Successful People Share The Small Things You Can Do To Have A Better Year
Successful People Share The Small Things You Can Do To Have A Better Year[rebelmouse-image 18360623 is_animated_gif=
Making changes in your life can seem like an almost impossible task. It's easy to find yourself overwhelmed with daunting thoughts like "I have to lose 100 lbs" or "I have to get out of debt". But what might happen if we tackle smaller changes over longer periods of time? Reddit users shared their favorite small changes that make a big impact over a year, and now we're sharing some of our top picks with you.
What small habit, if done everyday over the course of a year, can lead to the biggest personal improvement/ gain?
1. Just Put It Away[rebelmouse-image 18360624 is_animated_gif=
Wise words from my mates grandma "Don't put it down, put it away".
So much of the mess around my apartment was down to me leaving things out instead of taking the extra minute to put them away in their correct place.
I'm not perfect but it has helped!!
2. Write It Out[rebelmouse-image 18349596 is_animated_gif=
I just read about a couple of studies where they had subjects do expressive writing about traumatic experiences. This is writing about their deepest feelings about these things, rather than the objective facts of what happened. And I recall one group only did this for 15 minutes of the day, and they found a boosted immunity and people taking more positive action. One group was a bunch of people laid off without warning and over half found jobs pretty quickly where only around 20% of the control group did.
3. Just Thirty Minutes[rebelmouse-image 18360625 is_animated_gif=
For us heavier people, quit drinking soda and walk half an hour a day. Watch what happens.
Man, I feel hypocritical just typing that.
4. Change For Change[rebelmouse-image 18360626 is_animated_gif=
Put all your spare change in a jar
5. Make A List[rebelmouse-image 18360627 is_animated_gif=
Plan the next day before going to bed at night and write a 'to do list'. The next day before repeating the process review your to-do list. Sounds really simple, but it's a real procrastination buster.
6. So, No More Netflix Til Dawn?[rebelmouse-image 18360628 is_animated_gif=
Try to go to sleep at the same time everyday and wake up at the same time as well
7. Don't Stop Moving[rebelmouse-image 18360629 is_animated_gif=
I'm a serial procrastinator, habitually late, and easily crippled by indecision.
But a while ago when my ex and I broke up (through things that had nothing to do with any of those things), I decided to hit the gym (as people do after break ups) and felt like going in the morning made the most sense.
So before I got to bed, I check the weather for the next day, review my calendar on what I'm doing the next day, and I pre-pack my gym bag with work clothes, and layout my gym clothes, as well as whatever lunch or breakfast I've pre-made, and go to bed.
Then when I wake up the next morning, I get up and don't stop moving.
Get up, make coffee, don't even turn the fucking tv on or open FB or Reddit, shotgun a protein bar, toss on gym clothes and grab my gym bag and I'm out the door walking to the subway.
I really wake up while stretching at the gym and by the time the coffee and preworkout kicks in, I'm killing it.
Hit the shower, walk another two blocks to work, and instead of walking in the door at 8:10am half asleep, I fucking kick the door to my office in at 7:50am with my brain firing on all cylinders and ready to kick ass and take names.
I'm in better shape and far more productive than I've ever been, so long as I plan and plan and plan before going to bed.
Changed my life.
8. Walk The Dog[rebelmouse-image 18360631 is_animated_gif=
Walk your dog. Stop just letting it go outside and come back in. Two walks a day, morning and night. The exercise is great for people just starting to get into the groove. Your dog will love it and you for spending more time with it. They'll also enjoy the fresh air and new smells. Plus, you've picked up a great health habit for two or more individuals. Being your boyfriend/girlfriend and/or kids. You'll gain new appreciations for wildlife, too. Get yourself some comfortable cross training shoes, too. I recommend serpentine Sketchers.
9. Rejection Rules[rebelmouse-image 18360632 is_animated_gif=
Try to get rejected once a day.
