 is_animated_gif=Part-time jobs. In this day and age a lot of kids go to college never having held a job. If you did have a part-time job and can get a letter of recommendation from your boss (responsible, hard working, gets along well with others, reliable, honest), it goes a LONG way.
Always submit as much as you can
[rebelmouse-image 18347371 is_animated_gif=I'm a student who works for admissions, so I don't technically decide whether or not you get in, but I do have a good tip.
I'm from a state (hint, it's Delaware) where there is a heavy emphasis on "test-optional" submissions, especially for in-state students, and lots of people think that they will just ignore the test scores and judge you without them.
While this is true, this puts you at a HEAVY disadvantage with the admissions team. They look at test-optionals last, so if they've already gotten close to their admissions quota, they will be much more scrupulous, and it'll be harder to get in. Their logic is that if you don't submit your test scores, you either don't test well, or "aren't smart enough" for the university, which is unfortunate.
So if you want to submit test-optional to a certain large university in Delaware, please please PLEASE only do it if you've got a great GPA, a large amount of extra-, and recommendations from teachers/administrators. Even mediocre test scores are better than no test scores, it seems.
Think about what they are looking for
[rebelmouse-image 18344986 is_animated_gif=Supplementary advice:
Put yourself in the place of the admissions reader. Just imagine how many apps you have to read. Imagine how boring they are. Imagine how many sound like clones. Imagine how many times you have to see the same adjectives. Imagine how happy you are when an original one comes along! In other words, personalize your app. Make it serious, but fun. Show how distinct and creative you are.
Basically, what you want to demonstrate is that you are smart, creative, and above all else, that you will contribute something positive and unique to the University Community.
Grading thousands of college papers each year, I cannot tell you how happy I am when I see someone who thinks differently, who takes the assignment seriously, has fun with it, and who doesn't just offer up the routine stuff.
Good luck!
There is a process
[rebelmouse-image 18347372 is_animated_gif=I used to work in the admissions department of a university in Florida. One thing I learned about the admissions process there: although you're required to submit an essay, it won't even get read unless they can't make up their mind on grades alone. So the best tip I can give is to just not f*** around in high school.
Please don't!
[rebelmouse-image 18347373 is_animated_gif=I used to work in an Admission office and it was remarkable how many students used text language, i.e. LOL, BTW, etc. Just embarrassing
Since silent films began, we have been inundated with love story after love story, where happily ever afters are easily doled out.
Pop culture has molded the idea of romance and pleasure for everyone... just around the riverbend, it seems.
And guess what?
It's all a lie.
Sorry, that came off as bitter.
Actually, I'm not sorry. I am bitter.
Damn you, Julia Roberts, for the unrealistic expectations you've passed on to us through all your movies.
Redditor dwightanddilbert wanted to discuss and dig into the truth about how we've been duped on matters of the heart and lust, so they asked:
"What’s the biggest lie pop culture taught us about sex and romance?"
I learned long ago to give up on the movie love dream. But they're still fun to watch.
Being Real
bad romance....Giphy"That love is easy and relationships will have romance just fall into your lap if it's meant to be. Real life is not a movie and it gives people a very wrong image of what a healthy relationship looks like."
trevmc1
Happily Now...
"That there is a point you reach where you get your Happily Ever After. Then you just get to coast. That's not how relationships work - it's not the moment he tells you at the NYE party how he loves that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out or when you get married in a big ballgown."
"It's all the little moments, the everyday caring, the small affections and the avoidances of trust pitfalls. They add up to a Happily Now. But there's not a point you can hang your hat up and say, 'Okay. I got this marriage thing sorted out. Now I get to do whatever I want.'"
Carl__Gordon_Jenkins
“What about sleep?!?!”
"That we’re supposed to have long sex sessions. Honestly a good 15-20 mins is pretty good for me."
ItsMeThereHair
"When I was 20ish I was in a car with a few coworkers. A couple of them got to talking about longest active session. The girl was 18 hours and the guy said 24 hours."
"All I could think was 'what about sleep?!?!' ( I’ve always loved sleeping). At the time I was with my now hubby and back then we were more the under 5 minute get the job done types. Now we appreciate longer sessions but I’m ready to tap out at 20 minutes. If we get to 45, he’s out of luck."
Environmental-Car481
Know the Difference
"Persistence usually isn't romantic. It's usually creepy."
Pissed_Off_Pacifist
"Yep, thanks for mentioning it. I wasted many, many years pursuing that one guy I thought was the one. His friends liked me. He made compliments on my looks and on my skills. Everything seemed promising, so why didn't it turn out the way I wanted?"
