Uber Drivers Admit The Weirdest Passengers They’ve Ever Had To Deal With
Bless the Uber and Lyft drivers of the world. Many don't know what they're signing up for when they go and pick up a bachelorette party at 3am just as the club gets out. Like bartenders before them, they are the new psychiatrists of the world, and they're ready to dish on their crazy fares. Reddit user, r/neccoguy21, posed the following question and got some fascinating stories in return:
Uber and Lyft drivers, what's your most NSFW story?
1. What Did Bambi Ever Do To You?
I had a passenger roll down the window and scream "SUCK MY F_*_ING DICK" at a deer. She said she really didn't like deer. Theweiserwill
2. At Least They're Being Honest?
I don't drive for either of those companies but I had a pretty bizarre fare once. I picked up a guy and a girl midday Saturday for a short ride (couple of km). The girl seemed out of or her mind and was wearing somewhat revealing clothing, so it was pretty clear they'd been partying the night before. While driving I picked up their conversation which they were not even attempting to hide. It was pretty clear that the guy had a girlfriend who was not the girl in the car and that he had just hooked up with this girl. They were currently heading to his girlfriend to explain what had happened. To be clear, he is bringing the girl he was unfaithful with along to explain to his girlfriend that he just f_*_ed her.
He tipped well though. Dawnyell
3. Frozen Horror
Some friends and I ubered back later night after a party. Being intoxicated AF, my friends sitting next to me started to heave, so I, work my quick thinking, opened the window pushed him to puke outside, in the freezing February air. He did his duty and we were all thankful that he decided to puke outside. Eventually, we arrive by my house and get out. I look on the outside of the car and the puke had FROZEN all along the outside of the car by the window. The side of the car was covered in puke. We spent an hour helping the poor Uber driver clean it, by throwing hot water fr inside the house and someone quickly scrubbing. slool4
5. He Is A Party Dude, After All
Well, there was the guy who proceeded to get butt naked in my backseat (while piss drunk) and change into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume...
It was Michaelangelo, for the record. BernieEffingSanders
6. All In The Family
Not an Uber/Lyft driver, but I did drive for a taxi company. I had a fare where two drunk people who were making out in the back of my cab. This isn't unusual on it's own, happens quite often, just gotta stop them before s* gets out of hand.
Well, one of them decides to stop making out and says to me" Don't tell anyone, okay?". Curious, I ask why, he responds "we are cousins and we don't want our family to find out"...then they went back to making out again. I didn't once think they could have possibly been cousins, never saw either people before or after. Could have just kept his mouth shut and I'd never have known, Why would you disclose that information to a stranger? Kootsiak
8. Way To Get It, Dad
So my dad is an uber driver and he says that girls my age (I'm in my early twenties) will drunkenly try to make him go home with them all the time. One time there were three girls who drunkenly were singing to Taylor swift and they made my dad record them singing the song and then they made him sing some of the lyrics. He showed me the clip of them singing and him singing later it was hysterical. Then they invited him to go to the next bar with them but he had to keep working. jennydancingaway
9. That Shouldn't Go There
I picked up a client who said he was on his way to the hospital to get "something" removed. It was very clear by his movements that he had something stuck in his a**. I asked if he needed an ambulance instead but he said he didn't have insurance so he couldn't afford it. After I dropped him off and helped him in. jhaddock
11. High School Graduates Suck. Who Knew?
Picked up a handful of drunk high school kids at 2 am, they just finished their graduation party and they were hammered. One of them threw up in the back, we had to stop on the side of the highway for him to get everything out of his system, he went behind the bush and did a number 2, but he didn't have any tissue... JayC-Hoster
12. At Least They're Prepared?
Picked up this very tall and somewhat muscular looking black girl carrying what looks like a tackle box. She was dressed somewhat.. risque. Gets in the car and I said hello, she responds with a pretty deep voice. We started the trip and she was telling me that she was on her way to do makeup for one of her friends, and her phone rang.
Hmmm. Alright then. Where's this going? "No, Derek is super sweet, it'll be fun I promise." "No girl, he's just gonna come through the doors..." "Yes I'll be there. I'll be outside the doors as one of the topless guards.
And that's the story of the person planning their porno during an Uber ride....
Just a group of college freshman girls being super racist as I drove through the "ghetto" on the way to their house party.