Not for anything in particular or even particularly important. You'll succeed less than you think.
Advice from an old professor. He was a photographer and would 'try to get rejected' getting into all kinds of cool places.
...he got into a lot of cool places.
10. The Idiot Test[rebelmouse-image 18360633 is_animated_gif=
Following the words of fictional character Dwight Schrute:
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
Craving a cigarette? Ask yourself the question.
Want to ditch class and stay at home? Ask the question.
Procrastinating? Ask the question.
Worrying about things you cant control? Ask the question
Self-sabotaging? Ask the question.
If an idiot would do that thing, don't do that thing.
11. Get Cooking[rebelmouse-image 18360634 is_animated_gif=
Each day follow a different recipe from a cookbook or online. Plan your meals weekly and shop for the right ingredients in one shop.
After a year you will be an amazing home cook.
12. Commit To Improvement[rebelmouse-image 18360635 is_animated_gif=
I've seen many good small things, but I'm going to toss out an elaboration: incremental improvement, and a baseline task.
The baseline task is something you have to do every day. Sick as a dog? Get it done. Groggy waking up? Too bad. Slept late and will be late for work? ...do it as soon as you get home!
This can be anything. Making your bed, searching your room for clutter for 5-10 minutes, doing 30 minutes of yoga before work, etc. All it has to be is some small task, preferably at the start of the day that gets you up, thinking a little, and moving around. Set one alarm clock. Two for safety. Setting 10 only hurts you.
I chose to do the yoga, and it pays dividends. I'm up earlier than I would be otherwise, and more alert. I have the time to make breakfast afterward. I can spend the first 30 minutes at work alertly setting up the day instead of docking around while I wake up. If I happen to miss that days "real exercise" (and to be clear, I definitely saw some weight loss/strength gain from the yoga after ~6 weeks) I don't feel like it's a total bust.
From there, pick something else. Brush your teeth, twice, every day. Then pick up flossing. Then pick up using mouthwash. Maybe invest in a tongue brush. Make your bed. Go for a jog. Spend 30 minutes reading. Add one of these things every week or two, not all at once. Make one a habit, then build on it.
Some days, you'll be busy, or tired, or you'll want to binge watch Netflix instead while eating Doritos. And that's fine! Being a robot is a bad thing - you'll find that on those days maybe you missed your jog, you ate out dinner instead of cooking, and you played video games instead of reading...but you still made your bed, still did yoga, and still took care of your oral hygiene. Good job!
What I'd recommend that I'm sure you can find throughout the thread to add one thing every two weeks:
Do yoga for 30 minutes right when you wake up. Every. Single. Day.
Make your bed. As fancy as you want - I straighten the sheet and place my pillow properly.
Brush your teeth if you aren't already. At night, then in the morning.
Floss at night
Use mouthwash (enamel-safe, anti-cavity whitening is best) after breakfast and before bed
Go for a 30 minute to one hour bike ride every other day. Or a swim. I recommend these as they're non-impact cardio sports; get into running once you have the diligence and cardiovascular endurance.
Pick up some kind of 30 minute to one hour lifting routine to do 2-3 Times a week (I recommend starting strength or the reddit Recommended Routine).
Find a 10-minute chore to do, every day. You can watch Netflix while you do it. Vacuum the floor, get your clothes in the bin, wash those three dishes, etc.
Imagine where you'll be in six months. You'll have good hygiene, be more flexible, be in great shape, you'll have a clean living space, and god knows what else you've done!
Tl;Dr: Pick one good thing to do every day. Always do it. Pick another good thing to add next week. Repeat for three months, then hold onto them. Don't get discouraged.
13. Laughter Is The Best Medicine[rebelmouse-image 18346431 is_animated_gif=
Find something to laugh and smile at everyday. It makes even a bad day better and improves your mood.
