Uber Drivers Admit The Weirdest Passengers They’ve Ever Had To Deal With
Bless the Uber and Lyft drivers of the world. Many don't know what they're signing up for when they go and pick up a bachelorette party at 3am just as the club gets out. Like bartenders before them, they are the new psychiatrists of the world, and they're ready to dish on their crazy fares. Reddit user, r/neccoguy21, posed the following question and got some fascinating stories in return:
Uber and Lyft drivers, what's your most NSFW story?
1. What Did Bambi Ever Do To You?
I had a passenger roll down the window and scream "SUCK MY F_*_ING DICK" at a deer. She said she really didn't like deer. Theweiserwill
2. At Least They're Being Honest?
I don't drive for either of those companies but I had a pretty bizarre fare once. I picked up a guy and a girl midday Saturday for a short ride (couple of km). The girl seemed out of or her mind and was wearing somewhat revealing clothing, so it was pretty clear they'd been partying the night before. While driving I picked up their conversation which they were not even attempting to hide. It was pretty clear that the guy had a girlfriend who was not the girl in the car and that he had just hooked up with this girl. They were currently heading to his girlfriend to explain what had happened. To be clear, he is bringing the girl he was unfaithful with along to explain to his girlfriend that he just f_*_ed her.
He tipped well though. Dawnyell
3. Frozen Horror
Some friends and I ubered back later night after a party. Being intoxicated AF, my friends sitting next to me started to heave, so I, work my quick thinking, opened the window pushed him to puke outside, in the freezing February air. He did his duty and we were all thankful that he decided to puke outside. Eventually, we arrive by my house and get out. I look on the outside of the car and the puke had FROZEN all along the outside of the car by the window. The side of the car was covered in puke. We spent an hour helping the poor Uber driver clean it, by throwing hot water fr inside the house and someone quickly scrubbing. slool4
5. He Is A Party Dude, After All
Well, there was the guy who proceeded to get butt naked in my backseat (while piss drunk) and change into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume...
It was Michaelangelo, for the record. BernieEffingSanders
6. All In The Family
Not an Uber/Lyft driver, but I did drive for a taxi company. I had a fare where two drunk people who were making out in the back of my cab. This isn't unusual on it's own, happens quite often, just gotta stop them before s* gets out of hand.
Well, one of them decides to stop making out and says to me" Don't tell anyone, okay?". Curious, I ask why, he responds "we are cousins and we don't want our family to find out"...then they went back to making out again. I didn't once think they could have possibly been cousins, never saw either people before or after. Could have just kept his mouth shut and I'd never have known, Why would you disclose that information to a stranger? Kootsiak
8. Way To Get It, Dad
So my dad is an uber driver and he says that girls my age (I'm in my early twenties) will drunkenly try to make him go home with them all the time. One time there were three girls who drunkenly were singing to Taylor swift and they made my dad record them singing the song and then they made him sing some of the lyrics. He showed me the clip of them singing and him singing later it was hysterical. Then they invited him to go to the next bar with them but he had to keep working. jennydancingaway
9. That Shouldn't Go There
I picked up a client who said he was on his way to the hospital to get "something" removed. It was very clear by his movements that he had something stuck in his a**. I asked if he needed an ambulance instead but he said he didn't have insurance so he couldn't afford it. After I dropped him off and helped him in. jhaddock
11. High School Graduates Suck. Who Knew?
Picked up a handful of drunk high school kids at 2 am, they just finished their graduation party and they were hammered. One of them threw up in the back, we had to stop on the side of the highway for him to get everything out of his system, he went behind the bush and did a number 2, but he didn't have any tissue... JayC-Hoster
12. At Least They're Prepared?
Picked up this very tall and somewhat muscular looking black girl carrying what looks like a tackle box. She was dressed somewhat.. risque. Gets in the car and I said hello, she responds with a pretty deep voice. We started the trip and she was telling me that she was on her way to do makeup for one of her friends, and her phone rang.
Hmmm. Alright then. Where's this going? "No, Derek is super sweet, it'll be fun I promise." "No girl, he's just gonna come through the doors..." "Yes I'll be there. I'll be outside the doors as one of the topless guards.
And that's the story of the person planning their porno during an Uber ride....
Just a group of college freshman girls being super racist as I drove through the "ghetto" on the way to their house party.