14. Take The Shortcut
One time, I was in a Lyft during a blizzard. We arrive at a couple of lanes divided by one of those flat concrete medians. Both lanes are gridlocked. Lyft driver goes "Watch this!" and drives up the f*ing median while the cars on both sides honk furiously. I protest, and he brags that he is a "big man in the city" and the cops won't touch him. Anyway, it's not an erotic story, but I'd say it was definitely not safe for anyone involved. CeruleanTresses
15. Don't Jump To Conclusions
One driver told me that one time this guy got in his uber without putting in the destination. This guy was in his mid 40s, wearing an all black suit and wearing sunglasses. Didn't take them off. He also had a briefcase that he put on his lap.
Anyway so he sits in the car and points forwards. So the driver takes off. They didn't speak the entire journey. It was about 40 minutes. To tell the driver where to go the passenger just pointed left or right.
Anyway, the driver tells me that he was s_*_ting himself the entire time and genuinely thought he was going to die, but was too scared to stop.
So finally they pull over at this really big old house that he described as "the most mafia looking house I've ever f_*_ing seen".
The guy takes off his glasses, looks at the driver and says "th- th- th- thank y- you v- very m- m- much"
turned out he just had a really big stutter and nothing else. flintmichigantropics
16. At Least They Know
A couple of clients I once had entered the car convinced they were straight, and left 25 minutes later realising they were gay for each other. To be fair they were fairly drunk at the time. PM-ME-YOUR-HAMSTER
17. We All Remember Dave
Wasn't really NSFW but on my second day doing Uber one of the clients was on house arrest, Dave.
Dave was a cool guy.
He wanted me to buy him some wine and smokes from the gas station, He even trusted me with his card+pin. When I get back i decide to just have a smoke with him. That turns into us doing tai chi in his backyard at 2am. Really cool dude Dave was.
Hope he turned his life around. rasmfrasmspasm
18. Suddenly, The City Was Part Of The Party
Picked up a group of young ladies during a bachelorette party. The bride to be sits in the front and while driving to their destination, she rolls down the window and whips out a giant phallus for all of downtown to Chicago to see. monkeydlouis
19. Some Say They Never Returned
To make conversation I always ask my uber driver if they have any horror stories. One guy told me that he picked up this couple in all black clothes and he admitted he felt a little creeped out by them. It was the middle of the night and they had asked to be dropped off at a cemetery. He thinks perhaps they live across the road or something and tries/fails to make conversation with them. He drops them off, looks at his phone, then looks back and they are no where to be seen, disappeared. He stayed for a few minutes looking to see if they would pop up anywhere but they never did. Freaked him out big time. WhatPajamas
20. And The Winner Is...
I got the ping around 4:30am. When I get to the address, I see this girl who looks startlingly like the actress that plays Ginny Weasley standing in the middle of the street waving, so I stop. Yup, she's my passenger... and she is so drunk. And carrying an enormous glass full of red wine. She asked if she could bring the wine in the car, I told her no because we'd both be arrested, she said okay, then I'll chug it. And she did.
Okay... so she gets in my car and I drive her maybe six blocks away to a friend's place. Her friend hands her a grocery bag of miscellaneous s*, she tells me to drive her home... or... wait... ugh I don't wanna go home, just drive around until I figure out where I want to go. Sure, free money, I start driving circles while she drunkenly calls everyone in her phone. Unsurprisingly, no one answers, and she really doesn't want to go home, so we just keep going in circles. I've reminded her at least three times that this is costing her money, I have no problem with it but are you absolutely sure? Yeah no problem, money doesn't matter right now.
The conversation is one of the more hilarious and utterly WEIRD I've experienced. Of course she's so drunk that her speech is entirely slurred and I can't make a lot of it out, but I get enough to know that she's not only drunk, but she's on the longest bender of her life - currently day 8. She was recently fired from her job at a marijuana dispensary and is in the process of suing them for wrongful termination, her dad committed suicide when she was 4, she had like three friends die in various ways within the past few years, something about being in AA but falling off the wagon, her mom is SO RICH but doesn't want to give her second house to her own daughter WTF, she never wants to marry because she has yet to meet a dude who is not a horrible person (but she happily has sex with pretty much all of them), has been pregnant twice and contracted who knows how many STIs, really wants to work in forensics someday and start her own business, on and on and on! I don't mind listening, it's like having a prime time drama show unfold in my backseat that I'm getting paid to watch.