14. Comfort Is A Killer[rebelmouse-image 18360636 is_animated_gif=
My dad recognized in me that I often avoided social gatherings/situations. He sat me down one day and said, "You can't always do what you're comfortable with. When you only do what you're comfortable with, you always end up in the same place. There's no room for progress."
Fast forward 15 years. I have a job that relies heavily on networking and social functions. Don't get me wrong - I still hate going to functions, and I still have to give myself a pep-talk before I go to them, but I go. And every time I do, I think about my Dad and that moment he showed me the way.
this can be applied to daily activities: do one thing per day that is out of your comfort zone. Talk to a stranger (within reason), try a new activity, visit a new area, etc. It broadens your horizons.
15. One Cigarette At A Time[rebelmouse-image 18345773 is_animated_gif=
If you smoke, start smoking less and less every day. Like
Day 1: 35 cigarettes
Day 2: 34 cigarettes
Day 3: 33 cigarettes
And so on. My grandfathers friend did this, and quit smoking a while ago.
16. Get A Hobby[rebelmouse-image 18360637 is_animated_gif=
Can be anything but practice a craft or hobby every single freakin day.
Can be playing an instrument, can be painting and so on. But spend time on it everyday and who knows where it can lead you!
17. Purposeful Positivity[rebelmouse-image 18360638 is_animated_gif=
Think positive thoughts and be grateful for what you have. I started pinning millions of quotes on Pinterest because I am a Pinterest addict, and then I copy those quotes down onto colorful sticky notes and put them all over on the walls in my bedroom. That way, I can wake up each morning with a positive quote or saying. If I have a bad day, I can go into my bedroom and read all of the wonderful quotes I have. One positive quote can change someone's day. This makes me feel good about myself and life in general.
18. Music Makes A Difference[rebelmouse-image 18353365 is_animated_gif=
Playlist your life:
I started doing this after watching 'Baby Driver' by Edgar Wright.
So let's say, with traffic, it takes me 30 min to get to school. I keep a curated Spotify playlist of songs to get me in the mood that adds up to 35-40 minutes.
Some of the effects I feel from doing this that I don't feel like killing myself as I walk into school in the morning, I've become more confident and carefree as I half-dance to my locker, and it creates a more casual environment among my classmates, which is always a plus.
Never underestimate the power of a good song!
19. Meal Planning[rebelmouse-image 18360639 is_animated_gif=
Plan your meals for the week!
I never thought I might ever do this, but me and my partner recently started meal planning and it's working so well!
We made a list of all the meals that are easy to cook and we both like, and every Saturday we pick 5 of them and then shop for all the ingredients. We also take our own lunches to work.
Not only is this muuuuch cheaper, it also saves us from soggy supermarket sandwiches for lunch, lazy frozen pizzas every night, having to figure out what we want every night and having to go to the supermarket daily to get ingredients.
20. Multi-tasking[rebelmouse-image 18360640 is_animated_gif=
As a kid helping my mom cook, I learned that cleaning WHILE you cook is the greatest feat. Every time I serve a meal I already have all the dishes done and am so thankful for this ability to multitask. There's always time when you're waiting for water to boil or oil to heat up, it's the best to finish eating and just have your plates to wash.
People Who've Slept With Their Friends' Significant Others Break Down The Aftermath
It's a wonderful feeling when you think you've met "the one."
Someone who is so perfect in absolutely every way that you can't help but think that they must be too good to be true.
Only to make the unpleasant discovery that they are, indeed, too good to be true.
As they neglected to tell you one important piece of information: they're seeing something else.
A discovery that is naturally met with rage, sadness, and confusion.
As well as the occasional unexpected, unusual development down the line.
"Guys that sleep with other guy's girlfriends, do you feel bad afterwards? Why or why not?"
Lose A Significant Other, Make A Friend!
"Hooked up with a girl at a party once."
"We hit it off and arranged to go on an actual date the next week."
"About an hour later someone told me her BF had just showed up."
