Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people. Even your best friends. And the worst is, sometimes it really reveals their true colors, to see who these people are under stress. And it's not pretty.
u/anonmoh laid it out for us:
My [31F] best friend [30F] is a mega bridezilla and just revealed that I’m pregnant, when I haven’t even told any of my own family yet, and even though I may miscarry.
I'm the matron of honour in my best friend's wedding. When she asked me over a year ago, I was so psyched. My own wedding was very small and low key, and hers is anything but - and I was so happy to be a part of it. I love hosting parties, so I was especially looking forward to the shower and bachelorette that I could throw her.
This wedding has brought out the absolute worst in my friend. It's been an endless source of drama for the past year, and not in the way that all weddings are - it's crisis after crisis, and it came to a head this week.
I'll spare you the details of past dramas, because this post would stretch for miles, but in summary: nothing anyone does is good enough, so much work has been thrown my way that I feel completely used and burnt out, and the world revolves only around her. Example: my mom is going through chemo for a very aggressive cancer. My friend never asks how she's doing; her sole topics of conversation is the wedding and how much she hates her future in-laws. I don't expect my mom's shitty cancer to monopolize our conversation, and I'm more than happy to talk about the wedding for hours, but seriously, an inquiry to see how my mom/I am holding up would be grand.
Getting Into It
Ok, onto the actual issue. I'm eight weeks pregnant with my second child. Planned pregnancy, and the bride knew we were trying months ago and it wasn't an issue then apparently.
I told her almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant - I wanted to get ahead of it and not surprise her when we go to a dress fitting, for example, and I refuse champagne. When I told her, I swore her to secrecy. I told her I wasn't even telling my family or my husband's family until we're out of the first trimester because we've had a few miscarriages and man does it suck to have to tell your family you've miscarried. She said she understood and would keep it quiet. The wedding is in two months and my dress is a loose empire waist - no one will know I'm pregnant there, and I was happy keeping it that way.
Earlier this week we're off doing wedding things and she says casually that her future mother-in-law thinks I should be demoted to bridesmaid since I'm pregnant. My immediate response: how the hell does she know I'm pregnant? I think she was surprised I'd caught her, and she stuttered out that her fiancé told the mother-in-law. I don't think that's true, as I was on the phone later that day with her mother, who congratulated me. So now both sides of the wedding know.
I'm so incredibly pissed and hurt. These people don't know my family, so I'm not too concerned about it getting back to them, but my immediate concern is what happens if i miscarry. I'll presumably have people congratulating me at the upcoming shower, and I'll either get to grit my teeth and say thanks to avoid drama/making the shower about me, or I'll tell them what's happened and make it the shittiest shower ever. I'm so pissed right now I'm leaning to option two. Obviously I'm hoping this pregnancy sticks, but with a history of miscarriages, this is where my mind goes.
I feel betrayed. I haven't confronted her because in the moment she told me I was so shocked I froze, which is my go-to stress response. She doesn't know how hurt I am. I've realized that this is the last straw of this friendship - the entire wedding has strained us, and this event did it in.
The Plan
My initial plan was ghosting after the wedding. I'll be a good matron of honour because it's the right thing to do, but after she leaves for the honeymoon, I'm going to fade away. She's so self absorbed I doubt she'll notice. But then my husband suggested I just walk out, tell her I feel betrayed, leave the wedding, and end it now. And I can't help but admit, I really, really want to - I am so angry that the thought of attending the wedding and hosting the shower makes me ill. It's complicated by the fact that despite the wedding's size, the wedding party itself is just me and the best man - there's no obvious next bridesmaid to step up if I walk.
Thoughts on what I should do? Burn this mother fucker to the ground and moonwalk outta here? Or act like a civilized human and go through with the wedding?
TLDR: mega bridezilla told everyone in her wedding I'm pregnant, even though I haven't told my family, and even though I'm at risk for a miscarriage. I'm very concerned I might have to tell all of these random people I've miscarried. More than that, I'm betrayed and hurt by her behaviour. I want to do a runner on the whole wedding and end our friendship in flames. Should I?
Edit: because there's some confusion in the comments, the bride doesn't actually want to demote me, unfortunately. That is what her mother-in-law wants, and it was told to me in a "can you believe she'd think that?" sort of way.