"Well, surprisingly, some people just aren't romantically interested in you, no matter how much work you put into it. So easy to understand, but so hard to accept. Neither my stubbornness nor a miracle could turn the friendship we had into a relationship. Plus, I must've seemed desperate, which is unattractive as hell."
"It's okay to take your time, but it's also necessary to know when move on. Really just better for everyone."
OneGhastlyGhoul
Shut Up!
Disney Wedding GIFGiphy"For the love of God, DO NOT interrupt a wedding. It will not go how you think it will."
dcbluestar
"As a joke at our friend's wedding some girl stood up and said wait. Literally every head turned around so fast and although it was known to the bride and groom as a joke I think everyone was thinking wtf and she was about as red as a tomato."
Kyell
The drama queen in me knows it would be wrong, but who wouldn't love to witness a wedding interruption?!?!
Magic
Anne Hathaway Actors On Actors GIF by PBS SoCalGiphy"If you just take off your glasses and put your hair down, you'll be Anne Hathaway."
Poorly-Drawn-Beagle
Gross Truth
"That there's no such thing as clean up afterwards. Everyone just has a slight, post-coital, glisten and that's about as far as it goes. No awkward wet waddle. No wet spot on the mattress that gets cold way too quickly so you both bend your bodies around it so you can still snuggle without touching it."
"No sex towel that probably should've been washed about two weeks ago and is getting to the point where it might make a worthy substitute for a crowbar with how stiff it is."
"Oh, and if you do it in a horror movie, you're 100% gonna die."
ACalcifiedHeart
Calm Down
"That sex always has to be very serious and profound. And I don't mean serious as in commitment, but as in how we behave. Some of the best sex I have ever had has involved cracking jokes."
Needydadthrowaway
"Or sleepy sex where the nights too late but you both just want to crank it out and sleep."
hogtiedcantalope
It can work...
"Opposites attract."
chingudo
"This is actually really untrue. While it is possible, and also, in my opinion, really rare for opposites to attract, they definitely do not a majority of the time. We tend to fall for people who are like-minded to us. People who have similar values, morals, thoughts, etc... to us."
AwesomeKitty6842
"So I married an opposite. Has not been easy but I think has been really good for both of us overall. That being said if it ever fell apart I would 100% look for someone more like me. Everything, and I mean everything, is a lot of work and requires so much communication between us."
notgreatnotbadsoso
Get a Chance
Brendon Urie Flirt GIF by Panic! At The DiscoGiphy"Two extremes:"
"1- If you're a stalker, they'll eventually give you a chance."
"2- If you're the nice guy/the best friend, they'll eventually give you a chance."
"#2 messed me up for a very long time."
plasma_dan
Lesson learned. Never trust the love stories in pop culture.
And fairytales lie!!
Being single is not a crime.
It can in fact be a super power.
Alone, with no one to hold you down.
But no matter how powerful, you still have to explain why you can't find a partner.
Like, why are you so emotionally deficient you can't find someone to care about you?
It's all a mess no matter the answer.
So let's hear from the singles best of the best.
Redditor XqueezeMePlease wanted to hear the answers about why they do life alone, so they asked:
"What to respond when someone asks 'Why are you still single?'"
Single and unloveable.
That's my Tinder title.
Too much?
Truth
The Gregory Brothers Writing It Down GIF by VidConGiphy"'Because I have raging personality flaws that I'm unwilling to work on.'"
"Usually prevents any follow up questions."
cesar_chris
"As a couple"
"'Have you seen the economy!?'"
YuuHikari
"In this economy?? Hahaha but I know people that live together 'as a couple' just because is cheaper then separate. I live in Brazil, but I know Brazilians in Portugal that live in 3 couples in a small 3 bedroom condo, just because 6 peoples working to share a rent is the only way to make the month."
aldeboy
Stay Calm
"Social anxiety."
Ornery_Bug_4108
"Yeh, too anxious to talk even approach and even then I know that while I am trying to manage it, I don’t feel like I’m loveable or attractive because of it, but of course that could be the dysthymia talking. So why bother, I’ve just been learning how to be by myself seeing as that’s where things are heading."
SayJose
Let's Date
"I don't meet people (who could be potential partners), and I think more and more that I am not a 'date' type of person."
visnjapile
"You missed the arranged marriage era it might have worked out for you, perhaps you could borrow someone’s overbearing Mother to find you a match."
Cryptoglue
"I have a couple of coworkers, one is Bangladeshi, the other is Indian. Their parents were like 'times are changing, you can marry for love if you want and we'll support you' and my coworkers were like 'wtf, you mean I'd have to DATE? F**k that, please find me a husband.'"