"I gave the dude a beer, explained that I had no idea she wasn't single and that I'm sorry."
"He gave me a massive hug and thanked me for being upfront."
"We both told her to f*ck off and spent the rest of the night drinking and singing karaoke together."
"I didn't feel bad; I was lied to, he was betrayed, she was a *unt, nothing more to it really."- 5Volt
Pulled The Plug
"I did it twice not knowing they had bfs."
"Yes, I felt bad afterwards and I totally cut contact when I found out."- born_again_timCartoons Button GIF by NickelodeonGiphy
"When I was in college a married woman tried to hide her marriage… to a deployed Marine."
"As soon as I found out, I bounced."
"I never condone cheating."- ItsbeenBroughton
Two People Were Duped
"I actually have a story about this."
"So I hooked up with a girl who had a long term boyfriend at the time."
"I didn't know and we had few encounters over a two month period."
"One day I was curious and decided to look at her socials and that's when I found out about him."
"I never bothered to look because I was being ignorant and it was first time being in a fwb situation so I was excited and wanted to keep it secret."
"As I scrolled down her socials all I saw were pics of them on expensive dates and trips and I just felt so bad for the guy."
"I felt like I had become the thing I hated the most."
"So that same night I decided to DM him about the situation and send him the texts between me and her to show him proof."
"He then called me and sounded really hurt holding back tears and all I could do was just say sorry over and over."
"But he thanked me and told me he would be leaving her."
"I then blocked her number and thought it was over with but later on that week the girl showed up at my place of work and damaged my car."
"Although I was angry at the moment I chose not to press charges as advised by the police (not USA) because the damage was minimal."
"But yea that's my story."
"On a positive note he found a new girl who looks way better and they equally appreciate each other outwardly on their socials so yes it was a happy ending."- rankyyBeyonce Lemonade GIFGiphy
Even The Idea Is Hard Enough
"I lost a mate this way."
"We were really close friends and he was going through a rough time with his then girlfriend."
"She decided to get back at him by writing some bullsh*t in her journal about her and I hooking up and then conveniently left it out so he would see it."
"It was 100% untrue."
"Friend confronted me on it and I told him it was untrue but he didn’t believe me."
"We stopped talking after that."
"He eventually reached out to me about 6 months later after she admitted to him that she had made it all up."
"The damage was done and we never were the same again."- tizod
This Opens Many Questions...
"I had a brief friends with benefits arrangement with a girl who had a boyfriend."
"I didn't know the guy, and I was young and impetuous at the time."
"After time went on, I started to feel bad about it."
"It all came to a head when she told me she wanted to leave him to be with me and I said no."
"She asked why not."
"I said I couldn't trust her as a girlfriend."
"She asked why."
"I said, you've literally spent the last 2 months cheating on your boyfriend."
"Why else do you think?"- IdontdanceforfunFox Accuse GIF by New GirlGiphy
An Agreement Or Just Her Policy?
"I hooked up with a lady at my gym, she didn't say sh*t about being married, she came to my place the two times we hooked up."
"I saw her again at the gym with a dude, when he went off to go do something I went over and said hi, she said don't talk to her here with her husband around, she will call me later."
"She called me later and told me her husband worked out of town a ton, when in town she was with him, when he's out she's free to do as she pleases."
"We did not meet up again."- SomeRandomUser00
Thankfully, They Grew Up...
"I did it knowingly during High School."
"I was dating and she was too, but we both had issues in our relationships and we didn't know how to figure them out."
"Clinging to our toxic relationships we found solace in each other and enjoyed spending time together."
"We ended up fooling around and after we had sex, we both stopped."
"We stayed friends for a while and both continued dating, but eventually both of us were single."
"I regret it, he doesn't know about it, I told my gf and she accepted my apology, even though we did break up about a year later."
"I'm not proud of myself and I still hate myself for it."- Slippy_666
Nipped In The Bud...
