To be a so-called "nice guy" is "to be timidly chivalrous in public and wholeheartedly misogynistic in private," as one Redditor noted after a fellow member of the online community asked the women to share stories about their experiences with the "nice guys" who've left a mark on their dating lives.
"Has anyone ever given a "nice guy" a chance after they've thrown a tantrum because you didn't let them treat you like a queen? And if you did, how did it work out?" –– This was today's burning question from Redditor targetgoldengoose, and the replies were illuminating.
"I finally allowed him..."
I finally allowed him to take me on a date to breakfast. Figured midday would be ideal to meet up in public.
I offended him immediately when I spoke to the waitress. I said, "We have two" when she asked how many we had. He insisted that she was asking him, not me, and I emasculated him in public. I laughed it off as a joke. I grew up with all brothers. Surely, he was trying to be funny.
We sat down. The waitress asked for our order. I gave her mine. He groaned and asked her to come back in a second. He told me proper protocol was for me to discuss what I wanted to eat with him, allow him to make the decision, and he was supposed to relay that to the waitress - not me!
I told him he was crazy and left. Blocked his number. Ghosted completely.
"It got to the point..."
I dated a "nice guy" for three years. First he did treat me like a queen. Put me up on a pedestal, flattered me, bought me things. He made me feel really good about myself and more confident.
Then, it changed because my confidence was a threat. The name calling started, fights over nothing, insane jealousy. He wore me down until I felt like nothing. I hadn't done anything sexual or even dated prior to meeting him. He threw a tantrum until I did all the things he wanted even if I was crying or saying no. He consistently expressed how he wished it was acceptable to hit me and let his mother berate and slap me.
It got to the point where he'd pick me up at 7am (I couldn't drive at the time), drop me off at his house, take my cell phone and leave me there until he got out of work. After making me quit my job and trying to get me to quit school, I realized I didn't want this to be my life every day. I was isolated from my friends and family, depressed, and expected to take care of his needs without anything in return. I finally got the confidence to break it off. Turns out he was cheating on me too. He threatened to kill me and any "guy he saw me with". Harassed and stalked me for years. He told everyone I was a whore and I left him because of his weight and how he was such a "nice guy" to me.
"Absurdly, insanely..."
Oooh, finally my time to... shine? I guess? In high school I briefly dated a "nice guy" (complete with an actual fedora in 2000 before they were really a thing - thanks art school!) I had been in a really horrible, abusive relationship with a guy in his 20s just before, and in fairness my "nice guy" then-friend had been instrumental in helping me to realize how f*cked up our vibe was and helping me to leave an objectively horrible situation.
He then promptly swooped in and started pushing for romantic intimacy between us. He never actually declared feelings - he was never that straightforward about his own thoughts and desires - just talked about the way I deserved to be treated (like a queen, obvs) and made it clear he felt he was the only one who would give me that. Many of my friends were pushing for it as well - he was nice, afterall, and my previous boyfriends had been so objectively awful.
I felt a lot of obligation and kind of went along on autopilot. There was a lot of negotiation around anything sexual - "I treat you so well, don't you want to?" from him and "I know you want to treat me like a lady so you'll be okay to take it slow" from me. One of the hardest parts was that he clearly wasn't out to hurt me or to f*ck me. The sexual acts between us (we never slept together, but did other things that seemed like a huge deal to teenaged me) were only a demonstration - proof that I loved him. That was what he wanted. But I didn't, and I really thought that meant there was something wrong with me.
In the end, I only lasted about a month. He decorated my locker, brought flowers, and left notes for me taped to my desk in each of my classes to "celebrate" our one month anniversary. I was mortified. My math teacher caught a good look at my face (before I managed to plaster a smile back on) as I opened the note he had left in her class. She asked me to stay back after for what turned out to be one of the most important talks in my life (Mrs. Brown, just the best). I felt panicked, telling her over and over how happy and lucky I was. She kept asking questions until I burst into tears and it all just came out. I don't really remember what all she said, but I remember her saying "it's okay to be alone." She said it over and over, like Robin Williams going "it's not your fault" in Good Will Hunting.
And soon enough I was. I broke up with him - kindly but firmly, and about 5 different times before he accepted it. He cried. He got angry. Absurdly, insanely, his mom called my mom, who dropped the hammer on her in a way I haven't seen before or since. I took a ton of sh!t at school for "breaking his heart" and "ruining his life" but I felt so free that I didn't really mind. I dated around, but didn't have a "boyfriend" again until I was 21. It was, truly, okay (and important, and necessary) to be alone.
"I finally hit a pretty low point..."
I had a guy who would constantly ask me out or make really awkward advances for like a year +
I finally hit a pretty low point after coming out of a relationship and agreed to go out on a date. He seemed actually kind of nice and we ended up dating and lived together for a bit. It all turned sour though, when he realised that all his "cute punk girl" bullshit he had projected on to me wasn't who i am and I wasn't changing to what he wanted me to be, and then all of a sudden he was out with friends constantly and coming home drunk.