14. Take The Shortcut
One time, I was in a Lyft during a blizzard. We arrive at a couple of lanes divided by one of those flat concrete medians. Both lanes are gridlocked. Lyft driver goes "Watch this!" and drives up the f*ing median while the cars on both sides honk furiously. I protest, and he brags that he is a "big man in the city" and the cops won't touch him. Anyway, it's not an erotic story, but I'd say it was definitely not safe for anyone involved. CeruleanTresses
15. Don't Jump To Conclusions
One driver told me that one time this guy got in his uber without putting in the destination. This guy was in his mid 40s, wearing an all black suit and wearing sunglasses. Didn't take them off. He also had a briefcase that he put on his lap.
Anyway so he sits in the car and points forwards. So the driver takes off. They didn't speak the entire journey. It was about 40 minutes. To tell the driver where to go the passenger just pointed left or right.
Anyway, the driver tells me that he was s_*_ting himself the entire time and genuinely thought he was going to die, but was too scared to stop.
So finally they pull over at this really big old house that he described as "the most mafia looking house I've ever f_*_ing seen".
The guy takes off his glasses, looks at the driver and says "th- th- th- thank y- you v- very m- m- much"
turned out he just had a really big stutter and nothing else. flintmichigantropics
16. At Least They Know
A couple of clients I once had entered the car convinced they were straight, and left 25 minutes later realising they were gay for each other. To be fair they were fairly drunk at the time. PM-ME-YOUR-HAMSTER
17. We All Remember Dave
Wasn't really NSFW but on my second day doing Uber one of the clients was on house arrest, Dave.
Dave was a cool guy.
He wanted me to buy him some wine and smokes from the gas station, He even trusted me with his card+pin. When I get back i decide to just have a smoke with him. That turns into us doing tai chi in his backyard at 2am. Really cool dude Dave was.
Hope he turned his life around. rasmfrasmspasm
18. Suddenly, The City Was Part Of The Party
Picked up a group of young ladies during a bachelorette party. The bride to be sits in the front and while driving to their destination, she rolls down the window and whips out a giant phallus for all of downtown to Chicago to see. monkeydlouis
19. Some Say They Never Returned
To make conversation I always ask my uber driver if they have any horror stories. One guy told me that he picked up this couple in all black clothes and he admitted he felt a little creeped out by them. It was the middle of the night and they had asked to be dropped off at a cemetery. He thinks perhaps they live across the road or something and tries/fails to make conversation with them. He drops them off, looks at his phone, then looks back and they are no where to be seen, disappeared. He stayed for a few minutes looking to see if they would pop up anywhere but they never did. Freaked him out big time. WhatPajamas
20. And The Winner Is...
I got the ping around 4:30am. When I get to the address, I see this girl who looks startlingly like the actress that plays Ginny Weasley standing in the middle of the street waving, so I stop. Yup, she's my passenger... and she is so drunk. And carrying an enormous glass full of red wine. She asked if she could bring the wine in the car, I told her no because we'd both be arrested, she said okay, then I'll chug it. And she did.
Okay... so she gets in my car and I drive her maybe six blocks away to a friend's place. Her friend hands her a grocery bag of miscellaneous s*, she tells me to drive her home... or... wait... ugh I don't wanna go home, just drive around until I figure out where I want to go. Sure, free money, I start driving circles while she drunkenly calls everyone in her phone. Unsurprisingly, no one answers, and she really doesn't want to go home, so we just keep going in circles. I've reminded her at least three times that this is costing her money, I have no problem with it but are you absolutely sure? Yeah no problem, money doesn't matter right now.
The conversation is one of the more hilarious and utterly WEIRD I've experienced. Of course she's so drunk that her speech is entirely slurred and I can't make a lot of it out, but I get enough to know that she's not only drunk, but she's on the longest bender of her life - currently day 8. She was recently fired from her job at a marijuana dispensary and is in the process of suing them for wrongful termination, her dad committed suicide when she was 4, she had like three friends die in various ways within the past few years, something about being in AA but falling off the wagon, her mom is SO RICH but doesn't want to give her second house to her own daughter WTF, she never wants to marry because she has yet to meet a dude who is not a horrible person (but she happily has sex with pretty much all of them), has been pregnant twice and contracted who knows how many STIs, really wants to work in forensics someday and start her own business, on and on and on! I don't mind listening, it's like having a prime time drama show unfold in my backseat that I'm getting paid to watch.
Around 5:45, after over an hour of driving, she said that there's a bar she knows that opens at 7am. If I'm okay with driving aimlessly until then (I assured her that I am!) I can take her there. So another hour and fifteen minutes of wandering later, I drop her off at the bar. She thanked me profusely, called me boo, and told me to have a good life.
And to top it all off, she tipped me with an entire container of marijuana edibles. intentionalgibberish