"A buddy’s wife tried to get with me once."
"I told her she had 90 seconds to call her husband (my best friend from High school), put the call on speaker, and explain to the two of us why she was a complete POS…or I’d call him myself."
"They divorced the next month."- Pennameus_The_MightySeason 2 No GIF by MartinGiphy
Some Secrets Aren't Worth Keeping
"If i know she cheated with me on her dude I let the dude know.""
"i hate that kind of people."- DaEpicBob
It's hard to place blame on those who unknowingly got together with partnered individuals.
Those who knew what they were doing, on the other hand, should have expected there to be consequences of some sort or another.
Do you have any similar experiences, let us know in the comments below.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized Their Best Friend Was A Complete A-Hole
Sometimes we're so blind to the faults of others.
Learning the hard truth about a best friend is never easy.
Especially if that particular truth is the fact that they were never a good friend or good person, to begin with.
But we see people how we see them.
And one day, we see beyond what we want.
You sort of feel bamboozled.
But when someone tells you who they are, whether with their words or their actions, believe them.
Redditor RealTourelle11 wanted to hear how friendships fell apart, so they asked:
"What made you realize your best friend was actually a complete a**hole?"
I've realized far too many times too late, that some people need to go.
Not all friends are friends.
EXCUSE ME?!real housewives fight GIF by RealityTVGIFsGiphy
"When she told me she was cheating on her husband, and then I found out she was cheating with MY husband."
$40 worth of snacks...
"I was poor and in college, I had the flu really really bad one week and asked my friend (he lived in a dorm across the hall) to go to the convenience store in the dorm lobby and get me something to drink and he could get whatever for himself too. He got me my soda and himself $40 worth of snacks."
"Didn’t notice at the time and I ordered us a pizza, he knew it was all I was going to have to eat for the next few days, and he snuck into my room and ate the leftovers while I was passed out on cold medicine."
"I didn’t even really know how to respond. Like I was already buying him snacks and feeding him… he had a meal plan on campus (I didn’t)… why act like that?"
"When I trusted and believed he was like a brother only to have him steal thousands of dollars from me. The money didn’t even matter but the treason hurt for years."
"Happened to me too. A girl who was like a sister to me stole $80K from my business (her husband did, with her knowledge) and then turned her back on me while I was going through chemo. To be fair, I did tell her the worst thing would be if I lost a huge amount of money like that and that I’d rather have cancer again so I did give her the method to hurt me the worst. So there’s that."
"Over time we lost contact, then she only reached out when she needed money. I let this go on too long until I found out I was pregnant with my first, and told her then I wouldn't send any money after that. She still asked, my daughter is now over 1.5 yo, and she had never even met her. I ended up blocking her and telling her not to bother trying to reach out anymore."
Conversation Over...Talking Blah Blah Blah GIF by Wiz KhalifaGiphy
"I started to realize that they only ever talk about themselves. They rarely ask me a question, but then cut me off while I’m answering to make it about them."
Why can't people realize they need to shut up?
Probably because they don't care.
And Me?Bye Bye Goodbye GIF by Mickey MouseGiphy
"Realizing I am always there for them but it is never reciprocated or even acknowledged or even feigned interested in any thing I am doing in life."
"Best friend since elementary. In high school When I told her I no longer wanted to be friends because she was mean to others all the time, including me- she said that I had to be friends with her cuz she was my friend In elementary and middle school even tho everyone told her not to be, and that everyone talked behind my back about how gross and weird I was and she stayed my friend anyhow. She worded it like she was doing me a huge favor by being my friend and that I somehow owed her for that charity."
In the end...
"Probably when my gf at the time admitted to sleeping with him and my three other guy friends while we were together. Not in an embarrassed way either, she was throwing it in my face to hurt me."
"I hoped against my own instincts that it wasn't true but I asked him and knew instantly from the look in his eyes that it was. Basically lost my whole friend group overnight, but... ended up finding much better friends in the long run. It all works out."