The morning he came home, around 6am, telling me he kissed another woman finally woke me up and i left him.
He would still send me messages for months after we broke up, not acknowledging my replies saying i have a boyfriend and it's inappropriate to say these things..
Even now if i unblock him from social media I'll get a message within a few days saying things like:
"Hey, still beautiful i see" or "Hey cutie/sweetie" etc etc and he gets blocked again.. ugh.
"To clarify..."
Met a guy online and he seemed really nice. He was a tad pushy about meeting up but I ignored that little feeling. We met up shortly after for a quick date (I think we got coffee) and chatted. It was instant chemistry, he had 2 sons and i have 2 kids, both open to blended families, goal oriented, smart, easy conversation. We decided to go out again the next night, really nice date and he was a complete gentleman. He mentioned on the date we'd have to get the kids together to see if they like each other. I laughed it off, like "yeah maybe down the road, we just met" and continued the date. Two days later, during our texting I casually mentioned I was going to take my kids on a nature walk and I'd text him when I was back. He shows up with his kids.
Now, I dont have it in me to be mean to children so I played nice and introduced myself (they were around 5 and 7, and very sweet boys) but inside I was creeped the f*ck out. After we parted ways I called him and told him that was not cool AT ALL. Of course, he played victim and hurt until i said i was uncomfortable with what he did.. then it was "I'm just trying to love you and your kids", "how can we be together if they dont meet" and "you should appreciate a man trying with a woman with 2 kids"... as if he didnt have 2 his damn self. He sent angry messages for about a week, I never would respond and he went away.
To clarify, this all happened in a 2 week span. From start to finish.
"He seemed nice and was happy..."
I dated one for 2 years. He seemed nice and was happy when I first started dating him cause girls "didn't give him a chance due to his looks'. He was very needy and always demanded we do what he wanted. I missed out on a lot of things, including missing out going to see Phantom of the Opera with his mom, because he didn't want to go and would get sick at the last minute.
When I lost my virginity to him, he didn't realize he wasn't ready for something like that till after we had sex. About a year and a half into our relationship he got religious. So then, whenever we had sex, he would want is to pray for forgiveness afterwards. But if I refused sex, I was a cold b!tch.
I actually left him for a female partner, (I am bi) and that's when I realized that it was a super unhealthy relationship.
"He didn't throw a tantrum..."
He didn't throw a tantrum but other people convinced me that I need to start giving the nice guys a chance. I didn't really find him attractive but he was really nice to me so I was just like okay fine... And then on to two years of a toxic abuse relationship. Where he was always right, always belittling me, always reminding me that anytimeI felt uncomfortable with something or upset about something, it wasn't because he was doing something wrong, it was because I had an abusive childhood and I just didn't understand what real relationships were like.... I went to bed crying every night. I remember he never wanted to have sex expect.... The only times he wanted to have sex was after he broke me down and I cried myself to sleep then he'd come to bed saying "I just love you so much. You're so amazing. The best." I felt so unloved and desperate for affection I'd have sex with him but feel so empty and alone afterwards. It wasn't until I was free of that relationship I realized how fucked up it was.... I'm still trying to forgive myself for allowing myself to be in that situation for so long.
I'm so happy I escaped.
"If I was out with friends..."
Yes. The tantrums continued throughout the relationship. He was very controlling. If I was out with friends he would be upset that I was having fun without him. He ended up cheating on me and dumping me only to beg me back. He semi staked me for a couple of years. Had an online blog about what I did each day and tried to befriend my exes.
"It got so bad..."
Dated a guy for a few months. From the beginning though, he was just embarrassing. We had mutual friends, and he would spend full outings, parties, weekend trips voicing his disbelief that I would date him. Telling people how lucky he was in a self deprecating way that was gross, that he has "won the lotto" and I was "out of his league", no matter how many times I asked him to quit it as he did it every single time we were in public.
It got so bad that his best friend actually snapped and told him in the middle of a self deprecating rant how embarrassing it was and to look at how uncomfortable he was making me. That started a huge argument about "but she's a queen, I'm just treating her like one!". When I had the audacity to agree with his best friend, full cry melt down. In front of everyone. To the point where people left a paid wknd early because he made everyone so uncomfortable.
Broke up with him that wknd, the break up lasted for hours with me begging him to gtfo of my house while he cried and cried and cried about how he treats me so well, how could I do this to him. Then it turned to rage. Had to block him on everything when I started dating someone months later, a lot of friends blocked him as well when they found out he was stalking me (parking outside my home for hours, etc).
I was naive. And dumb. Looking back, I wish I had been aware enough to recognize emotional manipulation. If you're dating someone and they act like you're doing them a favour, don't date that person.
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- The Worst 'Nice Guy' Tantrums Women Have Ever Witnessed From Someone They Dated - George Takei ›