"Anyway one is now happily married and the other is constantly roasting her dad because he keeps offering her deadbeats riding on their dad's coattails."
Halospite
Picky
Alicia Silverstone Cherilyn Horowitz GIF by filmeditorGiphy"Go full on Cher from Clueless: 'You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!'"
AlanaByrd
God Bless 'Clueless.'
Drama!
Braxton Family Values Drama GIF by WE tvGiphy"Because I'd rather be alone and happy than dealing with someone else’s f**kin’ work drama and emotional problems. LOL."
Schnozzletov
"Being in a relationship seems so exhausting, I've been single for several years now and have absolutely no urge to date."
arrjaay
MY MONEY!!
"Why not?"
xepci0
"That’s basically my response when my extended family asks this. They all have that small town, hurry up and settle down mentality, and are ALWAYS on my case about being single with no kids whenever I visit. Took me far too long to realize some of them are actually jealous. My money is MY MONEY. My time is MY TIME. I don’t have to confer with anyone before making a decision."
Thesqueegeable
I live alone...
"I tell the truth. I'm shy and don't really meet new people. I've not added to my friend group, aside from partners of existing friends, in about 20 years. At work I have acquaintances from work - they're nice people but I don't communicate with them outside of work. I live alone, I work mainly alone, I don't have any hobbies or interest groups."
Shi*BritGit
Tragedy
"Dating in your 30s and 40s is either a game of 'Find the fault or tragedy' or taking on being a step-parent. I really don’t want to deal with either. My tragedy is I worked 10-16 hours a day, six days a week from 20-38, and it ruined two long-term relationships. Retired at 40, no regrets.FortyandDone
"It is hard to meet people in their 40s without kids or horrible issues! I actually got really lucky and found someone on tinder of all places lol. It took a year though. When I was single I didn’t have a lot of people ask me why. But I have resting b*tch face so maybe that was a factor. lol."
tnicole1976
Thank you, Next...
Flying Kiss Flirting GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"I'd take it as a compliment as that means you don't have any obvious bad qualities that would make you undatable to them. Nobody would ever ask me that question lol as there are many obvious reasons they could come up with."
Hatedbythemasses
Being single isn't the worst.
Do you have any reasons why being single is a positive? Let us know in the comments below.
Let's face it, when emotions are running high and something important is at stake, we're bound to make mistakes and either say or do the wrong thing.
This might even be especially true of parents.
But even if our angriest and most vulnerable moments, there are things we should never, ever say to a child.
Redditor son_of_x asked:
"What are things parents should never say to their children?"
Exposure Therapy
"Don’t make your kids do the things you’re afraid to face."
"When I was a kid, my mom dumped all that s**t on me. Rent was late? I had to face the landlord. She’d try to convince me it was a fun game, like see how fast you can run to his door, drop a check in the mail slot, and run back to the car."
"Even at ten years old, I knew it wasn’t a d**n game. All she was doing was transferring her anxiety directly to me."
"Be honest with your kid about the s**tty situations you might be in, but don’t make them carry the weight in your place."
- Ineedyoursway
They're to Blame
"NEVER tell a child that the divorce is their fault."
- ashabranch
"I remember back when I was like 10, my mom didn’t take me to school one morning because she was upset that the clothes in my dresser weren’t folded."
"My dad had to take me to school instead. And on the way there, he yelled, 'You’re tearing this family apart!’"
"I’m like... Bro, if unfolded clothes in a dresser are what tears this family apart, then you all have other sh*t to be concerned about."
- _mike_hunt
Life: Ruined
"'Having you ruined my life,' is the worst I ever heard."
- Tough_Stretch
No Accountability
"'I don't remember that, that never happened!' when a kid brings up a past trauma."
- dafrstofus
"My MIL (Mother-in-Law) [96] is the healthiest human I know with the caveat that she has the usual ailments that affect old arteries, etc. She has three sons, my Dear Husband (70), a slightly older, quasi-celebrity brother, and a younger brother. They work like animals. They can’t help it, although they should try."
"Every single time my husband brings up a childhood memory, my MIL rebuffs it by saying the incident he’s recalling never happened. No one’s allowed to have a memory but her."
"It drives my husband (and me) up a wall. We live fairly close to her, but he struggles so much with spending time with her because of this."
"She just tells him, 'That’s not true.' Instead of embracing what he and they remember, she shuts them down."
- l31l4j4d3
Controlling Diet
"My mom stuck me on this super restrictive diet when I was 11. The entire diet was the whole reason I struggled with eating disorders in my childhood."