The Single Life
"All we ever talked about was her - how she hated being single, who she dated, how jealous she was of other people with partners. She skipped my dad's funeral. She ignored my housewarming party. She'd ignore me for weeks at a time, then suddenly call me up crying because she got dumped."
"I drove her to surgeries and sat waiting to drive her home. Watched her kids. Sat through a hundred weepy nights."
"Then she found a relationship. I have seen her 1x in the past 9 months (because I invited her to get together) and haven't heard from her in 3. I guess she must be happy now, doesn't need me to be a shoulder to lean on. She wasn't ever interested in being a friend to me. I was just someone to cheer her up when she was feeling down."
LoserShaking Head Reaction GIF by GIPHY NewsGiphy
"When he got his girlfriend pregnant he got 6 weeks of paternity leave. He lived with me and she had her own place. For months after the child was born he sat home taking advantage of his paid vacation playing 10 hours of video games a day while she struggled with the child."
Some people just need to go from our lives.
Do you have any experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
People Confess Why They Think Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex Is A Good Or Bad Idea
Why is sex such a dramatic aspect of life?
It carries such weight in our lives.
For some, there's a big debate about waiting for marriage.
Other want to know if they're compatible (both emotionally and sexually) before tying the knot.
Whether it's for religious or other reasons, this topic can put a strain on many adult relationships.
First and foremost, we do know we have to do what's best for us.
Redditor EveningAd3633 wanted to hear about all the reasons to abstain or let loose, so they asked:
"Do you think that waiting until you are married for sex is a good idea? Why or why not?"
Redditors from around the globe wanted to share their experiences.
"I know a couple who are waiting until marriage. They both agree on it and are fine with it. But they have ridiculously over the top tickle fights. - _- It makes me so uncomfortable to witness. I'd almost rather see them bang in front of me. It's band camp levels of tension that just won't ever go away."
Do we Fit?
"No. We waited and we were not compatible… eventually, he cheated and we got divorced. Also, being compatible sexually is not a reason to get married either."
"I don’t understand how people don’t get this. It’s the same as any other aspect of marriage—if you aren’t compatible, you shouldn’t get married. It would be like dating someone, and the entire time you’re both blindfolded."
"Then after you’re married you can FINALLY take your blindfold off only to find out your partner looks like someone set their face on fire and put it out with a pick axe. Every aspect of compatibility is important in a marriage."
"Yes, you both change and evolve but if you’re not both 100% committed to weathering these changes and adapting as a couple, then your marriage will probably not be a happy one!"
"Personally, I think it's good to wait a while before having sex with someone to actually know them, but I wouldn't wait to be married... I think you should know the person that you are marrying on all aspect."
"WELL SAID - and just to take on so many of the other opinions on this thread, it is NOT a good idea to wait until after marriage. It’s not 'fine if you want' it’s actively a terrible idea IF you care about having a sex life. Hoping it will work out through sheer luck? Idiotic."
"No. Not saying you should f**k everyone that propositions you but you should make sure you are compatible with someone before marrying them. Too many people find out too late they can't stand someone's actual personality. Things change after sex, people calm down and get real, they stop being on their best behavior. Get to know the real person before you marry an intolerable a**hole."
Stay CalmRelaxing Chill Out GIF by Talk StoopGiphy
"If you want to wait, go for it. But don’t set yourself up for waiting until marriage, and then rush the marriage part just to get to the sex."
"Kid I work with is 24. Just got married. Did the deed. Now has a kid on the way. All within 3-4 months of meeting his wife at church. Great kid. But you can see it in his face already. The guy is STRESSED."
Roulettetv land casino GIF by Lopez on TV LandGiphy
"Paraphrasing Lewis Black: If you wait until marriage to have sex, then you are a gambler on a level I can't even freaking imagine."