Around 5:45, after over an hour of driving, she said that there's a bar she knows that opens at 7am. If I'm okay with driving aimlessly until then (I assured her that I am!) I can take her there. So another hour and fifteen minutes of wandering later, I drop her off at the bar. She thanked me profusely, called me boo, and told me to have a good life.
And to top it all off, she tipped me with an entire container of marijuana edibles. intentionalgibberish
Books are life. Recently studies have been published that reading for fun, reading for knowledge, just interest in reading in general is down, and that is a tragedy.
We've become too obsessed with our binge watching and ADHD mindset that we've lost focus on one of life's greatest joys... literature.
There are some stories and books that should be a mandatory read for life. There should be age benchmarks that require knowledge of certain books in order to progress. I know, how "1984" of me. ;)
Redditor u/bugtanks33d wanted to hear about what literature we should all be familiar with sooner than later by asking:
What's a book everyone should read at least once in their lives?
One of my favorite books is "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." It was a key element in unlocking what I could see with my imagination. No adolescent should go beyond sixth grade without knowing it. What else?
"ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE READING THIS THREAD:"
"MANY OF THE BOOKS MENTIONED HERE ARE IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN AND IN AUDIO BOOK FORM. GO THROUGH YOUTUBE/RANDOMHOUSE/AUDIBLE/OVERDRIVE FOR ALL THE CLASSICAL GOODNESS YOU WANT."
"It almost totally eliminates the financial/time commitment that many will cite for not picking them up. I listen to books on double speed all the damn time. I am working my way through "A Tale of Two Cities" now."
Meaningwondering simon cowell GIF by X Factor GlobalGiphy
"Man's search for meaning - Viktor Frankl."
"The Phantom Tollbooth."
"Milo: "Many of the things I'm supposed to know seem so useless that I can't see the purpose of learning them at all."
"Princess of Sweet Rhyme: "...what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover the wonderful secrets of tomorrow."
"Johnny's Got His Gun. It's so intense, but it's so good. Metallica's song One is based off this book. Guy has his arms and legs blown off, goes blind and deaf, and is left to live like that. I only read it once, but it's forever engrained into my memory. It hits you like a freight train."
"Surprised I haven't seen it here already so I'll add it... The Brother's Karamazov by Dostoyevsky. In Slaughterhouse 5 Vonnegut said it could teach everything that we needed to know about life, except that wasn't enough anymore."
"If the only thing that book did was make you marvel at how people centuries and oceans removed from you in time and place, could experience the exact same emotions about life as you did, it would be worth the read. There's so much more to it, but Dostoyevsky had such a knack for digging deep into universal human experience. And it's just a hell of a good story too."
Classicsdiva read GIFGiphy
"Speaking as somebody who isn't religious, the literary value of the Bible (and the Hebrew Bible) is severely underrated."
I took a class on it in college, with a prof who'd once allegedly gotten into a bar fight over Beowulf. We would sometimes spend half a class discussing a single verse or two because there's so much stuff going on under the hood."
I know so many of those. And sadly, I'm already behind in my studies. I love books and I'm always on the path to find more to consume. Let me ready my already lengthy list.
WARWar Shockwave GIFGiphy
"All Quiet on the Western Front. Everyone should have to reckon with the reality of what war actually means."
"Night, by Elie Wiezel. It is absolutely heartwrecking , and I hated every moment of reading it, which is exactly the effect it is supposed to have."
"Came here looking for this one. I had to read it back in high school and it blew me away how moved I was by it. Stories like his need to be remembered for all time, no matter how hard it is to get through (emotionally-speaking; it's actually quite an easy and short read). I'm so grateful that my English teacher assigned it."
"The Westing Game."
"A Librarian here, such a terrific book. I have gotten so many kids to read it by hooking them with the fact that the reader can play the game and has all of the clues. And good luck as it is fiendishly clever."
All the Good Crazy
"The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. Such a great book."
"Oh my god yes. I love this book for being the sex, drugs and rock and roll of the classics world. It is lengthy but has revenge, treasure, plots and schemes and drugs. There is nothing stuffy about this classic."