Edit 2: thanks all for the responses, I super appreciate it. I went into this thinking that walking was obviously the wrong choice, but I've come to feel it's justified. I'm drafting a polite, graceful-as-I-can-manage email about how I'm hurt and can't in good conscience be her matron of honour feeling like this. Again, thanks all!
Here is some of the advice she got.
One
You have more important things in your life right now than a selfish bridezilla who betrayed your trust. Walk away so you and your husband can focus on your pregnancy and time with your mother.
Two
I'm so sorry she broke your trust that way. That sucks and I wish you a happy, healthy pregnancy. And I'm sorry about your mother, I hope she's responding to treatment.
I'm with your husband, walk. She's been a terrible friend to you. Do what's best for your mental and physical health, walk and don't feel any guilt over it.
Three
Giphy"Friend, I asked you to keep that a secret. You know about the miscarriages, you know I'm upset and afraid and you told people anyway. honestly, between that and the way you've been acting in general lately, I've had to rethink our friendship. It wouldn't be right for me to be in your wedding, since at this point I no longer really see you as a friend. I wish you the best, good luck with everything."
Honestly I'd just text that to her and ignore her when she freaked out. Block her if you need to, you have your own sh*t to focus on and you don't need her stress and her bullsh*t.
Four
despite the wedding's size, the wedding party itself is just me and the best man - there's no obvious next bridesmaid to step up if I walk.
That's her problem, not yours. Anyway:
she says casually that her future mother-in-law thinks I should be demoted to bridesmaid since I'm pregnant.
There's no way this was a "casual" aside. The bride mentioned it to test the waters, to see if you'd go, "oh wow, your MIL is right, allow me to demote myself." In any case, she clearly has someone in the wings to replace you with.
With no disrespect meant, you're only a maid-of-honour. The success of the wedding is not dependent on you. If you walk out now, your friend will throw a tantrum, will elevate someone else to the position, and the wedding will continue on as planned. Sure, she'll tank your friendship over it, but it's tanked anyway. She has no respect for you or your family. It's far better to leave now and give her two months to pick up the pieces, than to go through the next two months-worth of wedding-related events seething with anger and betrayal whilst trying to pretend you adore her.
Or act like a civilized human and go through with the wedding?
Act like a civilized, self-respecting person and send her your resignation now.
Five
You're pregnant, your mother is going through chemotherapy and you don't need another two months of stress. Your friend will love the drama she can spin from you ending the friendship, but you can ride off to the sunset with your family and leave it all behind.
Six
GiphyI'd drop her now. Return the dress, shoes, anything you've bought that you don't want to keep and walk out of her life. She clearly does not respect you, nor does she care for you aside from your involvement in making her wedding get to its end goal.
She sounds like she's become a wretch to have in anyone's life, and deserves nothing from you. However I think it would be important to tell her. Something along the lines of:
"I need you to understand I will not be participating in your wedding party, or wedding any longer. I understand you are excited and busy preparing for your event, however there is no reason or excuse to be so unkind and disrespectful to me and my family. I feel that I have been a good friend to you, that we were bestfriends, but your lack of empathy for my mother fighting cancer, and disrespect towards me and my husband when you told others about my early pregnancy after I swore you to secrecy has shown me that you must not consider me a friend. I am hurt beyond words and therefore must withdraw from your wedding. Take care."
Seven
I had a miscarriage and had to tell some friends and family about it because I had jumped the gun and revealed the pregnancy too early. It was awful. I can't imagine having to do that because a friend revealed your pregnancy without permission. I'm rooting for you and your baby...but if the worst happens and you miscarry you should throw your friend under the bus. Respond to congratulations by saying, "I'm sorry to say that I had a miscarriage. I've actually had several miscarriages and asked friend not to reveal the pregnancy to anyone because I didn't want to end up having this conversation. But apparently she went behind my back and told everyone. It really sucks. But enough about me, how are you?" Seriously, throw her under the bus as hard as you can.
Eight
Stress isn't going to help that baby stick. Get outta that entire situation and begin the future without her now, not later.
Wishing you all the best sticky baby vibes I can muster. No matter what the fallout is from walking away from this wedding, it will be so much healthier for you, your husband, and the baby than staying inside the dumpster fire.
My mom survived some heinous chemo too. Go take that new, extra, stress-free (relative, I mean life is intense) time and spend it on your loved ones like her.