"I would say it’s not about waiting until you are married but waiting until it is right for both of you. That’s the key point that a lot of people get wrong. They get to it for reasons other than it being right or feeling right."
"So if your belief is that you should have committed to a marriage, then that is what is going to feel right for you. It could also be that within hours (or even minutes) you can feel that it is right for you. Don’t judge the duration, judge the feeling that you have."
Cause and Effect
"I’ve heard horror stories of marriages being destroyed because it wasn’t until after wedlock that they discovered their sex drives were entirely different. It causes depression, it causes divorce, and in some extreme cases, it pushes people to cheat. I just don’t think it’s worth it to wait when it could potentially make or break a relationship."
He was right...
"My step dad always told me, 'You might like the pair of jeans you have, but there's always a chance you'll find a pair that fits you better.' He was right. There was no shame in having sex before marriage, and he also taught me that as a female, it is perfectly OK to buy and have the condoms. It's also ok to reject a guy if he doesn't want to be safe. Your body is worth more than his sexual pleasure."
More than talk...Heart GIF by BuzzFeedGiphy
"No. Unless you're both asexual, sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, and that's not something you can determine just through conversation."
"Sexual compatibility is important for asexual people too, as in having a similar lack of interest in it."
Thanks to these Redditors for opening up and sharing on such an important topic.
Some really valid points were made about communication, expectation, and compatibility.
Do you have any thoughts to share? Let us know in the comments below.
We've all known someone who tends to say mean things or generally be kind of a jerk.
And whether we want to admit to it or not, it can be fun to see that jerk taken down a few notches with a solid insult.
Ready for roasting, Redditor depressed_jellybear asked:
"What's the best insult you've ever heard?"
Not Your Mom
"When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical 'your mom' response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died."
"Without missing a beat, the teacher said, 'Leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
Adoption Jokes Not Welcome
"I was playing 'Pavlov' (a virtual reality game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like, 'You're bad because you're adopted,' and stuff like that."
"He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like, 'I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you.'"
"Had the whole lobby erupting. I don't know if it's taken from somewhere or what."
Underestimated by the Teacher
"Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:"
"'You make it really difficult to underestimate you.'"
"The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment."
"16-year-old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see 'American Pie':"
"Dad: So what is it about?"
"Me: A group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity."
"Dad: I can stay home and see that."
Based on Real Life
"I once asked my cousin if he watched the tv show 'Desperate Housewives,' and he said, 'No, I’m married to one."
The Joke Will Go On
"I remember when 'Titanic' came out. My grandma, my mom, and I were getting ready to see it."
"My grandpa said, 'Don’t know what the fuss is about. I can tell you what happens, the boat sinks. The end.'"
"Lol (laughing out loud). Maybe it was his delivery, but it cracked me up."
"The best one I've heard was, ''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.'"
Seems Pretty Complicated
"I overheard someone tell someone else, They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes."
An Insult for an Insult
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
"And I have the best response for that: 'Well then, I will pray for your health.'"
New Take on the Clown Car
"I saw a bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line."
"The bouncer quipped, 'I can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.'"
Signs of Aging
"Some bouncers are brilliantly witty, I assume it comes with working in a job where you have to deal with drunk a**holes all the time."
"A few years ago, I got IDed to enter a bar. I'd recently started buzzing my hair due to hair loss, yet my photo driving license had me with a thick full head of hair from several years before."
"The bouncer looked at the card, then me, and then said, 'Haven't you forgotten something?'"
"I was confused. He then showed his colleague, who nodded and said, 'Yeah mate, you've definitely forgotten something.'"
"Then he pointed to his head."
Good Luck Getting a Job
"You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing."
"From 'Golden Girls':"
"Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms."
"Sofia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"
"Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds."
While it can feel terrible to need to be around negative people sometimes, there's hope knowing that there are some things we can say that are funny and that will relatively put them in their place.
Now if only some of us could think of the comeback at the moment when it's useful...