If you're going to have your day in court, you might want to show up with a lawyer.
Don't get us wrong: You absolutely have the right to defend yourself, but it isn't exactly recommended by most legal experts.
If you're curious as to why, look no further than "What's the worst defense you've seen someone make in court?" by Redditor X100123, which we'll regard as a primer for everything you totally should not do should you find yourself on the stand.
"I knew a guy..."
I knew a guy who said that the police who responded to the domestic that he had perpetrated had no right to charge him with meth possession since the meth was so pure, no one could have seen it.
"Then she saw..."Giphy
Friend of mine once got a ticket for leaving her car standing in the marked off no parking zone in front of a grocery store, which she thought was outrageous because she was just running in to get a pack of smokes.
Then she saw how much the ticket was for, something like $120, which she thought was just ridiculous because damn it, she was just running in for a pack of smokes. I mean, come on, how is that worth $120?
So her plan was to go to court and contest the ticket and point out to the judge how ridiculous that was and offer to compromise at like maybe $40 because for Pete's sake, she was just running in for a pack of smokes and let's be reasonable here.
Yes, her plan was to haggle with the judge over how much the ticket should be worth.
So she goes to court and sits there most of the day waiting for her case to be called. And eventually she gets bored and goes outside to grab a smoke and hang out. And while she's out there, her case is called. She missed the whole thing, didn't even get to try the whole "come on, $120? For that? Come on, I'll give you $40 and even that's highway robbery" defense on the judge and got hit for the full value of the ticket plus court costs.
"I gave testimony..."
I gave testimony as a health professional in a child custody case. The mother wanted to revoke the father's joint physical custody of the 8-year old girl.
The issue was that girl was asked to wipe her father's butt, apply lotion, and wash his genitals.
The father's case was that because he was obese, fatigued, suffering from frequent diarrhea, and taxed to take care of his own hygiene without assistance, it was acceptable for her to do this as long as she wore gloves to avoid contracting hepatitis c from him.
He also argued that it taught her a lesson about compassion and caring for those unable to do so themselves, and helped them to bond. Truly incredible.
My sister told the judge that the light "wasn't that red". Then he said he was going to suspend her license and she said "but my dad already took it away."
"A domestic abuse case..."
A domestic abuse case, the husband was the accused. The couple was in their late 70s or early 80s.
When asked if he did indeed abuse his wife, the husband started complaining that some 40 years ago the wife pretended to be ill and he had to do the laundry all by himself, as if he expected the judge to just go "oh okay, I guess that's cool then."
"I took a guy..."
I took a guy to small claims court. His defense was "I didn't have the product, so I couldn't ship it to him, obviously." The judge was like "but you took his money?" The guy: "Yea, so I could buy the product and ship it to him." Judge: "Did you do that?" Guy: "Not yet." Judge: "do you have his money?" Guy: "No, I had had an emergency and had to spend it." That was that, I won.
"This was in..."
"It was Independence Day your honor. A day to celebrate the freedoms that our forefathers fought and died for. A day to celebrate what this country is. So yes, judge, I DID do some meth. For freedom."
This was in a drug treatment court.
"Was sitting in court..."
Was sitting in court for traffic violation, the guy in front of me had a speeding ticket, to fight it he pulled out a large stack of papers, about 3/4 of an inch thick. The stack of papers was a law he pulled out from the 1990s from a different country. The poor judge had to read through.
"I watched a friend..."
I watched a friend try a DWI case. Her client testified that she wasn't drunk while driving, and therefore not guilty, because she was actually high on meth at the time. My friend put her head down and started hitting her head against the desk. GUUUILLLLLTTTTYYYYY.