"I brought it up in therapy at 17 and at first, she claimed it never happened. Then she remembered talking to doctors about my weight, then googling diets for children, and then putting me on a diet sounded like something she would've done... but it still didn't happen."
"Gotta love her. But, to be honest, I can't even say I love my mom."
"I was the neglected child as she had four other kids, and I'm the middle one. After some point, I stopped wanting my mom's approval for anything."
"I actually had my therapist ask me what a good mother-daughter relationship would look like to me if we were to ever get close, and I honestly couldn't answer."
"It's weird to think that the one thing I wanted my entire childhood, I don't want now. At least not with my biological mother."
"My boyfriend's mom, on the other hand, is amazing, and I love the mother-daughter-like relationship we have. I'm still in awe that I even found a family that loves me as if I were their biological kid."
- pumpkinthighs
Whose Opinion?
"Your opinion doesn’t matter."
"That one still haunts me and is the reason I never speak up."
- TapReasonable2678
Foster Care Warnings
"Threaten to send them to live in foster care if they don't do what the parent wants. My mother used to use that threat if she saw me picking my nose. I didn't realize how f**ked up that was until I was an adult."
- adeon
"I remember my mom doing this. That I need to just stay in my room and be quiet, or she'd send me away. F**ked me up, man. I was probably around six."
- Substantial_Part_952
Body-Shaming
"This is kind of a low bar as far as bad things my parents did goes (they also hit us for far dumber reasons than not eating our food)."
"When I was a kid, my parents were very controlling. Now, that meant, among other things, that they didn't let me go outside, for fear that neighbor kids would wander by and I'd hear things that went against my parents' ideologies. It also meant that they controlled exactly what and how much I ate. As in, if I didn't want to clean my plate, I was beaten."
"Well, I was also a fat kid, and given how much control I had over both my food intake and the exercise I could do (since I couldn't go outside), I didn't have much say in the matter."
"My parents gave me so much s**t about it over the years, though. Like, even if you were allowed to have some agency in your life, you shouldn't get that kind of s**t. It was pretty miserable."
"Anyway, when I went away to college, I was finally on my own, and I took charge of that. Everybody was warning me about the freshman 15, but I was looking at my intake. That's not great of course, but I lost a couple of pounds. Not even that much."
"And then I went back home for winter break, and my parents were all, 'Oh, you're too thin, you need to eat more,' and I was like, 'No, I'm good, thanks.' At one point, my dad said, 'Eat more or I'm kicking you out of my house.'"
"And so I gained that weight back over the break, and by the end, they were back to giving me s**t about it."
"So, I dunno. Maybe don't be such a d**k about your kid's weight. Certainly not with demands and expectations that oscillate between two extremes like they did."
- Aperture_T
Mind Games
"'Until you start paying bills, you have no rights, so you’re d**n right I’m coming into your room whenever I feel like it, and I can take anything I want from it, too, because it’s actually mine.'"
"'You’re too stupid and lazy to be able to make it in the real world. And if someone ever did hire you, they’d fire you as soon as they realized what a mistake they’d made.'"
"'You have no idea how much you cost me. I could do X, Y, or Z things if I didn’t always have to pay for your crap.'"
"'We’re free thinkers in this house,' but then rages when I express a thought/opinion that’s different than theirs."
"'You’re just a kid, what do you have to be depressed about?' or 'You have nothing to be depressed about.'"
"After I told a doctor how I was actually feeling, they said, 'You can’t be that stressed, you’re just a kid! Are you trying to make me look like a bad parent?!'"
"Yes, I’m in therapy now."
- Ki-Larah
Useless
"Don't tell kids they're useless. The variant I used to get from Dad was posed as a question, 'Are you good for ANYTHING?!'"
" I mean, how was eight-year-old me supposed to answer that?"
"High school valedictorian, graduated from one of the US services academies, have a good, steady career, and live 2000 miles from where I grew up (wonder why?). But I was more into reading than outdoor sports, hunting, or working in our garden all summer, so not 'manly' enough for him at the time."
"It took until my mid-50s before we became close, and he passed away two months ago. Lots of wasted time."
- JEFFinSoCal
Intentional Provocation
"My dad antagonizing me purposely and then saying, 'dOn'T bE sO sEnSiTiVe,' when I get upset about the s**t he says."
- LianOLis
An Important Reminder
"Moms, stop criticizing your body in front of your daughters!!"
- buceethevampslayer
"Seriously! My mother would say that she hated her body and that we looked 'so alike' in the same breath, it was very damaging."
- 97ratsinatrenchcoat
Comparison Culture
"Comparing them to others, talking about their weight, focusing on the negatives or their wrongdoings, constantly dismissing them, unwilling to hear their opinions because of the 'I'm right, you're wrong' mentality."