"The Giver- that book made my 9-10 year old mind really think about what was important in society. It was the first time the idea of "good" things having a negative consequence was presented to me. I think what makes it work is that we are learning how this whole society really works along side a character who has lived in it his whole life."
"As the facade of the utopian society begins to fall away to show devastating consequences of the "perfect life and society" the reader not only feels their shock but the main character's shock. This was a book I read in school 4 times- once in 5th grade and once in 10th for English and then in both high school and college sociology classes. This book written for 9-13 year olds made for great discussions."
Good and Bad of Liferead ford GIFGiphy
"The Grapes of Wrath and/or Of Mice and Men. Both are heartbreaking, but not for the sake of being heartbreaking - instead they provide a glimpse of how freaking hard life can be, but also how beautiful it can be."
That is a lot of good advice. And a lot of great storytelling and advice giving. Did anyone miss anything that should be there? And make sure you read anything by Harlan Coben, he's a fav.
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It's always our high school dreams, as shown by every high school teen movie ever, to marry the popular girl or the jock. But high school is high school for a reason; life does not really last outside of the walls of high school in the way it did within.
Jocks tend to fall off their athletic bandwagons. The popular girls have a hell of a time making their way in the working world when their popularity means nothing. People's lives sometimes completely freeze in place.
Or sometimes those people really do completely change, and live their lives for the better.
Here were some of those answers.
"My mom was the elite Atlanta debutante and lived a very cushy life at a budding Miami country club. Beautiful and very popular at the private school. My dad grew up on a farm in Virginia. They weren't poor but they were definitely not refined."
"Eventually my father's family made it down to Miami after selling the farm. He became the lifeguard at the country club pool where my mom spent days lounging about."
"My parents say they saw each other and that was it. The scandal was great - the debutante and the lowly lifeguard...."
"They just celebrated 54 years of marriage. My 'lowly' lifeguard father made quite the life for my mom regardless of what all those elite twats said was going to happen."
"She gladly left the country club life for him and they are still so utterly in love it's crazy. He carries a photo of her at the pool where they met. The only references she makes to being 'that girl' are that they proved everyone wrong."
"They are beautiful and I love their story."-wadinglimpkin
Just Because He's Hot Don't Mean He Can't Be Smart Too
"Not me but my mom married my dad who who was hot sh*t. They met in college when he was an absolute hellion."
"But since then he became a doctor, still a really fun dude. He's also a licensed contractor so when he was bored he built a 6000 square foot barn in our backyard over 10 years completely on his own."
"Absolutely stand up dude."-GravityMyGuy
"I married the cool girl. Super athletic, everyone was her friend. We started dating in high school."
"She's kept up everything people loved about her. Nowadays she isn't as interested in other people, and focuses on herself, her career, us and our future."
"We're planning to buy a house and have kids soon. I'm the breadwinner today but I'm not so sure if that'll be true in a few years lol"-WakeAndVape
See, not all the cool kids go on to have horrible, boring lives after. Sometimes the cool kids were cool because they deserved it.
"As it turned out, I married one of the mean girls, didn't go to her school, didn't find out she was considered that until after the divorce. That's how it turned out."
"Then I dated one of the cool chicks. Did go to her school, did know she was considered that. And she was the most amazing human being I've ever known. That one didn't work out either."
"Now I'm just retired from relationships for a bit, strike 3 would kill me right now."
"This was very therapeutic. I have friends and family that are awesome. Hopefully, I'll have more Someday. For now it's me and my kids I'm focusing on."-read110
A Tale Of Strength (On The Outside)
"My mom was the cool girl all through high school, undergrad, grad school. But life didn't go that well. For most of her life, she had to be caring for someone in the family who was ill, and that took a huge toll on her."
"First it was her dad, then it was me (I had childhood illnesses), then her in-laws in quick succession, then her dad again, and finally she had to nurse my dad until he passed away from a terminal illness."
"She was meant to be social and have fun, and instead she was forced to be around sickness and sadness for her best years."
"But she is a very happy and mentally strong person in general who made the best of things. She hosted a lot of people and events."
"My house growing up was full of people visiting and having fun. She's very charming and easy to talk to, and has a lot of fans all the time."