Nine
GiphyWhy wait? My ex best friend went full Bridezilla and after a phone call where she accused me of not doing enough for her as MOH in regards to "her special day" and insinuated I was jealous of her marrying some potato peeler in the military, I hung the phone up and never spoke to her again. You do not need the extra stress in your life right now.
Ten
If you were planning on ghosting her, there's no time like the present. I will say a lil prayer for anonmoh jr bc I believe good intentions help good people.
Even if you didn't have prior disappointments, you don't share other people's announcements until the second trimester and they themselves have announced it and got their praise and well wishes. What your friend did was fucked up.
More general advice? If someone threatens to demote you in the wedding party or remove you? Just say I appreciate you thinking of me in the first place but I won't be sending a gift.
Eleven
If there is a time to be selfish is now, I had 3 miscarriages and I know how hard it is. I think you are really tired of this bridezilla friend and you need to relax and rest as much as you can in this period. If you managed to keep with your matron of honour duties without feeling stressed, fine. If not, I think you know the answer.
Twelve
GiphyBurn it to the ground. The right thing to do is take care of yourself and offer your mom as much comfort and love as you can while she goes through chemo. I found out my mom was dying of cancer midway through my BFF's wedding planning, and she did exactly the right things. She saved mental space to ask after me and my mom regularly, she let me know I could do whatever I needed to get through that time, and while she prioritized her wedding when it was appropriate, she made sure I knew that her wedding wasn't more important than my grief. Your friend should be doing all of these things, and she's doing exactly the opposite.
Thirteen
I do not wish to be in your situation. What I would advise my wife if she were; do whatever will bring you less stress. That is what this will come down to. Do whatever you need to get through this pregnancy with a healthy baby.
Is leaving the wedding and having to deal with the "guilt stress" that could possibly come from a decision like that a bigger stressor? I would recommend sticking it out and finishing through with your commitment and then ending the relationship on your own terms afterwards.
If you literally have no care about whether or not you committed; is facing all those people at the wedding and dealing with the emotions connected to your betrayal is the bigger stressor? Then walk out and do your thing.
Best wishes!
Fourteen
Personally, I would attend the wedding. Stick to your commitment and be the better person. After the wedding is over, you should just be honest with her. She needs to know she can't treat people like that. Let her know she broke your trust and that she's been impossible through all the planning. I think it's the healthiest way to handle it. If she doesn't care, then you can just distance yourself from her.
Fifteen
GiphyI bowed out of my ex-best friend's wedding many years ago and told her why (via email). No regrets. She'd become a selfish and miserable human being after high school. Truthfully, she always was that way to some degree, but I was so happy to have a best friend that I overlooked a ton of her bad behavior because I reasoned that I was hardly perfect, either. But I was so much happier with her out of my life. It was like a burden was lifted from my shoulders that was weighing me down immensely. I haven't missed her a single day.
I think you should bow out of the wedding and tell your soon-to-be-ex friend why - she hasn't supported you with your mother's illness, has become impossible to be around, nothing is ever good enough for her, constantly creates drama, and now she told everyone that you're pregnant when you specifically told her not to. Tell her you wish her well but just can't deal with the level of stress and drama she brings to everything now.
People like this rarely learn from or respond well to criticism, but she should still be told what she did to lose a long friendship. She needs to know that her behavior has consequences. Be prepared for the tantrum, the vicious list of all your faults and failings, her telling everyone she knows her own version of events where she didn't do anything wrong and you are the worst friend ever. Give her nothing but silence in return. Don't read her emails, listen to her voicemails, return her calls, whatever. Make sure to freeze her out via social media, too.
Best wishes for a healthy and stress-free pregnancy.
Sixteen
Putting all emotions aside, you need to do what is best for your mental and physical health, especially with a pregnancy. Stress can cause physiological responses in the body, such as increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, lowered immune system (I could go on). Stress while you're pregnant can also be harmful to the pregnancy, causing potential health problems to your and baby. You've already suffered two miscarriages, adding stress to your body could definitely put your pregnancy in serious extra strain causing it to self-abort and result in a third miscarriage so your body can focus on your and not a baby. As hard as it would/will be to back out, it is honestly the best thing you can do for yourself and your growing family. Just explain to her that due to your previous miscarriages, you are more of a high risk pregnancy and that you need to eliminate as many unnecessary stresses in your life to focus on your health and remain relaxed.
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.