"There's so much."
- The_gentle_one
Confusing Lessons
"Always punishing and complaining about what you shouldn't do, but never saying or rewarding what you should."
- RoDeltaR
The Perfect Rebuttal
"'I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it,' was my mom's favorite."
- belle254
"What I wish I would have said back: 'No, you can't. You'd be arrested, and the world would view you as a monster and a psychopath.'"
- Narren_C
While parenting carries with it a lot of demands, there are certain things that absolutely should not be done, including statements that should never be uttered.
It's clear the damaging impact they have when they are used. Avoid them at all cost.
Not all knowledge is power.
Some knowledge is straight-up horror-inducing.
I mean, I suppose it's good to know as much bad stuff as possible so we can try to avoid it all.
Redditor Possible_Hawk495 wanted to hear about all of the worst possible things in life, so they asked:
"What is a disturbing fact you wish you never knew?"
I'm not sure I'm ready for this...
"WARNING - The following is not for the faint of heart or anyone under 17. Or anyone with a pulse probably..."
Preferences
Whitney Houston Reaction GIFGiphy"It's illegal in India to find out the gender of your baby, because so many prefer boys over girls."
dont_u_know
"Just like China, they don't think long term enough about it."
Rock_of_Spaces
While You Were Sleeping
"That one can be aware they are in coma and not able to get out of it. I get anxious just thinking about it."
tooshyforreddit
"I’ve been in a coma, it’s different experiences based on the conditions, I believe. I was in it when I had multiple organ failure when I was 22."
"Even though you’re aware, I wouldn’t equate my experience to being fully aware and stuck. It kind of feels like when you wake up from a very very deep nap, and things seem fuzzy. Weirdly enough being in that state for a few week was some of the most peaceful my body ever felt being honest."
JelloisYummy
Horrifying
"Just how painful and torturous extreme radiation sickness is."
Scarfs-Fur-Frumpkin
"Between that video and the scene in HBO’s Chernobyl where the firefighter is screaming for help in the hospital as his skin falls off, I have learned not to be too cavalier about the use of nuclear armaments or nuclear safety."
aspidities_87
The usual suspects...
"After any significant natural disaster or conflict starts up, human traffickers swarm to the country looking for unattended children. Law enforcement will start watching ports of entry for the usual suspects... the usual suspects."
Ausramm
Good Lord
Red Carpet Teeth GIF by Recording Academy / GRAMMYsGiphy"A toddler's adult teeth are right below their eyes."
SuvenPan
"Yeah, I saw a photograph of a small child's skull with part of the area around the jaw removed and it's just packed with teeth."
CRtwenty
My teeth were where? OMG!
From the Inside
"Tarantula hawks are giant flying wasps that sting tarantulas, inducing paralysis. They then drag the paralyzed tarantula back to their nest and lay eggs in them. The eggs hatch, and the larvae slowly devour the still-alive, paralyzed tarantula from the inside."
GlassHalfFullofAcid
Fatality
"Rabies. Just everything about rabies."
spade13F
"Once you're symptomatic, 99.99% fatality rate and that 'lucky' iota that survive in medically-induced comas end up with permanent neurological damage. Also, the horrifying hallucinations."
Tiny_Parfait
"Rabies is pretty interesting. if you are vaccinated then it's 100% preventable, if not your chance of dying is 99.9%."
Unaccounted_fart
After the Hatch
"I remember watching an episode of the show Monsters Inside Me where this 16-year-old kid was doing something outside and a fly flew into his eye. It only made contact for about a microsecond, but it was enough time for it to lay eggs. After they hatched they started eating his eye from the inside and he was starting to go blind until a doctor finally figured out what was wrong."
"Just imagine that, getting your eye eaten from the inside and losing your sight all because a fly very briefly made contact with you. Ever since I learned about this I get really paranoid when there is a fly around my face because of the fact that this could possibly happen to me."
-eDgAR-
The Spine Attack
"A guy I used to work with had either a condition or got a virus (I don't remember which, this was about 20 years ago) that attacked his spine; he went to bed fine and woke up the next day totally paralyzed from the waist down. He spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair. There was no slow progression, just walking fine one day and completely unable to walk the next."
"I just looked up his obituary (he passed in 2011) he apparently had Transverse Myelitis that led him to become paralyzed."
A911owner
Put it Back
Giphy"Seems obvious when you think about it, but after an autopsy, they don't put everything back where they found it. It goes in a bag in the abdominal cavity."
clevebeat
Well I'll never sleep again.
Do you have anything to add? Let us know in the comments below.