"Though, my siblings and I find her social side rather annoying. She isn't like that with us, and she tells us her charming side is just an act, and the real her is the lady who is constantly critical of us 'for our own good.'"
"She likes having groupies hanging around, people who are happy to take her help and be grateful to her. She has very few friends who could be considered her equals."
"She also expects a lot from other people and is constantly disappointed. She wants to be the center of everything. She doesn't know to be a guest at anything, she somehow ends up running every event she's invited to."
"She sincerely believes she's helping, but it's just disrespectful sometimes and when we tell her that, she doesn't get it."
"She likes to dominate everything and make decisions for everyone. We joke that if the prime minister was her friend, she'd somehow end up running the country for him."-sensitiveinfomax
Sometimes, Chase The Waterfalls
"My mum was the nerdy girl who got all the As and had zero social skills, and somehow managed to start dating my dad who was the popular, good-looking guy who everyone thought would peak in high school."
"She was actually advised by her family and friends that he wouldn't give her the future she was hoping for. They got married at 19, had me when they were 20, and while they were pretty broke the first few years of my life, he paid for my mum to attend law school, started his own business and 25 years later with 3 kids, they're still so in love and have a pretty cushy life."
"My dad actually met one of the loud voices who told my mum she was making a big mistake marrying him, and she had said how she always knew he would turn out well, which he found hilarious."-samknowsbest8
"Found out recently (30 M) that my dad was extremely popular in highschool from my aunt. I had no idea he was an all-star football player with lots of college offers and was prom and homecoming king."
"Never talks about it, but he's doing well. 2 kids, a dog, and a loving wife, imo he's still winning."-ZoatDGoat
And what counts as successful in high school doesn't necessarily count toward success in later life.
What Kind Of Woman?
"My brother was one of the hottest guys in high school and went on to be a model. He's still cool and hot to many but now he's a bit fat."
"He's my brother so ewww on the hot part in my opinion. But women still swoon and he's so obnoxious. Think Matt Dillon, etc…. Era."
"He got dumped by his model 17 years younger wife for a 26 year old. He has impossible standards and it's making him miserable. He's into these flashy shallow women. Overall he's doing really well and his business is thriving."-RunRevolutionary9019
Always Take The Risk
"I sat next to the popular guy every day pretty much for five years and I was so afraid of speaking to him. I'd watched him and his friends picking each other up and shoving the chosen one into lockers, or chasing each other round into a pile on and throwing their shoes at each other. Typical school sh*t."
"They were rowdy and loud and intimidating, but he was the quiet yet seriously funny one and I crushed on him HARD for years. He remembers me as the little blonde girl who didn't speak to anyone (because I was so anxious all the time)."
"He also protected his sister from some a**holes every break time and she'd come to find him for safety from bullies."
"Should have spoken to him sooner when school finished, because we have the same music taste and we get on well enough now at 26 that we have a 6 month old daughter together, my daughter from a previous relationship and we just got engaged last weekend. I adore him, he's handsome, charming and funny and I would do anything for this man as he would for me."-hospital-flowers
High School Never Ends
"I married the Student Council President/ Prom King. He jokes that he peaked in high school. Graduated 20 years ago. He dropped out of three colleges and hasn't found a career path he is passionate about."
"He hates his job, but he's actually really good at it. He's kind of trapped in it because it would be incredibly difficult for him to find a new job without a degree."
"He's a good husband. He's an amazing father. He struggles with anxiety and some depression. A lot of self-doubt. He's incredibly social and the pandemic hit hard."
"He's put on weight and hates his body. He admits that he worries about what other people think of him and wants people to like him."
"He's introspective and wants to be a better person, but anxiety gets in the way sometimes. He married a theater nerd lol, but we didn't meet until college. I felt a little intimidated by his popular past, but he's very down-to-earth."-madestories
We really want our lives to fit neatly into these stereotypes, but at the end of the day, we are all just people repeating a cycle of wanting more for ourselves over and over again. We can't shove that into a stereotype.
Even the student council president, the prom king, the homecoming queen, and the jocks can't run away and hide in a single identity forever. Life makes you into a more rounded person whether you want to be one or not.
Movies' strong focus on creating drama through conflict inevitably has lead to countless on screen deaths.
Some of those movie deaths occur to minor characters we don't care much about (enter Wilhelm Scream). Nonetheless, they can still pack a punch if the manner of the death was gruesome or sad enough.
