Ever wish you could go back in time and chat with your younger self? What if you had only 30 seconds what would you say?


1. "Listen Arsehole in 10 years you are going to have 30 seconds to say something to yourself, for Goodness sake think of something good to say."


2. Al Qaeda is going to destroy the World Trade Center in New York City on September 11th, 2001 by hijacking planes out of Boston. This ruins everything. Also buy stock in Google and Apple.


3. College is a lot easier at the age of 18 than 25.


4. Nothing. I'd hand him a letter with a list of things I always regretted missing out on or doing. It'd go something like this... Dear past me, I'm you, from the future. I know what you're thinking. We got fat. Truth is, as I got older I didn't change my diet. I still eat like an 8-year-old kid with no regard for consequences. It sucks. I know right now you're wild about [ex-girlfriend]. The sex is great and she's super attractive. But trust me when I tell you this. You're wearing rose colored lenses. Listen to your friends and what they say about her. You made a bad choice. She's going to dump you in a year, and you're going to try to kill yourself. You've got a choice ahead of you: dump her, or ride it out. I'm not going to tell you how to proceed. That ordeal helped me grow up. I'm stronger because of it.

Pay your respects to Grandpa. I know we don't deal with death well. When I said goodbye, I was so in shock by what was going on that I called him Keith instead of Grandpa. Don't do that. Give him a hug, thank him for everything, and tell him you love him. TJ is going to be killed in a helicopter crash very soon, within a few months. Prepare yourself. He dies... (Continued)

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Prepare yourself. He dies doing what he does best. He takes over a Blackhawk night training exercise to let a buddy go home early for Christmas. The helicopter altimeter messes up, they can't see where they're at, and they crash into a forest. This is the worst thing you'll ever feel. Get ahold of him, tell him how much he means to you. Please. Then be there for Mom and Dad. They're going to need you.

Tell Jenn how you feel. Truly. It's been a decade and I still get butterflies when I think about her. I don't know how she will react, but you need to put those feelings onto the table. At the very least, you'll have some closure. That's something I never got. I know you think Dad's a dick right now, but he gets better. We're actually pretty good friends now. Just try to see things from his perspective. Mom gets cancer again. Be there for her. I don't know how this works out. It's ongoing in my time. One last piece of advice: Get your head out of your arse. You may be the "hot drummer guy" in high school, but after you graduate you won't be anybody. Pay attention in school, learn all you can, and apply to colleges. Take care of yourself. I'm counting on you. ~ Future me.

Then I'd punch him right in the stomach as hard as I could, because I was such a cocky little prick when I was younger.


5. Dont do drugs and stay friends with the one legged guy, he'll help you.

I'll explain... when I was 18 I got kicked out of my parents house and I took what money I had and moved to the big city where I knew no one.

I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do, to find a place to stay, and rebuild a life, and I spent a bit of time in this one bar (fake ID) where I met this guy.

...during me typing this I realized I think he must've had both legs at the time. Pardon me I'll correct that one legged comment to *the bald future pirate.


Real friendly guy, bought me drinks and talked to me for a while, we hung out a bit after that but then I screwed myself over and got hooked on heroin, went down that road for a few years until I OD'd and decided to get my life together for real.

I didnt know anyone who wasn't a junkie, had no idea where to look, and through an actual miracle I found my pirate friends number in my jacket, dunno how, dunno why, the universe just wanted to help me out I guess.

I called him, he gave me a place to stay while I detoxed and helped me get back on my feet, he and his gf are actual angels and he deserves everything good in the entire world because he is selfless and without him I would not be here.

Also he lost his leg in a car accident and his gf was his nurse, it's the damn cutest thing in the world.


6. "Codeword" (Yes I have a codeword for time travel shenanigans)

Lose weight now, before it gets way harder.

Dad has a midlife crisis after Grandma's death and is (Continued)

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and is cheating on Mom, divorce 2014

You get Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Cancer July 2015.

I would probably shout this in rapid succession.

7. "Break up with her in person you nitwit!"


8. I'd spend 30 seconds high fiving myself.


9. I would ask them to tell me what to avoid, as I am under the age of 18.


10. I tell myself these words. "[Passphrase], 2017, Bitcoin 800, Packers, Giants, Ravens, Seahawks, Patriots, Lakers, Mavericks, Heat, Heat, Spurs, Spain, Germany" I would then place some serious bets at the beginning of the seasons and win all the money.


11. Would 18 year old me see current me during those 30 seconds?

If so, I probably wouldn't actually need to say anything; the sight of my patheticism alone would be enough to kick my rear into gear when it comes to future choices.

12. Don't be afraid of girls. Most of them are (Continued)

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Most of them are equally nervous to talk to guys as you are to them. If you make the first move, no matter how small, then they don't have to.

And for anyone, that's usually a good thing.


13. You WILL find him. He is SMOKIN hot, great in bed, and a certified bad ass with a heart of gold. Totally worth the wait. It will be a long wait though, so relax and try to have fun until your sister's wedding.


14. Stop smoking weed and focus on bettering yourself. Believe it or not, smoking weed and bettering yourself at the same time are near impossible.


15. Protect yourself, not other people. Don't date L or A or V or J. Focus on money, not people. Drink, it's fun, you don't really need those brain cells for adulthood and people like you for drinking.

My 18 year old self wouldn't listen. Shrug.

16. Choose a different major. An English degree is going to make you really stressed out and broke when you're 23. But congrats on being the first to go to college or whatever.


17. Don't go to college just because (Continued)

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just because you feel you're 'supposed to'.


18. Put on a condom!


19. "Talk to mom and dad a lot more. Drop Engineering and go into something you're interested in like film or comp sci. Start sleeping on a regular schedule. Also there's going to be this girl when you get into college, whatever you do don't -" poof

20. You are going to fall in love many times! It's OK to be alone for awhile.


21. Buy lots of Apple and Google stock. With proceeds go the vegas and bet on Donald trump to be president in 2016, yes the orange orangutan reality show guy. You'll be able to buy that island in the South Pacific that you've had your eye on.


22. You're actually only 2/3rds gay at best. Sexuality is more fluid than you think.


23. Next year when you visit your father, make an appointment with the local research hospital to be a test subject in an MRI machine. Charm your father with a description of how the physics works on those things and get him to be a test subject too.

Just trust me: be upbeat and make it happen.

[Years later a professor at a medical school looked over Dad's records and (Continued)

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[Years later a professor at a medical school looked over Dad's records and estimated that Dad's brain tumor may have been growing as a low grade tumor for a decade. Dad's behavior started to change when I was nineteen. It was a long time before he got diagnosed, though--too late to save his life. This would be the best chance of getting him into treatment early].


24. Your kids are going to be three awesome little dudes. Don't do anything to screw that up, they belong on this planet! Also, do your pelvic floor! Laughing and weeing is not fun.


25. Do not marry him!


26. Feed and nurture relationships with family and friends that make you happy, aren't judgemental and love you for you. Be that supportive and non-judgemental human to those around you. And stop drinking half full beers you find left behind at bars. It's gross.


27. Learn about avoiding debt and staying financially free. Student debt is one thing, but credit cards are only a path to financial slavery if you make bad decisions.


28. "It gets better. It gets real bad, too. But mostly better."


29. Go into plumbing right out of school.


30. This fear you have, that sometimes keep you from doing things, this isn't normal, and most importantly, you can do something about it. Go to a therapist now because if you don't it will become worse and worse to the point it will take over your whole life.



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