On the other side of the coin, a death doesn't have to be spectacular to create drama if it happens to a character we've grown to love throughout the film.
And sometimes, a beloved character faces a gruesome end. That's the double whammy.
Redditor Boston_Strong_CQB241 asked:
"Out of all the deaths you seen in movies, which one really stands out to you as the worst?"
Many Redditors recalled the deaths that drew their intensity from the connection they'd felt with the character who did the dying.
And, yes, sometimes the manner of death only heaped on the drama.
"The soldier in Saving Private Ryan that had the knife slowly plunged into his chest after a hand to hand fight and he was begging the other soldier to stop. Intense."
That Etched Wooden Beam
"The old man (Brooks) who hangs himself from The Shawshank Redemption."
" 'Get busy living or get busy dyin.' "
A Very Different Boxing Film
"Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. Almost becoming World Champion, then paralyzed, her family only caring about the money she won from boxing, then having her limbs chopped off because of bed sores that got infected."
"All this just to be put down as a act of kindness like the story she foretold of her dog she grew up with. I will never watch that movie again."
Stoic Until She Wasn't
"Vesper Lynd drowning in 'Casino Royale.' That moment when she goes serene and calm, to a panicky and frenzied last gasp for air.... that really bothered me."
Others were spooked by the pure violence of some onscreen deaths. They could barely watch the gruesome moments when they erupted.
But now they can't forget them.
Slam, Slam, Slam
"That f**king wine bottle scene in Pan's Labyrinth. The casual brutality is so horribly realistic." -- Darth_Mufasa
"My jaw dropped the first time I saw it and it still haunts me. In fact, that movie gave me nightmares for two weeks" -- TheSilverCrystal
"The curb stomp." -- AUTheatreNerd
"American History X. The curb stomp. It haunts me." -- DigitFisher
"Ryan Reynolds getting his insides eaten out by an Alien in the horror movie Life. It still traumatized me."
And some people recalled the deaths they witnessed as children movie-watchers. All grown up now, they still can't unsee those old images.
"That shoe from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it was so happy and friendly and then it gets slowly dipped to death. The smoke and its cries of pain are burned into my mind 25+ years later."
"Artax in the swamp of sorrows. Made me cry so much as kid, Atreyo was so hopeless." -- kirby60
"Don't you dare do this to me right now" -- OmgOgan
Multiple Movies' Worth of Sadness
"Stoick from How to Train Your Dragon 2, I still cry every time I even think about it, and the flashbacks in the third movie just break me, great trilogy. Full of emotion and great everything, best Dreamworks movies, in my opinion"
The worst part is that this is only a small handful of the tragic movie moments that are out there. And we have so many unknown future deaths we'll see too.
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It might feel like a challenge to come back at someone who has just insulted you, but it's easier than you think.
What's the most memorable comeback you've heard in your life?
No one knows you like your family, hence why they're usually the one who know the best way to eviscerate you using only their words. Anyone with an older brother and/or sister knows what's going on with these comebacks.
She Can Stay
"My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal."
Got That Sacred "Dad Laugh"
"I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
"Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing."
"Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts."
"Me: The corner doesn't count."
"Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*"
Oh, Good Lord...
"My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"
"My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
Like, in public. Where people are. Other people. People you don't know, who might just be going about their day-to-day business, and they just so happen to hear someone being roasted alive?
What's Keeping You Alive, Grandpa?
"Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for "not knowing how to live without technology" and without looking up she went "don't you have a pacemaker?".
When The Store Hates You...
"Someone yelled out in a Walmart , "I'm not ashamed of who I am".
"Another voice echoed back, "that's your parents job"
You Would Really Walk Up To Someone You Don't Know And Say This?
"Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied, "well, being a nosey rude bi*ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
And then there's these clapbacks. Unplanned, zero preparation, and with little prior knowledge, there needs to be a call placed to some local medical center with how much damage was done with these comebacks.
If You Pantsed It, Fix It
"My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up."
Definitely Seems Like You Got Tricked Here
"When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on."
"One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him"
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c-nt".
"He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful."
That's A Mom Burn! Those Don't Heal!
"I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room."
"Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
"For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common"
If you have some ice nearby it might be a good idea to go and grab some.
These burns spread.
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